Confusion

Dale Steyn bowling seven wides is

                                                   The Buffalo walking was

just another way of him deciding that he needed
more time to practice his confused look. At least
by the time he left the crease, he had taught the
umpire the sheepish look, which is really a mixture
of genuine confusion and attempted confusion.  

 a prime example of what confusion can do to even the best.
The question is however, why was Dale confused? Did he think
the stumps could move? Maybe the wind was making the stumps
move and we couldn't detect it with the naked eye.

Loots Bosman overdoing that spirit of cricket crap was

the ultimate keepers of confusion who didn't know they

were supposed to officiate in a match. Thought the red

jerseys were supposed to make them look young so they 

could take one of the dancing girls home and that

they had merely landed the best seats in the ground.

Nikita Miller's face 

his attempt to confuse the Poms. On one hand he didn't walk when
he nicked it against them. On the other, he walked yesterday and the
fucker wasn't even out.Now, should the Poms laugh at him for his
immense stupidity or should they still be angry at him for not walking
against them. Massive confusion about how they should behave towards
the Buffalo. Which is necessary because the Buffalo may lose his job and
have to move to Pommyland. 

The umpires were

 

confusing the shit out of me. WHICH ANIMATED ALIEN
CHARACTER(S) DOES HE RESEMBLE?

Uh oh

Jakes is injured...this is not good. This is not good at all! He won't be playing a single ODI. Out of the last three times that Jakes didn't play, SA lost one game (damn you rain!) and barely won the other two. They might have even lost another one, I can't remember.

SA's batting line up unfortunately changes drastically without Jakes. Unless Hash has found his form again or Loots Bosman is called up to fill Jakes' opening spot, things are looking a little bit scary. I would have loved to say Hersch should be the one getting the call, but he won't. With good reason of course, but that doesn't mean I am going to stop sulking.

Not to mention the bowling. FUCK! With Jakes not around Biff will have to give a few overs to Albie, whose run giving shop I suspect, is still in business. Or SA will bring Botha back. Who also has been a bit shitty lately, but ANYTHING is better than Albie getting more than 2 overs. I'll even take Biff bowling. Actually I won't. Don't even think about it you Buffalo!

UGH! The man was perfectly fine carrying all those lipids around for 18 months but the minute he loses weight he picks up an injury! Yes, I am being grumpy. Because if England wins this, I will die. And since this is the third time I have used that sentence, it must be true!

Can Jakes just not get new ribs? Or did he finish every available ones in Saffaland during his 'how to expand horizontally' demonstrations?

Captain Mascaraman

Distressingly, I did not get to watch Mascaraman as captain while England was fielding and the highlights are not up yet. But I did get to watch the post-match presentation and he was too busy blushing, smiling and batting his eyelashes at Kass Naidoo to give a coherent answer. If you don't know what she looks like, click on that link. She's hot. Taken, but hot.

So Mascaraman as captain got properly fucked today. Loots Bosman and thankfully Graeme Smith (I say thankfully because he seems to be becoming consistent with the bat again..about time!) smashed the Poms till they begged for 'no more'. Adil Rashid and Kevin Pietersen, unable to let their Mascaraman go through this torture alone, volunteered to take a bit of the hammering.Even Joe Denly got to make his bowling debut. He broke the record tumbling partnership between Bosman and Smith but god damn, this is like the wicket-keeper giving his gloves to someone else to come bowl. Hmm, where have I seen that before?

England lied, they lied big time. Before today's match the headlines were all about how the Poms were going for their first trophy of the series. You are telling me they REALLY thought that the way to go about that was to make Mascaraman captain and send KP instead of Morgan when Cook fell and the run rate was like 15? Nope. They never wanted to win. They lied. What are they teaching their kids?

Speaking of Cook batting, is it just me or does he never look settled even after hitting a couple of boundaries? What a funny fucker! Kepler Wessels said it best. Mascaraman was on fire, hitting fours every delivery and Wessels goes like "He's not considered very good at the shorter form of the game, Alastair Cook". I know one person who clapped in glee at this comment-Jimmy Anderson, who was also trying to show his captaincy skills as per photographic evidence:

Mascaraman is a little bitch! I am the next captain of England!

I will introduce you to Kate Moss, don't listen to Jimmy

But I want to be captain too!

How wildly entertaining the Poms are. But KP and his switch hit was the funniest shit ever. KP jumping like some 1930's bad action hero and watching the ball hit the stumps. I couldn't find a picture of the exact moment, but this will do nicely.


In case you didn't know, his wicket was picked up by my soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL. I am still working on the adoption papers.

I love an English humiliation. Specially when the Saffa boys are all brilliant. I am so relieved that Dale and Albie (yes ALBIE!) picked up wickets. Although they continue to look disinterested in getting wickets during the middle overs. And I seem to have jinxed Duminy with my 'year of JP' talk. Feck!

Rain is my arch nemesis

Although I've spent the last few hours calming myself down, I am still pretty furious which means this post will be full of profanities. If you are under aged, congratulations your vocabulary has grown today!

So, the rain. Why does the rain not like South Africa? They are a green team, they do most of their fielding up in the air so as not to hurt the grass, they even have a Buffalo as their captain, an animal that contributes to mother nature's beloved earth in a stinky but effective manure..sorry manner. So WHY DOES RAIN HAVE SUCH A BUG UP ITS ASS?

Next, the D/L method. When will South Africa ever look at the sheet and be all 'Right, I've got it'. AND ACTUALLY GET IT? AB kept on looking at the dugout/screen/Colly's butt...anywhere but at the fucking sheet. He pretended to get it, but he didn't. Albie just peaked over his shoulders. I'm having major issues with Albie. These days, he's not only bowling like a bloody chucker, he is also refusing to run. Albie, AB is good at running between the wickets and he knows what he is talking about. So when AB says run, FUCKING RUN YOU TOOL! He easily cost SA 3 runs by refusing to move from his crease. And what happened? England won by 2 runs.

But now the happy thoughts. Yes, there will be happy thoughts because my heart might just burst if I am angry any longer. Then there will be one less person in this world to dislike the Poms. That cannot be. So the happy thoughts:

1) The first ball of the game. Charl always makes me smile, it is no coincidence that he too is bald.

2) Loots Bosman's assaulting the English bowlers. Bald men seem to be naturally good at this.

3) Tim Bresnan bowling. Whoever thought he was a bowler is a regular coke snorter.

4) Swann's first over: 6 1 6 1 1 0=15. Including Bosman's 50. This one was specially for Vim and Sid.

5) Swann turning red in the face trying to place his field with sign language and no one understanding him. Umm...it's called use your words you fucking 100 years old perverted toddler.

6) England continuing to win because of some non-English player. What's that you say? Colly who? I don't know any Lolly Molly. Stop bringing up names of creepy dolls.

Anyway, England can have this win. That's right. We are gifting it to them. Because the rest of the series the Saffers are going to whoop their asses so hard that their fake butt injuries are going to become a reality. And as for the weather gods..fucking go find some other continent to shower over! Or else...