The worst thing about getting lazy is right when you have compiled a thousand and one ways to make fun of the Aussies, the Saffers come up with a performance like the one we were subjected to yesterday.
And I was going to make so much fun of Pat Cummins being Barbie's pre-pubertal Ken with zits that are so terrorized by Saffa batsmen that they pop on their own.
I hadn't bargained for SA's wonderful middle order. Actually, was there even a middle order? I certainly didn't see them. Did you?
I didn't see the bowling either, so I can't really comment on how that went. But it seems like the pitch worked pretty well for Pat Cummins (who better fade away soon). So I don't know what my Dale and Morkel were doing.
Of course, the correct way of going about this is to blame the rain. South Africa loses 90% of the games that have been affected by rain. The rest 10% are washed out.
So no, I will not write a proper post on this because there are still two more games to go and Ricky Ponting will very soon revert back to his 'can't bat, can't captain' stance. I can feel it coming.
My only consolation from this game is that Witchy Mitchy is soon going to feel the pressure from Ken Cummins and give us the joy of pie chucking.
(In case you are wondering, I will also not mention Bangladesh's glorious revenge against the West Indies. I would have, had it been the second ODI of the three ODI's series but it wasn't. It was the last miserable game and the series had already been lost by then. So what is the point? Bangladesh-always coming up with a stellar performance when all has been lost. We have to fucking change the format of every series for them. Start with the last ODI first! Idiots.)
Showing posts with label Mitchell Johnson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mitchell Johnson. Show all posts
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Twelve days to go..
Time for another SA vs Aus series. I've been waiting for this since...well, the last SA vs Aus series. Nothing and I mean NOTHING, makes me happier.
Dale Steyn and Mitchell Johnson will snarl and swear.
Ricky will want to repeat what was apparently his proudest moment as captain- a series victory in South Africa with his new, young, moderately talented team.
Morne will seek revenge. He took a LOT of heat from the Aussies last time. Deservedly so. He was a bitter disappointment.
ALLAN DONALD and GARY KIRSTEN are back, in a different capacity. They haven't tasted a victory against the Aussies as Proteas in AGES.
AB is injured and out.
The Proteas haven't played since the last ice age.
The Aussies have only beaten Sri Lanka in recent times. I don't even know if we should call Sri Lanka a team anymore. They have so many players, it's like an exchange student focus group. People come, share their stories and leave. No one stays long enough to form a solid foundation.
But that's not my problem right now. This series has all the makings of a true thriller.
All I want from this series is for Dale to knock someone out, Mitchell to have many different hairstyles, a comeback by Mark Boucher, Twatto's tears, Ricky spitting on Pup and a South African victory.
But really, I'll just settle for some good cricket. Talent vs talent, attitude vs attitude, brilliant strategies from Graeme Smith and Michael Clarke.
Okay, I'll take two out of three. It's not like I have a choice.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Of cycles
Life is a cycle. Hence upon coming back to life I quickly died for a second time, because people thought a very good welcome back news would be that of Bhajji scoring a test century. It was instant death. No time for goodbyes. Hell not even time for the last gasp. Shame on you!
Australia is also in a cycle. It's called the shit cycle. Sometimes the cycle breaks because really shit is not circular. Shit just piles on and makes things shittier. I don't mean excretory materials, I mean shit that happens. But when you yourself are the shit that happens to...yourself, what can you really do? Think about that sentence long and hard. It's not that complicated. It basically means Australia had a fabulous third Ashes test series again and Mitchell Johnson was the main reason behind it. He swore at the press, Australia became all cocky again and England crumbled. Sounds familiar? No children, your life is not in repeat. Australia is. The only factor that's different here is that the next test is a Boxing Day test, and Australia have never lost those. I say never because I am too lazy to do research. But I am sure it borders on never. But does that really change anything? England is still the better team. Please do not ask me to explain that sentence. I've already ripped my heart into pieces typing that.
Not everybody is going around in cycles. Kallis just broke his cycle of getting close to the 200 mark and jumped right through it. I didn't know if it (what else did you expect?) till I went to Cricinfo and saw a picture of Kallis' hair. By now the picture has become legendary, so I won't bother putting it on here. But I will tell you that I actually started reading the caption because I thought Kallis had batted for so long that he had actually started growing hair. I mean it's Christmas time and he is 36. One of these days Santa had to give the boy what he really wanted right? It was only then that I realized that he had actually batted to 200 runs, not 200 days. I celebrated his achievement by brushing my own hair.
He has inspired me to break this cycle of absence that I have been stuck in lately. We will take it one day at a time. Don't get your hopes up, but know that I am trying.
In case I am gone for a long time, I will leave you with this very thought-provoking question: Am I Mitchell Johnson?
Australia is also in a cycle. It's called the shit cycle. Sometimes the cycle breaks because really shit is not circular. Shit just piles on and makes things shittier. I don't mean excretory materials, I mean shit that happens. But when you yourself are the shit that happens to...yourself, what can you really do? Think about that sentence long and hard. It's not that complicated. It basically means Australia had a fabulous third Ashes test series again and Mitchell Johnson was the main reason behind it. He swore at the press, Australia became all cocky again and England crumbled. Sounds familiar? No children, your life is not in repeat. Australia is. The only factor that's different here is that the next test is a Boxing Day test, and Australia have never lost those. I say never because I am too lazy to do research. But I am sure it borders on never. But does that really change anything? England is still the better team. Please do not ask me to explain that sentence. I've already ripped my heart into pieces typing that.
Not everybody is going around in cycles. Kallis just broke his cycle of getting close to the 200 mark and jumped right through it. I didn't know if it (what else did you expect?) till I went to Cricinfo and saw a picture of Kallis' hair. By now the picture has become legendary, so I won't bother putting it on here. But I will tell you that I actually started reading the caption because I thought Kallis had batted for so long that he had actually started growing hair. I mean it's Christmas time and he is 36. One of these days Santa had to give the boy what he really wanted right? It was only then that I realized that he had actually batted to 200 runs, not 200 days. I celebrated his achievement by brushing my own hair.
He has inspired me to break this cycle of absence that I have been stuck in lately. We will take it one day at a time. Don't get your hopes up, but know that I am trying.
In case I am gone for a long time, I will leave you with this very thought-provoking question: Am I Mitchell Johnson?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
What's in your belly?
Sometimes, Stuart Broad inspires me. It's purely accidental of course, but it happens. This time he has inspired me to spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering what is in each cricketer's belly.
Apparently, Barbie has fire in his (link via GreyBlazer). Models all over the world are wondering if this is the new way to shed a few pounds before a big show.
That got me thinking. If Barbie has fire in his belly then what about those real fast bowlers? What do they have in their bellies that drives them to be the fantastic bowlers they are?
Dale Steyn, I would say, has a set of eyes that commands his deliveries. The eyes are that of a woman's, don't ask me whose. All I know is that she is very powerful and can turn Dale into a maniac.
Aamer definitely has a cute, cuddly but rabies infested mouse. I hear the mouse has RP tattooed on it's body. Asif has some mysterious smoke. I think it was once a fire that went on strike the minute Barbie made his claim. Never fear, it will be back. Barbie's is probably a fake plastic one anyway.
Dougie has a razor, which may also explain his hairstyle. Hilfy has fighter jet plane.
Maliga has an axe, a slightly erratic one. Kemar Roach has a thousand beetles that will crawl all over you till you give in to them. Mitchell Johnson has two fat eggs because at least one of them seems to be dysfunctional at some point. Morne has a lollipop and Fidel Edwards has your momma.
And I know this name doesn't belong here but I thought I would let you know that Shane Watson has hair gel in his belly, before he starts crying.
Disclaimer: No fast bowler was cut open surgically or otherwise during the making of this post.
Apparently, Barbie has fire in his (link via GreyBlazer). Models all over the world are wondering if this is the new way to shed a few pounds before a big show.
That got me thinking. If Barbie has fire in his belly then what about those real fast bowlers? What do they have in their bellies that drives them to be the fantastic bowlers they are?
