"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Friday, April 30, 2010

Bowling is skin deep

When Binga was injured for the umpteenth time Dougie B packed his bags and waited for the call. Actually, he might have waited even before Binga injured himself. Everybody knew it was coming. He is paying back mankind for unleashing his atrocious Hindi song upon us. One injured limb for every record sold.

But the call never came. Dougie waited with his tomato face till someone gave him a squeeze and said,
"The peacock is in its way, Dougie"

"Why Hildy why?" Dougie asked.

No answer.

Dougie and Harris arrived at the IPL at the same time, both were easily the best bowlers of the tournament and both won matches for their teams. Dougie's team...eventually...won...the IPL!

So when the time came to replace Binga and Hilfy was still unavailable, most thought the new IPL3 champions AND the one who kept his Aussie colours with his IPL team, would be an automatic choice. But it was not to be. It was Ryan Harris who got the call, the same Ryan Harris whose chest is placed too highly, just like a peacock's.

How can Binga, one of the prettiest men in cricket, be replaced by Dougie tomato face? Getting people to come watch the games in the Windies is tough enough and on top of that they lose Binga and his applebutt. So they replace the butt, with a chest.

Dougie has none of this. I mean, the man makes Simon Katich look handsome for fuck's sakes!

No, Dougie has no place in the Australian squad. Not when he is replacing Brett Lee. Not when the people will come back to watch Ryan Harris till they can figure out why his chest is so oddly placed.

Unless Witchy picks up an injury and McKay, MacDonald, Moises, McGrath and Bracken are all unavailable.

Monday, April 26, 2010

10 ways to avoid getting dumped

1) Orange screws up all brains, avoid orange at all costs.

2) When she makes a move and comes flying towards you, catch her. Dropping her on the ground will just, I don't know...piss her off and kill her.

3) When the hot mistress is on the bench and your world is spinning, don't go for the idiot (albeit a slightly adorable one) who doesn't do spin. Let the hot mistress in when the time is right.

4) Just because you paid the Australian to screw up and make you look good, doesn't mean that he won't come back and grab your girl.

5) Never trust a girl you stole from your bitter rival.

6) If you must throw her like a dart, at least pretend to be good at dart-throwing.

7) Don't send a dart-throwing gigolo to do a lover's job.

8) When picking your strategy, remember that hard and fast doesn't always work.

9) Having only one asset is an error because once the asset is gone, it is the end.

10) Just because you are in top form most of the time, does not mean she will not ditch you when you screw up. So try not to make a mistake till you have her hundred percent, and even after.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Injustice magnified

1) Environmental Injustice: Yuvraj Singh dancing i.e. moving his hands, legs, head, fingers, belly all at the same time (a rare occurence), to aggravate those who live in the centre of the earth. And we wonder why there are so many earthquakes these days.

2) Artistic Injustice: Allowing Durby to enter a cricket field where people make history is bad enough. Allowing him to be on a stage (any stage) where artists create magic is not far behind. Especially if Shahrukh Khan and him are re-enacting some sort of a mating dance by bulls.

3) Vertical Injustic: Making other people feel bad about not being as tall as Ishtant Sharma. Guys, if you have seen him bowl, you will know that he is short in places where it matters.

4) National Injustice: Adam Gilchrist and Shahrukh Khan grinding. Both wearing belly dancer's belts. Australians and Indians watching in horror as the two nations come closer than they would have liked.

Friday, April 23, 2010


Those of you who watched Gilly and Gibbs bat will be saying the same thing.


There was once a 80 something year old woman crossing the street with groceries, shuffling quickly so she could reach the other end  before the sign changed. She moved faster than Deccan's scoreboard in the whole match.


Ideally, these two players would not have played in the semis. But they did because Gilly is the captain and you can't drop the captain for bad form (But honestly, you should be allowed to in important matches!) and Gibbsy got a game purely because of his big-match kaboom reputation. It was a stinky, big-match kapoop performance.

Chennai bowled exceptionally well, but Deccan batted like cripples who have been further hindered by the neighbour's dogs latching onto their backside. Behind every unsuccessful Deccan batsman, there is a giant fucking labrador.


Now, Chennai are in the finals facing Mumbai and I am miserable. I dislike both teams and want neither to win. But if I HAD to pick (because of the same ass-grabbing labradors), I would go for Chennai. It was simply a case of who I hate more, Durby or teams that dress like Australians. Turns out Durby takes the cake. A big one. Smack on his face.

Unfortunately, I am cursed so this means Mumbai will win and I will frown ever so slightly because really, the best part of this IPL final is the fact that the T20 WC starts in seven days. IPL is O-V-E-R.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

England rows to the Carribbean

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream.

Barbie on the boat
He is eating cream
Funnily, funnily, funnily, funnily,
He doesn't know how to bowl seam.

Prior on the boat
He may not be in the team
Horribly, horribly, horribly, horribly,
They haven't told him.

Swanny on the boat
He is sitting on the beam
Urgently, urgently, urgently, urgently
His elbow needs a trim.

Onions on the boat
He's injured another limb
Weirdly, weirdly, weirdly, weirdly
Those are his hips and they are too slim.

