The worst thing about getting lazy is right when you have compiled a thousand and one ways to make fun of the Aussies, the Saffers come up with a performance like the one we were subjected to yesterday.
And I was going to make so much fun of Pat Cummins being Barbie's pre-pubertal Ken with zits that are so terrorized by Saffa batsmen that they pop on their own.
I hadn't bargained for SA's wonderful middle order. Actually, was there even a middle order? I certainly didn't see them. Did you?
I didn't see the bowling either, so I can't really comment on how that went. But it seems like the pitch worked pretty well for Pat Cummins (who better fade away soon). So I don't know what my Dale and Morkel were doing.
Of course, the correct way of going about this is to blame the rain. South Africa loses 90% of the games that have been affected by rain. The rest 10% are washed out.
So no, I will not write a proper post on this because there are still two more games to go and Ricky Ponting will very soon revert back to his 'can't bat, can't captain' stance. I can feel it coming.
My only consolation from this game is that Witchy Mitchy is soon going to feel the pressure from Ken Cummins and give us the joy of pie chucking.
(In case you are wondering, I will also not mention Bangladesh's glorious revenge against the West Indies. I would have, had it been the second ODI of the three ODI's series but it wasn't. It was the last miserable game and the series had already been lost by then. So what is the point? Bangladesh-always coming up with a stellar performance when all has been lost. We have to fucking change the format of every series for them. Start with the last ODI first! Idiots.)
Showing posts with label Stuart Broad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stuart Broad. Show all posts
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
The era of English cricket?
This is no celebration. This is a question that may very well make or break my existence.
Do I live in a world where English cricketers are...well good?
This is not to say we haven't had some top English cricketers before. But winning games? That's new. Winning a World Cup and then becoming the number one test side in the world...well that's just fucking beginning of the earth kind of stuff isn't it?
They are a team that worked their way up and that definitely says a lot about them. I mean, this is a team that decided KP should captain them for fuck's sakes! They put their hope and dreams of a win on a man named Mascaraman. One of their go to bowlers distinctively resembles a little girl's doll. More often than not, that bowler bowls like a doll, without any brains.
Knock, knock. Who is there? Nobody. Cuz this is Stuart Broad's head.
But these bunch of jokers seem to have been offset by the powerful Andy Flower, the capable Jimmy and dare I say it...the *gulp* intelligent Andrew Strauss.
What is going on here? Who are they? Where have they come from? How did they inspire this attitude within the English camp? And why do I feel that the list does not end with these three? That there are more, brewing, inspiring, invoking an era of English domination?
I don't get it. Probably because when the Windies and the Aussies dominated, their teams were made up of snarling beasts who glared, bullied, towered, basically mafia-ed their way through the cricket world. The English team however are easy to overlook. Mostly because of their reputation and their predecessors of course but look how sneakily they rose to the top. So gently, so politely. Almost apologetically.
"Pardon us good sir, but we will sit here at the top if you will let us please".
Where is the arrogance? The attitude? The aura of champions?
I just don't get it.
Do I live in a world where English cricketers are...well good?
This is not to say we haven't had some top English cricketers before. But winning games? That's new. Winning a World Cup and then becoming the number one test side in the world...well that's just fucking beginning of the earth kind of stuff isn't it?
They are a team that worked their way up and that definitely says a lot about them. I mean, this is a team that decided KP should captain them for fuck's sakes! They put their hope and dreams of a win on a man named Mascaraman. One of their go to bowlers distinctively resembles a little girl's doll. More often than not, that bowler bowls like a doll, without any brains.
Knock, knock. Who is there? Nobody. Cuz this is Stuart Broad's head.
But these bunch of jokers seem to have been offset by the powerful Andy Flower, the capable Jimmy and dare I say it...the *gulp* intelligent Andrew Strauss.
What is going on here? Who are they? Where have they come from? How did they inspire this attitude within the English camp? And why do I feel that the list does not end with these three? That there are more, brewing, inspiring, invoking an era of English domination?
I don't get it. Probably because when the Windies and the Aussies dominated, their teams were made up of snarling beasts who glared, bullied, towered, basically mafia-ed their way through the cricket world. The English team however are easy to overlook. Mostly because of their reputation and their predecessors of course but look how sneakily they rose to the top. So gently, so politely. Almost apologetically.
"Pardon us good sir, but we will sit here at the top if you will let us please".
Where is the arrogance? The attitude? The aura of champions?
I just don't get it.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Why should I return?
Have you been watching cricket recently? HAVE YOU?
England, on a quest to be the number one test team of the world, have magically tapped into their inner winner. I didn't even know such a thing existed with the Poms, but there you have it. They are kicking ass. Even Mascaraman is a winner this time around. He must have dug up his inner champion from someone else's grave.
India are on the receiving end of this new English attitude. Supposedly, they too are vying to be the new Australia (world champs+test champs+piss everyone off champs). A poor choice of ambition, considering their bowling attack consists of a staggering nobody.
But wait, who makes up England's bowling attack? James Anderson...and the obscure one hit wonders.
iLaugh.
India dies.
At the hands of a Barbie doll.
Then we have my countrymen who have attempted to disguise themselves in horrendous orange, lest they fail. I appreciate it, because it shows they are thinking ahead. "In case of yet another embarrassing performance, wear a different coloured uniform. All stones will be diverted to the wrong bus anyway".
Well Bangladesh, here's a line for you: If you try again and again without success, failure may just be your style.
I am beginning to believe that.
How can I end a post without talking about my beloved Proteas. Who you say? I say the same thing. Who are these non-existent, fleeting men in green who only show up for certain periods of the cricket season, and never stay for the climax?
