"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Friday, October 30, 2009

Botha's midlife crisis

Once again, Johan Botha was accused of having an illegal bowling action. Once again, some cricket board made him go through the test and once again Botha has been cleared. Has it occurred to anybody that Botha might have found a way to cheat in this tests by now?

Not that he did, because his bowling action is JUST FINE. But I wonder what the world has against Botha. CSA won't let him captain the Proteas even though he is clearly a better captain than the Buffalo, Mickey won't let him play in tests and every god damn rival player calls him a chucker the first chance they get. I think this is what they call a midlife crisis.

But Botha is not alone in this. Soon-to-be daddy Albie also seems to be going through some midlife crisis of his own.

Trying a little too hard Albs! But fear not. Your good friend Johan will guide you through this. Together the two of you will conquer all obstacles of middle age and emerge victorious, all the while knocking the Poms around.

Notice Morne's expression is saying 'Oh no you didn't!'. I should get a certification for fabulous face reading.

Brett Lee-the new Shane Watson

I was wondering why no one had commented on Shane Watson still being fit. Then I realized that it's because Brett Lee has been fulfilling Watto's quota by picking up an injury every few months. So it's not really Watto's injuries that we find funny, any blond crooner with a guitar will do.

On a more serious note, which face did Ricky make when he learned about Brett's injury during a crucial series...yet again! (I stole this idea from Sidthegnomenator as is customary in this blog. I don't even wait for inspiration, just some good old fashioned 'plagiarism'.)

There is Ricky's ''pretend you are thinking while cussing Lee and his ancestors out" face. This comes up every time Lee is hit for a six. Or maybe he is actually humming a song by Six and Out.

Then there is Ricky's "Binga, you are too old for this shit" face. Presumably used every time Lee pretties up his hair.

We also have Ricky's "I don't care because I have Witchy Mitchy" face. After some deliberation I have come to the conclusion it's because Binga flies on his own, while Mitchy flies with Ricky.

R Kelly would be proud

But Ricky still loves Mitch more

Finally, we have Ricky's "whatev" face. He has been hearing this story with Brett since last summer. He has to have perfected a check on his emotions by now!

Okay maybe not.

On the real serious note, is this really the cricket that's causing all these injuries? Lee has been playing/training non-stop since the beginning of the year. Every team is complaining about too much cricket. Then again, AB picked up an injury in the Champions Trophy and he hasn't played since April. Also, Ricky is just fine. And dare I say it...footballers play throughout the year without any significant breaks. They don't pick up injuries left and right!

I don't know what's going on. But just for personal satisfaction, I am going to blame it all on Lalit Modi. There, mystery solved.

Attention Mike Procter

This is exclusively from the English camp through an interview with Skysports (just in case someone thought I am making this up).

: The first Pro20 international is still a fortnight away but we now know the make-up of both squads. Have the South African selectors got it right?

Follicularly challenged Nasser:
I was a bit surprised by Herschelle Gibbs' omission, I have to say. I think the Herschelle Gibbs' of this world come around once a decade. Yes, he will frustrate, he will get out cheaply - but that's the nature of the person and the role that he plays. But in the same way that Mickey Arthur has been saying he's relieved not to see Harmison in England's one-day side, I think Andy Flower can quite happily say England are happy not to have Herschelle Gibbs on the opposition. South Africa will miss his fielding and his energy as well as his batting - as will the fans. As someone who is going out there to cover the tour it's disappointing. Yes he'll miss out in a few games but you know that in one of them he'll set the world alight. South Africa must have some mighty fine cricketers if they are leaving Herschelle Gibbs out!

So apparently the English get it and the Saffers don't. I don't understand why he was dropped. He played in only one ODI since their return from the break that lasted all of eternity. Speaking of which, who the fuck came up with this idea? The Proteas deserved the break, but FOUR FUCKING MONTHS? Sounds like something Graeme Smith thought out. Interestingly, he also met his girlfriend during this break. If that is not proof, I don't know what is.

If Herschelle has been dropped based on his performance in the Champions League, Mike Proctor is a giant ass! SERIOUSLY? You lost patience with him based on a domestic T20 tournament, where he ended up scoring decently in the big match. Does Procter actually have a brain or is it a peanut that's residing in his skull?

I am desperate to watch Herschelle play. I will kill myself if the Poms win the ODI's because no one was able to replace Gibbs at the top. On second thought, before I resort to killing I should seek out Michael Hussey and ask him for the potion that he gave his selectors, which made them keep him in the team. If Mussey can't get dropped even after reaching new levels of shit batting, because he is Mr. Cricket, somebody please explain to me the justification behind dropping Hersch.

I'm so tired of hating. But what to do? Fools like Procter continue to make stupid decisions that aggravate me. That and I am a born hater. According to some.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

To add insult to injury...

If Paranormal Activity didn't scare you this Halloween, go watch the movie that's got everybody sleeping with their lights on.

The first one was so horrifying, the ECB feared the sequel will be just as scary. Hence, he was promptly dropped from the tour of South Africa to allow us to sleep at night.

The movie has the added advantage of being a comedic blockbuster and can be screened at kid's birthday parties. Parents all over the world can now stop worrying about their children's birthday parties being successful, thanks to atrocious batting by Ravi Bopara.


YEAH BITCHES! My stern talks never fail. Neither does my Shakib when he gets going. I was only able to catch the first half an hour of this match as it started at an ungodly hour and while I am usually up during ungodly hours, yesterday was the longest day ever!

Anyway, I caught enough of the match to see that Dolar and Nazmul were getting fucking hammered before Shakib the great stepped in to slow the run-rate down. How nice to see a spinner actually doing his job (*cough*Harbajan*cough*). I also caught enough of the match to realize that our pace attack minus Mashrafe is a joke. Which is sad and worrying and just a plain what the fuck situation. Specially with Pakistan, India and Sri Lanka all having effective genuine pacers in their teams now.

What pleases me specially about the match is that for once Shakib was not the doer of all. He killed with the bat and Razzak, my beauty, killed with the ball. 9.2 overs, 29 runs, 5 wickets, 0 extras. That is top-class bowling. Even if it is at home and against Zimbabwe.

But what to do with Raful? Bastard scored only 3 in a match where every other Bangladeshi batsmen went to double figures! But, the bastard also took 2 wickets. God damn! Somewhere, somehow he gains a lifeline the minute it looks like he is about to be dropped. But seriously, he should STILL be dropped. It's not like someone else wouldn't have taken those two wickets (probably Shakib). Honestly, how many times have you seen this picture?

Way too many times. We are done being patient with him. Go back to the practice nets you moron! While we revel at the subjects of these pictures.

105 off 60 balls...SFA specialty

Joy to the world!

Hidden news

With the hunt for the perfect Kiwi coach saga taking front stage, this bit of news seems to have gone unnoticed.

"McCullum loses vice-captaincy".

It's no big deal. Teams change vice-captains frequently. But this news gives me special pleasure because Brendon McCullum is at the receiving end of it.

The guy just rubs me the wrong way. I can't explain it. Maybe it's all the hype and no recent performance to back it up. Maybe its because he plays for KKR. Maybe it's the lack of patience and levelheadedness that was Fleming's trademark. By which theory I should also dislike Dan but Dan is just...Dan. I can't explain that one either!

Baz seems to think he is a born leader and will continue to work towards securing the national captaincy.
I'm just glad Dan is a selector. Dan makes everything alright. Every time.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

This is the leader of the SFA speaking

I am displeased by the team's performance against the Zimbabweans. I am also unhappy with your performance. I know you are trying to hide from Lalit Modi, but once you are in the Sweet-Faced Assassin group, it is a sin to change into a mellow kitten. Also to lose your sweet face, so never grow facial hair.

