New background

I made a new background and I am quite proud of it. But stupid blogger won't let you see it in all it's glory. So here it is.

It's pretty amateur, I know. But please like it and tell the world how good I am at cutting and pasting pictures on paint.

What a break does to you

Pictures courtesy of Cricket South Africa:

Can't...run..too..much..beer

Methinks a liposuction is in order 

You are a friggin' FAST BOWLER!

Err, missed him much Hash?

See, I wasn't completely on crack when I insisted that they should play ALL THE TIME! 

And yes Maky is back. As is Justin Kemp. At least for the training.

Oh Maky, you're so fine...

For those of you who don't know, Makhaya Ntini is currently playing for Kent. For those of you who do know, know how late I am in typing this up. But it's better late than never. A phrase Ntini's fans are saying right now, after his tremendous 10 wicket haul in a game that won the match for Kent. Against Durham too, who are currently the Champions in county cricket. A few months ago everybody thought Ntini's career is over.

Better late than never Maky, better late than never.

I had the misfortune of only being able to watch it on ECB's crappier than crap videos, from one angle, but it still looked pretty good. Durham are first divison after all plus this will do wonders for the man's confidence. Now the question is, should Makhaya be given his test spot back?

It's not happening against the West Indies. As far as I know, the squad for that has been selected already. Plus they have Ryan McLaren and hopefully Wayne Parnell, who really should try and grow some extra veins and capillaries or something so he can get better FASTER. Lopsy apparently has also been kept for the tests. Don't ask me why.

The next test they play is against India in December and afterwards theyleave for the World Cup. Makhaya will be almost 34 by then.

Is it worth it to give Makhaya a shot in one or two tests only before he retires?

You tell me. I personally would love to see him back but recognize that it is probably taking away another younger player's time and opportunity. Hasn't Maky lived his glory days already? The guy is the second highest wicket taker in County Cricket this season already. Sure it's a step down from international cricket but it's still cricket isn't it? Dale Benkenstein (yes, he is alive!), plays for Durham now. When was the last time he played international cricket? He is doing just fine.

Of course comparing Benkenstein to Ntini is utter stupidity. The man is nowhere near the fast bowling legend. But I am really confused and I seriously want to know where we draw the line with a legend, if we were to take out favouritism, personal wishes, political agendas and basic misleading hopes and dreams out of the equation.

Is it time to say goodbye to Makhaya? Kent will gladly keep him, plus he is one of the brand ambassadors of FIFA 2010 so don't feel too bad for him. He has plenty to do and plenty of teams that still want him. He just doesn't fit in with the Proteas anymore.

The plot thickens

Mike Procter and his merry men have been sacked. I want to do a little dance but it's really late here. Maybe tomorrow.

I am happy about the fact that Procter is gone. He is the fucking idiot that dropped Morne in the beginning of the season and kept Makhaya for the second test. Or was it CSA's quota policy that he was following? Something tells me we will never know.

Or maybe we will, if the interim selection panel magically brings Makhaya back in the squad. In which case who do we talk to to fire Gerald Majola? It might not happen, but it's good to keep a back up plan for everything. And a backup-backup plan. Meaning if there is nobody who can fire Majola we will need to kidnap Makhaya and send him off to Brazil. For his own good.

A part of me thinks they were fired for KEEPING Makhaya in the second test. That move had fucking politics written all over it. Then of course the utterly nonsense decisions to exclude Wayne Parnell and Morne Morkel from the ODI's against England, not picking Alviro Petersen or Loots Bosman for the Champions Trophy when Hersch was injured (weren't you surprised when these two came out of nowhere against England and did well?), the injustice done with Friedel de Wet etc.

What I don't understand is why everyone is so upset about this. Have you people not realized the Saffers were becoming so predictable a toddler could crawl all over them? Or are you still thinking about 2008? Hello, this is 2010. There was a year in between where the Saffers were T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E. And their strategy still sucks in the ODIs. Arthur, Procter and the gang had their contracts till the 2011 World Cup. If they hadn't been sacked now, that would have been another disastrous campaign.

They would have lost/drawn in India with or without Mickey and his safe tactics. It's not so bad. Trust me.

