Bowling is skin deep

When Binga was injured for the umpteenth time Dougie B packed his bags and waited for the call. Actually, he might have waited even before Binga injured himself. Everybody knew it was coming. He is paying back mankind for unleashing his atrocious Hindi song upon us. One injured limb for every record sold.

But the call never came. Dougie waited with his tomato face till someone gave him a squeeze and said,
"The peacock is in its way, Dougie"

"Why Hildy why?" Dougie asked.

No answer.

Dougie and Harris arrived at the IPL at the same time, both were easily the best bowlers of the tournament and both won matches for their teams. Dougie's team...eventually...won...the IPL!

So when the time came to replace Binga and Hilfy was still unavailable, most thought the new IPL3 champions AND the one who kept his Aussie colours with his IPL team, would be an automatic choice. But it was not to be. It was Ryan Harris who got the call, the same Ryan Harris whose chest is placed too highly, just like a peacock's.

How can Binga, one of the prettiest men in cricket, be replaced by Dougie tomato face? Getting people to come watch the games in the Windies is tough enough and on top of that they lose Binga and his applebutt. So they replace the butt, with a chest.

Dougie has none of this. I mean, the man makes Simon Katich look handsome for fuck's sakes!

No, Dougie has no place in the Australian squad. Not when he is replacing Brett Lee. Not when the people will come back to watch Ryan Harris till they can figure out why his chest is so oddly placed.

Unless Witchy picks up an injury and McKay, MacDonald, Moises, McGrath and Bracken are all unavailable.

Don't hurt

You would think AB was a dainty little man, making contact with utmost delicacy, sending everybody into bouts of delighted squeals.

Well, you would be wrong because just now, he flung his dainty body at Harro and caused him to sprain his ankle. I mean, you can't really blame him. Harro just got the luckiest of wickets...the ball found direction after hitting the batsman. Not just any batsman, Sachin. On a hundred. Poor guy looked like a little boy who has lost his way. I almost felt bad for him. Almost.

Harro's ankle seems to be piss weak too. How tall is AB? 5"10? How the hell does he jump on a giant and injure him? And now he has injured himself while trying to take a dramatic catch.

Handle with care, AB. Leave that shit for the IPL. We don't care if you injure yourself then, or your team mates. Come to think of it, injuring your team mates will be an ideal situation there. Because you know, they are really the opposition.

Unfortunately, nobody in Delhi induces this type of "frolicking little girl" reaction in AB like Harro does. It's endearing and pathetic at the same time. What does he have that others don't?

Dave Warner is blond.
Dan the man is tall.
Gambhir wears that white stuff on his face.
Andrew McDonalds bowls like crap.

That's four Delhi boys with the characteristics of one Harro. Go injure them or something. Leave the Paul alone, AB. Just leave him alone.

Ten things- this year

Ten unexpected things that happened in Cricket this year:

1. Aussies started liking Graeme Smith.
2. Andrew McDonald got selected for tests.
3. Netherlands won an international game against Stuart Broad.
4. Pakistan played in tests...and won one!
5. Chris Gayle gave us glimpses of his captaincy brain in a Test, of all things.
6. Bangladesh won four whole series.
7. My Herschelle's team won the IPL.
8. Sanath kept on going and did not break down.
9. Zimbabwe came back with a team (the lost part was expected)
10. India crashed out in the second round of a T20 World Cup.

Ten expected things that happened in Cricket this year:

1. Australia lost the Ashes in England.
2. South Africa crashed out of a ICC semi-final.
3. There was a problem with an Indian pitch.
4. Roy got sacked.
5. Daniel Vettori did it all.
6. Sri Lanka remained a yo-yo team.
7. Flintoff picked up an injury.
8. Chris Broad pissed us off.
9. Pakistan accused someone of match-fixing.
10. Tony Greig bored us to death.

Not an exhaustive list, but at least some of that took us by surprise. And the rest just reinstated our faith in the saying that some things never change.

