Breathe Graeme

Dear Graeme,

Let me make this very clear. This letter of concern and advise (yes, you read that right) has very little to do with you. I don't like you and even though I have said it a million times before I feel the need to clarify this in the very beginning. Lest you and the world thinks I am developing a soft spot for you. So once again, I do not like you.

But, now that you cannot solely be responsible for SA's many, many, MANY failures with your unbelievably stupid decisions, I have come to terms with the fact that the team does in fact need you. You are an opener, and a good opener at that. Once upon a time you used to be borderline great, but obviously you have declined since then. I don't blame you. Captaining SA, getting fat, taking in people's hate, batting- all very tiring. No matter how much of a multitasker you are.

In hindsight, you weren't a terrible captain. I know I make you sound like an abomination, but you did fine as per your capabilities. Yeah, that's a compliment. Take it.

But in hindsight, you are turning out to be a terrible batsman. And that's a tagline I never thought I'd give you. Because you aren't a terrible batsman. In fact, it's the one thing you ARE good at. Opening the batting for South Africa. And considering SA's past openers have been Gary Kirsten, Daryl Cullinan, Herschelle Gibbs etc. that wasn't an easy position to fill. But you did fine for a while. Then obviously, the captaincy took precedence and now you are 30 and may not be able to bat like you used to.

It's scary for us too. Till date, I have yet to see an opener that can replace Herschelle Gibbs which means your other end, is still empty. This also means, a lot of the responsibilities lie on your shoulders. You are no stranger to responsibilities, but I would assume this one's personal. I mean, this one is about you and your forte. And to be honest, it's been bitterly disappointing us for a while now.

So breathe. Age and other distractions sadly took one of SA's great opening batsman. Gibbs, never recovered to achieve what he was meant to achieve. You still have time, or so I would like to think. SA isn't ready to lose another solid opener. Not till Prince becomes a regular (IF he becomes a regular) and Gary Kirsten has figured out where AB should play (god dammit, will you pick a spot already!). Or till they think Rudolph needs to start to represent the Proteas. Seriously! What does a guy have to do?

Finally, let me remind you that I do not like you. But breathe and get your shit together.

Twelve days to go..

Time for another SA vs Aus series. I've been waiting for this since...well, the last SA vs Aus series. Nothing and I mean NOTHING, makes me happier.

Dale Steyn and Mitchell Johnson will snarl and swear.

Ricky will want to repeat what was apparently his proudest moment as captain- a series victory in South Africa with his new, young, moderately talented team. 

Morne will seek revenge. He took a LOT of heat from the Aussies last time. Deservedly so. He was a bitter disappointment.

ALLAN DONALD and GARY KIRSTEN are back, in a different capacity. They haven't tasted a victory against the Aussies as Proteas in AGES. 

AB is injured and out.

The Proteas haven't played since the last ice age.

The Aussies have only beaten Sri Lanka in recent times. I don't even know if we should call Sri Lanka a team anymore. They have so many players, it's like an exchange student focus group. People come, share their stories and leave. No one stays long enough to form a solid foundation.

But that's not my problem right now. This series has all the makings of a true thriller.

All I want from this series is for Dale to knock someone out, Mitchell to have many different hairstyles, a comeback by Mark Boucher, Twatto's tears, Ricky spitting on Pup and a South African victory.

But really, I'll just settle for some good cricket. Talent vs talent, attitude vs attitude, brilliant strategies from Graeme Smith and Michael Clarke.

Okay, I'll take two out of three. It's not like I have a choice.

Grow some balls Gary

I was really happy when I realized Durby wasn't in the third test. I thought someone had stood up to the injustice that is Harbhajan Singh and axed him. Maybe Gary Kirsten had the balls to go up to the selectors and threatened to quit if he was included again. But to be honest, it doesn't look like he does. Because the only reason the bastard is not in the team is because he is injured.

Then again, it looks like no one has the balls to drop Durby. Either that or he is the selection board's secret keeper and will open his mouth the minute they let him go. There is literally no other way of explaining this.

