Warning: Jacques Kallis adulation post

"We choked them", said Jayasuriya, after the Boxing day test. Of course whenever SA loses, no matter in what manner, it's always choking. 252 runs- choking, 10 wickets-choking, loss because of massive failure in all departments- choking.

So Kallis, who got a stunning pair in that test, turned around. It was his 150th test and you know Kallis has that annoying habit? What is it? Yeah, he is so god damn good that he just turns milestones into other milestones.

The man who chased a double ton for so long, now has two. In a do or die match as well. That registered SA's first win at home since 2008. Yes, it's been a long time and thank god it has ended.

I would have been fucking embarrassed had SL drawn or won against SA at home. SL are lovely, but they have been playing in the subcontinent and going only next door for eons. Don't give me stats, I don't want to hear it. SA should have won this from the start and I'm so glad they did. They should have won the Boxing Day test match too, but we won't mention it.

They now move on to New Zealand, another lovely team. I love them with all their sheep, but let's face it- SA WILL KILL THEM. Yes, they must. It's time SA, it's time to be ruthless hounds.

Vettori is handsome and charming and a fantastic cricketer- but HE MUST BE ANNIHILATED. Chris Martin is too good but what is his empty skull next to Kallis' luscious hair? And all that lovely cricket brain.

Oh Jacques and his lovely cricket brain! I'm so at ease with the rest of the season now that Kallis has had a mammoth start. This will continue; yes this will, for wins in Kiwiland and more importantly ENGLAND. Jacques hasn't peaked, he never peaks. He just stays on top in all his glory. Even when he gets a pair he breaks records soon after. No time to think about his failures, the man is too busy being great. And when Jacques is great, he inspires the rest (for the most part). Poor Graeme though, he comes before Jacques in the batting lineup so he never gets any of his inspirations. But who cares? We got AB, Hash, Alviro (yes Alviro, you can do this!), Bouch and even DALE after JK.

Choke on that bitches.

Thank you finger injury

So far life is sweet. AB the injured has been replaced by Hashim the bearded as captain. Good call Hudson, good call.

Of course it is pure coincidence. Believe me, for once, I had nothing to do with AB's injury. I thought about it once or twice, but even my powers aren't that great...yet.

Just in case you weren't following the news (shame on me for not keeping you up to date), following the glorious stepping down of Graeme the buffalo as ODI and T20 captain, AB was named as his replacement. Based on what? Does AB inspire his team-mates? Does he understand field placing? Does it even look like he understands anything other than batting and maybe wicket-keeping. Just maybe.

He is not that experienced. Neither is Amla for that matter. At least not internationally. But I would say of the two Amla is a better choice. Just for a second forget about the fact that Amla has skippered his local teams and the Proteas U19. Look at them as individuals.

Amla hangs back. He is quiet. He absorbs so much most people dismiss him as a negligible entity. Then he strikes.
AB jumps around. He talks too much. He always has to be the centre of attention. The star. The one everyone is sure to notice first and bank on.

This is not to say that only a certain type of individuals make good captains. Fleming and Vettori were the stars of their teams and they did just fine. More than fine. However, when you are more the "backroom guy" as Amla claims to be, most likely, you have a certain introspective capability that will propel your team to be the star. Specially when that team consists of a Steyn, a Kallis, a Duminy, a Smith (now, now, let's show him some love for his batting abilities), a Boucher (YAY!) and a Parnell.

Not a bad list of players to have under your belt.

Yes, Amla is a better choice. Because sometimes, the backroom guy is exactly what a team with great potential (and one measly international trophy...) needs. Someone who pulls the strings quietly and makes great things happen. No flamboyance and no singing.  

101 reasons why I like the Kiwis

I've been trying to figure out why I like the Kiwis so much. Apart from the fact that they have Daniel Vettori and are basically neutral like Switzerland I mean. So I was reading up on them when it suddenly struck me.