You did well the other day little one. Keep it up and hit Chigumbura for some sixes. Then, hum the tune of 'Candle in the wind' in his ear.

Are you secretly Australian...or Nathan Bracken? Why the fuck is it taking you this long to recover from your injury?

Since I am a woman of considerable power I am doing you a favour and getting ICC to change the laws for Bangladesh only. You are now officially the runner for one batsman of your choice. Just run, don't hit the ball, don't even go near the ball. Run straight when it is not risky to do so. IF you are run out after this, keep on running. Because I am going to come for your life. No matter where you are.

For inspiration, because you lot clearly need some, I am posting the video of your win against India in WC07. It's only the Indian wickets and three minutes long, because the game starts soon.

That's all.

Look at what psychology can do!

Inside Ricky's head before, during and after the second ODI:

-MITCHELL JOHNSON INJURED...what it's just a twisted ankle? Shut his face up and put him on the field!
-Andrew McDonald is the other choice
-Briefly contemplating suicide
-TIM PAINE INJURED (Australia now has to go for their 10th best wicketkeeper who is possibly 5...or has just arrived in this world)
-Panic...panic...nowhere to run...chew gum...check on storage of chewed gum after match...must pick out the one that helped win the Ashes in 06/07 and chew again for good luck
-More interviews...India outplayed us...say it but don't believe it...it was all psychological
-7 ODI's is the best shit they ever came up with. Now we have 5 more to bounce back. Long live seven, seven is the new five.
- Why isn't Watson injured yet?
-Must go on Facebook and lap up all the love from my fans.
-Clarkey that bastard! Picked up an injury at the right time.
-Wait...is that the answer?
-Should I injure myself so someone else can take the heat?
-Oh Merv, wait till you read the next headline!

Note to the people of India, please keep a look out for Ricky Ponting trying to bend his legs in ways his legs don't bend.


Martyd from Cricket=Action=Art is one of my favourite artists. He has an eye for the perfect pictures and is even better at putting his personalized touch to them. The picture below caught my eye when I saw it on Cricinfo but when I saw it again on Martyd's site, it literally shocked me in a good way.

"There is a lot of tiredness in the cricket blososphere at the moment. Too many average games in the between seasons period seems to have left us a little jaded.Time to look at it all through someone else's eyes".

Something about this picture makes me feel good. I thought I'd share my good feelings with you all as opposed to the usual whining, swearing and angry words. And I will not complain about the seven looooonnngg ODI's between Aus and India. Okay, maybe I will. But not in this post.

Thanks Martyd for always bringing in such a refreshing perspective.

Interesting nicknames

It has come to my attention that some of the Proteas have very interesting nicknames. There must be a story behind each of these, but I don't know any of them. However, they are all wonderful for the imagination and that is exactly what I am doing with this post. Exercising my imagination.

Note: All names that do not add to the mind have been left out. And the ones whose origins we already know. By we, I mean me.

Albie Morkel: Berg. The analogy is possibly with an iceberg which is funny because Albie is neither cool nor melting slowly to add to the effects of global warming. Although if I stretch my imagination really, really far, Albie has been able to sink cricket giants like Australia with his powerful batting in the past. I would like to remind him that icebergs never stop sinking ships. In other words find your destructive form, FOR THE LOVE OF MORNE!

Ashwell Prince: Ashy P. There is clearly no story behind this name, but it had to make the list because it appeals to one's humour. Ashy P. Pee on the Ashes. His pee is like soot. I get the feeling Andrew Strauss might want to take Ashy P home after the series.

Hashim Amla: Hash. As in hashish? So we can say 'That guy his dope!'. In gangsta language that means he is awesome/amazing/the bomb/bitchin'! You get my drift.

Jacques Kallis: Boogie. My imagination only went as far as Jacques Kallis must be really good at the boogie woogie. Then it was halted by the image of Jacques actually doing the boogie woogie. That put together with the picture below just sent me into bouts of laughter. Sorry Jakes. I love you, I really do. But you and the Boogie...God help us all!

Johan Botha: Stone. I'm sure Botha likes to think of this in a Stone Cold, Steve Austin way but I'm afraid Botha is not macho enough. But then again, he is a spin bowler. Spin bowlers don't need muscles. They need brains and stone-faced demeanor to let the batsmen know that they are superior. I'm sure that is where he gets his nickname from. His emotionless, perfectly chiseled face that give away nothing. As oppose to Biffy's flat, big chinned, panic-stricken one.

Makhaya Ntini: George. How very strange to have a nickname that is an actual name. How very strange to be nicknamed after the stupidest person alive! My imagination fails here. Does Macky look like a George? Last I checked, Ntini was not looking for weapons of mass destruction, he IS the weapon of mass destruction. As soon as I am done this exercise I am going to give Macky a new nickname. Something like the Terminator.

Mark Boucher: Rab. At first glance this seems random. BUT, if you take out the middle potion of his first name, the first letter of his surname and rearrange it a bit, what do you get? RAB! My brain is tired from the sheer work behind this. Some people have too much time in their hands!

Thankfully, I am not one of those people. So this is where the exercise ends. But I think my brain has grown in size, ever so slightly.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Where have all the batsmen gone?

Bangladesh lost their match to Zimbabwe. FUCK!

This is not funny. This is not funny AT ALL! Krish promised me that Zimbabwe will lose to Bangladesh because it is the way of the world. The world just pulled a sly one on Krish and made Bangladesh the losers! Sad face, lots of them. Some with tears.

Back to the subject. Where are they? This seems to be the Batsmen Napping in Unity week. India had to rely on their number eight and number nine on Saturday, Bangladesh's runs were made by Mushfiq (number 5 and incidentally another one of my adopted sons) and Dolar Mahmud (number ten!). Even Zimbabwe's winning knocks came from their number six and seven.

While we are on the topic of Zimbabwe, fuck you Chigumbura for taking 3 wickets and scoring 60 runs. And HAHA Coventry.

But seriously, I am going to launch a massive hunt for these lost batsmen. Specially the Bangladeshi ones, before they star in Woeful Act-II.

Although, I have no clue how to wake up a pile of napping men in pads and helmets. Maybe send in a bunch of angry, swinging fast bowlers after them.

James Anderson wants to be Mashrafe Mortaza

Poor Jimmy. He can't believe that he has been passed over for the vice-captain position. He really felt that he deserved it and is upset at the ECB for shattering his dreams to be captain of England one day. You see, when Jimmy grows up, he wants to be just like Mashrafe Mortaza.

Mashrafe Mortaza is everything Jimmy claims or aspires to be.

1) He is the spearhead of Bangladesh's pace attack.
2) He is quick, aggressive and a match-winner at his peak.
3) He is also a handy nightwatchman.
4) He cost KKR $600,000.
5) He is the captain of Bangladesh.

If another fast bowler can lead his team, asks Jimmy, why can't he? He puts it down as 'regionalism' i.e. something to do with the fact that he is from the Northern part of England. I would like to say this is the funniest shit I've heard in a while, but my mouth is currently wide open in laughter.

The Poms are like the joke that keeps on giving.

Monday, October 26, 2009

I want to know

Yesterday, after the match, Brett did something very strange. He took Praveen Kumar's 40 runs producing bat, just grabbed it out of his hands, and blew on it. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss it, but he blew on it. I wonder why.

Why would he kiss Praveen Kumar's bat?

Why would he BLOW on Praveen Kumar's bat?

What did Nehra whisper in Kumar's ear after Lee returned the bat?

Does Lee practice black magic? In which case both actions would have been explained. He was just rubbing some good old fashion bad luck on the bat to prevent him from almost saving India again.

More than that, I want to know whether Brett Lee speaks to the Indian players in Hindi.