But I do think that there are plenty of ways to drop him and most of them has to start with Gary Kirsten. He is the fucking coach! Why doesn't he get to drop those who harm the effort the rest of the team puts in? If Durby doesn't perform, he probably needs to spend extra time with him, when he could very well have used that extra time on someone who isn't a lost cause. And yes, Durby is a lost cause. Otherwise, don't you think he would have at least been ashamed of his pie chucking by now and attempted to be a little bit more effective?

So c'mon Gary! Walk into that selection meeting room and break some chairs. Light Durby's Hummer on fire if he doesn't quit himself. Kidnap the rest of the team and negotiate for a Indian cricket team without Durby. Tie Durby to a chair and force him to watch his own bowling till he realizes it's shit.

Or better yet INJURE HIM FOR LIFE!

Oh...

Threeway

A man from Room 666 is on the phone.

Man: Hello Front Desk? Can I please get Graeme Smith's room number please? 300? Corresponding to his weight I see...nothing. Thank you.

Dials 300.

Man: Hello Fatty..err Smithy, M.S. here. No, I am not some new Saffa player! I am the captain of the Indian cricket team! Yes, that M.S! Non-South Africans are known by their initials too you know? Like KP...oh wait!

Smith: Aww look, how can I help you M.S?

Dhoni: Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you what excuse you are using for the abysmal performance. We didn't do too well you know. Gary said we can't use the IPL again because we used it last time and Lalit wasn't too happy. Plus Twatto was also in the IPL and he isn't tired at all! Between you and me, I think he's on steriods. But it's not like Twatto had to play till the end! I won the IPL you know! As did Albie. How is Albie?

Smith: Albie's fine. And we aren't using any excuses. Majola started recording our excuses so he pretty much has it all by now. We are just saying that we sucked! Maybe you should say that too. That way, others don't get the satisfaction as much and your female fans adore you again.

Dhoni: But it WASN'T my fault! I was in the FINALS of the IPL! I won the cup! I am TIRED! I don't know what excuses the others are giving, but mine is legitimate. And Durby's. The poor guy, bowling four overs every match!

Smith: Aww look, what about Vijay, Zaheer and Raina?

Dhoni: They are young! Plus Zaheer costs a fortune. You are being of no help mate!

Smith: Maybe we should call Chris, see what excuse he is using.

Dhoni: Oh good idea! Let me call him. What's his room number again?

Smith: 420.

Dhoni: Okay, hang on.

Dials 420. A sleepy man picks up. Even on the phone, you can tell that he has shades on.

Chris: Hello?

Dhoni: Hello Chris? This is M.S. How are you mon? Oh sorry. Yes I know that was terrible. I have Graeme on the other line, let me connect you two. Smith! The fat one? Yes, yes.

Connects the lines.

Chris: Hi Biffy? How was the roast beef tonight?

Smith: I didn't have roast beef tonight.

Chris: Oh, why do they call you Biff then?

Smith: Aww look, let's forget about that. M.S and I want to know what excuse you guys are using for crashing out of the Super 8's.

Chris: No excuse. I am saying Twatto, Witchy and Hads misbehaved with us to get the focus off the loss.

Dhoni: Oooh, very Ricky-like!

Chris: Well, we were there for a while you know. I might as well have picked up something! Their beaches are shit-holes compared to ours. So I had to keep myself occupied elsewhere. But in all honesty, our women's team made the semis, so our people are not that mad. M.S, your women made it too. So take a chill pill. It's Biff who should be worried!

Smith: Worried? I am not worried. There's no one to replace me, no matter what happens.

Dhoni: Same here mate, same here. That's why I put the Aussies to bat first. Wasn't I clever? Anyway, so it seems we are all good. By the way Smithy, I wanted to ask you if you could take some of our boys with you and drop them off to Zimbabwe on the way.

Smith: We aren't going anywhere. We have to play Chris and his boys next, so we are just going to stay put and get nice and tanned. Right Chris?

Chris: You know it mon! Let's see who gets the better tan before the test starts! I am already ahead of you!

Smith: Don't worry Chris, the bet is on! See you later then! Was there anything else M.S?

Dhoni: Can you give me Paul Harris' number? Durby wanted it for some spin consultation...don't know why.

Smith: Yeah I have to look for it. Let me call you back, what's your room number?

