"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Thursday, August 26, 2010

What's in your belly?

Sometimes, Stuart Broad inspires me. It's purely accidental of course, but it happens. This time he has inspired me to spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering what is in each cricketer's belly.

Apparently, Barbie has fire in his (link via GreyBlazer). Models all over the world are wondering if this is the new way to shed a few pounds before a big show.

That got me thinking. If Barbie has fire in his belly then what about those real fast bowlers? What do they have in their bellies that drives them to be the fantastic bowlers they are?

Dale Steyn, I would say, has a set of eyes that commands his deliveries. The eyes are that of a woman's, don't ask me whose. All I know is that she is very powerful and can turn Dale into a maniac.

Aamer definitely has a cute, cuddly but rabies infested mouse. I hear the mouse has RP tattooed on it's body. Asif has some mysterious smoke. I think it was once a fire that went on strike the minute Barbie made his claim. Never fear, it will be back. Barbie's is probably a fake plastic one anyway.

Dougie has a razor, which may also explain his hairstyle. Hilfy has fighter jet plane.

Maliga has an axe, a slightly erratic one. Kemar Roach has a thousand beetles that will crawl all over you till you give in to them. Mitchell Johnson has two fat eggs because at least one of them seems to be dysfunctional at some point. Morne has a lollipop and Fidel Edwards has your momma.

And I know this name doesn't belong here but I thought I would let you know that Shane Watson has hair gel in his belly, before he starts crying.

Disclaimer: No fast bowler was cut open surgically or otherwise during the making of this post.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Save me

For I am cricket deprived.

So grave is my situation that just the other day, as I read the headlines on CP 24, I saw that English bowler Graeme Swann had cited the immediate need to rescue a cat in distress as the reason for his drunk driving. Obviously, seeing as this was a Canadian news channel, I thought I was hallucinating. Turns out Swannyg66 is indeed a chivalrious Puss in Boots and THIS is the news that the Canadians thought should go up on their headlines. Not Afridi boom booming all over the place, not Dhoni's sudden wedding, not even AB's CD release.

Cricket will never be taken seriously in this country.

Speaking of seriously, I am also so cricket deprived that I am seriously considering buying AB's album. Apparently, his songs are about cricket, inspiration, positivity, winning, dreams and everything that teenagers will scream and die for. Why AB wastes his time playing cricket, I don't understand. Surely, he should at least consider filling that 5th Backstreet Boy spot that's empty right now? That way, when my cricket deprivation has driven me to a permanent state of mental instability, I will be listening to 'songs' written by the Backstreet Boys on cricket. You know like: 'Quit dropping catches off my bowling', 'Larger than Jakes', 'I want Graeme that way...'.

Seriously, save me.

And while you are saving me, can you save Bangladesh cricket as well? I hear Crashraful is in the squad for the New Zealand tour...

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Overdue post on the Buffalo

A lot of things went through my mind when I heard that the Buffalo had stepped down as South Africa's T20 Captain. I was surprised and elated at the same time. Surprised because I actually thought that CSA would have to forcibly remove his stubborn ass, rather than him getting over it long enough to realize that he is seriously unimaginative when it comes to limited overs cricket. Although, he could also have done it because it seems to be the latest trend. Plus Ricky did it, so must Smithy! This statement has no evidence to back it up whatsoever, but if you have watched the two closely, you will know intuitively that Graeme is a bit of a Ricky follower. And if you still don't see it, try harder.

Anyway, I was so elated that I watched the resignation video again and again, mostly to hear the Buffalo say "I've always had a philosophy.."

*Pause for laughter*

I wish that he had stepped down as ODI captain as well, although I guess the World Cup is a little too close right now. Something tells me that the Buffalo will try very hard to bow out in glory, and as much as he annoys me I hope it doesn't fucking blow up in his face. Not at the expense of another Saffa World Cup exit.

The real reason I am so happy is because people have always thought that I was crazy for wanting Smithy to step down and now thankfully the validation of my sanity has come from the perpetrator himself. His little speech might say that he is doing it to lengthen his career my friends, but I'm telling you Smithy probably watched some footage of his captaincy during his vacation. Maybe he thought he'll learn something. I am glad he learnt the right lesson.