*Insert dirty joke here*
So in a nutshell, this is the era of England and India (not choosing since I can't bear it to be the era of either), Bangladesh will replace Zimbabwe in the number 10th spot and the Proteas are too busy being degenerates.
Nobody loves me.
England, on a quest to be the number one test team of the world, have magically tapped into their inner winner. I didn't even know such a thing existed with the Poms, but there you have it. They are kicking ass. Even Mascaraman is a winner this time around. He must have dug up his inner champion from someone else's grave.
India are on the receiving end of this new English attitude. Supposedly, they too are vying to be the new Australia (world champs+test champs+piss everyone off champs). A poor choice of ambition, considering their bowling attack consists of a staggering nobody.
But wait, who makes up England's bowling attack? James Anderson...and the obscure one hit wonders.
iLaugh.
India dies.
At the hands of a Barbie doll.
Then we have my countrymen who have attempted to disguise themselves in horrendous orange, lest they fail. I appreciate it, because it shows they are thinking ahead. "In case of yet another embarrassing performance, wear a different coloured uniform. All stones will be diverted to the wrong bus anyway".
Well Bangladesh, here's a line for you: If you try again and again without success, failure may just be your style.
I am beginning to believe that.
How can I end a post without talking about my beloved Proteas. Who you say? I say the same thing. Who are these non-existent, fleeting men in green who only show up for certain periods of the cricket season, and never stay for the climax?
*Insert dirty joke here*
So in a nutshell, this is the era of England and India (not choosing since I can't bear it to be the era of either), Bangladesh will replace Zimbabwe in the number 10th spot and the Proteas are too busy being degenerates.
Nobody loves me.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
If I was paid...
I would sit and watch Stuart Broad score his first test hundred. But I didn't because they didn't pay me enough to rip my arms and legs off before watching. At that point, I thought that that would have been enough to downplay this horrible incident. Then Stuart Broad made 150.
If I was paid, I would also analyze this match-fixing scandal to the tiniest of fragments, giving my own opinions on Amer, Asif, Butt, Bangladesh being accused, Nathan Hauritz's plea to keep the legitimacy of his first fifer in test etc. etc.
But I am not. So I will just tell you what I feel.
I have no sympathy for Mohammad Aamer.
Mohammas Asif should really fucking grow up and realize that he just needs to be the best bowler in the world and nothing else. Which he already is, so I really don't see why he must engage in such behavior.
The rest who were involved in this scandal can go fuck themselves.
If I was paid, I would also probably hide my disappointment and keep this post perfectly devoid of emotions, but I wasn't so I won't. Fuck it! I probably wouldn't have been able to curb my emotions even if I had been paid.
When Hansie Cronje admitted to his crimes, I was shaken to the core. To many, this will sound silly but not to those who love cricket with a passion the way I do. When a player takes money to throw away the very thing that entertain, evoke emotions, pride, fierce loyalty all at the same time, it is an unimaginable betrayal. I am not exaggerating and you know it.
I don't buy scalped tickets, I never will. I don't buy fake jerseys and for a while now I have been saving up little by little to go visit Lords. There have been many downfalls to this plan of course but I start all over again. And when I walk into the ground there is a very good chance I will shed a tear. Like I did when Pollock retired, when Klusener got run out, when Shakib got stumped against England...
Dear cricketers, this is the level of attachment to this game. We too go broke so we can watch matches, travel to venues.
So your families were in danger, you could have told the police and gotten security. But how will you fix this hatred that live in the hearts of your fans now? Will you pay us too?
We won't take your tainted money. You can keep it. And as you are keeping it, do us a favour and make an exit as fast you can. I would rather watch a mediocre player than a great one who disrespects his greatness for money.
If I was paid, I would also analyze this match-fixing scandal to the tiniest of fragments, giving my own opinions on Amer, Asif, Butt, Bangladesh being accused, Nathan Hauritz's plea to keep the legitimacy of his first fifer in test etc. etc.
But I am not. So I will just tell you what I feel.
I have no sympathy for Mohammad Aamer.
Mohammas Asif should really fucking grow up and realize that he just needs to be the best bowler in the world and nothing else. Which he already is, so I really don't see why he must engage in such behavior.
The rest who were involved in this scandal can go fuck themselves.
If I was paid, I would also probably hide my disappointment and keep this post perfectly devoid of emotions, but I wasn't so I won't. Fuck it! I probably wouldn't have been able to curb my emotions even if I had been paid.
When Hansie Cronje admitted to his crimes, I was shaken to the core. To many, this will sound silly but not to those who love cricket with a passion the way I do. When a player takes money to throw away the very thing that entertain, evoke emotions, pride, fierce loyalty all at the same time, it is an unimaginable betrayal. I am not exaggerating and you know it.
I don't buy scalped tickets, I never will. I don't buy fake jerseys and for a while now I have been saving up little by little to go visit Lords. There have been many downfalls to this plan of course but I start all over again. And when I walk into the ground there is a very good chance I will shed a tear. Like I did when Pollock retired, when Klusener got run out, when Shakib got stumped against England...
Dear cricketers, this is the level of attachment to this game. We too go broke so we can watch matches, travel to venues.
So your families were in danger, you could have told the police and gotten security. But how will you fix this hatred that live in the hearts of your fans now? Will you pay us too?
We won't take your tainted money. You can keep it. And as you are keeping it, do us a favour and make an exit as fast you can. I would rather watch a mediocre player than a great one who disrespects his greatness for money.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
What's in your belly?
Sometimes, Stuart Broad inspires me. It's purely accidental of course, but it happens. This time he has inspired me to spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering what is in each cricketer's belly.
Apparently, Barbie has fire in his (link via GreyBlazer). Models all over the world are wondering if this is the new way to shed a few pounds before a big show.
