It didn't go well boys

I woke up and had a heart attack because SA were 11/2. Well, it wasn't that great of a heart attack because one of the men gone were Graeme Smith. I don't like him. Specially when he decides to drag the ball onto his own stumps.

Playing for the Aussies are we Smithy?
(Please get Majeed on the phone)

Anyway, that aside, it was a disaster. Darling Duminy tried his best and god some of his shots were beautiful. But hey, guess what...Aussies can bowl! Who the fuck is this Cummins and why, oh why does he have that haircut?
Most importantly, how did the Aussies find a T20 bowler that is neither Dougie, Binga nor Nannes?

And who the hell did SA have? Rusty...and the rest had names but they were all in fact...rusty. As in out of practice. Yeah I know, I am rusty too.

But who gives a shit? SA lost. And they actually lost quite pathetically. Dropped catches (three: Graeme-WHO HAS FAT HOOVES FOR HANDS, Botha, BOTHA AGAIN), missed runs outs, inability to stop easy singles, shitty bowling.

Should I go on? It doesn't even sound like the South African team I know.

Stop going on vacation guys, enough is enough! And do not feed me that, this is only T20 shit. It's a game against Australia. THIS SHALL NOT BE TAKEN LIGHTLY!

Hash didn't impress either. But it's okay, because I like him.

I'm such a fool.

P.s: Where is my son?

Warding off injuries

I am not entirely surprised that Australia's bowlers are continuously injured. They have tormented so many teams for so long that all the curses, voodoos and black magic have finally caught up with them. Sure, Shane Warne didn't turn into a toad and Witchy didn't croak like a crow, but he did have to sit this series out because of the most ridiculous injury, an elbow infection caused by a tattoo. Second only to the English buttniggle pandemic of 2009. And in place of Shane Warne, Hauritz.. their.. ahem..next best spinner (*cough*traded down*cough*) now has a foot injury.

Normally, I would laugh. Well, I laughed this time too but then England started to win and Broad came on television a few too many times celebrating wickets. It made me violently ill. So for the sake of my health, I am giving the Aussies tips on how to ward off the injuries before they lose the entire series. I did cast most of them after all.

First, take a handful of Glenn's hair and then put them on Bolly's head. Then make sure Josh touches Bolly's tomato face before bowling. Give the little Piglet a.k.a Smith some ciggies to make him spin like Warne. Ask Twatto to give Bon Jovi of the 80's his hair back and as for Ryano, lower his chest for fuck's sakes!

Lastly, before they all go out, make them- and this is important- listen to Brett Lee songs.

Of course it also helps to win the toss and not choose to bat first with a piss weak bowling attack against a line up that bats deep. But I am not about to give you tips on how to get through to your hairy little goblin.

P.S: When I first wrote this I forgot all about Clinkt McKay, which is exactly how he should be kept injury free. Forget about him and keep him off the field.

Bowling is skin deep

When Binga was injured for the umpteenth time Dougie B packed his bags and waited for the call. Actually, he might have waited even before Binga injured himself. Everybody knew it was coming. He is paying back mankind for unleashing his atrocious Hindi song upon us. One injured limb for every record sold.

But the call never came. Dougie waited with his tomato face till someone gave him a squeeze and said,
"The peacock is in its way, Dougie"

"Why Hildy why?" Dougie asked.

No answer.

Dougie and Harris arrived at the IPL at the same time, both were easily the best bowlers of the tournament and both won matches for their teams. Dougie's team...eventually...won...the IPL!

So when the time came to replace Binga and Hilfy was still unavailable, most thought the new IPL3 champions AND the one who kept his Aussie colours with his IPL team, would be an automatic choice. But it was not to be. It was Ryan Harris who got the call, the same Ryan Harris whose chest is placed too highly, just like a peacock's.

How can Binga, one of the prettiest men in cricket, be replaced by Dougie tomato face? Getting people to come watch the games in the Windies is tough enough and on top of that they lose Binga and his applebutt. So they replace the butt, with a chest.

Dougie has none of this. I mean, the man makes Simon Katich look handsome for fuck's sakes!

