Oh Maky, you're so fine...

For those of you who don't know, Makhaya Ntini is currently playing for Kent. For those of you who do know, know how late I am in typing this up. But it's better late than never. A phrase Ntini's fans are saying right now, after his tremendous 10 wicket haul in a game that won the match for Kent. Against Durham too, who are currently the Champions in county cricket. A few months ago everybody thought Ntini's career is over.

Better late than never Maky, better late than never.

I had the misfortune of only being able to watch it on ECB's crappier than crap videos, from one angle, but it still looked pretty good. Durham are first divison after all plus this will do wonders for the man's confidence. Now the question is, should Makhaya be given his test spot back?

It's not happening against the West Indies. As far as I know, the squad for that has been selected already. Plus they have Ryan McLaren and hopefully Wayne Parnell, who really should try and grow some extra veins and capillaries or something so he can get better FASTER. Lopsy apparently has also been kept for the tests. Don't ask me why.

The next test they play is against India in December and afterwards theyleave for the World Cup. Makhaya will be almost 34 by then.

Is it worth it to give Makhaya a shot in one or two tests only before he retires?

You tell me. I personally would love to see him back but recognize that it is probably taking away another younger player's time and opportunity. Hasn't Maky lived his glory days already? The guy is the second highest wicket taker in County Cricket this season already. Sure it's a step down from international cricket but it's still cricket isn't it? Dale Benkenstein (yes, he is alive!), plays for Durham now. When was the last time he played international cricket? He is doing just fine.

Of course comparing Benkenstein to Ntini is utter stupidity. The man is nowhere near the fast bowling legend. But I am really confused and I seriously want to know where we draw the line with a legend, if we were to take out favouritism, personal wishes, political agendas and basic misleading hopes and dreams out of the equation.

Is it time to say goodbye to Makhaya? Kent will gladly keep him, plus he is one of the brand ambassadors of FIFA 2010 so don't feel too bad for him. He has plenty to do and plenty of teams that still want him. He just doesn't fit in with the Proteas anymore.

Seriously?

Those of you who watched Gilly and Gibbs bat will be saying the same thing.

Seriously?

There was once a 80 something year old woman crossing the street with groceries, shuffling quickly so she could reach the other end  before the sign changed. She moved faster than Deccan's scoreboard in the whole match.

Seriously.

Ideally, these two players would not have played in the semis. But they did because Gilly is the captain and you can't drop the captain for bad form (But honestly, you should be allowed to in important matches!) and Gibbsy got a game purely because of his big-match kaboom reputation. It was a stinky, big-match kapoop performance.

Chennai bowled exceptionally well, but Deccan batted like cripples who have been further hindered by the neighbour's dogs latching onto their backside. Behind every unsuccessful Deccan batsman, there is a giant fucking labrador.

Seriously.

Now, Chennai are in the finals facing Mumbai and I am miserable. I dislike both teams and want neither to win. But if I HAD to pick (because of the same ass-grabbing labradors), I would go for Chennai. It was simply a case of who I hate more, Durby or teams that dress like Australians. Turns out Durby takes the cake. A big one. Smack on his face.

Unfortunately, I am cursed so this means Mumbai will win and I will frown ever so slightly because really, the best part of this IPL final is the fact that the T20 WC starts in seven days. IPL is O-V-E-R.

Seriously.

Saffa spinners are officially woeful

Why state the obvious? Because the selectors have the daunting task of choosing the one that is less horrendous for the upcoming test.
Fortunately, making a comparison of crap is much easier than making deciding between the best. For example, if Parnie and Tsotsobe were fighting over the third bowling spot (which they are-Ryan McLaren is in the scuffle too), things would be tougher. If we were to go by yesterday's performance in the warm up game.

But the grass IS much greener on the other side. Take Paul Harris' crap figures in yesterday's game into consideration, and they scream FUCKING PISSOFF/CON-ARTIST/BATSHIT! Or simply 12-0-71-5.91.

Then, when you are all cried out, you go take a look at Johan Botha's figures. Botha is the man right? Our capable vice-captain. Well, okay. As much of a man as you can be with 12-0-44-1-3.66. Slightly better. Botha may not be batshit but I doubt he has the skills to win a test match.

So it's a classic case of shit vs shit. And although it looks like Botha may have won this round what about their other skills?

Botha's short, sometimes sweet-sometimes bitter, high variety batting. In the ODI's. We can't remember what he used to do in tests. Whatever he does, he will be reported for chucking. Or maybe it's baseball when it comes to the batting action.
Versus Harris' jolly, "I want to score a century" batting. Never will he score a century, yet when he goes out, it seems to be his sole purpose. The whole time he bares his teeth like he is in a romantic comedy. But at least we remember how he bats in tests. That makes the score 1-1.

