"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

It sucks to be Brett Lee

This is not a continuation of the Buffalo post, but I couldn't find a more apt title for the disaster that is Binga's career. No hear me out, it IS a disaster.

First of all, the injuries. Oh so many of them! And even though he looks, dresses, sings like Twatto he is hardly an opener who knows how to bowl. He is a fast bowler and those folks pick up injuries that break them down. One at a time. Binga's elbow and knees have endured so much, the Federal Mutant Detectors are keeping an eye on him.
I lie. There is no such thing, but if there was Binga would be on their list.

Second of all, he has to be the only fast bowler in the world who got sidelined/dropped from the team despite being in good form. He hasn't lost the ability to take wickets, he hasn't lost his pace, he is still fit (minus that apple butt...has anyone noticed that THAT thing never changes shape?)...and yet he is not in the starting XI! It's not his fault really. A tirade of young fast bowlers have emerged for the Aussies in all three formats and it's probably the right way to go. But that's hardly a consolation for Tweety man right?

Third, his IPL stint. This is really based on today's game but very little is going well for him these days. Sure he got chosen for the WC T20 because of the IPL, but is he going to get a game? If Nannes is fit (evidently he is now injured) and Shaun Tait continues to be the speedy bastard that he is, Binga will be the drinks man. Oh wait, Witchy's in the squad. So Binga will probably have to sit in the dressing room with his guitar.

Which brings us to the fourth problem, his music. Yes, he is going to be writing the official song for WC 2011 but that doesn't mean we will like it. And neither does it mean he is a rock star. Cricket Australia needed a gentle way to inform him that he will not be getting a game and ICC wanted to make some budget cuts. So the two brainstormed and came up with this brilliant plan.

Brett Lee will open and close with his official WC song. That way he will get to be around the Aussies boys throughout the tournament AND ICC don't have to spend that much on the ceremonies.

The only good part of it all is that Binga can't produce a customary wide or no-ball while performing. Unless he misses a beat or goes off key.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Crashraful inches his way in again

The Bangladesh squad for WC T20 has been announced:

Shakib Al Hasan (capt), Mushfiqur Rahim (vice-capt/wk), Tamim Iqbal, Imrul Kayes, Mohammad Ashraful, Aftab Ahmed, Mahmudullah, Naeem Islam, Mashrafe Mortaza, Abdur Razzak, Shafiul Islam, Rubel Hossain, Syed Rasel, Suhrawadi Shuvo, Jahurul Islam (wk)

I would bitch and moan about the return of the midget monstrosity but I get the feeling no matter which team we pick, we have already lost it. In fact, I can predict the loss now.

We are playing Australia and Pakistan. This may be T20 and unpredictive but with Ricky no longer captaining Ozland and Shahid Afridi finally getting the position he has been vying for, I doubt we can do anything to win our matches. So I guess Raful can play. Probably in place of Kayes.

At least Mashrafe is back to bowl his stunning deliveries during the death overs. You know the ones that go so far over the boundary you need binoculars to spot them? Yeah those. Good times ahead!

I have infiltrated twitter

I decided to join twitter because my exams are coming up and I actually have time to study. So I thought I would have a Doritos Spicy Sweet Chilli moment of delusion and waste it all.

It's fun and addictive. But for you it's a Loreal Wrinkle Defense type of sadness because now I am going to be stinking up the web world even more.

You can follow me if you want. If you can tolerate me, I will make you a Sony Ericsson follower. Not that you will care.

I promise you I don't brand everything so lamely on twitter. I haven't even sworn on it yet.

Now that's a Citi Moment of Success.

Thank you IPL!

No genuinely. Delhi dropped AB as soon as Colly Buttniggle joined them. It's a good thing. Because I have realized that AB has no competition in the Saffa team. He can play in any position so it's usually other players who get dropped and AB fills their spot.

Wouldn't that make you feel invincible? It's not his fault. I would have felt the same.

But not in the Delhi team. There are people who can replace him, if he isn't doing well. Not on the field, but with Dave Warner opening, Gautam Gambhir back and Colly bowling well, I'm guessing they can forego the fielding. He kind of found his form in the last game he played, but at this stage in the IPL it is difficult to bank on kind of.

Dussey the ordinary, added to his woes by taking an extraordinary catch too. And he plays for KKR. That's like a slap that rebounded and came and hit you again. Yes, just like Dussey's catch. How clever am I?

