Fat isn't the new fit

Hello India,

I flew across weights and cardio machines to bring you important news. It is imperative that you listen. Put down that bowl of lipids stuffed in cholestrol and drenched in soluble carbs and listen to me:

FAT ISN'T THE NEW FIT

It wasn't the new fit when Ranatunga sported and it wasn't the new fit when Shane Warne sported it. It won't be the new fit today, nor tomorrow. Deal with it.

What is the definition of fat you ask? Well, it's simple really.

If you  ripped your pants while taking a catch, you are fat.
If you took your shirt off to dance and the camera had to move away, or people watching television had to blindfold themselves, you are fat.
If you are wearing baggy, sportswear and people can make you that your belly is related to Yokozuna, you are fat.
If your coach is 42 and able to beat you at 'who can reach the other end of the pitch faster', you are fat.
If your name is Yuvraj, Zaheer, Suresh or Rohit, you are fat.

And if you are fat, you ain't fit.

So my friends in blue, hit the gym, do those lunges, lift a tonne, run like the wind...just leave Harbhajan behind. Muscles aren't his thing. Neither is bowling but what the hell!

And when all this is over, kindly upload pictures on Twitter. The world needs proof. Social networking and Iphones will help you get the evidence to them.

 This ain't no joke son

Okay, maybe it is a joke. Give me a hug, Gary will let us play irrespective of waist sizes

For more inspirational pictures, go here.

Injustice magnified

1) Environmental Injustice: Yuvraj Singh dancing i.e. moving his hands, legs, head, fingers, belly all at the same time (a rare occurence), to aggravate those who live in the centre of the earth. And we wonder why there are so many earthquakes these days.

2) Artistic Injustice: Allowing Durby to enter a cricket field where people make history is bad enough. Allowing him to be on a stage (any stage) where artists create magic is not far behind. Especially if Shahrukh Khan and him are re-enacting some sort of a mating dance by bulls.

3) Vertical Injustic: Making other people feel bad about not being as tall as Ishtant Sharma. Guys, if you have seen him bowl, you will know that he is short in places where it matters.

4) National Injustice: Adam Gilchrist and Shahrukh Khan grinding. Both wearing belly dancer's belts. Australians and Indians watching in horror as the two nations come closer than they would have liked.

Business minded

Since none of you have kindly pointed it out, I will say it myself.

I ran two campaigns for two players, Gibbs and Morkel. Eventually, both of them made it back to the team. All because of my tedious work.

I also injured Broad, Yuvraj and Ryder during the Champions Trophy. Because I don't like them. I wanted Dilshan to be injured against the Deshis and he duly obliged after the first ODI. Once, I even did some black magic on Dhoni so he wouldn't score past 10 against Sri Lanka. He scored 5. I can't find the link to that, you will just have to take my word for it. Then of course, I made Watto go out in the 90's countless number of times. Just for fun.

I have come to the conclusion that it is not a coincidence. I can make things happen. So I have decided to use it for the good of mankind. I am going to offer you my services in exchange for love.

I will injure and campaign for anybody from any team. You just name them. But please know that if they are against the Saffers and Deshis, or a Saffa/Deshi that you want injured there will be loop holes. You won't know them of course, till I actually tell you.

But go ahead. Ask away. I am at your service.

Bad news

Graeme Smith is thin children. Look, he even drinks diet coke.

I had kept on making jokes about his weight till now because I was unsure. But with the diet coke so aptly placed next to his...I'll say it, flat stomach (*boohoo*), who can deny his weight loss?

What now? How will I go through life without his sausage fingers? Jesse Ryder's injured and Kandambi, I like. Yuvi is too easy a target.

Another bad news is that Barbie's shorts are too short and you will now have to behold this horrendous sight.

I apologise. But think of all those people who had to see it up close and personal and bear it for them. Do it for the English player that has to sleep in the same hotel room as Barbie. Do it for mankind.

Again, very sorry.

Bangladesh bowling

Bangladesh is probably the only international team in cricket right now that can't bowl their fast bowlers a full ten overs. And not just because they lose the game way before the 50 overs are done, but because Shakib and sometimes another spinner bowls 10.

Fine and dandy. The quickies get whacked, Shakib goes to slow shit down. The difference? The other team wins with a minimum 15 balls remaining instead of the average 507.

