The Bald and the Beautiful

It was pretty much the story of Hersch, JP and Bravo wasn't it? Bravo being the beautiful for his awesome batting. No points for guessing who the bald are.

Ravi Rampaul made a guest appearance towards the end of the Cobras innings. Damn, that was some fine example of death bowling! But it still won't get him in the IPL. His name is too Indian-sounding. And clearly the IPL has nothing to do with Indian players. Sorry Ravi.

I am actually indifferent to the result. It's not like this is the Proteas. I only went for the Cobras because of Hersch and he thankfully decided to finally rise from ground zero. He did his part with the batting and the fielding. If he could bowl, he would have done that splendidly too. It's not his fault that the rest of the Cobras were shockingly bad. Speaking of shocking, here's a funny picture where Davids actually looks surprised after dropping the second catch.

Focusing all his energy on the drop...

It's funny because he took some amazing catches against Bangalore in the first match. Meaning as I laugh, I am crying in the inside.

Right, so T&T are through to the finals. You know what that means right? Kieron is sharpening his bat on a strop while Moises is praying for Anubis to come take him away. But that ain't happening. Anubis will be too busy chilling with me and cheering KP on as he busts your balls again and again and again.

Cricket balls that is.

What happened today?

One minute the Daredevils were reduced to 114 with some brilliant bowling and next the Cobras were crashing! Dilshan opened the bowling and picked up two wickets! Dilshan bowls? Since when!

Of course before we answer that question we must solve the mystery of why Dharmasena is an umpire! And no, this is not some biased rant because it was Herschelle who got the decision. IT WAS A WRONG DECISION! You really thought Hersch went first ball to Dilshan? If your answer is yes, you are doing drugs.

So, this Nannes character. He is the shits! I have always liked him. BUT, he disappointed me today. What was the point of putting in a brilliant performance AFTER your team has already crashed out? Where the hell was this before? He ruined the Cobras' record in this tournament for no reason. Spoil sport!

Now the Cobras are playing T&T. My team against the team I have grown to love. Both will face their first tough challenge I reckon. Whoever wins, will possibly also win the finals since the other contender will be either Victoria or NSW. Neither of whom are a threat to these two.

I'll probably go with the Cobras but damn I am getting chills just thinking about the match!

-JP vs KP
-Puttick vs Ganga
-Bravo vs Zondeki

Nice. This should be one hell of a game. Lots of DLF Maximums, thrashing and bashing.

Did I just wish for that? Sneaky Modi is getting to me. I will be back. Must bathe in holy water.

Cape Cobras Profile: Herschelle Gibbs

I haven't seen my Hersch in a while, which is a tragedy. I don't even know if I will get to see him tomorrow because it's another useless game. Hersch doesn't take part in useless games. So unless he is in a mood to entertain people, he might not play. What's that you say about being dropped for bad form? No, no. This is Herschelle Gibbs. The selectors don't pick him for matches, he decides when to play. And that's that.

So to make up for this Herschelle deficiency in my life, and yours, I went and dug up his profile at the Cape Cobras website. It's a good mix of professional and personal questions. You can go read the stats stuff yourself, which you should, but I'll only highlight the personal parts here...because I feel like it.

Name: Herschelle Herman Gibbs

Nickname: Scooter, the Sack man
-When Hersch first started playing he was too young to drive (16 year old prodigy thank you very much) so his team mates joked that they would buy him a scooter. Hence the name. I have no idea where the Sack man came from. Maybe for his dangerous catch taking abilities. Right. That has to be it.

Marital status:
-It's actually blank. Poor guy can't come to term with the fact that his best friend married him and then turned out to be a gold-digger. The things my Hersch has to live with!

Most memorable day in cricket and why: 1999 World Cup semifinal, it had everything a ODI should have, except the right result!
-Ugh! Close eyes, happy thoughts, open eyes, deep breath...move on.

Best innings:
-Also blank. Because Hersch can do better than 175 bitches! I wait patiently for that day.

Best advice you have received: Believe in your talent
- But what happens when your talent can be used in every god damn sport in the Universe?