Anyway, it's a good thing. Now AB will fight for his place and try to outdo Dussey...hopefully returning back to his old self in the process. Here's to Delhi not picking him for the next game either. Don't pull a stupid move just because he is AB de Villiers. C'mon Delhi! We are banking on it.

Monday, March 29, 2010

When should Punter declare?

Option 1: When North gets a century
But North decided today he was satisfied with a 90, so he went.

Option 2: When Haddin gets a half century

No such luck, them 50's are not very fond of our Haddin. I think it's the Gilly curse.

Option 3: When Ritzy finally gets off the mark

But maybe...he will score a century too...the fastest in a test?

Option 4: When it is lunch time

Face.too.stuffed. Can't speak.

Option 5: When Australia bowl themselves out

Well since we only have Harris and Bolly to go...

Respect is what's missing

In the light of Mohammad Yousuf's retirement, I am attempting to be a little serious. Just the right amount, no less, no more.

The only thing you can hold against Yousuf is the fact that he made an emotional decision. Of course he made an emotional decision! And he has every right to because guess what? Sports is probably one of the most emotional concepts in society. And most of those who sit on the boards have no idea how it feels when you can move big, burly men to tears just by doing something you love. So don't judge Yousuf. It's a big decision to take on the dreams of so many fans around the world. And then to tell them that you won't be doing it anymore because your bosses don't know how to keep their shit together.

PCB disrespected Yousuf by banning him. He tried to bring the team together following Younis' rash decision, but couldn't. He couldn't because players in the camp realized that they could do whatever the fuck they want and get away with it, like little brats. They realized it because Younis quit. Younis quit because nobody from the PCB stepped in when all this stupid politics was going on.

I'm not trying to trace it back to the PCB and blame everything on them, although I don't think anyone will disagree with me if I did. The real problem here is not some individual or the board, but the attitude. PCB don't respect their players enough, the players don't respect the officials...I doubt they even respect each other. How the hell do you expect to have a functional team?

They treat each other like shit and point the finger wherever the finger bends. And I applaud Youhana for not wanting to be a part of this mess. Yes, it's an emotional decision. But the emotions stem from the fact that almost everyone involved in Pakistan cricket are a bunch of jokers and nobody bans them for being disrespectul, mindless, random and of course never doing their job properly.

As for him serving Pakistan, well why don't you first talk to those fuckers who are in the team and would rather do politics than play honestly? As opposed to barraging the person who probably did give his all for his team all these years.

Yousuf may be running, but those who are critizing him, aren't doing much to fix the lack of respect. So let him run.

Live threads at MTJAG's

You probably already know about it. We go, we watch matches live and bitch about the opposition or our own teams. What you didn't know was that we are all crappy cricket lovers. Our heroes are Agarkar, Ishant, KKR and the list goes on. We just got tired of praising those who are good.

That is why I am pimping this live thread. We want more people to join our attempts to make Ishant president and KKR the winners of IPL 3. Being crappy is the way to go children. Be sure of it.

I am also pimping this because apparently there is a comment of the day award every day. I won today and of course that is really the reason I am posting. I don't do anything unless I gain something from it.

The comment goes up on the front page, right hand corner of the blog. Go see it. And if you are Canadian, you will be proud of what I said.

Now that I've won once, I will of course by vying for a lot of attention by coming up with more witty stuff. If you think you can beat me, join us.

I challenge you.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Hersch-bad boy no more

I have proof, courtesy of Aditya.

I know Hersch isn't very good at covering his tracks but he isn't this blatant either. Plus, I am pretty sure he doesn't wear a wig.

Ooh, a bald man you thought! Must be that idiot Gibbs upto no good again. Oh no, no, no. Look how wrinkled his shirt is. Hersch is always immaculately dressed. 

Sorry, he doesn't wear glasses either.

Try and spot him, you won't be able to. He isn't there. Although Dave Warner is and he is bloody short! 

Here, I'll even give you a link. See if you can find a single picture of Herschelle Gibbs in the parties.

No? I thought so. Because he is here, and that's where he is staying put!

Who is Harbhajan Singh?

There seems to be a lot of confusion in Durby's mind as to who he actually is. In the beginning, he was an exciting prospect with lots of ideas underneath that turban, but young.

