I am not entirely surprised that Australia's bowlers are continuously injured. They have tormented so many teams for so long that all the curses, voodoos and black magic have finally caught up with them. Sure, Shane Warne didn't turn into a toad and Witchy didn't croak like a crow, but he did have to sit this series out because of the most ridiculous injury, an elbow infection caused by a tattoo. Second only to the English buttniggle pandemic of 2009. And in place of Shane Warne, Hauritz.. their.. ahem..next best spinner (*cough*traded down*cough*) now has a foot injury.
Normally, I would laugh. Well, I laughed this time too but then England started to win and Broad came on television a few too many times celebrating wickets. It made me violently ill. So for the sake of my health, I am giving the Aussies tips on how to ward off the injuries before they lose the entire series. I did cast most of them after all.
First, take a handful of Glenn's hair and then put them on Bolly's head. Then make sure Josh touches Bolly's tomato face before bowling. Give the little Piglet a.k.a Smith some ciggies to make him spin like Warne. Ask Twatto to give Bon Jovi of the 80's his hair back and as for Ryano, lower his chest for fuck's sakes!
Lastly, before they all go out, make them- and this is important- listen to Brett Lee songs.
Of course it also helps to win the toss and not choose to bat first with a piss weak bowling attack against a line up that bats deep. But I am not about to give you tips on how to get through to your hairy little goblin.
P.S: When I first wrote this I forgot all about Clinkt McKay, which is exactly how he should be kept injury free. Forget about him and keep him off the field.
Showing posts with label Clint McKay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Clint McKay. Show all posts
Friday, June 25, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Bowling is skin deep
When Binga was injured for the umpteenth time Dougie B packed his bags and waited for the call. Actually, he might have waited even before Binga injured himself. Everybody knew it was coming. He is paying back mankind for unleashing his atrocious Hindi song upon us. One injured limb for every record sold.
But the call never came. Dougie waited with his tomato face till someone gave him a squeeze and said,
"The peacock is in its way, Dougie"
"Why Hildy why?" Dougie asked.
No answer.
Dougie and Harris arrived at the IPL at the same time, both were easily the best bowlers of the tournament and both won matches for their teams. Dougie's team...eventually...won...the IPL!
So when the time came to replace Binga and Hilfy was still unavailable, most thought the new IPL3 champions AND the one who kept his Aussie colours with his IPL team, would be an automatic choice. But it was not to be. It was Ryan Harris who got the call, the same Ryan Harris whose chest is placed too highly, just like a peacock's.
How can Binga, one of the prettiest men in cricket, be replaced by Dougie tomato face? Getting people to come watch the games in the Windies is tough enough and on top of that they lose Binga and his applebutt. So they replace the butt, with a chest.
Dougie has none of this. I mean, the man makes Simon Katich look handsome for fuck's sakes!
No, Dougie has no place in the Australian squad. Not when he is replacing Brett Lee. Not when the people will come back to watch Ryan Harris till they can figure out why his chest is so oddly placed.
Unless Witchy picks up an injury and McKay, MacDonald, Moises, McGrath and Bracken are all unavailable.
But the call never came. Dougie waited with his tomato face till someone gave him a squeeze and said,
"The peacock is in its way, Dougie"
"Why Hildy why?" Dougie asked.
No answer.
Dougie and Harris arrived at the IPL at the same time, both were easily the best bowlers of the tournament and both won matches for their teams. Dougie's team...eventually...won...the IPL!
So when the time came to replace Binga and Hilfy was still unavailable, most thought the new IPL3 champions AND the one who kept his Aussie colours with his IPL team, would be an automatic choice. But it was not to be. It was Ryan Harris who got the call, the same Ryan Harris whose chest is placed too highly, just like a peacock's.
How can Binga, one of the prettiest men in cricket, be replaced by Dougie tomato face? Getting people to come watch the games in the Windies is tough enough and on top of that they lose Binga and his applebutt. So they replace the butt, with a chest.
Dougie has none of this. I mean, the man makes Simon Katich look handsome for fuck's sakes!
No, Dougie has no place in the Australian squad. Not when he is replacing Brett Lee. Not when the people will come back to watch Ryan Harris till they can figure out why his chest is so oddly placed.
Unless Witchy picks up an injury and McKay, MacDonald, Moises, McGrath and Bracken are all unavailable.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
The old Indian team is back
Highest scorer: Sachin- 175
Second highest scorer: Raina- 59
Third highest scorer: Sehwag- 38
Everybody else just visited Sachin to remind him that he is India's saviour. A job he took pretty seriously, till he decided McKay should get a prized wicket on his debut. What was up with that shot? Did McKay seriously fool him with his slow ball? On a night where Sachin Tendulkar was nearly invincible, some new comer faked him and got his wicket. After which the Indians suddenly remembered their old ways ("Sachin is not on the field mommy, I don't want to play!") and collapsed beautifully. I can already hear the ladies knocking on McKay's door.