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
A win is but a dream!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Holding Willey

Since I am now nearly graduated and basking in the glories of unemployment, I am writing for Holding Willey. So far, it's just for the upcoming T20 World Cup and I am representing Bangladesh and South Africa.

The articles are serious and by serious I mean they are my genuine attempts to sound like a 'real' cricket writer, with nice words like 'winning combination' and 'match-winner'. I don't know how to make intelligent jokes either, so they are not funny. They are just words, sitting side by side...hoping to make sense!

Thankfully I am allowed to swear, but I have promised them that I will tone it down. So expect lots of regular words disguised as swear words.

Anyway, here is my first article. It's an analysis of the Bangladeshi T20 squad. It has some new things and some things you have already heard here before. But go read it just to find out what I sound like serious.

Just don't sue me for ruining your day afterwards.

Sehwag is injured again

Last year this time, Virender Sehwag sustained an injury. This year, Sehwag has also sustained an injury. Three things remain consistent in this monotonous story: the IPL, the T20 WC and Sehwag's shoulder.

Sehwag's shoulder, if you don't know is a portal to the future. It sensed that India was going to exit in the second round and Gary Kirsten was going to blame the IPL. So it gave away to fatigue. Lactic acid buildup, muscle breakdown, colour going from blue to purple to black...the shoulder went through the whole works. It meant Sehwag got a full four to five months vacation. But of course, on paper it was pure torture for the Sehwag. He lives to play cricket after all.

This year, the shoulder looked through its looking glass again and realized India was about to make another early exit and Gary Kirsten was going to blame it on the IPL again. Might be the last time after all. What if there is no IPL next year? So on command, the shoulder has collapsed. This year, Sehwag's vacation will be a little bit sweeter because now he does not have to add to his repertoire of crappy shots that will get you out. The shoulder will get a treat for its wonderful work.

Very soon others will be injured and we will all cry "Too much cricket!". Then Umar Gul will come limping and say, "But I haven't played cricket in months!". We will scratch our heads and look for more evidence and come up with nothing. Because really, when was the last time a test match was played? When is the next test match? We don't know. But there is still too much cricket, otherwise why would Sehwag be injured twice in a row just before the World T20 and midway/after the IPL?

Throughout all of this Virender Sehwag will sit in at home playing Oongli (finger) Cricket. It doesn't require his shoulders, but it does require the rest of the Indian squad to come home so they can have a good game going. But that is not a problem either. As long as they have the IPL to blame.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Left behind

Or rather sent home. Mark Boucher is in Cape Town, according to Twitter, meaning he is not playing in the semi finals. I am at two-minds about this. Bouch didn't have a great IPL...but then again who really keeps Bouch in their team for just his batting skills? It's his wicket-keeping that is invaluable. Also his field placing suggestions.

Am I completely mental to think that Uthappa is not an adequate replacement for Bouch? Specially in a semi-final that had to be unfortunately moved to Mumbai. Actually, I like to believe that it was deliberate and 11 men in navy blue were lurking around the Chinnaswamy stadium but I NEVER make accusations without evidence. So until I come up with a completely unrelated picture made relevant by my mad photoshop skills, I will keep quiet.

Right so, why the fuck would anyone send Bouch home? RCB have hardly found their winning combination. It's not like little boy Manish has been doing a stellar job. It's not his fault that he has been infected by the Stuart Broad puberty plague and is unable to concentrate on his game because of the tragedy. But he should still be dropped right? And the batting order shifted around WITH Bouch in the mix. It's not like they need fire power. They have Jakes, KP, Uthappa, Kohli and Rossy. And if they did need that extra blitz they would have played Morgan, which they are not. So if not Morgan, why not Boucher?

Is it just a South African fan thing to think that wicket-keeping begins and ends with Mark Boucher or are there more of you who think RCB made a mistake?

Monday, April 19, 2010

Deccan in the semis!

I am beyond ecstatic. Obviously, when they lost 5 in a row I was the first one to give up on them. But what you don't know is that this is my strategy. I am not even lying. It has been proven time and time again that the teams I support lose: Deccan, Trinidad and Tobago, Bangladesh, South Africa, Real Madrid...

So I changed teams. I openly announced my support for RCB in the Deccan vs RCB game and sure enough the Bangalore boys went splat all over the place, like a fat woman had sat on them. No, I didn't sit on them. I am not fat...sometimes.
I knew Deccan would pull through, because of the lovely Gilly. Gilchrist is my favourite Aussie. I think most people will agree with me. He didn't score big a single time, yet managed to drag his full, raw team into the semis. The very happy smile on his face and his natural,calm composure was very good to see. My general philosophy about Gilly is that he should always be happy. Just because he is an Aussie and the world doesn't hate him.

Deccan has done it all this IPL. Loss, win, disgusting loss, crushing win, vomit-worthy drops, eyebrows raising catches etc. etc. I do feel though that they deserve to be in the semis, simply because of the way they have clawed their way back. They went from being neighbours with the perennial losers (KKR) to sitting prettily next to the table toppers (MI). If that is not an inspiring comeback I don't know what is. And much of this is Gilly's doing. Today, Vaas put that extra special touch to it with his tremendou final over. Every fucking ball was so beautiful I choked up and briefly said hello to my emotions. See, sometimes it pays off to be associated with Saffers and choke!