How do you say ' I am going to knock your fucking head off' in Hindi? Or does Brett Lee use his lines from his Bollywood love song to communicate with the Indians?

"Haan main tumhaara hoon, tumhaara hi rahunga".

I've been told the above means "Yes I am yours and I will remain yours forever".

If that is how Binga is sledging the Indian players, what do they say in return? Asha Bhosle said 'Oh really' in the song.

I want to know the answers to all these questions.

Where is Harsha when you need him?

My Dad the Comedian

My father is an Indian supporter. It would have been unfortunate expect for the never-ending hilarious rivalries we have, whenever India play South Africa. He is also wonderfully adept at making fun of the Blues when they are terrible. He has been out of the loop with cricket for a while, thanks to the North American lifestyle and the terrible cricket coverage. Thus, he was delighted to see the first India vs Australia game on TV and sat down to watch like an eager school boy. Till Ravindra Jadeja started bowling.

Dad: He is a spinner? Why isn't the ball spinning then? Has cricket evolved to the point where a spinner doesn't need to make the ball to spin anymore? He can't even spin the ball on an Indian pitch! He is bowling again! Why is he bowling again?

Me: Probably because Dhoni loves him.

Dad: Who is Dhoni?

Me: The Indian Captain.

Dad: Why?

I didn't know why Dhoni was the captain. So I started laughing, trying to explain to him that Dhoni actually had a good record. To which he replied,

Dad: So his record is going to win him this match? How lovely! Another flat ball! This Jadeja guy really is a true 'mystery spinner'!

Then the misfields started and his rants just kept on getting better.

Dad: All the fielders are lying flat on the ground but the ball still makes it to the boundary. I think the Indians don't realize that there is a reason people dive when the ball is racing. No one told them that diving after the ball has already passed is of no use. Know what Kumble used to do? He would make heroic dives with his legs wide apart, so the ball could continue to roll on through the gap. It was quite a show. But he had done his part, he dived!

I just had to find a picture of this.

It's not the ideal picture but his legs are far apart and the ball seems to have evaded him. I laughed so hard. These are times when I have no qualms in admitting that my father is always right!

Bangladesh vs Zimbabwe

WOOHOO! My boys are finally playing. It's just against Zimbabwe, but my lovelies have been out of action for so long! I just hope my pathetic cricket channel broadcasts this series.

A lot of you don't know my team that well. But I am telling you they are worth knowing. Their growth as a team have been pathetically slow, but these boys are still the bomb. I say that because of the following reasons:

1) The oldest person in this squad is a 27 year old left-arm spinner called Abdur Razzak. The most experienced player is Mohammad Ashraful, who is 25 years old. Imagine, being in this squad and representing a country whose number one passion is the sport that you play. Imagine, having to cope with this pressure at this age and delivering. Because they will deliver. As dangerous as Zimbabwe's batting line up is looking at the moment (they rocked the warm up matches), my boys will be on top.

2) Our captain, is actually the vice-captain and filling in for the injured Mashrafe Mortaza (who seriously, needs to recover FAST!). Shakib is 22. There is one other 22 year old captain I know who was a moron at that age and never got any respect. He goes by the name of Graeme Smith. Shakib is humble, modest and still a good leader. Something Biff needs to learn.

3) We came very close to our first ever Test victory in our third year as a test team. We lost to Pakistan by only 1 wicket. Those were the days when Pakistan actually played test cricket and was good at it.

4) In our first ever test match, we made a first innings total of over 400 against India.

5) We have one day wins against the first XI of Australia, South Africa, India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka. Look at that, four out of those five teams make the top half of the current ICC rankings! The win against Australia shut up all those people who wanted our test status revoked (Richie Benaud is an ass!) and the win against India was clinical in their first round exit from WC07. These two are my favourite. There are some lovely videos of all our wins on Youtube. I will be sharing some of them with you soon.

6) I know people who followed the team around during the 2007 World Cup and met them. That year, Bangladesh had one of its worse flood ever. To raise money for the flood victims my acquaintances organized an event, where they came up with the idea of auctioning off genuine Bangladeshi jerseys. When Shakib was contacted, he promptly sent over the jersey he wore at the match against India, which Bangladesh had won and where Shakib was one of the top scorers.

That last one is a true story. And its not meant to raise sympathy votes for a team that clearly could achieve so much more than they do, for whatever reasons. It's just one of my favourite stories regarding my BD boys. I am so happy to be able to see them play again!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Somebody shut Mickey up!

Mickey Aurthur has started talking again. In an interview with Cricinfo, Mickey said that 'England may rue the decision to leave Steve Harmison out of the English squad for the South African tour'.

My first reaction was, WHY DO YOU CARE? He's not coming and that's that. Focus your energy on those who are you moron! If this is some way of unnerving the Poms Mickey, didn't you learn ANYTHING from the Champions League? You, Dale and AB all gave those wonderful interviews about how ready you all were and shit. Crashed out in the first freaking round! Next time, please check with your team form before making all these stupid comments. Bird brain!

As if that wasn't bad enough, Mickey just blatantly puts his team's weakness out there:

"Harmison could have done the same thing as Johnson out here." As in bounce the Saffers till they crack and lose the series 2-1, like they did to Australia in February. What the fuck Mickey! Any other pointers you want to give to the opponent team? They probably know it already, but when the information arrives freely from the coach like this, it must be added bonus.

Couple this with the fact that Mickey wants to coach England and you have a situation worse than match-fixing. Actually, I really don't know whether this is worse than match fixing but Mickey has been teaching Graeme to captain like a robot and follow strict strategies regardless of the situation on the field. Or the idea was formed in the half brains of both Graeme and Mickey. Either way, they are fucking idiots and they both piss me off every time they open their mouths.

Why can't cricketers just play and not talk? More importantly, why can't CSA duct tape Mickey and Graeme's mouths till they fucking win the series? This should be part of their contract. Otherwise, I will sue them for making a verbal contract with their fans and promising them a trophy, then failing.

As you can see, I rocked my Law101 course. With flying colours.


Warning: This post is completely unrelated to cricket. It's just something I had to get off my chest.

Recently, I have been accused of being a 'cheap knock off' of Amy S. from Amy S. Talks Cricket. Please know that this post is in no way an attack on the person. It's just been bothering me because like I have said before, Amy was the reason I started blogging. I have the utmost respect for her and her unique style and she is truly my mentor in the blog world. Copying her style would be the worse move anybody can make, since Amy had a massive fan following.

I must admit,I learned how to blog from her, because I have never blogged in my life. But I distinctively remember how I stumbled upon Amy's blog. I was browsing through funny cricket pictures and Amy's blog had a lot of those. It's how I discovered Amy and I myself was quite shocked at her sense of humour and satirical abilities because they were similar to mine. I wish I could show all of you the things I have written in diaries and school growing up to prove my point, but I can't, so you'll have to take my word for it. I saw myself in Amy's posts and that is why I enjoyed her writing immensely.

After reading the comment, I went to investigate some of Amy's posts and mine. Amy was good at skits and its something that I have tried only recently in my blog. I did it because I personally enjoy them myself and I thought my readers would too. But I must point out here that Amy and I are not the only ones to do satire. I have read a lot of great ones out there, Jrod's being one of the best. Amy used to do it regularly and it was a trademark in her blog. I however have done only four. As for the awkward pictures, Amy's blog was also full of those (Spotto). I know that, since I was a regular reader of Amy's so I have actively tried to stay away from posting such pictures. But since I love them, sometimes I can't help share some gems. Again, I think I have posted only two such pictures. Also, Amy's disdain for AB and Jakes were some of the things that made her famous. I love both these cricketers. Even though I do get annoyed with AB's midas touch at times, I don't blog on it to avoid being called an Amy copycat.