Now Botha is taking over. Botes is not a great T20 player but I am fine with this because he wasn't appalling against Australia as a skipper. I would have died of shock had AB been given the reigns. I don't care what you say but just because he is great at everything, it does not necessarily mean that he will make a good leader. In fact, I am fairly certain that AB won't be a good captain till he grows up a little. Yes, I said it. He still has a lot more maturing to do.

If Botha doesn't work out though they might have a bit of a problem, because I really don't know which other Saffa is actually ready to captain their T20 side.Maybe Jakes, but that's a short-term investment.

Maybe Boeta Dipenaar.


Fuck! I sure hope Botha doesn't flop!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

That's it?

I missed the Sri Lanka and India game yesterday because of work. Story of my life lately! But I did log onto Twitter for a bit to see what was going on and I realized that I missed something very interesting. Twitterville was buzzing with opinions on the 'Randiv incident'. I couldn't wait to go back home and look it up.

When I did, it turned out that Randiv had deliberately bowled a no ball, when India needed one run to win so Sehwag would not get his 13th ODI hundred. And I thought to myself, that's it?

By the reactions of those on the internet, one would think that this was Sehwag's last ever ODI match and he was denied a glorious exit. I am sure Sehwag was at his prolific best as he often tends to be but seriously, what a fucking sorry-ass of an incident!

This has less to do with Virender Sehwag and more to do with batsmen and their continuous whining. They whine about everything. Pitches annoy them, audience members distract them, umpires give them unfair decisions, bowlers deny them centuries...hello, that's their fucking job! Just because the match is lost, he is supposed to hand you a century?

And don't give me all that crap about the 'Spirit of Cricket'. What is the Spirit of Cricket really? You can bend that law/saying/intuition/whatever it is supposed to be to make your own point. Like statistics, it is only there to serve your purpose and nothing else. Like, if this was the century that was going to take Sehwag past Sachin Tendulkar in the record books, I would have used the Spirit of Cricket bullshit to blast Randiv and condemned him for his act. See how easy that was?

And if we are so big on the Spirit of Cricket how about investing in something called the Spirit of Bowling as well? Let's not expect bowlers to pick up the slack of shitty batting performances; let's have harsh punishments for terrible fielders who drop the one fucking ball that comes to them after the bowlers have toiled for hours; let's recognize the bowler's contribution not only when he has taken wickets but also when he bowled brilliantly but remained wicket less. LET FAST BOWLERS BOUNCE THE BATSMEN! Let spinners deceive them. Make pitches...aah fuck it! That's a lost cause.

My point is, had this happened to Shane Watson, we would have all laughed and said he deserved it for being a twat. And Watson is, if you force your brain to think about it for a few seconds, a pretty talented batsman as well. We would have said that Randiv was being competitive, so why support Sehwag's whining?

Me, I am glad he got stranded on 99. Just like I support an opposition team's increased efforts to rattle a batsman when he is in the 90's, irrespective of the situation.

Friday, August 13, 2010

One whole year of spams

On August 13th, 2009 a spammer decided to con the cricket blogosphere. It first perched itself prettily on one of the most beloved and famous cricket sites of all times, Amy S Talks Cricket, and then started it's dirty work.

It first recruited some innocent cricket lovers by the names of Stani Army, Esra Star, Brandon, Bella,Miss Jane, Richie, Frau and Morne's Lover. Upon recruitment this virus-like spam infested their brains with her evil plans till they mechanically started to assist it to grow far and wide. Deeper and deeper  into the hay-wired world of the internet and cricket.

Then it crept slowly into lovely brains like Leela, Scorpicity, Straight Point, Prafs, Mary Jane, Christopher Poshin, Raj, Nazim, Som, Maz, Maddy, Ian, MTJAG, and Adi. The virus was specially successful in turning poor Sid, mspr1nt, Marty D, Wes and Ach into mentally unstable individuals so they actually befriended the spammer and went onto believing in her spamming ways.

The greats, Jrod, Sarah Canterbury, Old Batsman and Ceci and Mel even put the spammer on their blogroll upon which it became much, much easier for her to trap more and more cricket lovers.

IOB gave her a free book and World Cricket Watch called her 'exciting'. Little did they know that she was only on a spam role.

SixSixEight, Reina,Suave, Dave the Bard, Betti, Beggy, Mark and Lady Giraffe befriended her on twitter. There was no stopping her now!

