"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Sunday, February 28, 2010

A little bit of Hockey

This one is not about cricket, but I have to blog on this. Canada just took the Gold in Men's Hockey in the Winter Olympics. They almost lost, 2-1 up and US scored an equalizer with 20 seconds to go. All was quiet in Vancouver. The game went to over time and rising upto everybody's expectations, Sidney Crosby scored the golden goal for us. It was bloody brilliant!

But as proud as I am of Team Canada, one look at the US goalie's face took half my joy away. People will brand me a traitor, but sometimes one man's feat is so great that you can't help feeling bitter sweet when your team wins over his. Or loses. I felt similarly during the last Football World Cup when Italians stole that win over France. I was devastated, but slightly happy for Buffon at the same time.

Ryan Miller is the only player in the US hockey team that deserves some praise. Frankly, Ryan Miller IS the US hockey team. He had to play all by himself in the first quarter, where Canada attempted shots after shots. To give you an inkling of how good he is, let me tell you that just last week, when the two teams met during the group stage (and Canada lost!), Canadians attempted 49 shots...got only 3 in. As opposed to US's 7 tries and 5 goals. Canada was terrible at finishing on that day, but trust me that is not a reflection of the team's abilities. That was the Ryan Miller show. His defense let the Canadians get close to the goal every time, and he deflected their shots...every time.

As the goal medals were carried past the US players in a platter, Ryan Miller shook his head in disbelief. After all the hard work and heroics, he goes home with the Silver. It is unbelievably harsh. And this is something that happens in almost every sport. It happened to one of my favourite South Africans, Lance Klusener, during WC99.

The following is a commercial that I am proud of and is really one that says 'In your face'. But, I still dedicate it to the Ryan Millers of the world. You may be playing our game Ryan, but you play it damn well. And for that we applaud you.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

In retrospect

South Africa's record in the past two series now reads 2 draws and 1 loss. If you really think about it, it should have been three wins.

Really, they should have won 3-1 against England and 1-0 against India. They messed up twice in the second test. Once in the first innings after tea and the second time on the last day, right after Hash and Ashy P had settled down. Parnie and Morne should never have been in that situation. And Kallis should not have played that shot.

They should also have won the first ODI, meaning they would have won this 2-1 as well.

"If only" is a phrase too often used by a Protea fan. It's always if this, if that, if only we had been the first to bat.

Consolation wins mean ziltch after sometime. Because during the dead-rubber matches, the Saffers are so mind-blowingly brilliant that you actually wish your mind was an atomic bomb that could burst on command. Their inconsistency makes Pakistan look rock steady.

Everybody was brilliant today. I was particularly proud of my soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL. Did you see that ball that turned away, peeked at Sreesanth and decided to go straight for his legs? That one was fun! AB was fun to watch too. As was Tsotsobe. I really love that guy, but I don't know if he can replace Parnie. Unless he is injured of course.

But the reality is, this was an inexperienced Indian team. They didn't have their frontline bowling attack...if you can call Durby a frontline bowler. The Saffers knew this and they bullied them to death.

Honestly, I did not expect the Saffers to even achieve this. But then I thought, why shouldn't I? They are a friggin' brilliant team, as the first test demonstrated. They conquered Sachin, Sehwag, Gambhir, Dhoni and Zaheer there. But these bursts and fizzles are getting very,very hard to handle. Next up is the IPL, meaning another long-ass break for the team. Just when they were beginning to get their groove back.

And Dale just said in an interview that he thought this was a good series. If only he was right!

Friday, February 26, 2010


I don't have time to write up separate posts right now. But I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of things, most of which have pissed me off. Naturally. So this one is going to be a cocktail of such extreme measures that you may actually throw up. Just don't sue me afterwards, I warned you.

On India's win: A middle finger creeping up from every corner and getting entangled in Dhoni's hair. Then pulling Dhoni's hair to expose it as a wig.

On Sachin's double century: The cricket fan in me is jubilant but the Saffa fan in me is sulking like there is no tomorrow. Did you have to pelt my Dale to do it? Everybody's singing your praises and I should too, because nobody else deserved it more but next time (because who else will break this record other than Sachin himself?), pick ANOTHER TEAM. Like Australia. Ricky smiles too much these days. I miss his hairy, sulky face.

On AB's century: What the fuck were you celebrating for? Where were all these runs when the team needed you in the second test and the first ODI? Honestly, I don't care what a great innings it was, he looked like he just wanted his century and nothing else. I know the team wasn't able to support him, but FUCK AB, you weren't able to support the team on SO MANY OTHER OCASSIONS! Play for the team fucktard!

On Charl's eye: Brave man. He batted and bowled with his one eye. Very ghoul-like. Brought back so many childhood memories!

