"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Friday, July 30, 2010

Tweetin' Dale

It's true and although it's not twitterified yet, his girlfriend and AB have already verified that it is him.

So far, he has told us that he had to hold his pee while Hashim Amla picked up his numerous awards, called AB a spider, used the word 'fuck' under disguise (please!) and informed us that somebody called Panjo is in his bathroom. I can only hope Panjo is his dog, otherwise this can go under one those articles titled 'Twitter fail: how I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me'.

He is slightly demented and funny, as I had pictured him to be, and may just give Mark Boucher and Herschelle Gibbs good competition on Twitterville. So far, Mark B is clearly leading, as he responds to people and has epic 'fights' with Mrs. Neil McKenzie. He also puts up pictures of people vomiting. It's gross but it sure beats the generic, boring, feel good one liners that the other Saffers come up with.

I hope together, Dale and Mark break the pattern. I also hope that Dale doesn't take his Blackberry to the bathroom every time he uses it, so we can get a complete taste of Dale Steyn: exposed. No pun intended.

And now, as this post is becoming infamous for its series of bad titles, and because this other news is not really worthy of a separate post, from today onwards Wayne Parnell will be legally allowed to buy alcohol all over the world. While I do wish him many happy returns of the day I really just want him to return to cricket ASAP.

The same goes for his team mates.

Fan or Fanatic: Scale

You took the survey. You might not have put your answers on the comments sections...but you took the survey. Some of you even declared yourselves to be fanatics. Brave, I have to say but are you really a fanatic?

If you scored...

16-26: You are a fan! But don't get too excited because occasionally, you will be found guilty of being irrational and may even be abandoned by friends. But it's okay. I mean, which sports lover hasn't been declared temporarily insane?

28-38: You are in limbo. Sometimes you listen to reason and acknowledge that your team deserves the criticism. Other times, your rage is so misplaced that people are quickly putting aside sharp objects. They are also putting you on speaker phone and going about their daily chores while you rant/cry about your team's latest fuck up.

40-50: Congratulations! You are such a psycho that stalkers mention your name in their Annual Stalkers Congregation. You are the person that celebrities have a restraining order against and your friends probably are lying to you when they agree with you because...YOU DON'T MAKE SENSE. But they will never tell you of course, because they don't want to be added to the list of people who mysteriously disappeared in your past.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

While I was busy...

Yes, it has happened. I am too busy to watch cricket and what fucking annoys me that all around me, EXCELLENT cricket is being played!

Of course I am exaggerating because the only excellent cricket being played is in the Australia vs Pakistan series where the Aussies are taking no part in the excellence.

Aussies, not a part of excellence.

THAT in itself is EXCELLENT!

And I am missing it.

Pakistan's bowling is also excellent, which is only expected when you have Aamer and Asif in your team.

I am still missing it.

Also, Murali got 800 wickets. I watched till 799...then I got bored. I have a sneaking suspicion that it was more India wanting to give him wickets so that he could end his career on a high.

I kid. Murali is...how shall I put it...'clever in his own way' but India still looked like they were dying to give him wickets didn't they? Maybe they have "bring Lalit back" parties to go to.

Lastly, after their comeback against Ireland (fucking hell!) Bangladesh lost to Netherlands.

I am actually glad that I missed that. You should be too, otherwise you would have had to read yet another article on how Bangladesh have disappointed me. What is the point?

The point is, I am busy and I am missing cricket.
I hate it.

The adoption of ROFL

Children, it's been decided. For months now I have struggled with the decision to adopt this strange looking yet absolutely endearing alien. Most of the time my struggle was directly correlated to his performance on the pitch.

Wickets= leaning towards adoption.
Wicket less = Hell no!

Then he got dropped from the ODI team, came back, performed miserably got dropped again...I didn't have time to support his difficult days. He has a wife for that, which incidentally is news to me. The mother is always the last to know, how very typical.

I only wanted to revel in his good days. I mean, if I wanted a troubled child I would have one of my own. Why adopt an alien?

But now, I have no choice. Even though he is not back in the squad and kind of proving himself to be a little shit and predictable, I am left with no other option but to adopt him. A great force has compelled me. This force, unfortunately, did not rise from hidden maternal instincts. Instead, it was born out of a pair of pants.

ROFL went to CSA's annual golf day in these pants.
ROFL let other people see him in these pants.
ROFL posed for a picture in these pants.

