Warding off injuries

I am not entirely surprised that Australia's bowlers are continuously injured. They have tormented so many teams for so long that all the curses, voodoos and black magic have finally caught up with them. Sure, Shane Warne didn't turn into a toad and Witchy didn't croak like a crow, but he did have to sit this series out because of the most ridiculous injury, an elbow infection caused by a tattoo. Second only to the English buttniggle pandemic of 2009. And in place of Shane Warne, Hauritz.. their.. ahem..next best spinner (*cough*traded down*cough*) now has a foot injury.

Normally, I would laugh. Well, I laughed this time too but then England started to win and Broad came on television a few too many times celebrating wickets. It made me violently ill. So for the sake of my health, I am giving the Aussies tips on how to ward off the injuries before they lose the entire series. I did cast most of them after all.

First, take a handful of Glenn's hair and then put them on Bolly's head. Then make sure Josh touches Bolly's tomato face before bowling. Give the little Piglet a.k.a Smith some ciggies to make him spin like Warne. Ask Twatto to give Bon Jovi of the 80's his hair back and as for Ryano, lower his chest for fuck's sakes!

Lastly, before they all go out, make them- and this is important- listen to Brett Lee songs.

Of course it also helps to win the toss and not choose to bat first with a piss weak bowling attack against a line up that bats deep. But I am not about to give you tips on how to get through to your hairy little goblin.

P.S: When I first wrote this I forgot all about Clinkt McKay, which is exactly how he should be kept injury free. Forget about him and keep him off the field.

Ricky's prayer

Oh Tasmanian Devil,

Please take over Pup and make sure every inch of niceness in that bastard is gone! Make sure you tell him not to bat if Australia are chasing or they are in a wobbly position, which they shouldn't be to begin with.

Let Kevin Pietersen burst in flames. His brain, hair, wide chest, sunglasses, iron-like arms should all be one giant pile of ashes. Let Andrew Strauss then come and take those fucking ashes home!

Let Andrew Strauss watch the whole match, every minute of the drubbing that my boys (I know Pup is the captain but who are we kidding? They still play for me) that my boys will give them to let him know what to expect at the end of this year. If possible, make Giles Clarke have a panic attack, change the rules of the game and put Andrew Strauss in the team during England's batting innings. Then make Pup give the ball to Witchy, he will break his hand.

Swap Graeme fucking Swann's body with Nathan Hauritz. I will do the rest.

Make Warner grow into a bigger ape so he can take Barbie and put him in his rightful place-in the forest with Naomi Watts.

Pay some girls to be Collyniggle's fans. He is so unappreciated in England that it will go straight to his head and his will forget how to be a captain. He might even think he is Alastair Cook.

Let Australia win so I can have another World Cup under my belt. After all, I am the real captain of the team.

Amen.

When should Punter declare?

Option 1: When North gets a century
But North decided today he was satisfied with a 90, so he went.

Option 2: When Haddin gets a half century

No such luck, them 50's are not very fond of our Haddin. I think it's the Gilly curse.

Option 3: When Ritzy finally gets off the mark

But maybe...he will score a century too...the fastest in a test?

Option 4: When it is lunch time

Face.too.stuffed. Can't speak.

Option 5: When Australia bowl themselves out

Well since we only have Harris and Bolly to go...

Breakfast in Brisbane

What is the best way to make heart diseases acceptable in society? It's simple really. Have local superstars hand it to you for free.

I mean let's face it. If Michael freaking Clarke is handing you freaking hot dogs for breakfast to launch some ODI series, you would take it. Even if he hasn't cooked it himself. Or maybe he did. He does live with Lara Bingle after all.

But that's not all. The national captain is also there, signing autographs along with the crappy Michael. So what if he can't play a pullshot anymore? He can certainly pull the fans to a heart-attack fest. Young ones too.

The idea is to fatten them up and hope they become the next Shane Warne. Just in case Nathan Hauritz breaks down and the original Warne can't see his own feet. Or anything else in the lower region of his body.

But it is not all gloom and doom as they say, because there are balloons. Lots and lots of balloons sprouting out of the bodies of the Captain and Vice-Captain. And balloons, we all know,  has the power to make light of every situation. No matter how much they weigh.

Australia's life-long search for a fat spinner continues. If you were not able to make it to this breakfast but carry the required weight, grab a balloon and make your way to Cricket Australia's office. Even Ozland's PM will welcome you with open arms.

