What a break does to you

Pictures courtesy of Cricket South Africa:

Can't...run..too..much..beer

Methinks a liposuction is in order 

You are a friggin' FAST BOWLER!

Err, missed him much Hash?

See, I wasn't completely on crack when I insisted that they should play ALL THE TIME! 

And yes Maky is back. As is Justin Kemp. At least for the training.

The adoption of ROFL

Children, it's been decided. For months now I have struggled with the decision to adopt this strange looking yet absolutely endearing alien. Most of the time my struggle was directly correlated to his performance on the pitch.

Wickets= leaning towards adoption.
Wicket less = Hell no!

Then he got dropped from the ODI team, came back, performed miserably got dropped again...I didn't have time to support his difficult days. He has a wife for that, which incidentally is news to me. The mother is always the last to know, how very typical.

I only wanted to revel in his good days. I mean, if I wanted a troubled child I would have one of my own. Why adopt an alien?

But now, I have no choice. Even though he is not back in the squad and kind of proving himself to be a little shit and predictable, I am left with no other option but to adopt him. A great force has compelled me. This force, unfortunately, did not rise from hidden maternal instincts. Instead, it was born out of a pair of pants.

ROFL went to CSA's annual golf day in these pants.
ROFL let other people see him in these pants.
ROFL posed for a picture in these pants.

He might not be my son yet, but he is a Protea and no member of my team shall ever look like...well, like this! A half man, half zebra with an alien residing in the middle. This is a crime against humanity, nearly punishable by death although, I am pretty sure PETA will kill us before we can kill that zebra.

I think we can safely say that ROFL will have to work really hard to become a regular in the squad again but there is no reason why he can't look like a normal person while he is at it. That is where I come in. From now on, ROFL is my son.

You can address all gifts to me. I will pass them onto him when he comes of age.

Smith in twitter controversy

During the Rajasthan Royal vs Punjab game, Graeme Smith tweeted the following:

Good start 4 the royals!pls tell me if sreesanth really needs to behave like such an idiot!!!!

CSA moved swiftly and quickly (a necessary redudancy to stress on how fast they moved) to control the damage. Graeme Smith's twitter account has been suspended indefinitely and he is to see Gerald Majola in a hearing at 6am Cape Town time. Also present in the hearing will be John Howard writing a practical exam for the ICC. Giles Clark will be present, through webcam and in his pajamas. Details of the pajamas are to be kept secret.

Sreesanth started excreting body fluids in the form of tears since Smith pressed enter as he wears an ear piece connected to his phone in his pocket, which gives him twitter updates. One with technology you know, this future generation. Anyway, last heard, he may be able to bring the Dead Sea to life. 

Somewhere, someone has cried racism. It's still obscure, but will be prominent very, very soon. No one in India gives a shit, as it is only Sreesanth and probably justified.

Of course, all that you just read is fictional and it may or may not happen. What is NOT fictional is the fact that Punjab lost and Sreesanth swore. Like the 15 other players in this IPL.  

Tempting Allan

Dear Allan,

How are the eyes? They have been looking a little tired lately. Put two tea bags over them every night and use some skin rejuvenating moisturizer. I'm sure Jonty has some good ones. That dude never looks old.

But I am not writing to you re: you lovely eyes. I need to know why you said this .

I am terribly distressed with the news. What do you need Allan? Tell me. I will make it happen.

Graeme Smith will let my Herschelle have a bowl. Do you really not want to be there when he re-launches is career as the number one bowler of 2010?

Albie will stop bowling. This I promise you.

JP will learn the look. You know the look where you burn batsmen with your eyes? Although, his face is kind of...how should I put it? Round. I don't know how threatening round faces are. Square, now that's a scary shape.

Stay Allan. CSA will send you a contract any day. They need you to be their bowling coach. We need you to breed Morne, Parnie and even ROFL if you can. Literally breed them. Like horses. Won't that be much more pleasant than bonding with Barbie over his latest lipstick collection?

Stay Allan. I beg you.

AB my baby

CSA has a competition going on in their Facebook fan page where you have to tell them why AB is your baby.You must get over there now.

Tell them that you are sick of your own kids and would like to hit them but something silly like 'laws' prohibit you.

Tell them AB's better looking than your children and that's really why you wanted kids in the first place. To show them off to the world.

Tell them that whatever it is you wanted your children to be, AB's already done it...and more.

Tell them that you want to comb his hair, feed him greens and sing him lullabies.

AB's opened your eyes to the wonders of motherhood and broken all the walls that you had built.

AB needs a mother. Will it be you?

If you are still in denial, think about it. You get to wear this fabulous t-shirt and tell the world that you are simply obsessed because your child is AB de Villiers.


They will understand. After all they had fought for the t-shirt too.

If you fought hard and didn't get the T-shirt, you can tell me here why AB is your baby. I too will give you something special.

All Talk

In his post-match interview, Graeme Smith has been feeding the media the same old garbage. This garbage has been provided to him by CSA and is his standard answer after every god damn loss. Which, has been a little too often lately.

"From our perspective, we've got a lot of young guys in key decision making areas, and they need to learn quickly and grow with the responsibility that's been put on their shoulders, to move the team forward."
Smith said there was real quality within the South African squad, and they were working towards the future.

The words of interest are 'learn quickly', 'move forward' and not to forget the over used one: 'future'.

So this learning quickly bit, what kind of a pace are we talking about Graeme? The pace with which you used to chase balls when you were a fat-ass only a few months ago? 'Cause I've got news for you. That won't work. And as for learning ANYTHING at all, if this lot don't know how to keep up consistent performances AFTER the 'Golden Eighteen Months', then why are they even in the fucking team?

Other than McLaren and Peterson, ALL OF THEM, were a part of that South African Campaign. And correct me if I am wrong, but CONSISTENCY had a big part to play in those wins. But apparently, even after remaining consistent for a whole season, the Saffers have not learned the trick to it.And the mindset, conditions, opposition tactics are changing so drastically from venue to venue in a span of two days...that all their knowledge and training have become ineffective.

Then we move on to the future talk. We have been hearing about this future for god knows how long. It's been said so many times by Biff in the past few months that I had to look up the definition to make sure I have not been deceived all these years.

The Oxford Dictionary defines the future as 'time that is still to come'. Of course the Oxford Dictionary is English so one might argue that there is some deliberate sabotage going on there. But I fear it is the correct definition. What I don't understand is, what is this future that they keep on referring to and why isn't it here yet? Are we talking about a time when machines have taken over humans? Oh shit! It has happened already. It's called having a Blackberry. Then WHERE IS THIS FUTURE THAT GRAEME AND HIS BOSSES KEEP ON TALKING ABOUT?

(I know the Blackberry reference is random, but I am just really annoyed with my laptop right now)

I'm tired of excuses. Say it like it is Graeme. Tell them you lot are not fulfilling your potentials. Not 'learning' and 'building towards the future', just plain, fucking FAILING to execute your talents.

Then expect another rant from me on why your failure is just a state of mind that you idiots need to get over and not use as an excuse.