Dale Steyn, I would say, has a set of eyes that commands his deliveries. The eyes are that of a woman's, don't ask me whose. All I know is that she is very powerful and can turn Dale into a maniac.
Aamer definitely has a cute, cuddly but rabies infested mouse. I hear the mouse has RP tattooed on it's body. Asif has some mysterious smoke. I think it was once a fire that went on strike the minute Barbie made his claim. Never fear, it will be back. Barbie's is probably a fake plastic one anyway.
Dougie has a razor, which may also explain his hairstyle. Hilfy has fighter jet plane.
Maliga has an axe, a slightly erratic one. Kemar Roach has a thousand beetles that will crawl all over you till you give in to them. Mitchell Johnson has two fat eggs because at least one of them seems to be dysfunctional at some point. Morne has a lollipop and Fidel Edwards has your momma.
And I know this name doesn't belong here but I thought I would let you know that Shane Watson has hair gel in his belly, before he starts crying.
Disclaimer: No fast bowler was cut open surgically or otherwise during the making of this post.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Warding off injuries
I am not entirely surprised that Australia's bowlers are continuously injured. They have tormented so many teams for so long that all the curses, voodoos and black magic have finally caught up with them. Sure, Shane Warne didn't turn into a toad and Witchy didn't croak like a crow, but he did have to sit this series out because of the most ridiculous injury, an elbow infection caused by a tattoo. Second only to the English buttniggle pandemic of 2009. And in place of Shane Warne, Hauritz.. their.. ahem..next best spinner (*cough*traded down*cough*) now has a foot injury.
Normally, I would laugh. Well, I laughed this time too but then England started to win and Broad came on television a few too many times celebrating wickets. It made me violently ill. So for the sake of my health, I am giving the Aussies tips on how to ward off the injuries before they lose the entire series. I did cast most of them after all.
First, take a handful of Glenn's hair and then put them on Bolly's head. Then make sure Josh touches Bolly's tomato face before bowling. Give the little Piglet a.k.a Smith some ciggies to make him spin like Warne. Ask Twatto to give Bon Jovi of the 80's his hair back and as for Ryano, lower his chest for fuck's sakes!
Lastly, before they all go out, make them- and this is important- listen to Brett Lee songs.
Of course it also helps to win the toss and not choose to bat first with a piss weak bowling attack against a line up that bats deep. But I am not about to give you tips on how to get through to your hairy little goblin.
P.S: When I first wrote this I forgot all about Clinkt McKay, which is exactly how he should be kept injury free. Forget about him and keep him off the field.
Normally, I would laugh. Well, I laughed this time too but then England started to win and Broad came on television a few too many times celebrating wickets. It made me violently ill. So for the sake of my health, I am giving the Aussies tips on how to ward off the injuries before they lose the entire series. I did cast most of them after all.
First, take a handful of Glenn's hair and then put them on Bolly's head. Then make sure Josh touches Bolly's tomato face before bowling. Give the little Piglet a.k.a Smith some ciggies to make him spin like Warne. Ask Twatto to give Bon Jovi of the 80's his hair back and as for Ryano, lower his chest for fuck's sakes!
Lastly, before they all go out, make them- and this is important- listen to Brett Lee songs.
Of course it also helps to win the toss and not choose to bat first with a piss weak bowling attack against a line up that bats deep. But I am not about to give you tips on how to get through to your hairy little goblin.
P.S: When I first wrote this I forgot all about Clinkt McKay, which is exactly how he should be kept injury free. Forget about him and keep him off the field.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Ricky's prayer
Oh Tasmanian Devil,
Please take over Pup and make sure every inch of niceness in that bastard is gone! Make sure you tell him not to bat if Australia are chasing or they are in a wobbly position, which they shouldn't be to begin with.
Let Kevin Pietersen burst in flames. His brain, hair, wide chest, sunglasses, iron-like arms should all be one giant pile of ashes. Let Andrew Strauss then come and take those fucking ashes home!
Let Andrew Strauss watch the whole match, every minute of the drubbing that my boys (I know Pup is the captain but who are we kidding? They still play for me) that my boys will give them to let him know what to expect at the end of this year. If possible, make Giles Clarke have a panic attack, change the rules of the game and put Andrew Strauss in the team during England's batting innings. Then make Pup give the ball to Witchy, he will break his hand.
Swap Graeme fucking Swann's body with Nathan Hauritz. I will do the rest.
Make Warner grow into a bigger ape so he can take Barbie and put him in his rightful place-in the forest with Naomi Watts.
Pay some girls to be Collyniggle's fans. He is so unappreciated in England that it will go straight to his head and his will forget how to be a captain. He might even think he is Alastair Cook.
Let Australia win so I can have another World Cup under my belt. After all, I am the real captain of the team.
Amen.
Please take over Pup and make sure every inch of niceness in that bastard is gone! Make sure you tell him not to bat if Australia are chasing or they are in a wobbly position, which they shouldn't be to begin with.
Let Kevin Pietersen burst in flames. His brain, hair, wide chest, sunglasses, iron-like arms should all be one giant pile of ashes. Let Andrew Strauss then come and take those fucking ashes home!
Let Andrew Strauss watch the whole match, every minute of the drubbing that my boys (I know Pup is the captain but who are we kidding? They still play for me) that my boys will give them to let him know what to expect at the end of this year. If possible, make Giles Clarke have a panic attack, change the rules of the game and put Andrew Strauss in the team during England's batting innings. Then make Pup give the ball to Witchy, he will break his hand.
Swap Graeme fucking Swann's body with Nathan Hauritz. I will do the rest.
Make Warner grow into a bigger ape so he can take Barbie and put him in his rightful place-in the forest with Naomi Watts.
Pay some girls to be Collyniggle's fans. He is so unappreciated in England that it will go straight to his head and his will forget how to be a captain. He might even think he is Alastair Cook.
Let Australia win so I can have another World Cup under my belt. After all, I am the real captain of the team.
Amen.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Bowling is skin deep
When Binga was injured for the umpteenth time Dougie B packed his bags and waited for the call. Actually, he might have waited even before Binga injured himself. Everybody knew it was coming. He is paying back mankind for unleashing his atrocious Hindi song upon us. One injured limb for every record sold.
But the call never came. Dougie waited with his tomato face till someone gave him a squeeze and said,
"The peacock is in its way, Dougie"
"Why Hildy why?" Dougie asked.
No answer.
Dougie and Harris arrived at the IPL at the same time, both were easily the best bowlers of the tournament and both won matches for their teams. Dougie's team...eventually...won...the IPL!
So when the time came to replace Binga and Hilfy was still unavailable, most thought the new IPL3 champions AND the one who kept his Aussie colours with his IPL team, would be an automatic choice. But it was not to be. It was Ryan Harris who got the call, the same Ryan Harris whose chest is placed too highly, just like a peacock's.
How can Binga, one of the prettiest men in cricket, be replaced by Dougie tomato face? Getting people to come watch the games in the Windies is tough enough and on top of that they lose Binga and his applebutt. So they replace the butt, with a chest.
Dougie has none of this. I mean, the man makes Simon Katich look handsome for fuck's sakes!
No, Dougie has no place in the Australian squad. Not when he is replacing Brett Lee. Not when the people will come back to watch Ryan Harris till they can figure out why his chest is so oddly placed.
Unless Witchy picks up an injury and McKay, MacDonald, Moises, McGrath and Bracken are all unavailable.
But the call never came. Dougie waited with his tomato face till someone gave him a squeeze and said,
"The peacock is in its way, Dougie"
"Why Hildy why?" Dougie asked.
No answer.
Dougie and Harris arrived at the IPL at the same time, both were easily the best bowlers of the tournament and both won matches for their teams. Dougie's team...eventually...won...the IPL!
So when the time came to replace Binga and Hilfy was still unavailable, most thought the new IPL3 champions AND the one who kept his Aussie colours with his IPL team, would be an automatic choice. But it was not to be. It was Ryan Harris who got the call, the same Ryan Harris whose chest is placed too highly, just like a peacock's.