To be fair, they won the toss only once and elected to bat first like idiots. So we can't really say if the bowling is just that horrible or it's the dew that's deciding the game.

Again, fine and dandy. Doesn't change the fact that we don't have a wicket-taking bowler.

Shakib can't do it all.
The batsmen can't keep on scoring well and then watch their hard work go down the drain.
Then of course there are the days when both Shakib and the batsmen sleep through the whole game.

In all three types of matches, we don't have a single wicket taking bowler. I miss Mortaza so much I wish I could watch him bowl during the death overs.

And my posts on Bangladesh are getting as repetitive as their result.

Also, India is playing Sri Lanka. Again.

I think these two teams are caught in a bizarre cycle formed by the combined efforts of Yuvraj and Kandambi's bellies. Not a very nice place to be in, is it boys?

Get out already. Before you kill us all.

Dear Santa, from the Indians

Dear Santa,

Everybody is mad at me because I didn't let Uncle score a century. But Uncle told me, why worry? I have enough. This I gift to you. So I took it and hit a six. But no one knows and Uncle is too tired from all those years of carrying India on his shoulders to make a statement. Can you please dress up as Uncle and make a public statement? You already have the curly hair. Just dye it black and shave the beard for a day. Okay? Okay. Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

When I was a young boy, I was thin. Now I am still a young boy but I am fat. It's all those hugs from Preity Zinta. She squeezes my sides so hard that all my fat come and accumulate in the lower middle gut. I have told her to stop but she won't listen. Now my fingers have fat in them and it is too much work to carry the bat. What I want for Christmas is the Mongoose bat so that it's easier to carry and my sausage fingers don't have to do too much work. Thank you!


Dear Santa,

Since I am already brilliant as a spinner and a pinch-hitter, all I want for Christmas is a red turban. That is all. I have everything else you see, including a life-long spot in the starting XI. Merry Christmas!

KP Claus

Dear Santa,

Since I am home for Christmas this year, I would like to give special gifts to those who have adopted me into their hearts. I would like them to know that even though I am loving every bit of my home-coming, I am always 100% English. So please make sure you give these to them from me.

For Barbie: A very pissed off Yuvraj Singh. Trotty told me that's how Broady likes him, not sure why.

For Straussy: The handbook I wrote when I was captain of England. I really feel he could learn from me.

For Swanny: A new chin. He is rather envious of my looks (Between you and me, he really wishes he looked South African)

For Bresy: A book of Afrikaans slang so the ECB can't chastise him anymore. He really needs it, that dom fokker.

For Ravi: The Ashes Dvd. Oh wait, is he even in it? Can you photo shop him in please?

For Cooky: A video of his last few innings so he can learn from his mistakes. What's that? He has it already? Oh...let's get him a brain then.

For Colly: Also a handbook I wrote on captaincy. But this is when I was captain of BRC.

That will be all this Christmas. I do have to spend the rest of my money on my lovely wife and Anil might not let me play next season. Which reminds me, please send Anil my love. I better start sucking up to him from now.

Shame

Singh is carrying twins in his womb, Punter is getting direct hits.
Singh doesn't have a wife, Punter is a father.
Yuvraj Singh is 27, Ricky Ponting is 34.

Fitness is a lost concept on some. I am hoping 'some' does not include the entire next generation of cricketers.

The good, the bad and the funny

The Good:
- Bangladesh winning against Zimbabwe...cricket makes sense again
-Australia losing...BAHAHAHAHAHA
-Ashraful scoring 63 at long last! But Tamim overshadowing his return to the score board with a 80 was a thousand times better
-Enamul Haque Jnr continuing to take wickets
-Not having to watch Yuvraj's jiggly belly because of errands

The Bad:
-Hamilton scoring more than Tamim. (I am not impressed)
-India winning
-Yuvraj Singh scoring 78
-Adopted son Mushfiq scoring only 4
-Bangladesh's middle order collapsing
-Not getting to watch Moises bowl because of errands

The Funny:
-Australian bowlers
-Chigumbura going for 28 runs in his 4 overs
-Moises replacing Brett Lee. The Oz selectors really should try their hand at comedy
-Ricky Ponting giving the ball to Adam Voges and then Adam Voges giving 13 runs in one over
-Yuvraj Singh giving his wicket to Moises
-Moises looking more surprised than elated with his maiden ODI wicket. I had a similar expression

It didn't go over the ropes? What does that mean?