Charl, the one eyed King

On Binga's retirement: No more skateboarding tweety in tests. I am actually saddened by this one. I liked Binga because he never gave up. The prime example of a keener. But hey, now he has more time to promote suits and work on a new album! It will be titled "I wasn't picked for Ashes 2009 and we lost".

On Australia's win over the Winides: Yawn.

On Australia's win over the Kiwis: When did Witchy learn to take wickets in T20? This is bad, it's very bad.

On Crashraful's drop: All I can say is, I am finally sleeping peacefully at night. Doesn't that say it all?

On Mashrafe's impending retirement from tests: Hi, National Captain. You have to be a bowler of Bond and Lee's stature to consider this. They loved their test cricket and tried everything in their power to get back to it. They only retired when they realized that AGE was not on their side either. You are TWENTY-FUCKING-SIX. Try harder.

On blogging: Man, I miss this!

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Business minded

Since none of you have kindly pointed it out, I will say it myself.

I ran two campaigns for two players, Gibbs and Morkel. Eventually, both of them made it back to the team. All because of my tedious work.

I also injured Broad, Yuvraj and Ryder during the Champions Trophy. Because I don't like them. I wanted Dilshan to be injured against the Deshis and he duly obliged after the first ODI. Once, I even did some black magic on Dhoni so he wouldn't score past 10 against Sri Lanka. He scored 5. I can't find the link to that, you will just have to take my word for it. Then of course, I made Watto go out in the 90's countless number of times. Just for fun.

I have come to the conclusion that it is not a coincidence. I can make things happen. So I have decided to use it for the good of mankind. I am going to offer you my services in exchange for love.

I will injure and campaign for anybody from any team. You just name them. But please know that if they are against the Saffers and Deshis, or a Saffa/Deshi that you want injured there will be loop holes. You won't know them of course, till I actually tell you.

But go ahead. Ask away. I am at your service.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

My Herschelle's Birthday

My Herschelle turned 36 today. Happy birthday baldy! I didn't bake a cake, because I don't know how to. But I am contemplating getting a caramel mousse to hurl at his detractors. Then wrap them up and ship them over to Gibbs.

Herschelle Gibbs has been very embarrassing as of late. I don't care. His ODI batting average has dropped to a miserable 36.30. He doesn't even play tests. I still don't care. Mostly because it's his birthday today but also because even with all the inconsistencies, controveries and stupidity, my Herschelle remains a threat on the field. Even he doesn't know which days he will burst open like soda can and dampen the opposition's mood with his prolific strokes, let alone the other team. It's just the way he is.

At 36, most have written him off about 243255 times. Many cricketers would also have contemplated retirement. But my Herschelle will continue, we will just have to modify the game for him a bit.

He will field in a wheel chair that will propel upwards/sideways on command so that he can still take his spectacular catches. As for run outs, we will just have to make the wheel chair change shapes so my Herschelle can dive on the ground.
He will bat while bent on his knees since he might get tired from standing. He can do it. His abs are hard core and of course, he will train his knees to dance like his feet.
He will run between the wickets using a walker. A wheel chair may ruin the pitch. We just have to make sure Andrew Strauss is not the opposition captain.

Of course he will continuously smack any retirement suggestions out of the ground, every time. Even at 75. Even at 175.

This is the future of cricket children. I am sure of it.

Monday, February 22, 2010

England in Bangladesh


That's all I have to say really.

First ODI

It's too late to do a post on the test now. Amla was more than great, Morne and Parny did their best, Ashy P played a stupid shot that opened the door for India and the Saffers should have drawn this one and taken the series. That's all you need to know really.

Strangely, the same shit has happened in the first ODI. South Africa has become a one man team; the rest are all in hibernation or handy tail-enders that can only take them close, but not win the match. However, I will look at the positives because everybody needs a change of direction at one point...specially South Africa.

1) Three run outs: I am not suprised. This is what happens when my Herschelle is on the field. How else do you explain the difference between Saffa fielding in the second test and today's ODI?

2) Dale Steyn's batting: Everytime I willed a six, he did it. Meaning, the positive is really my ability to control Dale's mind but we will let him think it was the dog.

3) Parny's batting: We will ignore the fact that he got run out in a painful fashion off the last ball of the game, reopening some very badly stitched wounds from a certain game about eleven years ago. Why? Because Parnell didn't bat at number 10 and he didn't forget to run...he hesitated. Feck!

4) My Herschelle's batting: Okay, it wasn't that great. But the six and the fours were very good previews of what is to come if he plays some more. Plus, he seems to have lost more weight and is looking very much like the Hersch of 2005. Sometimes, appearances mean everything.

5) No Biff: Very pleasant on the eyes.

6) Albie is back: and still petrifyingly ordinary at bowling. It's a positive because maybe someone will finally smack him in the face and tell him to focus on his batting.

