Why should I return?

Have you been watching cricket recently? HAVE YOU?

England, on a quest to be the number one test team of the world, have magically tapped into their inner winner. I didn't even know such a thing existed with the Poms, but there you have it. They are kicking ass. Even Mascaraman is a winner this time around. He must have dug up his inner champion from someone else's grave.

India are on the receiving end of this new English attitude. Supposedly, they too are vying to be the new Australia (world champs+test champs+piss everyone off champs). A poor choice of ambition, considering their bowling attack consists of a staggering nobody.

But wait, who makes up England's bowling attack? James Anderson...and the obscure one hit wonders.

iLaugh.
India dies.
At the hands of a Barbie doll.

Then we have my countrymen who have attempted to disguise themselves in horrendous orange, lest they fail. I appreciate it, because it shows they are thinking ahead. "In case of yet another embarrassing performance, wear a different coloured uniform. All stones will be diverted to the wrong bus anyway".

Well Bangladesh, here's a line for you: If you try again and again without success, failure may just be your style.

I am beginning to believe that.

How can I end a post without talking about my beloved Proteas. Who you say? I say the same thing. Who are these non-existent, fleeting men in green who only show up for certain periods of the cricket season, and never stay for the climax?

*Insert dirty joke here*

So in a nutshell, this is the era of England and India (not choosing since I can't bear it to be the era of either), Bangladesh will replace Zimbabwe in the number 10th spot and the Proteas are too busy being degenerates.

Nobody loves me.

The Zimbabwe Tri-series

When India and Sri Lanka landed in Zimbabwe, they were told that they had only come to put themselves on display while the Zimbabwean cricketers do some job shadowing. You know, so they can build their skills and put it in their resumes for the other cricket nations to review and decide whether they want to play against them. Except, the Indians and Lankans were so bad at their own profession that the Zimbabweans decided to stop the shadowing and do their work for them. And what a fine job they did! 

I don't care if both the teams are missing key players and Dilshan is captaining Sri Lanka. Even an Indian or Sri Lankan second stream team should be able to beat Zimbabwe. Simply because no matter how inadequate the development phase of cricket is in these two countries, they can't be worse than the politicially motivated Zimbabwe. Yet, Zimbabwe have managed to produce players that can whoop Sri Lankan and Indian ass. Comfortably too.

Also, how about the fact that neither India nor Sri Lanka have sent their second strings to Zimbabwe? They just sent experimental teams, without their stars. And most of those lab rats have played in the first XI. I don't know how to exactly describe them. Err...oh yes! India and Sri Lanka after the retirement of Tendulkar, Sehwag, Sangakara and Mahela! Big, bright future boys!

I also don't care if this is only Zimbabwe and nobody is watching. Here's why: will this go down to the records? Yes it will. Will everybody know that India got knocked out by Zimbabwe in a tri-series? Yes they will. Will the Zimbabweans celebrate like mad and consider this a succesful tour (specially if they win today)? Yes they will. Will there be a trophy involved? Yes there will. So guess what? IT MATTERS. Even if you were involved in a tri-series with Afghanistan it matters.

They are putting their all in it. Why the fuck won't you? Oh, because you are India and Sri Lanka. You have been doing is for a while now. God forbid you should take a tri-series in Zimbabwe seriously. You have ICC rankings for fuck's sakes

I don't know about you but I can't wait for the final game today. Of course, now that I have written about Zimbabwe there is a 99.99% chance that they will lose.

Threeway

A man from Room 666 is on the phone.

Man: Hello Front Desk? Can I please get Graeme Smith's room number please? 300? Corresponding to his weight I see...nothing. Thank you.

Dials 300.

Man: Hello Fatty..err Smithy, M.S. here. No, I am not some new Saffa player! I am the captain of the Indian cricket team! Yes, that M.S! Non-South Africans are known by their initials too you know? Like KP...oh wait!

Smith: Aww look, how can I help you M.S?

Dhoni: Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you what excuse you are using for the abysmal performance. We didn't do too well you know. Gary said we can't use the IPL again because we used it last time and Lalit wasn't too happy. Plus Twatto was also in the IPL and he isn't tired at all! Between you and me, I think he's on steriods. But it's not like Twatto had to play till the end! I won the IPL you know! As did Albie. How is Albie?

Smith: Albie's fine. And we aren't using any excuses. Majola started recording our excuses so he pretty much has it all by now. We are just saying that we sucked! Maybe you should say that too. That way, others don't get the satisfaction as much and your female fans adore you again.

Dhoni: But it WASN'T my fault! I was in the FINALS of the IPL! I won the cup! I am TIRED! I don't know what excuses the others are giving, but mine is legitimate. And Durby's. The poor guy, bowling four overs every match!

Smith: Aww look, what about Vijay, Zaheer and Raina?