How can Binga, one of the prettiest men in cricket, be replaced by Dougie tomato face? Getting people to come watch the games in the Windies is tough enough and on top of that they lose Binga and his applebutt. So they replace the butt, with a chest.
Dougie has none of this. I mean, the man makes Simon Katich look handsome for fuck's sakes!
No, Dougie has no place in the Australian squad. Not when he is replacing Brett Lee. Not when the people will come back to watch Ryan Harris till they can figure out why his chest is so oddly placed.
Unless Witchy picks up an injury and McKay, MacDonald, Moises, McGrath and Bracken are all unavailable.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
It sucks to be Brett Lee
This is not a continuation of the Buffalo post, but I couldn't find a more apt title for the disaster that is Binga's career. No hear me out, it IS a disaster.
First of all, the injuries. Oh so many of them! And even though he looks, dresses, sings like Twatto he is hardly an opener who knows how to bowl. He is a fast bowler and those folks pick up injuries that break them down. One at a time. Binga's elbow and knees have endured so much, the Federal Mutant Detectors are keeping an eye on him.
I lie. There is no such thing, but if there was Binga would be on their list.
Second of all, he has to be the only fast bowler in the world who got sidelined/dropped from the team despite being in good form. He hasn't lost the ability to take wickets, he hasn't lost his pace, he is still fit (minus that apple butt...has anyone noticed that THAT thing never changes shape?)...and yet he is not in the starting XI! It's not his fault really. A tirade of young fast bowlers have emerged for the Aussies in all three formats and it's probably the right way to go. But that's hardly a consolation for Tweety man right?
Third, his IPL stint. This is really based on today's game but very little is going well for him these days. Sure he got chosen for the WC T20 because of the IPL, but is he going to get a game? If Nannes is fit (evidently he is now injured) and Shaun Tait continues to be the speedy bastard that he is, Binga will be the drinks man. Oh wait, Witchy's in the squad. So Binga will probably have to sit in the dressing room with his guitar.
Which brings us to the fourth problem, his music. Yes, he is going to be writing the official song for WC 2011 but that doesn't mean we will like it. And neither does it mean he is a rock star. Cricket Australia needed a gentle way to inform him that he will not be getting a game and ICC wanted to make some budget cuts. So the two brainstormed and came up with this brilliant plan.
Brett Lee will open and close with his official WC song. That way he will get to be around the Aussies boys throughout the tournament AND ICC don't have to spend that much on the ceremonies.
The only good part of it all is that Binga can't produce a customary wide or no-ball while performing. Unless he misses a beat or goes off key.
First of all, the injuries. Oh so many of them! And even though he looks, dresses, sings like Twatto he is hardly an opener who knows how to bowl. He is a fast bowler and those folks pick up injuries that break them down. One at a time. Binga's elbow and knees have endured so much, the Federal Mutant Detectors are keeping an eye on him.
I lie. There is no such thing, but if there was Binga would be on their list.
Second of all, he has to be the only fast bowler in the world who got sidelined/dropped from the team despite being in good form. He hasn't lost the ability to take wickets, he hasn't lost his pace, he is still fit (minus that apple butt...has anyone noticed that THAT thing never changes shape?)...and yet he is not in the starting XI! It's not his fault really. A tirade of young fast bowlers have emerged for the Aussies in all three formats and it's probably the right way to go. But that's hardly a consolation for Tweety man right?
Third, his IPL stint. This is really based on today's game but very little is going well for him these days. Sure he got chosen for the WC T20 because of the IPL, but is he going to get a game? If Nannes is fit (evidently he is now injured) and Shaun Tait continues to be the speedy bastard that he is, Binga will be the drinks man. Oh wait, Witchy's in the squad. So Binga will probably have to sit in the dressing room with his guitar.
Which brings us to the fourth problem, his music. Yes, he is going to be writing the official song for WC 2011 but that doesn't mean we will like it. And neither does it mean he is a rock star. Cricket Australia needed a gentle way to inform him that he will not be getting a game and ICC wanted to make some budget cuts. So the two brainstormed and came up with this brilliant plan.
Brett Lee will open and close with his official WC song. That way he will get to be around the Aussies boys throughout the tournament AND ICC don't have to spend that much on the ceremonies.
The only good part of it all is that Binga can't produce a customary wide or no-ball while performing. Unless he misses a beat or goes off key.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
It's all relative
One day as Mascaraman stood in front of the mirror applying makeup to his eyeballs to make it as pretty as his lashes, he had heard voices. A distant whisper, in a Goochie-like voice...
"Alastair...you can bowl".
So the next day he bowled. He presumed it was a bit like throwing water balloons at people. And he had plenty of experience in that department thanks to the lovely pajama parties hosted by Ms. Stuart. He conceded 111 runs in 5 overs. 111. Straight and symmetrical. Just like his mascara brush.
Offended that a worse bowler has emerged, Mitchell Johnson quickly moved to grab the spotlight. Except he kind of forgot to grab his own brain when running out the door and tried to borrow Scott Styris'. When Scott wouldn't give it to him, Mitchy went upto the brain and started calling it in a strange language, to get it to jump out. Mitchy huffed and he puffed, but it didn't budge. Then he tried banging it with his head. Bang, bang, bang...went Mitchy.
So great was the effect of Mitchy's banging that even Butt heard it over at Pakistan. Only the air particles and infinite sound waves floating around between New Zealand and Pakistan created a chinese whisper effect and the words reached Butt's ear as 'ban, ban, ban'. Next day, any Pakistani player who had dared to have luscious hair, facial or otherwise, were banned. They said it was about the cricket, but we doubt whether Pakistan actually plays cricket or shows up once in a while to make the world interesting. Regardless, you are now punishable by law for having hair.
Which is why Dan the man got rid of his beard and in the process brought back the frown lines on Ricky Ponting's monkey face when he decided to once again, defeat the opposition all by himself. Methinks Daniel is a bit of a loner, and that is kind of a problem because this ain't tennis. Or the French football team. But it is also true that his team frequently abandons him in their quest for zesty chicken now that KFC is their official sponsor. But not Dan. Dan can't be swayed by them birds.
Chicken talk inevitably leads to the dashing Bangladeshi captain. No, the real one. The one who has given up playing altogether for unknown reasons. Mashrafe Mortaza is missing. Nobody knows why. Please find him. His team got our hopes high for a brief period (you think we have learnt our lessons by now) and his deputy took atrocious captaining to a new level. Neither the good nor the bad had anything to do with him, but according to Shakib the old Mashrafe has disappeared and the new one is no good.
Maybe the old one has gone for a walk with Lara Bingle, who, after showing too much, has also disappeared. Before that however, she made her beloved fly back home...only to end things. These are times when I am in full support of phone break ups. Think of all the paper that we would have saved had Clarke not flown back and the media not gone crazy. And think of all the paper they will be using when Clarke gets into another relationship and the papparazzi tries to get a statement from Bingle. I don't give a shit about the matter of their hearts, I just want the trees saved.
In extension, while you are saving trees, it is a reasonably good idea to save the Zimbabwean cricket team. A team that can beat West Indies with Chris Gayle playing is a team that deserves to be showered in Gayle's sunglasses and have Gayle serve them. At least for a night. Please can people play Zimbabwe more often?
Maybe we should have a team called the Zimbabwean Chris Gayle Beaters in IPL 4. I will get Bouch to twit his Modiness.
"Alastair...you can bowl".
So the next day he bowled. He presumed it was a bit like throwing water balloons at people. And he had plenty of experience in that department thanks to the lovely pajama parties hosted by Ms. Stuart. He conceded 111 runs in 5 overs. 111. Straight and symmetrical. Just like his mascara brush.
Offended that a worse bowler has emerged, Mitchell Johnson quickly moved to grab the spotlight. Except he kind of forgot to grab his own brain when running out the door and tried to borrow Scott Styris'. When Scott wouldn't give it to him, Mitchy went upto the brain and started calling it in a strange language, to get it to jump out. Mitchy huffed and he puffed, but it didn't budge. Then he tried banging it with his head. Bang, bang, bang...went Mitchy.