7) They didn't choke: I thought about this one long and hard and I have come to the conclusion that they didn't. Parny and Steynkie looked very much like they were going to win this for the Saffers. It really took a very well directed slow ball from Kumar to end Steyn's onslaught. Even after, Charl and Parny looked relaxed. Something about their body language says 'fighter' not 'worried...cough, cough..gag'. The good news is Parny is the new generation and brave. So as long as 'choking' is not a required course in the South African cricket schools, we are good.

8) Charl's short ball: It seems to surprise the batsman everytime. I bet he could bowl six in a row and give the batsman six heart attacks. It's really quite strange. Something tells me the ball wears a 'I'm not a short ball' tag in the front and a 'You are a fool' tag at the back. Quite tricky to spot in a round ball.

And they still managed to lose...

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The day AB was born

That would be today, about twenty six years ago. Lovely.

Won't waste time on his numerous talents because barring one, the rest of it means zilch for this birthday.

AB can't sing the Indian bowlers to life-long coma. They have already heard Brett Lee.
He can't stun them with his catwalk because cricket's modelling Queen is their captain.
He can't take lightning-like catches, the Saffers are batting.
He can't beat them in golf, the Indians party when they want to relax. They do not hit the golf course.
He can't even lure them with his looks, America hasn't legalized gay marriage yet.

The only thing he CAN do is bat his team to a draw. Remember batting AB? It's the thing that you were first known for. It's the thing that you have been neglecting as of late, with all these commitments to your other talents. It's now time to go back to it. Lose the rest. On your birthday, give us the gift of a lovely draw.

Meaning, don't get yourself RUN OUT IN A GOD DAMN TEST FOR FUCK'S SAKES!

Bat AB, bat like you have never batted before. Unleash your awesomeness on the Indians. Then you can go back to the modelling/singing/flashy fielding/golfing/whatever else you are good at (I want to save my breath). But for today just bat.

Happy birthday pretty boy.

That Buffalo factor

It's been a while since I have bashed Graeme. He didn't do anything more stupid than usual. But then, he dropped a catch yesterday.

Some would argue that it was a hard one. But if you watched him carefully, you will know that his big, hefty body didn't even leave the ground. Which it should, because he is a fucking Saffa. Then again, Saffa fielding yesterday was so morbid, I wanted to slowly suffocate myself to death. I sincerely believe that would have been more enjoyable.

Just a few moments later, Jacques, the other 'fat' Saffa took a stunning jump catch at the slips. He is not even as tall as the Buffalo. So technically, had the Buffalo not been so grounded, he would have caught that, with his extra 4 inch.

He also got out before lunch today, just when we thought that the big match batsman in him will deliver.

Graeme Smith is a twat and a vertical waste of space.

Over at Kiwiland

I feel I should show some love the the Bangladeshis. I was pretty upset with them after the ODI's, but they are being...well...okay in the tests. Not really, but then again they are. I don't know how it works...or maybe it only works with Bangladesh.

Their first innings bowling was pretty alright till Guppy and Baz flattened them. Rubel still ended up taking a fiver. When the opposition bats for all of eternity, you are bound to get a few. But in 29 overs, that's not bad. Good for you, Rubel.

Then obviously the lower order had to do a shit load of work to make up for the disaster that is our middle order. Tamim and Imrul are solid openers, but they need to learn how to build bigger partnerships because after them, it is just one train wreck after another. Which is sad because I like Junaid. A lot. Not in that way. Relax.

My son failed, let's not talk about it. Thankfully, the other son that I am thinking of adopting, Mahmudullah, made up for it. As long as it is in the family, I am one happy mommy.

I am blisffuly ignoring Crashraful's existence. He bats like that anyway. A ghost that may or may not be there. It doesn't make a difference to anybody. I doubt at this point, it even makes a difference to him whether he exists or not. So why should we bother? Life is too short.

Anyway, now the Kiwis are 1 down. They still have a big lead and will probably stretch it to 300 before the Deshis bat again. Upon which they may get close or may not. Regardless, I find it really strange that they actually perform better in tests than they do in ODI's. Barring the last one they really sucked there, but tests are where they put up a fight. Maybe the time contraint stresses them out, as they might reveal in the second innings by collapsing.

But my question is, does this make Bangladesh a team that is progressing faster than we thought? Tests are the ultimate 'test', as we all keep on saying. And it is in tests that they generally perform better. They are just hopeless in the shorter format.

They are such an enigma. And I am a woman who likes mysteries. So it's strangely befitting that my team is  so puzzingly fucked.

 I was just looking for an excuse to swear.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


It wasn't some blog award so you can stop choking on your food now. I won a copy of When Freddie Became Jesus by Jarrod Kimber.