No, Dougie has no place in the Australian squad. Not when he is replacing Brett Lee. Not when the people will come back to watch Ryan Harris till they can figure out why his chest is so oddly placed.

Unless Witchy picks up an injury and McKay, MacDonald, Moises, McGrath and Bracken are all unavailable.

Mystery

There is something I need your help with. I need you to identify a body. It's not dead. It's very much alive and strutting its stuff on the dance floor like Beyonce on drugs.

The individual has been identified on photo captions as Cameron Leon White. If it sounds familiar, you are probably not wrong. That is the name of Australia's polar bear-like ODI sensation. Maybe even future captain. But further investigation shows that Cameron Leon White does not look like this:

He looks like this:

So the question remains, who is this red haired person impersonating Cam White and why didn't the IPL security people check his ID before allowing him to slander White's good name all over the dance floor? I mean look at that booty! Even the girl in the red dress has nothing on him!

I also like how Brett Lee looks away, while keeping a straight face.

It sucks to be Brett Lee

This is not a continuation of the Buffalo post, but I couldn't find a more apt title for the disaster that is Binga's career. No hear me out, it IS a disaster.

First of all, the injuries. Oh so many of them! And even though he looks, dresses, sings like Twatto he is hardly an opener who knows how to bowl. He is a fast bowler and those folks pick up injuries that break them down. One at a time. Binga's elbow and knees have endured so much, the Federal Mutant Detectors are keeping an eye on him.
I lie. There is no such thing, but if there was Binga would be on their list.

Second of all, he has to be the only fast bowler in the world who got sidelined/dropped from the team despite being in good form. He hasn't lost the ability to take wickets, he hasn't lost his pace, he is still fit (minus that apple butt...has anyone noticed that THAT thing never changes shape?)...and yet he is not in the starting XI! It's not his fault really. A tirade of young fast bowlers have emerged for the Aussies in all three formats and it's probably the right way to go. But that's hardly a consolation for Tweety man right?

Third, his IPL stint. This is really based on today's game but very little is going well for him these days. Sure he got chosen for the WC T20 because of the IPL, but is he going to get a game? If Nannes is fit (evidently he is now injured) and Shaun Tait continues to be the speedy bastard that he is, Binga will be the drinks man. Oh wait, Witchy's in the squad. So Binga will probably have to sit in the dressing room with his guitar.

Which brings us to the fourth problem, his music. Yes, he is going to be writing the official song for WC 2011 but that doesn't mean we will like it. And neither does it mean he is a rock star. Cricket Australia needed a gentle way to inform him that he will not be getting a game and ICC wanted to make some budget cuts. So the two brainstormed and came up with this brilliant plan.

Brett Lee will open and close with his official WC song. That way he will get to be around the Aussies boys throughout the tournament AND ICC don't have to spend that much on the ceremonies.

The only good part of it all is that Binga can't produce a customary wide or no-ball while performing. Unless he misses a beat or goes off key.

Our number eleven is better than yours

When Rubel Hossain came to the crease, all I wanted him to do was survive the first 4 balls so Naeem could get back on strike. He did and I was happy. The thoughts then were, Naeem needs to reach his fifty and Bangladesh needs to cross 400.

We were at 397 and even then, my friends and I were worried. Such is the state of our bowling line up. Can't even relax without the mental edge of a 400+ score.

Then Rubel came back on strike and we were still 397. Disappointment. No 400 today.

Which is when Rubel hit the most beautiful cover drive for four, and all of a sudden we were 401/9. A top order batsman would have been jealous. But it didn't end there. Rubel continued to stick around with Naeem, hitting boundaries now and then. In the end, his was the wicket that fell (obviously), but not before he had etched out 17 runs at a strike rate of 77.27.

Let's put those numbers side by side: No. 11, 17 runs, 22 balls, 4 fours, 77.27.

Before that, Shafiul had made Broad, Bresnan and Swann want to run and hide behind their mommies. We don't need a top order, we have Shafiul, Naeem and Rubel. And a handy few people who bat before them, but you already know who those are.

As I have said before, we owe our International status to a number eleven who hit the biggest six of his life off the last ball to win us the game.