So great was the effect of Mitchy's banging that even Butt heard it over at Pakistan. Only the air particles and infinite sound waves floating around between New Zealand and Pakistan created a chinese whisper effect and the words reached Butt's ear as 'ban, ban, ban'. Next day, any Pakistani player who had dared to have luscious hair, facial or otherwise, were banned. They said it was about the cricket, but we doubt whether Pakistan actually plays cricket or shows up once in a while to make the world interesting. Regardless, you are now punishable by law for having hair.
Which is why Dan the man got rid of his beard and in the process brought back the frown lines on Ricky Ponting's monkey face when he decided to once again, defeat the opposition all by himself. Methinks Daniel is a bit of a loner, and that is kind of a problem because this ain't tennis. Or the French football team. But it is also true that his team frequently abandons him in their quest for zesty chicken now that KFC is their official sponsor. But not Dan. Dan can't be swayed by them birds.
Chicken talk inevitably leads to the dashing Bangladeshi captain. No, the real one. The one who has given up playing altogether for unknown reasons. Mashrafe Mortaza is missing. Nobody knows why. Please find him. His team got our hopes high for a brief period (you think we have learnt our lessons by now) and his deputy took atrocious captaining to a new level. Neither the good nor the bad had anything to do with him, but according to Shakib the old Mashrafe has disappeared and the new one is no good.
Maybe the old one has gone for a walk with Lara Bingle, who, after showing too much, has also disappeared. Before that however, she made her beloved fly back home...only to end things. These are times when I am in full support of phone break ups. Think of all the paper that we would have saved had Clarke not flown back and the media not gone crazy. And think of all the paper they will be using when Clarke gets into another relationship and the papparazzi tries to get a statement from Bingle. I don't give a shit about the matter of their hearts, I just want the trees saved.
In extension, while you are saving trees, it is a reasonably good idea to save the Zimbabwean cricket team. A team that can beat West Indies with Chris Gayle playing is a team that deserves to be showered in Gayle's sunglasses and have Gayle serve them. At least for a night. Please can people play Zimbabwe more often?
Maybe we should have a team called the Zimbabwean Chris Gayle Beaters in IPL 4. I will get Bouch to twit his Modiness.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Cocktail
I don't have time to write up separate posts right now. But I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of things, most of which have pissed me off. Naturally. So this one is going to be a cocktail of such extreme measures that you may actually throw up. Just don't sue me afterwards, I warned you.
On India's win: A middle finger creeping up from every corner and getting entangled in Dhoni's hair. Then pulling Dhoni's hair to expose it as a wig.
On Sachin's double century: The cricket fan in me is jubilant but the Saffa fan in me is sulking like there is no tomorrow. Did you have to pelt my Dale to do it? Everybody's singing your praises and I should too, because nobody else deserved it more but next time (because who else will break this record other than Sachin himself?), pick ANOTHER TEAM. Like Australia. Ricky smiles too much these days. I miss his hairy, sulky face.
On AB's century: What the fuck were you celebrating for? Where were all these runs when the team needed you in the second test and the first ODI? Honestly, I don't care what a great innings it was, he looked like he just wanted his century and nothing else. I know the team wasn't able to support him, but FUCK AB, you weren't able to support the team on SO MANY OTHER OCASSIONS! Play for the team fucktard!
On Charl's eye: Brave man. He batted and bowled with his one eye. Very ghoul-like. Brought back so many childhood memories!
On Binga's retirement: No more skateboarding tweety in tests. I am actually saddened by this one. I liked Binga because he never gave up. The prime example of a keener. But hey, now he has more time to promote suits and work on a new album! It will be titled "I wasn't picked for Ashes 2009 and we lost".
On Australia's win over the Winides: Yawn.
On Australia's win over the Kiwis: When did Witchy learn to take wickets in T20? This is bad, it's very bad.
On Crashraful's drop: All I can say is, I am finally sleeping peacefully at night. Doesn't that say it all?
On Mashrafe's impending retirement from tests: Hi, National Captain. You have to be a bowler of Bond and Lee's stature to consider this. They loved their test cricket and tried everything in their power to get back to it. They only retired when they realized that AGE was not on their side either. You are TWENTY-FUCKING-SIX. Try harder.
On blogging: Man, I miss this!
On India's win: A middle finger creeping up from every corner and getting entangled in Dhoni's hair. Then pulling Dhoni's hair to expose it as a wig.
On Sachin's double century: The cricket fan in me is jubilant but the Saffa fan in me is sulking like there is no tomorrow. Did you have to pelt my Dale to do it? Everybody's singing your praises and I should too, because nobody else deserved it more but next time (because who else will break this record other than Sachin himself?), pick ANOTHER TEAM. Like Australia. Ricky smiles too much these days. I miss his hairy, sulky face.
On AB's century: What the fuck were you celebrating for? Where were all these runs when the team needed you in the second test and the first ODI? Honestly, I don't care what a great innings it was, he looked like he just wanted his century and nothing else. I know the team wasn't able to support him, but FUCK AB, you weren't able to support the team on SO MANY OTHER OCASSIONS! Play for the team fucktard!
On Charl's eye: Brave man. He batted and bowled with his one eye. Very ghoul-like. Brought back so many childhood memories!
Charl, the one eyed King
On Binga's retirement: No more skateboarding tweety in tests. I am actually saddened by this one. I liked Binga because he never gave up. The prime example of a keener. But hey, now he has more time to promote suits and work on a new album! It will be titled "I wasn't picked for Ashes 2009 and we lost".
On Australia's win over the Winides: Yawn.
On Australia's win over the Kiwis: When did Witchy learn to take wickets in T20? This is bad, it's very bad.
On Crashraful's drop: All I can say is, I am finally sleeping peacefully at night. Doesn't that say it all?
On Mashrafe's impending retirement from tests: Hi, National Captain. You have to be a bowler of Bond and Lee's stature to consider this. They loved their test cricket and tried everything in their power to get back to it. They only retired when they realized that AGE was not on their side either. You are TWENTY-FUCKING-SIX. Try harder.
On blogging: Man, I miss this!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Losing at home is the new thing
Just not losing, losing by an innings and some runs. England's only loss in the Ashes was an innings defeat. The Saffers pulled off the same show of ultimate crap at home and now India has dramatized it to the max.
Note, in between there were series such as Pakistan in Sri Lanka, the Kiwis in Sri Lanka, Sri Lanka in India, Windies and Pakistanis in Aussieland and Pakistan vs New Zealand in Oil land. But the hosts won there (or the Sheikhs won by making money), so they are banned from taking part in this new trend. The Kiwis and the Deshis committed additional crimes by losing at home, but not by an innings. Disgraceful!
However, I must admit India did it with style. The Poms and the Saffers carefully made sure someone attempted to stand out, but doesn't really follow through. Not with India. In India, there are always heroes.
Sehwag entertains the crowd, gets out, says sorry. Sachin keeps hopes alive, gets unlucky, walks back. Durby slashes his bat around like some cheap imitation of Superman and fails inevitably. That turban causes too much friction during his flight through the air. That's why Superman put it as a cape on his back, Bhajji.
This time, their fast bowler puts up a fight too. If Witchy, Aamer and Dale are doing it, why not Zaheer?
Even after all the heroics, they cannot be saved from an innings defeat. It may be because the enormous tasks themselves are tired of being done by the same heroes. They are on strike. "Make new Indian players write history", they scream. But who is listening?
Or maybe it was the hypnotic effect of the newest number one trend in the world. If aspiring number one England and stuttering number one South Africa can do it, why not the actual number one themselves? And do it one notch above them too. With flair and style, falling merely 6 runs short. Making sure that their fans are much more disappointed than the Poms and the Saffers.
That way, they are number one in defeat as well. This commitment to the top most rank has impressed me immensely. Clearly, all doubts about which team in the world is currently number one, have been dispelled.
Clearly.