New Zealand is considered by many to be a state of Australia.
Canada is called the 51st American state.
Truth is, We are both a million times better than our neighbours.

That was reason number three.

The Kiwis always surprise people with their cricket. We never look at them and say, 'this team is so fucking talented they will rule the world one day'. Then they thrash India by 200 runs.

That is a huuuuge margin. Even bigger considering three of their top players and match-winners were all absent. Vettori is apparently in labour, Jesse Ryder is still drunk and Baz is probably at sea, in a quest to truly find his calling.

That is reason number four.

Reason number five is IOB. Enough said.

Then there are others, like Ross Taylor, Scott Styris, Shane Bond and of course Stephen Fleming. Stephen Fleming alone can be reason number nine to a hundred. And because of his awesome performance I will now add Daryl Tuffey to that list.

Reason number hundred and one.

Strangely, by the end of this list I have also managed to come up with a reason I like India: they gave Dhoni grey hair.

Or maybe it was the wife.

The good, the bad and the mushy

The good:
-Saffers won comprehensively. Also qualifies under "the shocking".
-Saffers found form, specially AB and Albie. Another "the shocking".
-Morne bowled well in a T20 match (man I should just rename this the shocking!)
-Botha coming out of his mourning period since the loss of his doosra and bending his elbows in new and legal ways to deceive the Sumo himself!
-One eyed Charl.
-Saffers finally figuring out where to use Albie...the 15th over. The melted brains work after all.
-Dan the man showing emotions by shaking his hips mid-air. The dude can also dance, I may just have to clone him.
-The Kiwis still making a match out of it ( I do like them you know)

The bad:
-Albie still bowling.
-Jakes and his wonderful strike rate of just a little above hundred. What happened to the IPL form old man?
-Jakes' hairline receding even further! "Boucherzel, Boucherzel, lend him your hair".
-Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL getting dropped, coming on as a sub AND misfielding! This allowed bastard Buffalo to insult ROFL by calling on Dale, whom ROFL had subbed. Dale was suspiciously tying the strings of his pajamas at that time.
-Ross Taylor being shit. 
-Saffers building themselves up to be favourites before the tournament is done again...

The mushy:
-My Hersch replacing Bosman.
-My Hersch hitting fours.
-My Hersch hitting sixes.
-My Hersch taking stunning catches.
-My Hersch ensuring his place in the side for the rest of the games.
-My Hersch fielding like a fucking genius.
-My Hersch inspiring this awesome post over at Cricbuzz.

Dear God, I know I am not your favourite child but PLEASE make sure Gibbsy retains this form and plays till I am dead.

Thank you.

Shakib runs on battery

Batting in the first innings, out on 49.

Bowling in the first innings, a mammoth 66 overs (57 of them on one day), 27 maidens, 124 runs and 4 wickets.

Second innings, 25 not out, still at the crease.

Again, all hopes lie on Shakib. He may not deliver or he may score a century off 29 balls and then make England bat after lunch. He may then go on to take 6 English wickets, including the last English fast bowler standing. That wicket may come when there are two balls left for a draw.

Anybody see a Bangladeshi Vettori emerging here? Does this mean we will go as far as a team loved by all, difficult to beat on their day yet always beaten and of course plagued by injuries?

FML. 

It's all relative

One day as Mascaraman stood in front of the mirror applying makeup to his eyeballs to make it as pretty as his lashes, he had heard voices. A distant whisper, in a Goochie-like voice...

"Alastair...you can bowl".

So the next day he bowled. He presumed it was a bit like throwing water balloons at people. And he had plenty of experience in that department thanks to the lovely pajama parties hosted by Ms. Stuart. He conceded 111 runs in 5 overs. 111. Straight and symmetrical. Just like his mascara brush.

Offended that a worse bowler has emerged, Mitchell Johnson quickly moved to grab the spotlight. Except he kind of forgot to grab his own brain when running out the door and tried to borrow Scott Styris'. When Scott wouldn't give it to him, Mitchy went upto the brain and started calling it in a strange language, to get it to jump out. Mitchy huffed and he puffed, but it didn't budge. Then he tried banging it with his head. Bang, bang, bang...went Mitchy.

