In honour of Clarke's come back after the 'toughest' week of his life..
release, bounce, Lara's face, hit
release, bounce, Lara's voice, smack it out of the grounds
release, bounce, Lara's 6" stiletto heels, block it hard so it ricochets into her
release, bounce, Lara's Aston Martin, cut it to half...hopefully with her in it
release bounce, Lara's nude picture, trod all over it..hard..harder...c'mon Clarkey you can do better...to reach the century!
Take a bow Michael Clarke.
Disclaimer: I am not saying Clarkey is a wife-beater...Lara's just always been his inspiration.
Showing posts with label Lara Bingle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lara Bingle. Show all posts
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
It's all relative
One day as Mascaraman stood in front of the mirror applying makeup to his eyeballs to make it as pretty as his lashes, he had heard voices. A distant whisper, in a Goochie-like voice...
"Alastair...you can bowl".
So the next day he bowled. He presumed it was a bit like throwing water balloons at people. And he had plenty of experience in that department thanks to the lovely pajama parties hosted by Ms. Stuart. He conceded 111 runs in 5 overs. 111. Straight and symmetrical. Just like his mascara brush.
Offended that a worse bowler has emerged, Mitchell Johnson quickly moved to grab the spotlight. Except he kind of forgot to grab his own brain when running out the door and tried to borrow Scott Styris'. When Scott wouldn't give it to him, Mitchy went upto the brain and started calling it in a strange language, to get it to jump out. Mitchy huffed and he puffed, but it didn't budge. Then he tried banging it with his head. Bang, bang, bang...went Mitchy.
So great was the effect of Mitchy's banging that even Butt heard it over at Pakistan. Only the air particles and infinite sound waves floating around between New Zealand and Pakistan created a chinese whisper effect and the words reached Butt's ear as 'ban, ban, ban'. Next day, any Pakistani player who had dared to have luscious hair, facial or otherwise, were banned. They said it was about the cricket, but we doubt whether Pakistan actually plays cricket or shows up once in a while to make the world interesting. Regardless, you are now punishable by law for having hair.
Which is why Dan the man got rid of his beard and in the process brought back the frown lines on Ricky Ponting's monkey face when he decided to once again, defeat the opposition all by himself. Methinks Daniel is a bit of a loner, and that is kind of a problem because this ain't tennis. Or the French football team. But it is also true that his team frequently abandons him in their quest for zesty chicken now that KFC is their official sponsor. But not Dan. Dan can't be swayed by them birds.
Chicken talk inevitably leads to the dashing Bangladeshi captain. No, the real one. The one who has given up playing altogether for unknown reasons. Mashrafe Mortaza is missing. Nobody knows why. Please find him. His team got our hopes high for a brief period (you think we have learnt our lessons by now) and his deputy took atrocious captaining to a new level. Neither the good nor the bad had anything to do with him, but according to Shakib the old Mashrafe has disappeared and the new one is no good.
Maybe the old one has gone for a walk with Lara Bingle, who, after showing too much, has also disappeared. Before that however, she made her beloved fly back home...only to end things. These are times when I am in full support of phone break ups. Think of all the paper that we would have saved had Clarke not flown back and the media not gone crazy. And think of all the paper they will be using when Clarke gets into another relationship and the papparazzi tries to get a statement from Bingle. I don't give a shit about the matter of their hearts, I just want the trees saved.
In extension, while you are saving trees, it is a reasonably good idea to save the Zimbabwean cricket team. A team that can beat West Indies with Chris Gayle playing is a team that deserves to be showered in Gayle's sunglasses and have Gayle serve them. At least for a night. Please can people play Zimbabwe more often?
Maybe we should have a team called the Zimbabwean Chris Gayle Beaters in IPL 4. I will get Bouch to twit his Modiness.
"Alastair...you can bowl".
So the next day he bowled. He presumed it was a bit like throwing water balloons at people. And he had plenty of experience in that department thanks to the lovely pajama parties hosted by Ms. Stuart. He conceded 111 runs in 5 overs. 111. Straight and symmetrical. Just like his mascara brush.
Offended that a worse bowler has emerged, Mitchell Johnson quickly moved to grab the spotlight. Except he kind of forgot to grab his own brain when running out the door and tried to borrow Scott Styris'. When Scott wouldn't give it to him, Mitchy went upto the brain and started calling it in a strange language, to get it to jump out. Mitchy huffed and he puffed, but it didn't budge. Then he tried banging it with his head. Bang, bang, bang...went Mitchy.
So great was the effect of Mitchy's banging that even Butt heard it over at Pakistan. Only the air particles and infinite sound waves floating around between New Zealand and Pakistan created a chinese whisper effect and the words reached Butt's ear as 'ban, ban, ban'. Next day, any Pakistani player who had dared to have luscious hair, facial or otherwise, were banned. They said it was about the cricket, but we doubt whether Pakistan actually plays cricket or shows up once in a while to make the world interesting. Regardless, you are now punishable by law for having hair.