Then the prospect became a bowler that got wickets, had a doosra. Almost a feared one. Almost because his place in the side wasn't garaunteed. So he searched his soul, we think, and decided to listen to the Kiwi one, John Wright. His sense of identity might have been muddled then, as he being an Indian spinner took tips from a Kiwi opener. It helped his bowling, but the question is whether the semi-Kiwi transformation left a mark in his heart in the manner of an Indian pitch. Because he never learnt how to bowl anywhere else.

They kept on dropping him and picking him according to the availability of Anil Kumble or when Punjabi beats became so popular, you could hear them everywhere you went. His identity then was that of an entertainer.

So he stopped giving a shit about this bowling. Yet, somehow, he remained India's first choice spinner once Anil Kumble left. He was good, but only on the days that he wanted to. During that time, he was the face of pie-chucking on his bad days and the advocate of the word 'mother fucker' on his good days. Every batsman who gave their wicket to him was a mother fucker. Even if he had scored a duck. "Mother fucker, how dare you pad up and come to face me?".

Well maybe because on neither days, his identity said bowler.

Then at some point, he decided to bat. I'm not too sure when. Regardless, I doubt he takes the batting seriously as he had to borrow Sachin's bat yesterday. So I will not suggest that he thinks he is an all-rounder. Althought judging from his batting for Mumbai, I think his turban told him that he is. As did the man-of-the-match award.

You might conclude from this that Durby is a man that wears many hats, which usually means that he is talented and an asset to the team. But Durby defies the norm. He is unusual, always has been. Hence he is a man that is buried underneath his hats, trying to find his true identity. And not bowling in the process.

Although, I'm afraid that when he does find his true self, it might turn out that he is a mother-fucking monkey with anger management issues. Then we will have to venture on another journey to figure out whether monkeys can bowl.

When extraordinary fielders get run out

Okay so Ricky Ponting is hardly extraordinary these days, but he used to be once upon a time. Now, he is just pretty good.

But that is not the point. The point is when you are a good fielder, whatever would posses you to run between the wickets like you are taking a stroll through the park? Is it because you are not the fielder? Do you think just because it's not you they must all be Ashish Nehras?

Ricky Ponting has now been run out a stunning 13 times in tests, which is a world record. I know what you are thinking. Thirteen is not really a high number. Then let me remind you that it's a test, where there is rarely any need to take an urgent single. Which means that if you have been run out 13 times, it is a good indication that you thought Freddie didn't know how to hit the stumps. Because...well Freddie isn't Ricky Ponting!

Another mastermind of run outs of recent times has been AB de Villiers. He has only been run out 4 times in tests but his overall record (Tests, ODIs and T20s) is 13. Considering AB's only been playing 6 years compared to Ricky's 16 years and 43 overall run outs, I would say he is pretty much on track to beat that record. Plus, AB's specialty is running other people out. He forgets that he is faster than the average man.

It's quite funny. Especially when you realize Jonty Rhodes was only run out once in tests and 16 times overall. Not only did Jonty field like superman, he ran like someone was chasing him with a knife. And dived like he just discovered a swimming pool at the end of the pitch.

Actually, it's really frustrating. Ricky can keep up with it for entertainment value, but AB, well he needs to stop. Now.

Friday, March 26, 2010

New look

Because I get bored very easily.

But mostly because Blogger has decided to finally be awesome and give us these options. There are many more so the look may change more frequently from now on, because of the above reason.

You like?

Unfortunately, none of the pictures/patterns have anything remotely to do with cricket. There is a picture of a baseball that I contemplated putting, but then I realized I can't mislead you all. Wouldn't have worked anyway.

This is what I have been doing so I don't have to watch Deccan lose.

Deccan playing for a loss

Operation: Game against Rajasthan

General wish/want/endeavour: Win the game

Possible problems:
Shane Warne, Gilly's 'best mate'
Graeme Smith, not playing but still Hersch's 'close' friend
Shaun Tait's yorkers
Harsh Umpires

Things going Deccan's way (estimated) :
a) One wrong umpire decision
b) Nothing

Things Deccan can do to make it easier for Rajasthan: Run Andrew Symonds out, right after Herschelle goes.

Things Deccan can do to come out of this mess:
a) Call upon the Chaminda Vaas batting ghost of yesterday (if he even exists)
b) Stop getting run out
c) Ensure that Hersch gets 5 direct, successful hits
d) Call Shaun Tait fat thereby distracting him (The horrendous Rajasthan uniform makes him look curvy)
e) Get wickets
f) Let Kemar Roach play

Some last inspiring Hollywoodesque words during the strategic time-out: If you lose, they win. If you win, they lose. Work it out, it's not complicated.