That got me thinking. If Barbie has fire in his belly then what about those real fast bowlers? What do they have in their bellies that drives them to be the fantastic bowlers they are?
Dale Steyn, I would say, has a set of eyes that commands his deliveries. The eyes are that of a woman's, don't ask me whose. All I know is that she is very powerful and can turn Dale into a maniac.
Aamer definitely has a cute, cuddly but rabies infested mouse. I hear the mouse has RP tattooed on it's body. Asif has some mysterious smoke. I think it was once a fire that went on strike the minute Barbie made his claim. Never fear, it will be back. Barbie's is probably a fake plastic one anyway.
Dougie has a razor, which may also explain his hairstyle. Hilfy has fighter jet plane.
Maliga has an axe, a slightly erratic one. Kemar Roach has a thousand beetles that will crawl all over you till you give in to them. Mitchell Johnson has two fat eggs because at least one of them seems to be dysfunctional at some point. Morne has a lollipop and Fidel Edwards has your momma.
And I know this name doesn't belong here but I thought I would let you know that Shane Watson has hair gel in his belly, before he starts crying.
Disclaimer: No fast bowler was cut open surgically or otherwise during the making of this post.
Apparently, Barbie has fire in his (link via GreyBlazer). Models all over the world are wondering if this is the new way to shed a few pounds before a big show.
That got me thinking. If Barbie has fire in his belly then what about those real fast bowlers? What do they have in their bellies that drives them to be the fantastic bowlers they are?
Dale Steyn, I would say, has a set of eyes that commands his deliveries. The eyes are that of a woman's, don't ask me whose. All I know is that she is very powerful and can turn Dale into a maniac.
Aamer definitely has a cute, cuddly but rabies infested mouse. I hear the mouse has RP tattooed on it's body. Asif has some mysterious smoke. I think it was once a fire that went on strike the minute Barbie made his claim. Never fear, it will be back. Barbie's is probably a fake plastic one anyway.
Dougie has a razor, which may also explain his hairstyle. Hilfy has fighter jet plane.
Maliga has an axe, a slightly erratic one. Kemar Roach has a thousand beetles that will crawl all over you till you give in to them. Mitchell Johnson has two fat eggs because at least one of them seems to be dysfunctional at some point. Morne has a lollipop and Fidel Edwards has your momma.
And I know this name doesn't belong here but I thought I would let you know that Shane Watson has hair gel in his belly, before he starts crying.
Disclaimer: No fast bowler was cut open surgically or otherwise during the making of this post.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Barbie apologizes
Dear strange people who don't live in Barbie land,
Why don't you live in Barbie land? Do you hate me? Of course not, look how pretty I am! See, the reason I am asking is because if you lived in Barbie land you would know that I am not a brat, neither spoiled. I am just a lovely, pretty, girl who knows that pouting will get you everything you ever asked for.
That's why when the Umpire rejected my appeal for LBW, I pouted and pouted but it didn't work. So I threw the ball and pretended to throw it at the batsman. I knew it wouldn't have hurt him because I am such a delicate flower. How can a ball thrown by me go faster than a turtle? You know the turtle who won the race? Yes, I go slow like him. But I still win.
Because I am a lovely, pretty little girl who gets whatever she wants. And when I don't, I just misbehave but it's absolutely harmless. I mean, whoever's heard of pouting being of real harm? Plus, the men I play with are big and burly, they can take it!
But I am still going to apologize, because I want you all to come to my tea party. So I will lift my hand at the batsman and pretend it was an accident and later on plead guilty as I hand out invitations to the tea party. They will let me off leniently because I really serve the finest fake tea in all of Barbie land.
This is my apology. It really is. Look at my pretty face, how can I be lying?
(Why does every pic of Broad I come across have the word Boss in them? He tries so hard...)
Why don't you live in Barbie land? Do you hate me? Of course not, look how pretty I am! See, the reason I am asking is because if you lived in Barbie land you would know that I am not a brat, neither spoiled. I am just a lovely, pretty, girl who knows that pouting will get you everything you ever asked for.
That's why when the Umpire rejected my appeal for LBW, I pouted and pouted but it didn't work. So I threw the ball and pretended to throw it at the batsman. I knew it wouldn't have hurt him because I am such a delicate flower. How can a ball thrown by me go faster than a turtle? You know the turtle who won the race? Yes, I go slow like him. But I still win.
Because I am a lovely, pretty little girl who gets whatever she wants. And when I don't, I just misbehave but it's absolutely harmless. I mean, whoever's heard of pouting being of real harm? Plus, the men I play with are big and burly, they can take it!
But I am still going to apologize, because I want you all to come to my tea party. So I will lift my hand at the batsman and pretend it was an accident and later on plead guilty as I hand out invitations to the tea party. They will let me off leniently because I really serve the finest fake tea in all of Barbie land.
This is my apology. It really is. Look at my pretty face, how can I be lying?
(Why does every pic of Broad I come across have the word Boss in them? He tries so hard...)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Child Labour
After trying the whole 'let only senior citizens play for the cricket team' experiment, the Aussies have now moved to the other side of the spectrum. They are now employing children to play for them.
It may work, just like the Senior Employment Program did...for a while anyway. However, it was years of frustration that propelled the players into becoming a super cricket breed. Most of them could form their own friggin' cricket team and thwart the national one, but they waited patiently and it paid off. What could the children bring to the table?
Maybe Lollipops for the opposition team, or the ice cream truck; big round sad eyes when the opposition bully them, a cuddly bear for Andrew Hilditch that say 'you're simply the best' every time you rub it's belly.
However they bring it to the team, I congratulate Australia for finally growing some balls and trying out something totally innovative and new. If this works, it may spark a new trend, not only in cricket but in other sports as well. Giving fresh young blood a chance when they are still in their diapers...who would have thought?