But of course M-O-M went to Deccan's Knight in Shining Armour, Herschelle Gibbs. Although he got out to a stupid shot and was one of the Colly life-savers, my Hersch played the knock that pushed Deccan to at least a defendable total.

Before you say it, I know it was Roy. I just pretend not to see beyond any bald heads, so I can claim them to be any bald person I want them to be. Invariably, I always claim them to be Herschelle Gibbs. I wonder why!

Brian Lara's second comeback

Be honest, how many of you thought, Michael Jordan or Bjorn Borg? I did and although Lara is not one of my heroes, I did not like it one bit.

My hero, Herschelle Gibbs (bear with me, I am making a solid point here), has been a train wreck since 2006. Sure there have been fireworks here and there, but nothing great and it has been painful. Gibbs is not even in the same category as Brian Lara. As sad as it makes me to admit it, Lara is possibly the last West Indian link to a team that once used to send panic waves through the world of cricket. Of course much of that Lara aura was spent trying to carry West Indies on his shoulders and not really being successful. It wasn't his fault, or maybe it was. Whatever it is, if you can look past that, you will know that Lara remained Lara. A regular, batting beast.

Hence lies the problem. Lara's first comeback was a mini disaster. Mini because no one watched the ICL. But Lara followers will know that it was a disappointment of epic proportions. A one time hero had lost his reflexes and less than inept bowlers were conquering him with balls that even Lara's grandma could hit out of the park. This is by no means an exaggeration. If you have a hero and have seen him/her crumble, you will know that this is indeed how it feels.

Lara's second comeback will be with Surrey's T20 team. Considering the fact that he lost his 'Laraness' two years ago, I can hardly believe this is going to be a good thing. It hasn't been confirmed yet but I hope for his sakes he does not come back. It will be pretty devastating for fans to learn that Brian Lara is human after all. And I am pretty sure it will be positively heart-breaking for Lara to have such a line on his Wikipedia page:

"Lara came out of retirement to help rubbish Surrey in their T20 ventures but instead sucked up all their rubbishness and magnified it to a million. This loosely translates to, he scored 30 runs in 20 matches".

Okay, so that WAS an exaggeration. But if it does happen, can you imagine Brian Lara's profile page ending with that? That is possibly worse than having to watch Lara captain the West Indies.

Don't do it your Laraness. Let us remain forever in your glorious years.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

And now Anil Kumble

Twitter: the final frontier. Well for a lot of cricket folks anyway. Certainly for Lalit Modi, and for Anil Kumble too. For Anil it's also similar to visiting his shrink. After a hard day on the field Anil goes on twitter to vent, because twitter is a private place where no can see what he writes. Maybe twitter is his brain and the tweets are his thoughts! That's how it works right?

Wrong. Tweeting is akin to speaking in a press conference, unless you have your tweets protected. But evidently, nobody told him that:

  The loss to DC was a huge setback for us and it was very disappointing after Steyn had set it up nicely for us with a torrid opening spell.

 Unfortunately Steyn's good work was largely undone by his fellow south african Kallis who seems to have his own agenda in this IPL

Kallis seems more interested in his fight with Sachin for the orange cap rather than in trying to secure a semi final berth for his team.

Let me remind Kallis that cricket is a team game, his orange cap is totally worthless and useless to us if we cannot make it to the semis.

Okay, so Kallis has fucked up here and there for the RCB. As a captain, he has every right to criticize him. But questioning his commitment to the game is pretty uncalled for. He speaks like a bloody gossip magazine rather than a captain, but why am I surprised? Anil Kumble was never captain material. Just for the record, I am not lashing out on him because he said something about Kallis, although I am a Kallis lover. If you visit his page you will see him saying unsavoury things about the others too. People who are already out of form, being judged by their 'captain' on twitter. Nice eh? 

Then he justifies his outburst with this:

Sorry for my outburst about Kallis, it is a do or die game today, pressure to win is too much, team bosses say even my job is on the line.

Kallis is my dear friend, I can understand his liking for all things orange including caps, after all we were playing in the 'orange' city. 

His job is on the line, so he takes it out on others. Way to handle the pressure old man! Hey Anil, if you can't deal with the captaincy, don't take it. This: the tweeting, the public speaking, keeping it together when your job is on the line...all of this shit is part of being a captain.  

And let ME remind YOU that it is because of Kallis' indomitable form in the beginning that RCB is in the running for the semis. But maybe you want him to do all the work like South Africa. What the fuck would South Africa do without Jacques Kallis? Well that's a question I don't even want to think about.

I know what you are going to say here: Kallis has a big fat ego. Well my answer to that is, some people are justified in having an ego. Jacques Kallis is one of them.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Why should I fucking run mate?