Post match thoughts: Hersch decided to drop a catch instead. It hurt like a bitch.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Smith in twitter controversy

During the Rajasthan Royal vs Punjab game, Graeme Smith tweeted the following:

Good start 4 the royals!pls tell me if sreesanth really needs to behave like such an idiot!!!!

CSA moved swiftly and quickly (a necessary redudancy to stress on how fast they moved) to control the damage. Graeme Smith's twitter account has been suspended indefinitely and he is to see Gerald Majola in a hearing at 6am Cape Town time. Also present in the hearing will be John Howard writing a practical exam for the ICC. Giles Clark will be present, through webcam and in his pajamas. Details of the pajamas are to be kept secret.

Sreesanth started excreting body fluids in the form of tears since Smith pressed enter as he wears an ear piece connected to his phone in his pocket, which gives him twitter updates. One with technology you know, this future generation. Anyway, last heard, he may be able to bring the Dead Sea to life. 

Somewhere, someone has cried racism. It's still obscure, but will be prominent very, very soon. No one in India gives a shit, as it is only Sreesanth and probably justified.

Of course, all that you just read is fictional and it may or may not happen. What is NOT fictional is the fact that Punjab lost and Sreesanth swore. Like the 15 other players in this IPL.  


I was very, very excited at the prospect of a draw or even a Bangladeshi win. Expectations make me delusional. But these delusions keep me sane and away from eternal depression. So I keep going back there.

Bangladesh lost the series 2-0. Not only did they lose, they lost the usual way. Someone played an irresponsible shot, someone was too ambitious to take a single and retain the strike and the bowling unit lost all their will to take wickets. Jamie Siddons had told us in an interview on Day 4 that if Bangladesh can get 200 and our spinners can capitalize on the 5th day turning wicket...you never know what's going to happen.

Bangladesh did get 200 and 9 more. But honestly, they should have got to at least 250. Naeem's shot left me staring at the screen in disbelief and somehow I knew Shakib was going to go down the track to bring his 100 up in style, although I kept on wishing he wouldn't. I don't forgive him for it, but I understand the temptation to show off at the brink of a second test hundred and one that could potentially save the test match.

Even after all that, the bowlers barely made a dent in the English line up. Obviously.

I see a lot of articles stating Shakib as a useless captain. He's not, but I won't waste my breath on why Bangladeshi supporters didn't expect any miracles from him or his team. But I will ask you this: if not Shakib, then who?

Mashrafe is sulking because they don't want to upset the balance that the team has reached under Shakib. He is not even willing to offer his services as a bowler, despite being Bangladesh's premium fast bowler. It is unfortuante that it had to be taken away from him without him getting the chance to prove himself but if this is his attitude towards the whole situation, then maybe it's for the best. How very matured of him right? Makes Shakib running down the track seem like a sane thing to do.

Or maybe Shakib became temporarily suicidal upon learning that he shares his birthday with Swannyg66 and his chin.

If you live in Hyderabad...

Do me a favour. Find out for me what Roy and Hersch are upto during their free time.

When two former (I am assuming Roy is all sobered up and boring now) alcoholics come together and both are bald, fit and party animals...things are bound to get a little crazy right? Hersch was the Charger's entertainer last year in Saffaland. But that doesn't mean he isn't their entertainer now. He might not know all the go to places but that doesn't mean that once he is there, he isn't unleashing his inner bad boy.

And it helps that Roy is there. He is probably 'luring' him into all sorts of drinking games:

Drink when the officials have asked you not to and get away with it.
Drink and race to the nearest bar.
Drink, call your ex-wife and try to win her back.
Drink till VB and Castle Lager send you free alcohol.
Drink your careers down the toilet...first one to the sewage gets a free beer!

Why would Deccan put two ex-boozers in the same team? Methinks, they are also sharing a room. Just so they can drink some more.

Roy's international career is done and dusted. Hersch, he may yet play in some ODI's. 

Actually, if you live in Hyderabad do me this favour. Smack Hersch on the head and give Roy a monkey to drink with. After all, drunks deserve to be happy too.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Albie's day with the ball

So I finally decided to start watching the IPL. Actually I just got up early to watch my Dale bowl, but evidently, today is the day Albie has also decided to bowl. Against RCB and for CSK but oh my look at these figures.