I was going to buy it anyway, but was just trying my luck when IOB (the IOB) decided to give away two signed copies for free. In case you didn't know, he wrote about 350 words in that book, which obviously gave it the cool Kiwi touch that the world in general needs. New Zealanders are just so awesome.

Thanks IOB! You are the best! I am going to look forward to my copy even more now because it will have your autograph in it. Thanks to Jrod as well for generously giving away the two copies.

If you haven't bought the book yet, SHAME ON YOU. Yes, you.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Cricket at home

Me: South African supporter
My Dad: Indian supporter

India vs South Africa, First test

Me: Dad looked, India collapsed under Dale Steyn's pace. He is the number one bowler in the world!

Dad: Hmm.

Me: India is following on. I think they are going to lose this!!

Dad: They should, after this display. Where is Zaheer?

Me: He is playing.

Dad: %#$@#@*!! Hmph!

*Sulks and walks out*

India vs South Africa, Second test

Dad: Did Sehwag score a century yet?

Me: Hmm.

Dad: Tendulkar will too.

Me: Probably.

Dad: Where is Dale Steyn?

Me: He is playing.


*I sulk and walk out*

Save JP

His batting is in dire straits.

Not surprising. Players may make fantastic debuts, then they falter. Their technical flaws are exposed, their inexperience slaps them in the face and sends them back to the pavilion. On top of that, they have all these added burden of being worth $950,000 and meeting people's expectations as a player to watch out for. You can't judge a player's greatness by one season. It's illogical. Yes, Ian Chappell, that was a response to you.

I am also guilty of having high expectations from the little man. I enrolled him in my sweet-faced assassin group and said this was the year of JP.

Since then, he has made fleeting appearances on the field. His okay bowling against England saved his test spot. But JP, you ain't a bowler, you are a god damn batsman.

We also thought he was an awesome fielder. To duly prove us wrong, the little man dropped Sehwag at the slips yesterday. Sehwag went on to make 165. Okay, so he isn't a slip fielder. But he does have great reflexes right? That drop was just a disconnect between brain and limbs.

I am extremely disappointed in him. Or I can just blame the Buffalo for putting him in the slips in the first place. But I won't, as tempting as that is. JP's batting woes is obviously causing him to fuck up everywhere else.

So it's time to save JP, meaning it's time to drop him. It's not a big deal. Every cricketer, no matter how great, needs a kick in the ass at some point. Sending JP back to the nets will shake him up. He will come back stronger. Like Hashim, like Dale, like Morne, like...well pretty much everybody.

Save JP from crumbling beyond repair under the weight of expecations. I need my baby faced assassin back.

England's future

1) Under Mascaraman's captaincy England will be frequently caught unawares, like a deer. Or like their batting line up.

2) On the edge...of a loss, at all times. The only drawing under Mascaraman will be on their faces

3) Batsmen will finally get to be themselves and play their natural game. None of this play your role in the team bullshit. That's Barbie and Belly...and Mascaraman in his natural, confused stance on life.

4) A new,ruthless England will emerge with just a dash of blush, a dip of mascara and a pinch of lipstick. Intimidating stuff!

It is all very, very scary. The Bangladeshi boys can hardly contain their fear.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

A Hallmark Card

To: India
Love: The Saffers

Roses have thorns
And violets are blue
I am a rose and I will screw you
Come to us on V-day
Watch us make your fast bowlers looks gay

Send in the spinner 
And we might look loose
But when Durby gets wickets, you hate it too
Ashy P will get out anyway
JP can't fucking play

We will lose this
But that is just fine
You're stuck with Durby who doesn't have line
We will take the draw
What else are we good for?
We might be mean
But this is the truth
Whatever we say, we really mean

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Wanted: A groin for Jesse

Groin must be wide enough to fit client, whose girth is of infinite size.

Groin must have the correct amount of rigidity mixed with a dash of flexibility as client's girth is exanding like the universe.

Groin must be peach in colour, to match his flushed complexion. If client has successfully managed to stay more than an hour on the field, the groin must have the ability to darken in colour as much blood is required to supply the excessive fat in client's body.

If playing in the IPL, client might go berserk with the bat. Groin must then be taut, for at least twelve runs per over.

Groin cannot plant the desire to run in client. He will never make it to the other end anyway. Why bother?

If you have such a groin please contact 1-888-Jesse-is-just-pleasantly-plump. Thank you.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Buttniggle is an ass

Colly Buttniggle, who I like as a cricketer, has turned out to be a bit of an illiterate. I learnt about it on Reina's blog. Nestaquin of 99.94 has written a really good piece on it too. Have a read here .

The comment made by Buttniggle was this:

It won’t be easy to find a golf course in Bangladesh, if there is one, they’ll probably have wooden clubs

If is one of the most thoughtless, tactless and ignorant comment I have ever heard. I said one of the, because unfortunately I have had to come to terms with the existence of George Bush.