In case you are wondering, Stuart Broad is sulking about not being the suspiciously baby-faced person anymore. We have suggested that he get over it and embrace his inner Barbie.
It may work, just like the Senior Employment Program did...for a while anyway. However, it was years of frustration that propelled the players into becoming a super cricket breed. Most of them could form their own friggin' cricket team and thwart the national one, but they waited patiently and it paid off. What could the children bring to the table?
Maybe Lollipops for the opposition team, or the ice cream truck; big round sad eyes when the opposition bully them, a cuddly bear for Andrew Hilditch that say 'you're simply the best' every time you rub it's belly.
However they bring it to the team, I congratulate Australia for finally growing some balls and trying out something totally innovative and new. If this works, it may spark a new trend, not only in cricket but in other sports as well. Giving fresh young blood a chance when they are still in their diapers...who would have thought?
In case you are wondering, Stuart Broad is sulking about not being the suspiciously baby-faced person anymore. We have suggested that he get over it and embrace his inner Barbie.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
T2D4: Suggestions
Let's make a team of all tail-enders and make the Saffers play against them. Because clearly, they need the practice. Barbie, Swannyg66, Rampaul, Benn, Mahmudullah, Mushfiq...hell let's even put Mohammad Asif in this team! The Saffers will be obligated to play this lot at least twice a year.
It seems that the Saffers are so busy studying the real batsmen, they forget that after all of them come those who in theory should succumb to their bowling like mosquitoes to DDT. And thus, the Saffers have become the team against whom tailenders test their abilities to be 'all-rounders'. Some may also think that they are genuine all-rounders (FYI, Mahmudullah is the real all-rounder amongst those I named) thanks to the Saffa bowlers. Because of all the fancy shit they try against the Rampauls and the Benns, all the batsmen have to do is stick their bat out and it goes for a boundary. It is a mockery! Not to mention a mockery of supposedly the deadliest fast bowling combination in the world right now, Morkel and Steyn.
I say supposedly because this combination has only clicked for two tests. These two have every skill to get rid of the supposedly but their greatness will have to include bowling at the bloody stumps and getting rid of the bloody tail-enders! Rid the world of fake all-rounders, treat them like non-batsmen...because that's exactly what they are! Don't be a disgrace to Donald-Pollock and Pollock-Ntini guys!
My other suggestion is that we should build Mark Boucher a throne, pick up a crown from Burger King and make Tim Paine, Kamran Akmal and Kieswetter dance around him.
It seems that the Saffers are so busy studying the real batsmen, they forget that after all of them come those who in theory should succumb to their bowling like mosquitoes to DDT. And thus, the Saffers have become the team against whom tailenders test their abilities to be 'all-rounders'. Some may also think that they are genuine all-rounders (FYI, Mahmudullah is the real all-rounder amongst those I named) thanks to the Saffa bowlers. Because of all the fancy shit they try against the Rampauls and the Benns, all the batsmen have to do is stick their bat out and it goes for a boundary. It is a mockery! Not to mention a mockery of supposedly the deadliest fast bowling combination in the world right now, Morkel and Steyn.
I say supposedly because this combination has only clicked for two tests. These two have every skill to get rid of the supposedly but their greatness will have to include bowling at the bloody stumps and getting rid of the bloody tail-enders! Rid the world of fake all-rounders, treat them like non-batsmen...because that's exactly what they are! Don't be a disgrace to Donald-Pollock and Pollock-Ntini guys!
My other suggestion is that we should build Mark Boucher a throne, pick up a crown from Burger King and make Tim Paine, Kamran Akmal and Kieswetter dance around him.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Ricky's prayer
Oh Tasmanian Devil,
Please take over Pup and make sure every inch of niceness in that bastard is gone! Make sure you tell him not to bat if Australia are chasing or they are in a wobbly position, which they shouldn't be to begin with.
Let Kevin Pietersen burst in flames. His brain, hair, wide chest, sunglasses, iron-like arms should all be one giant pile of ashes. Let Andrew Strauss then come and take those fucking ashes home!
Let Andrew Strauss watch the whole match, every minute of the drubbing that my boys (I know Pup is the captain but who are we kidding? They still play for me) that my boys will give them to let him know what to expect at the end of this year. If possible, make Giles Clarke have a panic attack, change the rules of the game and put Andrew Strauss in the team during England's batting innings. Then make Pup give the ball to Witchy, he will break his hand.
Swap Graeme fucking Swann's body with Nathan Hauritz. I will do the rest.
Make Warner grow into a bigger ape so he can take Barbie and put him in his rightful place-in the forest with Naomi Watts.
Pay some girls to be Collyniggle's fans. He is so unappreciated in England that it will go straight to his head and his will forget how to be a captain. He might even think he is Alastair Cook.
Let Australia win so I can have another World Cup under my belt. After all, I am the real captain of the team.
Amen.
Please take over Pup and make sure every inch of niceness in that bastard is gone! Make sure you tell him not to bat if Australia are chasing or they are in a wobbly position, which they shouldn't be to begin with.
Let Kevin Pietersen burst in flames. His brain, hair, wide chest, sunglasses, iron-like arms should all be one giant pile of ashes. Let Andrew Strauss then come and take those fucking ashes home!
Let Andrew Strauss watch the whole match, every minute of the drubbing that my boys (I know Pup is the captain but who are we kidding? They still play for me) that my boys will give them to let him know what to expect at the end of this year. If possible, make Giles Clarke have a panic attack, change the rules of the game and put Andrew Strauss in the team during England's batting innings. Then make Pup give the ball to Witchy, he will break his hand.
Swap Graeme fucking Swann's body with Nathan Hauritz. I will do the rest.