That makes him CSK's third best bowler in today's game. But then again, who can really rank Murali? He is number one even when he is crap. So really, Albie was CSK's second best bowler today. The first being Tyagi. I am not being sarcastic. If you have watched Albie bowl, you will know what I am talking about.

The one wicket he got was that of Eoin Morgan. Now, I am no T20 expert but that is a big wicket. So good for Albie.

What does this mean? Nothing to me. I don't like CSK and Albie needs to perform for the Saffers to be in my good books again. Plus, he also kind of needs to perform with the bat too. I would hate for Albie to become 'that player who had one or two good moments and now plays only in the IPL'. But the way he is going...it may very well be so.

Just don't decide to start batting today, because my Dale needs to outbowl you. It's nothing personal, it's just that you look like an Oz player in yellow.

See, it's not personal at all.

Shakib runs on battery

Batting in the first innings, out on 49.

Bowling in the first innings, a mammoth 66 overs (57 of them on one day), 27 maidens, 124 runs and 4 wickets.

Second innings, 25 not out, still at the crease.

Again, all hopes lie on Shakib. He may not deliver or he may score a century off 29 balls and then make England bat after lunch. He may then go on to take 6 English wickets, including the last English fast bowler standing. That wicket may come when there are two balls left for a draw.

Anybody see a Bangladeshi Vettori emerging here? Does this mean we will go as far as a team loved by all, difficult to beat on their day yet always beaten and of course plagued by injuries?


Monday, March 22, 2010

Operation: Durby must go

I have ventured out to fulfill your many requests. First up, Durbhajan Singh. It was chosen in random order don't worry. There is no favouritism here. Otherwise all Saffa request would have gone first.

(Although I am hoping AB and JP find their forms without me and my hocus pocus...positive things are a lot of work guys! Find your form!)

Anyway, back to Durby. Durbhajan Singh was injured on March 13th, 2010 by an agent named Shaun Tait. Yes, I know you didn't know he worked for me. He didn't either. Still doesn't.

Let me tell you that the Tait ball that merely scraped Durby's left knee, (he over-reacted...wanted to go home for his own wedding this time) was actually meant to put him out for months. Tait, after bowling his one miracle 160K, has lost it. Specially since CA don't have a central contract for him anyway...or they do..then they don't again. It's really confusing.

Because of Tait's own personal drama Durby returned soon after. Thankfully reliable Cricket Minded agent Jacques Kallis belted the shit out of him. Tomorrow the massacre continues. Unfortunately, he is playing Kolkata so I can't garauntee a full demolition. Not with bloody Ishant Sharma's buffet bowling.

However, we will continue to try. If we can't injure him, we will ruin him. If we can't ruin him, we will finish him. But we can't give you details of that.

Oh the injustice!

How to IPL-ize foreign players:

1) Choose one of your million sponsors.
2) Conceptualize a commercial in under five minutes. Preferably over the toilet, under extreme pressure.
3) Choose foreign players willing to go Bollywood.
    Note: Brett Lee chargers too much since the movie debut so this is no longer easy.
4) Abduct an alien cricketer and teach him Bollywood dance moves under the guise of an experiment. Feed him lots of spicy chicken before that.
5) Ask for his mates as ransom.
6) Put all three in a hotel room and in a club. Not necessarily in that order.
7) Threaten to put them in a tub full of spicy chicken if they don't do as asked.
8) Film the commercial.

Thanks Anon AB en Bouch for making me officially abondon all plans to adopt ROFL.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Our number eleven is better than yours

When Rubel Hossain came to the crease, all I wanted him to do was survive the first 4 balls so Naeem could get back on strike. He did and I was happy. The thoughts then were, Naeem needs to reach his fifty and Bangladesh needs to cross 400.

We were at 397 and even then, my friends and I were worried. Such is the state of our bowling line up. Can't even relax without the mental edge of a 400+ score.

Then Rubel came back on strike and we were still 397. Disappointment. No 400 today.

Which is when Rubel hit the most beautiful cover drive for four, and all of a sudden we were 401/9. A top order batsman would have been jealous. But it didn't end there. Rubel continued to stick around with Naeem, hitting boundaries now and then. In the end, his was the wicket that fell (obviously), but not before he had etched out 17 runs at a strike rate of 77.27.

Let's put those numbers side by side: No. 11, 17 runs, 22 balls, 4 fours, 77.27.