Which is why Dan the man got rid of his beard and in the process brought back the frown lines on Ricky Ponting's monkey face when he decided to once again, defeat the opposition all by himself. Methinks Daniel is a bit of a loner, and that is kind of a problem because this ain't tennis. Or the French football team. But it is also true that his team frequently abandons him in their quest for zesty chicken now that KFC is their official sponsor. But not Dan. Dan can't be swayed by them birds.
Chicken talk inevitably leads to the dashing Bangladeshi captain. No, the real one. The one who has given up playing altogether for unknown reasons. Mashrafe Mortaza is missing. Nobody knows why. Please find him. His team got our hopes high for a brief period (you think we have learnt our lessons by now) and his deputy took atrocious captaining to a new level. Neither the good nor the bad had anything to do with him, but according to Shakib the old Mashrafe has disappeared and the new one is no good.
Maybe the old one has gone for a walk with Lara Bingle, who, after showing too much, has also disappeared. Before that however, she made her beloved fly back home...only to end things. These are times when I am in full support of phone break ups. Think of all the paper that we would have saved had Clarke not flown back and the media not gone crazy. And think of all the paper they will be using when Clarke gets into another relationship and the papparazzi tries to get a statement from Bingle. I don't give a shit about the matter of their hearts, I just want the trees saved.
In extension, while you are saving trees, it is a reasonably good idea to save the Zimbabwean cricket team. A team that can beat West Indies with Chris Gayle playing is a team that deserves to be showered in Gayle's sunglasses and have Gayle serve them. At least for a night. Please can people play Zimbabwe more often?
Maybe we should have a team called the Zimbabwean Chris Gayle Beaters in IPL 4. I will get Bouch to twit his Modiness.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Kallis vs Ponting
I do love good news on the very first day of the year. It's even better when it's bound to piss more than a few people off. The news is that in the last ten years, Jakes has a higher test average than Ponting. The difference is marginal (Jakes: 58.70, Ricky: 58.38) and Jakes actually has about 800 runs less than Ricky. Regardless, I could spend my whole day picturing Jakes detractors banging their head against the wall. Because you know, Jakes' specialty lies in occupying the crease for eternity, rather than scoring runs. Yet the bastard managed to top the averages. *bang bang bang bang bang*
So is Jakes a better batsman than Ricky? It's hard to say. Statistics put the two neck to neck. And these two would be the first to tell you that they are not 'stats men' (*eyes rolled to the back of the head*). Stats themselves can be debated in many ways. So we could sit here and analyze the numbers or start an alternative test of our own to decide who rules, once and for all. I opt for the latter.
Category: Style
Evidence:
Ricky Ponting wears makeup, while Jakes wears girly colours. Jakes may be slightly more creative with his jacket but Ricky seems to be the one on fire. So this one goes to Ricky Ponting, for having nailed the 'Paine is our idol' look at the wrong age. Jakes' version of Mary Poppins is just not on.
Category: Character
Evidence:
Ricky has many faces. For a comprehensive list, you can go here and here but Jakes frequently looks like that, with our without sunglasses. Although Ricky and his wide range of expressions are highly entertaining Jakes has the ability to spring an emotion when least expected.
Note, that is Jakes subtly copying Ricky. So this one goes to Jakes, for always managing to surprise us, pleasantly or unpleasantly. The score is now 1-1.
Catergory: Patience
Evidence: Contrary to what you may be thinking, this is not about crease occupation and therefore the test is not designed to ensure that Jakes win. This is about how patient each of them are based on the people they have to interact with.
Jakes has to wake up in the morning to see Biff's fat face and listen to Ntini be cheerful despite having woeful figures. Of course there's AB singing a few notes of his own songs here and there and Neil McKenzie shows up to put up the toilet seat while Jakes is on it, because he has to go out to bat.
The first face Ricky gets to see in the morning is his own. He then has to spend the rest of the day with Shane Watson's bare chest and girly shrieks, report to Mitchy's mom over the phone, say good things about Tim and Moises and last but not least, approve Pup's Bond undies. Sometimes, he even has to sit at the same dinner table with Lara Bingle.
I think we can safely say that this one goes to Ricky. They were going even, till I realized Pup likes to catch things with his undies. I applaud your patience Ricky.
Oh, so is Ricky the better batsman? Fine. Jakes will take the higher average. For now anyway.
So is Jakes a better batsman than Ricky? It's hard to say. Statistics put the two neck to neck. And these two would be the first to tell you that they are not 'stats men' (*eyes rolled to the back of the head*). Stats themselves can be debated in many ways. So we could sit here and analyze the numbers or start an alternative test of our own to decide who rules, once and for all. I opt for the latter.