So great was the effect of Mitchy's banging that even Butt heard it over at Pakistan. Only the air particles and infinite sound waves floating around between New Zealand and Pakistan created a chinese whisper effect and the words reached Butt's ear as 'ban, ban, ban'. Next day, any Pakistani player who had dared to have luscious hair, facial or otherwise, were banned. They said it was about the cricket, but we doubt whether Pakistan actually plays cricket or shows up once in a while to make the world interesting. Regardless, you are now punishable by law for having hair.

Which is why Dan the man got rid of his beard and in the process brought back the frown lines on Ricky Ponting's monkey face when he decided to once again, defeat the opposition all by himself. Methinks Daniel is a bit of a loner, and that is kind of a problem because this ain't tennis. Or the French football team. But it is also true that his team frequently abandons him in their quest for zesty chicken now that KFC is their official sponsor. But not Dan. Dan can't be swayed by them birds.

Chicken talk inevitably leads to the dashing Bangladeshi captain. No, the real one. The one who has given up playing altogether for unknown reasons. Mashrafe Mortaza is missing. Nobody knows why. Please find him. His team got our hopes high for a brief period (you think we have learnt our lessons by now) and his deputy took atrocious captaining to a new level. Neither the good nor the bad had anything to do with him, but according to Shakib the old Mashrafe has disappeared and the new one is no good.

Maybe the old one has gone for a walk with Lara Bingle, who, after showing too much, has also disappeared. Before that however, she made her beloved fly back home...only to end things. These are times when I am in full support of phone break ups. Think of all the paper that we would have saved had Clarke not flown back and the media not gone crazy. And think of all the paper they will be using when Clarke gets into another relationship and the papparazzi tries to get a statement from Bingle. I don't give a shit about the matter of their hearts, I just want the trees saved.

In extension, while you are saving trees, it is a reasonably good idea to save the Zimbabwean cricket team. A team that can beat West Indies with Chris Gayle playing is a team that deserves to be showered in Gayle's sunglasses and have Gayle serve them. At least for a night. Please can people play Zimbabwe more often?

Maybe we should have a team called the Zimbabwean Chris Gayle Beaters in IPL 4. I will get Bouch to twit his Modiness.

Short and Sweet

During the Kiwi vs Aus game, I was having a conversation with a friend. It went like this,

"Where is Scott Styris? Why the fuck are all these Franklins and Brooms batting ahead of him when the required run rate is 6 and over and MICHAEL CLARKE is bowling?"

Then Scott Styris arrived. And the Kiwis won a game without Vettori, Elliot and Sumo Ryder. Against their next door neighbour. You know the one with the unbeaten summer? Hasn't lost an ODI since England? Yeah them.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now all the Black Caps need to do is keep it together for two more games and hand the Aussies their first series loss since summer in the Northern Hemisphere. I am really looking forward to that. Where the hell are the Aussies going to keep another trophy anyway? I swear they have a storage room at CA headquarters where a heap of dusty trophies that they don't care about, are lying around. Like the Natwest Trophy, after they beat England 6-1. Or that trophy they got in India. What was that one called? "It's such a long series the trophy got tired of waiting and burst into flames".

(P.S: Ricky took the ashes home)

In other news, Bangladesh came very close to winning the second ODI but the Irishman offered them alcoholic pleasures. So they decided to let the little one trample them with his tiny feet.

And you thought this post was going to have a sweet ending. Well, so did I!

Don't hurt

You would think AB was a dainty little man, making contact with utmost delicacy, sending everybody into bouts of delighted squeals.

Well, you would be wrong because just now, he flung his dainty body at Harro and caused him to sprain his ankle. I mean, you can't really blame him. Harro just got the luckiest of wickets...the ball found direction after hitting the batsman. Not just any batsman, Sachin. On a hundred. Poor guy looked like a little boy who has lost his way. I almost felt bad for him. Almost.