Make Warner grow into a bigger ape so he can take Barbie and put him in his rightful place-in the forest with Naomi Watts.
Pay some girls to be Collyniggle's fans. He is so unappreciated in England that it will go straight to his head and his will forget how to be a captain. He might even think he is Alastair Cook.
Let Australia win so I can have another World Cup under my belt. After all, I am the real captain of the team.
Amen.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Things that make me cry
1) This thing with its tongue sticking out, getting one of my favourite assassin's wicket. Looks like he stuck out his tongue and swallowed Dilshan's mojo, like a frog.
2) A malnourished Paul Collingwood. Methinks Collyniggle told his boys that he is going on a hunger strike till England win the cup, to make up for all the shit they put him through last year. Interestingly, have you seen how people are ignoring his poor form because the team is winning? And of course, all the criticisms from last year have turned into praise.
3) A full-frontal of Barbie. It's not that she is naked, but her face is never clothed you know. Also Barbie getting her line and length right and picking up the Man-of-the-match award makes me cry. What the fuck's up with that?
4) Every team I support losing. I was going for Sri Lanka once the Saffers left. I don't have a single team left!
5) England winning....this cannot be HAPPENING! Why God why?! I think I am being punished for my cruel deeds, which really consists of hating on certain cricketers and injuring others. That's not so bad is it? On top of that, I now have to rely on either the Aussies or the Pakistanis of all teams to ensure that the English lose.
I don't like either of these teams.
Yes, I am being punished, which is NOT fair because I am a very nice person. I am!
2) A malnourished Paul Collingwood. Methinks Collyniggle told his boys that he is going on a hunger strike till England win the cup, to make up for all the shit they put him through last year. Interestingly, have you seen how people are ignoring his poor form because the team is winning? And of course, all the criticisms from last year have turned into praise.
3) A full-frontal of Barbie. It's not that she is naked, but her face is never clothed you know. Also Barbie getting her line and length right and picking up the Man-of-the-match award makes me cry. What the fuck's up with that?
4) Every team I support losing. I was going for Sri Lanka once the Saffers left. I don't have a single team left!
5) England winning....this cannot be HAPPENING! Why God why?! I think I am being punished for my cruel deeds, which really consists of hating on certain cricketers and injuring others. That's not so bad is it? On top of that, I now have to rely on either the Aussies or the Pakistanis of all teams to ensure that the English lose.
I don't like either of these teams.
Yes, I am being punished, which is NOT fair because I am a very nice person. I am!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
A typical England-SA limited overs game
South Africa fucked up big time in a run chase. It's not the tournament, their chasing skills are on a hiatus.
Kevin Pietersen killed. Rainbow colours make him angry.
Buffalo played a part in KP's dismissal.
The Poms stole the magic potion that gives Saffers their fielding power and shoved the empty bottles down their throats.
Morne got a wicket off a no ball. Morne then proceeded to produce some more no-balls.
Barbie misbehaved with the umpire (I never get tired of this).
A Saffa took a fabulous catch and the commentators couldn't stop talking about him.
A Saffa dropped an easy catch.
Eoin Morgan made the Saffers suffer.
South Africa humuliated themselves and made a few non-bowlers look like bowlers in the process.
A Pom took extra pleasure in calling Buffalo a losing captain twice and Colly the winning captain.
South Africa's fate now partially depends on some other team.
English fans are scared that the team is doing too well and Saffa fans are pissed that their team is on the brink of yet another exit from a ICC tournament.
Kevin Pietersen killed. Rainbow colours make him angry.
Buffalo played a part in KP's dismissal.
The Poms stole the magic potion that gives Saffers their fielding power and shoved the empty bottles down their throats.
Morne got a wicket off a no ball. Morne then proceeded to produce some more no-balls.
Barbie misbehaved with the umpire (I never get tired of this).
A Saffa took a fabulous catch and the commentators couldn't stop talking about him.
A Saffa dropped an easy catch.
Eoin Morgan made the Saffers suffer.
South Africa humuliated themselves and made a few non-bowlers look like bowlers in the process.
A Pom took extra pleasure in calling Buffalo a losing captain twice and Colly the winning captain.
South Africa's fate now partially depends on some other team.
English fans are scared that the team is doing too well and Saffa fans are pissed that their team is on the brink of yet another exit from a ICC tournament.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
England rows to the Carribbean
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream.
Barbie on the boat
He is eating cream
Funnily, funnily, funnily, funnily,
He doesn't know how to bowl seam.
Prior on the boat
He may not be in the team
Horribly, horribly, horribly, horribly,
They haven't told him.
Swanny on the boat
He is sitting on the beam
Urgently, urgently, urgently, urgently
His elbow needs a trim.
Onions on the boat
He's injured another limb
Weirdly, weirdly, weirdly, weirdly
Those are his hips and they are too slim.
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
A win is but a dream!
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream.
Barbie on the boat
He is eating cream
Funnily, funnily, funnily, funnily,
He doesn't know how to bowl seam.
Prior on the boat
He may not be in the team
Horribly, horribly, horribly, horribly,
They haven't told him.
Swanny on the boat
He is sitting on the beam
Urgently, urgently, urgently, urgently
His elbow needs a trim.
Onions on the boat
He's injured another limb
Weirdly, weirdly, weirdly, weirdly
Those are his hips and they are too slim.
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
A win is but a dream!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Left behind
Or rather sent home. Mark Boucher is in Cape Town, according to Twitter, meaning he is not playing in the semi finals. I am at two-minds about this. Bouch didn't have a great IPL...but then again who really keeps Bouch in their team for just his batting skills? It's his wicket-keeping that is invaluable. Also his field placing suggestions.