T4D4: Morne, draw and some more fridge

I have an important question: what is the exact definition of infidelity? If I have Morne's babies and keep on thinking about Dale the whole time, does it make me an infidel? Because I need to have Morne's babies now. It's not even a wish, a dire need, not for me but for South African cricket. If I have 4 kids with Dale and 4 with Morne, that's four generations of dangerous opening bowlers for the Saffers. One or two of them might even blog badly. Regardless, We don't have to cry for the Donald-Pollock days, EVER. So is infidelity really bad when it's for the greater good?

Other than the fact that the Morne-Steyn combo has finally arrived after a long, long wait for Saffa fans (since Allan's retirement to be exact) another piece of history has been made in this fourth test. It rained...AND THE SAFFERS STILL WON! Bet you didn't realize that eh? 

I am slightly sad that this series is over but so god damn relieved that the Saffers levelled! However, I don't think they should be all that happy. They drew. Against England. At home. They should have fucked up the Pommies so bad they would never ever have wanted to return to Saffaland. Instead fucking England proved to be a resilient side. I think it's the South African tea. I'll say it. England... played... well... FUCKERS!

Of course some very dodgy selection decisions and Paul Harris helped. Paul, as much as I like you...fuck you! Just a little. You are South African after all.

Ryan can bat and JP can spin. So what happens to Paul now? Actually what happens to JP? He can get wickets yes, but tiny man...you...ARE A BATSMAN! At least that's what we thought! There's some talk about him being an all-rounder. Umm...NO. Failing with one and doing well with another in a test does not make him an all-rounder. Jakes seriously needs to put that definition on a t-shirt and wear it.

All-rounder: JACQUES FUCKING KALLIS. Dumbasses.

Graeme Swann and Bouchie-the man won man of the series. I thought Paul Collingwood deserved it more than Swannyg66. This is not spurred by my dislike for Swann. Think about it. Had Colly's innings not moved at the pace of a turtle at Centurion and Cape Town, there would have been ample time to get that fucker Onions. Even with Makhaya bowling.

Speaking of Makhaya, his fridge seems to have given birth to three more. CSA didn't want to pay for their food and electricity, so gave them to Jakes, Ashy P and Bouch. Ashy P is going to use it to freeze his brain some more.

Lastly, Andrew Strauss got booed for talking about the frustration with the review system. Ricky Ponting is buying the Wanderers crowd beer. Cheers guys!

Don't be sad Makhaya

Now that it has finally happened, thank fucking god, I can freely show Makhaya some love. No hard feelings Maky. But keeping you in the team after that performance would have been controversial causing you endless stress and pressure, which you wouldn't have to lived up to. That would have caused you even more misery. So this really is for the better. See, I am always thinking of you.

But fear not, I have found alternative ways for you to contribute to a Saffa win. Ready?

1) Give the Poms food poisoning

I believe that shit is raw and giving it to Strauss would result in lots of salmonella babies multiplying in his intestines. Won't that be something? Seeing as Strauss is desperate to overturn history, he can do it by being the world's largest in vivo bacteria breeding site.

2) Tell them they are going to Hogwarts

And present them all with eco-friendly brooms. Eleven Pommies trying to lift off the ground in robes and pointy hats on some green stick. That's a best seller right there. Of course to put it in the all time best list, Tim Bresnan has to be included. Halfway through the book, his stick will go on strike and demand that Bresnan lose weight. Stick, strike...geddit? I hope J.K. Rowling's reading this.

3) Stroke KP like a cat

Or hold him close to your bosom to convince him Saffers still love him.
"KP come back, we miss you. Jakes is fucking around."
Then when he comes back give him a wedgy, an atomic one.

See, you don't need to be on the field with a ball to help the Saffers. The opportunities are all around you my friend, you just have to grab it.

Ooh, the cricket is about to start.