There was a wonderful incident at the game yesterday. KP had become temporarily Saffa, taking a stunning catch (Yes, I am claiming that as a result of his Saffa genes. The English don't turn 360 degrees in mid-air like that) and of course molesting Jakes like no tomorrow. But KP was actually over-excited yesterday. He was involved in most field changes, moving around like he was on battery. So, when he came out at number three (after his lover Jakes had failed), and started thwarting the bowlers around people were sort of expecting it. At this point he may have been feeling like a Saffer or English. We never know when he takes on what identity. And the fact that the Poms call him a Saffa the minute he starts sucking doesn't help our dilemma either.

Anyway, the already confused lad, now has to assume a third identity. That of a RCBian (Evidently, that's the official term. Don't ask!). And there is no shortage of criticism there for him either. He fucked up one game and they dropped him and called him a useless git. I happily listened to them, I am not very fond of KP. But if you really think about it, he didn't deserve it. Just like Kallis didn't deserve those harsh words from Kumble. But that's another post where I fry Kumble for thinking Kallis is going to fucking babysit the team that think Cameron White is more valuable than Mark Boucher.

Back to the incident. It was very English, or rather Saffa-English as Michael Lumb had demonstrated earlier in the match. Both of them charged down the pitch like bulls with thyroid problems and refused to acknowledge the fact that their partners had signalled 'no'. KP has done this before, so we were not surprised. But we were delighted about was the fact that once given out, KP turned around to say "Fucking run mate" and then "Fuck man" to his team-mate Kohli, while lovely pig Shane Warne stood by laughing at them.

We loved it. As did we love the strong arm that KP put around Kohli afterwards, pretending to show him some love but actually strangling him so he smiled for the camera. It was comedy all around. Including Dravid trying to console KP right after. And we all know Dravid had to frequently run with Saurav Ganguly. That couldn't have been fun.

What this incident is going to lead to is something that I'm sure the IPL has brought up before: the question of whether IPL teams can actually evoke the same sentimentality and pride that cricketers feel when representing their national teams, enough for them to overcome the fact that their team-mates are actually their competitors  the rest of the 10 months (unless some of them play county as well). Could Kohli really have cared enough to sacrifice himself for the man that was clearly much more settled than he was, seeing as the man was not a fellow Indian cricketer? Should Kohli have cared? The obvious answer is yes. They are a fucking team and they get paid gazillions of dollars (and free alcohol when you are a RCBian) to be a team. But it does not necessarily mean that the players are emotionally that much charged up to give their everything. Kohli might have ran down the pitch for say, M.S or Yuvraj, but for KP...not so much. And you can't really blame him. This is the guy he is going to fight in another slogfest in about two weeks.

At this point, we obviously have the age-old argument of how a sportsman should always uphold team spirit no matter what team they are representing. To which I say, bull fucking shit. This is not football, where your club team comes first. In cricket the national team is and will always be top priority. Meaning subconsciously, KP will always be Kohli's opposition and KP will probably not think twice before swearing at him, like he would have even if Owais Shah had been at the other end.

Plus, poor KP is already lost. Don't burden him with any more issues of identity crisis. But know this: whether he is Saffa, English or RCBian, he will always run himself out like an idiot at some point. It's called KP cricket. Get used to it.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Naked men

Deccan may yet go to the semis, thanks to RCB, so they celebrate by having a big pool party. Because they are a good disciplined team, they swim in a line or rather stare at the camera in a line, keeping their captain in the centre. Except for Roy, who as expected, breaks away from the rest and breaks out into a dance. He is semi-naked and has a less than attractive backside, but his dancing is nearly perfect.

Meanwhile, RCB work hard in the nets to make sure they win their game against the fat and twat Royals tomorrow. I will be supporting them of course. I want both my teams in the semis and since bloody Mumbai have forced their way in, that only leaves one spot. It can be anybody. I say that because I know for sure that it won't be KKR or Punjab. All my dreams have come true, and hence I want to LOL like a thirteen year old.


Thank bucva for finding this amongst a shit load of precious RCB videos.

Missing: Shakib Al Hasan

DOB: March 24th, 1987
Missing: Since England's departure from Bangladesh-why couldn't they just take him with them in their luggage?
Age now: Teeny tiny 23
Sex: Male
Race: Rice and Fish
Hairy: Wavy black
Eyes: Deep brown and thoughtful
Height: 5ft 9 inch but looks smaller
Weight: Fit
Missing from: Mirpur Stadium, Dhaka, Bangladesh
Identifying Characteristics: Left arm covered in brilliance, fingers in the left arm able to produce bright lights, can be dangerous when carrying a bat, but only on days his brain is not infested by bacteria.

Last seen Shakib was upset at himself for getting himself stumped at the verge of his second test hundred. You can cearly understand why we are concerned.

Please contact: Worcestershire, or Alastair Cook who may be hiding him in his basement. 

Monday, April 12, 2010

South Africa may have a death bowler

It is a bit disconcerting that the candidate is a redheaded Britney Spears by the name of Rusty Theron, but apparently the man doesn't strut his ball around the way he struts his ass. Which is kind of a relief because I don't think shaking the ball left and right constitutes as bowling, and the Saffers kind of picked him for the World T20 as a bowler.