Truth be told, I am not a cricket expert, something you all no doubt have figured out from my stupid articles. I don't know how to write seriously about cricket and my posts are just random thoughts when I am browsing through cricket news or watching games. I acknowledge that to many I don't have an unique style because Amy was here first. But the problem is, this is really how I think. Although I am not a journalist, I have always been a script-writer for plays in school, I dislike cricketers who play for money and corporations that basically ruin everything. And I am obsessed with the Saffas. Have been since I was eleven.

Almost every blogger out there has contributed something to the blog world. I feel I am unable to do so because Amy was a more superior writer than I am and shared a similar sense of humour. So here's where I face my dilemma. Should I change the way I blog? Then I wouldn't enjoy it anymore and I really came to the blog world because it combined my love for cricket and writing. Should I then stop blogging altogether because people will no doubt find me a cheap knock off of Amy S. every time I do a skit or express my love for the Saffers?

At the moment I don't know. I have too much respect for Amy to duplicate her. And I would not have ever blogged had she continued because the similarities would have been even more apparent then. There will be no more posts till I figure this out. If any of you have any suggestions, please feel free to share it with me. I will be grateful for the feedback.


Saturday, October 24, 2009

How the Saffers are responding

Mickey and I have talked it over and we have decided to fight fire with fire. So these are the Saffa strategies. Only part of it though. We can't have the English spies stealing our secrets.

To combat the line dance the Saffers have come up with their own routine, the Russian Taekwondo. When the Poms trap them in their line, the Saffers are going to break out in this dance in true Bruce Lee style and kick the English everywhere. They are then going to calmly proceed towards the crease.

Offended by Broad's attempt to be an all-rounder, Jacques is going to the man who has already betrayed England to find out how to save Stuart from the delusions. Living up to his true character, Freddie gave Jakes the key to the room where the giant tennis ball is kept. Turns out Stuart's brain is in the ball. Smash the ball and all will be well.

To fight the Poms' boy band looks, Albie and Morne's spirit are going to wear even whiter, tighter outfits to scare the living crap out of the staring Brits. Puma has informed us that if they stare too hard at the whites, they might even go blind. But that might not make much of a difference, seeing as they field like blind men to begin with.

While the Poms do the wave to signal their Queen, the Saffers are going to form a line of their own and throw cricket balls at them. The one who hits Luke Wright the most will get to take him home to do whatever they please. This is a special incentive for Graeme Smith to get his brain working for once.

Finally, the Saffers have built giant shoes courtesy of Gunther's giant feet, to kick the Poms in their niggle-trapped bottoms when they bow down. Just like Gunther, these shoes go psycho when unleashed. They will stick to the Poms till they find out why there is an epidemic in the English camp that involve men, their buttocks and tightness.

Friday, October 23, 2009

A little pick me up

For both me and Dave.

The look so happy. Wonder if it's the win or the position that's bringing out that lovely colour in them.

A day of bad news

1) T&T lost and yet another Australian team took the trophy home. I get this feeling everybody is feeling really bad for Australia for losing the Ashes hence they are being nice. This is my way of denying the fact that the Aussies seem to have more or less recovered from their bad patch and may start their domination all over again. They are not nearly as fun to watch when they are not sucking. Although, I do want India to lose in the upcoming series so they will have to play well for the next seven games. Dammit!

2) No Moises vs KP. So not only did Kato ruin the final by winning, he did not give people a chance to watch Moises getting assaulted as well. Someone should teach Kato the responsibilities he has towards the people who come to watch the match. No one came to watch your team win Kato. They wanted some violence and you didn't allow it to happen. You will pay for this.

3) HERSCHELLE GIBBS AND MAKHAYA NTINI HAVE BEEN DROPPED FROM THE SOUTH AFRICAN ODI AND T20 SQUAD! This is the most terrible news of all! These are indications that the Saffers might be preparing for a WC11 without these two. They cannot force my Hersch into retirement! Those BASTARDS! If the Poms win this because the Saffers used inexperienced players I am going to feed Mike Procter to the starving lions in my basement. I probably should have done that when he decided to drop Morne. Then this would not have happened! I must admit Makhaya's exclusion was expected though. It's tough being a fast bowler in your 30's. But if Binga can do it Maky, so can you. So change your hairstyle and start giving 'I'm 100% ready' interviews!

I am upset with this day. If there is a tornado outside your window, it's my out of control rage.

I'm supporting NSW

Every team I supported in this Champions League had a good run and then crashed out! Barring Bangalore. But nobody expected them to get as far as they did in the first place, so they actually had a good tournament (HAHA!).

Now T&T seems to be doing the same. Losing to BRETT LEE. Not even NSW. One god damn tweety bird imitating, no ball producing machine. Spare me the best fast bowler in the world talk. I don't want to hear it.

So now, I'm switching gears in the hopes that my bad luck rub on NSW.

Go Kato! Bring that wonder boy Moises on so KP can claim him as his very own bitch!
Go Clark! Bowl your heart out because you won't get picked for the matches against India!
Go Philly and Dave! You can share wonderful domestic stories about your domestic games on the plane back home. I'm sure the passengers will be all ears!
Go Bollinger! Prove to the world that the ONLY reason you don't get picked for Australia is because your unfortunate genes prevent you from looking good on TV!

Yes, this is me being supportive. But my plan doesn't seem to be working!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Bald and the Beautiful

It was pretty much the story of Hersch, JP and Bravo wasn't it? Bravo being the beautiful for his awesome batting. No points for guessing who the bald are.

Ravi Rampaul made a guest appearance towards the end of the Cobras innings. Damn, that was some fine example of death bowling! But it still won't get him in the IPL. His name is too Indian-sounding. And clearly the IPL has nothing to do with Indian players. Sorry Ravi.

I am actually indifferent to the result. It's not like this is the Proteas. I only went for the Cobras because of Hersch and he thankfully decided to finally rise from ground zero. He did his part with the batting and the fielding. If he could bowl, he would have done that splendidly too. It's not his fault that the rest of the Cobras were shockingly bad. Speaking of shocking, here's a funny picture where Davids actually looks surprised after dropping the second catch.

Focusing all his energy on the drop...

It's funny because he took some amazing catches against Bangalore in the first match. Meaning as I laugh, I am crying in the inside.

Right, so T&T are through to the finals. You know what that means right? Kieron is sharpening his bat on a strop while Moises is praying for Anubis to come take him away. But that ain't happening. Anubis will be too busy chilling with me and cheering KP on as he busts your balls again and again and again.

Cricket balls that is.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

How they are preparing

The Poms arrive in Saffaland in a few days. I have been waiting for this tournament a long time. I am so excited that I secretly stalked the Poms to see how they were preparing. I am going to have to report to Mickey soon, but I just had to share this with you guys.

Still perplexed by how cricket is actually played, the Pommies give up and pursue a new form of line dancing. It involves grabbing each others hands tightly in a show of manly love and swaying from side to side. It's quite clever you see because when the Saffa batsmen run in between the wickets, instead of running for the ball they will do this dance and trap the batsmen between their arms. Meanwhile the ball will attempt to walk back to the pitch and throw itself at the stumps.

To try and prove that he is not a little boy anymore, Stuart Broad has bought a bigger ball to play with. He will keep this ball on display at all times preferably around the groin region so that it can block the yorkers and the googlies. This way, none of the Saffas can bowl him out and he can call himself a batsman.

Every time the Saffas are piling on runs, the Poms will pose next to a table and stare at the batsmen. They have heard about the wonders of intimidation in cricket and want to try it out with their awkwardly positioned captain, skimpy tank tops and the Ghosts of Crappy Past.