Kallis vs Ponting

I do love good news on the very first day of the year. It's even better when it's bound to piss more than a few people off. The news is that in the last ten years, Jakes has a higher test average than Ponting. The difference is marginal (Jakes: 58.70, Ricky: 58.38) and Jakes actually has about 800 runs less than Ricky. Regardless, I could spend my whole day picturing Jakes detractors banging their head against the wall. Because you know, Jakes' specialty lies in occupying the crease for eternity, rather than scoring runs. Yet the bastard managed to top the averages. *bang bang bang bang bang*

So is Jakes a better batsman than Ricky? It's hard to say. Statistics put the two neck to neck. And these two would be the first to tell you that they are not 'stats men' (*eyes rolled to the back of the head*). Stats themselves can be debated in many ways. So we could sit here and analyze the numbers or start an alternative test of our own to decide who rules, once and for all. I opt for the latter.

Category: Style
Evidence:

Ricky Ponting wears makeup, while Jakes wears girly colours. Jakes may be slightly more creative with his jacket but Ricky seems to be the one on fire. So this one goes to Ricky Ponting, for having nailed the 'Paine is our idol' look at the wrong age. Jakes' version of Mary Poppins is just not on.

Category: Character
Evidence:

Ricky has many faces. For a comprehensive list, you can go here and here but Jakes frequently looks like that, with our without sunglasses. Although Ricky and his wide range of expressions are highly entertaining Jakes has the ability to spring an emotion when least expected.

Note, that is Jakes subtly copying Ricky. So this one goes to Jakes, for always managing to surprise us, pleasantly or unpleasantly. The score is now 1-1.

Catergory: Patience
Evidence: Contrary to what you may be thinking, this is not about crease occupation and therefore the test is not designed to ensure that Jakes win. This is about how patient each of them are based on the people they have to interact with.

Jakes has to wake up in the morning to see Biff's fat face and listen to Ntini be cheerful despite having woeful figures. Of course there's AB singing a few notes of his own songs here and there and Neil McKenzie shows up to put up the toilet seat while Jakes is on it, because he has to go out to bat.

The first face Ricky gets to see in the morning is his own. He then has to spend the rest of the day with Shane Watson's bare chest and girly shrieks, report to Mitchy's mom over the phone, say good things about Tim and Moises and last but not least, approve Pup's Bond undies. Sometimes, he even has to sit at the same dinner table with Lara Bingle.

I think we can safely say that this one goes to Ricky. They were going even, till I realized Pup likes to catch things with his undies. I applaud your patience Ricky.

Oh, so is Ricky the better batsman? Fine. Jakes will take the higher average. For now anyway.

T2D4: Lend Biff a brain

Can the Saffers get any worse? Apparently they can. And obviously we always have our precious buffalo to lead the crappiness. Morne bowled one fucking spell today. Paul and JP was consistently rubbish and they were consistently played. CONSISTENTLY. What's the fucking point of getting one wicket if the fifteen other balls are pure vomit? JP was so far wide he made a prostitue blush. And Paul was hypnotically drawn to leg stump. The Poms were troubled by neither.

And Biff just stood there. No bowling changes, no fielding changes, just expression changes. I understand all your bowlers are going through a bad patch but FUCK BIFF it is YOUR JOB to bring them out of the shit hole. Not fucking protect them. Give them the ball and tell them to fucking shape up. Put pressure on them, have expectations from them. They are international level bowlers. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PROTECT THEM? Honestly, this is not even a random accusation. Biff seems to think that his job is to stand there and make penguin-like faces. Believe me you fucktard, that's not why they made you captain.

All they had to do was bowl well, not even pick up wickets frequently, like they did in the first innings of the first test. As soon as the new ball came the Pom started playing stupid shots and got themselves out. The bowlers continued to do shit all. Doesn't that show that if they had bowled well since yesterday at one point or the other the Poms would have given up their wicket under pressure? Yes, I believe it does.

Just when things got interesting and Maky started to look a wee bit like his old self, Strauss declared. Clever move, otherwise Makhaya might have chopped Onions' head off. And all he needed was a little collision with Jimmy which denied him a possible catch. Who knew? Next time just push the fucker around and he will rip through the batsmen...hopefully!

I didn't see the Saffers batting and I am not going to watch the highlights. What's the point? I read somewhere that Graeme Swann is now a dangerous bowler. The Aussies and Saffers have fucking made Swannyg66 look like a dangerous bowler. And I am not about to watch a batting performance that makes Broad a bowler and Swann dangerous.