I use the word ignorant rather than arrogance because I find it amusing when people from the first world, who are the pioneers of what is politically incorrect, talk like they have never been to school before. It is even more hilarious when the comments centre around the third world, where EVERYBODY is illiterate according to them. I am not even exaggerating. When I first came here, people were shocked that I knew how to speak English in just four days.

As Nestaquin pointed out, that is a joke about the poverty stricken in Bangladesh. Some may argue that such jokes are expected from the unsophisticated Collingwood. But who the fuck makes jokes about people who die because they don't have food? That is just a poor example of humanity.

Nesta has enough information about the golf courses in Bangladesh in his piece (I must say, I am rather impressed with his knowledge) so I won't stress on that. But my question is, what is the problem even if there are wooden clubs Colly? Why can't you play with them? You are not playing a tournament. It's for fun.

Growing up in a poverty stricken country means we don't have everything, like the best facilities in cricket. But we still aspire to become a world class team. We dream big and we make do with what we have. We learn the concept of sacrifice early. If that means that we have to play golf with wooden clubs or cricket with a log, so be it. Then, when we walk into the impressive halls of Lords we stand in awe, and thank our stars that we have been given this opportunity. We don't demand, we don't make tasteless jokes.

I must warn Colly that golf clubs are not the only thing that he will be seeing in Bangladesh. He will also see little children with bare feet, running into bowl fast, blisters all over. And lots of people, cramped into the edge of the roof of a twenty storey building, because they can't afford to buy a ticket. But that won't stop them from supporting the team. Maybe you should take a leaf out of their books Colly. You might be pleasantly suprised.

Losing at home is the new thing

Just not losing, losing by an innings and some runs. England's only loss in the Ashes was an innings defeat. The Saffers pulled off the same show of ultimate crap at home and now India has dramatized it to the max.

Note, in between there were series such as Pakistan in Sri Lanka, the Kiwis in Sri Lanka, Sri Lanka in India, Windies and Pakistanis in Aussieland and Pakistan vs New Zealand in Oil land. But the hosts won there (or the Sheikhs won by making money), so they are banned from taking part in this new trend. The Kiwis and the Deshis committed additional crimes by losing at home, but not by an innings. Disgraceful!

However, I must admit India did it with style. The Poms and the Saffers carefully made sure someone attempted to stand out, but doesn't really follow through. Not with India. In India, there are always heroes.

Sehwag entertains the crowd, gets out, says sorry. Sachin keeps hopes alive, gets unlucky, walks back. Durby slashes his bat around like some cheap imitation of Superman and fails inevitably. That turban causes too much friction during his flight through the air. That's why Superman put it as a cape on his back, Bhajji.
This time, their fast bowler puts up a fight too. If Witchy, Aamer and Dale are doing it, why not Zaheer?

Even after all the heroics, they cannot be saved from an innings defeat. It may be because the enormous tasks themselves are tired of being done by the same heroes. They are on strike. "Make new Indian players write history", they scream. But who is listening?

Or maybe it was the hypnotic effect of the newest number one trend in the world. If aspiring number one England and stuttering number one South Africa can do it, why not the actual number one themselves? And do it one notch above them too. With flair and style, falling merely 6 runs short. Making sure that their fans are much more disappointed than the Poms and the Saffers.

That way, they are number one in defeat as well. This commitment to the top most rank has impressed me immensely. Clearly, all doubts about which team in the world is currently number one, have been dispelled.


Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Don't hurt

You would think AB was a dainty little man, making contact with utmost delicacy, sending everybody into bouts of delighted squeals.

Well, you would be wrong because just now, he flung his dainty body at Harro and caused him to sprain his ankle. I mean, you can't really blame him. Harro just got the luckiest of wickets...the ball found direction after hitting the batsman. Not just any batsman, Sachin. On a hundred. Poor guy looked like a little boy who has lost his way. I almost felt bad for him. Almost.

Harro's ankle seems to be piss weak too. How tall is AB? 5"10? How the hell does he jump on a giant and injure him? And now he has injured himself while trying to take a dramatic catch.

Handle with care, AB. Leave that shit for the IPL. We don't care if you injure yourself then, or your team mates. Come to think of it, injuring your team mates will be an ideal situation there. Because you know, they are really the opposition.

Unfortunately, nobody in Delhi induces this type of "frolicking little girl" reaction in AB like Harro does. It's endearing and pathetic at the same time. What does he have that others don't?

Dave Warner is blond.
Dan the man is tall.
Gambhir wears that white stuff on his face.
Andrew McDonalds bowls like crap.

That's four Delhi boys with the characteristics of one Harro. Go injure them or something. Leave the Paul alone, AB. Just leave him alone.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Lucky Harro

Mega Stupid Dhoni got beaten by a mystery Paul Harris ball in his own turf. The ball came out of the blasmphemous left hand and did what any other Harro balls do. Frolick around with no aim or direction.