All Graham Onions did was defend. All Brett Lee did was nearly win the Ashes.

I know I am being very cocky here, but you know you also want Rubel Hossain in your team. So leave me alone.

Our number eleven can score baby. 

Cocktail

I don't have time to write up separate posts right now. But I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of things, most of which have pissed me off. Naturally. So this one is going to be a cocktail of such extreme measures that you may actually throw up. Just don't sue me afterwards, I warned you.

On India's win: A middle finger creeping up from every corner and getting entangled in Dhoni's hair. Then pulling Dhoni's hair to expose it as a wig.

On Sachin's double century: The cricket fan in me is jubilant but the Saffa fan in me is sulking like there is no tomorrow. Did you have to pelt my Dale to do it? Everybody's singing your praises and I should too, because nobody else deserved it more but next time (because who else will break this record other than Sachin himself?), pick ANOTHER TEAM. Like Australia. Ricky smiles too much these days. I miss his hairy, sulky face.

On AB's century: What the fuck were you celebrating for? Where were all these runs when the team needed you in the second test and the first ODI? Honestly, I don't care what a great innings it was, he looked like he just wanted his century and nothing else. I know the team wasn't able to support him, but FUCK AB, you weren't able to support the team on SO MANY OTHER OCASSIONS! Play for the team fucktard!

On Charl's eye: Brave man. He batted and bowled with his one eye. Very ghoul-like. Brought back so many childhood memories!

Charl, the one eyed King

On Binga's retirement: No more skateboarding tweety in tests. I am actually saddened by this one. I liked Binga because he never gave up. The prime example of a keener. But hey, now he has more time to promote suits and work on a new album! It will be titled "I wasn't picked for Ashes 2009 and we lost".

On Australia's win over the Winides: Yawn.

On Australia's win over the Kiwis: When did Witchy learn to take wickets in T20? This is bad, it's very bad.

On Crashraful's drop: All I can say is, I am finally sleeping peacefully at night. Doesn't that say it all?

On Mashrafe's impending retirement from tests: Hi, National Captain. You have to be a bowler of Bond and Lee's stature to consider this. They loved their test cricket and tried everything in their power to get back to it. They only retired when they realized that AGE was not on their side either. You are TWENTY-FUCKING-SIX. Try harder.

On blogging: Man, I miss this!

The day AB was born

That would be today, about twenty six years ago. Lovely.

Won't waste time on his numerous talents because barring one, the rest of it means zilch for this birthday.

AB can't sing the Indian bowlers to life-long coma. They have already heard Brett Lee.
He can't stun them with his catwalk because cricket's modelling Queen is their captain.
He can't take lightning-like catches, the Saffers are batting.
He can't beat them in golf, the Indians party when they want to relax. They do not hit the golf course.
He can't even lure them with his looks, America hasn't legalized gay marriage yet.

The only thing he CAN do is bat his team to a draw. Remember batting AB? It's the thing that you were first known for. It's the thing that you have been neglecting as of late, with all these commitments to your other talents. It's now time to go back to it. Lose the rest. On your birthday, give us the gift of a lovely draw.

Meaning, don't get yourself RUN OUT IN A GOD DAMN TEST FOR FUCK'S SAKES!

Bat AB, bat like you have never batted before. Unleash your awesomeness on the Indians. Then you can go back to the modelling/singing/flashy fielding/golfing/whatever else you are good at (I want to save my breath). But for today just bat.

Happy birthday pretty boy.

Warning

Following in his musical Guru, Brett Lee's footsteps, AB has used his back injury to finish recording his album.

http://www.abdevilliers.com/videos.asp?id=7947

He hopes we find the CD very "interesting and good".

AB, we find your batting very interesting and good.We also find your looks 'good'. But your singing...not so much.

Your singing we find...how shall I put it? So torturous that we would rather engage in a conversation with Tony Greig, voluntarily stand in the way of Binga's 160km/h balls and pay to watch Tim Bresnan play T20. And I am being very kind here.

Where can we find AB a girl friend so he spends his spare time outside the studio?

Merv's Moustache

This is the story of one man and his moustache and how the shaggy hair on his upper lips guided him through all the tough selections.