Mahek, Naked Cricket and Holding Willey welcomed her with open arms into their blogs. She spent many happy hours turning them into my her homes. So much so that BCC! now even shares it's birthday with her. All in a day's work for a virus like her!

Finally, the spammer even managed to give birth to a genuine blogger, with some help from her virus-infested friends, and Sunny's blog was born. Oh the joys of being a spammer!

Amidst all of this, there were the anons and the readers who continued to be happily spammed by her, oblivious to the nonsense she was filling their brains with.

Inch by inch, step by step, she happily ate away at their brains. Loving every neurotransmitter and burping away merrily. Even those she forgot to mention in this post. Yes my friends, she enjoyed feasting on you very much.

It is only apt that this Queen of Eternal Spamation turns a year old on Friday the 13th.

101 reasons why I like the Kiwis

I've been trying to figure out why I like the Kiwis so much. Apart from the fact that they have Daniel Vettori and are basically neutral like Switzerland I mean. So I was reading up on them when it suddenly struck me.

New Zealand is considered by many to be a state of Australia.
Canada is called the 51st American state.
Truth is, We are both a million times better than our neighbours.

That was reason number three.

The Kiwis always surprise people with their cricket. We never look at them and say, 'this team is so fucking talented they will rule the world one day'. Then they thrash India by 200 runs.

That is a huuuuge margin. Even bigger considering three of their top players and match-winners were all absent. Vettori is apparently in labour, Jesse Ryder is still drunk and Baz is probably at sea, in a quest to truly find his calling.

That is reason number four.

Reason number five is IOB. Enough said.

Then there are others, like Ross Taylor, Scott Styris, Shane Bond and of course Stephen Fleming. Stephen Fleming alone can be reason number nine to a hundred. And because of his awesome performance I will now add Daryl Tuffey to that list.

Reason number hundred and one.

Strangely, by the end of this list I have also managed to come up with a reason I like India: they gave Dhoni grey hair.

Or maybe it was the wife.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Barbie apologizes

Dear strange people who don't live in Barbie land,

Why don't you live in Barbie land? Do you hate me? Of course not, look how pretty I am! See, the reason I am asking is because if you lived in Barbie land you would know that I am not a brat, neither spoiled. I am just a lovely, pretty, girl who knows that pouting will get you everything you ever asked for.

That's why when the Umpire rejected my appeal for LBW, I pouted and pouted but it didn't work. So I threw the ball and pretended to throw it at the batsman. I knew it wouldn't have hurt him because I am such a delicate flower. How can a ball thrown by me go faster than a turtle? You know the turtle who won the race? Yes, I go slow like him. But I still win.

Because I am a lovely, pretty little girl who gets whatever she wants. And when I don't, I just misbehave but it's absolutely harmless. I mean, whoever's heard of pouting being of real harm? Plus, the men I play with are big and burly, they can take it!

But I am still going to apologize, because I want you all to come to my tea party. So I will lift my hand at the batsman and pretend it was an accident and later on plead guilty as I hand out invitations to the tea party. They will let me off leniently because I really serve the finest fake tea in all of Barbie land.

This is my apology. It really is. Look at my pretty face, how can I be lying?

(Why does every pic of Broad I come across have the word Boss in them? He tries so hard...)

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Don't worry about Ricky

I heard, because I am being such an gigantic bum when it comes to keeping up with cricket these days, that Ricky the bastard Ponting may retire if the Ashes is lost in Australia.

First of all, I have a sneaking suspicion that that is not going to happen. As in Australia won't lose the Ashes in Australia. I'll give you the reasons later, when the series starts. But for now, let's assume that the Aussies lose the Ashes a second consecutive time (i.e. be delusional) and consider Ricky's future.

Ricky Ponting is a man of many talents. Being a bastard is one of the main ones and it is one he pulls off with complete ease. But there are other sides to his character as well. For example being a stubborn pig, carrying an ego that is bigger than him (but how hard is that really?), helping children with cancer, the ability to have cute children...although I suspect his lovely wife has a bigger contribution to the 'cute' part.

And all of these skills are actually transferable off the pitch. But the one that's really going to get him through his fall from grace is his acting skills.

Yes children, his acting skills. You might know by now that I like Ricky Ponting and hate him at the same time. I have no clue why, but I suspect that his stellar commercials has something to with it, like this one that I just saw over at Jrod's.