Note, in between there were series such as Pakistan in Sri Lanka, the Kiwis in Sri Lanka, Sri Lanka in India, Windies and Pakistanis in Aussieland and Pakistan vs New Zealand in Oil land. But the hosts won there (or the Sheikhs won by making money), so they are banned from taking part in this new trend. The Kiwis and the Deshis committed additional crimes by losing at home, but not by an innings. Disgraceful!
However, I must admit India did it with style. The Poms and the Saffers carefully made sure someone attempted to stand out, but doesn't really follow through. Not with India. In India, there are always heroes.
Sehwag entertains the crowd, gets out, says sorry. Sachin keeps hopes alive, gets unlucky, walks back. Durby slashes his bat around like some cheap imitation of Superman and fails inevitably. That turban causes too much friction during his flight through the air. That's why Superman put it as a cape on his back, Bhajji.
This time, their fast bowler puts up a fight too. If Witchy, Aamer and Dale are doing it, why not Zaheer?
Even after all the heroics, they cannot be saved from an innings defeat. It may be because the enormous tasks themselves are tired of being done by the same heroes. They are on strike. "Make new Indian players write history", they scream. But who is listening?
Or maybe it was the hypnotic effect of the newest number one trend in the world. If aspiring number one England and stuttering number one South Africa can do it, why not the actual number one themselves? And do it one notch above them too. With flair and style, falling merely 6 runs short. Making sure that their fans are much more disappointed than the Poms and the Saffers.
That way, they are number one in defeat as well. This commitment to the top most rank has impressed me immensely. Clearly, all doubts about which team in the world is currently number one, have been dispelled.
Clearly.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Definition of an all-rounder
It is imperative that I tell you, because people seem to be suffering from bouts of dementia when they come across this word. It's very, very simple.
Picture a sale, where you find the perfect pair of shoes. You have been looking for them all your life. You can't believe you have been walking all these years without them. The price is also perfect. And then you see it. "Buy one get one free".
But the shoe that you get free is of lesser quality. You will wear it once, wince in pain and put it away. Some months later you will try it again, pain still there but a little abated. You try it again and again because really, who wants to keep free stuff tucked away? Eventually it will stop hurting and then it's like the shoes were a part of your feet.
Now look at this picture:
With these men, you get a lot of things free. Sanex products, differently styled glasses and children's novels to name some. Oh, I know what you will say. You get similar things free with the new 'all-rounders' as well.
Broady offers his bad manners and bottled up puberty to anyone who gives a shit about him.
Witchy Mitchy has his horrifying bowling action and his mother to give away as fast as a Karate chop.
Durbhajan Singh has a Hummer that he will throw at your face with great fervor anytime, as long as the Hummer is to be driven on a flat track.
Even Paul Harris has smiles to give for free. He has to. Nobody wants his bowling, even when it is free.
So that makes them all-rounders.
But friends, you forgot to note one critical point. These things must come free, ALL THE TIME. Broad sometimes grows a beard, Witchy loves his mum, Durbhajan takes the Hummer back and Harris frowns. Jakes will give you a Sanex deodrant anytime. Even if you don't stink.
Showing hints of free products at one sale and not in the next three also disqualifies you from being an all-rounder. Unless you are injured, also all the time. Then we don't really know but we pretend to agree with you because you might sit on us and crush us.
So to recap, we like free stuff and it must be given to us consistently. We also like the perfect shoe and at no point are willing to sacrifice it for the free things. If you have just started to give us both we will take it, but we will not be convinced of your abilities till you have done it for at least a few years.
In conclusion, everybody wants to be an all-rounder. Doesn't fucking mean you are one. Get over it.
Picture a sale, where you find the perfect pair of shoes. You have been looking for them all your life. You can't believe you have been walking all these years without them. The price is also perfect. And then you see it. "Buy one get one free".
But the shoe that you get free is of lesser quality. You will wear it once, wince in pain and put it away. Some months later you will try it again, pain still there but a little abated. You try it again and again because really, who wants to keep free stuff tucked away? Eventually it will stop hurting and then it's like the shoes were a part of your feet.
Now look at this picture:
With these men, you get a lot of things free. Sanex products, differently styled glasses and children's novels to name some. Oh, I know what you will say. You get similar things free with the new 'all-rounders' as well.
Broady offers his bad manners and bottled up puberty to anyone who gives a shit about him.
Witchy Mitchy has his horrifying bowling action and his mother to give away as fast as a Karate chop.
Durbhajan Singh has a Hummer that he will throw at your face with great fervor anytime, as long as the Hummer is to be driven on a flat track.
Even Paul Harris has smiles to give for free. He has to. Nobody wants his bowling, even when it is free.
So that makes them all-rounders.
But friends, you forgot to note one critical point. These things must come free, ALL THE TIME. Broad sometimes grows a beard, Witchy loves his mum, Durbhajan takes the Hummer back and Harris frowns. Jakes will give you a Sanex deodrant anytime. Even if you don't stink.
Showing hints of free products at one sale and not in the next three also disqualifies you from being an all-rounder. Unless you are injured, also all the time. Then we don't really know but we pretend to agree with you because you might sit on us and crush us.
So to recap, we like free stuff and it must be given to us consistently. We also like the perfect shoe and at no point are willing to sacrifice it for the free things. If you have just started to give us both we will take it, but we will not be convinced of your abilities till you have done it for at least a few years.
In conclusion, everybody wants to be an all-rounder. Doesn't fucking mean you are one. Get over it.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Gangsta Yousuf
You have to give it to Pakistan. They never fuck up their performance. The arrive, they slam the ball all over the place, show some promise of patience and then duly collapse. It's like the perfect circus act, only better because each time the batting order finds new ways to entertain the audience.
You know the collapse is coming, but what keeps you interested is how the collapse is coming. Will it be match-fixing? Will it be a rebellion against their captain? Or will it be a simple case of stupidity? They can do it all and more.
Like today, Salman decided to signal 'no run' to Yousuf who had his back to him, instead of screaming it out. I am very tempted to make a butt-to-butt connection joke here, but I am afraid that is just too lame. Even for me. Yousuf got run out and gave Salman a look. A look that inspired the title of this post.
If I had been a commentator on this match I would have done that thing where you go inside a player's head without a magic wand and say what they are thinking. It would have gone like this:
Yousuf: Imma fuck up your life boi. You just watch, your opening days are over.
Salman: How much money will I make if I sell his beard on Ebay? Maybe I should sell it by pound. (Makes a face that looks sheepish but is actually calculating in his mind) If 1 pound is marked for 100PKR...how many pounds does that beard weigh? 5? 10? Where is Yousuf going?
Yousuf: You fucking piece of shit. Imma burn your house down, Imma give you a wedgy...Imma flush your face down the toilet.
Then Salman does the same to Umar. Umar doesn't have a gangsta look, so it's not worth going inside his head. But honestly, why do the Pakistanis have to make the same mistake multiple times before learning their lesson?
Of course Australia is not far behind. Michael Clarke's 'let's leave the ball that will hit the wicket' style outs never fail to amuse me. 166 great runs and then this? Pup, Pup, Pup!
Then of course there is Mitchell Johnson, who continues to bowl pies. Keep it up son. We'll just use them to feed hungry people.
You know the collapse is coming, but what keeps you interested is how the collapse is coming. Will it be match-fixing? Will it be a rebellion against their captain? Or will it be a simple case of stupidity? They can do it all and more.
Like today, Salman decided to signal 'no run' to Yousuf who had his back to him, instead of screaming it out. I am very tempted to make a butt-to-butt connection joke here, but I am afraid that is just too lame. Even for me. Yousuf got run out and gave Salman a look. A look that inspired the title of this post.
If I had been a commentator on this match I would have done that thing where you go inside a player's head without a magic wand and say what they are thinking. It would have gone like this:
Yousuf: Imma fuck up your life boi. You just watch, your opening days are over.
Salman: How much money will I make if I sell his beard on Ebay? Maybe I should sell it by pound. (Makes a face that looks sheepish but is actually calculating in his mind) If 1 pound is marked for 100PKR...how many pounds does that beard weigh? 5? 10? Where is Yousuf going?
