Another loss, but it's okay

Sometimes, I wish I could have written out Bangladesh's fate at Lords. Then, they would have gotten 200+ and put England to bat with 20 overs left in the day. England, being recent World T20 Champs would have very much believed that this was possible and set out in an attacking manner. They would have lost a few wickets on the way and resign to playing for a draw, as per English customs.

Alas, I was fast asleep on Day 5 (the match starts at 5am here!) and so Bangladesh recoiled to Steven Finn for the second time. I now find it my moral obligation to dislike Finn. I hope he gets chosen for the Ashes and the Aussies end his career.
No I don't. I hope the Aussies end Graeme Swann's career, who by the way, for the first time in eons, had zero wickets in a test. I knew this would happen the minute he won the ECB player of the year award. But anyway, he can go to hell and Steven Finn can suffer a little for being so good against Bangladesh.

All is not lost however. I think for the first time, Bangladesh impressed millions around the world who doubted their test status. The skeptics are still not full converts but they are getting there. A big part of it is because of the two names that made it to the historical Honours Board at Lords. Shahadat shocked me, but I had no doubt about Tamim's ability to make his country proud. When I look at the names on the lists, I can't help but get ahead of myself and dream of a test team that is feared, the team to beat, be respected and even be the number one team in the world.

Don't laugh at me. They may have crumbled on three days out of five but they are doing something astonishing: fighting as a team...batting as a team. Sure, it's usually one half or the other but it's slowly coming together, just when people had started giving up on them. Plus, have you noticed we have a test team now?

AND, they two of them just made history.

Dare we say Day 3?

WE DARE!

Of course being too excited about this will be absolute blasphemy so I too will maintain a stern face and allow only one side of my face to curve into a half smile. I have just realized that over the years, Bangladeshi supporters have picked up much from English supporters. We no longer celebrate with crazy fireworks and colours, now we just nod in approval and quietly have a dance when no one's watching. It's essential.

I was literally in shock when I switched on the television this morning. Junaid Siddique was blocking balls after balls like he blocks everyday. I actually thought I was still asleep and Trott had just become Bangladeshi in my dream. Then I saw Junaid's hair and knew that I was awake. I mean, who wants to dream of this?

The biggest shock was that Shahadat Hossain got a fifer. Have you ever seen him bowl? His strike rate is 67! I was crying when he got selected for the test team! And now the guy is responsible for bowling England out at Lords! Strauss didn't declare, because his batsmen were walking back to the change room! That my friends is a 'what the fuck' of a good nature!

THEN, and this is another positive then, OUR TOP ORDER DIDN'T IMPLODE! Tamim made a fifty as we all know he would, Kayes did well to hang on and now lovely Junaid Siddique and Jahurul Islam are playing PATIENT CRICKET. Patient, Bangladesh, upper middle order...number three! Junaid, Bangladesh's number three, is playing patient cricket. I never thought I would live to see the day! This is turning out to be a good match for number threes eh?

And to think we are watching a test match between England and Bangladesh.That is just a 'what the fuck' of an excellent nature!

It's only day one

Tomorrow is a new day, except it's not because bloody Trott hasn't reached his 200 yet and will surely attempt to do so. I'm just hoping that bloody Trott has poor Kallis' bad luck and will fall a few runs short.

But bloody Morgan is also at 40 and will surely want his maiden 50 and then slaughter his way to his century on debut. Of course Bresnan and Prior will take this opportunity to make some more test runs. Prior needs it, his spot is on the line these days. Damn Strauss will probably make sure he gets this chance, since Kieswetter did just win the World Cup for Collingwood and Colly is after Strauss' job. He can't have that damn little spy in his team!

Our bloody bowlers will continue to give runs like Shahadat Hossain. Yes I know Shahadat has the third best bowling figures in the attack but I fucking can't believeit. That is just a measure of how shitty the rest were and nothing else. Believe me.

Bloody Shakib is still recovering from the bloody chicken pox and is probably fighting to stay awake on the field. I am going to find the person who gave Shakib chicken pox. Then I am going to give that person chicken pox again and tie them up and duct-tape their mouth, so they can't itch. I'll also leave a tape playing a scratching sound over and over again.