And just in case that doesn't work, they will wear their suits, bring a plane in the middle of the pitch, pull out two little Red Riding Hoods from their pockets and wave like the Queen. When the wave is done in unison, it reflects on the sky like well...a wave, and signals to Her Highness that the people of Pomland are in trouble. She must put on her test whites and come play for England. Unfortunately for them, the Queen is busy taking pictures with the REAL English Cricket Team.

So finally, when all else has failed, the Poms will resort to their last strategy, which is bowing down to the Saffers and hoping they show some mercy.

Mickey and I will be deciding just how much mercy the Saffers should pretend to show to the Pommies before plummeting them to the centre of the Earth. Will keep you posted.

Bad boy Parnie

You gotta hand it to Crapinfo. They really know how to make headline out of nothing. I went to check the Saffa news and was shocked to learn that Wayne Parnell had been left out by the Warriors for 'disciplinary reasons'. Apparently, they dealt with the issue personally and refused to say anything further on it.

See when information is withheld like this, it allows wicked minds to wander far and wide and come up with dangerous answers. Maybe he got into a fist fight with Makhaya for telling him that his international career is over. Maybe he laughed at Botha's pathetic attempt to overthrow Smith and take over.Maybe, just maybe, he told Shamone that Jacques and Mark were actually closet lovers.

All untrue things concocted by wicked minds in the hopes of starting vicious rumours. And before you point your fingers at me, I said wicked not cricket. So clearly, this is not my mind.

So before these minds were at work, I frantically went to my best friend Google to clear up the mess. This is what it told me:

"The 20-year-old kid stayed out late at a PE nightclub apparently, one of the eve of a first-class match against the Highveld Lions starting on Thursday in East London."

Wayne Parnell was disciplined because like any other 20 year old, he was out on Saturday night partying. He was punished by being dropped from one silly first-class match.

This was the epic event that Crapinfo thought was news worthy.

What's in a name?

Plenty, for Moises Henriques. It's the reason he didn't get the man of the match award at today's match, despite making a swift comeback from the clutches of Pollard. His economic rate was the second lowest amongst the NSW bowlers and he took the highest number of wickets...3/11 off 3 overs. Yet Dave Warner snatched the award away from him with his whopping 48 from 25 balls...which was the highest score in this miserable match.

Now you are going to say, it was a difficult pitch to bat on you stupid imbecile, which is exactly why Warner got it! And I am going to say, why don't you say that to the bowlers from Victoria? They gave 169 runs in 20 overs, none of which came from extras and got only 7 wickets between them. Looks like the NSW batsmen don't know a hard batting pitch when they see one.

Since I am in a mood to win, I am also going to point out that two of Moises's wickets were Dussey and White. Dussey is regarded one of Australia's best T20 batsman. Which is not much of an achievement since the Aussies are shit at T20, but we will give it to him. Having a brother whose dead cricket career is still being put on display regularly, cannot be easy. And White, well White is the brand new Michael Clarke of Oz T20. Moises got both of them, yet Moises failed to land an award.

The woes of being a bowler? Nope. The woes of having a name like Moises which no one can utter without rupturing their lungs. Or whichever part of our anatomy bursts first with laughter.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The other De Villiers

Once upon a time, not so long ago, a lovey blond name AB de Villiers met a singing sensation called Ampie Du Preez. It was love at first sight. They did not go a day without each other, frolicking along the streets of Pretoria as often as they could. As their bond strengthened AB and Ampie decided to take their relationship to the next level. Now to many, the next level would have been moving in together but AB was obsessed with passing on his freakishly perfect genes. Before long, AB demanded that Ampie have his baby. Ampie was trapped but loved AB too much to do anything about it. So they went about the usual business of baby-making and after one happy day when the stick turned blue, AB and Ampie started their countdown. Very soon, a baby boy arrived.

Cornelius Johannes Du Preez de Villiers.

He took AB's surname because AB is the more famous one of course. But note, the Du Preez is also there. It is irrelevant that he is known by his initials CJ, just like his daddy. After all, love is blind and that is exactly how Ampie saw it.

It is also irrelevant that Cornelius grew up to be a cricketer. His parents introduced him to both music and cricket. But what Ampie did not know was that AB secretly played their 'hit' single to CJ every night till he concluded that if his singing voice was anything like his daddy's, he would be publicly tortured in a square one day. So CJ chose cricket and AB rejoiced, waiting for his baby to become the next start batsman for his country.

Therefore, it came as a huge shock to him when CJ established himself as a bowler by producing two beautiful deliveries that saw the Diamond Eagles through to the second stage of the Champions League. They were dead on, straight and fast. AB was livid with rage! His anger heightened when he saw CJ's Cricinfo profile brand him as "a quick bowler who can also bat a bit". AB was now foaming from the mouth and nearly having an epileptic fit when all of a sudden it all clicked. The timing, the tall lanky looks, the fast bowling, the person that was left out from the squad...

Turns out when AB was busy training for the Proteas, Morne was the one around to console the lonely Ampie Du Preez. And Morne's genes are superior to AB's.

Some say the tricks of fast bowling are passed through the blood line

Happy Birthday Allan!

October is fast becoming my favourite month. First Morne, then Jakes and now the great White Lightning! Allan Donald was one of my first Proteas I fell in love with(the others being Jonty and Hansie). I remember turning on the t.v. and watching a skinny man with crazy eyes bowl the perfect bouncer to Atherton. I was sold!

He epitomized fast bowling. The looks, the body language, the running in and the deadly yorkers. He was the perfect leader of fast bowlers. Truly after the Allan, Wasim, Waqar, Courtney and Curtly era there hasn't emerged a single genuine fast bowler that can convincingly lead his pack.

Look at me, I sound like a 70 year old war veteran speaking of the good old days. But what can I do? Dale Steyn can't get over the fact that he was labeled the next White Lightning (premature, disgustingly premature!) and Wayne Parnell is too young! Honestly Allan, you need to sit these boys down and give them counseling. That should be your job...not coaching Englishmen who will amount to nothing!

But today, you can celebrate. Celebrate like the good old manic days.

Happy Birthday!

The Bingles announce a wedding date

Settle down. The subject was just to make his female fans cry. They haven't announced anything, but they will soon because apparently Clarke is interested to play in the IPL next season.

His official statement says it's because he is the new Aussie T20 captain and wants to get experience for his country and the timing is just right, with the 'huge' T20 World Cup coming up. Sure, we'll buy that. Till you announce your sickeningly expensive wedding to the Vampire Queen.

Sources say this is why Michael needed to be injured...

I've just had a random thought. Are there any cricket couples that we like? I don't mind Tricia and Shaun Pollock but that's only because they were never all over the place. And Shaun is retired now, so we don't get to see either of them often. But I really can't think of anybody else. How can that be? There must be some that don't make us wish murder was legal! Someone? Anyone?

Monday, October 19, 2009

What happened today?

One minute the Daredevils were reduced to 114 with some brilliant bowling and next the Cobras were crashing! Dilshan opened the bowling and picked up two wickets! Dilshan bowls? Since when!

Of course before we answer that question we must solve the mystery of why Dharmasena is an umpire! And no, this is not some biased rant because it was Herschelle who got the decision. IT WAS A WRONG DECISION! You really thought Hersch went first ball to Dilshan? If your answer is yes, you are doing drugs.

So, this Nannes character. He is the shits! I have always liked him. BUT, he disappointed me today. What was the point of putting in a brilliant performance AFTER your team has already crashed out? Where the hell was this before? He ruined the Cobras' record in this tournament for no reason. Spoil sport!

Now the Cobras are playing T&T. My team against the team I have grown to love. Both will face their first tough challenge I reckon. Whoever wins, will possibly also win the finals since the other contender will be either Victoria or NSW. Neither of whom are a threat to these two.

I'll probably go with the Cobras but damn I am getting chills just thinking about the match!