Merv's Moustache

This is the story of one man and his moustache and how the shaggy hair on his upper lips guided him through all the tough selections.

Ashes 09, 5th Test

Merv: Tell me oh shaggy one, do I pick four seamers or put a spinner there?
Moustache: I say, it looks like the pitch will turn later. Blimey! This is a tough one, innit?
Merv: I think we should let Nathan play mate. After all, he did shockingly take wickets this series and surprise everyone by establishing himself as a spinner...more or else.
Moustache: Bollocks! We'll go with four seamers. Get Stuart Clark in.
Merv: He was kind of shit in the second innings of the 4th test though and the pitch seems to be better suited for spinners...
Moustache: Don't be a twat! Clark in, Hauritz out. I like them pacers. They make me twitch. If they blame you just say you misread the pitch. And make Punter say the same. Otherwise I'll boo him.
Merv: But..
Moustache: The 'tache has spoken.

India vs Australia, 2009

Merv: Shaggy one, we have a long injury list...
Moustache: Moises and Clint are going to replace them, yaar!
Merv: But the injured are...
Moustache: I don't need to know. I'm saying Moises and Clint will play, baas, they will play.
Merv: The problem is, even I don't know who McKay is and Moises seems to like getting whacked by batsmen. Stuart Clark on the other hand...or even Dirk Nannes...
Moustache: Clark lost us the Ashes my friend. And Dirk is also a Victorian. Selecting him and McKay is the same thing. No more discussions. The 'tache has spoken.

West Indies vs Australia, 2009

Moustache: Is Chris Gayle coming, mon?
Merv: We don't know yet mate.
Moustache: We open the bowling with Andrew McDonald and Shane Watson is to bowl the death overs. Give the rest of the boys some time off. The WAGS can play instead.
Merv: I don't think the WAGS know how to play.
Moustache: Bubu! They have been with the boys long enough to know how to play. Don't question my judgement, mon! And make Lara Bingle the captain. The 'tache has spoken.

If you haven't figured it out by now, the 'tache has been playing for the other teams all along. Just like the Australian selectors.

Look at what psychology can do!

Inside Ricky's head before, during and after the second ODI:

-BRETT LEE INJURED
-JAMES HOPES INJURED
-MITCHELL JOHNSON INJURED...what it's just a twisted ankle? Shut his face up and put him on the field!
-Moises...being...flown...in...for...replacement
-Andrew McDonald is the other choice
-Briefly contemplating suicide
-TIM PAINE INJURED (Australia now has to go for their 10th best wicketkeeper who is possibly 5...or has just arrived in this world)
-Panic...panic...nowhere to run...chew gum...check on storage of chewed gum after match...must pick out the one that helped win the Ashes in 06/07 and chew again for good luck
-More interviews...India outplayed us...say it but don't believe it...it was all psychological
-7 ODI's is the best shit they ever came up with. Now we have 5 more to bounce back. Long live seven, seven is the new five.
- Why isn't Watson injured yet?
-Must go on Facebook and lap up all the love from my fans.
-Clarkey that bastard! Picked up an injury at the right time.
-Wait...is that the answer?
-Should I injure myself so someone else can take the heat?
-Oh Merv, wait till you read the next headline!

Note to the people of India, please keep a look out for Ricky Ponting trying to bend his legs in ways his legs don't bend.

Good day

Really good day actually. Both my teams won. Yes, I do know that Hersch didn't play. But that's only because he can't be bothered wasting his time and energy against silly teams like Victoria. They give games to red-headed monstrosities like McDonald. Hersch cannot be exposed to such harmful radiation. So he's resting, for the bigger games.

The highlights inform me that Victoria was 0 for 2 by the third ball. I really enjoyed Zondeki's second wicket. Specially when the commentators made some joke about Hodge being non-Australian for walking. Insult to injury. Just the way I like it.