Am I completely mental to think that Uthappa is not an adequate replacement for Bouch? Specially in a semi-final that had to be unfortunately moved to Mumbai. Actually, I like to believe that it was deliberate and 11 men in navy blue were lurking around the Chinnaswamy stadium but I NEVER make accusations without evidence. So until I come up with a completely unrelated picture made relevant by my mad photoshop skills, I will keep quiet.
Right so, why the fuck would anyone send Bouch home? RCB have hardly found their winning combination. It's not like little boy Manish has been doing a stellar job. It's not his fault that he has been infected by the Stuart Broad puberty plague and is unable to concentrate on his game because of the tragedy. But he should still be dropped right? And the batting order shifted around WITH Bouch in the mix. It's not like they need fire power. They have Jakes, KP, Uthappa, Kohli and Rossy. And if they did need that extra blitz they would have played Morgan, which they are not. So if not Morgan, why not Boucher?
Is it just a South African fan thing to think that wicket-keeping begins and ends with Mark Boucher or are there more of you who think RCB made a mistake?
Am I completely mental to think that Uthappa is not an adequate replacement for Bouch? Specially in a semi-final that had to be unfortunately moved to Mumbai. Actually, I like to believe that it was deliberate and 11 men in navy blue were lurking around the Chinnaswamy stadium but I NEVER make accusations without evidence. So until I come up with a completely unrelated picture made relevant by my mad photoshop skills, I will keep quiet.
Right so, why the fuck would anyone send Bouch home? RCB have hardly found their winning combination. It's not like little boy Manish has been doing a stellar job. It's not his fault that he has been infected by the Stuart Broad puberty plague and is unable to concentrate on his game because of the tragedy. But he should still be dropped right? And the batting order shifted around WITH Bouch in the mix. It's not like they need fire power. They have Jakes, KP, Uthappa, Kohli and Rossy. And if they did need that extra blitz they would have played Morgan, which they are not. So if not Morgan, why not Boucher?
Is it just a South African fan thing to think that wicket-keeping begins and ends with Mark Boucher or are there more of you who think RCB made a mistake?
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Steven Finn
I am about to make yet another traitorous confession: I like Steven Finn. And not because I foresee him crumbling under the pressure of being a frontline English pace bowler. I genuinely like him.
The fact that I also like Jimmy Anderson might have already told you that I have a thing for quality pace bowlers. Jimmy isn't always that fast, but I remember when he first came to the scene people were more excited about his looks and Beckhamish hair than his bowling. He didn't live upto the hype of course but then he learned to swing the ball and all of a sudden Jimmy was a new bowler. I like the fact that he failed, learned his lesson and came back with a bang.
Steven Finn is the man of the hour so I'm pretty sure I don't have to repeat his heroics from the last two days. I saw him bowl and I was pretty impressed with his ability to make the batsman play. Of course this is Division Two so I find all this excitement surrounding him and the Ashes a bit premature. However, he did pretty okay against Bangladesh. Took wickets, had a decent economic rate...basically fulfilled his duties as a backup bowler. But the Aussies are pretty pissed at the Poms so they may just kill the newbie. And that can't be good. Specially for me, since I am rarely excited about English pace bowlers.
But so far, I like Steven Finn only for his bowling as he is yet to screw up as per Pommie tradition and make a comeback. Which means, I don't like him that much. Just the right amount for me to not bitch about him like I do about Broad. No wait, I bitch about Broad because I really dislike him and he is not a bowler.
This is confusing.
Let's just leave it at, I like Steven Finn. Fullstop.
The fact that I also like Jimmy Anderson might have already told you that I have a thing for quality pace bowlers. Jimmy isn't always that fast, but I remember when he first came to the scene people were more excited about his looks and Beckhamish hair than his bowling. He didn't live upto the hype of course but then he learned to swing the ball and all of a sudden Jimmy was a new bowler. I like the fact that he failed, learned his lesson and came back with a bang.
Steven Finn is the man of the hour so I'm pretty sure I don't have to repeat his heroics from the last two days. I saw him bowl and I was pretty impressed with his ability to make the batsman play. Of course this is Division Two so I find all this excitement surrounding him and the Ashes a bit premature. However, he did pretty okay against Bangladesh. Took wickets, had a decent economic rate...basically fulfilled his duties as a backup bowler. But the Aussies are pretty pissed at the Poms so they may just kill the newbie. And that can't be good. Specially for me, since I am rarely excited about English pace bowlers.
But so far, I like Steven Finn only for his bowling as he is yet to screw up as per Pommie tradition and make a comeback. Which means, I don't like him that much. Just the right amount for me to not bitch about him like I do about Broad. No wait, I bitch about Broad because I really dislike him and he is not a bowler.
This is confusing.
Let's just leave it at, I like Steven Finn. Fullstop.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Business minded
Since none of you have kindly pointed it out, I will say it myself.
I ran two campaigns for two players, Gibbs and Morkel. Eventually, both of them made it back to the team. All because of my tedious work.
I also injured Broad, Yuvraj and Ryder during the Champions Trophy. Because I don't like them. I wanted Dilshan to be injured against the Deshis and he duly obliged after the first ODI. Once, I even did some black magic on Dhoni so he wouldn't score past 10 against Sri Lanka. He scored 5. I can't find the link to that, you will just have to take my word for it. Then of course, I made Watto go out in the 90's countless number of times. Just for fun.
I have come to the conclusion that it is not a coincidence. I can make things happen. So I have decided to use it for the good of mankind. I am going to offer you my services in exchange for love.
I will injure and campaign for anybody from any team. You just name them. But please know that if they are against the Saffers and Deshis, or a Saffa/Deshi that you want injured there will be loop holes. You won't know them of course, till I actually tell you.
But go ahead. Ask away. I am at your service.
