Apology post

So a while ago, while on vacation, I thought I would post.

I gathered all these materials on the match-fixing scandals. The excuses, the ex-girlfriends coming up with evidence out of the blue, the inter-country war accusations (oh yes, there have been those too) and I was ready to go.

I was unstoppable in my mind. Just like the media, I came up with my own version of their theories. Maybe Veena Malik DID marry Asif who refuses to share the news with the world. And now that Asif has been suspended, she will still stand by her man as the world admire her courage and faith. Together, Asif, Veena and Love will conquer all forthcoming obstacles. Of course this will one day be a movie called "Dear Asif, Love Veena's Notebook". I can already see Nicholas Sparks penning this down.

If this didn't hold any water there is always the backup theory, the one you can't go wrong with. It's a new version of the India-Pakistan battle. India wants to take Pakistan down and what not. I could write elaborately on this too but I am pretty sure at some point you will stop and realize that you have heard it all before.

Honestly, I was going to publish all this crap and cross over to journalism because clearly, you can post anything on the net and call yourself a reporter. 

Fortunately for you and for those who HAVE been publishing this crap on the web, I got brain freeze. I didn't know why. Although, I did spend a good number of the last few days laughing at KP, wondering if Dimitri Mascarenhas is really a cricketer worth mentioning, why anyone would say that Pakistan is improving in ODI's like they are a new team and whether Enrique Iglesias really knew he was performing at a cricket tournament.

All nonsensical thoughts that only added to my brain freeze. Hence, after some intense nerve searching, I realized that the only way to get rid of it was tell you guys. 

Somewhere in there, I am apologizing for being missing in action. No, really.

Barbie apologizes

Dear strange people who don't live in Barbie land,

Why don't you live in Barbie land? Do you hate me? Of course not, look how pretty I am! See, the reason I am asking is because if you lived in Barbie land you would know that I am not a brat, neither spoiled. I am just a lovely, pretty, girl who knows that pouting will get you everything you ever asked for.

That's why when the Umpire rejected my appeal for LBW, I pouted and pouted but it didn't work. So I threw the ball and pretended to throw it at the batsman. I knew it wouldn't have hurt him because I am such a delicate flower. How can a ball thrown by me go faster than a turtle? You know the turtle who won the race? Yes, I go slow like him. But I still win.

Because I am a lovely, pretty little girl who gets whatever she wants. And when I don't, I just misbehave but it's absolutely harmless. I mean, whoever's heard of pouting being of real harm? Plus, the men I play with are big and burly, they can take it!

But I am still going to apologize, because I want you all to come to my tea party. So I will lift my hand at the batsman and pretend it was an accident and later on plead guilty as I hand out invitations to the tea party. They will let me off leniently because I really serve the finest fake tea in all of Barbie land.

This is my apology. It really is. Look at my pretty face, how can I be lying?

(Why does every pic of Broad I come across have the word Boss in them? He tries so hard...)

While I was busy...

Yes, it has happened. I am too busy to watch cricket and what fucking annoys me that all around me, EXCELLENT cricket is being played!

Of course I am exaggerating because the only excellent cricket being played is in the Australia vs Pakistan series where the Aussies are taking no part in the excellence.

Aussies, not a part of excellence.

THAT in itself is EXCELLENT!

And I am missing it.

Pakistan's bowling is also excellent, which is only expected when you have Aamer and Asif in your team.

I am still missing it.

Also, Murali got 800 wickets. I watched till 799...then I got bored. I have a sneaking suspicion that it was more India wanting to give him wickets so that he could end his career on a high.

I kid. Murali is...how shall I put it...'clever in his own way' but India still looked like they were dying to give him wickets didn't they? Maybe they have "bring Lalit back" parties to go to.

Lastly, after their comeback against Ireland (fucking hell!) Bangladesh lost to Netherlands.

I am actually glad that I missed that. You should be too, otherwise you would have had to read yet another article on how Bangladesh have disappointed me. What is the point?

The point is, I am busy and I am missing cricket.
I hate it.