Ashes 09, 5th Test

Merv: Tell me oh shaggy one, do I pick four seamers or put a spinner there?
Moustache: I say, it looks like the pitch will turn later. Blimey! This is a tough one, innit?
Merv: I think we should let Nathan play mate. After all, he did shockingly take wickets this series and surprise everyone by establishing himself as a spinner...more or else.
Moustache: Bollocks! We'll go with four seamers. Get Stuart Clark in.
Merv: He was kind of shit in the second innings of the 4th test though and the pitch seems to be better suited for spinners...
Moustache: Don't be a twat! Clark in, Hauritz out. I like them pacers. They make me twitch. If they blame you just say you misread the pitch. And make Punter say the same. Otherwise I'll boo him.
Merv: But..
Moustache: The 'tache has spoken.

India vs Australia, 2009

Merv: Shaggy one, we have a long injury list...
Moustache: Moises and Clint are going to replace them, yaar!
Merv: But the injured are...
Moustache: I don't need to know. I'm saying Moises and Clint will play, baas, they will play.
Merv: The problem is, even I don't know who McKay is and Moises seems to like getting whacked by batsmen. Stuart Clark on the other hand...or even Dirk Nannes...
Moustache: Clark lost us the Ashes my friend. And Dirk is also a Victorian. Selecting him and McKay is the same thing. No more discussions. The 'tache has spoken.

West Indies vs Australia, 2009

Moustache: Is Chris Gayle coming, mon?
Merv: We don't know yet mate.
Moustache: We open the bowling with Andrew McDonald and Shane Watson is to bowl the death overs. Give the rest of the boys some time off. The WAGS can play instead.
Merv: I don't think the WAGS know how to play.
Moustache: Bubu! They have been with the boys long enough to know how to play. Don't question my judgement, mon! And make Lara Bingle the captain. The 'tache has spoken.

If you haven't figured it out by now, the 'tache has been playing for the other teams all along. Just like the Australian selectors.

Brett Lee-the new Shane Watson

I was wondering why no one had commented on Shane Watson still being fit. Then I realized that it's because Brett Lee has been fulfilling Watto's quota by picking up an injury every few months. So it's not really Watto's injuries that we find funny, any blond crooner with a guitar will do.

On a more serious note, which face did Ricky make when he learned about Brett's injury during a crucial series...yet again! (I stole this idea from Sidthegnomenator as is customary in this blog. I don't even wait for inspiration, just some good old fashioned 'plagiarism'.)

There is Ricky's ''pretend you are thinking while cussing Lee and his ancestors out" face. This comes up every time Lee is hit for a six. Or maybe he is actually humming a song by Six and Out.


Then there is Ricky's "Binga, you are too old for this shit" face. Presumably used every time Lee pretties up his hair.


We also have Ricky's "I don't care because I have Witchy Mitchy" face. After some deliberation I have come to the conclusion it's because Binga flies on his own, while Mitchy flies with Ricky.

R Kelly would be proud

But Ricky still loves Mitch more

Finally, we have Ricky's "whatev" face. He has been hearing this story with Brett since last summer. He has to have perfected a check on his emotions by now!


Okay maybe not.

On the real serious note, is this really the cricket that's causing all these injuries? Lee has been playing/training non-stop since the beginning of the year. Every team is complaining about too much cricket. Then again, AB picked up an injury in the Champions Trophy and he hasn't played since April. Also, Ricky is just fine. And dare I say it...footballers play throughout the year without any significant breaks. They don't pick up injuries left and right!

I don't know what's going on. But just for personal satisfaction, I am going to blame it all on Lalit Modi. There, mystery solved.

Look at what psychology can do!