Before that, Shafiul had made Broad, Bresnan and Swann want to run and hide behind their mommies. We don't need a top order, we have Shafiul, Naeem and Rubel. And a handy few people who bat before them, but you already know who those are.

As I have said before, we owe our International status to a number eleven who hit the biggest six of his life off the last ball to win us the game.

All Graham Onions did was defend. All Brett Lee did was nearly win the Ashes.

I know I am being very cocky here, but you know you also want Rubel Hossain in your team. So leave me alone.

Our number eleven can score baby. 

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Happy Birthday Tamim!

I am sorry, I didn't know. I am a terrible person. But now that I do, I wish him many more brilliant runs off nasty first hour balls in test cricket. And gift him Mandira Bedi attached to a cricket ball.

I have very little to say about Tamim, because when I realize how talented he is and that he is Bangladeshi AND not disappointing the shit out of us like certain people...I am dumbfounded.
In awe.
So happy I can't speak.

(I really can't find my dictionary).

All I can say is that he is 21. If you have kids, they are failures. If you are 21, you are a failure.

Because Tamim Iqbal exists and he is already better than we will ever be.

The era of Jacques Kallis

It never seems to end. Sure he has his downs but when he starts his upward journey, sky is the limit. Actually there is no limit, but to admit that is kind of scary. So we will just draw a line in the stratosphere.

I had once promised some videos of the beautiful one (in terms of his cricket...I don't actually think he is beautiful looking). That promise was made about seven months ago, so I think it's time I fulfill my promise like the good person that I am.

Also, I can't find any new words to describe the miracle that is Jacques Kallis.

Notice, he says sky is the limit. I did not take that phrase from him. Gary and I are like on the same wave-length. It's how I will lure him back to Saffaland.

How can you not love Jacques Kallis?

Clarke's revised batting technique

In honour of Clarke's come back after the 'toughest' week of his life..

release, bounce, Lara's face, hit
release, bounce, Lara's voice, smack it out of the grounds
release, bounce, Lara's 6" stiletto heels, block it hard so it ricochets into her
release, bounce, Lara's Aston Martin, cut it to half...hopefully with her in it
release bounce, Lara's nude picture, trod all over it..hard..harder...c'mon Clarkey you can do better...to reach the century!

Take a bow Michael Clarke.

Disclaimer: I am not saying Clarkey is a wife-beater...Lara's just always been his inspiration.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Choosing my IPL team

I have no regional affiliation with any of these teams, neither am I an Indian supporter. Hence, my IPL team choosing method largely depends on...you guessed it...the Saffers. I am of the opinion that BD players shouldn't be there to begin with..waste of their time and fitness (MASHRAFE!). So their presence has very little effect on me. Btw, this also means I am allowed to be fickle and support more than one team. Okay? Okay.

So here we go, my elimination process:

Mumbai Indias: Ryan McLaren, JP, Polly the Ginger Ninja and Superman Jonty.
Unfortunately, neither Polly nor Jonty are with them anymore (right?). I love Ryan, but only because he is Saffa. I have yet to make that 'YoaresofuckingawesomeIwanttoworshipyou' connection with him. And JP has broken my heart beyond repair...so for now, Mumbain Indians- REJECT!

KKR: Charl Langeveldt.
Oh Charl, my one-eyed monster. Even though you are bald and should be playing for the national team more often, I cannot stand your team-mate Baz. He makes me want to take a butter knife and scrape away at his tattoos. Very slowly. He makes me want to be an American solider at Guantanamo Bay! And I cannot be that person. I'm so sorry Charl. I am soo sorry! KKR- REJECT!

Punjab: Yusuf Abdullah
First of all, I haven't even watched Yusuf play that much. Second of all, even if I had and was a fan, the minute I think of Punjab, I think Yuvraj. After which I just resort to projectile vomitting, all the while thinking if only Yuvi had done so his ego might have shrunk a little. Or maybe not. Even if it had...Punjab- REJECT! Like a thousand times.

Royals: Graeme Smith, Johan Botha, Morne Morkel
You guys already know how this is going to go. My love for the crooked Johan and the magnificent Morne knows no barriers. Except when uber-sized, filthy, junk-filled bodies in the forms of Shane Warne and Graeme Smith come in the way. I want to reject the Royals, except I can't do that to Morne. Hence, I am on a mission to save these two. Maybe I will buy them and then lock them up in some high tower with a dragon guarding the place. Pretty sure the Fat Twins won't be able to defeat the dragon...unless they eat it! BAAH! Anyway, Royals- SEMI-REJECT!