Memories: Bangladesh vs Pakistan '99

This is a new series that I might start, when I have shit all to write about and the brain is not coming up with anything clever. Not that it does in general.

Anyway, before this epic match our first ever World Cup campaign was pretty much as expected- a nice ass-whooping. We were only there to be beaten, although we did win one against Scotland. I mean, our captain was too old and our 'star' player was too fat. Hence you can see why never in our wildest dreams had we ever imagined that Bangladesh would achieve something very special in their first ever World Cup.

I must admit that I had very little interest in the game, meaning I fleetingly watched Bangladesh bat. Both the games on that day (New Zealand vs Scotland was the other) would have not even the slightest influence on the tournament.

Other than humiliation for Pakistan.

When Pakistan was three down for 26 runs, a friend called to swear at me for not watching the match. I screamed and ran to turn on the t.v. and from what I recall, alarmed my family who thought I had either died or discovered gold in the house. That's when Inzamam fell to Khaled Mahmud and Geoffrey Boycott uttered some of my favourite words in commentary history,

"Look how short he is! But it doesn't matter because shorty's on fire!"

Just then, as a bloody anti-climax, we had a blackout. Frustrated, I went to sit on my front yard. I am pretty sure that people around the area showed up/called the hydro company and threatened to electrocute them because the power failures usually lasted about a good hour. Instead, it came back within twenty minutes. I was feeling lazy, so decided to hang out in my front yard for a few more minutes but had to run back as my I heard my neighbours scream their heads off.

Pakistan were five down.

The rest of the wickets went by very fast and I have very little recollection of them, other than intense happiness. But what felt even more amazing was the sure knowledge that my team was going to win against the stalwarts, as we waited for Saqlain Mushtaq's run out decision (he was the last wicket to fall). Bangladesh partied for a week. We had not progressed but had surely earned respect. Plus, it was a very emotional victory which you will only understand if you know the history of Bangladesh and how it was born. But I'm not going to get into that right now.

Sometime later, as match-fixing allegations unfolded, most were sure that this match was definitely fixed (I can't recall if anybody was actually found guilty), since there was no way in hell a team like Pakistan was going to lose to Bangladesh. To which I say...just stay tuned for more of my memories from Bangladesh cricket.

Why I should be captain of Pakistan

Not all of this is true, but when the person who will be overseeing my reasons goes by the name of Butt, truth and lies are irrelevant. It's all about getting the job now and getting banned later.
Also, if you can correctly guess which Pakistani captains I am talking about you get something special.
I lie, you get nothing special.
You can't ban me either.

1) I have hair, lots of it. Some have suggested I should do laser hair removal on my head.

2) I have seen Clueless 50 times and totally identify with Alicia Silverstone, which essentially mean there is not much difference between me and Mohammad Yousuf.

3) I make my boyfriends on MSN. Some are from countries I have never even heard of but fear not, I have met all of them over lovely webcam dinners.

4) I was regarded highly as the class drama queen and my teachers would put up with anything I did.

5) I am willing to change my religion to be the captain of Pakistan.

6) I have five 'different' versions of the same speech. Like boys did well, boys did not do well, boys tried to do well, boys did very well and my favourite: boys did well.

7) I can keep wicket. More of us should be captains, if you ask me.

8) I have a nose.

9) I have a temper and I do not hesitate to use it.

10) Because everybody gets to captain Pakistan.

I didn't know that...

1) I dislike the Poms and the Pakistanis more than I dislike Australia. Otherwise today's win wouldn't have given me so much joy. It could also be that this was by far the best fucking game in the whole tournament though.

2) I want to own Shane Watson and hit him again and again, just to see THAT look on his face. I would invite all of you over as well for some dinner, drinks and then a game of smack the Lollipop Boy.

3) I don't like it when Michael Clarke plays T20, let alone captain a side.

4) Highlights could look so ghastly on anybody.

5) I am also one of those that never write Australia off till the game is done. I don't write Pakistan off either...off a loss that is.

6) Captains always don't need to lead from the front for the team to go through to the finals. Puppy and Colly have been in piss poor form, but taking all the credit. Specially Puppy boy. Fuck right off, you didn't do shit for your team!