Then we move on to the fielding. None of them are known for their impressive fiedling skills. Sure, a good catch here and there, but it's only when the ball decides to land in the soft hands of a spinner having been roughed up enough. They are the manicurists of the cricket world. Batsmen are the pedicurists, with their dancing feet. Fast bowlers, they are just callous and unpolished.
So the only way to decide the fielding category is to judge who makes for more pleasant viewing.

Botha has an okay face, proportionate to his body and a nice shape. However, Paul Harris has that hair that has a life of it's own. Very entertaining to watch. We don't even need to go beyond that.
But Paul Harris is also too tall, which leads to neck sprains and back aches. Not to mention being unable to look where we have been looking always, straight ahead, at par with our eye level. It's very annoying.

Then, in a completely unrelated category, Botha can fly.

It's unfair I know. Giants can't get their mass to move upwards, but Harris can't get his ball to do that either. So it's 3-2 to Botha.

Congrats Botes! You are the chosen shitty one.

T4D4: Morne, draw and some more fridge

I have an important question: what is the exact definition of infidelity? If I have Morne's babies and keep on thinking about Dale the whole time, does it make me an infidel? Because I need to have Morne's babies now. It's not even a wish, a dire need, not for me but for South African cricket. If I have 4 kids with Dale and 4 with Morne, that's four generations of dangerous opening bowlers for the Saffers. One or two of them might even blog badly. Regardless, We don't have to cry for the Donald-Pollock days, EVER. So is infidelity really bad when it's for the greater good?

Other than the fact that the Morne-Steyn combo has finally arrived after a long, long wait for Saffa fans (since Allan's retirement to be exact) another piece of history has been made in this fourth test. It rained...AND THE SAFFERS STILL WON! Bet you didn't realize that eh? 

I am slightly sad that this series is over but so god damn relieved that the Saffers levelled! However, I don't think they should be all that happy. They drew. Against England. At home. They should have fucked up the Pommies so bad they would never ever have wanted to return to Saffaland. Instead fucking England proved to be a resilient side. I think it's the South African tea. I'll say it. England... played... well... FUCKERS!

Of course some very dodgy selection decisions and Paul Harris helped. Paul, as much as I like you...fuck you! Just a little. You are South African after all.

Ryan can bat and JP can spin. So what happens to Paul now? Actually what happens to JP? He can get wickets yes, but tiny man...you...ARE A BATSMAN! At least that's what we thought! There's some talk about him being an all-rounder. Umm...NO. Failing with one and doing well with another in a test does not make him an all-rounder. Jakes seriously needs to put that definition on a t-shirt and wear it.

All-rounder: JACQUES FUCKING KALLIS. Dumbasses.

Graeme Swann and Bouchie-the man won man of the series. I thought Paul Collingwood deserved it more than Swannyg66. This is not spurred by my dislike for Swann. Think about it. Had Colly's innings not moved at the pace of a turtle at Centurion and Cape Town, there would have been ample time to get that fucker Onions. Even with Makhaya bowling.

Speaking of Makhaya, his fridge seems to have given birth to three more. CSA didn't want to pay for their food and electricity, so gave them to Jakes, Ashy P and Bouch. Ashy P is going to use it to freeze his brain some more.

Lastly, Andrew Strauss got booed for talking about the frustration with the review system. Ricky Ponting is buying the Wanderers crowd beer. Cheers guys!

T4D1: Dale, have my babies

I had a dream before tuning into the game today. I dreamt that South Africa won the toss and the Biff-headed individual decided to bat first, leading to a massacre of Saffa batsmen and a flurry of wickets. Little did I know that my subconscious was already watching the game and feeding me all sorts of wrong information. I think my subconscious may be English...BLASMEPHY!

Anyway, so if you don't want to have Dale's babies after that performance, you are demented...or think Stuart Broad is a bowler. The wicket I enjoyed the most was that of Andrew fucking Strauss. I also briefly contemplated having Amla's children after that catch, but the guy is married. So I will let him be.

Heartbreaker Morne got three, two of which were leg-before. Although one of them was probably a no ball. Barbie was 'astonished' and I think KP called the umpire an asshole. Daryl Harper's family better start saying a prayer for him, he might not be returning home from this tour.

Ryan McLaren replaced Paul Harris. Not a bad idea, but can Ryan McLaren bat? 'Cause Harro can you know...in his own awkward, "I always have a strange smile on my face" way.