Delhi: AB de Villiers, Wayne Parnell
Yay! You would think I'd be a die-hard Delhi fan...well I am not. I don't know why. I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's because their third choice captain is Dinesh Karthik (What.the.fuck!) or maybe because as much as I try, I can't be a fan of Gautam Gambhir. But why doesn't AB and Wayne have the power to trump these obstacles? My psychiatrist thinks it's my inability to happy for successful, ultra-talented, nearly perfect children. Something to do with personal insecurity. Of course, it's all bullshit and the real reason is that their jersey look like that of England's. See how I bring the Poms everywhere? If I may say so, I am a bastard-bitch-idiot all in one. Delhi- REJECT!

Chennai: Justin Kemp, Albie Morkel, Makhaya Ntini
This just has one big, fat rejection written all over it's face. First of all, their captain is Mega Stupid. Second, they have glory hunter Freddie. Third, they have three Saffers who have not been able to perform for their country lately. Sorry Maki, past achievements are great an all that and I still love you for that but right now, right here...you ain't making it back to the team. I am sad for you, but I also want them to win. Which they can't if you are there. And let's not even talk about Albie. You put my Zulu to disgrace! Egghead!
Chennai- REJECT!

RCB:  Jacques Kallis, ROFL, Mark Boucher, Dale Steyn
This is my heaven right here. In addition, they have Rahul Dravid, my favourite Indian player. And I am also quite liking Praveen Kumar these days. But we all know Jakes, Bouchie, my Dale and my alien son make the team. Don't pretend otherwise, it's bad for your health. However, they are missing a crucial person and because of that, they are my second team. Regardless, RCB: EJECT!

Major hypocrisy alert. He is riding on past glory, hasn't performed for the Saffers in a while, is one of those uber-talented, young people but man...he is Herschelle freaking Gibbs. Messed up, bad boy, elegant stroke player, bald, fantabulous fielder...I'll stop before you are disgusted and clicking to close the page. But notice how I cleverly put this in the end, so you have to read through all of my "neutral" opinions before finding out I am still really biased and blindly in love with this has-been.
Deccan Chargers: EJECT! To the moon. With the IPL trophy bitches!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Attempted necksprain


In a shocking effort to injure Bangladesh's toughest cookie (his face is literally like fresh dough and his voice buttery), SkySports got an Oak-tree sized individual to interview the arm-long Mushfiqur Rahim.

After the interview Mushfiq's neck hurt and eyes burnt as the sun had directly reached his eyes. The Oak may have been tall but he didn't provide him with any shade.

SkySports and the English camp have denied attempted sabotage and insist that they had previously carried out a trial with Ian Bell standing in for Mushfiq. We believe that at the time of the trial, Ian Bell was riding on another English batsman. Mushfiq, on the other hand, was facing the disproportionate Oak tree all by himself.

In other news KP things he is back to his best form but has also criticized the Chittangong pitch. "It's not good for test cricket", KP said.

One wonders whether one can blame KP's parents for unleashing this whiney bitch on us.


When Junaid Siddique finally got out at 106, Swann felt a surge of emotions: relief. To the ECB's horror, the proper Englishman transformed into a raggamuffin and spoke the terrible words:

"Fuck off!"

Junaid and Mushfiq had frustrated the English players so much that they couldn't take it anymore. Let me repeat that. Two batsmen, who are not English, had frustrated the English. Talk about getting a taste of your own medicine.

Here's the emotion I felt when Swannyg66 asked Junaid to fuck off: joy.

And here's what I said, " Old man, you couldn't fuck off even if you tried. So dream on".

I don't care whether the gets fined or the ECB ban him from tweeting. Both will be a case of over-reaction but who gives a rats ass? In a battle of the minds Junaid, a 22 year old nearly outstaged the No. 2 test bowler in the world. That is pretty decent.

Although, here's my emotion upon learning that Swann is now the No. 2 test bowler in the world: dismay.

And here's what I said, "The number 1 test bowler in the world is Dale Steyn".

All words and emotions were put to an end after that.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

To answer your questions...

1) I am back

2) I am supporting the Deccan Chargers

3) I am happy Smith is injured and Kallis is kicking ass

4) I want KKR to start losing again

5) I also want Punjab to lose

6) I am really watching Bangladesh vs England on television

7) I am re-launching my hate campaign for Graeme Swann

8) I am stunned by Justin Kemp's inclusion in the T20 World Cup squad

9) I injured Durby. More on that later.