7) Saffers are actually missing a lot of things from their side: a match-winner, a gutsy player, players that can turn things around for them at the blink of an eye, players that can play Ajmal...okay, I forgive them for the last one.

8) A team losing from a winning situation year after year, could still keep us entertained using the exact same tactics- cumulative brain loss.

Things that make me cry

1) This thing with its tongue sticking out, getting one of my favourite assassin's wicket. Looks like he stuck out his tongue and swallowed Dilshan's mojo, like a frog.

2) A malnourished Paul Collingwood. Methinks Collyniggle told his boys that he is going on a hunger strike till England win the cup, to make up for all the shit they put him through last year. Interestingly, have you seen how people are ignoring his poor form because the team is winning? And of course, all the criticisms from last year have turned into praise.

3) A full-frontal of Barbie. It's not that she is naked, but her face is never clothed you know. Also Barbie getting her line and length right and picking up the Man-of-the-match award makes me cry. What the fuck's up with that?

4) Every team I support losing. I was going for Sri Lanka once the Saffers left. I don't have a single team left!

5) England winning....this cannot be HAPPENING! Why God why?! I think I am being punished for my cruel deeds, which really consists of hating on certain cricketers and injuring others. That's not so bad is it? On top of that, I now have to rely on either the Aussies or the Pakistanis of all teams to ensure that the English lose.

I don't like either of these teams.

Yes, I am being punished, which is NOT fair because I am a very nice person. I am!

Sequels always disappoint anyway

Last year, the match between Pakistan and South Africa was one that people were looking forward to. Everybody wanted to know if the Saffers were going to choke or finally make it to the finals of an ICC tournament. If they were going to choke it was going to be good comedy, if not then it was going to be good comedy as well...considering the other team was Pakistan and the events that usually unfold after almost all their tournament exits. Either way, it was a game we were going to enjoy and we knew it.

Saffers lost, people laughed and eventually Pakistan went to win the World Cup. High drama, tension, crazy Afridi moments, unpredictability and even a heroic attempt from Jacques Kallis. All the characteristics of the perfect summer blockbuster.

This year when the sequel inevitably came out, people were at two-minds about it. Neither the Saffers nor the Pakistanis were in form. Both teams were missing the point (the point being winning helps), both teams were being captained by unimaginative, hairy people but both teams were in a do or die situation. Saffers were slightly on top, as winning the match would at least give them a fighting chance regardless of who won the next one. Pakistanis needed to win AND have England win theirs.

Too many ifs, buts and whatevers. Too many players acting like they were auditioning for matches, rather than playing it. Too much green.

But people still hoped for a good match. Some were sure Pakistan was going to own SA again, others thought even a stuttering SA was too good for them. Yet others thought, why try to beat Pakistan when Pakistan can beat themselves?

Pakistan won the toss and batted first, like last time. They even started terribly. Then they consolidated and eventually reached a respectable score. The match was different, yet there was some familiar bits and pieces. Only, Botha didn't bowl like a dodo bird (ROFL replaced him) and Charl played Parnie's role, but better. Overall, the Saffers did more than okay with the ball, despite Umar Akmal trying to fluoroscent his way through the attack.

Then the chasing began and here was the difference between last summer's blockbuster and the sequel. Within the year Saffers had forgotten how to bat, specially their top three. AB replaced Jakes as this summer's hero; he even swore. But then, like every Saffa batsman these days, he got out the minute he started to clear the boundary. To the 'shitscoop' too. At least that's what Dilshan seems to have taught him.

JP got out before someone could blame him for slowing down his team again and the Saffers fell to yet another spinner, only it was Saeed Ajmal. Ultimately they lost and people happily called them chokers despite the fact that they have been doing the exact same thing in limited overs for about seven months now.

Yes, the differences had a familiar tone in this sequel. Hence, the changes didn't work, nobody was super excited and the match was not a blockbuster. Specially if you are a Saffa fan. But then the Kiwi-England match happened and people could happily forget the disappointing sequel.

Now the unpredictable Pakistanis are in the semis and still have a chance to retain their cup. If that happens, then there is sure to be a third part to this story, which will be even worse.