Wayne also made his debut and was crap. Had he and Ryan not bowled, the Poms would have been out much sooner. But I grudgingly forgive them because they are debutants after all. However, here is a little something for them to 'grow' in the second innings: "Stick to the basics fuckers, the rest will happen on its own. Have you not watched the Poms bat?"

Prior, KP and Barbie have inspired many shitty kids who now believe they can be selected for the national team despite batting like a bunch of Under12s. Wait, I'm missing one. Oh yes! Fighter Colly Buttniggle. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.

At this point, I must share with you a line I read somewhere (can't remember where) after the first test. "England only collapse once in every series. This was it and South Africa have failed to capitilize on it". So evidently, what we saw today and in the third test was not a collapse. It's just the English batsmen politely thanking the Saffers for their hospitability over the past few months. How very proper of them!

I am seriously happy with this day. No, the world is not ending. Dale Steyn on top form always gets that reaction from me. I want to share with you my happiness, hence this special picture:

His smile is as horrifying as my happy face...

Of course Ashy P and his high score of 15 are still at the crease and this is a bowling pitch. So tomorrow all this may change. Unless Pee on the Ashes survives Jimmy like he did today.

Guess who's back?

After running an intense campaign for three months, we have finally been able to get Morne back on the squad. By we I mean me, but if you are a Morne lover and have been secretly sending mental hate messages to Procter, we thank you too.

It has also been reported that Parnell has finally realized that a sprained ankle is not a legitimate injury, specially when you have been caught dancing on that ankle. Shame on you Parnie for not declaring yourself fit earlier. But you can make up for it by taking 10 wickets. Okay 9, we'll give one to Morne.

The question is who will Morne and Parnie replace? Ryan McLaren is possibly going to be shown the door which is fine because he hasn't been mindblowing. Morne will either replace Charl or Dale. That almost sounded like the two chipmunks. Except I bet the chipmunks won't be such a big embarrassment with a cricket ball.

There's also a chance that Morne has been brought back to scare Dale into being good again. Which means Morne might be spending most of his time warming the benches while Dale finally wakes up and uproots every single batsman's wickets. Not a dream comeback, but Morne is a team man. He will do anything to help the Proteas win. Plus, he already has Allan's love and blessings. What more does he need?

Now that the right choices have been finally made, I will celebrate the return of my Herschelle in the team and remind you all that I was initially devastated when he was dropped. The post on him not being needed in the team was a momentary lapse of sanity.

My Hersch has been given another chance to save his international career.
My Hersch is going to make Tim Bresnan sorry he ever picked up a ball.
My Hersch is going to show Albertus how to fucking clear the boundary.
My Hersch will beat the crap out of AB de Villiers for not scoring when it matters.

Let the games begin.

Adjectives

Disgusting: Dale Steyn losing his ability to pick up wickets so early in his career.

Shameful: Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL (seriously reconsidering the adoption now) bowling worse than part-time spinner JP.

Fucktard: Whoever sent Albie ahead of Bouch, when they were five down in the 33rd over. When has Albie EVER played the role of an innings consolidator?

Illegal: Hash getting to a half century and then getting out to a Ashraful-like shot.

Impressive: Ryan McLaren at least trying to mess with the batsmen (not really but I'm drowning in a sea of negativity here!)

Moronic: Biff and his sideburns.

Useless: AB de Villiers, who can't fucking get a decent score when it matters i.e. should NOT be batting 2 down.

Parnell still injured

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? On the one hand, he has been unable to control his run giving urges. On the other hand, he does pick up wickets regularly. And with the current SA bowling line up's wonderful ability to do everything but, Parnie might be the crucial missing link. Ryan McLaren is doing fine so far, but picking up the slack of Dale, Albie and Botha is difficult on your own. Also, I have no idea how McLaren will fare in the ODI's. Two games against Zimbabwe doesn't count for anything.

So Parnie needs to recover fast. I don't even know where his injury is...he sure doesn't look injured in these pictures.

Parnie can't dance which is why he needs to return on the field...NOW!

Gently! The boy needs his arm!

I just realized that I always complain when the boys are having fun. If I was a team manager, I would make a scary one wouldn't I? Make them march to the field, training in absolute silence, eating on my command, then chaining them up to their beds at night so that they can't escape. Not that they'd ever hire me! But what if this is exactly what the Saffers need? Something to think about.

In case I did get hired, I would wear this hard hat and headbutt anyone that opposes me. Cricket South Africa has a fabulous marketing team I must say.


I would also give one to Kevin Pietersen, just because of that 100% South African line.