India might as well wear yellow at the next game. They seem to love playing for Australia. Although, I thought Ricky was actually giving India a hand when he gave the last over to Shane Watson. I got all excited for the full tosses, but he didn't crumble under pressure. I'm sad that Watto is actually living up to his potential these days. I am running out of players to laugh at. Wait, I still have the English. And Mitchell Johnson. I like him, I really do. But an opporunity to laugh at the bowling figures of Oz's future spearhead AND ICC Player of the Year, is not something I'm going to let pass.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Second highest scorer: Raina- 59
Third highest scorer: Sehwag- 38
Everybody else just visited Sachin to remind him that he is India's saviour. A job he took pretty seriously, till he decided McKay should get a prized wicket on his debut. What was up with that shot? Did McKay seriously fool him with his slow ball? On a night where Sachin Tendulkar was nearly invincible, some new comer faked him and got his wicket. After which the Indians suddenly remembered their old ways ("Sachin is not on the field mommy, I don't want to play!") and collapsed beautifully. I can already hear the ladies knocking on McKay's door.
India might as well wear yellow at the next game. They seem to love playing for Australia. Although, I thought Ricky was actually giving India a hand when he gave the last over to Shane Watson. I got all excited for the full tosses, but he didn't crumble under pressure. I'm sad that Watto is actually living up to his potential these days. I am running out of players to laugh at. Wait, I still have the English. And Mitchell Johnson. I like him, I really do. But an opporunity to laugh at the bowling figures of Oz's future spearhead AND ICC Player of the Year, is not something I'm going to let pass.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!Monday, November 2, 2009
Merv's Moustache
This is the story of one man and his moustache and how the shaggy hair on his upper lips guided him through all the tough selections.
Ashes 09, 5th Test
Merv: Tell me oh shaggy one, do I pick four seamers or put a spinner there?
Moustache: I say, it looks like the pitch will turn later. Blimey! This is a tough one, innit?
Merv: I think we should let Nathan play mate. After all, he did shockingly take wickets this series and surprise everyone by establishing himself as a spinner...more or else.
Moustache: Bollocks! We'll go with four seamers. Get Stuart Clark in.
Merv: He was kind of shit in the second innings of the 4th test though and the pitch seems to be better suited for spinners...
Moustache: Don't be a twat! Clark in, Hauritz out. I like them pacers. They make me twitch. If they blame you just say you misread the pitch. And make Punter say the same. Otherwise I'll boo him.
Merv: But..
Moustache: The 'tache has spoken.
India vs Australia, 2009
Merv: Shaggy one, we have a long injury list...
Moustache: Moises and Clint are going to replace them, yaar!
Merv: But the injured are...
Moustache: I don't need to know. I'm saying Moises and Clint will play, baas, they will play.
Merv: The problem is, even I don't know who McKay is and Moises seems to like getting whacked by batsmen. Stuart Clark on the other hand...or even Dirk Nannes...
Moustache: Clark lost us the Ashes my friend. And Dirk is also a Victorian. Selecting him and McKay is the same thing. No more discussions. The 'tache has spoken.
West Indies vs Australia, 2009
Moustache: Is Chris Gayle coming, mon?
Merv: We don't know yet mate.
Moustache: We open the bowling with Andrew McDonald and Shane Watson is to bowl the death overs. Give the rest of the boys some time off. The WAGS can play instead.
Merv: I don't think the WAGS know how to play.
Moustache: Bubu! They have been with the boys long enough to know how to play. Don't question my judgement, mon! And make Lara Bingle the captain. The 'tache has spoken.
If you haven't figured it out by now, the 'tache has been playing for the other teams all along. Just like the Australian selectors.
Ashes 09, 5th Test
Merv: Tell me oh shaggy one, do I pick four seamers or put a spinner there?
Moustache: I say, it looks like the pitch will turn later. Blimey! This is a tough one, innit?
Merv: I think we should let Nathan play mate. After all, he did shockingly take wickets this series and surprise everyone by establishing himself as a spinner...more or else.
Moustache: Bollocks! We'll go with four seamers. Get Stuart Clark in.
Merv: He was kind of shit in the second innings of the 4th test though and the pitch seems to be better suited for spinners...
Moustache: Don't be a twat! Clark in, Hauritz out. I like them pacers. They make me twitch. If they blame you just say you misread the pitch. And make Punter say the same. Otherwise I'll boo him.
Merv: But..
Moustache: The 'tache has spoken.
India vs Australia, 2009
Merv: Shaggy one, we have a long injury list...
Moustache: Moises and Clint are going to replace them, yaar!
Merv: But the injured are...
Moustache: I don't need to know. I'm saying Moises and Clint will play, baas, they will play.
Merv: The problem is, even I don't know who McKay is and Moises seems to like getting whacked by batsmen. Stuart Clark on the other hand...or even Dirk Nannes...
Moustache: Clark lost us the Ashes my friend. And Dirk is also a Victorian. Selecting him and McKay is the same thing. No more discussions. The 'tache has spoken.
West Indies vs Australia, 2009
Moustache: Is Chris Gayle coming, mon?
Merv: We don't know yet mate.
Moustache: We open the bowling with Andrew McDonald and Shane Watson is to bowl the death overs. Give the rest of the boys some time off. The WAGS can play instead.
Merv: I don't think the WAGS know how to play.
Moustache: Bubu! They have been with the boys long enough to know how to play. Don't question my judgement, mon! And make Lara Bingle the captain. The 'tache has spoken.
If you haven't figured it out by now, the 'tache has been playing for the other teams all along. Just like the Australian selectors.
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