T3D1: Tactics

Hallelujah! The Saffers have dropped Lopsy and picked Botha instead! What a good decision! Other than the fact that he did great there is also the point that if Paul Harris can be part of a test team than the new, reformed, finally overcoming the trauma of losing his doosra Botes should DEFINITELY be a part of the Proteas test squad. Plus, I have come to the conclusion that Lopsy is a bit over-rated. Although, I have also come to the conclusion that I am judging him too early.

West Indies too have put some thought into their tactics. Maybe Chris Gayle feels like winning this one, just for kicks. They might as well end on a 'high', as I don't see anything scheduled for months to come.

Dowlin was dropped, thank fucking god! I don't really care about the Windies that much but shit this guy was an embarrassment! They still refused to pick Adrian Bharath  though and picked Dale Richards instead...again! FYI, he also sucks and has a very South African sounding name. Suspicious.

But the biggest tactic used by the Windies was confusion. Rampaul was injured so Sammy came in, much to my delight. But Sammy too succumbed to injury and was replaced by Pascal who looked into Chris Gayle's eyes too early and hence hurt his neck. All of this made way for one Brandon Bess, whose name strangely reminds me of Archie and the gang. I don't know why...

Dale Steyn also changed his tactics by wearing a heinous pair of sunglasses with white frames and having his handkerchief hang below his cap like an Arab Sheik. He looked quite disturbing. Thankfully Kemar Roach stuck to his tactics by being wonderful and fast.

Fidel Edwards and Jerome Taylor also stuck to their tactics by being injured and absent, which made me very upset. How long do we have to wait to see Morkel & Steyn go up against Edwards & Taylor?

West Indies Losers XI

I think it's time to infest West Indies with players who are not West Indian. Why? Do you even need to ask that question?

The real question is, where should we import these players from? I say we get perennial losers from any cricket playing country and make them Honourary West Indian citizens like Herschelle Gibbs and Michael Hayden. Then make them play for the team. I can garauntee you that this lot will win more games than the current bunch.

So without further ado, I give you the West Indies Losers XI:

1) Darren Sammy: He's not really a loser. In fact, with that face and that fearless attitude, he is always a winner in my books, but he is also a good leader of losers as proven by his current efforts. Sammy is really the only West Indian trying to win any matches for his stupid maroon team.

2) Dwayne Bravo: See above.

3) Nathan Bracken: Poor guy is a loser by association, with Cricket Australia that is. Any other team in the world would have ignored his Keira Knightley look and put the bugger in their test team. But not Cricket Australia. They would rather keep him hanging till he fades away. They would also rather pay for Brett Lee's numerous injuries. Brave Nathan continues to look for new opportunities and then the doctors tell him he needs another operation on his knee! Loser's luck indeed.

4) Imran Nazir: What high hopes one had for this lovely opener, although the same can be said for most Pakistani cricketers. Regardless, Imran had the agression, the cover drive and the fielding to be a regular in the team. But then he played  a couple of tests...and now he is just a 28 years old with a double chin who is only called for the national side as an afterthought.

5) Monty Panesar: In order to feel bad for Monty, I need to make space in my heart by getting out my real feelings for him...BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I find his situation wonderfully funny. Yet another promising English bowler replaced the minute he hits bad form. He too is 28 with a double chin, but these days with Swann (UGH!) and numerous other young spinners in the horizon, poor ol' Monty isn't even an afterthought. Again, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

6) Dinesh Karthik: Who likes Dinesh Karthik? Do you like Dinesh Karthik? Do I like Dinesh Karthik? Does Dinesh Karthik's mother like Dinesh Karthik? See, I've mentioned his name one too many times and your face is already taking a disapproving shape. He is everywhere: keeping, a batting, fielding, captaining, preventing Sachin from getting a century...but it gets him nowhere. He's just one of those losers that we know is in his rightful place and refuse to let him leave LoserVille. May his lifetime membership continue, in maroon, doing a little bit of everything with the Windies.

7) Ireland: Pick any player, they have all been forced to live in LoserVille, sadly. They do not belong there at all and I for one would like to see them storm the ICC headquarters, confiscate all their adult diapers and threaten to shred them into pieces unless they receive a test status.

8) Martin Guptill: Why the fuck this person got any sort of nomination and recognition is beyond me. He has played in 30 ODI's and has a stunning average of 36.46. He's scored 948 runs so far...122 of them came in the SAME GAME. We will pardon him for his equally woeful test average because he's played in only 11 of them but what's all the hype about? Till I see it Martin darling, you are a loser.