Dhoni: They are young! Plus Zaheer costs a fortune. You are being of no help mate!

Smith: Maybe we should call Chris, see what excuse he is using.

Dhoni: Oh good idea! Let me call him. What's his room number again?

Smith: 420.

Dhoni: Okay, hang on.

Dials 420. A sleepy man picks up. Even on the phone, you can tell that he has shades on.

Chris: Hello?

Dhoni: Hello Chris? This is M.S. How are you mon? Oh sorry. Yes I know that was terrible. I have Graeme on the other line, let me connect you two. Smith! The fat one? Yes, yes.

Connects the lines.

Chris: Hi Biffy? How was the roast beef tonight?

Smith: I didn't have roast beef tonight.

Chris: Oh, why do they call you Biff then?

Smith: Aww look, let's forget about that. M.S and I want to know what excuse you guys are using for crashing out of the Super 8's.

Chris: No excuse. I am saying Twatto, Witchy and Hads misbehaved with us to get the focus off the loss.

Dhoni: Oooh, very Ricky-like!

Chris: Well, we were there for a while you know. I might as well have picked up something! Their beaches are shit-holes compared to ours. So I had to keep myself occupied elsewhere. But in all honesty, our women's team made the semis, so our people are not that mad. M.S, your women made it too. So take a chill pill. It's Biff who should be worried!

Smith: Worried? I am not worried. There's no one to replace me, no matter what happens.

Dhoni: Same here mate, same here. That's why I put the Aussies to bat first. Wasn't I clever? Anyway, so it seems we are all good. By the way Smithy, I wanted to ask you if you could take some of our boys with you and drop them off to Zimbabwe on the way.

Smith: We aren't going anywhere. We have to play Chris and his boys next, so we are just going to stay put and get nice and tanned. Right Chris?

Chris: You know it mon! Let's see who gets the better tan before the test starts! I am already ahead of you!

Smith: Don't worry Chris, the bet is on! See you later then! Was there anything else M.S?

Dhoni: Can you give me Paul Harris' number? Durby wanted it for some spin consultation...don't know why.

Smith: Yeah I have to look for it. Let me call you back, what's your room number?

Dhoni: 666. I don't know why! Something about how mad the people back home are and effigies. What rubbish! Of course not! Do I look like Ganguly to you? I am much better looking! Just call me back! Okay, bye!

It's all relative

One day as Mascaraman stood in front of the mirror applying makeup to his eyeballs to make it as pretty as his lashes, he had heard voices. A distant whisper, in a Goochie-like voice...

"Alastair...you can bowl".

So the next day he bowled. He presumed it was a bit like throwing water balloons at people. And he had plenty of experience in that department thanks to the lovely pajama parties hosted by Ms. Stuart. He conceded 111 runs in 5 overs. 111. Straight and symmetrical. Just like his mascara brush.

Offended that a worse bowler has emerged, Mitchell Johnson quickly moved to grab the spotlight. Except he kind of forgot to grab his own brain when running out the door and tried to borrow Scott Styris'. When Scott wouldn't give it to him, Mitchy went upto the brain and started calling it in a strange language, to get it to jump out. Mitchy huffed and he puffed, but it didn't budge. Then he tried banging it with his head. Bang, bang, bang...went Mitchy.

So great was the effect of Mitchy's banging that even Butt heard it over at Pakistan. Only the air particles and infinite sound waves floating around between New Zealand and Pakistan created a chinese whisper effect and the words reached Butt's ear as 'ban, ban, ban'. Next day, any Pakistani player who had dared to have luscious hair, facial or otherwise, were banned. They said it was about the cricket, but we doubt whether Pakistan actually plays cricket or shows up once in a while to make the world interesting. Regardless, you are now punishable by law for having hair.

Which is why Dan the man got rid of his beard and in the process brought back the frown lines on Ricky Ponting's monkey face when he decided to once again, defeat the opposition all by himself. Methinks Daniel is a bit of a loner, and that is kind of a problem because this ain't tennis. Or the French football team. But it is also true that his team frequently abandons him in their quest for zesty chicken now that KFC is their official sponsor. But not Dan. Dan can't be swayed by them birds.

Chicken talk inevitably leads to the dashing Bangladeshi captain. No, the real one. The one who has given up playing altogether for unknown reasons. Mashrafe Mortaza is missing. Nobody knows why. Please find him. His team got our hopes high for a brief period (you think we have learnt our lessons by now) and his deputy took atrocious captaining to a new level. Neither the good nor the bad had anything to do with him, but according to Shakib the old Mashrafe has disappeared and the new one is no good.

Maybe the old one has gone for a walk with Lara Bingle, who, after showing too much, has also disappeared. Before that however, she made her beloved fly back home...only to end things. These are times when I am in full support of phone break ups. Think of all the paper that we would have saved had Clarke not flown back and the media not gone crazy. And think of all the paper they will be using when Clarke gets into another relationship and the papparazzi tries to get a statement from Bingle. I don't give a shit about the matter of their hearts, I just want the trees saved.