Let's have a bet though. How soon will the game be over tomorrow? Whoever wins will have to give all their money to the Buy Biff a new brain Foundation. I believe Mohammad Ashraful has qualified for the donors' list.

As an afterthought, ABism is a fucking sham. It just makes you wish you had invented the atom bomb instead. My world of perennial haters is much more satisfying I tell you.  

T2D3: Practicing ABism

My brain is in so much grief over yesterday's game that I have now crossed over to the other extreme. Instead of bashing the Saffa bowlers to my heart's content I am practicing ABism i.e. I am being positive about every fucking thing.

So no Dale Steyn, I won't poke and pry into your mouth to try and figure out what sort of bacteria is residing in your brain. You have become fucking useless in a very short period of time, but I won't make a fuss about that. Instead I will dwell over the lovely capabilities that you are hiding in some unreachable part of your body and will it back outside with my positivity.

No Paul Harris, I won't talk about your diligent impression of Dale Steyn despite being more than okay even a few days ago. Instead I will pine for the days when you did not spin the ball but managed to fool the batsmen enough to get their wickets. Or maybe you dazzled them with your hair. No matter how you did it, you did it and it will happen again my friend. Yes it will.

Makhaya I won't say anything about you at all because even ABism cannot sugar-coat your mortifying bowling.

I will dwell on poor Morne instead who had to do the work of three other bowlers and did very well. Unfortunately for us we cannot clone him. We also cannot bowl him for eight continuous hours because then he will break down which means a bowling attack consisting of Dale, Jakes, Makhaya, Paul and JP. Which, as per ABism will be so wonderful that I will have to stuff my face with holiday sweets till I choke and die.

Even with positivity overload I cannot bring myself to acknowledge that Mascaraman now has a century and Ian Bell a half century. That will require a lot of alcohol and drugs and I am already maxed out on foreign objects in my body i.e. positive thoughts. And if I do overdose who will tell you that this a clever plan by the Saffers to keep the two jokers in the team, so real players never get a chance and they continue to disappoint for another forty innings?

'Tis true folks. I may not be ranting today but I would never lie to you.

T2D2: Dale is a batsman now

Which is clearly why he has lost his bowling skills. But let's talk about the batting first. Bouch and AB were excellent in the morning. Almost made up for the horrendous start yesterday. Then Bouch had to go and get out to Swannyg66. URGH! I think someone is punishing me for...I don't know why! I am such a lovely person! Very ready to dislike people/things but I am quite pleasant. No, really.

I bet Poppy Flower has changed his mind about the UDRS. Now, it will become the greatest invention since T20's. So fair, takes the game forward and all that crap. Freaking opportunist!

Okay, Dale's batting. Three sixes off Graeme Swann. That just made me forgive him for all the atrocious bowling over the last couple of months. Of course he got himself back on the hit list during England's innings, but damn he was good to watch. Take that Graham Onions. You block, we smack. Of course not all the time but whatever. Dale can be a very handy lower order batsman when he wants to. As can Ntini because he never gets out. Really, when was the last time Maky wasn't not out? I can't even remember.

Oh, the bowling! Fuck me if it wasn't worse than rubbish. At one point, there was at least one four scored in every over. No matter who was bowling. Obviously if the Saffers lose this they are going to release some silly regret statement over not dropping Makhaya. He was so fucking bad even his biggest supporter Biff (pffft!) didn't want to play him again. Alastair friggin' Cook looked solid against this bowling! There's something so very wrong with that sentence.

Dale was no good. Not horrendous but no good either. Morne bowled 'a' beauty, otherwise he was just about okay. Harris wasn't exceptional. He is never exceptional, he just gets wickets. Which he didn't and now fucking England is 103/1. Clearly they are cruising at this point but tomorrow is a new day. It better be a new day else Mickey and Biff won't be able to sleep at night with all the Friedel lovers planning their assassination.

The best bit of commentary in the whole match was when Biff was showing his nasty legs to Shaun and he said 'It wasn't a pretty sight, those white legs'. Oh Polly! Use cucumbers. They work wonderfully for sore eyes.

Biff's emotional decision

Now that I think about it (actually I knew it then, but did not want to admit it) Biff was utterly stupid in giving Makhaya the last over. Not that it comes as a shock; it is classic Biff. Yep, I am also blaming him for the draw.