9) Lance Klusener: How this breaks my heart! How it kills me! I feel like dolling up and doing a full Elizabeth Taylor-esque tragic scene when I hear his name. He got shafted by a BUFFALO! Sure, he was in crap form during that period but he was dropped because the young captain, who hadn't even secured a spot in the team, thought Zulu was disruptive and a bad influence. He never returned. He is a loser purely because of circumstances.

10) Mohammad Ashraful: Please don't ask and please don't defend him. If you would like to defend him, your team can have him.

11) Shane Watson: Because no losers team is complete without him.

Give the win to West Indies

The Saffers batte(d) brilli(a)ntly, the(r)e is no doubt about that. The top o(r)d(e)r is fi(n)ally making me smile again.

Although, Ha(s)h's brilli(a)nt batting (m)akes (m)e want to punch the selectors in the face, I am going to put a restraining order on m(y)self. I am just happy that they are winning.

(D)(a)ve Mille(r) (r)(e)mi(n)d(s) me of (a) young AB, although let's not ju(m)p on that bandwagon yet. It's only his first series. I a(m) slightl(y) concerne(d) however, (a)bout what this means for Albie. If Alvi(r)o and Dave a(r)(e) firi(n)g it up, I fear Albie is going to be left out of the squad. Yet, I still have high hopes for that man.

JP ha(s) fin(a)lly been dropped, (m)uch to (m)(y) joy. Shut up, he needs it.

I am mo(d)er(a)tely satisfied with the bowling. They a(r)e bowling innume(r)ous wid(e)s. Maybe the heat is making them halluci(n)ate, maybe I am ju(s)t missing the bigger picture, m(a)ybe I a(m) being too picky. Actually fuck that. Fro(m) two matches, the(y) have 18 wi(d)es comp(a)(r)ed to West Indies' 12. That's an a(r)(e)a of concer(n). Lop(s)y is (a)lso an area of concern. Honey, when you are co(m)peting with Wayne Parnell and Ryan McLaren, I would say what you are doing in this series is (m)aking sure (y)ou never get picke(d), ever (a)gain. Thankfully, Johan Botha in the othe(r) end is b(r)inging a lot of joy in my life. Saff(e)rs may have a spi(n)ner...I can hardly believe it! No, I won't believe it till you come smack me. Easy now, you will have to fly to Canada first.

I can happily overlook the fielding mishap(s) bec(a)use (m)ost of the(m) were made by m(y) favourite Buffalo. Who cares about misfiel(d)s when you c(a)n happily make jokes and stick it into his big chin. I have also just (r)ealized that he can loose as much weight as he wants, his head will (r)(e)mai(n) gigantic. Meaning, more ammo for me. Life is indeed very good and shallow.

But ye(s), despite (a)ll this, let West Indies have this win. Not because that will (m)ake this series interesting and not because SA played a(m)azingly well and then nearl(y) lost it. But because of the man who hit (D)(a)le Steyn fo(r) two consecutive sixes and became a beacon of hope in this so(r)ry ass W(e)st India(n) team. The only man in maroon to believe.

I found it only fitting to put his name all over this post. 

Sex sells

It has come to my attention, due to twitter being so quiet and of course the empty grounds, that nobody...and I mean nobody, is watching the SA vs WI series. As a Saffa fan, I find it my moral duty to promote their matches and I am going to use the oldest trick in the book: sex.

I admit that these matches don't have the excitement of an unknown lover like a Virender Sehwag innings, neither do they have Daniel Vettori. But this is what they do have:

-Dale Steyn's yorkers. I have certified it as the sexiest thing in cricket right now. Standard Bank Cricket agreed.

-AB de Villiers crouching. Let's just leave it at that.

-Dale Steyn and Kieron Pollard, two very angry powerful men, pushed and shoved a little bit during the T20's. The fight may continue. Now, this may not become a catfight, nor will they suddenly engage in amorous activities while fighting, but that can only be a good thing right?

-Darren Sammy and Jerome Taylor...bowling fast, deadly blows that have the capacity to flatten little men like JP. You know, just in case you are into these things, this series has it.

Admittedly, this is not a very long list but maybe you guys can add to this by...you guessed it, watching the matches! Don't be cricketed out when SA are finally winning!

Also, if you like my marketing call the WICB and ask them to give me a job.