In extension, while you are saving trees, it is a reasonably good idea to save the Zimbabwean cricket team. A team that can beat West Indies with Chris Gayle playing is a team that deserves to be showered in Gayle's sunglasses and have Gayle serve them. At least for a night. Please can people play Zimbabwe more often?

Maybe we should have a team called the Zimbabwean Chris Gayle Beaters in IPL 4. I will get Bouch to twit his Modiness.

WI vs Aus

Again! Weren't Gayle and co. JUST there?

This is apparently the ODI series that they couldn't play after the test because Pakistan needed to come and intervene. I am very interested to know where the Windies were all these days. Ricky's basement, up Twatto ass, Pup's twitter account are some possible options.

Sri Lanka only tour India and Bangladesh, Zimbabwe tour whatever country clears them at security check and Pakistan visits those countries they think they can convince to come over to their land. It never happens, and inevitably Dubai or England "generously" offer their ground.

I am so bored. Haul Sri Lanka's ass over to Ozland. Or take the Aussies to Zimbabwe. Even better will be flying the Saffers to Afghanistan next.

C'mon ICC! Shake it up a notch. Take some risks. Give Ireland a test status! And some free alcohol to cricket lovers everywhere. Just because.

The year of JP

It's only just begun. I know he had a fantastic debut and all but this is his year. I can feel it, meaning you can look forward to lots of obsessed posts about JP. It is indeed the case of one bald man making way for another. As long as the original hairless, batting beast is out of the picture at least.

Superstar JP rocked the Champions League. Now Superstar JP is getting ready to thrash the Poms. On his way to glory and super stardom, JP has also knocked some Zimbabweans over. 111 is the magic number and not out is the status. This is what you call breaking the doors down on people's heads to announce your arrival. I like. I like a lot.

Just in case you have forgotten, JP is also a fantabolous fielder. Which doesn't surprise anybody as he was also born in Cape Town, like the preceding bald man. Legend has it that Cape Town boys dive into the doctors' hands in a fantastic manner during delivery. The legend was of course formed in my head, but you have to admit it is an interesting theory.

The most important part of JP's maiden century is the fact that it has made it possible for me to overlook AB's score of 5, Albie failing with the bat and then having fantastic bowling figures of 6-20-3 (I don't think he is an all-rounder anymore...) and that SA seems to have won comprehensively because a certain Dale wasn't in the team. Interesting. But I'll give Dale the benefit of the doubt... because I don't want spooky croc loving grand kids after me.

It has to be pointed out that my still-to-be-adopted son ROFL took three wickets and at the mere mention of a dating service Bouch scored 31...not out. I may have just solved his problem. But I won't take any of the credit. Bouch is paying me in cash.

I need to end with this: two days till they take on the Brits. I am going to sit by my clock and do a countdown.

Hmm

South Africa won their first game against Zimbabwe. All fine and dandy but I don't know what to make of this win. I didn't get to see it. From Crapinfo stats, South Africa's bowling seems to have gone horribly and as MJ tells me, their fielding was also crap.

South Africa's main strength is their fielding. FML? Indeed.

Hash opened and made a fabulous score in all his illegal drug glory. This might mean that he will be replacing Hersch in the future (did you really think there will be no mention of my Herschelle in this post?), which is....still questionable. Seeing as Hash was originally thought to be Jacques' replacement in the number three spot. Either way I love Hash and am pretty sure he is the next captain of South Africa. After Biff has been overthrown by 50 hunch men, Botha has reigned for a bit and AB is all cried out.

Boucher had the lowest score amongst the Saffas...again! What the fuck is going on with him? I didn't know bad form could transcend over seasons and breaks. Actually I did but still, what the fuck Bouch? That's all I got for you.

Is Albie Morkel back? I'm not going to get too excited. It's only Zimbabwe after all. But 50 from 39. How can I not get excited? Oh yes, just check his bowling figures.

Bowling, bowling, bowling...8 extras. Not epic, but it's there. Only 6 wickets...letting Zim get to 236 for 6 from 48 for 5...FUCKIN' HELL! Biff had to be behind this! I don't know why. When I see the highlights, I'll tell you why but I just have a gut feeling that the Buffalo is the reason this shit happened. The Buffalo is the reason any shit happens. That's right. Global poverty is Graeme Smith's fault.

I'm going to call upon Dale's grandkids from wherever the hell they speak to him. Maybe they can convince him to shed his crapiness.

Thank you Naeem!

Phew! Bangladesh almost gave the last match to Zimbabwe in an attempt to be magnanimous. Thank god for Naeem's 'hell no!' attitude. There is no such thing as a dead-rubber game folks. WINNING IS EVERYTHING!