Don't worry about the doosra. That will come as the fingers swell up with pure fat.

Ritzy muffin

Not in a 'honey bunny' way. Nathan Hauritz resembles an actual muffin. A carrot muffin to be exact. Reason? There is nothing ginger about the carrot muffin and there is nothing 'spinnerish' about Nathan Hauritz. Yet, just like the carrot muffin who has managed to hold its own against the chocolate chips and the blueberries, Ritzy retained his spot in the Aussie test team and managed to even take wickets...when Chris Gayle was not playing. But with new flavours every day, the carrot muffin's woes are never-ending, as are Ritzy's. He continues to be undermined by the opposition...smile, muffin face. At least they still want to bite into you.

Think a cricketer looks like something edible? Send in the photos at cricketminded@gmail.com and tell us why!

Dear Santa, from the Aussies

Dear Santa,

I recently tried to impress a talent scout at a game by shrieking my lungs out. I had heard that they were looking for the next Mariah Carey. But he still hasn't approached me. Can you please give him my address for Christmas? If he really wants, I can also get Benn to do a 'don't be fucking looking at me' rap with the shrieking, just to jazz it up a little. It will just be like Akon meeting K-fed. SO COOL! But don't tell Brett. He will give the idea to Bollywood. Give him a new body instead. Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is for Ricky's hyperbaric chamber to fail. It's not fair. He has the captaincy, the wife, the kid, the batting records. Why can't I get my chance? I am tiny and so is he. If we tiny people don't look out for each other how are we going to leave our mark in cricket? Please do something about this. I have been such a good boy! I didn't even tweet. Give me my chance and I will get Ozland a batting average of 100. I promise! Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

I just want the whole world to love me as much as Sid does. I know her love is enough to keep me happy for the rest of my life, but why can't the others love me just as much. I don't have a mystery ball but I do have looks. I also was wrongly dropped in a certain match where I may or may not have taken wickets. But they were wrong and for that I deserve their love. Even Gayle's. Tell him to love me, otherwise I will hit him on the head with a bat when he is not looking. Or maybe the waist, because that is how high I reach. Thank you Santa and Merry Christmas!

Merv's Moustache

This is the story of one man and his moustache and how the shaggy hair on his upper lips guided him through all the tough selections.

Ashes 09, 5th Test

Merv: Tell me oh shaggy one, do I pick four seamers or put a spinner there?
Moustache: I say, it looks like the pitch will turn later. Blimey! This is a tough one, innit?
Merv: I think we should let Nathan play mate. After all, he did shockingly take wickets this series and surprise everyone by establishing himself as a spinner...more or else.
Moustache: Bollocks! We'll go with four seamers. Get Stuart Clark in.
Merv: He was kind of shit in the second innings of the 4th test though and the pitch seems to be better suited for spinners...
Moustache: Don't be a twat! Clark in, Hauritz out. I like them pacers. They make me twitch. If they blame you just say you misread the pitch. And make Punter say the same. Otherwise I'll boo him.
Merv: But..
Moustache: The 'tache has spoken.

India vs Australia, 2009

Merv: Shaggy one, we have a long injury list...
Moustache: Moises and Clint are going to replace them, yaar!
Merv: But the injured are...
Moustache: I don't need to know. I'm saying Moises and Clint will play, baas, they will play.
Merv: The problem is, even I don't know who McKay is and Moises seems to like getting whacked by batsmen. Stuart Clark on the other hand...or even Dirk Nannes...
Moustache: Clark lost us the Ashes my friend. And Dirk is also a Victorian. Selecting him and McKay is the same thing. No more discussions. The 'tache has spoken.

West Indies vs Australia, 2009

Moustache: Is Chris Gayle coming, mon?
Merv: We don't know yet mate.
Moustache: We open the bowling with Andrew McDonald and Shane Watson is to bowl the death overs. Give the rest of the boys some time off. The WAGS can play instead.
Merv: I don't think the WAGS know how to play.
Moustache: Bubu! They have been with the boys long enough to know how to play. Don't question my judgement, mon! And make Lara Bingle the captain. The 'tache has spoken.

If you haven't figured it out by now, the 'tache has been playing for the other teams all along. Just like the Australian selectors.