It's all relative

One day as Mascaraman stood in front of the mirror applying makeup to his eyeballs to make it as pretty as his lashes, he had heard voices. A distant whisper, in a Goochie-like voice...

"Alastair...you can bowl".

So the next day he bowled. He presumed it was a bit like throwing water balloons at people. And he had plenty of experience in that department thanks to the lovely pajama parties hosted by Ms. Stuart. He conceded 111 runs in 5 overs. 111. Straight and symmetrical. Just like his mascara brush.

Offended that a worse bowler has emerged, Mitchell Johnson quickly moved to grab the spotlight. Except he kind of forgot to grab his own brain when running out the door and tried to borrow Scott Styris'. When Scott wouldn't give it to him, Mitchy went upto the brain and started calling it in a strange language, to get it to jump out. Mitchy huffed and he puffed, but it didn't budge. Then he tried banging it with his head. Bang, bang, bang...went Mitchy.

So great was the effect of Mitchy's banging that even Butt heard it over at Pakistan. Only the air particles and infinite sound waves floating around between New Zealand and Pakistan created a chinese whisper effect and the words reached Butt's ear as 'ban, ban, ban'. Next day, any Pakistani player who had dared to have luscious hair, facial or otherwise, were banned. They said it was about the cricket, but we doubt whether Pakistan actually plays cricket or shows up once in a while to make the world interesting. Regardless, you are now punishable by law for having hair.

Which is why Dan the man got rid of his beard and in the process brought back the frown lines on Ricky Ponting's monkey face when he decided to once again, defeat the opposition all by himself. Methinks Daniel is a bit of a loner, and that is kind of a problem because this ain't tennis. Or the French football team. But it is also true that his team frequently abandons him in their quest for zesty chicken now that KFC is their official sponsor. But not Dan. Dan can't be swayed by them birds.

Chicken talk inevitably leads to the dashing Bangladeshi captain. No, the real one. The one who has given up playing altogether for unknown reasons. Mashrafe Mortaza is missing. Nobody knows why. Please find him. His team got our hopes high for a brief period (you think we have learnt our lessons by now) and his deputy took atrocious captaining to a new level. Neither the good nor the bad had anything to do with him, but according to Shakib the old Mashrafe has disappeared and the new one is no good.

Maybe the old one has gone for a walk with Lara Bingle, who, after showing too much, has also disappeared. Before that however, she made her beloved fly back home...only to end things. These are times when I am in full support of phone break ups. Think of all the paper that we would have saved had Clarke not flown back and the media not gone crazy. And think of all the paper they will be using when Clarke gets into another relationship and the papparazzi tries to get a statement from Bingle. I don't give a shit about the matter of their hearts, I just want the trees saved.

In extension, while you are saving trees, it is a reasonably good idea to save the Zimbabwean cricket team. A team that can beat West Indies with Chris Gayle playing is a team that deserves to be showered in Gayle's sunglasses and have Gayle serve them. At least for a night. Please can people play Zimbabwe more often?

Maybe we should have a team called the Zimbabwean Chris Gayle Beaters in IPL 4. I will get Bouch to twit his Modiness.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Short and Sweet

During the Kiwi vs Aus game, I was having a conversation with a friend. It went like this,

"Where is Scott Styris? Why the fuck are all these Franklins and Brooms batting ahead of him when the required run rate is 6 and over and MICHAEL CLARKE is bowling?"

Then Scott Styris arrived. And the Kiwis won a game without Vettori, Elliot and Sumo Ryder. Against their next door neighbour. You know the one with the unbeaten summer? Hasn't lost an ODI since England? Yeah them.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Now all the Black Caps need to do is keep it together for two more games and hand the Aussies their first series loss since summer in the Northern Hemisphere. I am really looking forward to that. Where the hell are the Aussies going to keep another trophy anyway? I swear they have a storage room at CA headquarters where a heap of dusty trophies that they don't care about, are lying around. Like the Natwest Trophy, after they beat England 6-1. Or that trophy they got in India. What was that one called? "It's such a long series the trophy got tired of waiting and burst into flames".

(P.S: Ricky took the ashes home)

In other news, Bangladesh came very close to winning the second ODI but the Irishman offered them alcoholic pleasures. So they decided to let the little one trample them with his tiny feet.

And you thought this post was going to have a sweet ending. Well, so did I!