Bowling is skin deep

When Binga was injured for the umpteenth time Dougie B packed his bags and waited for the call. Actually, he might have waited even before Binga injured himself. Everybody knew it was coming. He is paying back mankind for unleashing his atrocious Hindi song upon us. One injured limb for every record sold.

But the call never came. Dougie waited with his tomato face till someone gave him a squeeze and said,
"The peacock is in its way, Dougie"

"Why Hildy why?" Dougie asked.

No answer.

Dougie and Harris arrived at the IPL at the same time, both were easily the best bowlers of the tournament and both won matches for their teams. Dougie's team...eventually...won...the IPL!

So when the time came to replace Binga and Hilfy was still unavailable, most thought the new IPL3 champions AND the one who kept his Aussie colours with his IPL team, would be an automatic choice. But it was not to be. It was Ryan Harris who got the call, the same Ryan Harris whose chest is placed too highly, just like a peacock's.

How can Binga, one of the prettiest men in cricket, be replaced by Dougie tomato face? Getting people to come watch the games in the Windies is tough enough and on top of that they lose Binga and his applebutt. So they replace the butt, with a chest.

Dougie has none of this. I mean, the man makes Simon Katich look handsome for fuck's sakes!

No, Dougie has no place in the Australian squad. Not when he is replacing Brett Lee. Not when the people will come back to watch Ryan Harris till they can figure out why his chest is so oddly placed.

Unless Witchy picks up an injury and McKay, MacDonald, Moises, McGrath and Bracken are all unavailable.

The injustice continues

And this times some of the cricketers look downright ecstatic to be in the video.

Some moments to look out for:
-Dirk Nannes shaking his booty
-Shane Warne over-acting
-Dave Warner pretending to be Egyptian
-Hersch looking confused
-Lumb doing a bad version of the hokey pokey
-Moises dancing like a girl

Is it a coincidence that four out of six people in this list are Australian? I don't think so.

Moises is a captain

I'll give you a minute to stop laughing.

Done? Okay.

So Stuart Clark was injured, more like depressed about his Test rejection, and NSW decided to announce, and I quote, "Australia's Golden Boy" as their captain.

This is where I remind you guys that Kieron Pollard likes to eat Moises (I have a crappy name) for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Moises has 24 First Class wickets, since his debut in 2006 and 25 List A wickets. I have no clue what List A is, but what about this record sounds golden? WHAT about this record makes him stand-in captain worthy?

Having talent is something else, but you have to be able to execute that into records to achieve something. People are praising him for playing a captain's knock because he added 65 runs to his top order's 207 in the first innings and took 3 wickets overall. And still lost. How very shocking!

It might be a tiny glitch, but I have heard that Australian players are bred to be the absolute best because at no point during their training are they given anything that they do not deserve. Even if it was their dying wish. And this is the Sheffield Cup, where most of the tough bastards are born.

But now, Shane Watson is still over-hyped, they can't find a decent wicket-keeper and modelling queen Michael Clarke is going to one day lead the Aussies in tests. The very thought of that sends my into hysterics. Do you see anyone in the team respecting this man as their captain?

A good batsman, yes. A team man, sure. A friend, maybe if he puts on a shirt. But a captain? Every time he gives an insipirational talk, his team-mates are going to picture him topless, hiding his privates with his fingers.

What is wrong with Australian cricket?

Merv's Moustache

This is the story of one man and his moustache and how the shaggy hair on his upper lips guided him through all the tough selections.

Ashes 09, 5th Test

Merv: Tell me oh shaggy one, do I pick four seamers or put a spinner there?
Moustache: I say, it looks like the pitch will turn later. Blimey! This is a tough one, innit?
Merv: I think we should let Nathan play mate. After all, he did shockingly take wickets this series and surprise everyone by establishing himself as a spinner...more or else.
Moustache: Bollocks! We'll go with four seamers. Get Stuart Clark in.
Merv: He was kind of shit in the second innings of the 4th test though and the pitch seems to be better suited for spinners...
Moustache: Don't be a twat! Clark in, Hauritz out. I like them pacers. They make me twitch. If they blame you just say you misread the pitch. And make Punter say the same. Otherwise I'll boo him.
Merv: But..
Moustache: The 'tache has spoken.