Strangely, this random delivery forced M.S. onto his backfoot, during the course of which he forgot to drop his hands and tried to kick the ball instead. As M.S. held his bat up like he is in some Samurai parade, the ball bounced and hit his gloves. Then it sailed to Jacques Kallis.

Paul Harris celebrated accordingly, but a good look into his eyes will tell you that he was as shocked as we were. Why only recently, he admitted to having no googlies, doosras or carrom balls. This is thus a mystery ball of another level.

The ball, aptly named Horrendous Harro, is basically any random delivery that puts the batsmen in a drunken stupor with its mundaneness, long enough for them to give up their wicket. Mega Stupid, although one of the pioneers of this delivery is not amused while Paul Harris has expressed much delight over it's creation. Meanwhile, the world continues to puzzle over the fact that he gets wickets.

Paul had also stated that he is not a miracle bowler. Paul, we will have you know that your bowling has got Jesus sulking in one corner, as it is a even bigger miracle than his birth.

Pure trash

That is what I will be for the next one month. Not the kind of rubbish where I am posting regularly and stinking up the blog world. The kind where I am not posting regularly. Sorry, there are things going on right now that I need to focus on and do. Things that will keep me away till about mid-March. But this level of rubbishness will have some sophistication.

I won't be as horrible as Durby's bowling in the first two days. That was just on a different level. Went too straight, too far, too full, too short. Too much of everything. Not surprising, as there is too much of Durbhajan in the Indian team these days. And too much of something is never good. But I don't mind his flat-track ass, as long as he is serving the Saffers.

But I definitely won't be as good as Jakes in the first session of Day 1 where he had a strike rate of about 70 at one point, with two sixes. He was so delicious that I contemplated making a big 200 sign and hanging it from the highest glacier around. But then he decided today was not the day. I don't know when it will be the day. Maybe after he retires, in some friendly match.

The level of rubbishness on this blog will be marginally better than India's fielding. At one point the only thing I heard the commentators say was "If it had hit the wicket, it would have been out". Well, if the Indians had learnt the meaning of direct hit a lot of things would have happened. Like the apocalypse.

But the blog will not be the beauty that is Hashim Amla. Hashim's wrist will one day fetch some auction house millions of dollars. Although I would have been happiest if both he and Jakes had got to the double, I am excited that Hash has gotten his shit together. His power of concentration clearly comes from the vein in his forehead that pops out every now and then to calm him down. It was on the  very edge when he was in 199, as was his wife. Now that's what you call made for each other.

The level of rubbishness will fluctuate between South African openers that are not Graeme Smith and what comes out of the mouths of Ravi Shastri and Sunny Gavaskar. According to that pair, Hashim Amla is a foil for Jakes and WAGS who have no interest in cricket have nothing to do if their boyfriends/husbands are out early. Honey, they are on vacation, they are not here for their men.

Sometimes the blog will do a Paul Harris. But not too much. I couldn't do that you guys. Then sometimes it might do a Dale Steyn, who I have decided is to be referred to as my Dale from now on. But more on that later.

Biff turns 29

Apparently, his Fatness had a birthday on February 1st. I just found out, so I could not have warned you guys in advance of this fateful day. But what would have been the point anyway? It would have been about 29 years too late.

His Fatness celebrated his birthday in India by doing press conferences. Sometime in between the team managed a cake, which he only got to enjoy for about twenty minutes. I suspect that's all it takes for Graeme to inhale anything.

Then his Fatness celebrated his birthday by getting out to the 21st ball of the day. And he made a declaration so late or so early (depending on whether you want test cricket to be saved or watch Hashim break Graeme's record), that we wanted to give him some more birthday presents, wrapped in glittery fists.

Anyway, I really wanted to wish his Fatness a simple Happy Birthday, but the usual crap got in the way. On second thought that's the way he captains. So maybe this is fitting.Not that he will get it.

What did she say...?

No Bangladesh

There will be no more posts on Bangladesh till they decide to play and not go down to the field to bend over. Not only do they bend over, they urge the opposition to kick them as hard as they can because a straightforward loss just does not do it for them. They need be smacked, kicked, thrashed and ravaged.

This is not even some bad pornographic implication. Although it has the potential to be one. I am seriously upset with them. I am going on strike when it comes to Bangladesh. Not watching, not posting.

Screw them!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

WI vs Aus

Again! Weren't Gayle and co. JUST there?

This is apparently the ODI series that they couldn't play after the test because Pakistan needed to come and intervene. I am very interested to know where the Windies were all these days. Ricky's basement, up Twatto ass, Pup's twitter account are some possible options.

