Save me

For I am cricket deprived.

So grave is my situation that just the other day, as I read the headlines on CP 24, I saw that English bowler Graeme Swann had cited the immediate need to rescue a cat in distress as the reason for his drunk driving. Obviously, seeing as this was a Canadian news channel, I thought I was hallucinating. Turns out Swannyg66 is indeed a chivalrious Puss in Boots and THIS is the news that the Canadians thought should go up on their headlines. Not Afridi boom booming all over the place, not Dhoni's sudden wedding, not even AB's CD release.

Cricket will never be taken seriously in this country.

Speaking of seriously, I am also so cricket deprived that I am seriously considering buying AB's album. Apparently, his songs are about cricket, inspiration, positivity, winning, dreams and everything that teenagers will scream and die for. Why AB wastes his time playing cricket, I don't understand. Surely, he should at least consider filling that 5th Backstreet Boy spot that's empty right now? That way, when my cricket deprivation has driven me to a permanent state of mental instability, I will be listening to 'songs' written by the Backstreet Boys on cricket. You know like: 'Quit dropping catches off my bowling', 'Larger than Jakes', 'I want Graeme that way...'.

Seriously, save me.

And while you are saving me, can you save Bangladesh cricket as well? I hear Crashraful is in the squad for the New Zealand tour...

101 reasons why I like the Kiwis

I've been trying to figure out why I like the Kiwis so much. Apart from the fact that they have Daniel Vettori and are basically neutral like Switzerland I mean. So I was reading up on them when it suddenly struck me.

New Zealand is considered by many to be a state of Australia.
Canada is called the 51st American state.
Truth is, We are both a million times better than our neighbours.

That was reason number three.

The Kiwis always surprise people with their cricket. We never look at them and say, 'this team is so fucking talented they will rule the world one day'. Then they thrash India by 200 runs.

That is a huuuuge margin. Even bigger considering three of their top players and match-winners were all absent. Vettori is apparently in labour, Jesse Ryder is still drunk and Baz is probably at sea, in a quest to truly find his calling.

That is reason number four.

Reason number five is IOB. Enough said.

Then there are others, like Ross Taylor, Scott Styris, Shane Bond and of course Stephen Fleming. Stephen Fleming alone can be reason number nine to a hundred. And because of his awesome performance I will now add Daryl Tuffey to that list.

Reason number hundred and one.

Strangely, by the end of this list I have also managed to come up with a reason I like India: they gave Dhoni grey hair.

Or maybe it was the wife.

Threeway

A man from Room 666 is on the phone.

Man: Hello Front Desk? Can I please get Graeme Smith's room number please? 300? Corresponding to his weight I see...nothing. Thank you.

Dials 300.

Man: Hello Fatty..err Smithy, M.S. here. No, I am not some new Saffa player! I am the captain of the Indian cricket team! Yes, that M.S! Non-South Africans are known by their initials too you know? Like KP...oh wait!

Smith: Aww look, how can I help you M.S?

Dhoni: Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you what excuse you are using for the abysmal performance. We didn't do too well you know. Gary said we can't use the IPL again because we used it last time and Lalit wasn't too happy. Plus Twatto was also in the IPL and he isn't tired at all! Between you and me, I think he's on steriods. But it's not like Twatto had to play till the end! I won the IPL you know! As did Albie. How is Albie?

Smith: Albie's fine. And we aren't using any excuses. Majola started recording our excuses so he pretty much has it all by now. We are just saying that we sucked! Maybe you should say that too. That way, others don't get the satisfaction as much and your female fans adore you again.

Dhoni: But it WASN'T my fault! I was in the FINALS of the IPL! I won the cup! I am TIRED! I don't know what excuses the others are giving, but mine is legitimate. And Durby's. The poor guy, bowling four overs every match!

Smith: Aww look, what about Vijay, Zaheer and Raina?

Dhoni: They are young! Plus Zaheer costs a fortune. You are being of no help mate!

Smith: Maybe we should call Chris, see what excuse he is using.

Dhoni: Oh good idea! Let me call him. What's his room number again?

Smith: 420.

Dhoni: Okay, hang on.

Dials 420. A sleepy man picks up. Even on the phone, you can tell that he has shades on.

Chris: Hello?

Dhoni: Hello Chris? This is M.S. How are you mon? Oh sorry. Yes I know that was terrible. I have Graeme on the other line, let me connect you two. Smith! The fat one? Yes, yes.

Connects the lines.

Chris: Hi Biffy? How was the roast beef tonight?

Smith: I didn't have roast beef tonight.

Chris: Oh, why do they call you Biff then?