Category: Style
Evidence:
Ricky Ponting wears makeup, while Jakes wears girly colours. Jakes may be slightly more creative with his jacket but Ricky seems to be the one on fire. So this one goes to Ricky Ponting, for having nailed the 'Paine is our idol' look at the wrong age. Jakes' version of Mary Poppins is just not on.
Category: Character
Evidence:
Ricky has many faces. For a comprehensive list, you can go here and here but Jakes frequently looks like that, with our without sunglasses. Although Ricky and his wide range of expressions are highly entertaining Jakes has the ability to spring an emotion when least expected.
Note, that is Jakes subtly copying Ricky. So this one goes to Jakes, for always managing to surprise us, pleasantly or unpleasantly. The score is now 1-1.
Catergory: Patience
Evidence: Contrary to what you may be thinking, this is not about crease occupation and therefore the test is not designed to ensure that Jakes win. This is about how patient each of them are based on the people they have to interact with.
Jakes has to wake up in the morning to see Biff's fat face and listen to Ntini be cheerful despite having woeful figures. Of course there's AB singing a few notes of his own songs here and there and Neil McKenzie shows up to put up the toilet seat while Jakes is on it, because he has to go out to bat.
The first face Ricky gets to see in the morning is his own. He then has to spend the rest of the day with Shane Watson's bare chest and girly shrieks, report to Mitchy's mom over the phone, say good things about Tim and Moises and last but not least, approve Pup's Bond undies. Sometimes, he even has to sit at the same dinner table with Lara Bingle.
I think we can safely say that this one goes to Ricky. They were going even, till I realized Pup likes to catch things with his undies. I applaud your patience Ricky.
Oh, so is Ricky the better batsman? Fine. Jakes will take the higher average. For now anyway.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Rushed
Sorry, another busy day is upon me. I did get a chance to browse through a wide array of cricket news for a few minutes though, so I'm leaving you with my amalgam of random cricket thoughts.
1) AB de Villiers thinks the series is like two heavyweight boxers going at each other. I got a shocking image of Stuart Broad in his Barbie outfit being chased around the ring by mini, adopted, son ROFL. Of course ROFL's alien is screaming obscenities at him and Broad is trying to offer him tea from his very own kitchen as a peace offering.
2) Michael Clarke and Lara Bingle may have split...or not. Apparently, Lara's young ways is creating problems between the two. Really? And here I was thinking 22 is the perfect age to settle down with a guy whose career you have absolutely no interest in. What a bunch of funny idiots these celebrity-types are! Also quite hilarious is this picture, where Lara has a net on her head and Clarke is looking very much like those dolls that cry out 'Mama' when you squish them.
Boy toy
1) AB de Villiers thinks the series is like two heavyweight boxers going at each other. I got a shocking image of Stuart Broad in his Barbie outfit being chased around the ring by mini, adopted, son ROFL. Of course ROFL's alien is screaming obscenities at him and Broad is trying to offer him tea from his very own kitchen as a peace offering.
2) Michael Clarke and Lara Bingle may have split...or not. Apparently, Lara's young ways is creating problems between the two. Really? And here I was thinking 22 is the perfect age to settle down with a guy whose career you have absolutely no interest in. What a bunch of funny idiots these celebrity-types are! Also quite hilarious is this picture, where Lara has a net on her head and Clarke is looking very much like those dolls that cry out 'Mama' when you squish them.
Boy toy3) Dilshan continues to remain the lone Lankan assassin, with a little help from Angelo Mathews this time. However, the most interesting fact is that the Indian spinners picked up most of the wickets...on an Indian pitch. Surely, ICC will come knocking on BCCI's door soon?
I am bracing myself for some much needed drama. Forget about AB's diary entries and Clarke's relationship problems. The always giving ICC and BCCI will embark on their soap opera soon. Keep your remotes handy children.
I am bracing myself for some much needed drama. Forget about AB's diary entries and Clarke's relationship problems. The always giving ICC and BCCI will embark on their soap opera soon. Keep your remotes handy children.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Merv's Moustache
This is the story of one man and his moustache and how the shaggy hair on his upper lips guided him through all the tough selections.
Ashes 09, 5th Test
Merv: Tell me oh shaggy one, do I pick four seamers or put a spinner there?
Moustache: I say, it looks like the pitch will turn later. Blimey! This is a tough one, innit?
Merv: I think we should let Nathan play mate. After all, he did shockingly take wickets this series and surprise everyone by establishing himself as a spinner...more or else.
Moustache: Bollocks! We'll go with four seamers. Get Stuart Clark in.