Harro's ankle seems to be piss weak too. How tall is AB? 5"10? How the hell does he jump on a giant and injure him? And now he has injured himself while trying to take a dramatic catch.

Handle with care, AB. Leave that shit for the IPL. We don't care if you injure yourself then, or your team mates. Come to think of it, injuring your team mates will be an ideal situation there. Because you know, they are really the opposition.

Unfortunately, nobody in Delhi induces this type of "frolicking little girl" reaction in AB like Harro does. It's endearing and pathetic at the same time. What does he have that others don't?

Dave Warner is blond.
Dan the man is tall.
Gambhir wears that white stuff on his face.
Andrew McDonalds bowls like crap.

That's four Delhi boys with the characteristics of one Harro. Go injure them or something. Leave the Paul alone, AB. Just leave him alone.

BD vs NZ T20

It didn't happen. Crapinfo just made some random scorecard up. They need to stay employed. And Baz was dreaming.

I mean Nathan McCullum bowled and picked up two wickets. Clearly this was some fantasy world.

The only thing that made me think twice was the fact that Dan played and picked up the highest number of wickets. But this is not Dan and this not New Zealand. They would never wear KFC on their shirts. That's what Aussies do.

Thus, as you can see, that even though the scorecard looks like Bangladesh had 'played', New Zealand never did. So the game did not happen.

If you actually saw the game on television, congratulations! You need to be checked into a mental institution. Specially if you watched Bangladesh bat.

Definition of an all-rounder

It is imperative that I tell you, because people seem to be suffering from bouts of dementia when they come across this word. It's very, very simple.

Picture a sale, where you find the perfect pair of shoes. You have been looking for them all your life. You can't believe you have been walking all these years without them. The price is also perfect. And then you see it. "Buy one get one free".

But the shoe that you get free is of lesser quality. You will wear it once, wince in pain and put it away. Some months later you will try it again, pain still there but a little abated. You try it again and again because really, who wants to keep free stuff tucked away? Eventually it will stop hurting and then it's like the shoes were a part of your feet.

Now look at this picture:

With these men, you get a lot of things free. Sanex products, differently styled glasses and children's novels to name some. Oh, I know what you will say. You get similar things free with the new 'all-rounders' as well.

Broady offers his bad manners and bottled up puberty to anyone who gives a shit about him.
Witchy Mitchy has his horrifying bowling action and his mother to give away as fast as a Karate chop.
Durbhajan Singh has a Hummer that he will throw at your face with great fervor anytime, as long as the Hummer is to be driven on a flat track.
Even Paul Harris has smiles to give for free. He has to. Nobody wants his bowling, even when it is free.
So that makes them all-rounders.

But friends, you forgot to note one critical point. These things must come free, ALL THE TIME. Broad sometimes grows a beard, Witchy loves his mum, Durbhajan takes the Hummer back and Harris frowns. Jakes will give you a Sanex deodrant anytime. Even if you don't stink.

Showing hints of free products at one sale and not in the next three also disqualifies you from being an all-rounder. Unless you are injured, also all the time. Then we don't really know but we pretend to agree with you because you might sit on us and crush us.

So to recap, we like free stuff and it must be given to us consistently. We also like the perfect shoe and at no point are willing to sacrifice it for the free things. If you have just started to give us both we will take it, but we will not be convinced of your abilities till you have done it for at least a few years.

In conclusion, everybody wants to be an all-rounder. Doesn't fucking mean you are one. Get over it.

Ten things- this year

Ten unexpected things that happened in Cricket this year:

1. Aussies started liking Graeme Smith.
2. Andrew McDonald got selected for tests.
3. Netherlands won an international game against Stuart Broad.
4. Pakistan played in tests...and won one!
5. Chris Gayle gave us glimpses of his captaincy brain in a Test, of all things.
6. Bangladesh won four whole series.
7. My Herschelle's team won the IPL.
8. Sanath kept on going and did not break down.
9. Zimbabwe came back with a team (the lost part was expected)
10. India crashed out in the second round of a T20 World Cup.