As well I should. What the fuck was he thinking? Makhaya had taken 2 wickets in the whole test while de Wet took 5. On top of that he was bowling beautifully. Biff had a problem as you can clearly see. He was deciding between giving Friedel a fifer in his debut test and giving Makhaya a fitting end. That was his reasoning. Over the fact that giving the ball to Friedel would have bettered their chances of winning. Fuckwit? Yes, totally.

Now it seems if Dale is fit for Durban, de Wet will STILL get the chop over Makhaya or Morne because...

Because Makhaya is an out-of-form legend and Morne lets Biff poke his ass.

Morne wasn't sensational, but he was a bit better than Makhaya. When Shaun Pollock had reached that place in test cricket where his wicket-taking abilities were being questioned, there was nobody to replace him. Plus, he could contribute with the bat.

Makhaya can bowl all day. Makhaya is an inspiration. Makhaya has done extraordinary things before. But Makhaya can't take wickets at the moment. And Friedel can.

I did not know emotions were a critical part of selection decisions. You learn something new everyday.

Makhaya's fridge

Maky became the first coloured player in South Africa to play 100 tests. Only 7 fast bowlers and 49 cricketers (out of 2,600) have achieved this feat.

If I were a fast bowler playing in my 100th test I would want ten wickets, a cricket ground named after me or my own team with 11 fast bowlers. I would have to work very hard for the ten wickets, the cricket ground would make me the most hated person and my team would lose to even Canada. But that's what I would have wanted. Over a fridge.

That's right. Maky got a fridge for his sweat, injuries and hard work. Castle Lager hopes he will fill it with their beers I'm sure, which indirectly means their sales go up. What if he has no space in his house for a fridge? What if the fridge completely fucks up his kitchen setting? What if his wife does not want another fridge?

Castle Lager did not think this through. They just found the cheapest thing on sale and got it for him. It doesn't even encompass anything he is. Makhaya is a firing, fast, fierce individual with a rhino forehead and wants to knock every batsman's head off. The fridge is a cooling appliance and just sits there.

Nope, they did not think this through at all. If it were upto me I would give Ntini a jacuzzi where steaming hot water rushes down at great speed and mesmerizes everybody. Or I would just give him the Niagara Falls.

Ndingi Express and Ndingi Falls. Sounds befitting. Ndingi freeze your ass into perfection...not so much. Even Maky agrees:

"I am leaving this behind..."

T1D3: Saffers just want to bat really

I don't know if Graeme Swann and Anderson have been able to offer enough consolation to the Poms so here's my addition. SA's motto in life is to bat. They don't like being out there all at once. They just want to go two at a time (sometimes three if Smith's fat is cutting too deep in his uniform), while the rest are in the dressing room being couch potatoes. It's the only reason England were bowled out in a day. Having said that, I am going to gloat in this post and come off as very condescending because as an SA fan I've had a topsy-turvy year. Plus, Ashy P has already halved my joy. Ashy P needs to find a new team. Suckers XI.

Here comes the gloating. I take all the rubbish I said about Maky back. The over where he got Strauss sent chills down my spine. And of course the actual wicket stunned even Strauss. Not that anybody noticed because they were too busy lining up for their beers. But Maky still has in it him and that is a big fucking relief!

Next up, Paul Harris. This time I didn't see past the..you guessed it, FIVE WICKETS! I am aware of how many runs he gave, but thankfully my brain has perfected the selective memory process when it comes to these things. But I gotta ask, is Harris a good spinner? He keeps it simple and has no mystery balls but he sure gets results. Problem is I don't know if that is going to help him in the long run once people have figured out how to clobber him....Hi Johan!

As I watch the ball-by-ball six hours highlights, I see Friedel de Wet has found another way to make himself noticeable. A strange little hop during his run-up, like a porcupine on drugs. Very entertaining to watch. Specially when England is batting. Honestly, if you thought the Saffa batting innings was like watching your grandmother walk, what will you call the English batting innings? Go on. I am open to suggestions.