He might not be my son yet, but he is a Protea and no member of my team shall ever look like...well, like this! A half man, half zebra with an alien residing in the middle. This is a crime against humanity, nearly punishable by death although, I am pretty sure PETA will kill us before we can kill that zebra.

I think we can safely say that ROFL will have to work really hard to become a regular in the squad again but there is no reason why he can't look like a normal person while he is at it. That is where I come in. From now on, ROFL is my son.

You can address all gifts to me. I will pass them onto him when he comes of age.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Fan or Fanatic?

Answer the questions to find out if you are borderline psychotic or just a good old sports nuts who doesn't mind the occasional bar brawl.

Question 1: Your team loses a final match because they sucked so bad, minnows could have beaten them in their sleep. You watched the match with a group of friends who were all supporting the other team. Your friends are trying very hard to not rub it in your face by pointing out that they only lost because they played terribly. You:

a) Call upon your inner Senshi and knock all your friends out with one kick [6 pts]
b) Try to jump out of the window because you have been betrayed by the very people you thought were your friends [8 pts]
c) Sit silently and appear to be calm but really, you are trying to figure out how to finish off the members of your team one by one [4 pts]
d) Pretend to cry hysterically (okay, some of the tears are real) so your friends stop teasing you [2 pts]

Question 2: Someone tests your loyalty to your favourite player in the whole world by asking you to get his/her name tattooed in a very questionable area of your body. You:

a) Agree immediately. Heck, you sleep with this person's picture underneath your pillow so why not? [8 pts]
b) Agree but only if you also get to put the name of your significant other next to it [6 pts]
c) Refuse outright because...you already have his/her name tattooed in a very questionable area. You are not about to get a second one, that would be crazy! [10 pts]
d) You refuse on the grounds that you don't need to do anything so outrageous to show your loyalty, a fake tattoo will work just as well [4 pts]

Question 3: Sachin Tendulkar just declared to the world that his 'fans' embarrass the crap out of him when they wage a war against anybody who say anything bad about him. Even something trivial like, 'Sachin is having a bad hair day'. You:

a) Listen to him and stop immediately, but only because he is God [6 pts]
b) Contact the media to ask if that is really Sachin because you could have sworn that when you stalked him last night, he had a goatee [8 pts]
c) Go on the web and find articles on Sachin's announcement. Then swear at the SOBs, bastards, mother fuckers, ^%!*$* who wrote about it [12 pts]
d) Send him letters of protests and organize a march to fight for your right to continue your behaviour [10 pts]

Question 4: Your team cheats, lies, bullies and basically uses every unsportsmanlike tactic in the book to secure a crucial win. You:

a) Call it persistence and gloat about the win [6 pts]
b) Know what they did was wrong but still justify it to those who point it out [8 pts]
c) Say that you never watched the game and all you care about is the result [4 pts]
d) Switch teams temporarily i.e. till everybody stops hating them [0 pts i.e. what kind of a fan are you!]

Question 5: You are on a date and just found out that your favourite cricket player retired from all forms of the game. You:

a) Pretend to be more depressed than you really are to see if your date moves closer to 'comfort' you [ 4 pts]
b) Actually slump into depression and start writing a letter of thanks to him in the middle of the date [10 pts]
c) Pretend your date is the cricketer...you've always wanted to have dinner with him [12 pts]
d) Drone on and on about the cricketer to your date, till they fall asleep [6 pts]

Put your score in the comments section and wait for the next post to see whether you are a fan...or a FANATIC!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Child Labour

After trying the whole 'let only senior citizens play for the cricket team' experiment, the Aussies have now moved to the other side of the spectrum. They are now employing children to play for them.

It may work, just like the Senior Employment Program did...for a while anyway. However, it was years of frustration that propelled the players into becoming a super cricket breed. Most of them could form their own friggin' cricket team and thwart the national one, but they waited patiently and it paid off. What could the children bring to the table?

Maybe Lollipops for the opposition team, or the ice cream truck; big round sad eyes when the opposition bully them, a cuddly bear for Andrew Hilditch that say 'you're simply the best' every time you rub it's belly. 

However they bring it to the team, I congratulate Australia for finally growing some balls and trying out something totally innovative and new. If this works, it may spark a new trend, not only in cricket but in other sports as well. Giving fresh young blood a chance when they are still in their diapers...who would have thought?

In case you are wondering, Stuart Broad
is sulking about not being the suspiciously baby-faced person anymore. We have suggested that he get over it and embrace his inner Barbie.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Scared of Dale Steyn?