India vs Australia, 2009

Merv: Shaggy one, we have a long injury list...
Moustache: Moises and Clint are going to replace them, yaar!
Merv: But the injured are...
Moustache: I don't need to know. I'm saying Moises and Clint will play, baas, they will play.
Merv: The problem is, even I don't know who McKay is and Moises seems to like getting whacked by batsmen. Stuart Clark on the other hand...or even Dirk Nannes...
Moustache: Clark lost us the Ashes my friend. And Dirk is also a Victorian. Selecting him and McKay is the same thing. No more discussions. The 'tache has spoken.

West Indies vs Australia, 2009

Moustache: Is Chris Gayle coming, mon?
Merv: We don't know yet mate.
Moustache: We open the bowling with Andrew McDonald and Shane Watson is to bowl the death overs. Give the rest of the boys some time off. The WAGS can play instead.
Merv: I don't think the WAGS know how to play.
Moustache: Bubu! They have been with the boys long enough to know how to play. Don't question my judgement, mon! And make Lara Bingle the captain. The 'tache has spoken.

If you haven't figured it out by now, the 'tache has been playing for the other teams all along. Just like the Australian selectors.

The good, the bad and the funny

The Good:
- Bangladesh winning against Zimbabwe...cricket makes sense again
-Australia losing...BAHAHAHAHAHA
-Ashraful scoring 63 at long last! But Tamim overshadowing his return to the score board with a 80 was a thousand times better
-Enamul Haque Jnr continuing to take wickets
-Not having to watch Yuvraj's jiggly belly because of errands

The Bad:
-Hamilton scoring more than Tamim. (I am not impressed)
-India winning
-Yuvraj Singh scoring 78
-Adopted son Mushfiq scoring only 4
-Bangladesh's middle order collapsing
-Not getting to watch Moises bowl because of errands

The Funny:
-Australian bowlers
-Chigumbura going for 28 runs in his 4 overs
-Moises replacing Brett Lee. The Oz selectors really should try their hand at comedy
-Ricky Ponting giving the ball to Adam Voges and then Adam Voges giving 13 runs in one over
-Yuvraj Singh giving his wicket to Moises
-Moises looking more surprised than elated with his maiden ODI wicket. I had a similar expression

It didn't go over the ropes? What does that mean?

Look at what psychology can do!

Inside Ricky's head before, during and after the second ODI:

-BRETT LEE INJURED
-JAMES HOPES INJURED
-MITCHELL JOHNSON INJURED...what it's just a twisted ankle? Shut his face up and put him on the field!
-Moises...being...flown...in...for...replacement
-Andrew McDonald is the other choice
-Briefly contemplating suicide
-TIM PAINE INJURED (Australia now has to go for their 10th best wicketkeeper who is possibly 5...or has just arrived in this world)
-Panic...panic...nowhere to run...chew gum...check on storage of chewed gum after match...must pick out the one that helped win the Ashes in 06/07 and chew again for good luck
-More interviews...India outplayed us...say it but don't believe it...it was all psychological
-7 ODI's is the best shit they ever came up with. Now we have 5 more to bounce back. Long live seven, seven is the new five.
- Why isn't Watson injured yet?
-Must go on Facebook and lap up all the love from my fans.
-Clarkey that bastard! Picked up an injury at the right time.
-Wait...is that the answer?
-Should I injure myself so someone else can take the heat?
-Oh Merv, wait till you read the next headline!

Note to the people of India, please keep a look out for Ricky Ponting trying to bend his legs in ways his legs don't bend.

A day of bad news

1) T&T lost and yet another Australian team took the trophy home. I get this feeling everybody is feeling really bad for Australia for losing the Ashes hence they are being nice. This is my way of denying the fact that the Aussies seem to have more or less recovered from their bad patch and may start their domination all over again. They are not nearly as fun to watch when they are not sucking. Although, I do want India to lose in the upcoming series so they will have to play well for the next seven games. Dammit!

2) No Moises vs KP. So not only did Kato ruin the final by winning, he did not give people a chance to watch Moises getting assaulted as well. Someone should teach Kato the responsibilities he has towards the people who come to watch the match. No one came to watch your team win Kato. They wanted some violence and you didn't allow it to happen. You will pay for this.

3) HERSCHELLE GIBBS AND MAKHAYA NTINI HAVE BEEN DROPPED FROM THE SOUTH AFRICAN ODI AND T20 SQUAD! This is the most terrible news of all! These are indications that the Saffers might be preparing for a WC11 without these two. They cannot force my Hersch into retirement! Those BASTARDS! If the Poms win this because the Saffers used inexperienced players I am going to feed Mike Procter to the starving lions in my basement. I probably should have done that when he decided to drop Morne. Then this would not have happened! I must admit Makhaya's exclusion was expected though. It's tough being a fast bowler in your 30's. But if Binga can do it Maky, so can you. So change your hairstyle and start giving 'I'm 100% ready' interviews!