Yousuf: You fucking piece of shit. Imma burn your house down, Imma give you a wedgy...Imma flush your face down the toilet.
Then Salman does the same to Umar. Umar doesn't have a gangsta look, so it's not worth going inside his head. But honestly, why do the Pakistanis have to make the same mistake multiple times before learning their lesson?
Of course Australia is not far behind. Michael Clarke's 'let's leave the ball that will hit the wicket' style outs never fail to amuse me. 166 great runs and then this? Pup, Pup, Pup!
Then of course there is Mitchell Johnson, who continues to bowl pies. Keep it up son. We'll just use them to feed hungry people.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Pie Chuckers Anonymous
Man 1: Hi my name is Witchy and I am a pie chucker.
Everyone: Hi Witchy.
Witchy: I guess it really started when I got into reading tabloids so I could connect with my vice captain, who is the reigning queen of the Aussie tabloids these days. Anyway, before long my mum was on it saying horrible things about the love of my life. That's when I first started chucking at the home of Cricket. I recovered momentarily, when my captain pointed out that at least my mum didn't say I wasn't an all-rounder. But the whole time I got my line and lenght right I kept thinking 'chuck, chuck, chuck'. It kept calling me. I tried to fight it again and again, but it just grips your brain you know. Asking you to let the batsman score runs, like the ICC. I liked to do it with the new ball most of the time. But thankfully, I ended the year with an award and as the world's top wicket taker. That is really why I am leading the meeting today, to let you all know that even when you are deep in pies...there is a smell of hope somewhere.
Everyone claps. Witchy starts to leave and then comes back.
Witchy: I also scored 500 runs BTW. See, I am an all-rounder after all.
Silence. Witchy walks off uncomfortably. An annoyed man comes to the stage next.
Man 2: Hi my name is Durby and I am a pie chucker.
Everyone: Hi Durby.
Durby: See, I came into cricket to be a pie chucker. I never had any aspirations for anything else. Sure, I pretended to be useful and good once upon a time, but to take advantage of the system you have to be in the system first. So I sealed my position in the team and then started chucking. Witchy resisted it, which is why he fell on and off the wagon. Me, I just let it drip through my nerves to my fingers and fire. Chuck, chuck, chuck. Oh, I love the sound of that. My aim is to be the king of pie chuckers. Sometimes I may get some wickets and beat the batsman, but that's only to ensure that I am never dropped from the team. I am attending this meeting to let you know that there is NOTHING wrong with chucking my friends.Specially when you are overseas where they naturally fear you because you are a spinner from India. I'm telling you folks, when you are deep in pies, it is soft and wonderful.
Some cheer guiltily, others boo half-heartedly. But the meeting is done for this week. Next week we meet some more of our fellow chuckers. Now onto the refreshments table where we are serving...apple pies!
Everyone: Hi Witchy.
Witchy: I guess it really started when I got into reading tabloids so I could connect with my vice captain, who is the reigning queen of the Aussie tabloids these days. Anyway, before long my mum was on it saying horrible things about the love of my life. That's when I first started chucking at the home of Cricket. I recovered momentarily, when my captain pointed out that at least my mum didn't say I wasn't an all-rounder. But the whole time I got my line and lenght right I kept thinking 'chuck, chuck, chuck'. It kept calling me. I tried to fight it again and again, but it just grips your brain you know. Asking you to let the batsman score runs, like the ICC. I liked to do it with the new ball most of the time. But thankfully, I ended the year with an award and as the world's top wicket taker. That is really why I am leading the meeting today, to let you all know that even when you are deep in pies...there is a smell of hope somewhere.
Everyone claps. Witchy starts to leave and then comes back.
Witchy: I also scored 500 runs BTW. See, I am an all-rounder after all.
Silence. Witchy walks off uncomfortably. An annoyed man comes to the stage next.
Man 2: Hi my name is Durby and I am a pie chucker.
Everyone: Hi Durby.
Durby: See, I came into cricket to be a pie chucker. I never had any aspirations for anything else. Sure, I pretended to be useful and good once upon a time, but to take advantage of the system you have to be in the system first. So I sealed my position in the team and then started chucking. Witchy resisted it, which is why he fell on and off the wagon. Me, I just let it drip through my nerves to my fingers and fire. Chuck, chuck, chuck. Oh, I love the sound of that. My aim is to be the king of pie chuckers. Sometimes I may get some wickets and beat the batsman, but that's only to ensure that I am never dropped from the team. I am attending this meeting to let you know that there is NOTHING wrong with chucking my friends.Specially when you are overseas where they naturally fear you because you are a spinner from India. I'm telling you folks, when you are deep in pies, it is soft and wonderful.
Some cheer guiltily, others boo half-heartedly. But the meeting is done for this week. Next week we meet some more of our fellow chuckers. Now onto the refreshments table where we are serving...apple pies!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Kallis vs Ponting
I do love good news on the very first day of the year. It's even better when it's bound to piss more than a few people off. The news is that in the last ten years, Jakes has a higher test average than Ponting. The difference is marginal (Jakes: 58.70, Ricky: 58.38) and Jakes actually has about 800 runs less than Ricky. Regardless, I could spend my whole day picturing Jakes detractors banging their head against the wall. Because you know, Jakes' specialty lies in occupying the crease for eternity, rather than scoring runs. Yet the bastard managed to top the averages. *bang bang bang bang bang*
So is Jakes a better batsman than Ricky? It's hard to say. Statistics put the two neck to neck. And these two would be the first to tell you that they are not 'stats men' (*eyes rolled to the back of the head*). Stats themselves can be debated in many ways. So we could sit here and analyze the numbers or start an alternative test of our own to decide who rules, once and for all. I opt for the latter.
Category: Style
Evidence:
Ricky Ponting wears makeup, while Jakes wears girly colours. Jakes may be slightly more creative with his jacket but Ricky seems to be the one on fire. So this one goes to Ricky Ponting, for having nailed the 'Paine is our idol' look at the wrong age. Jakes' version of Mary Poppins is just not on.
Category: Character
Evidence:
Ricky has many faces. For a comprehensive list, you can go here and here but Jakes frequently looks like that, with our without sunglasses. Although Ricky and his wide range of expressions are highly entertaining Jakes has the ability to spring an emotion when least expected.
Note, that is Jakes subtly copying Ricky. So this one goes to Jakes, for always managing to surprise us, pleasantly or unpleasantly. The score is now 1-1.
Catergory: Patience
Evidence: Contrary to what you may be thinking, this is not about crease occupation and therefore the test is not designed to ensure that Jakes win. This is about how patient each of them are based on the people they have to interact with.
Jakes has to wake up in the morning to see Biff's fat face and listen to Ntini be cheerful despite having woeful figures. Of course there's AB singing a few notes of his own songs here and there and Neil McKenzie shows up to put up the toilet seat while Jakes is on it, because he has to go out to bat.
The first face Ricky gets to see in the morning is his own. He then has to spend the rest of the day with Shane Watson's bare chest and girly shrieks, report to Mitchy's mom over the phone, say good things about Tim and Moises and last but not least, approve Pup's Bond undies. Sometimes, he even has to sit at the same dinner table with Lara Bingle.
I think we can safely say that this one goes to Ricky. They were going even, till I realized Pup likes to catch things with his undies. I applaud your patience Ricky.
Oh, so is Ricky the better batsman? Fine. Jakes will take the higher average. For now anyway.
So is Jakes a better batsman than Ricky? It's hard to say. Statistics put the two neck to neck. And these two would be the first to tell you that they are not 'stats men' (*eyes rolled to the back of the head*). Stats themselves can be debated in many ways. So we could sit here and analyze the numbers or start an alternative test of our own to decide who rules, once and for all. I opt for the latter.
Category: Style
Evidence:
Ricky Ponting wears makeup, while Jakes wears girly colours. Jakes may be slightly more creative with his jacket but Ricky seems to be the one on fire. So this one goes to Ricky Ponting, for having nailed the 'Paine is our idol' look at the wrong age. Jakes' version of Mary Poppins is just not on.