Sri Lanka only tour India and Bangladesh, Zimbabwe tour whatever country clears them at security check and Pakistan visits those countries they think they can convince to come over to their land. It never happens, and inevitably Dubai or England "generously" offer their ground.

I am so bored. Haul Sri Lanka's ass over to Ozland. Or take the Aussies to Zimbabwe. Even better will be flying the Saffers to Afghanistan next.

C'mon ICC! Shake it up a notch. Take some risks. Give Ireland a test status! And some free alcohol to cricket lovers everywhere. Just because.

I might die

I think it's time to be hyper dramatic about Bangladesh.


1/1, 2/19, 5/135...9/328.

Isn't Jacob Oram a bowler?


0/71, 1/71,2/84...10/190.

Aren't Bangladesh done humiliating themselves?


Even if you don't care about your own dignity, it would be nice if you at least cared about ours. Pretty soon Bangladeshis all over the world would rather jump from the roof rather than go through yet another Bangladesh collapse. You would think this is some sort of PhD on collapsing. 

D if you get too close.
C if you get close to too close.
B if you get too close, all get into a sac together and hop back to the pavilion.
A if you get too close and fall over each other during your race to the change room. Add some broken bones and black eyes and it will be bumped to an A+.

I can't take it anymore. I really might die. But I will leave you with these wise words:


Unfortunately, you are a celebrity

Ricky Ponting goes grocery shopping. Shock? Disbelief? I've got proof.

Who would have thought? Captain of the World Champions, one of the best batsmen of his era, gum chewer for life, mass producer of saliva, hair factory- those are the things that we associate with Ponting. But buying milk and toilet paper? Never.

Which explains why there is a whole album dedicated to this epic happening, containing the exact same picture as above about eight times. This is bigger than any double century or ICC tournament folks. This is Ricky spending time with his wife and then getting scolded by her for being late for some appointment. I didn't astral project to Ozland and eavesdrop, this is the caption at the bottom.

Next, there will be a photo album dedicated to Ricky sleeping. How does Ricky sleep? Curled like a fetus? Or straight like a log? On his right side or on his back? Does he snore? If so, does he sound like a car horn or like a flute? Or does the hair in his nose make a different tune of their own?

We can only wait in anticipation.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

BD vs NZ T20

It didn't happen. Crapinfo just made some random scorecard up. They need to stay employed. And Baz was dreaming.

I mean Nathan McCullum bowled and picked up two wickets. Clearly this was some fantasy world.

The only thing that made me think twice was the fact that Dan played and picked up the highest number of wickets. But this is not Dan and this not New Zealand. They would never wear KFC on their shirts. That's what Aussies do.

Thus, as you can see, that even though the scorecard looks like Bangladesh had 'played', New Zealand never did. So the game did not happen.

If you actually saw the game on television, congratulations! You need to be checked into a mental institution. Specially if you watched Bangladesh bat.

Tempting Allan

Dear Allan,

How are the eyes? They have been looking a little tired lately. Put two tea bags over them every night and use some skin rejuvenating moisturizer. I'm sure Jonty has some good ones. That dude never looks old.

But I am not writing to you re: you lovely eyes. I need to know why you said this .

I am terribly distressed with the news. What do you need Allan? Tell me. I will make it happen.

Graeme Smith will let my Herschelle have a bowl. Do you really not want to be there when he re-launches is career as the number one bowler of 2010?

Albie will stop bowling. This I promise you.

JP will learn the look. You know the look where you burn batsmen with your eyes? Although, his face is kind of...how should I put it? Round. I don't know how threatening round faces are. Square, now that's a scary shape.

Stay Allan. CSA will send you a contract any day. They need you to be their bowling coach. We need you to breed Morne, Parnie and even ROFL if you can. Literally breed them. Like horses. Won't that be much more pleasant than bonding with Barbie over his latest lipstick collection?

Stay Allan. I beg you.

Wayne is more than a cowboy

I just realized that when I was twenty, I was dreaming about saving the world. I thought that I had achieved something, as my full proof plan turned out to be both practical and fun. Basically, I thought of unleashing King Kong, Godzilla and Nessie on the world so they could rebuild the earth from scratch. All normal things for a twenty year old.

But Wayne Parnell is a different story. By the time he hit twenty, he had received a national contract to represent his country in a very popular game. People all over the world knew who he was and were sure that one day, he was going to be one of Saffaland's greatest fast bowlers. On top of that, he can also bat. Just never gets the chance.

Now, he represents his country in pimping white outfits as well. The normal thing for this twenty year old is to travel, play a game that he loves and party...in different parts of the world. On top of that, he gets to sit on a chair with 'Police' written at the back of it, holding the coolest camera in the world, wearing a TOWEL.

If it were anybody else, their ass would have been hauled into prison for indecent exposure. With a camera too. Very suspect. But not Wayne. Wayne, he is allowed. And all because he bowls with the wrong hand.