In case you are wondering what the suspicious looking bag in the stadium was, it was Sybrand's ride. I have decided that he is the world's first intelligent zombie. Hence his face is devoid of blood and he lives in a bag. He was going to enter in his Hindenburg reincarnation but he needed the extra nap time to sniff them Bushrangers out in the field and maul them. So he came in his house.

I see you...

I'm just sad I didn't get to see him bowl. The highlights I have showed only one of his balls, which went for four. It was hit by Andrew McDonald. It's okay. Everybody knows the Germans need to be down and out before rising like unstoppable blood-thirsty hyenas. Interestingly, zombies follow a similar pattern. Does this mean all Germans are zombies?

The end result of this Herschelle-less game was that the Cobras won. As if anybody expected otherwise. Yawn.

The Challengers also won, this time without much international help. Well not completely because out of the 4 wicket-takers, 2 were Saffas and the star batsman was Rossy. Much to the dismay of Indian fans, the highest Indian batter was Rahul Dravid. The BCCI should drop him more often, it really does wonders for his batting. Anil Kumble also contributed with wickets. But sadly the angel that looks after retired seniors that won't let go, can only focus on one player at a time. So today, it was Anil over McGrath. I think all the praises from the last match was too much for his pigeon brain.

The state of affairs as it stands now is that NSW has to beat Somerset and T&T has to beat Eagles for Trinidad and NSW to go through to the semis. Now that Delhi is out the Challengers might just qualify if the Cobras are beaten in their last league match. Victoria is sitting at the top of League B despite losing one of their two games and have already qualified.

Umm, what? Someone explain.

It doesn't get any better than this

Bangalore just lost to Victoria, the team that has Andrew McDonald. Andrew McDonald who is possibly the most mediocre Australian player to have ever lived. Worse, this Mickey D's poster boy was the STAR in the game.

I apologize if your last meal has already been purged out, but at this point in the post there must be an illustration to show why Bangalore should hang themselves in shame.

He is more than just a clown promoting obesity in children

You see it? He is an even more stupid version of Ronald McDonald and seeing as RM has a big red nose as well, that's really saying something. If you think I am judging his cricketing abilities based on his looks alone, I am. But his stats on Crapinfo backup my claims.

*Insert:smug smile*

Bangalore should just have forfeited the minute Jakes was declared unfit, to save themselves from this embarrassment. I mean, yeah they have three other Saffas in the side who should have bailed them out AGAIN but the thing is:
Dale still thinks this is a paid holiday
ROFL is upset because I have yet to file my adoption application
Bouch secretly plays for the Cobras

Anil Kumble should have talked to me before the game. When will they learn?

Anyway, apparently Bangalore has to win against Delhi to go through to the semis. Whatever.

Can the real cricket start now?

Cricket Hell

I mentioned it in my last post and it got me thinking. What would a cricket hell be like? I came up with a few things.

Location:
Has to be a sound proof, armour door room in Lalit Modi's home. It can only be accessed through a secret passageway through his bedroom. The password for the passage is 'shake your money maker'.

Attractions (Note: The following is for commercial purposes only. There are no guarantees in real life)
-Brett Lee's band Six and Out. They will wake you up every morning with their hit single 'can't catch and can't bowl'. After which you are free to hit Brett Lee for ever picking up a guitar.

-Live commercials by Dhoni. He will appear three times a day to sell Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. If you were a fat cricketer then he will sell Tea as well.

-Comedy performances by KP, Andrew McDonald and Ashish Nehra. KP will praise the Queen in his South African accent and Nehra will lose in a catching competition with a 2 year old. McDonald will just show his face.

-Free health checkups by Shoaib Akhtar. No, this is not optional.

-Workouts with Jesse Ryder. WARNING: May involve a Royal Rumble with Rikishi.

-Dating tips from Shane Warne. Demonstrated by AB and Morne for continuing to remain single despite having hoards of girls after them. Very suspicious behaviour.

You have to come. It will be much better than the snake biting, fire burning cave ruled by the Red dude.