How would you change the game: Wouldn’t
-And I love him even more.

Cricketing ambitions: To fulfill my talent
-Which will at least take him to the next World Cup or even beyond. That's right. He ain't retiring. So STFU!

Most disappointing moment in the game: Don't have any
-This might be a teeny tiny lie. On second thought, compared to his personal life, this sounds about right.

Most embarrassing moment in cricket: Dropping two catches in New Zealand
-I never saw it, so it did not happen. Hersch cracks such great jokes!

Funniest moment in cricket: A bowler's false teeth fell out when he was appealing for an LBW!
-I will kill to know the identity of this bowler. Off the top of my head I can only think of Shane Warne. His teeth are quite suspiciously white.

What other sports do you follow: Golf and Rugby
-He also plays both...fabulously! Although I must condemn him for following Golf. I don't understand this Golf obsession that Cricketers have. It's not fun to play...trust me, I tried!

What car do you drive: BMW
-I must tell him that all the cool people drive Infinitis now.

Favourite food: My mother's food
-I can hear girls going ''Awwww''

Favourite drink: Jack Daniels and coke
-Don't even waste your energy on alcoholic jokes. This is obviously an old profile. But I must admit the man's got class or had class, before he started chugging a bottle per minute.

Favourite movie: Gladiator
-Again, good taste!

Favourite actor/actress: Richard Pryor
-I don't know who he is. But at least it's not Rob Pattinson.

Best book read: I haven't read a book
-Shock, horror, disbelief! WHAT? Okay, breathe Purna. Obviously he has been too busy building his career, so he didn't get a chance to read...a single...book....WHAT THE FUCK! Breathe. All will change the day you enter his life. Which will be soon. Problem solved.

What do you see yourself doing after your career ends: Who knows!
- Unpredictable and adventurous. So Herschelle-like!

This dosage of Herschelle will last me till the semis. He better play then, otherwise I'll make him read a book on the necessity of having alcohol in one's life! No I won't. But he better play. That's all I am saying.

Good day

Really good day actually. Both my teams won. Yes, I do know that Hersch didn't play. But that's only because he can't be bothered wasting his time and energy against silly teams like Victoria. They give games to red-headed monstrosities like McDonald. Hersch cannot be exposed to such harmful radiation. So he's resting, for the bigger games.

The highlights inform me that Victoria was 0 for 2 by the third ball. I really enjoyed Zondeki's second wicket. Specially when the commentators made some joke about Hodge being non-Australian for walking. Insult to injury. Just the way I like it.

In case you are wondering what the suspicious looking bag in the stadium was, it was Sybrand's ride. I have decided that he is the world's first intelligent zombie. Hence his face is devoid of blood and he lives in a bag. He was going to enter in his Hindenburg reincarnation but he needed the extra nap time to sniff them Bushrangers out in the field and maul them. So he came in his house.

I see you...

I'm just sad I didn't get to see him bowl. The highlights I have showed only one of his balls, which went for four. It was hit by Andrew McDonald. It's okay. Everybody knows the Germans need to be down and out before rising like unstoppable blood-thirsty hyenas. Interestingly, zombies follow a similar pattern. Does this mean all Germans are zombies?

The end result of this Herschelle-less game was that the Cobras won. As if anybody expected otherwise. Yawn.

The Challengers also won, this time without much international help. Well not completely because out of the 4 wicket-takers, 2 were Saffas and the star batsman was Rossy. Much to the dismay of Indian fans, the highest Indian batter was Rahul Dravid. The BCCI should drop him more often, it really does wonders for his batting. Anil Kumble also contributed with wickets. But sadly the angel that looks after retired seniors that won't let go, can only focus on one player at a time. So today, it was Anil over McGrath. I think all the praises from the last match was too much for his pigeon brain.

The state of affairs as it stands now is that NSW has to beat Somerset and T&T has to beat Eagles for Trinidad and NSW to go through to the semis. Now that Delhi is out the Challengers might just qualify if the Cobras are beaten in their last league match. Victoria is sitting at the top of League B despite losing one of their two games and have already qualified.