Of all the people, the Poms now have to get lessons from Swann on how to bat. So fucking funny! But what I really want to know is how Stuart Broad is feeling about all this. I do worry about his fragile Barbie heart you know. Hopefully his daddy will come and report Swanny for chucking. Wouldn't that work out wonderfully for everyone?

Morne didn't really suck despite picking up just one wicket and bowling six no balls. What the Saffers have managed to do here is keep the pressure on the Poms with some good bowling (most of the time...) even without wickets. Something that fell out of their brains completely during the ODI's. Oh well.

So that's my obnoxious, condescending post. Quite a pathetic attempt really. No worries. My crude, crasp, vulgar side will be back if the Saffers win this.

Finally, what the fuck is up with this pitch and what do you do when you win the toss at Super Sport Park?

P.S: I forgot to add- I am eternally grateful to Bell's parents for having conceived our Samantha.

T1D2: Let Ian Bell bowl

Why not? The Saffers have no intention of winning this, they are fighting for a draw. They are going to bat defensively all day long and tire the English bowlers out. It's not like they can come up with something brilliant without the impatience and the stupidity of the Saffer batsmen anyway (JP, Imma shave your brains...). And it's a brilliant plan okay? They don't have bowlers who can take wickets and three more tests after this. Sure it's fucked that they won't go for the win, but beggars can't be choosers. So it's fine. Even if it works better than your sleeping pill. You never said anything about entertainment! You just wanted to watch Test cricket. So watch and stop whining. Or ask CSA to fly Sulieman Benn in.

Mark Boucher can still bat in tests (how the Aussies will come to bite me in the ass about his 49 now!) and Onions the stinker hit Morne while Barbie went after Harris. Methinks Barbie was upset with Harris' perfect hair. His own has not been doing well lately. What with all the pulling and tearing while he tries to figure out how to pick up wickets on a pitch that does not assist his bowling. But it's okay dear. You are an all-rounder remember? You don't need to pick up wickets all the time. You are just there to assist the real pacers.

That's about it for the Saffers batting. Now onto the bowling. What? Who took five wickets? Sorry, I didn't see beyond the 110 runs. It was fucking brilliant! Out of the 418 Saffers runs, 110 came off Swannyg66. Twitter about that bastard!

"Gave 110 runs to the Saffers today. I wet myself with joy and Jimmy claimed he could wet himself better than me. Join us in our wet off!"

Right, onto the bowling. If you were at the ground watching the match live, AB de Villiers is the reason you didn't get a beer on Makhaya. I was appalled that he dropped that. How could you AB? People need beer. Give them their BEER!

But overall, it wasn't as woeful as I thought it would be. Wet certainly won some hearts by striking first but it was Cook. Even I would have gotten that wicket from here in Canada. However, the match is still even and that's all I'm asking for really.

Parting thought for today is, I like the referral system. Because it has worked for the Saffers so far, even with the Trott decision. It was dubious. There is no objectivity here and I'm sure you didn't even expect it. If it works for South Africa and Bangladesh it's great. If it doesn't,  DOWN WITH IT! Or not. We'll see.

The Makhaya Question

Maky has been everywhere lately, as the first coloured player from South Africa to play in 100 tests. It is a freaking awesome feat and while I am thrilled for him, I am also slightly concerned.

The final XI has not been announced yet and Maky is giving interviews everywhere about how he never dreamt he would be here, about the first time he got his cap etc. Isn't that borderline emotional blackmail?

I would have no problem with that, except Maky has been out of action of eons and he was dropped because he was terrible. Sure, most of it was in the ODI's but if you can't bowl 10 proper overs without getting smacked, how are you going to bowl half a day? And if you are bowling rubbish, you will be hit for boundaries no matter what format you are playing in.

I am scared that the selectors are going to give Maky a game and then not only will he ruin South Africa's chances, he will also fuck up memories of his 100th test because he is out of practice. Like Murali and his last test.

Or is he going to make a quick turn around because this is his 100th test? In which case, what kind of a stupid motivation is that?

Fast bowlers and their form are an epic mystery to me.

Test Squad

South Africa squad: Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, Friedel de Wet, JP Duminy, Paul Harris, Jacques Kallis, Ryan McLaren, Morne Morkel, Makhaya Ntini, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Ashwell Prince, Dale Steyn.

