Child Labour

After trying the whole 'let only senior citizens play for the cricket team' experiment, the Aussies have now moved to the other side of the spectrum. They are now employing children to play for them.

It may work, just like the Senior Employment Program did...for a while anyway. However, it was years of frustration that propelled the players into becoming a super cricket breed. Most of them could form their own friggin' cricket team and thwart the national one, but they waited patiently and it paid off. What could the children bring to the table?

Maybe Lollipops for the opposition team, or the ice cream truck; big round sad eyes when the opposition bully them, a cuddly bear for Andrew Hilditch that say 'you're simply the best' every time you rub it's belly. 

However they bring it to the team, I congratulate Australia for finally growing some balls and trying out something totally innovative and new. If this works, it may spark a new trend, not only in cricket but in other sports as well. Giving fresh young blood a chance when they are still in their diapers...who would have thought?

In case you are wondering, Stuart Broad is sulking about not being the suspiciously baby-faced person anymore. We have suggested that he get over it and embrace his inner Barbie.

Warding off injuries

I am not entirely surprised that Australia's bowlers are continuously injured. They have tormented so many teams for so long that all the curses, voodoos and black magic have finally caught up with them. Sure, Shane Warne didn't turn into a toad and Witchy didn't croak like a crow, but he did have to sit this series out because of the most ridiculous injury, an elbow infection caused by a tattoo. Second only to the English buttniggle pandemic of 2009. And in place of Shane Warne, Hauritz.. their.. ahem..next best spinner (*cough*traded down*cough*) now has a foot injury.

Normally, I would laugh. Well, I laughed this time too but then England started to win and Broad came on television a few too many times celebrating wickets. It made me violently ill. So for the sake of my health, I am giving the Aussies tips on how to ward off the injuries before they lose the entire series. I did cast most of them after all.

First, take a handful of Glenn's hair and then put them on Bolly's head. Then make sure Josh touches Bolly's tomato face before bowling. Give the little Piglet a.k.a Smith some ciggies to make him spin like Warne. Ask Twatto to give Bon Jovi of the 80's his hair back and as for Ryano, lower his chest for fuck's sakes!

Lastly, before they all go out, make them- and this is important- listen to Brett Lee songs.

Of course it also helps to win the toss and not choose to bat first with a piss weak bowling attack against a line up that bats deep. But I am not about to give you tips on how to get through to your hairy little goblin.

P.S: When I first wrote this I forgot all about Clinkt McKay, which is exactly how he should be kept injury free. Forget about him and keep him off the field.