Not Cricket

Well not completely. Page 2 from Cricinfo may just be one of the best pages of the site. Mainly because it's not filled with stories on the pseudo home of cricket. One of the features of Page 2 is something called a Doppelgangers-Separated at birth. It involves people sending in pictures of non-cricketing celebrities that look like cricketers. Here are the two latest ones.

Nathan Hauritz and Haley Joel Osment, two lads who gave the lie to their boy-next-door demeanour - one with a DUI charge, the other with six wickets in his first Ashes Test. One saw dead people; the other, er, dead pitches.

The resemblance is quite freaky. They even have the same eyebrows. Although, taking six wickets is nearly not as bad ass as a DUI charge. Hauritz could do better if you ask me. Like beating the living crap out of Merv for not picking him for the last Ashes test. Australian wounds reopen...

One spent much of the last two years sidelined by injuries, the other ditto by various scandals. Sorry, Mohammad Asif, you've not done a near-enough good job of convincing us you're not, in fact, Gianluigi Buffon.

I nearly bit somebody's head off at this one before reading the caption. Yes, let's compare a drug abuser to a living legend. Buffon is all man. Asif, needs drugs to even be considered a boy. Buffon is the best goalkeeper of all times, second only to Oliver Kahn. Asif, debuted for his country in 2005 and has been focusing solely on getting into trouble since then. Other than the dark, shiny hair, there's no connection. None.

Page 2 also has a Hot or Not section. Just in case you didn't know it already here's what is hot right now and what is not.

Hot: Herschelle Gibbs
Hersch chose to play for his regional side, and not his IPL one, in the Champions League. Voila, the Cobras made it into the next round, while Deccan were dumped out.

Not: Brendon McCullum
The first of the freelancers, Mac picked wrong when he chose to show up for Otago. New South Wales, for whom he had played earlier, are looking good for the title.

Not entirely true, Hersch was refused by the Chargers. But they paid for it so justice has been served. And I am always happy when Baz is put down. There's just too much hype about him. Seriously people, IPL 1 was a long time ago. Hersch on the other hand was, is and will always be hot. Only because he is a brilliant cricketer of course!

Rotten Australia

Playing with the emotions of a billion Indian fans like that! Scoundrels! Bastards!

First, Brett's tweety was enough to disturb Boom Boom, so Witchy got his wicket. Then Akmal slammed them all over the place. During the course of which, Hauritz dropped a catch and acted like he was really distraught. I thought he was seriously over-acting, just in case Australia lost the match and he could tell everybody how much he was beating himself up for it. I think you'll be better off apologizing for your spin Ritz. They don't care about your crappy fielding. They don't care about you, period.

To make Ritz look worse, Witchy Mitchy took a most difficult catch.It was so stunning that Crapinfo has a special picture to demonstrate how the catch was completed, in steps.

Step 1: Close your eyes and pray
Step 2: Open your eyes to confirm that you caught the ball and not your knuckles
Step 3: Pretend you knew you were going to catch it all along

Seriously, I know it's difficult to judge when the ball is so high and you have to run back. He did well. But what is so fantastic about this catch? Australia is expected to take such catches, specially with the American making them work so hard. Although, he needs to spend a little more time with Paine. The guy is like a frog without the sticky stuff.

I went to sleep for the rest of Pakistan's innings. They didn't score runs and they didn't lose wickets at regular intervals. So I decided it was a good idea to take my 5am nap.

Then the Aussies came to bat, needing only 206. You would think the would cruise through it, which they nearly were...with Hussey of all people, leading the chase. I think I've solved the Mystery of the Withering Hussey. He had amnesia. Now he doesn't anymore. Convinced? Neither am I.

But as soon as they realized that the Indians were watching, Ricky and his rotten men started their Shakespearean drama. The top order walked back to the change-room together and the middle order practically sprinted past them. They even gave Malik a wicket. Then Brett Lee came, the master of all Australian actors. The situation was stabilizing and it looked like the Aussies were going to win after all, but Binga knows how to entertain the Indians. He starred in a Bollywood movie. So he asked Witchy to go back. All of the sudden the Indians realized that Aus needed 17 runs, and their hopes lied on the shoulders of a fast bowler and a wannabe spinner. So starts the nail biting, the praying and the racing heart-beats.

Will they? Won't they? Will they? Won't they..........Will they?

They will. They were always going to. They just wanted to help your population problem with a few heart attacks.

I better be winning an Oscar for this...

The only downside to this story is that we have to watch a England vs Australia game...again!