-They are hoping that Jakes is fit for the first test. I am not wasting time on hope. They need Jakes. Everybody needs Jakes, but that's a separate issue. I am ordering someone to donate their ribs to him. For the Proteas. No, not you KP. Settle down.

"But I wuv him!"

Note, that picture also qualifies for the Scandalous posts.

-They have five fast bowlers in the squad now. Dale is pretending to be injured while he comes to terms with his addiction to crap and Mak hasn't played since the last ice age. So these are the backups. The problem is, the backups are kind of inexperienced. *puts one toe down in panic mode*

-No Albie Morkel, but Morne instead. There is a God after all.

-No adopted son ROFL. Didn't really expect him to be there. But still. My life is strangely incomplete without aliens.

-Alviro Peterson is in after making an impression in the ODI's. Very nice. Although I am pretty certain he is just there so Ashwell Prince does not get a chance. Ashy P is the official King of players that get sidelined just for the heck of it.

Prediction: Am not making any. I am not Glenn McGrath. Although I do talk to pigeons.

Thoughtless

Apparently my 200th post was about KP and my 100th one about Champions trophy prizes i.e. mainly Australia. Considering I support the Proteas and England is my least favourite team, this is a bit ironic. Actually it's downright fucked and I really should put more thought into posting. Or I can just laugh at myself and move on...because really, thinking takes too much time.

What I can be bothered to think about is Hersch returning to the team. Any other time I would have said, 'FUCKING YES! Proctor you brainless ass!'. But not this time. I feel like a traitor as I type this, but seriously, I think the selectors are just praying for a miraculous turn around of his form and letting desparation get the better of their rationality.

Yes, Hersch is unpredictable and can blast off anytime...usually the right time. But the Saffer batsmen are more or less in form. They managed a final total of 250 from 155/5. It's their fucking bowlers that have lost their way. And Hersch is not a bowler (he might have some natural ability tucked away somewhere though). If the bowlers keep going like they are now, SA can make 300 and STILL lose. Wickets win matches and evidently, the Saffers don't remember how to take wickets. As usual, Proctor is thinking out of his ass.

So let me do you a favour and think for you Proctor. The names you are looking for are either Makhaya Ntini or Morne Morkel. Not my Hersch.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. But if the Proteas win because the selectors actually called one of the bowlers over Hersch, I'll gladly take that spot in hell. Not that it's already not reserved for me.

Just a thought

How do you feel about fast bowlers scoring half centuries? Mohammad Aamer is currently trying to save Pakistan from losing the series against New Zealand. Actually he might have already guided them towards victory. Pakistan needs 38 off 36 balls and the Kiwis need only one wicket. It's extremely stupid on New Zealand's part considering they had the Pakistanis nine down about 80 odd runs ago. But Aamer the fast bowler came out of nowhere and hit Dan for consecutive sixes. It makes my heart bleed, but this post is about fast bowlers. And I am the master of avoiding topics I don't like discussing.

Praveen Kumar of India is also a hard-hitting, game winning batsman. Or has been in the recent past. Makhaya Ntini played a heroic innings in the last test match again Oz in Ozland, that nearly won the game for South Africa. He didn't score a 50, but it was a decent knock. Mitchell Johnson almost got a century against the Saffers, Stuart Broad ... *cough, gag, cough*

Sorry, I nearly choked and died. But yes, the individual whose name I do not wish to utter did put in a decent knock to try and save the 4th Ashes test. Although, he used to be a batsman apparently. Anyway, I'm sure there are loads of other names that I am missing but that is a pretty impressive list of pacers who can bat.

It's tough being a fast bowler. Cricket is a game that favour batsmen most of the time. Plus, they don't last as longer, pick up more injuries and don't always get the recognition they deserve when a match is won. On top of that, they have to pick up the slack of their batsmen too? I mean it's great that fast bowlers these days can bat, but really, do they need the pressure? Why can't the batsmen do their job properly? Do you see batsmen bowling fast and short when the bowlers are down? No. Because they can't. When bowlers play like crap, the team usually loses and they become liable.

Oh yay! New Zealand just won. But Mohammad Aamer remains unbeaten at 73. Way to go kid. Just don't be surprised if all your batsmen go to sleep from now on.