Broad down, none to go

Nobody realized that every player I dislike has been injured during the course of the Champions Trophy. I tried to give hints. I said it on KK's site. I even put up a complete list of injuries (before Clarke, Ryder and Broad) and people still didn't put it together.

Go read the comments section. I admitted to injuring Yuvraj and said Ryder was next on the list. Who was the next to go? Ryder. Then KK asked me to injure Broad.

Who has been injured now?

Stuart Broad. More specifically, Stuart Broad's left buttocks. I did it for my friends. I am loyal like that.

Although I must admit that I was not looking to injure that particular area. I was just chasing him with a knife,wearing a mask. He tripped over Tim Bresnan and Graeme Swann, doing something naughty in the dark, and landed on top of Jimmy. Who bit him, thinking he was a tall box of golden, crispy fries. That tightness that he is complaining about, it's Jimmy's plaques. They tend to hold on like bitches.

Still don't believe me? Here:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/cricket/2661969/Broad-injury-is-tush-and-go.html

No need to thank me.I know, you are "tushed". I can't blame you. I am a lovely person after all.

Champions Trophy injury list

South Africa: Herschelle Gibbs
What: Strained rib muscle
How: Once upon a time a Buffalo was born. Twenty-eight years later he hit my bald man with his 200 pound tail.
Prognosis: Batting a little, should be back to kick some English ass on Sunday.

India: Virender Sehwag
What: Shoulder injury
How: Carrying a trillion dollar shawl on his shoulders at a fashion show.
Prognosis: Will not be available for the Champions Trophy.

India: Yuvraj Singh
What: Fractured finger
How: Eating too many hamburgers.
Prognosis: Out for 6 weeks by the grace of everything good and pure.

New Zealand: Jacob Oram
What: Damaged hamstring
How: He thought he was a real life Kiwi and tried to 'fly' from a window. He also thought Kiwis could fly.
Prognosis: Still to be assessed. We are breathlessly waiting for some news.

New Zealand: Ian Butler
What: Umm..stomach bug
How: Ravi Bopara thought he was Ian Bell and sneezed on his food to stop him from taking his spot in the team.
Prognosis: Hasn't trained with the team yet. Not that it makes a difference.

Pakistan: Younis Khan
What: Hairline fracture on his little finger
How: For touching Afridi's hair with that finger
Prognosis: Hopes to be fit for India on Saturday. Something tells me he will be.

England: Kevin Pietersen
What: Achilles tendon surgery that didn't heal according to plan
How: The initial injury happened when his wife kicked him for not coming to watch her dance. It didn't heal properly because he kicked it again to make sure he stayed back in England to work on his accent.
Prognosis: Hopefully out till the end of time.

Australia: Shane Watson
What: The smallest bone in his ear
How: He realized he has been fit for more than a fortnight. So he played the guitar till his ear bone broke.
Prognosis: Won't know till the next injury comes around. Which will be soon.

More Champions Trophy build-up

Ten non-cricketing reasons you should watch the Champions Trophy:

1. Some of the other options of staying connected to cricket involve following Graeme Swann on Twitter and being subjected to this:

"my god i've scrubbed up well today. shower, shave, sh*t and a sausage sandwich. i feel like james bond"

Ian Fleming's zombie is in town. If you see him, please tell him how to get to Swann. Thanks.

2. Makhaya has a new hairstyle.


3. The performers. How cool are they?


4. You can finally sit on your couch all day long watching t.v. and being unproductive.

5. The infinite amount of time you can spend after already being unproductive for the day, engaging in debates, arguments and predictions.

6. Sanath Jayasuriya, even when he is not batting. Because his head is either too small or too big compared to his body. I can't decide which. It's really rather mysterious.


7. To figure out whose beard is more magnificent. Amla's or Yusuf's?

They have secrets hidden in there you know...

8. To see Ryder's reaction when he realizes that there is a new contender in the 'Who is the fattest cricketer' competition .

The Punajb XI might lose but Yuvi doesn't!

9. Ricky Ponting will keep us updated through his Facebook fan page. How will you know what Ricky's great thoughts are in reference to if you don't watch?

10. Obama will be playing for the West Indies!