Remember the Matrix Revolutions?

Question of the day

Why didn't Mahmudullah bowl today?

Possible answers:

1) Mashrafe is actually captaining today's game

2) He isn't in Shakib's fantasy cricket XI

3) Ashraful said, "I am T20 National Cricket League's highest wicket-taker, what about you?" and Mahmudullah slumped into depression

4) Actually, Afridi is captaining Bangladesh today

To Bangladesh, with love

I'm getting slightly emo about tomorrow's game. Maybe it's because Bangladesh is back at the place where they sent India packing three years ago, and beat South Africa while they were at it. Although I don't think they are going to achieve something wonderful this time around as well, just because they are in the Caribbean playing a world cup again...a little part of me is hoping for that miracle.

Hence this video. It was made for the team during the 2007 World Cup. I love this video because a) it's on cricket b) it shows Bangladesh from a different perspective, one where the people are not dying, crying or engaging in corruption. Sadly, the bad things that you guys constantly hear about the country exists as well, but I thought it would be nice to see a different side to the place, for a change.

C'mon Bangladesh! It's Pakistan in a World Cup. We have been there before..and won! Let's have a repeat of that win tomorrow!

This excitement and hope is genuine. I promise!

Crashraful inches his way in again

The Bangladesh squad for WC T20 has been announced:

Shakib Al Hasan (capt), Mushfiqur Rahim (vice-capt/wk), Tamim Iqbal, Imrul Kayes, Mohammad Ashraful, Aftab Ahmed, Mahmudullah, Naeem Islam, Mashrafe Mortaza, Abdur Razzak, Shafiul Islam, Rubel Hossain, Syed Rasel, Suhrawadi Shuvo, Jahurul Islam (wk)

I would bitch and moan about the return of the midget monstrosity but I get the feeling no matter which team we pick, we have already lost it. In fact, I can predict the loss now.

We are playing Australia and Pakistan. This may be T20 and unpredictive but with Ricky no longer captaining Ozland and Shahid Afridi finally getting the position he has been vying for, I doubt we can do anything to win our matches. So I guess Raful can play. Probably in place of Kayes.

At least Mashrafe is back to bowl his stunning deliveries during the death overs. You know the ones that go so far over the boundary you need binoculars to spot them? Yeah those. Good times ahead!

Respect is what's missing

In the light of Mohammad Yousuf's retirement, I am attempting to be a little serious. Just the right amount, no less, no more.

The only thing you can hold against Yousuf is the fact that he made an emotional decision. Of course he made an emotional decision! And he has every right to because guess what? Sports is probably one of the most emotional concepts in society. And most of those who sit on the boards have no idea how it feels when you can move big, burly men to tears just by doing something you love. So don't judge Yousuf. It's a big decision to take on the dreams of so many fans around the world. And then to tell them that you won't be doing it anymore because your bosses don't know how to keep their shit together.

PCB disrespected Yousuf by banning him. He tried to bring the team together following Younis' rash decision, but couldn't. He couldn't because players in the camp realized that they could do whatever the fuck they want and get away with it, like little brats. They realized it because Younis quit. Younis quit because nobody from the PCB stepped in when all this stupid politics was going on.

I'm not trying to trace it back to the PCB and blame everything on them, although I don't think anyone will disagree with me if I did. The real problem here is not some individual or the board, but the attitude. PCB don't respect their players enough, the players don't respect the officials...I doubt they even respect each other. How the hell do you expect to have a functional team?

They treat each other like shit and point the finger wherever the finger bends. And I applaud Youhana for not wanting to be a part of this mess. Yes, it's an emotional decision. But the emotions stem from the fact that almost everyone involved in Pakistan cricket are a bunch of jokers and nobody bans them for being disrespectul, mindless, random and of course never doing their job properly.

As for him serving Pakistan, well why don't you first talk to those fuckers who are in the team and would rather do politics than play honestly? As opposed to barraging the person who probably did give his all for his team all these years.

Yousuf may be running, but those who are critizing him, aren't doing much to fix the lack of respect. So let him run.