Rusty's inclusion in the team is possibly in place of Wayne, who is injured. It should also be mentioned that Wayne gets wickets in T20, so if Rusty gets a game, he will have to work very hard. Dale and co. are kind of...well failing to get batsmen out. I don't know how that works, because Dale is actually bowling well. Anyway, we will bitch about that later. For now let's focus on Rusty.

I said before that Rusty may not get a game. But that was before he became Punjab's chosen one for the death overs. Rusty DOES get wickets. South Africa is terrible at cleaning up the tail without giving away an appalling number of runs, and I feel Rusty can put an end to that. I'm not referring to just the super over against Chennai. There was nothing really super about that over anyway, other than the one ball that got Hayden. It was a good over, but not super. 

That doesn't matter. What matters is that Rusty bowls a mean length and despite being a tad suspicious on the dance floor, is pretty effective on the field. He even has a mean face:

Maybe it's because his name is Juan "Rusty" Theron. That would piss anybody off. But as long as he gets wickets for South Africa, I will happily join in the anger.

What am I saying? I will happily join in the anger anytime. But the wickets must be taken, Rusty. They must be taken.

Herschelle is retiring

All of a sudden My Herschelle is all over the internet and is being advised to be so. He said it himself, in one of his diary entries that he has been asked to tweet. Gibbsy is no longer getting games, so to keep him under the radar his agents have brought him into the social networking sites. The guy has been playing cricket for about twenty years now and he just got himself a nice website. This has retirement written all over it.

The website is pretty okay. Mark Boucher's new website looks similar to his so I'm guessing they are under the same management. The only new thing that it revealed to me is that Herschelle has a son name Rashard Fuller. Don't ask me when this happened, I wasn't there. It also has some nice off the pitch pictures of him, where he is topless most of the time. But trust me that is not the most scary part of the website. There is a topless picture of the Buffalo wearing yellow shades...and he is thin. It was quite eerie, like going back to the past.

Herschelle is pretty new to Twitter so he is still replying to everybody. This is your chance to go bother him before he has twenty thousand followers and puts a sexy background picture of him murdering yet another bowler. By then, he would surely have retired and spending much of his time keeping his fans updated. Maybe even starring in a reality show about a cricketer who lost his way and is slowly making it back to sanity.

Just for the record, I hope none of the above happens.  

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Steven Finn

I am about to make yet another traitorous confession: I like Steven Finn. And not because I foresee him crumbling under the pressure of being a frontline English pace bowler. I genuinely like him.

The fact that I also like Jimmy Anderson might have already told you that I have a thing for quality pace bowlers. Jimmy isn't always that fast, but I remember when he first came to the scene people were more excited about his looks and Beckhamish hair than his bowling. He didn't live upto the hype of course but then he learned to swing the ball and all of a sudden Jimmy was a new bowler. I like the fact that he failed, learned his lesson and came back with a bang.

Steven Finn is the man of the hour so I'm pretty sure I don't have to repeat his heroics from the last two days. I saw him bowl and I was pretty impressed with his ability to make the batsman play. Of course this is Division Two so I find all this excitement surrounding him and the Ashes a bit premature. However, he did pretty okay against Bangladesh. Took wickets, had a decent economic rate...basically fulfilled his duties as a backup bowler. But the Aussies are pretty pissed at the Poms so they may just kill the newbie. And that can't be good. Specially for me, since I am rarely excited about English pace bowlers.   

But so far, I like Steven Finn only for his bowling as he is yet to screw up as per Pommie tradition and make a comeback. Which means, I don't like him that much. Just the right amount for me to not bitch about him like I do about Broad. No wait, I bitch about Broad because I really dislike him and he is not a bowler.

This is confusing.

Let's just leave it at, I like Steven Finn. Fullstop.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Sabotage deux

Since it's time for allegations again, I have one of my own. There is obviously an Indian connection, because no accusation is complete without a trail back to the subcontinent. Only in cricket though. For the rest of the world, no accusation is complete without a connection to the Middle East. But with Afghanistan making a mark, this may also be true in the world of cricket soon.

This is not a match fixing allegation but one of sabotage. The accused is Praveen Kumar and at the receiving end we have his beloved RCB team-mate and South Africa's only hope in the upcoming T20 World Cup, Jacques Kallis. The chosen method of sabotage was arm-wrestling, which was clearly meant to be a friendly match. But here's a picture of Praveen realizing in the middle that this is his chance to make sure that Jacques Kallis does not play when South Africa meets India in the group stages. Thus, he attempts to break Kallis' hand:

 Picture courtesy of Prafs

Judging from Jakes' current form the plan may or may not have worked. But he is clearly in pain and one more attempt may put him out for a few weeks. And there may be more as Jakes is there for another 2 weeks or so. Realizing the gravity of the situation, my alien soon-to-be-adopted son (we have reconciled and are trying to be a family again), ROFL have volunteered to donate his arm to Jakes, in case Praveen succeeds.