-JP vs KP
-Puttick vs Ganga
-Bravo vs Zondeki

Nice. This should be one hell of a game. Lots of DLF Maximums, thrashing and bashing.

Did I just wish for that? Sneaky Modi is getting to me. I will be back. Must bathe in holy water.

My Favourite Moment

An Indian 12th man and a rejected Pom once met on a cricket pitch. It went like this:

Indian Man (IM): You can do this Dinesh. It's as simple as carrying drinks. Just pretend you need to serve drinks to the wicket-keeper and the umpire alternatively. It's simple.

Pom (P): I haven't had my tea yet. I can't afford tea anymore because I was dropped from the squad, despite scoring brilliantly. I am a brilliant batsman and I get sidelined for a Hobbit and a Mascara boy.

IM: Wicket-keeper looks thirsty. I need to give him some water. I am the Chosen one, the official drinks carrier. I cannot let him die on my watch. If he doesn't get water now he will collapse. I must save him. Owhy just hit the ball, wait..is he coming this way? But my drinks tray is not ready yet! No you shit Pom, stay there!

P: See, I hit balls then I run. I am very good at running. I can run all day. Mascara boy can't even see because of all the makeup in his eyes. Must recommend Revlon to him. Wait, why isn't that bastard running? Did he somehow here my thoughts on Revlon?

Captain Cobra scoops up the ball and throws it to the wicket-keeper. Wicket-keeper takes the longest time to catch it, looks at the batsmen and then removes the bails.

IM: Good, I needed to go back to the pavilion to refill my bottles anyway. Tata darlings!

P: He did hear my thoughts! Now he is going to tell the ECB, who are never going to take me in the team again because everybody knows that they prefer Rimmel. Must kill drinks carrier. What is this? Is this game not over yet? But I haven't had my tea!

Unfortunately for Owhy, Modi is too busy canoodling his groupies to declare the end of the game. It is indeed a sad, sad day when three blonds and one brunette come in the way of one man's tea sipping.

Cape Cobras Profile: Herschelle Gibbs

I haven't seen my Hersch in a while, which is a tragedy. I don't even know if I will get to see him tomorrow because it's another useless game. Hersch doesn't take part in useless games. So unless he is in a mood to entertain people, he might not play. What's that you say about being dropped for bad form? No, no. This is Herschelle Gibbs. The selectors don't pick him for matches, he decides when to play. And that's that.

So to make up for this Herschelle deficiency in my life, and yours, I went and dug up his profile at the Cape Cobras website. It's a good mix of professional and personal questions. You can go read the stats stuff yourself, which you should, but I'll only highlight the personal parts here...because I feel like it.

Name: Herschelle Herman Gibbs

Nickname: Scooter, the Sack man
-When Hersch first started playing he was too young to drive (16 year old prodigy thank you very much) so his team mates joked that they would buy him a scooter. Hence the name. I have no idea where the Sack man came from. Maybe for his dangerous catch taking abilities. Right. That has to be it.

Marital status:
-It's actually blank. Poor guy can't come to term with the fact that his best friend married him and then turned out to be a gold-digger. The things my Hersch has to live with!

Most memorable day in cricket and why: 1999 World Cup semifinal, it had everything a ODI should have, except the right result!
-Ugh! Close eyes, happy thoughts, open eyes, deep breath...move on.

Best innings:
-Also blank. Because Hersch can do better than 175 bitches! I wait patiently for that day.

Best advice you have received: Believe in your talent
- But what happens when your talent can be used in every god damn sport in the Universe?

How would you change the game: Wouldn’t
-And I love him even more.

Cricketing ambitions: To fulfill my talent
-Which will at least take him to the next World Cup or even beyond. That's right. He ain't retiring. So STFU!

Most disappointing moment in the game: Don't have any
-This might be a teeny tiny lie. On second thought, compared to his personal life, this sounds about right.

Most embarrassing moment in cricket: Dropping two catches in New Zealand
-I never saw it, so it did not happen. Hersch cracks such great jokes!

Funniest moment in cricket: A bowler's false teeth fell out when he was appealing for an LBW!
-I will kill to know the identity of this bowler. Off the top of my head I can only think of Shane Warne. His teeth are quite suspiciously white.

What other sports do you follow: Golf and Rugby
-He also plays both...fabulously! Although I must condemn him for following Golf. I don't understand this Golf obsession that Cricketers have. It's not fun to play...trust me, I tried!

What car do you drive: BMW
-I must tell him that all the cool people drive Infinitis now.

Favourite food: My mother's food
-I can hear girls going ''Awwww''

Favourite drink: Jack Daniels and coke
-Don't even waste your energy on alcoholic jokes. This is obviously an old profile. But I must admit the man's got class or had class, before he started chugging a bottle per minute.

Favourite movie: Gladiator
-Again, good taste!

Favourite actor/actress: Richard Pryor
-I don't know who he is. But at least it's not Rob Pattinson.

Best book read: I haven't read a book
-Shock, horror, disbelief! WHAT? Okay, breathe Purna. Obviously he has been too busy building his career, so he didn't get a chance to read...a single...book....WHAT THE FUCK! Breathe. All will change the day you enter his life. Which will be soon. Problem solved.

What do you see yourself doing after your career ends: Who knows!
- Unpredictable and adventurous. So Herschelle-like!

This dosage of Herschelle will last me till the semis. He better play then, otherwise I'll make him read a book on the necessity of having alcohol in one's life! No I won't. But he better play. That's all I am saying.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


I have been keeping an eye on the Zimbabwe vs Kenya matches, because Zim next goes to Bangladesh. I am seriously worried because of a certain person, who is strangely named after a place in my country of residence. Now Hamilton, is considered one of the most life-less cities of Canada. But there is nothing life-less about Hamilton Masakadza. His scores for the five ODIs against Kenya were 156,66,44,23 and 178*.

Is it just Kenya, or is this guy really Zimbabwe's messiah? If he is and has arrived at the right time to take revenge on my BD boys for the previous series loss...then we are FUCKED!

Last I checked, both Shakib and Mortaza were recovering from injury. Although they might play, they are possibly not going to be fully fit. Which means a lot will be riding on Ashraful and we all know how wonderful Raful can be under pressure. In other words, we are FUCKED!

I am going to put my satanic cap on and do something about this. Pronto.

Sweet-faced Assassins

I think I have finally found my entourage of secretly evil men to help me in my quest for world domination. You can call them SA or SFA. Either way, they sound like a Saffa group which reflects my undying love for the Proteas. The name also sneakily serves the purpose of throwing off Interpol, Europol and any other pols that are going to come looking for us. They are going to scour the inches of Africa while I am happily hiding in some remote corner of Bangladesh with my harem of wicked men.

Introducing the first of many SFA men:

Name: Jean-Paul Duminy
Location: In BRC's nightmares
Code Name: Blankie
Sweet-face specialty: That nearly million dollar smile
Favourite Method of Assassination: Complete annihilation

Name: Kieron Pollard
Location: Moises' bowling nets
Code Name: The Real KP
Sweet-face specialty: Innocent looks that don't need to be hidden behind shades
Favourite Method of Assassination: Hitting little boys out of this world

Name: Roelof Van der Merwe
Location: Somewhere in the galaxy, far, far away
Code Name: ET
Sweet-face specialty: The alien living inside him
Favourite Method of Assassination: Anything that gives him the chance to raise his hands like a maniac and yell 'C'mon baby!'. This is followed by precisely two claps. He is very meticulous, our ROFL.

Name: Shakib-Al Hasan
Location: A secret garden where Modi can't find him
Code Name: Blackberry Storm
Sweet-face specialty: His broken English. If you read between the lines this is what is speeches really mean:
"Yes, we had good game today"
(I killed out there today and now I am going to kill you)
"Boys were very supportive"
(Boys are also going to kill you)
Favourite Method of Assassination: Plunging knives through them number ones to claim their spot.