Smith: Aww look, let's forget about that. M.S and I want to know what excuse you guys are using for crashing out of the Super 8's.

Chris: No excuse. I am saying Twatto, Witchy and Hads misbehaved with us to get the focus off the loss.

Dhoni: Oooh, very Ricky-like!

Chris: Well, we were there for a while you know. I might as well have picked up something! Their beaches are shit-holes compared to ours. So I had to keep myself occupied elsewhere. But in all honesty, our women's team made the semis, so our people are not that mad. M.S, your women made it too. So take a chill pill. It's Biff who should be worried!

Smith: Worried? I am not worried. There's no one to replace me, no matter what happens.

Dhoni: Same here mate, same here. That's why I put the Aussies to bat first. Wasn't I clever? Anyway, so it seems we are all good. By the way Smithy, I wanted to ask you if you could take some of our boys with you and drop them off to Zimbabwe on the way.

Smith: We aren't going anywhere. We have to play Chris and his boys next, so we are just going to stay put and get nice and tanned. Right Chris?

Chris: You know it mon! Let's see who gets the better tan before the test starts! I am already ahead of you!

Smith: Don't worry Chris, the bet is on! See you later then! Was there anything else M.S?

Dhoni: Can you give me Paul Harris' number? Durby wanted it for some spin consultation...don't know why.

Smith: Yeah I have to look for it. Let me call you back, what's your room number?

Dhoni: 666. I don't know why! Something about how mad the people back home are and effigies. What rubbish! Of course not! Do I look like Ganguly to you? I am much better looking! Just call me back! Okay, bye!

In retrospect

South Africa's record in the past two series now reads 2 draws and 1 loss. If you really think about it, it should have been three wins.

Really, they should have won 3-1 against England and 1-0 against India. They messed up twice in the second test. Once in the first innings after tea and the second time on the last day, right after Hash and Ashy P had settled down. Parnie and Morne should never have been in that situation. And Kallis should not have played that shot.

They should also have won the first ODI, meaning they would have won this 2-1 as well.

"If only" is a phrase too often used by a Protea fan. It's always if this, if that, if only we had been the first to bat.

Consolation wins mean ziltch after sometime. Because during the dead-rubber matches, the Saffers are so mind-blowingly brilliant that you actually wish your mind was an atomic bomb that could burst on command. Their inconsistency makes Pakistan look rock steady.

Everybody was brilliant today. I was particularly proud of my soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL. Did you see that ball that turned away, peeked at Sreesanth and decided to go straight for his legs? That one was fun! AB was fun to watch too. As was Tsotsobe. I really love that guy, but I don't know if he can replace Parnie. Unless he is injured of course.

But the reality is, this was an inexperienced Indian team. They didn't have their frontline bowling attack...if you can call Durby a frontline bowler. The Saffers knew this and they bullied them to death.

Honestly, I did not expect the Saffers to even achieve this. But then I thought, why shouldn't I? They are a friggin' brilliant team, as the first test demonstrated. They conquered Sachin, Sehwag, Gambhir, Dhoni and Zaheer there. But these bursts and fizzles are getting very,very hard to handle. Next up is the IPL, meaning another long-ass break for the team. Just when they were beginning to get their groove back.

And Dale just said in an interview that he thought this was a good series. If only he was right!

Cocktail

I don't have time to write up separate posts right now. But I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of things, most of which have pissed me off. Naturally. So this one is going to be a cocktail of such extreme measures that you may actually throw up. Just don't sue me afterwards, I warned you.

On India's win: A middle finger creeping up from every corner and getting entangled in Dhoni's hair. Then pulling Dhoni's hair to expose it as a wig.

On Sachin's double century: The cricket fan in me is jubilant but the Saffa fan in me is sulking like there is no tomorrow. Did you have to pelt my Dale to do it? Everybody's singing your praises and I should too, because nobody else deserved it more but next time (because who else will break this record other than Sachin himself?), pick ANOTHER TEAM. Like Australia. Ricky smiles too much these days. I miss his hairy, sulky face.

On AB's century: What the fuck were you celebrating for? Where were all these runs when the team needed you in the second test and the first ODI? Honestly, I don't care what a great innings it was, he looked like he just wanted his century and nothing else. I know the team wasn't able to support him, but FUCK AB, you weren't able to support the team on SO MANY OTHER OCASSIONS! Play for the team fucktard!

On Charl's eye: Brave man. He batted and bowled with his one eye. Very ghoul-like. Brought back so many childhood memories!

Charl, the one eyed King

On Binga's retirement: No more skateboarding tweety in tests. I am actually saddened by this one. I liked Binga because he never gave up. The prime example of a keener. But hey, now he has more time to promote suits and work on a new album! It will be titled "I wasn't picked for Ashes 2009 and we lost".