Category: Character
Evidence:
Ricky has many faces. For a comprehensive list, you can go here and here but Jakes frequently looks like that, with our without sunglasses. Although Ricky and his wide range of expressions are highly entertaining Jakes has the ability to spring an emotion when least expected.
Note, that is Jakes subtly copying Ricky. So this one goes to Jakes, for always managing to surprise us, pleasantly or unpleasantly. The score is now 1-1.
Catergory: Patience
Evidence: Contrary to what you may be thinking, this is not about crease occupation and therefore the test is not designed to ensure that Jakes win. This is about how patient each of them are based on the people they have to interact with.
Jakes has to wake up in the morning to see Biff's fat face and listen to Ntini be cheerful despite having woeful figures. Of course there's AB singing a few notes of his own songs here and there and Neil McKenzie shows up to put up the toilet seat while Jakes is on it, because he has to go out to bat.
The first face Ricky gets to see in the morning is his own. He then has to spend the rest of the day with Shane Watson's bare chest and girly shrieks, report to Mitchy's mom over the phone, say good things about Tim and Moises and last but not least, approve Pup's Bond undies. Sometimes, he even has to sit at the same dinner table with Lara Bingle.
I think we can safely say that this one goes to Ricky. They were going even, till I realized Pup likes to catch things with his undies. I applaud your patience Ricky.
Oh, so is Ricky the better batsman? Fine. Jakes will take the higher average. For now anyway.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Watto's gone twatto
And Barbie has an attitude problem. And MSD has been banned as has Sulieman Benn for pleading not guilty. All highly dramatic in the manner of a twenty year old over-stretched, over done soap opera. But slightly more funny and definitely more important because it seems to be raising questions about racism.
The exact reasoning behind why Benn was handed the ban is unclear since Haddin and Johnson was equally involved. Benn talks A LOT and he has been verbally after the Aussies for a while now, but honestly it was just an accident stretched like chewing gum by some passionate men. And chirping is allowed.
In the other end, MSD got banned for two games for not dissent, but having slow over rates. It took India friggin' long to get through their overs because of too much discussion (and it didn't help that Sri Lanka needed a runner) so the general consensus is that it is justified.
Then we have Barbie and Watto. Broad showed dissent to the umpires and Watto celebrated excessively. Watto went up to Gayle's face when he got his wicket and did this:
It was deliberately telling Gayle to 'Fuck off' and he got warned for it. So did Barbie. Now you see the problem.
The two coloured players got banned while the five not-coloured people got warnings. But MSD's had nothing to do with bad behavior and although two ODI's might be too harsh a sentence it shouldn't raise any such issues. But it might, because of all the other things that are going on right now.You can read a good debate about Sulieman Benn's sentence here but what I want to ask is, did Watto, Broad, Haddin and Johnson get lenient treatment because of the colour of their skin?
I'm going to go with no. Not because I am in denial of the existence of racism but because there is nothing extraordinary about any of the events here. All of this has happened in cricket before and have been dealt with differently. Australia is a prime example of a non-coloured team being fined for bad behaviour. The wrong that has happened here is Benn's extreme sentence, probably because he naively denied his guilt. He was right of course, he wasn't guilty of anything other than losing his temper and who the fuck gets banned for that in sports? Unless they have killed or punched somebody. But Haddin and Johnson, the clever bastards that they are, pleaded guilty and it's probably something they just said because they were aware of the consequences. Benn didn't. He is simple like that. He just wants to play cricket.
Even after the ban he is trying his best to bowl the Aussies out and fighting hard. I like the fact that he is treating the ban as an occupational hazard. Chris Broad could learn a thing or two from him. But he is probably too busy trying to exercise his powers over the umpires in South Africa for not accomodating his little boy's temper tantrums.
The exact reasoning behind why Benn was handed the ban is unclear since Haddin and Johnson was equally involved. Benn talks A LOT and he has been verbally after the Aussies for a while now, but honestly it was just an accident stretched like chewing gum by some passionate men. And chirping is allowed.
In the other end, MSD got banned for two games for not dissent, but having slow over rates. It took India friggin' long to get through their overs because of too much discussion (and it didn't help that Sri Lanka needed a runner) so the general consensus is that it is justified.
Then we have Barbie and Watto. Broad showed dissent to the umpires and Watto celebrated excessively. Watto went up to Gayle's face when he got his wicket and did this:
It was deliberately telling Gayle to 'Fuck off' and he got warned for it. So did Barbie. Now you see the problem.
The two coloured players got banned while the five not-coloured people got warnings. But MSD's had nothing to do with bad behavior and although two ODI's might be too harsh a sentence it shouldn't raise any such issues. But it might, because of all the other things that are going on right now.You can read a good debate about Sulieman Benn's sentence here but what I want to ask is, did Watto, Broad, Haddin and Johnson get lenient treatment because of the colour of their skin?
I'm going to go with no. Not because I am in denial of the existence of racism but because there is nothing extraordinary about any of the events here. All of this has happened in cricket before and have been dealt with differently. Australia is a prime example of a non-coloured team being fined for bad behaviour. The wrong that has happened here is Benn's extreme sentence, probably because he naively denied his guilt. He was right of course, he wasn't guilty of anything other than losing his temper and who the fuck gets banned for that in sports? Unless they have killed or punched somebody. But Haddin and Johnson, the clever bastards that they are, pleaded guilty and it's probably something they just said because they were aware of the consequences. Benn didn't. He is simple like that. He just wants to play cricket.
Even after the ban he is trying his best to bowl the Aussies out and fighting hard. I like the fact that he is treating the ban as an occupational hazard. Chris Broad could learn a thing or two from him. But he is probably too busy trying to exercise his powers over the umpires in South Africa for not accomodating his little boy's temper tantrums.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Boo Dale
Where is the Barmy Army? I thought they travelled far and wide to support their team and I am sure a few of them have reached Saffaland. I saw them waving their flags. Unless they were relatives of Trott, KP, Strauss, Prior...oh fuck it! Need we go over the list again and again? Relatives of the Poms. There, that covers it.
I want them there, I need them there. To boo Dale. Boo him till his shittiness is drilled into his head. Why? Because of Mitchell Johnson at the Ashes that's why.
He got written about, booed at, made fun of, abused at Lords. After which he was fanfuckingtastic in the fourth test. He wanted to shut the world up and the Barmy Army instigated that. They were there in SA's tour of England last year, where Dale ripped through the Poms batting. It may have also been because he was in form then, but I firmly believe the Army helped.
I want the Barmy Army to call Dale a chipmunk with peanut brains.
I want them to tell Dale his grand kids have disowned him.
I want them to dress up as Dave Warner in a bunny costume and imply that the only reason Dale takes his wicket is because he has an amorous relationship with him.
Then I want to watch Dale do this:
So come on Barmy Army! Put your thinking caps on and boo Dale! Chop chop!
I want them there, I need them there. To boo Dale. Boo him till his shittiness is drilled into his head. Why? Because of Mitchell Johnson at the Ashes that's why.
He got written about, booed at, made fun of, abused at Lords. After which he was fanfuckingtastic in the fourth test. He wanted to shut the world up and the Barmy Army instigated that. They were there in SA's tour of England last year, where Dale ripped through the Poms batting. It may have also been because he was in form then, but I firmly believe the Army helped.
I want the Barmy Army to call Dale a chipmunk with peanut brains.
I want them to tell Dale his grand kids have disowned him.
I want them to dress up as Dave Warner in a bunny costume and imply that the only reason Dale takes his wicket is because he has an amorous relationship with him.
Then I want to watch Dale do this:
So come on Barmy Army! Put your thinking caps on and boo Dale! Chop chop!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Just a thought
How do you feel about fast bowlers scoring half centuries? Mohammad Aamer is currently trying to save Pakistan from losing the series against New Zealand. Actually he might have already guided them towards victory. Pakistan needs 38 off 36 balls and the Kiwis need only one wicket. It's extremely stupid on New Zealand's part considering they had the Pakistanis nine down about 80 odd runs ago. But Aamer the fast bowler came out of nowhere and hit Dan for consecutive sixes. It makes my heart bleed, but this post is about fast bowlers. And I am the master of avoiding topics I don't like discussing.