I ran two campaigns for two players, Gibbs and Morkel. Eventually, both of them made it back to the team. All because of my tedious work.
I also injured Broad, Yuvraj and Ryder during the Champions Trophy. Because I don't like them. I wanted Dilshan to be injured against the Deshis and he duly obliged after the first ODI. Once, I even did some black magic on Dhoni so he wouldn't score past 10 against Sri Lanka. He scored 5. I can't find the link to that, you will just have to take my word for it. Then of course, I made Watto go out in the 90's countless number of times. Just for fun.
I have come to the conclusion that it is not a coincidence. I can make things happen. So I have decided to use it for the good of mankind. I am going to offer you my services in exchange for love.
I will injure and campaign for anybody from any team. You just name them. But please know that if they are against the Saffers and Deshis, or a Saffa/Deshi that you want injured there will be loop holes. You won't know them of course, till I actually tell you.
But go ahead. Ask away. I am at your service.
Monday, February 15, 2010
England's future
1) Under Mascaraman's captaincy England will be frequently caught unawares, like a deer. Or like their batting line up.
2) On the edge...of a loss, at all times. The only drawing under Mascaraman will be on their faces
3) Batsmen will finally get to be themselves and play their natural game. None of this play your role in the team bullshit. That's Barbie and Belly...and Mascaraman in his natural, confused stance on life.
4) A new,ruthless England will emerge with just a dash of blush, a dip of mascara and a pinch of lipstick. Intimidating stuff!
It is all very, very scary. The Bangladeshi boys can hardly contain their fear.
2) On the edge...of a loss, at all times. The only drawing under Mascaraman will be on their faces
43) Batsmen will finally get to be themselves and play their natural game. None of this play your role in the team bullshit. That's Barbie and Belly...and Mascaraman in his natural, confused stance on life.
4) A new,ruthless England will emerge with just a dash of blush, a dip of mascara and a pinch of lipstick. Intimidating stuff!
It is all very, very scary. The Bangladeshi boys can hardly contain their fear.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Tempting Allan
Dear Allan,
How are the eyes? They have been looking a little tired lately. Put two tea bags over them every night and use some skin rejuvenating moisturizer. I'm sure Jonty has some good ones. That dude never looks old.
But I am not writing to you re: you lovely eyes. I need to know why you said this .
I am terribly distressed with the news. What do you need Allan? Tell me. I will make it happen.
Graeme Smith will let my Herschelle have a bowl. Do you really not want to be there when he re-launches is career as the number one bowler of 2010?
Albie will stop bowling. This I promise you.
JP will learn the look. You know the look where you burn batsmen with your eyes? Although, his face is kind of...how should I put it? Round. I don't know how threatening round faces are. Square, now that's a scary shape.
Stay Allan. CSA will send you a contract any day. They need you to be their bowling coach. We need you to breed Morne, Parnie and even ROFL if you can. Literally breed them. Like horses. Won't that be much more pleasant than bonding with Barbie over his latest lipstick collection?
Stay Allan. I beg you.
How are the eyes? They have been looking a little tired lately. Put two tea bags over them every night and use some skin rejuvenating moisturizer. I'm sure Jonty has some good ones. That dude never looks old.
But I am not writing to you re: you lovely eyes. I need to know why you said this .
I am terribly distressed with the news. What do you need Allan? Tell me. I will make it happen.
Graeme Smith will let my Herschelle have a bowl. Do you really not want to be there when he re-launches is career as the number one bowler of 2010?
Albie will stop bowling. This I promise you.
JP will learn the look. You know the look where you burn batsmen with your eyes? Although, his face is kind of...how should I put it? Round. I don't know how threatening round faces are. Square, now that's a scary shape.
Stay Allan. CSA will send you a contract any day. They need you to be their bowling coach. We need you to breed Morne, Parnie and even ROFL if you can. Literally breed them. Like horses. Won't that be much more pleasant than bonding with Barbie over his latest lipstick collection?
Stay Allan. I beg you.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
It has happened
Mascaraman is officially leading England against Bangladesh. If I was a kind person I would have said that ECB have finally shoved their heads up their asses. But I am not. So my opinion on this is that England tried to walk after shoving their heads up their asses. During the walk, they rolled down a hill, hit a car and permanently damaged their brains.
Then they decided Alastair Cook should be captain.
Oh I laughed so hard! Mascaraman can't even decide which shots to play to which ball but evidently he knows the game well enough to decide on field placings for five days.
Hello, England. He was captain in a four hours match remember? If I may be so bold to say so, it did not go very well. Or so we thought. You seem to have watched a different match.
Resting Strauss seems to give the impression that Bangladesh is not an important tour. I have written about it before and I was freaking angry...obviously. But never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagined that the ECB would actually fuck up as badly as making Mascaraman captain. Darlings, Shakib may be new, but he is far more intelligent than that Rimmel loving she-man. And we are not making Crashraful captain again. Because...umm..we have players with leadership qualities!
Whatever. They can use us as their lab if they want. We are not going to sit here and bring the house down with our words. England can send their F team for all we care. Just remember that we don't have pitches that will help Stuart Broad and our strength is our spinners.
Bangladesh may not win this, but if England think this is going to be easy, insects have been eating on their brain. The same insects then produced sticky webs to prevent the brain from functioning properly. And of course, their heads are still shoved up their backsides.
Then they decided Alastair Cook should be captain.
Oh I laughed so hard! Mascaraman can't even decide which shots to play to which ball but evidently he knows the game well enough to decide on field placings for five days.
Hello, England. He was captain in a four hours match remember? If I may be so bold to say so, it did not go very well. Or so we thought. You seem to have watched a different match.