So now we have a top class all-rounder, a top class spinner, a captain who is loved and respected by his team (both Shakib and Mashrafe...I hope!) and that guy who can come in when all hope is lost and guide us home. I don't care if that was a premature statement. I am practicing Abism, being positive. Don't burst my bubble...it's a big step for me into the non-hating world.

So let's celebrate!

He scored a century...FU...congratulations Brendan!

You the winner Naeem!

I present this to Cricket Minded for not hating on anyone in this post

WTF! That's some ugly ass trophy yo! Wait, I didn't hate..NOOOO!

Total domination

Bangladesh vs Zimbabwe, 4th ODI

0.5 Nazmul Hossain to Masakadza, OUT -'Tis just the beginning.

1.3 Abdur Razzak to Taylor, OUT- 1 run, 2 wickets. La la la la la.

2.3 Nazmul Hossain to Coventry, OUT- Yes, this is the real Charles Coventry. Any more questions?

5.3 Abdur Razzak to Vermeulen, OUT- 8/4 looks hot when your team is bowling. I am going to name my kid 8/4.

13.3 Enamul Haque jnr to Matsikenyeri, OUT- Zimbabwe were given a chance to share their last wishes in between.

15.3 Enamul Haque jnr to Chibhabha, OUT- Won't you at least stay for dinner?

16.4 Shakib Al Hasan to Waller, OUT- This is not even net practice standard.

17.6 Enamul Haque jnr to Chigumbura, OUT- Out is now a constant on the Crapinfo commentator's screen.

18.6 Shakib Al Hasan to Price, OUT- One wicket every over... because we are cool like that.

24.5 Shakib Al Hasan to Jarvis, OUT- Wham, bam, thank you Zim!

This is the leader of the SFA speaking

Shakib,
I am displeased by the team's performance against the Zimbabweans. I am also unhappy with your performance. I know you are trying to hide from Lalit Modi, but once you are in the Sweet-Faced Assassin group, it is a sin to change into a mellow kitten. Also to lose your sweet face, so never grow facial hair.

Mushfiq,
You did well the other day little one. Keep it up and hit Chigumbura for some sixes. Then, hum the tune of 'Candle in the wind' in his ear.

Mashrafe,
Are you secretly Australian...or Nathan Bracken? Why the fuck is it taking you this long to recover from your injury?

Ashraful,
Since I am a woman of considerable power I am doing you a favour and getting ICC to change the laws for Bangladesh only. You are now officially the runner for one batsman of your choice. Just run, don't hit the ball, don't even go near the ball. Run straight when it is not risky to do so. IF you are run out after this, keep on running. Because I am going to come for your life. No matter where you are.

For inspiration, because you lot clearly need some, I am posting the video of your win against India in WC07. It's only the Indian wickets and three minutes long, because the game starts soon.




That's all.

Where have all the batsmen gone?

Bangladesh lost their match to Zimbabwe. FUCK!

This is not funny. This is not funny AT ALL! Krish promised me that Zimbabwe will lose to Bangladesh because it is the way of the world. The world just pulled a sly one on Krish and made Bangladesh the losers! Sad face, lots of them. Some with tears.

Back to the subject. Where are they? This seems to be the Batsmen Napping in Unity week. India had to rely on their number eight and number nine on Saturday, Bangladesh's runs were made by Mushfiq (number 5 and incidentally another one of my adopted sons) and Dolar Mahmud (number ten!). Even Zimbabwe's winning knocks came from their number six and seven.

While we are on the topic of Zimbabwe, fuck you Chigumbura for taking 3 wickets and scoring 60 runs. And HAHA Coventry.

But seriously, I am going to launch a massive hunt for these lost batsmen. Specially the Bangladeshi ones, before they star in Woeful Act-II.

Although, I have no clue how to wake up a pile of napping men in pads and helmets. Maybe send in a bunch of angry, swinging fast bowlers after them.

Zimbabwe

I have been keeping an eye on the Zimbabwe vs Kenya matches, because Zim next goes to Bangladesh. I am seriously worried because of a certain person, who is strangely named after a place in my country of residence. Now Hamilton, is considered one of the most life-less cities of Canada. But there is nothing life-less about Hamilton Masakadza. His scores for the five ODIs against Kenya were 156,66,44,23 and 178*.

Is it just Kenya, or is this guy really Zimbabwe's messiah? If he is and has arrived at the right time to take revenge on my BD boys for the previous series loss...then we are FUCKED!

Last I checked, both Shakib and Mortaza were recovering from injury. Although they might play, they are possibly not going to be fully fit. Which means a lot will be riding on Ashraful and we all know how wonderful Raful can be under pressure. In other words, we are FUCKED!

I am going to put my satanic cap on and do something about this. Pronto.