Quote Unquote

From Crapinfo:

"No I was just trying to smell it, how it is feeling"

-Shahid Afridi's initial response when asked by ABC whether he was trying to bite the ball

Cricket Minded has contacted the ball, just out of curiosity, and the ball responded that at the time of the biting he was feeling slightly tensed and knotty. The bite released his pressure and he was getting ready to swing both ways. But then he was put back in the box, where he cried himself to sleep. Shahid Afridi owes the ball an apology for tantalizing him with his teeth and then getting him replaced.

From Crapinfo: 

"Perhaps he didn't appreciate the lunch he was given in Australia" 

-Graeme Smith on Shahid Afridi's ball-gnawing act which resulted in a two-match ban

Cricket Minded also asked Biff to clarify his statement. This, by no means is an attack on the culinary skills of Australians or the kitchen staff during South Africa's tour of Ozland. He was merely trying to say that he really is the best person to know about the food being served, as he ate most of it during their visit. Rumour has it that Biff stuffed a ton of vegemites in the trophy to take some home, but he did not confirm or deny these allegations. We found it our duty to let him know about the higher number of people who are below the poverty line in India, in the hopes that he won't leave the country in a drought. We would also like to offer the Indians an E-collar, just in case. 

What about the invader?

As expected, I see posts after posts on Afridi everywhere. But spare some love for the pitch invader guys. It's been so long since we have had one. Roy shoulder slamming one into the ground is the last incident that comes to mind. I must point out that Roy is one secure man. You would have to be, if you suddenly decided to come in physical contact with a naked guy.

Apparently the pitch invader has been banned for life. I am very, very upset. I mean c'mon! All he wanted to do was give Khalid Latif a hug. He must be so shattered that the Pakistan U-19 team lost to the Aussies in the recent world cup. Latif was the captain of the winning Pakistan side a few years ago after all. Then you have the IPL snubs, the constant drama and not one captain that can live upto their title. It must be exhausting to be a Pakistani cricketer. All he did was recognize their pain and tried to make it go away.

Aah look, Khalid didn't mind. He didn't mind at all.

 

The security guards were upset because this guy made them run when they could have used that time to down beers and donuts. That's the only reason they pressed charges against him. Spiteful!

Oh well, at least he got groped by four men in return.

 

Because Newton didn't eat the apple

Think about it. If Newton had just looked at the bloody apple and thought "Oooh food", generations of poor students wouldn't have had to go through the torture of learning about gravity. Including me.

Shahid Afridi bit the bloody ball. Now instead of ruining their brains with big text books, generations of physics students will go on youtube to watch the video and feel better about their small brains.

Microbiology students will write their theses on the number of bacteria, fungi and virus that now reside inside Afridi's mouth in a complex symbiotic relationship that may or may not give rise to a whole new class of microorganisms. Some of them flesh eating.

Most importantly, the next generation of Pakistanti cricket players will be inspired to come up with innovative ideas to tamper with the ball. Afridi merely took the brave fall of the first try. Others will learn from this and succeed. Maybe rub the ball against their stuble or sneez into it to give it shine.

So why make fun of the guy who bit into something red and round in clear sight of the whole world, to give us many happy hours? No, no, no. Mourn that Newton didn't do the same.

Ageless Afridi

My mother, who has no interest in cricket whatsoever, suddenly noticed Shahid Afridi on television today and was amazed that he was still playing. She knows Afridi because when I was young, older girls were crazy about him. Don't ask me why. I never saw what they saw, neither did my mother.

But she did know that Afridi should be of an age of partial retirement, if not completely gone from cricket. So I looked up his age, very sure that he was at least 32. But apparently, the man hasn't even hit his 30's yet. Mesmerized, I did a quick calculation.

When I was nine, Shahid Afridi was seventeen.
When I was ten, Afridi was seventeen.
And when I was eleven, Afridi was still seventeen.

This is how the eight years difference between us had been reduced to six. But I have some serious doubts about whether he was in fact seventeen the first time, in which case he should be at least 34.