Ten expected things that happened in Cricket this year:

1. Australia lost the Ashes in England.
2. South Africa crashed out of a ICC semi-final.
3. There was a problem with an Indian pitch.
4. Roy got sacked.
5. Daniel Vettori did it all.
6. Sri Lanka remained a yo-yo team.
7. Flintoff picked up an injury.
8. Chris Broad pissed us off.
9. Pakistan accused someone of match-fixing.
10. Tony Greig bored us to death.

Not an exhaustive list, but at least some of that took us by surprise. And the rest just reinstated our faith in the saying that some things never change.

No draws please!

NO! Pakistan is going to bat till the last test match is a draw. COWARDS!

C'mon, give the Kiwis a decent chance to bat. You have Aamer and Asif, what the fuck are you afraid of?

C'mon! It has been so awesome so far. Don't fucking play safe and ruin it ALL.

C'mon Kamran, GIVE UP YOUR WICKET. Don't worry about match fixing allegations. If you give it to Dan, no one will suspect you.

Collapse Pakistan collapse! Or declare.

Aah, Danish heard me.

YES! All out! Go Kiwis Go!

RAIN? But this is not South Africa...

Pakistan- the T20 specialists

I've been waiting to say that for a while now and even though it's unfair because the Kiwis played brilliantly, this is my chance and I refuse to let it go.

Pakistan can't play anything other than T20.

Even their people know it. They were outraged when Pakistan was excluded from the Champions League. But when they crashed out from the Champions Trophy, rather than focusing on the team they accused their captain of match-fixing. A match-fixing allegation for this one might still surface, I am watching the news closely. Maybe Younis Khan paid his team-mates to lose so the PCB can go crying to him again.

Their fast bowlers have been more than impressive, as is customary. Their batting, other than the Akmal brothers, was hideous. I say hideous because 9 of the wickets were on catches, 2 by the bowler and 3 by the wicket-keeper.

So what is it? Inexperience? But only 5 Kiwis in this team have played 20 or more test matches. That's one more than this Pakistani team. Even their man-of-the-match Bond, have played less than 20. And as for the conditions, well their bowlers didn't have any problems with it. And they are young AND inexperienced.

I say it's attention span. Any match more than four hours troubles the Pakistanis. Five days probably wants to make them tear their hair out. Or Shahid Afridi's. Whatever brings more joy.

Think I am full of shit? Go ahead, prove me wrong Pakistan. There are two more tests. Win the series and I will be the first one to say, 'Well what do you know? Pakistan can play tests after all!'. I am more likely to say "The Kiwis were shit and deserved to lose", but if you win, I'll make an attempt. There, now that it's written here, I can't even take it back.

Not that I would because once upon a time, nobody would have doubted a Pakistan win. But the Kiwis won and they were the bomb and Daniel Vettori should have a city named after him! After the series is won, we'll erect a school in that city titled:

'Dan's school for kids who want to Bat,Bowl,Coach,Captain and be a Selector without a magic wand'.

Needless to say I am going to be his first and most beloved student. You should enroll too.

Declare

Dravid got his century and Tendulkar is out. They have 464 runs on the board.

Now can India declare? Or are they waiting for Modi's orders?

In comes VVS Laxman.

*switches t.v. off*

Some time later...

527/4.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Wake up! Dan has started batting again!

*dances around in joy*

Umar Gul better sleep with one eye open tonight...NZ is but a mere 18 hours away...

Ideal Test Day

As Sri Lanka and India pile on runs after runs, I can't help but be more interested in the Kiwi vs Pak game. Note, the Indians scoring in abundance today has more to do with the Lankans and their ineffective bowling, but nevertheless, there is nothing great about teams reaching three-four hundred on Day 1. It is expected, i.e. boring. Specially when the first test made zombies wish they had never come alive.