Picture courtesy of Official Website of RCB

That's right, team-mates for life! Oh and Praveen, even though he plays for Rajasthan, Morne wanted you to know that he is not amused.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Morne's growth as a bowler

Morne's growth as a bowler is so under the radar that we have not been able to detect it. In fact, you have to have a certain level of faith in him to see that he has grown. And I know many of you don't because he is Albie's brother and look what Albie did to your faith. Instead of pounding it out of the ground he stomped all over it, on his way to yet another miserable single. Pitiful I tell you.

Right, so back to Morne. He might have been beyond brilliant against England at home, but to prove his growth, he will have to be beyond brilliant overseas as well. Then only will he be considered a versatile bowler and hence a dangerous one. But this is something he has yet to do.

Or so you thought.

To prove Morne's case, I present to you a photo, one that has been uploaded in this blog before. However, a repeat publication is necessary because the significance of the picture that will come after, is lost if this one is not seen first. So here it is:

Once again, as I did before with this photo, I will draw your attention to Morne's t-shirt. It's a racoon on a bike unless I am mistaken. Very gutsy, very in your face. All necessary qualities for a fast bowler. We now move on to the second picture:

Morne is wearing the same t-shirt but this time it is black and the racoon on the bike is red.

Thus we have versatility.

And I rest my case.

Figuring out Sreesanth

You might conclude from my obsession with the bald man that I like bad boys in general. That is not the case. Honestly, I only like bad boys by the name of Herschelle Gibbs because of what he can do on the field. Which basically means Sreesanth is not somebody I am fond of.

He has the potential, but he wastes it all on clapping and crying. Sometimes even dancing.I doubted he did much else off the field and I was right. When I googled Sree I found all these videos of him dancing and that's when everything fell into place.

The guy is in the wrong profession. And to prove it, here's a video where he is dragged on stage by Sharukh Khan to dance. He says he isn't ready, but will try his best. Then he just busts out all these moves with the twenty dancers copying him to perfection. Just like a Bollywood movie.

Next, he shows up in some reality show in costume and all and hops and jumps everywhere. He even rolls on the ground. But his biggest achievement is inspiring Wasim Akram to come on stage with him. Wasim dances with a girl, not so reluctantly.

Notice, Durby is not so amused through most of it.

I doubt he is able to inspire any amateur bowler the way he inspired one of cricket's greatest players. Surely that is a clear cut sign that he belongs on stage and not on a cricket field? Somebody go and tell him. Let's not allow another person to perish in a job which isn't for them.

BTW, I forgot to mention. Don't watch the videos till the end. You might die.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Twitter war

Graeme Smith tweets this morning during the Rajasthan vs Punjab game,
"Sreesanth behaving like a 5 year old again!!"

Sreesanth, not too far from technology himself, logs into his twitter account and replies,
"Graeme Smith is obsessed with Sreesanth's manly face and naiive demeanour. Cage Smith, help Sreesanth"

Enraged by the homosexual allegations Smith replies,
"Sreesanth is an idiot and behaves like a 5 year old...again!!"

Sreesanth's rebuttal,
 " Sreesanth's way is the aggressive way but Sreesanth has learnt peace since Bhajji slapped Sree. So Sreesanth will do the bhangra dance and maybe Smith will stop loving Sreesanth then."

"Sreesanth is a 5 year old idiot who dances like a 5 year old idiot!!"

"Bhajji likes my dancing, so Sreesanth is happy. Sreesanth does not like Graeme Smith. Sreesanth tell Yusuf Abdullah to slap him"

"HAHA! Yusuf is junior to Graeme Smith and also a 5 year old idiot!!"

"Sreesanth will not cry, Sree won't cry, no no no....Sreesanth is crying! Sree will not continue this war anymore as Sree can't see Sree's monitor through the tears. Preity, please give Sree a hug."

"Wait! You can't walk out now! I thought of a new insult! You look like a 5 year old...MONKEY!"

And some other animal that Graeme didn't know the name of:

This picture is courtesy of Republique Cricket. Thanks for the perfect ending Suave!

Sreesanth's twitter account may or may not be legitimate. That does nothing to hamper this fictitious but soon to be true war.

Harro plans his WC campaign

I kid you not. Paul Harris has left the Titans in order to play MTN40...so he can prepare himself for the upcoming World Cup. Paul Harris wants to play in WC 2011 in the subcontinent where there will be no fifth day turning pitches. In fact, I am pretty sure that there will be no pitches that can make Harro's ball turn. Why? Well, because such pitches don't exist yet.

He wants to add to his 3 ODI's and 42 List A games. He has taken about 3 wickets in the 3 ODI's at a stunning strike rate of 60 and an average of 27.66. But at least his economic rate has been 2.76, which is not too bad. However, his case can only be made through his List A figures:

42 matches, 1251 runs, 47 wickets, average of 26.61, strike rate 37.2 and economic rate of 4.28. He even has a five wicket haul. But fuck me if that isn't rubbish. ROFL's strike rate in List A is at least 8 lower and the bugger has 97 wickets from 63 matches. I'll refrain from making a comparison with Botha because his figures are even worse than Paul's.

Yet Botes is in the ODI team.