Praveen Kumar of India is also a hard-hitting, game winning batsman. Or has been in the recent past. Makhaya Ntini played a heroic innings in the last test match again Oz in Ozland, that nearly won the game for South Africa. He didn't score a 50, but it was a decent knock. Mitchell Johnson almost got a century against the Saffers, Stuart Broad ... *cough, gag, cough*
Sorry, I nearly choked and died. But yes, the individual whose name I do not wish to utter did put in a decent knock to try and save the 4th Ashes test. Although, he used to be a batsman apparently. Anyway, I'm sure there are loads of other names that I am missing but that is a pretty impressive list of pacers who can bat.
It's tough being a fast bowler. Cricket is a game that favour batsmen most of the time. Plus, they don't last as longer, pick up more injuries and don't always get the recognition they deserve when a match is won. On top of that, they have to pick up the slack of their batsmen too? I mean it's great that fast bowlers these days can bat, but really, do they need the pressure? Why can't the batsmen do their job properly? Do you see batsmen bowling fast and short when the bowlers are down? No. Because they can't. When bowlers play like crap, the team usually loses and they become liable.
Oh yay! New Zealand just won. But Mohammad Aamer remains unbeaten at 73. Way to go kid. Just don't be surprised if all your batsmen go to sleep from now on.
Praveen Kumar of India is also a hard-hitting, game winning batsman. Or has been in the recent past. Makhaya Ntini played a heroic innings in the last test match again Oz in Ozland, that nearly won the game for South Africa. He didn't score a 50, but it was a decent knock. Mitchell Johnson almost got a century against the Saffers, Stuart Broad ... *cough, gag, cough*
Sorry, I nearly choked and died. But yes, the individual whose name I do not wish to utter did put in a decent knock to try and save the 4th Ashes test. Although, he used to be a batsman apparently. Anyway, I'm sure there are loads of other names that I am missing but that is a pretty impressive list of pacers who can bat.
It's tough being a fast bowler. Cricket is a game that favour batsmen most of the time. Plus, they don't last as longer, pick up more injuries and don't always get the recognition they deserve when a match is won. On top of that, they have to pick up the slack of their batsmen too? I mean it's great that fast bowlers these days can bat, but really, do they need the pressure? Why can't the batsmen do their job properly? Do you see batsmen bowling fast and short when the bowlers are down? No. Because they can't. When bowlers play like crap, the team usually loses and they become liable.
Oh yay! New Zealand just won. But Mohammad Aamer remains unbeaten at 73. Way to go kid. Just don't be surprised if all your batsmen go to sleep from now on.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The old Indian team is back
Highest scorer: Sachin- 175
Second highest scorer: Raina- 59
Third highest scorer: Sehwag- 38
Everybody else just visited Sachin to remind him that he is India's saviour. A job he took pretty seriously, till he decided McKay should get a prized wicket on his debut. What was up with that shot? Did McKay seriously fool him with his slow ball? On a night where Sachin Tendulkar was nearly invincible, some new comer faked him and got his wicket. After which the Indians suddenly remembered their old ways ("Sachin is not on the field mommy, I don't want to play!") and collapsed beautifully. I can already hear the ladies knocking on McKay's door.
India might as well wear yellow at the next game. They seem to love playing for Australia. Although, I thought Ricky was actually giving India a hand when he gave the last over to Shane Watson. I got all excited for the full tosses, but he didn't crumble under pressure. I'm sad that Watto is actually living up to his potential these days. I am running out of players to laugh at. Wait, I still have the English. And Mitchell Johnson. I like him, I really do. But an opporunity to laugh at the bowling figures of Oz's future spearhead AND ICC Player of the Year, is not something I'm going to let pass.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Second highest scorer: Raina- 59
Third highest scorer: Sehwag- 38
Everybody else just visited Sachin to remind him that he is India's saviour. A job he took pretty seriously, till he decided McKay should get a prized wicket on his debut. What was up with that shot? Did McKay seriously fool him with his slow ball? On a night where Sachin Tendulkar was nearly invincible, some new comer faked him and got his wicket. After which the Indians suddenly remembered their old ways ("Sachin is not on the field mommy, I don't want to play!") and collapsed beautifully. I can already hear the ladies knocking on McKay's door.
India might as well wear yellow at the next game. They seem to love playing for Australia. Although, I thought Ricky was actually giving India a hand when he gave the last over to Shane Watson. I got all excited for the full tosses, but he didn't crumble under pressure. I'm sad that Watto is actually living up to his potential these days. I am running out of players to laugh at. Wait, I still have the English. And Mitchell Johnson. I like him, I really do. But an opporunity to laugh at the bowling figures of Oz's future spearhead AND ICC Player of the Year, is not something I'm going to let pass.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!Friday, October 30, 2009
Brett Lee-the new Shane Watson
I was wondering why no one had commented on Shane Watson still being fit. Then I realized that it's because Brett Lee has been fulfilling Watto's quota by picking up an injury every few months. So it's not really Watto's injuries that we find funny, any blond crooner with a guitar will do.
On a more serious note, which face did Ricky make when he learned about Brett's injury during a crucial series...yet again! (I stole this idea from Sidthegnomenator as is customary in this blog. I don't even wait for inspiration, just some good old fashioned 'plagiarism'.)
There is Ricky's ''pretend you are thinking while cussing Lee and his ancestors out" face. This comes up every time Lee is hit for a six. Or maybe he is actually humming a song by Six and Out.
Then there is Ricky's "Binga, you are too old for this shit" face. Presumably used every time Lee pretties up his hair.
We also have Ricky's "I don't care because I have Witchy Mitchy" face. After some deliberation I have come to the conclusion it's because Binga flies on his own, while Mitchy flies with Ricky.
R Kelly would be proud
But Ricky still loves Mitch more
Finally, we have Ricky's "whatev" face. He has been hearing this story with Brett since last summer. He has to have perfected a check on his emotions by now!
Okay maybe not.
On the real serious note, is this really the cricket that's causing all these injuries? Lee has been playing/training non-stop since the beginning of the year. Every team is complaining about too much cricket. Then again, AB picked up an injury in the Champions Trophy and he hasn't played since April. Also, Ricky is just fine. And dare I say it...footballers play throughout the year without any significant breaks. They don't pick up injuries left and right!
I don't know what's going on. But just for personal satisfaction, I am going to blame it all on Lalit Modi. There, mystery solved.
On a more serious note, which face did Ricky make when he learned about Brett's injury during a crucial series...yet again! (I stole this idea from Sidthegnomenator as is customary in this blog. I don't even wait for inspiration, just some good old fashioned 'plagiarism'.)
There is Ricky's ''pretend you are thinking while cussing Lee and his ancestors out" face. This comes up every time Lee is hit for a six. Or maybe he is actually humming a song by Six and Out.
Then there is Ricky's "Binga, you are too old for this shit" face. Presumably used every time Lee pretties up his hair.
We also have Ricky's "I don't care because I have Witchy Mitchy" face. After some deliberation I have come to the conclusion it's because Binga flies on his own, while Mitchy flies with Ricky.
R Kelly would be proud
But Ricky still loves Mitch moreFinally, we have Ricky's "whatev" face. He has been hearing this story with Brett since last summer. He has to have perfected a check on his emotions by now!
Okay maybe not.
On the real serious note, is this really the cricket that's causing all these injuries? Lee has been playing/training non-stop since the beginning of the year. Every team is complaining about too much cricket. Then again, AB picked up an injury in the Champions Trophy and he hasn't played since April. Also, Ricky is just fine. And dare I say it...footballers play throughout the year without any significant breaks. They don't pick up injuries left and right!
I don't know what's going on. But just for personal satisfaction, I am going to blame it all on Lalit Modi. There, mystery solved.
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