Don't be. It seems that Dale is so upset that batsmen fear him and so desperate to be liked by everybody that he has decided to wear a skirt.

With a pink sash.
Courtesy of: Cricket South Africa

I understand the Oranje but what was the need for the polka dotted skirt Dale? 

I guess in a way, it is really cool that Dale Steyn is that wacky and crazy guy that will go all out to support his team and I would normally hang out with that guy except for the fact that I am a die-hard Spain supporter. Been supporting them almost simultaneously with the Saffers.

So it's game on Dale, and I am not scared of you! But that's probably because I've never had to face one of your yorkers.

And just as an advice, I doubt any batsman will like you in a skirt. Your gait is too manly.

Memories: Bangladesh vs Pakistan '99

This is a new series that I might start, when I have shit all to write about and the brain is not coming up with anything clever. Not that it does in general.

Anyway, before this epic match our first ever World Cup campaign was pretty much as expected- a nice ass-whooping. We were only there to be beaten, although we did win one against Scotland. I mean, our captain was too old and our 'star' player was too fat. Hence you can see why never in our wildest dreams had we ever imagined that Bangladesh would achieve something very special in their first ever World Cup.

I must admit that I had very little interest in the game, meaning I fleetingly watched Bangladesh bat. Both the games on that day (New Zealand vs Scotland was the other) would have not even the slightest influence on the tournament.

Other than humiliation for Pakistan.

When Pakistan was three down for 26 runs, a friend called to swear at me for not watching the match. I screamed and ran to turn on the t.v. and from what I recall, alarmed my family who thought I had either died or discovered gold in the house. That's when Inzamam fell to Khaled Mahmud and Geoffrey Boycott uttered some of my favourite words in commentary history,

"Look how short he is! But it doesn't matter because shorty's on fire!"

Just then, as a bloody anti-climax, we had a blackout. Frustrated, I went to sit on my front yard. I am pretty sure that people around the area showed up/called the hydro company and threatened to electrocute them because the power failures usually lasted about a good hour. Instead, it came back within twenty minutes. I was feeling lazy, so decided to hang out in my front yard for a few more minutes but had to run back as my I heard my neighbours scream their heads off.

Pakistan were five down.

The rest of the wickets went by very fast and I have very little recollection of them, other than intense happiness. But what felt even more amazing was the sure knowledge that my team was going to win against the stalwarts, as we waited for Saqlain Mushtaq's run out decision (he was the last wicket to fall). Bangladesh partied for a week. We had not progressed but had surely earned respect. Plus, it was a very emotional victory which you will only understand if you know the history of Bangladesh and how it was born. But I'm not going to get into that right now.

Sometime later, as match-fixing allegations unfolded, most were sure that this match was definitely fixed (I can't recall if anybody was actually found guilty), since there was no way in hell a team like Pakistan was going to lose to Bangladesh. To which I say...just stay tuned for more of my memories from Bangladesh cricket.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

T3D4: Roach problem

Okay, bad title, but honestly I couldn't be bothered to put so much thought into this. The Windies sure didn't. I thought Sulieman Benn was just being annoying. But turns out there are more than one West Indian who think it is uber cool to be all in your face and vocal when the series has already been lost. Sure the Saffers stupidly lost three wickets (what was THAT all about?), but seriously, whatever could Kemar Roach have said to Jakes in such a situation?

Roach: You stupid fatty, you think you've won the series?
Kallis: Actually we have, so why don't you just go and pretend to bowl well?
Roach: You think you are cool hammering us around and having a successful tour? Well let me tell you, there's no dignity in beating us. We suck!

Of course once again, I like both the parties involved. Kemar HAS the bowling talent to accompany his gangster attitude, he just needs to learn when to use it. And let's not get into Jacques Kallis or this post will never end.

But I still am curious as to why the Windies were behaving this way? What did they get out of it other than some hugs from AB de Villiers? (that boy will use any excuse to touch somebody)
Kallis, being the bigger man that he is (literally and figuratively, he could smash Kemar's face into flat bread anytime) sought him out to shake hands with him after...and the Roach continued to sledge him! It was kind of like trying to tell someone who dumped you that you don't think you should see each other any more i.e. pathetic.

Sulieman Benn continued to be in the picture, slyly walked passed Dale Steyn so as to not shake hands with him. Dale Steyn then received the honour of being the Man-of-the-Series and had his entire match fee taken away.

As expected everyone involved tried to downplay the situation.

Men are even more stupid than I thought.