Interesting nicknames

It has come to my attention that some of the Proteas have very interesting nicknames. There must be a story behind each of these, but I don't know any of them. However, they are all wonderful for the imagination and that is exactly what I am doing with this post. Exercising my imagination.

Note: All names that do not add to the mind have been left out. And the ones whose origins we already know. By we, I mean me.

Albie Morkel: Berg. The analogy is possibly with an iceberg which is funny because Albie is neither cool nor melting slowly to add to the effects of global warming. Although if I stretch my imagination really, really far, Albie has been able to sink cricket giants like Australia with his powerful batting in the past. I would like to remind him that icebergs never stop sinking ships. In other words find your destructive form, FOR THE LOVE OF MORNE!

Ashwell Prince: Ashy P. There is clearly no story behind this name, but it had to make the list because it appeals to one's humour. Ashy P. Pee on the Ashes. His pee is like soot. I get the feeling Andrew Strauss might want to take Ashy P home after the series.

Hashim Amla: Hash. As in hashish? So we can say 'That guy his dope!'. In gangsta language that means he is awesome/amazing/the bomb/bitchin'! You get my drift.

Jacques Kallis: Boogie. My imagination only went as far as Jacques Kallis must be really good at the boogie woogie. Then it was halted by the image of Jacques actually doing the boogie woogie. That put together with the picture below just sent me into bouts of laughter. Sorry Jakes. I love you, I really do. But you and the Boogie...God help us all!


Johan Botha: Stone. I'm sure Botha likes to think of this in a Stone Cold, Steve Austin way but I'm afraid Botha is not macho enough. But then again, he is a spin bowler. Spin bowlers don't need muscles. They need brains and stone-faced demeanor to let the batsmen know that they are superior. I'm sure that is where he gets his nickname from. His emotionless, perfectly chiseled face that give away nothing. As oppose to Biffy's flat, big chinned, panic-stricken one.

Makhaya Ntini: George. How very strange to have a nickname that is an actual name. How very strange to be nicknamed after the stupidest person alive! My imagination fails here. Does Macky look like a George? Last I checked, Ntini was not looking for weapons of mass destruction, he IS the weapon of mass destruction. As soon as I am done this exercise I am going to give Macky a new nickname. Something like the Terminator.

Mark Boucher: Rab. At first glance this seems random. BUT, if you take out the middle potion of his first name, the first letter of his surname and rearrange it a bit, what do you get? RAB! My brain is tired from the sheer work behind this. Some people have too much time in their hands!

Thankfully, I am not one of those people. So this is where the exercise ends. But I think my brain has grown in size, ever so slightly.

A day of bad news

1) T&T lost and yet another Australian team took the trophy home. I get this feeling everybody is feeling really bad for Australia for losing the Ashes hence they are being nice. This is my way of denying the fact that the Aussies seem to have more or less recovered from their bad patch and may start their domination all over again. They are not nearly as fun to watch when they are not sucking. Although, I do want India to lose in the upcoming series so they will have to play well for the next seven games. Dammit!

2) No Moises vs KP. So not only did Kato ruin the final by winning, he did not give people a chance to watch Moises getting assaulted as well. Someone should teach Kato the responsibilities he has towards the people who come to watch the match. No one came to watch your team win Kato. They wanted some violence and you didn't allow it to happen. You will pay for this.

3) HERSCHELLE GIBBS AND MAKHAYA NTINI HAVE BEEN DROPPED FROM THE SOUTH AFRICAN ODI AND T20 SQUAD! This is the most terrible news of all! These are indications that the Saffers might be preparing for a WC11 without these two. They cannot force my Hersch into retirement! Those BASTARDS! If the Poms win this because the Saffers used inexperienced players I am going to feed Mike Procter to the starving lions in my basement. I probably should have done that when he decided to drop Morne. Then this would not have happened! I must admit Makhaya's exclusion was expected though. It's tough being a fast bowler in your 30's. But if Binga can do it Maky, so can you. So change your hairstyle and start giving 'I'm 100% ready' interviews!

I am upset with this day. If there is a tornado outside your window, it's my out of control rage.