We will move from country to country, getting rid of those that give cricket a bad name. We will not rest till the KPees, the Buffaloes, the Mingles, the Whayles, the Bhajjis and the genital warts carriers have been wiped off the face of the Earth. We will fight till cricket is on every person's lips, being repeated like a war-cry, till it's the only word to be heard from space.

"Cricket, cricket, cricket, cricket, cricket"

To hell with anyone who stands in our way.

Not Cricket

Well not completely. Page 2 from Cricinfo may just be one of the best pages of the site. Mainly because it's not filled with stories on the pseudo home of cricket. One of the features of Page 2 is something called a Doppelgangers-Separated at birth. It involves people sending in pictures of non-cricketing celebrities that look like cricketers. Here are the two latest ones.

Nathan Hauritz and Haley Joel Osment, two lads who gave the lie to their boy-next-door demeanour - one with a DUI charge, the other with six wickets in his first Ashes Test. One saw dead people; the other, er, dead pitches.

The resemblance is quite freaky. They even have the same eyebrows. Although, taking six wickets is nearly not as bad ass as a DUI charge. Hauritz could do better if you ask me. Like beating the living crap out of Merv for not picking him for the last Ashes test. Australian wounds reopen...

One spent much of the last two years sidelined by injuries, the other ditto by various scandals. Sorry, Mohammad Asif, you've not done a near-enough good job of convincing us you're not, in fact, Gianluigi Buffon.

I nearly bit somebody's head off at this one before reading the caption. Yes, let's compare a drug abuser to a living legend. Buffon is all man. Asif, needs drugs to even be considered a boy. Buffon is the best goalkeeper of all times, second only to Oliver Kahn. Asif, debuted for his country in 2005 and has been focusing solely on getting into trouble since then. Other than the dark, shiny hair, there's no connection. None.

Page 2 also has a Hot or Not section. Just in case you didn't know it already here's what is hot right now and what is not.

Hot: Herschelle Gibbs

Hersch chose to play for his regional side, and not his IPL one, in the Champions League. Voila, the Cobras made it into the next round, while Deccan were dumped out.

Not: Brendon McCullum
The first of the freelancers, Mac picked wrong when he chose to show up for Otago. New South Wales, for whom he had played earlier, are looking good for the title.

Not entirely true, Hersch was refused by the Chargers. But they paid for it so justice has been served. And I am always happy when Baz is put down. There's just too much hype about him. Seriously people, IPL 1 was a long time ago. Hersch on the other hand was, is and will always be hot. Only because he is a brilliant cricketer of course!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Operation Hunt Swann

This picture came courtesy of Ceci and Mel over at Swanning About. They love Swann and I think they are awesome, hence I am going to triple my efforts at this operation because their awesomeness should not be wasted on this tambourine-playing, Viagra addict. Btw, if you haven't been to their site yet, you cannot hang out with the cool kids. So get over there now.

The origins of this picture will be known to those of you who follow James Anderson on Twitter (shudder!). For those who don't, Jimmy said Swann had a big chin and posted a picture of him, which by the way was from the cover page of Wisden Cricketer this month. Just when I had put them in my good books. Needless to say, they have been scratched.

So Ceci, Mel and Photoshop came together to present Exhibit A, before Swann sues Jimmy for defamation of looks.

Behold: Pelican Swann (all inbred jokes are welcome)

It's very becoming of him, specially since his nickname is also Chin. So I don't understand what he is shaking his head at. How is he able to do it with his chin weighing him down anyway? One of his 21,000 twitter followers must be shaking it for him. Anyway, bottom line is Swann has a big chin and men with big chins were meant to rot in the flames of mediocrity. Just ask Graeme Smith.

If you read a little past the bottom line, what I am really trying to say is you should not be loving a man whose lower half of the face alone is eligible to become a new continent.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Good day

Really good day actually. Both my teams won. Yes, I do know that Hersch didn't play. But that's only because he can't be bothered wasting his time and energy against silly teams like Victoria. They give games to red-headed monstrosities like McDonald. Hersch cannot be exposed to such harmful radiation. So he's resting, for the bigger games.

The highlights inform me that Victoria was 0 for 2 by the third ball. I really enjoyed Zondeki's second wicket. Specially when the commentators made some joke about Hodge being non-Australian for walking. Insult to injury. Just the way I like it.

In case you are wondering what the suspicious looking bag in the stadium was, it was Sybrand's ride. I have decided that he is the world's first intelligent zombie. Hence his face is devoid of blood and he lives in a bag. He was going to enter in his Hindenburg reincarnation but he needed the extra nap time to sniff them Bushrangers out in the field and maul them. So he came in his house.

I see you...

I'm just sad I didn't get to see him bowl. The highlights I have showed only one of his balls, which went for four. It was hit by Andrew McDonald. It's okay. Everybody knows the Germans need to be down and out before rising like unstoppable blood-thirsty hyenas. Interestingly, zombies follow a similar pattern. Does this mean all Germans are zombies?

The end result of this Herschelle-less game was that the Cobras won. As if anybody expected otherwise. Yawn.

The Challengers also won, this time without much international help. Well not completely because out of the 4 wicket-takers, 2 were Saffas and the star batsman was Rossy. Much to the dismay of Indian fans, the highest Indian batter was Rahul Dravid. The BCCI should drop him more often, it really does wonders for his batting. Anil Kumble also contributed with wickets. But sadly the angel that looks after retired seniors that won't let go, can only focus on one player at a time. So today, it was Anil over McGrath. I think all the praises from the last match was too much for his pigeon brain.

The state of affairs as it stands now is that NSW has to beat Somerset and T&T has to beat Eagles for Trinidad and NSW to go through to the semis. Now that Delhi is out the Challengers might just qualify if the Cobras are beaten in their last league match. Victoria is sitting at the top of League B despite losing one of their two games and have already qualified.

Umm, what? Someone explain.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Happy Birthday Jakes!

I've been waiting on this one for a long time. I dedicate this post to all Jacques haters. I know there are many of you.

I can sympathize. The man sits in the pavilion like a zombie the whole time. Then, the minute he enters the field with a bat, he makes everyone else around him look like brainless individuals. Sure, he is not exciting to watch but he is that guy. That guy that makes you want to shoot yourself even after you have taken wickets in quick succession. Because after all the celebrations, all the joys and all the mental images of the prize, you realize that Jacques Henry Kallis is still at the crease. And he is just getting started.

But wait, now that he has reinvented himself as a T20 player and is fabulous at it, you can't even call him boring anymore! Before I rub that in your face, did you really expect a player of Kallis' calibre to not step up to the challenge? I mean honestly, the best T20 batsmen are the ones that have dominated real cricket for eons. Jacques Kallis is one of them.

On top of that, the guy can bowl! He can take wickets and fuck with the minds of batsmen like any other bowler. That must really make you Jacques haters wish you had a thousand nails in your body instead.

It doesn't end there. He is one of those men who seem to land women that are out of his league, only in terms of looks of course. He is bald, has a tendency to inflate in size and has a creepy smile. Yet, somehow, his ex-girlfriend, no FIANCE, is a former Miss South Africa. Oh my, now the blood must really be boiling.

What's that? TWO trophies?

Haha. I'm done annoying you guys. Now I am going to make an earnest plea. Kallis is possibly one of the world's best cricketer and stands out in every format of the game. Only greats are able to achieve what he has. And he is only 34. Chances are he will be retiring soon and we will be sorry to find that all we are left with are phonies whose only skills are thrashing and smashing once in a while.

Send him a little love people. It's his birthday!