Inside Ricky's head before, during and after the second ODI:

-BRETT LEE INJURED
-JAMES HOPES INJURED
-MITCHELL JOHNSON INJURED...what it's just a twisted ankle? Shut his face up and put him on the field!
-Moises...being...flown...in...for...replacement
-Andrew McDonald is the other choice
-Briefly contemplating suicide
-TIM PAINE INJURED (Australia now has to go for their 10th best wicketkeeper who is possibly 5...or has just arrived in this world)
-Panic...panic...nowhere to run...chew gum...check on storage of chewed gum after match...must pick out the one that helped win the Ashes in 06/07 and chew again for good luck
-More interviews...India outplayed us...say it but don't believe it...it was all psychological
-7 ODI's is the best shit they ever came up with. Now we have 5 more to bounce back. Long live seven, seven is the new five.
- Why isn't Watson injured yet?
-Must go on Facebook and lap up all the love from my fans.
-Clarkey that bastard! Picked up an injury at the right time.
-Wait...is that the answer?
-Should I injure myself so someone else can take the heat?
-Oh Merv, wait till you read the next headline!

Note to the people of India, please keep a look out for Ricky Ponting trying to bend his legs in ways his legs don't bend.

I want to know

Yesterday, after the match, Brett did something very strange. He took Praveen Kumar's 40 runs producing bat, just grabbed it out of his hands, and blew on it. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss it, but he blew on it. I wonder why.

Why would he kiss Praveen Kumar's bat?

Why would he BLOW on Praveen Kumar's bat?

What did Nehra whisper in Kumar's ear after Lee returned the bat?

Does Lee practice black magic? In which case both actions would have been explained. He was just rubbing some good old fashion bad luck on the bat to prevent him from almost saving India again.

More than that, I want to know whether Brett Lee speaks to the Indian players in Hindi.

How do you say ' I am going to knock your fucking head off' in Hindi? Or does Brett Lee use his lines from his Bollywood love song to communicate with the Indians?

"Haan main tumhaara hoon, tumhaara hi rahunga".

I've been told the above means "Yes I am yours and I will remain yours forever".

If that is how Binga is sledging the Indian players, what do they say in return? Asha Bhosle said 'Oh really' in the song.

I want to know the answers to all these questions.

Where is Harsha when you need him?

A little pick me up

For both me and Dave.


The look so happy. Wonder if it's the win or the position that's bringing out that lovely colour in them.

I'm supporting NSW

Every team I supported in this Champions League had a good run and then crashed out! Barring Bangalore. But nobody expected them to get as far as they did in the first place, so they actually had a good tournament (HAHA!).

Now T&T seems to be doing the same. Losing to BRETT LEE. Not even NSW. One god damn tweety bird imitating, no ball producing machine. Spare me the best fast bowler in the world talk. I don't want to hear it.

So now, I'm switching gears in the hopes that my bad luck rub on NSW.

Go Kato! Bring that wonder boy Moises on so KP can claim him as his very own bitch!
Go Clark! Bowl your heart out because you won't get picked for the matches against India!
Go Philly and Dave! You can share wonderful domestic stories about your domestic games on the plane back home. I'm sure the passengers will be all ears!
Go Bollinger! Prove to the world that the ONLY reason you don't get picked for Australia is because your unfortunate genes prevent you from looking good on TV!


Yes, this is me being supportive. But my plan doesn't seem to be working!

Death by boredom

If you live in the Southern Hemisphere where it's so early that it's criminal to be even awake to watch this snail-paced game, here's something to keep you entertained.

Answer the questions wittily and you will get a prize. The more evil you are, the higher your chances of winning.

Why is Brett Lee clenching his face so hard?



Who is Siddle smelling and why?


Why is this picture so amazing and disturbing at the same time?


Bonus question: Who is the flying man? No the answer is not in my label list.

Knock yourselves out. This may be the first of many if the responses are good.

Rotten Australia

Playing with the emotions of a billion Indian fans like that! Scoundrels! Bastards!

First, Brett's tweety was enough to disturb Boom Boom, so Witchy got his wicket. Then Akmal slammed them all over the place. During the course of which, Hauritz dropped a catch and acted like he was really distraught. I thought he was seriously over-acting, just in case Australia lost the match and he could tell everybody how much he was beating himself up for it. I think you'll be better off apologizing for your spin Ritz. They don't care about your crappy fielding. They don't care about you, period.

To make Ritz look worse, Witchy Mitchy took a most difficult catch.It was so stunning that Crapinfo has a special picture to demonstrate how the catch was completed, in steps.