Resting Strauss seems to give the impression that Bangladesh is not an important tour. I have written about it before and I was freaking angry...obviously. But never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagined that the ECB would actually fuck up as badly as making Mascaraman captain. Darlings, Shakib may be new, but he is far more intelligent than that Rimmel loving she-man. And we are not making Crashraful captain again. Because...umm..we have players with leadership qualities!
Whatever. They can use us as their lab if they want. We are not going to sit here and bring the house down with our words. England can send their F team for all we care. Just remember that we don't have pitches that will help Stuart Broad and our strength is our spinners.
Bangladesh may not win this, but if England think this is going to be easy, insects have been eating on their brain. The same insects then produced sticky webs to prevent the brain from functioning properly. And of course, their heads are still shoved up their backsides.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Definition of an all-rounder
It is imperative that I tell you, because people seem to be suffering from bouts of dementia when they come across this word. It's very, very simple.
Picture a sale, where you find the perfect pair of shoes. You have been looking for them all your life. You can't believe you have been walking all these years without them. The price is also perfect. And then you see it. "Buy one get one free".
But the shoe that you get free is of lesser quality. You will wear it once, wince in pain and put it away. Some months later you will try it again, pain still there but a little abated. You try it again and again because really, who wants to keep free stuff tucked away? Eventually it will stop hurting and then it's like the shoes were a part of your feet.
Now look at this picture:
With these men, you get a lot of things free. Sanex products, differently styled glasses and children's novels to name some. Oh, I know what you will say. You get similar things free with the new 'all-rounders' as well.
Broady offers his bad manners and bottled up puberty to anyone who gives a shit about him.
Witchy Mitchy has his horrifying bowling action and his mother to give away as fast as a Karate chop.
Durbhajan Singh has a Hummer that he will throw at your face with great fervor anytime, as long as the Hummer is to be driven on a flat track.
Even Paul Harris has smiles to give for free. He has to. Nobody wants his bowling, even when it is free.
So that makes them all-rounders.
But friends, you forgot to note one critical point. These things must come free, ALL THE TIME. Broad sometimes grows a beard, Witchy loves his mum, Durbhajan takes the Hummer back and Harris frowns. Jakes will give you a Sanex deodrant anytime. Even if you don't stink.
Showing hints of free products at one sale and not in the next three also disqualifies you from being an all-rounder. Unless you are injured, also all the time. Then we don't really know but we pretend to agree with you because you might sit on us and crush us.
So to recap, we like free stuff and it must be given to us consistently. We also like the perfect shoe and at no point are willing to sacrifice it for the free things. If you have just started to give us both we will take it, but we will not be convinced of your abilities till you have done it for at least a few years.
In conclusion, everybody wants to be an all-rounder. Doesn't fucking mean you are one. Get over it.
Picture a sale, where you find the perfect pair of shoes. You have been looking for them all your life. You can't believe you have been walking all these years without them. The price is also perfect. And then you see it. "Buy one get one free".
But the shoe that you get free is of lesser quality. You will wear it once, wince in pain and put it away. Some months later you will try it again, pain still there but a little abated. You try it again and again because really, who wants to keep free stuff tucked away? Eventually it will stop hurting and then it's like the shoes were a part of your feet.
Now look at this picture:
With these men, you get a lot of things free. Sanex products, differently styled glasses and children's novels to name some. Oh, I know what you will say. You get similar things free with the new 'all-rounders' as well.
Broady offers his bad manners and bottled up puberty to anyone who gives a shit about him.
Witchy Mitchy has his horrifying bowling action and his mother to give away as fast as a Karate chop.
Durbhajan Singh has a Hummer that he will throw at your face with great fervor anytime, as long as the Hummer is to be driven on a flat track.
Even Paul Harris has smiles to give for free. He has to. Nobody wants his bowling, even when it is free.
So that makes them all-rounders.
But friends, you forgot to note one critical point. These things must come free, ALL THE TIME. Broad sometimes grows a beard, Witchy loves his mum, Durbhajan takes the Hummer back and Harris frowns. Jakes will give you a Sanex deodrant anytime. Even if you don't stink.
Showing hints of free products at one sale and not in the next three also disqualifies you from being an all-rounder. Unless you are injured, also all the time. Then we don't really know but we pretend to agree with you because you might sit on us and crush us.
So to recap, we like free stuff and it must be given to us consistently. We also like the perfect shoe and at no point are willing to sacrifice it for the free things. If you have just started to give us both we will take it, but we will not be convinced of your abilities till you have done it for at least a few years.
In conclusion, everybody wants to be an all-rounder. Doesn't fucking mean you are one. Get over it.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Bad news
Graeme Smith is thin children. Look, he even drinks diet coke.
I had kept on making jokes about his weight till now because I was unsure. But with the diet coke so aptly placed next to his...I'll say it, flat stomach (*boohoo*), who can deny his weight loss?
What now? How will I go through life without his sausage fingers? Jesse Ryder's injured and Kandambi, I like. Yuvi is too easy a target.
Another bad news is that Barbie's shorts are too short and you will now have to behold this horrendous sight.
I apologise. But think of all those people who had to see it up close and personal and bear it for them. Do it for the English player that has to sleep in the same hotel room as Barbie. Do it for mankind.
Again, very sorry.
I had kept on making jokes about his weight till now because I was unsure. But with the diet coke so aptly placed next to his...I'll say it, flat stomach (*boohoo*), who can deny his weight loss?
What now? How will I go through life without his sausage fingers? Jesse Ryder's injured and Kandambi, I like. Yuvi is too easy a target.
Another bad news is that Barbie's shorts are too short and you will now have to behold this horrendous sight.
I apologise. But think of all those people who had to see it up close and personal and bear it for them. Do it for the English player that has to sleep in the same hotel room as Barbie. Do it for mankind.
Again, very sorry.
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