So I prefer to focus on the other game. Reasons:

1. The match started with a yorker from a seventeen year old that resulted in a wicket. That seventeen year old is becoming my favourite player to watch. Considering his country has produced Wasim Akram, his talent is not surprising. But it is worrying that his country has also produced Shoaib Akhtar, whose sole focus since god knows when has been to entertain off the field rather than on it. I honestly don't want Aamer to waste his talent on acquiring gential warts but if Shoaib decides to mend his ways, it may have to happen...to carry on Shoaib's legacy.

2. After two wickets, there was a Kiwi fightback. Ross Taylor did extremely well to get his team back on track and then fell six runs short of his century. Talk about prime time drama.

3. Pakistan picked up six wickets. None of them went to Umar Gul. MUHAHAHAHAHA!

4. The day ended with yet another Kiwi fightback. This could become a Spartan war. Unfortunately without 300 abs.

5. Daniel Vettori is at the crease and should be getting a 50. Baz is also there, but I am blissfully ignoring him.

Let's take a picture of this day and fax it to India.

Rare sight

I don't mean it in a sarcastic way. I mean it in a should be seen more often way. A picture of the Kiwis with a trophy.


Look at them. The trophy fits in so well with their awesome uniforms. It also looks fitting in Dan's hands, but we already knew that. Why is Dan sitting in front of the others though? While he is easily the best Kiwi in the world by all standards, I find it kind of fucked that he is hogging the limelight. Specially when Baz was the Man of the Series. It's becoming a trend with cricketers. Take away their positions or drop them from the team and all of a sudden they start performing. You know I'm just grumbling because I never liked Baz in the first place and now he is making me eat my words. Hmph!

I am also grumbling because I wanted to write a long post about Pakistan not being able to play anything other than T20 again, but stupid Aamer's fightback was brilliant and now I can't make jokes about it.

No, I can still take a jab at Afridi. Afridi is a big blob of beautiful hair. That's all he is. Instead of brains, he has shampoo and conditioner bottles stuffed in his skull. The days he performs, science puts it down as an inexplicable mystery and classifies it under the X-files. The file is not that thick either. Mostly, it has complex mathematics trying to decipher how Afridi defied the concept of age by remaining seventeen for years.

I feel better now.

Dan the team man

He's still in the team, just the one where everybody is a fucking broken doll and there is nobody to fix them. Picking up a hamstring injury before the finals! Knowing that the rest of the team wiggles like a bunch of worms when he is not around. SHITHEAD!

Even Elliott has become a New Zealander without Dan. Elliott you jackass, you are South African! Which means you actually CAN beat the Aussies.

Oh what's the point! It's all over anyway. Just when we thought ODI's have a future, Daniel chicken Vettori puts a knife through them. It's all his fault. And Australia's. They really know how to suck the life out of a final. I can't remember the last time the men in yellow played in a final match that had a thrilling finish. They are the World Champions right? It's their responsibility to make sure people watch ODI cricket. So even if the other team plays like this is their second day at the game, the Aussies should fuck up to make things interesting.

Maybe if I call upon the ghost of Mitchell Johnson at Lords....

Just to cheer you Kiwi fans up!

Thank you, come again!

Grant Elliott's message to Pakistan. He was being a good host of course. Confused? Grant Elliot is a born Saffer who left the country in 2001. And you thought I only supported the Kiwis because of their badly-bearded, magnificent captain. Well, I didn't. They have the South African connection. Actually, I didn't know till a few hours ago that he was a Saffer, but I am going to pretend anyway. And don't you dare suggest that by that theory, I should be a supporting England as well. They went to the nation that thinks all of cricket is defined by one miserable urn...the contents of which are not even properly known! So it's not happening.