I am upset with this day. If there is a tornado outside your window, it's my out of control rage.

The Bald and the Beautiful

It was pretty much the story of Hersch, JP and Bravo wasn't it? Bravo being the beautiful for his awesome batting. No points for guessing who the bald are.

Ravi Rampaul made a guest appearance towards the end of the Cobras innings. Damn, that was some fine example of death bowling! But it still won't get him in the IPL. His name is too Indian-sounding. And clearly the IPL has nothing to do with Indian players. Sorry Ravi.

I am actually indifferent to the result. It's not like this is the Proteas. I only went for the Cobras because of Hersch and he thankfully decided to finally rise from ground zero. He did his part with the batting and the fielding. If he could bowl, he would have done that splendidly too. It's not his fault that the rest of the Cobras were shockingly bad. Speaking of shocking, here's a funny picture where Davids actually looks surprised after dropping the second catch.

Focusing all his energy on the drop...

It's funny because he took some amazing catches against Bangalore in the first match. Meaning as I laugh, I am crying in the inside.

Right, so T&T are through to the finals. You know what that means right? Kieron is sharpening his bat on a strop while Moises is praying for Anubis to come take him away. But that ain't happening. Anubis will be too busy chilling with me and cheering KP on as he busts your balls again and again and again.

Cricket balls that is.

What's in a name?

Plenty, for Moises Henriques. It's the reason he didn't get the man of the match award at today's match, despite making a swift comeback from the clutches of Pollard. His economic rate was the second lowest amongst the NSW bowlers and he took the highest number of wickets...3/11 off 3 overs. Yet Dave Warner snatched the award away from him with his whopping 48 from 25 balls...which was the highest score in this miserable match.

Now you are going to say, it was a difficult pitch to bat on you stupid imbecile, which is exactly why Warner got it! And I am going to say, why don't you say that to the bowlers from Victoria? They gave 169 runs in 20 overs, none of which came from extras and got only 7 wickets between them. Looks like the NSW batsmen don't know a hard batting pitch when they see one.

Since I am in a mood to win, I am also going to point out that two of Moises's wickets were Dussey and White. Dussey is regarded one of Australia's best T20 batsman. Which is not much of an achievement since the Aussies are shit at T20, but we will give it to him. Having a brother whose dead cricket career is still being put on display regularly, cannot be easy. And White, well White is the brand new Michael Clarke of Oz T20. Moises got both of them, yet Moises failed to land an award.

The woes of being a bowler? Nope. The woes of having a name like Moises which no one can utter without rupturing their lungs. Or whichever part of our anatomy bursts first with laughter.

Daym son!

It's the only appropriate response to Kieron Pollard, who by the way has an awesome name. Almost as awesome as Kemar. Almost.

Three games, three wins-that's Trinidad's record in this tournament. Everyone thought their winning streak would end in this game, which it nearly did. Speaking of which, did anyone know Phil Hughes could also be effective at T20? I swear he is some sort of a cyborg conceptualized by Merv and co. to save Australian cricket from the clutches of Mr. Bingle and his missus. Of course, he was manufactured at the Banana Republic...hence the inclusion of the American in the team.

Back to Pollard. Kieron is a young man with big dreams. When he is not dreaming about whooping Chris Gayle's ass, he likes to assault boys with nasty names like Moises Henriques. When Moises was born, his parents could not decide which religious character their son would take after- Moses or Isis. So they took a chance and named him Moises. Thereafter, they crowned him the King of Catastrophe. It is little wonder then that he was bought by the Kolkata Knight Riders and a magnificent batting beast from a 'cricket-doomed' country treated his bowling with disdain. In a match where Stuart Clark was trying to prove that Cricket Australia had named the wrong T20 captain, Henriques coiled like a pussy, allowing Trinidad to win from a losing situation. Oh, and his middle name is Constantino...as in a constant sucker. His parents never gave him a chance.

This is the second time the Aussies has been smacked around by a single West Indian in T20. I had mixed feelings about the first game but this time around I am gifting Pollard a license to assault anyone, anytime.

But remember, even after all this, the Cobras will win.