Step 1: Close your eyes and pray
Step 2: Open your eyes to confirm that you caught the ball and not your knuckles
Step 3: Pretend you knew you were going to catch it all along

Seriously, I know it's difficult to judge when the ball is so high and you have to run back. He did well. But what is so fantastic about this catch? Australia is expected to take such catches, specially with the American making them work so hard. Although, he needs to spend a little more time with Paine. The guy is like a frog without the sticky stuff.

I went to sleep for the rest of Pakistan's innings. They didn't score runs and they didn't lose wickets at regular intervals. So I decided it was a good idea to take my 5am nap.

Then the Aussies came to bat, needing only 206. You would think the would cruise through it, which they nearly were...with Hussey of all people, leading the chase. I think I've solved the Mystery of the Withering Hussey. He had amnesia. Now he doesn't anymore. Convinced? Neither am I.

But as soon as they realized that the Indians were watching, Ricky and his rotten men started their Shakespearean drama. The top order walked back to the change-room together and the middle order practically sprinted past them. They even gave Malik a wicket. Then Brett Lee came, the master of all Australian actors. The situation was stabilizing and it looked like the Aussies were going to win after all, but Binga knows how to entertain the Indians. He starred in a Bollywood movie. So he asked Witchy to go back. All of the sudden the Indians realized that Aus needed 17 runs, and their hopes lied on the shoulders of a fast bowler and a wannabe spinner. So starts the nail biting, the praying and the racing heart-beats.

Will they? Won't they? Will they? Won't they..........Will they?

They will. They were always going to. They just wanted to help your population problem with a few heart attacks.

I better be winning an Oscar for this...

The only downside to this story is that we have to watch a England vs Australia game...again!

For Esra

Umm, your lover boy needs to get rid of the thorns on his head.



I have suggestions.

Brett's Tweety Bird

Tim's skunk

Ryan's tribute to Julia Roberts

RP's horns

Watto's umbrella

Yes dear, these are your only choices. I made a careful selection from what is out there. My screening process is very good, trust me.

CA TV Videos

Cricket Australia TV is cool. They follow the team around and give us insights into the team, video analysis of their games, interviews and behind the scenes stuff. The behind the scenes videos used to be the best ones, till Nathan Bracken's blog came around. That man has the personality of a hair band. Which he wears.

Anyway, sometimes they run out of ideas for the videos and make up fictitious stories. Like this one, where an American man is telling us why Ricky Ponting is the best fielder in the world.



First of all, Ricky's two run outs in the 6th ODI were stunning. Second of all, this is the first time he has hit the stumps in a long time. To be the best in the world you kind of have to do that consistently. Punter doesn't really make the batsmen think twice before taking a run the way Rhodes, Duminy, De Villiers and Gibbs does. I mean he is better than most, but the best he is not. Stop giving him titles. He will lose them in a few days anyway.

BTW, CA TV, if you are going to make a case about cricket don't use a man with an American accent who keeps on calling your skipper 'Rick'. Which brings me to, why is there an American in your camp? Have they actually discovered cricket before unearthing the weapons of mass destruction? What a shocker!

There's another video. Before you get to it, I must apologize because the video shows Binga and Watto playing some pop-sickle version of 'Sweet Child O' Mine' on their guitars. As a huge fan of the song and the band, I was curious to know what could posses them to act in a way that could lead to a bloody revolution. Turns out, they know that they annoy people with their 'singing' and do it in their rooms nowadays. At least that's a start. Mankind may be saved after all.

Questions

1. Why doesn't anyone realize that Flintoff is a glory hunter?

2. Why doesn't Binga see that Mitch is Punter's new bitch?

3. Why did Michael Hussey pull a Ashish Nehra and fail to hold onto a catch after three tries?

4. Why is Australia tricking Paine into thinking he has any chance of solidifying his position in the team?

5. Why is England performing well after the series has already been lost?

6. When will Ricky Ponting actually go and slap one of his bowlers?

7. Why can't the English play anything else other than Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas?

8. Why isn't the Champions Trophy here yet?

9. Why does his job suck so much?

Watch the hand..