Right, back to Grant Elliott. How awesome is he? Playing the role of a stabilizer while the wickets were tumbling and then unleashing like the starving lions in my basement at the right time. Scoring 16 AMAZING runs off Umar Gul. Gul the fool had no answers to the belting. And he is supposed to be Pakistan's best death bowler. Beaten to a pulp by a Saffer. It warmed my heart and brought the temperature up to a wonderful zero degrees.

Clearly he was bowling out of his...

Let's spare some love for the Kiwis now. Ian freaking Butler...what a man! Actually he isn't. He has under 30 wickets in his career so far and was only selected for the team when 007 got injured. He was also the softie who sat out the first part of the tournament because of a stomach bug. But he got the wickets of Akmal, Malik AND Afridi. The three Pak batsmen that could have let loose all hell on the Black Caps. Yup, shown to the door by a Butler all right! Okay that was terrible. But the Kiwis won and I don't care.

Again, no New Zealand post will be complete without the mentioning of Dan the man. So here we go. Three great wickets, a promotion of himself up the order and 41 runs told us what we already knew. Dan is the most cleverest Kiwi alive. And he is the real Harry Potter. One day, Kiwis everywhere will fly because of him.

A similar picture to the one below, and the type of wicket that lead to this pathetically arrogant celebration has haunted me since the semi-finals of the T20 World Cup. Now it just makes me laugh. A psychotic laughter that Afridi can clearly hear. Hence the lack of joy in his expression.

Black Caps in the semis?

It's a possibility. Remember I told you that the Kiwis have a habit of sneaking into the semis? They did it in the Champions Trophy in 2000 and 2006 and in the World Cup in 1992,1999 and 2007. They actually won the CT in 2000.

And now they have a chance to do it again. The Kiwis did what Sri Lanka or South Africa couldn't do. Murder England. The Pommies made 146, and the Kiwis have to make 139 to qualify for the semis. Don't you love it when you wish for something and it finally comes true? Well, I shouldn't be too happy yet. The Kiwis still have to bat and its a tough pitch apparently.

This next bit might shock you, so sit down. Dan bowled only 1.1 overs, conceded 2 runs and got 1 wicket. I know what you are thinking and it is correct. Elliot, 007, Butler and Mills got the rest of the wickets. That's four out of five Kiwi bowlers, minus Dan. Did you hurt yourself from the fall? I told you to sit down for this. Even Dan did.

My lovelies can bowl!

So what is the Kiwi secret? They are always the Underdogs. Even when they are playing fantabulously nobody takes them seriously. While everybody's involved in an over-the-top, highly dramatic struggle, the Black Caps just quietly slip out, take the spot and run! Till they reach the semis. Then they crash out.

Interestingly, it's been nine years since the Kiwis won an ICC tournament, despite having reached the final four a number of times. Sounds like a certain team in green...see? They are so clever that nobody even realized that they consistently fail at the same stage as the Saffers. I like. I like a lot.

New Zealand heard us

They tried guys. They won against Sri Lanka to give the Saffers a chance. We messed it up big time.

Somebody scored 74 runs off 58 balls and gave Ryder the credit. The real Jesse was sitting down and chilling under the sun.

See?

Dan was impressive with both the ball and the bat. As is customary of him in this current Kiwi side. I wonder how many M-O-M awards Dan has. Hopefully enough to buy a new team :P.

Although some of the bowlers showed up today as well. Other than 007. More like 00 fullstop. The Kiwis need to find a new fast bowler. Seriously. It's high time.

Dilshan nearly killed their chances, as he is the lone Lankan assassin. Jayawardene wanted in on the action but couldn't save the match. Koolboy Kula also contributed. I was saddened by Kandambi's failure however. He should always score big. Just as a birth-right kind of thing.

I am really sorry I didn't wake up at 3am to watch this match. I haven't watched a brilliant NZ performance in a long time. I just hope they do the same on Tuesday to avenge South Africa. If they do, I'll write something nice about Ryder. I promise!