So should the Saffers go for the man who has more experience playing ODI's or the man who has better List A figures? Dropping ROFL is out of the question of course, because his alien friends might eat Majola. But I suspect Botes and Harro will have to battle it out. Except this is the fucking World Cup and really, shouldn't we be judging Harro by ACTUAL ODI's? Even if he has only three of them under his belt, he was clearly terrible. And they were all played against Bangladesh in..wait for it...BANGLADESH!

Where is the World Cup taking place? Yes, I believe Bangladesh is one of the hosts. They may not play there but it's the fucking sub-continent! And Harro has played only 3 god damn ODI's there!

Plus, Harro isn't much of a bowler...but you already know that so I don't have to repeat all of it again. Lastly, I suspect that by the time the WC gets here, everybody will have figured out how to belt the shit out of him.

As if they haven't already.


Lately, I've found it impossible to watch cricket. This is not some dig at the IPL. I am pretty meh about it. Meaning, I really don't care as long as there is cricket to watch and rant about. But not this time. This time I am stuck.

You need to know a little background info before I say anything further. I can watch every minute of a test match between Bangladesh and Zimbabwe, in fact I have. I sat patiently through every day of the India vs Sri Lanka tests and ODI's. I even tuned in to watch the seven ODI's between Australia and England and later on Australia and India. If I had access to domestic cricket, I would probably have watched that too. Cricket just draws me like a zombie to the living (you weren't expecting the traditional analogy were you?).

This is the first time I am watching the IPL from the very beginning. I started following it midway last year since I did not get it on tv and only decided later that annoying live streams that don't work, are a small price to pay for cricket. I wasn't blown away by it but it was a necessary dose. This year for the first time ever, I switched off a cricket match and went to study. It wasn't the match because I wasn't that thrilled to watch the next couple of games either.I joined twitter thinking it will be fun during matches. But even that failed to excite me. I was appalled to learn there are 20 more group games to go (Thanks Adi for increasing my misery!).

This has never happened to me before, so I am genuinely trying to figure out why I don't give a shit about the IPL. I only check the score or look at my live stream when someone says something interesting on twitter or I realize that a Saffa is playing. But really, I can't focus on it for more than a couple of minutes. I will every game to end even before they have started.

If you think I am sick, then please prescribe me something. If you think it's the IPL then call Modi and tell him not to extend this to 94 matches next year. I am pretty certain people will stop watching half-way and only come back during the semis. As I am probably going to do from now on.

But what about my daily dose of cricket then? Do any of you have a link to county cricket? Or Pro20? Cricket tragic over here very desperate for some matches...but can't watch the ones she has access too!

Life is truly cruel.

Oh no!

I have some bad news for you lot. The people over at World Cricket Watch think this is an exciting blog. They even put me in a list of 40 Most Exciting Cricket Blogs. There I am sitting pretty amongst names like CWB, 99.94, King Cricket, BCC!, Thoughts from the Dustbin, SOAL, Cricket=Action=Art, Poshin's World, SarahCanterbury, Swanning About, Test Match Sofa, Iain O' Brien, The Boundary Rider, The Old Batsman and many more. (This list is almost as long as the original one...!)

It's an abomination, I know. But since this is the first list that I have been a part of and probably the last, I will gladly take it. I also like the description they put of me, mainly because I've never heard anyone sum up this blog before. I myself take everything there is about cricket and fuck it up badly, so I can't really put a description. But this is what it may be:

Exploring the phenomenon that is cricketing celebrity, Cricket Minded goes beyond the boundary into some of the cricketing social circles that others can only dream of.

Damn IPL pictures have turned me into TMZ. But what the hell eh? At least I am the only blog to have a cricketer shake his ass on their home page.

I do have to warn you that this means I am going to be even more obnoxious and swear at the cricketers I dislike a lot more. Or I may get increasingly worse as more people come here to be "excited". Then you all will need to escape, so I suggest you go over and look at the other 39 blogs on the list. There are some pretty great ones out there and one day they will definitely help you recover from the psychological disorder that is Cricket Minded.

Oh, that sums it up pretty nicely doesn't it?

Monday, April 5, 2010

The injustice continues

And this times some of the cricketers look downright ecstatic to be in the video.

Some moments to look out for:
-Dirk Nannes shaking his booty
-Shane Warne over-acting
-Dave Warner pretending to be Egyptian
-Hersch looking confused
-Lumb doing a bad version of the hokey pokey
-Moises dancing like a girl

Is it a coincidence that four out of six people in this list are Australian? I don't think so.


There is something I need your help with. I need you to identify a body. It's not dead. It's very much alive and strutting its stuff on the dance floor like Beyonce on drugs.

The individual has been identified on photo captions as Cameron Leon White. If it sounds familiar, you are probably not wrong. That is the name of Australia's polar bear-like ODI sensation. Maybe even future captain. But further investigation shows that Cameron Leon White does not look like this:

He looks like this:

So the question remains, who is this red haired person impersonating Cam White and why didn't the IPL security people check his ID before allowing him to slander White's good name all over the dance floor? I mean look at that booty! Even the girl in the red dress has nothing on him!

I also like how Brett Lee looks away, while keeping a straight face.