Merv: He was kind of shit in the second innings of the 4th test though and the pitch seems to be better suited for spinners...
Moustache: Don't be a twat! Clark in, Hauritz out. I like them pacers. They make me twitch. If they blame you just say you misread the pitch. And make Punter say the same. Otherwise I'll boo him.
Merv: But..
Moustache: The 'tache has spoken.
India vs Australia, 2009
Merv: Shaggy one, we have a long injury list...
Moustache: Moises and Clint are going to replace them, yaar!
Merv: But the injured are...
Moustache: I don't need to know. I'm saying Moises and Clint will play, baas, they will play.
Merv: The problem is, even I don't know who McKay is and Moises seems to like getting whacked by batsmen. Stuart Clark on the other hand...or even Dirk Nannes...
Moustache: Clark lost us the Ashes my friend. And Dirk is also a Victorian. Selecting him and McKay is the same thing. No more discussions. The 'tache has spoken.
West Indies vs Australia, 2009
Moustache: Is Chris Gayle coming, mon?
Merv: We don't know yet mate.
Moustache: We open the bowling with Andrew McDonald and Shane Watson is to bowl the death overs. Give the rest of the boys some time off. The WAGS can play instead.
Merv: I don't think the WAGS know how to play.
Moustache: Bubu! They have been with the boys long enough to know how to play. Don't question my judgement, mon! And make Lara Bingle the captain. The 'tache has spoken.
If you haven't figured it out by now, the 'tache has been playing for the other teams all along. Just like the Australian selectors.
Ashes 09, 5th Test
Merv: Tell me oh shaggy one, do I pick four seamers or put a spinner there?
Moustache: I say, it looks like the pitch will turn later. Blimey! This is a tough one, innit?
Merv: I think we should let Nathan play mate. After all, he did shockingly take wickets this series and surprise everyone by establishing himself as a spinner...more or else.
Moustache: Bollocks! We'll go with four seamers. Get Stuart Clark in.
Merv: He was kind of shit in the second innings of the 4th test though and the pitch seems to be better suited for spinners...
Moustache: Don't be a twat! Clark in, Hauritz out. I like them pacers. They make me twitch. If they blame you just say you misread the pitch. And make Punter say the same. Otherwise I'll boo him.
Merv: But..
Moustache: The 'tache has spoken.
India vs Australia, 2009
Merv: Shaggy one, we have a long injury list...
Moustache: Moises and Clint are going to replace them, yaar!
Merv: But the injured are...
Moustache: I don't need to know. I'm saying Moises and Clint will play, baas, they will play.
Merv: The problem is, even I don't know who McKay is and Moises seems to like getting whacked by batsmen. Stuart Clark on the other hand...or even Dirk Nannes...
Moustache: Clark lost us the Ashes my friend. And Dirk is also a Victorian. Selecting him and McKay is the same thing. No more discussions. The 'tache has spoken.
West Indies vs Australia, 2009
Moustache: Is Chris Gayle coming, mon?
Merv: We don't know yet mate.
Moustache: We open the bowling with Andrew McDonald and Shane Watson is to bowl the death overs. Give the rest of the boys some time off. The WAGS can play instead.
Merv: I don't think the WAGS know how to play.
Moustache: Bubu! They have been with the boys long enough to know how to play. Don't question my judgement, mon! And make Lara Bingle the captain. The 'tache has spoken.
If you haven't figured it out by now, the 'tache has been playing for the other teams all along. Just like the Australian selectors.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Bingles announce a wedding date
Settle down. The subject was just to make his female fans cry. They haven't announced anything, but they will soon because apparently Clarke is interested to play in the IPL next season.
His official statement says it's because he is the new Aussie T20 captain and wants to get experience for his country and the timing is just right, with the 'huge' T20 World Cup coming up. Sure, we'll buy that. Till you announce your sickeningly expensive wedding to the Vampire Queen.
Sources say this is why Michael needed to be injured...
I've just had a random thought. Are there any cricket couples that we like? I don't mind Tricia and Shaun Pollock but that's only because they were never all over the place. And Shaun is retired now, so we don't get to see either of them often. But I really can't think of anybody else. How can that be? There must be some that don't make us wish murder was legal! Someone? Anyone?
His official statement says it's because he is the new Aussie T20 captain and wants to get experience for his country and the timing is just right, with the 'huge' T20 World Cup coming up. Sure, we'll buy that. Till you announce your sickeningly expensive wedding to the Vampire Queen.
Sources say this is why Michael needed to be injured...I've just had a random thought. Are there any cricket couples that we like? I don't mind Tricia and Shaun Pollock but that's only because they were never all over the place. And Shaun is retired now, so we don't get to see either of them often. But I really can't think of anybody else. How can that be? There must be some that don't make us wish murder was legal! Someone? Anyone?
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