Daym son!

It's the only appropriate response to Kieron Pollard, who by the way has an awesome name. Almost as awesome as Kemar. Almost.

Three games, three wins-that's Trinidad's record in this tournament. Everyone thought their winning streak would end in this game, which it nearly did. Speaking of which, did anyone know Phil Hughes could also be effective at T20? I swear he is some sort of a cyborg conceptualized by Merv and co. to save Australian cricket from the clutches of Mr. Bingle and his missus. Of course, he was manufactured at the Banana Republic...hence the inclusion of the American in the team.

Back to Pollard. Kieron is a young man with big dreams. When he is not dreaming about whooping Chris Gayle's ass, he likes to assault boys with nasty names like Moises Henriques. When Moises was born, his parents could not decide which religious character their son would take after- Moses or Isis. So they took a chance and named him Moises. Thereafter, they crowned him the King of Catastrophe. It is little wonder then that he was bought by the Kolkata Knight Riders and a magnificent batting beast from a 'cricket-doomed' country treated his bowling with disdain. In a match where Stuart Clark was trying to prove that Cricket Australia had named the wrong T20 captain, Henriques coiled like a pussy, allowing Trinidad to win from a losing situation. Oh, and his middle name is Constantino...as in a constant sucker. His parents never gave him a chance.

This is the second time the Aussies has been smacked around by a single West Indian in T20. I had mixed feelings about the first game but this time around I am gifting Pollard a license to assault anyone, anytime.

But remember, even after all this, the Cobras will win.

AB-Paul reunited

I was doing some research on which spinner the Proteas should play against the Brits. Since ROFL's alien friends have yet to give him permission to play tests (in five days they could invade half a galaxy) and Johan Botha hasn't played in them since February 2008, the only other option was Paul Harris.

I wish it was Paul Adams but unfortunately he was the frog that became a prince when the Proteas kissed him into the team. And the prince sucked at bowling.

Annnyyywaaayy, once I had made peace with the new Paul, I merrily frolicked around the internet reading up on Harris and building his case. That's when I came across this.

Amy S. was famous for calling out on the secret relationship between Harris and AB. I always thought that it was one of Amy's ingenious skits. But this photo proves that she was right all along. I must say that the photographer managed to grab his camera at the right time to capture the intimacy of the moment. Not that the camera was the only thing that was grabbed to make the picture perfect.

I hope someone will kindly call Harris' wife and explain to her the virtues of sharing.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Operation Hunt Swann

There will be one of these daily. Or whenever I get a chance to make Swann look stupid.

Another reason you should be ashamed for liking him: He plays the tambourine.

And does it quite seriously too. I don't know about you but where I come from, tambourines are for the musically challenged keeners who stands at the very back corner of the stage clearly invisible, all the while thinking that he/she has made some mind-blowing contribution to the performance.

I bet he uses it to drown out his out-of-tune voice. Just like he uses his Twitter page to hide his insanely shit bowling. That's a level of shit that even Mascarenhas hasn't been able to achieve. And he is possibly the worst bowler in the world.

It doesn't get any better than this

Bangalore just lost to Victoria, the team that has Andrew McDonald. Andrew McDonald who is possibly the most mediocre Australian player to have ever lived. Worse, this Mickey D's poster boy was the STAR in the game.

I apologize if your last meal has already been purged out, but at this point in the post there must be an illustration to show why Bangalore should hang themselves in shame.

He is more than just a clown promoting obesity in children

You see it? He is an even more stupid version of Ronald McDonald and seeing as RM has a big red nose as well, that's really saying something. If you think I am judging his cricketing abilities based on his looks alone, I am. But his stats on Crapinfo backup my claims.

*Insert:smug smile*

Bangalore should just have forfeited the minute Jakes was declared unfit, to save themselves from this embarrassment. I mean, yeah they have three other Saffas in the side who should have bailed them out AGAIN but the thing is:
Dale still thinks this is a paid holiday
ROFL is upset because I have yet to file my adoption application
Bouch secretly plays for the Cobras

Anil Kumble should have talked to me before the game. When will they learn?

Anyway, apparently Bangalore has to win against Delhi to go through to the semis. Whatever.

Can the real cricket start now?

Operation Hunt Swann

Much to my distress, Graeme Swann now has 21,425 followers on Twitter. I have just spoken to AB and he assures me that these are signs that the world is coming to an end.

So before we all perish because of the existence of this being, I am determined to complete a mission. I am going to bombard you with his stupidity till those of you who claim to love him are shamed into admitting your real feelings towards Swannyg66. You can deny all you want, but I will win this.

"have always thought sara cox was shit on the radio, but she's just played maximo park and i've wet my pants"

Every time I visit his twitter page (which is not often, believe me!) there is some post about him wetting his pants. Either the guy snorts Viagra or he was never potty-trained. Regardless, he seems to think that this type of information will enrich the lives of 21,000 mindless human beings. Oh wait, I think it will.

If you think this shit is funny, I suggest you watch him bowl. There are truly more humorous things in life. Take my word for it.


Shakib-Al-Hasan has been named the Wisden Test Player of the year for 2009. My boy topped a performance table compiled by the magazine. TOPPED. The ones he beat:

Gautam Gambhir
Sachin Tendulkar
Andrew Strauss
Andrew Flintoff
Jacques Kallis
Graeme Smith
Dale Steyn

I would very much like to send the Incessant Crack Consumers one of the starving lions in my basement for axing Shakib from the short list of the ICC 2009 awards. BUUT, I will follow my boy’s lead and keep things simple.

I’ll send them a thousand prosthetic middle fingers wrapped in lavender scented packaging instead.

Strauss doesn’t want to come to Bangladesh

Oh, here we go again. Going to Bangladesh is a big waste of time for ECB’s beloved Andrew half-brain Strauss. So what do they do? Pull out the rotational policy! Poor England has such a hectic schedule coming up and poor Strauss has to work so hard for his jokers to receive any amount of respect, that he needs a break from this tour. Because you know, after the Bangladesh tour ends in MARCH, England next plays in the World T20 Cup in MAY. How hectic! I am dying of fatigue just thinking about it.

But listen to this. Strauss KNOWS that it’s important to get used to the wicket in Bangladesh for WC11 but he says that it’s also important to keep the players fresh for their busy summer of cricket…when Bangladesh come to England to play those god damn day-night test matches. I doubt Strauss is going to pull out of that one because, well what flimsy excuse is he going to use then? Plus, if their Ashes hero doesn’t play, who the fuck is going to come watch the games in ‘cricket-loving’ England?

All of Brick Lane that’s who

So we are supposed to accept jeers like ‘’you won against second-stringers’’ because the opposition’s cricket boards cannot be fucked to pull their shit together or send their ‘big names’. Just in case we win, the whole world can say ‘‘Obviously! You had the home advantage and they didn’t have their star players.” Then fucking send them and see how we do assholes! THEN you can make such statements. It’s like everybody is bent on attributing all our wins to anything else other than the fact that we are a good side. Yes, we have brain explosions and it’s high time we learn how to be consistent but so does Pakistan, Sri Lanka and New Zealand. Before all of you start throwing world cup winners and consistent semi-finalist comments at me I’m not comparing them. I’m only saying that these teams have played longer than us and at times they STILL play like somebody just informed them that it’s more than an insect.

You know what Andrew, don’t come. Make Cook the captain instead, or better yet, Ian Bell. Works better for us because we can finally give Talha Jubair a try again, so he can bounce your fuckers out and seal a place in the side. And as for WC11, you are going to be so fucking sorry when you find that the ball has turned like a bitch and bitten you in your uptight behinds! All because you thought you were too fucking good to fly to Bangladesh.

I’m guessing you will blame it on the butt niggle epidemic then, eh?