Did you even know Ricky Ponting could talk in a high pitch, shrill voice? It's like the woman in him just came out, the drag version of Punter- Rikisha Panini (or Panty Rutting as suggested by Sophie from Test Match Sofa).

Don't worry about Ricky he will be fine even if he retires. And if everything else falls through there is always Valvoline. You know what I mean?

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

What a break does to you

Pictures courtesy of Cricket South Africa:


Methinks a liposuction is in order 

You are a friggin' FAST BOWLER!

Err, missed him much Hash?

See, I wasn't completely on crack when I insisted that they should play ALL THE TIME! 

And yes Maky is back. As is Justin Kemp. At least for the training.

The controversies begin

You know the ICC is shittier than shit when you hear something like,

' We have only four hot spot cameras which means we can only use them after the quarterfinals. If we were to have hot spot cameras available for the group stages as well, we would have had to order them in January or February of this year.'

Then why didn't you?

Which organization does last minute planning for their most prestigious event? And if funding is the problem then you should probably fire everybody in your Fundraising department because the money for something as important as this should have been ready at least over a year ago. I have never run such a big organization like the ICC and even I know stuff like this!

So they fucked up and now we have to sit and wonder what hot spot would have shown. That is just unfair not only on the teams, but on the fans as well. I am not a big fan of the UDRS but I really like hot spot as it's conclusive most of the time. It is the one that SHOULD be there, specially in such an important tournament. But who will knock that sense into the ICC?

They are not even trying to find some alternative to the problem to at least partially solve it. I don't know what such an alternative would be (neon balls? outfits that change colour when the ball hits?) as I don't get paid big bucks to think about these things. But it would be nice if the guys who do actually come up with SOMETHING.

Put your thinking cap on Dave! Give us a good World Cup. It happens once every four years!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Grow some balls Gary

I was really happy when I realized Durby wasn't in the third test. I thought someone had stood up to the injustice that is Harbhajan Singh and axed him. Maybe Gary Kirsten had the balls to go up to the selectors and threatened to quit if he was included again. But to be honest, it doesn't look like he does. Because the only reason the bastard is not in the team is because he is injured.

Then again, it looks like no one has the balls to drop Durby. Either that or he is the selection board's secret keeper and will open his mouth the minute they let him go. There is literally no other way of explaining this.

But I do think that there are plenty of ways to drop him and most of them has to start with Gary Kirsten. He is the fucking coach! Why doesn't he get to drop those who harm the effort the rest of the team puts in? If Durby doesn't perform, he probably needs to spend extra time with him, when he could very well have used that extra time on someone who isn't a lost cause. And yes, Durby is a lost cause. Otherwise, don't you think he would have at least been ashamed of his pie chucking by now and attempted to be a little bit more effective?

So c'mon Gary! Walk into that selection meeting room and break some chairs. Light Durby's Hummer on fire if he doesn't quit himself. Kidnap the rest of the team and negotiate for a Indian cricket team without Durby. Tie Durby to a chair and force him to watch his own bowling till he realizes it's shit.

Or better yet INJURE HIM FOR LIFE!


Bangladesh postpone Kiwi test

I love tests, but let's face it, Bangladesh really need to work very hard on their one day skills if they are not to lose to Ireland and Netherlands again in WC 2011. I also know that this opening sentence is making you wonder why Bangladesh get to play tests in the first place and even postpone one one top of that. Well they do, and since every argument for and against has already been made in the past, all I am going to say is : if Bangladesh is stripped of their test status you get the pleasure of watching more India vs Sri Lanka series, as none of these teams want to travel far. Nor do they want to travel to Pakistan. Hence, Bangladesh is doing you a service.

But back to the topic at hand. This was a smart decision, which is oh so rare for the BCB. Unlike some other countries we have actually had a good couple of years in terms of playing a variety of teams. Sure we still managed to play Sri Lanka the most (The Lankans need to expand their country vocab a little), but overall it's been good exposure in the test level. But now the WC is only six months away (YAY!) and we don't even have a stable one day team.

I personally feel good about Bangladesh's chances of making it to the second round in this World Cup, because it's the World Cup and it distorts all logic and judgement. All you want to do is be blindly behind your team. So any move they are making in an attempt to at least meet that expectation will be supported by me.

Of course, I am still looking forward to the test against the Kiwis afterwards. The last time they met in February, the bloody 'series' had only one test. It's about time we finish it.