Thank you for making me feel inadequate Parnie. Thank you very much indeed.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Saffa spinners are officially woeful

Why state the obvious? Because the selectors have the daunting task of choosing the one that is less horrendous for the upcoming test.
Fortunately, making a comparison of crap is much easier than making deciding between the best. For example, if Parnie and Tsotsobe were fighting over the third bowling spot (which they are-Ryan McLaren is in the scuffle too), things would be tougher. If we were to go by yesterday's performance in the warm up game.

But the grass IS much greener on the other side. Take Paul Harris' crap figures in yesterday's game into consideration, and they scream FUCKING PISSOFF/CON-ARTIST/BATSHIT! Or simply 12-0-71-5.91.

Then, when you are all cried out, you go take a look at Johan Botha's figures. Botha is the man right? Our capable vice-captain. Well, okay. As much of a man as you can be with 12-0-44-1-3.66. Slightly better. Botha may not be batshit but I doubt he has the skills to win a test match.

So it's a classic case of shit vs shit. And although it looks like Botha may have won this round what about their other skills?

Botha's short, sometimes sweet-sometimes bitter, high variety batting. In the ODI's. We can't remember what he used to do in tests. Whatever he does, he will be reported for chucking. Or maybe it's baseball when it comes to the batting action.
Versus Harris' jolly, "I want to score a century" batting. Never will he score a century, yet when he goes out, it seems to be his sole purpose. The whole time he bares his teeth like he is in a romantic comedy. But at least we remember how he bats in tests. That makes the score 1-1.

Then we move on to the fielding. None of them are known for their impressive fiedling skills. Sure, a good catch here and there, but it's only when the ball decides to land in the soft hands of a spinner having been roughed up enough. They are the manicurists of the cricket world. Batsmen are the pedicurists, with their dancing feet. Fast bowlers, they are just callous and unpolished.
So the only way to decide the fielding category is to judge who makes for more pleasant viewing.

Botha has an okay face, proportionate to his body and a nice shape. However, Paul Harris has that hair that has a life of it's own. Very entertaining to watch. We don't even need to go beyond that.
But Paul Harris is also too tall, which leads to neck sprains and back aches. Not to mention being unable to look where we have been looking always, straight ahead, at par with our eye level. It's very annoying.

Then, in a completely unrelated category, Botha can fly.

It's unfair I know. Giants can't get their mass to move upwards, but Harris can't get his ball to do that either. So it's 3-2 to Botha.

Congrats Botes! You are the chosen shitty one.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Quote Unquote

From Crapinfo:

"No I was just trying to smell it, how it is feeling"
-Shahid Afridi's initial response when asked by ABC whether he was trying to bite the ball

Cricket Minded has contacted the ball, just out of curiosity, and the ball responded that at the time of the biting he was feeling slightly tensed and knotty. The bite released his pressure and he was getting ready to swing both ways. But then he was put back in the box, where he cried himself to sleep. Shahid Afridi owes the ball an apology for tantalizing him with his teeth and then getting him replaced.

From Crapinfo: 

"Perhaps he didn't appreciate the lunch he was given in Australia" 
-Graeme Smith on Shahid Afridi's ball-gnawing act which resulted in a two-match ban

Cricket Minded also asked Biff to clarify his statement. This, by no means is an attack on the culinary skills of Australians or the kitchen staff during South Africa's tour of Ozland. He was merely trying to say that he really is the best person to know about the food being served, as he ate most of it during their visit. Rumour has it that Biff stuffed a ton of vegemites in the trophy to take some home, but he did not confirm or deny these allegations. We found it our duty to let him know about the higher number of people who are below the poverty line in India, in the hopes that he won't leave the country in a drought. We would also like to offer the Indians an E-collar, just in case. 

What about the invader?

As expected, I see posts after posts on Afridi everywhere. But spare some love for the pitch invader guys. It's been so long since we have had one. Roy shoulder slamming one into the ground is the last incident that comes to mind. I must point out that Roy is one secure man. You would have to be, if you suddenly decided to come in physical contact with a naked guy.

Apparently the pitch invader has been banned for life. I am very, very upset. I mean c'mon! All he wanted to do was give Khalid Latif a hug. He must be so shattered that the Pakistan U-19 team lost to the Aussies in the recent world cup. Latif was the captain of the winning Pakistan side a few years ago after all. Then you have the IPL snubs, the constant drama and not one captain that can live upto their title. It must be exhausting to be a Pakistani cricketer. All he did was recognize their pain and tried to make it go away.

Aah look, Khalid didn't mind. He didn't mind at all.


The security guards were upset because this guy made them run when they could have used that time to down beers and donuts. That's the only reason they pressed charges against him. Spiteful!

Oh well, at least he got groped by four men in return.