Saffa T20 WC squad

First of all, why the fuck is this tournament taking place again? Didn't they agree to have one every two years? How silly to fight over a cup every year. This isn't a beauty pageant you idiots!

Anyway, now that it is upon us and after the ever-lasting IPL, we might as well embrace it. I suspect I will have to embrace it for a few days anyway, because of this squad:

Graeme Smith (capt), Jacques Kallis (vice-capt), Loots Bosman, Johan Botha, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Herschelle Gibbs, Rory Kleinveldt, Charl Langeveldt, Albie Morkel, Morne Morkel, Dale Steyn, Juan Theron, Roelof van der Merwe. 

What's wrong with it you say? Well let's start with the Buffalo, who is coming off an injury. This will be his first international game since the broken finger. Yes, he has had to bat with his broken finger/hand/elbow/some part of his upper limb a lot of times, so he should be able to deal with it by now. Works in theory, not always in practice.

AB, JP, Hersch are in terrible form. JP is yet to play in an IPL game. AB was dropped because he was struggling, just like my Hersch. Mark and Dale were also dropped for no reason. Regardless, Mark hasn't been awesome with the bat in T20's and Dale, although a feared T20 bowler hasn't really been taking wickets. They can't win without taking wickets. And the Saffers don't have any other wicket takers. Johan has also been sitting, like ROFL. Morne's wides makes Albie look like a bowler. Albie may or may not have found his mojo again. But we can't rely on his yo-yo form. And of course, there is no Wayne.

That leave Jakes, Loots Bosman,Kleinveldt, Charl and his one eye and Juan Theron. Juan is a debutant and Rory hasn't played an international match since 2008. Does it matter? He probably won't get a game. This mean it's upto Loots and Jakes to win matches against India and Afghanistan. Unless the Afghans pull off an upset, the Saffers will probably make it to round two as the second team.

And then crash out.

The only consolation we can take from this is that they won't be crashing out in the semis. No choking for them this time around! YES!

See how well I fake excitement?

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Swann is a naughty boy

Swannyg66 celebrated his birthday in style like the proper tambourine playing rock-star that he is. It was frightfully exciting. The chin, the song, the cake, the booze, the girl, the car and of course the arrest.

That Swanny is a regular rebel, I tell you. Driving a car with alcohol in his blood. How very, very naughty! And then managing to get arrested? Ooh, how are you girls curbing your desires to throw yourselves at him? He is SO exciting!

I of course have no such desires, because I realize that he is merely trying to emulate my Hersch who has ALREADY been arrested on similar charges. And many more. Hersch is like the king of Naughtiland. And of course, the mayor of Matureville.

What I want to know is how the ECB is reacting to all this. Is Swanny's Ashes place in line? Will they make him join MADD to show that Swanny actually condems drinking and driving? Will Freddie step in to advice Swanny on how to save his career? All very important questions.

I suspect the Aussies will be very disappointed if Swanny doesn't go. They might even let the English keep the Ashes. Now how will that make their supporters feel? Oh Swanny, in your attempt to be an uber cool god-like rockstar, you forgot about the ordinary man. Tsk tsk.

But maybe Swanny will recover from this tragedy in time for the Ashes. He is not very pretty you see. You all know what happens to pretty people in jail...

Friday, April 2, 2010

AB is a swinger

I think I have tracked down AB's girlfriend. Not that it was the goal of my life...except it kind of was. Because I am getting sick of the IPL. Oh my god I said something bad about the IPL! You'll probably find my body in a ditch soon. So before that happens, let me share these pictures with you.

Oh yes, please pick out AB's girlfriend and let me know. I have no idea!

That t-shirt is surreal

I don't even want to know what she is saying


WTF Deccan!

I followed the game today with much interest as Deccan had lost the last two. I am a certified masochist (copyright Mahek), I know. But I really wanted to see Deccan's come back. That's why I tuned in, to see them take out the anger and pain of two losses on a clueless and stuttering Kolkata. The opposite happened.

First, Ganguly made a 50. Just not a 50, he fell 12 short of a century. Saurav Ganguly- never known for his explosive batting style. Meaning, Deccan's bowling was so pitiful people wanted to donate to them. Here's a yorker Roach, see if you can get a wicket.

Roach was beyond sad. Just thinking about his bowling makes me want to feed him to roaches. Was that lame? Well, so was his bowling.

The bald man had moments of brilliance- the two catches and of course the first over where he ravaged Parmar like he was a nothing bowler. Like the good big match player he is, he scored a 50...then got out. But that was not the WTF moment. Roy and Gibbs scoring in singles was. Together, they made the required run rate go from 9.05 to 12 something. No you are not reading this wrong. ROY and GIBBS took fucking singles till the run rate went up.

I would say they were match-fixing again but I have no evidence. Wait, who needs evidence when its Gibbsy in India?

Whatever it is now Deccan probably have no chance of going to the second round. They are second last, above Punjab and BELOW KKR. That is miserable.

My only hope now is RCB...RBC. Whatever the fuck they call themselves.But they have decided that it is a smart move to replace Bouch with KP. Obviously they lost. Well done shitheads.

Sigh. That's all I have to say.