But his body doesn't show it. Not a big surprise there, as he doesn't play tests. Regardless, it's freaking hilarious and such an 'aging woman with layers of makeup in denial' thing to do. At only seventeen too.

He seems to have celebrated his seventeenth birthday three years in a row in an attempt to appear young and play cricket for as long as he can. But then there is the beard in all its Pantene glory, making him look older. So he keeps the numbers low, but the looks wrinkled? Where is he going with this fucked up logic? Enigma? Honey, believe it or not, the world can do math.
Like they can tell you just by looking at your face that you will be bald by the time you are 36, which is in two years if we are to go by your real age. Then people will just call you a 32 year old baldy. Didn't think this through did you Boom Boom?

Needless to say Imran Khan is not pleased with Afridi's ageist behaviour.

Gangsta Yousuf

You have to give it to Pakistan. They never fuck up their performance. The arrive, they slam the ball all over the place, show some promise of patience and then duly collapse. It's like the perfect circus act, only better because each time the batting order finds new ways to entertain the audience.

You know the collapse is coming, but what keeps you interested is how the collapse is coming. Will it be match-fixing? Will it be a rebellion against their captain? Or will it be a simple case of stupidity? They can do it all and more.

Like today, Salman decided to signal 'no run' to Yousuf who had his back to him, instead of screaming it out. I am very tempted to make a butt-to-butt connection joke here, but I am afraid that is just too lame. Even for me. Yousuf got run out and gave Salman a look. A look that inspired the title of this post.

If I had been a commentator on this match I would have done that thing where you go inside a player's head without a magic wand and say what they are thinking. It would have gone like this:

Yousuf: Imma fuck up your life boi. You just watch, your opening days are over.

Salman: How much money will I make if I sell his beard on Ebay? Maybe I should sell it by pound. (Makes a face that looks sheepish but is actually calculating in his mind) If 1 pound is marked for 100PKR...how many pounds does that beard weigh? 5? 10? Where is Yousuf going?

Yousuf: You fucking piece of shit. Imma burn your house down, Imma give you a wedgy...Imma flush your face down the toilet.

Then Salman does the same to Umar. Umar doesn't have a gangsta look, so it's not worth going inside his head. But honestly, why do the Pakistanis have to make the same mistake multiple times before learning their lesson?

Of course Australia is not far behind. Michael Clarke's 'let's leave the ball that will hit the wicket' style outs never fail to amuse me. 166 great runs and then this? Pup, Pup, Pup!

Then of course there is Mitchell Johnson, who continues to bowl pies. Keep it up son. We'll just use them to feed hungry people.

Drop 'em

Michael Hussey needed to be dropped four times before Pakistan paid for it. How many times do you think Ricky Ponting needs to be dropped for the same thing to happen?

I am guessing one. Which has already happened.

Why? Why should Pakistan take any of the catches when they can look like Jennifer Lopez with a reduced ass? The breeze, the hair over the face, the drops...that's the way to make it big folks. That's how people notice you.

FUCK AAMER! Wear your headband! Screw JLo and bring your inner Richard Simmons out! Or maybe just get a haircut? If it isn't against your moral principles.

While you are at it Pakistan, it would also be nice if you didn't act out parts of 'Three Blind Mice' when you are on the field.

That one at the back is even equipped with sunglasses. They are very dedicated to their drops, these Pakistanis.

Smile Kamran

Kamran Akmal is a grouchy individual. He never smiles when he scores big. He didn't even smile on his wedding day.

Today, he dropped four catches for Pakistan. Needless to say his grouchy face became even grouchier. It was almost computerized. The face fell with each drop, little by little.

The question is how much can it really drop? It is a big ball of sulk to begin with. Can it drop till his neck? Maybe till his waist.

He just lost his wicket.

Maybe till his knees.

If Pakistan lose this PCB will investigate him and Younis Khan will say that it's Kamran's way of telling Yousuf that he shouldn't captain Pakistan. Then he will never smile for sure.

Maybe it will drop till his ankles.

That's four drops from the top. Oops!

Watson is on 78

C'mon Pakistan! You can do it!

Watto your hair is nasty. Go back to the change room and fix that shit.

Preferably when you are on 99.