On Australia's win over the Winides: Yawn.

On Australia's win over the Kiwis: When did Witchy learn to take wickets in T20? This is bad, it's very bad.

On Crashraful's drop: All I can say is, I am finally sleeping peacefully at night. Doesn't that say it all?

On Mashrafe's impending retirement from tests: Hi, National Captain. You have to be a bowler of Bond and Lee's stature to consider this. They loved their test cricket and tried everything in their power to get back to it. They only retired when they realized that AGE was not on their side either. You are TWENTY-FUCKING-SIX. Try harder.

On blogging: Man, I miss this!

Business minded

Since none of you have kindly pointed it out, I will say it myself.

I ran two campaigns for two players, Gibbs and Morkel. Eventually, both of them made it back to the team. All because of my tedious work.

I also injured Broad, Yuvraj and Ryder during the Champions Trophy. Because I don't like them. I wanted Dilshan to be injured against the Deshis and he duly obliged after the first ODI. Once, I even did some black magic on Dhoni so he wouldn't score past 10 against Sri Lanka. He scored 5. I can't find the link to that, you will just have to take my word for it. Then of course, I made Watto go out in the 90's countless number of times. Just for fun.

I have come to the conclusion that it is not a coincidence. I can make things happen. So I have decided to use it for the good of mankind. I am going to offer you my services in exchange for love.

I will injure and campaign for anybody from any team. You just name them. But please know that if they are against the Saffers and Deshis, or a Saffa/Deshi that you want injured there will be loop holes. You won't know them of course, till I actually tell you.

But go ahead. Ask away. I am at your service.

The day AB was born

That would be today, about twenty six years ago. Lovely.

Won't waste time on his numerous talents because barring one, the rest of it means zilch for this birthday.

AB can't sing the Indian bowlers to life-long coma. They have already heard Brett Lee.
He can't stun them with his catwalk because cricket's modelling Queen is their captain.
He can't take lightning-like catches, the Saffers are batting.
He can't beat them in golf, the Indians party when they want to relax. They do not hit the golf course.
He can't even lure them with his looks, America hasn't legalized gay marriage yet.

The only thing he CAN do is bat his team to a draw. Remember batting AB? It's the thing that you were first known for. It's the thing that you have been neglecting as of late, with all these commitments to your other talents. It's now time to go back to it. Lose the rest. On your birthday, give us the gift of a lovely draw.

Meaning, don't get yourself RUN OUT IN A GOD DAMN TEST FOR FUCK'S SAKES!

Bat AB, bat like you have never batted before. Unleash your awesomeness on the Indians. Then you can go back to the modelling/singing/flashy fielding/golfing/whatever else you are good at (I want to save my breath). But for today just bat.

Happy birthday pretty boy.

Lucky Harro

Mega Stupid Dhoni got beaten by a mystery Paul Harris ball in his own turf. The ball came out of the blasmphemous left hand and did what any other Harro balls do. Frolick around with no aim or direction.

Strangely, this random delivery forced M.S. onto his backfoot, during the course of which he forgot to drop his hands and tried to kick the ball instead. As M.S. held his bat up like he is in some Samurai parade, the ball bounced and hit his gloves. Then it sailed to Jacques Kallis.

Paul Harris celebrated accordingly, but a good look into his eyes will tell you that he was as shocked as we were. Why only recently, he admitted to having no googlies, doosras or carrom balls. This is thus a mystery ball of another level.

The ball, aptly named Horrendous Harro, is basically any random delivery that puts the batsmen in a drunken stupor with its mundaneness, long enough for them to give up their wicket. Mega Stupid, although one of the pioneers of this delivery is not amused while Paul Harris has expressed much delight over it's creation. Meanwhile, the world continues to puzzle over the fact that he gets wickets.

Paul had also stated that he is not a miracle bowler. Paul, we will have you know that your bowling has got Jesus sulking in one corner, as it is a even bigger miracle than his birth.

IPL3

Let me remind you again that Kemar Roach is my new obsession.

Before him it was Fidel Edwards but he has been missing for a while now. I have put ads on every milk bottle available in West Indies. Hopefully the gap in his teeth will seek it out and return. 

Kemar Roach was bought by the Deccan Chargers at IPL3. I started watching IPL from the second season where I got bored half-way through. So I am no IPL expert and I only half care about BRC and Deccan Chargers because of the Saffers. Sometimes when I remember Albie's one hit wonder, literally, I watch Chennai too. But not for long because M.S. Dhoni leads to nightblindess in Canada.