We might bat once Strauss gets bored with our bowlers (I suspect he won't easily because evidently, we cannot be taken lightly) and decides to man-handle our batsmen instead. I am just hoping for Tamim, Mahmudullah, Shakib and Mushfiq to show some guts. I am also hoping the bloody Poms realize that they need to give us something for getting Strauss, KP and Trott back to form. We are the most motivational team ever...for the opposition. There must be some sort of pay for this.

I have settled my fees on Lords. One Englishman by the name of Mark Chalcraft from Good Cricket Wicket is convinced we deserve it so we are almost there.

But for now, man up boys. There's still two more days of drubbing to go.

Shahadat hurts Dravid

I am a vicious woman, as you all no doubt know by now. So I took a lot of pleasure in learning that an Indian batsman had to retire hurt because he was bludgeoned by a Bangladeshi fast bowler. I jumped up and down and tried to remember the last time a Bangladeshi quickie had acheived this feat. I have come to the conclusion that this is the first time. Unless it happened before I was born.

I eagerly sat down to watch the highlights and almost sweated in ancitipation. Was it a 160mph shocker from someone? Who was it? Where did it hit the batsman? Was their blood?

To my utter dismay, the ball was a miserable 128 and came from the man with strange brains, Shahadat Hossain. Dravid thought it would bounce some more and thus ducked too much. Consequently the ball hit him under his ear.

No blood.
No broken jaws.
Just a tired Dravid wanting to go back to the change room under any pretences. Who knows if the Deshis will even pick up his wicket any time soon? He needs a rest and a nice massage if possible.
Yawn.

I thought Shahadat Hossain had guts when I saw him bowl in the first test. But if you can't even fucking hurt a batsman intentionally, what's the point of having guts? Hang them up you loser! And go take some lessons from Kemar Roach!

I don't understand why my BD boys are so nice. Maybe they are trying really hard to balance me out...

My son

My child Mushfiq-ur Rahim is so chirpy on the field, he makes the Aussies look like a quiet bunch.

His size is miniature, kind of like what an ant would look like under a microscope. That's how tiny he is.

That dude, who may or may not be legal (As a mother, it is my duty to remember his average over his age), attempted to save Bangladesh from major embarassment. With a century.

We have embarassed ourselves so many times, we are practically immune to it. But after a first day that nearly drove the Deshis themselves to life-long coma, we had hoped that we would at least lose this with our heads held high. We collapsed in the first innings and tried too many things in the second. At one point, Shahadat Hossain bowled a yorker so slow, I thought I was in a twilight zone where time had stopped. The ball was promptly sent to the boundary by the Indian batsman.

Fifth day, turning wicket, Amit Mishra and chasing 414. What could we have done? Oh I know! Support Mushfiq in both the innings while he batted his heart out to save the game. It was not to be.

After the first day I had wondered whether it was too early to be proud of Bangladesh. It was. But not too early to be proud of my child. Oh yes, that "Fuck you all, I want to bat" attitude, he gets that from me.

Not his tiny frame though. That he gets from his Daddy.

Ordinary Bangladesh

The Bangladeshi cricket team in Virender Sehwag's dictionary comes under 'O'. There's a picture of some Bangladeshi batsman getting out to yet another short ball. Probably Ashraful. The definition says,

Ordinary: The Bangladeshi cricket team, Viru. Score your triple hundred.

With these words in his heart, Virender Sehwag went out to bat. Brisk fifty. No time to waste. Must make the triple century this tour.

Bangladesh gave away 63 runs in the first 13 overs. Then they went to lunch and found their own dictionary lying around. It read,

Ordinary: What you put in the opposition's food during lunch. Warning: May have laxative-like effects. Batsmen may run back to the change room frequently.

That, I have to tell you was the correct definition. At least for yesterday. Here's some more:

Shahadat Hossain: Full-tosser no more.

Middle Stump: What Rahul Dravid lost to Shahadat. Very violently.

Mushfiq-ur-Rahim: The tiny thing that VVS failed to notice.

Session Two: Where Bangladesh were 'Ordinary' as per the Bangladeshi dictionary.

Bangladesh: In your face...BITCH.