Dhoni: 666. I don't know why! Something about how mad the people back home are and effigies. What rubbish! Of course not! Do I look like Ganguly to you? I am much better looking! Just call me back! Okay, bye!

Sehwag is injured again

Last year this time, Virender Sehwag sustained an injury. This year, Sehwag has also sustained an injury. Three things remain consistent in this monotonous story: the IPL, the T20 WC and Sehwag's shoulder.

Sehwag's shoulder, if you don't know is a portal to the future. It sensed that India was going to exit in the second round and Gary Kirsten was going to blame the IPL. So it gave away to fatigue. Lactic acid buildup, muscle breakdown, colour going from blue to purple to black...the shoulder went through the whole works. It meant Sehwag got a full four to five months vacation. But of course, on paper it was pure torture for the Sehwag. He lives to play cricket after all.

This year, the shoulder looked through its looking glass again and realized India was about to make another early exit and Gary Kirsten was going to blame it on the IPL again. Might be the last time after all. What if there is no IPL next year? So on command, the shoulder has collapsed. This year, Sehwag's vacation will be a little bit sweeter because now he does not have to add to his repertoire of crappy shots that will get you out. The shoulder will get a treat for its wonderful work.

Very soon others will be injured and we will all cry "Too much cricket!". Then Umar Gul will come limping and say, "But I haven't played cricket in months!". We will scratch our heads and look for more evidence and come up with nothing. Because really, when was the last time a test match was played? When is the next test match? We don't know. But there is still too much cricket, otherwise why would Sehwag be injured twice in a row just before the World T20 and midway/after the IPL?

Throughout all of this Virender Sehwag will sit in at home playing Oongli (finger) Cricket. It doesn't require his shoulders, but it does require the rest of the Indian squad to come home so they can have a good game going. But that is not a problem either. As long as they have the IPL to blame.

The era of Jacques Kallis

It never seems to end. Sure he has his downs but when he starts his upward journey, sky is the limit. Actually there is no limit, but to admit that is kind of scary. So we will just draw a line in the stratosphere.

I had once promised some videos of the beautiful one (in terms of his cricket...I don't actually think he is beautiful looking). That promise was made about seven months ago, so I think it's time I fulfill my promise like the good person that I am.

Also, I can't find any new words to describe the miracle that is Jacques Kallis.





Notice, he says sky is the limit. I did not take that phrase from him. Gary and I are like on the same wave-length. It's how I will lure him back to Saffaland.



How can you not love Jacques Kallis?

The height of diplomacy

An official statement has been made by the men who matter. Much to eveybody's disappointment, there was no fight and no gang-like threat from the senior members of the team. It was a simply a case of different views and Mickiness felt that he could not continue to be a part of the team.

I would have believed that, but then this picture came up.

Sitting next to each other like amiable friends..LAUGHING about a resignation! C'mon! Who else thinks the Buffalo is holding a gun under the table?

Whether it's true or not, let's just take it and move on. Big tour coming up fellows, no time to waste on who did what to who. It happened, there's no changing it. Focus on India please.

Speaking of India, who gave Michael Vaughan the right to tip Kirsten as the next coach? Fucking mind your own business you old fart!

South Africa is still number one

India is currently ranked number one in tests.

India's coach is Gary Kirsten.

Gary Kirsten is South African.

Therefore, South Africa(n) is still number one in tests.

Yes? Yes.

Some would call me a bitch, but I prefer 'loyal fan'.

Khekz.

Preview: NZ vs India

The Kiwis need to win this.

I cannot be proven wrong about India not being able to win outside of India.

If I am, Ryder will be made to sit on Dan in true Sumo style. Don't worry, nothing will happen to him. I have instructed Rossy to distract Ryder with a truck full of mini burgers if things get out of hand. They are mini so he thinks he can eat as many as he likes and still maintain his 400lbs. The meat was also cooked in alcohol. It's called the North American BBQ style.

India's got Dravid back so he can enjoy watching all the other batsmen collapse around him, while he makes 1 run from every 50 balls.

Nehra is also back in the team. I look forward to his many misfields.

Gary Kirsten needs to exorcise KP's spirits from inside him and return to South Africa.

Guptill needs to show me why he is the next Dan.

The Kiwis need to win this.