I desprately want Ashraful and Mortaza out of Mumbai and KKR. Thankfully, Shakib has not been added to this list as he went unsold again, probably because of his international commitments. I think he would have been available for only like four games. But this is just a theory as again, I don't know much about the IPL.

But I do know about Kemar Roach.
Kemar Roach likes to hurt hairy goblins.
Kemar Roach likes to bowl fast in the hopes that the ball will actually kill somebody.
Kemar Roach then smiles, like a sweet little assassin.
Kemar Roach is a direct descendant of Walsh and Ambrose.
Kemar Roach is only 21.

I have said Kemar Roach about eight times in this article. It is intentional.

Ten things-next year

Ten things I would like to see happen next year:

1. South Africa clobbering England in the remaining two tests.
2. Bangladesh winning their first tri-nation series.
3. Biff befriending KP (no, really).
4. Ricky Ponting misbehaving.
5. Finding an individual on Earth who genuinely likes Lalit Modi.
6. My Herschelle cementing his butt to the starting XI.
7. Graeme Swann banished into oblivion.
8. Stuart Broad's transformation into a man.
9. Shoaib Akhtar acquiring more VDs.
10. Some new commercials from M.S. Dhoni.

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!

Watto's gone twatto

And Barbie has an attitude problem. And MSD has been banned as has Sulieman Benn for pleading not guilty. All highly dramatic in the manner of a twenty year old over-stretched, over done soap opera. But slightly more funny and definitely more important because it seems to be raising questions about racism.

The exact reasoning behind why Benn was handed the ban is unclear since Haddin and Johnson was equally involved. Benn talks A LOT and he has been verbally after the Aussies for a while now, but honestly it was just an accident stretched like chewing gum by some passionate men. And chirping is allowed.

In the other end, MSD got banned for two games for not dissent, but having slow over rates. It took India friggin' long to get through their overs because of too much discussion (and it didn't help that Sri Lanka needed a runner) so the general consensus is that it is justified.

Then we have Barbie and Watto. Broad showed dissent to the umpires and Watto celebrated excessively. Watto went up to Gayle's face when he got his wicket and did this:

It was deliberately telling Gayle to 'Fuck off' and he got warned for it. So did Barbie. Now you see the problem.

The two coloured players got banned while the five not-coloured people got warnings. But MSD's had nothing to do with bad behavior and although two ODI's might be too harsh a sentence it shouldn't raise any such issues. But it might, because of all the other things that are going on right now.You can read a good debate about Sulieman Benn's sentence here but what I want to ask is, did Watto, Broad, Haddin and Johnson get lenient treatment because of the colour of their skin?

I'm going to go with no. Not because I am in denial of the existence of racism but because there is nothing extraordinary about any of the events here. All of this has happened in cricket before and have been dealt with differently. Australia is a prime example of a non-coloured team being fined for bad behaviour. The wrong that has happened here is Benn's extreme sentence, probably because he naively denied his guilt. He was right of course, he wasn't guilty of anything other than losing his temper and who the fuck gets banned for that in sports? Unless they have killed or punched somebody. But Haddin and Johnson, the clever bastards that they are, pleaded guilty and it's probably something they just said because they were aware of the consequences. Benn didn't. He is simple like that. He just wants to play cricket.

Even after the ban he is trying his best to bowl the Aussies out and fighting hard. I like the fact that he is treating the ban as an occupational hazard. Chris Broad could learn a thing or two from him. But he is probably too busy trying to exercise his powers over the umpires in South Africa for not accomodating his little boy's temper tantrums.

My Dad the Comedian

My father is an Indian supporter. It would have been unfortunate expect for the never-ending hilarious rivalries we have, whenever India play South Africa. He is also wonderfully adept at making fun of the Blues when they are terrible. He has been out of the loop with cricket for a while, thanks to the North American lifestyle and the terrible cricket coverage. Thus, he was delighted to see the first India vs Australia game on TV and sat down to watch like an eager school boy. Till Ravindra Jadeja started bowling.

Dad: He is a spinner? Why isn't the ball spinning then? Has cricket evolved to the point where a spinner doesn't need to make the ball to spin anymore? He can't even spin the ball on an Indian pitch! He is bowling again! Why is he bowling again?

Me: Probably because Dhoni loves him.

Dad: Who is Dhoni?

Me: The Indian Captain.

Dad: Why?

I didn't know why Dhoni was the captain. So I started laughing, trying to explain to him that Dhoni actually had a good record. To which he replied,

Dad: So his record is going to win him this match? How lovely! Another flat ball! This Jadeja guy really is a true 'mystery spinner'!

Then the misfields started and his rants just kept on getting better.