Umm, what? Someone explain.

Epic failure!

I wasn't able to cut my umbilical cord. The more I tried to stay away, the more cricket called me. But don't worry darlings, the bitches have been owned...partially, which is why I decided to come back. Actually, I came back because I've been secretly typing up posts for the past few days and not writing has forced my brain into thinking more and more about this blog. The tortures of reverse psychology!

But that is not what the subject is about. I am talking about the epic failure of IPL teams. Now, you are going to say, but two out of the three teams went through. Yes they did. But courtesy of who?

That's right. The INDIAN PREMIERE LEAGUE has done zilch for Indian players. It took one Dutchman, one Australian and one Saffa to get these teams into the second round. How I laughed! Especially, when I read all those articles about HOW his Modiness will get the crowd to come watch the games if the IPL teams are eliminated. Modi my love, it's quite simple really. Get the Indian cricketers to buy tickets for their whole family so that they can come and learn how cricket is really played. Judging from the million cricketers that will NEVER get a chance to play for India (*cough*Chawla*cough*), you will make profit AND teach them a few things. Brilliant?

This is where Lalit Modi bows down to me for stopping that trillionth zero in his bank balance from disappearing. Also, now he can finally buy an Iphone (The guy is this rich and owns only a Blackberry? Shame!).

He should also bow down to Trinidad & Tobago for making this tournament exciting. Seriously, who would have thought a team from the West Indies would beat the crap out of the Deccan Chargers? They are by far the most interesting team of this tournament and such a huge plus for their country! It makes me very happy to see the Gangas, the Bravos, the Simmons and the Mohammeds kicking major international ass! Screw you WICB for keeping them hidden and dragging West Indies down to such a sorry state!

Okay, I have calmed down. It doesn't matter what the WICB did to them before. They will now hunt in packs till a certain Whayle disappears off the face of the Earth. They will then take over and save cricket in West Indies. Just don't forget Kemar Roach. He is magnificent.

Of course, even after all the drama, the Cape Cobras will win.

Aah, it's good to be back!

Denial

My Herschelle was not out because he played a stupid shot.
My Herschelle was out because Boucher was supposed to miss that like he has been missing all balls when he bats.

I'm seeing red at the moment. Speaking of which doesn't Bouch look good in the red and gold? Good enough for him to give up his green forever! Okay, I take that back. But Boucher really has to stop pissing me off!

Stop it!

And Jakes really has to stop being such a bully...but only when it comes to his team-mates. He can bully everybody else, it's really funny to watch.

Not that it got to iron-man JP. Won't it be great if JP is actually one of those quiet ones who secretly has the ability to go all Norman Bates on people? Only in the context of cricket of course.
Apparently he is. He just hit the Dilscoop...or the Dumiscoop, as Harsha renamed it. Not very clever, but I'll take it.

Kill with the bat JP. Just with the bat. Leave the rest to me.

Teams

I have yet to form any sort of an attachment to the teams taking part in the Champions League so this one is based strictly on which team has my favourite players.

The Cape Cobras trump all. Guess why?

Herschelle Herman Gibbs, that's why.

He's had a miserable return to cricket this season. Being attacked by a Buffalo can lead to a number of psychological disorders, all of which he will use to beat the crap out of every bowler that comes his way. He is hungry for runs and he will smash everything to the spectators. If you are going to any of the games he is playing at, bring a hat. Better yet, bring a shield. You don't want to take any chances with my Hersch.

Give me runs and I will give you the moon!

I have also discovered to my delight that Sybrand Engelbrecht the crazy, ambidextrous, fielding freak of nature plays for the Cape Cobras too. Hersch's retirement will only be accepted if this guy replaces him in the field. I am really looking forward to watching him play. Just hope he gets a game.

My loyalties to Saffers, particularly to my alien, soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL, requires me to also send some love Bangalore's way. There are going to be my second team. Isn't it just perfect that the first game is between RBC and the Cobras?

Who will I support you ask? Read again. Gibbs trumps all. The rest merely occupy a special place in my heart.