Dad: All the fielders are lying flat on the ground but the ball still makes it to the boundary. I think the Indians don't realize that there is a reason people dive when the ball is racing. No one told them that diving after the ball has already passed is of no use. Know what Kumble used to do? He would make heroic dives with his legs wide apart, so the ball could continue to roll on through the gap. It was quite a show. But he had done his part, he dived!

I just had to find a picture of this.


It's not the ideal picture but his legs are far apart and the ball seems to have evaded him. I laughed so hard. These are times when I have no qualms in admitting that my father is always right!

World Test Team of the Year

The glitzy cricket Oscars took place last night. I don't care much about the top awards, because I am still sulking about the Saffers being excluded. But at least they picked Witchy Mitchy over Strauss. That was sweet. No jokes about Johnson performing black magic on the jury members. If it was not going to be a Saffer, I am glad it's Mitchell Johnson. He plays some good competitive cricket, which I like. Not to mention Biffy's broken hand. I would have made some jokes about the Ashes but it was so long ago. Who remembers it anymore?

What I am celebrating is the inclusion of Shakib in the World Test Team. He was chosen as the 'spin option'. That's right. Not Muttiah, not Mendis, not even Dan ...but Shakib! It is a big 'yay' moment for Bangladesh. So I am yaying. YAY!

Shakib has been the best thing to happen to Bangladesh cricket in a long time. Apart from his cricketing skills, he is genuinely calm and strong mentally and can produce results. I just hope he doesn't let it get to him like Ashraful and can continue being fit! The team has a habit of over-using their best and fucking up their bodies in the process.

The only problem is, Dhoni is the captain of this team and Harbajan is the 12th man. Which essentially means, if this team were to ever play a game, Shakib would be replaced by Harbajan. It doesn't matter to Dhoni if he is the official drink career. If he's around, he'll play. It's Dhoni's mantra. And the reason behind India's "success" in recent times!

Which captain has the best smile?

By best I mean who is bearing all their teeth now because they know that once the tournament starts they won't get an opportunity to do so.

That's a smile...his wife told me so

Cricket Hell

I mentioned it in my last post and it got me thinking. What would a cricket hell be like? I came up with a few things.

Location:
Has to be a sound proof, armour door room in Lalit Modi's home. It can only be accessed through a secret passageway through his bedroom. The password for the passage is 'shake your money maker'.

Attractions (Note: The following is for commercial purposes only. There are no guarantees in real life)
-Brett Lee's band Six and Out. They will wake you up every morning with their hit single 'can't catch and can't bowl'. After which you are free to hit Brett Lee for ever picking up a guitar.

-Live commercials by Dhoni. He will appear three times a day to sell Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. If you were a fat cricketer then he will sell Tea as well.

-Comedy performances by KP, Andrew McDonald and Ashish Nehra. KP will praise the Queen in his South African accent and Nehra will lose in a catching competition with a 2 year old. McDonald will just show his face.

-Free health checkups by Shoaib Akhtar. No, this is not optional.

-Workouts with Jesse Ryder. WARNING: May involve a Royal Rumble with Rikishi.

-Dating tips from Shane Warne. Demonstrated by AB and Morne for continuing to remain single despite having hoards of girls after them. Very suspicious behaviour.

You have to come. It will be much better than the snake biting, fire burning cave ruled by the Red dude.

Live Games

Meanwhile, the 40 year old Jayasuriya is beating the crap out of the 21 year old Inshant. Sanath should run a school for fitness in cricket. Wato and Freddie are to be his star students. Kallis is to teach 'Dramatic weightloss' and Warne to teach 'Ten ways you never lose fat'.

And Sanga goes...to Harbajan. Yes Sanga, you should be mad at yourself. Whoever gives their wicket to Harbajan when they are not playing in India should be forced to shoot a commercial with Dhoni. The commercial will be about shoe laces. Dhoni will make a cricket ball out of shoe laces only and bowl to Sanga. Sanga will hit it for a six. This commercial will soon become a movie.

Dharmasena, a former Sri Lankan cricketer and now umpire gave Sanath a wrong LBW decision. If SL lose this, Sanath can go loco on his former team-mate. The public can burn effigies and throw cow dung at Dharma's house.

Sorry...when Bhajji got that wicket, I thought we had moved to India.

True story!

Over at the other game, once again the South African born Strauss is the only English batsman capable of making runs. Yes, it is important that he was born in South Africa. Don't try to tell yourself otherwise.

The wonderful Canadian cricket channel that I have is not even showing that game. So I have nothing to say about it till I see the highlights...or the rerun. Yes, cricket is so scarce here that we actually have a slot for reruns..ball by ball.