Warning: Jacques Kallis adulation post

"We choked them", said Jayasuriya, after the Boxing day test. Of course whenever SA loses, no matter in what manner, it's always choking. 252 runs- choking, 10 wickets-choking, loss because of massive failure in all departments- choking.

So Kallis, who got a stunning pair in that test, turned around. It was his 150th test and you know Kallis has that annoying habit? What is it? Yeah, he is so god damn good that he just turns milestones into other milestones.

The man who chased a double ton for so long, now has two. In a do or die match as well. That registered SA's first win at home since 2008. Yes, it's been a long time and thank god it has ended.

I would have been fucking embarrassed had SL drawn or won against SA at home. SL are lovely, but they have been playing in the subcontinent and going only next door for eons. Don't give me stats, I don't want to hear it. SA should have won this from the start and I'm so glad they did. They should have won the Boxing Day test match too, but we won't mention it.

They now move on to New Zealand, another lovely team. I love them with all their sheep, but let's face it- SA WILL KILL THEM. Yes, they must. It's time SA, it's time to be ruthless hounds.

Vettori is handsome and charming and a fantastic cricketer- but HE MUST BE ANNIHILATED. Chris Martin is too good but what is his empty skull next to Kallis' luscious hair? And all that lovely cricket brain.

Oh Jacques and his lovely cricket brain! I'm so at ease with the rest of the season now that Kallis has had a mammoth start. This will continue; yes this will, for wins in Kiwiland and more importantly ENGLAND. Jacques hasn't peaked, he never peaks. He just stays on top in all his glory. Even when he gets a pair he breaks records soon after. No time to think about his failures, the man is too busy being great. And when Jacques is great, he inspires the rest (for the most part). Poor Graeme though, he comes before Jacques in the batting lineup so he never gets any of his inspirations. But who cares? We got AB, Hash, Alviro (yes Alviro, you can do this!), Bouch and even DALE after JK.

Choke on that bitches.

Breathe Graeme

Dear Graeme,

Let me make this very clear. This letter of concern and advise (yes, you read that right) has very little to do with you. I don't like you and even though I have said it a million times before I feel the need to clarify this in the very beginning. Lest you and the world thinks I am developing a soft spot for you. So once again, I do not like you.

But, now that you cannot solely be responsible for SA's many, many, MANY failures with your unbelievably stupid decisions, I have come to terms with the fact that the team does in fact need you. You are an opener, and a good opener at that. Once upon a time you used to be borderline great, but obviously you have declined since then. I don't blame you. Captaining SA, getting fat, taking in people's hate, batting- all very tiring. No matter how much of a multitasker you are.

In hindsight, you weren't a terrible captain. I know I make you sound like an abomination, but you did fine as per your capabilities. Yeah, that's a compliment. Take it.

But in hindsight, you are turning out to be a terrible batsman. And that's a tagline I never thought I'd give you. Because you aren't a terrible batsman. In fact, it's the one thing you ARE good at. Opening the batting for South Africa. And considering SA's past openers have been Gary Kirsten, Daryl Cullinan, Herschelle Gibbs etc. that wasn't an easy position to fill. But you did fine for a while. Then obviously, the captaincy took precedence and now you are 30 and may not be able to bat like you used to.

It's scary for us too. Till date, I have yet to see an opener that can replace Herschelle Gibbs which means your other end, is still empty. This also means, a lot of the responsibilities lie on your shoulders. You are no stranger to responsibilities, but I would assume this one's personal. I mean, this one is about you and your forte. And to be honest, it's been bitterly disappointing us for a while now.

So breathe. Age and other distractions sadly took one of SA's great opening batsman. Gibbs, never recovered to achieve what he was meant to achieve. You still have time, or so I would like to think. SA isn't ready to lose another solid opener. Not till Prince becomes a regular (IF he becomes a regular) and Gary Kirsten has figured out where AB should play (god dammit, will you pick a spot already!). Or till they think Rudolph needs to start to represent the Proteas. Seriously! What does a guy have to do?

Finally, let me remind you that I do not like you. But breathe and get your shit together.

Thank you finger injury

So far life is sweet. AB the injured has been replaced by Hashim the bearded as captain. Good call Hudson, good call.

Of course it is pure coincidence. Believe me, for once, I had nothing to do with AB's injury. I thought about it once or twice, but even my powers aren't that great...yet.

Just in case you weren't following the news (shame on me for not keeping you up to date), following the glorious stepping down of Graeme the buffalo as ODI and T20 captain, AB was named as his replacement. Based on what? Does AB inspire his team-mates? Does he understand field placing? Does it even look like he understands anything other than batting and maybe wicket-keeping. Just maybe.

He is not that experienced. Neither is Amla for that matter. At least not internationally. But I would say of the two Amla is a better choice. Just for a second forget about the fact that Amla has skippered his local teams and the Proteas U19. Look at them as individuals.

Amla hangs back. He is quiet. He absorbs so much most people dismiss him as a negligible entity. Then he strikes.
AB jumps around. He talks too much. He always has to be the centre of attention. The star. The one everyone is sure to notice first and bank on.

This is not to say that only a certain type of individuals make good captains. Fleming and Vettori were the stars of their teams and they did just fine. More than fine. However, when you are more the "backroom guy" as Amla claims to be, most likely, you have a certain introspective capability that will propel your team to be the star. Specially when that team consists of a Steyn, a Kallis, a Duminy, a Smith (now, now, let's show him some love for his batting abilities), a Boucher (YAY!) and a Parnell.

Not a bad list of players to have under your belt.

Yes, Amla is a better choice. Because sometimes, the backroom guy is exactly what a team with great potential (and one measly international trophy...) needs. Someone who pulls the strings quietly and makes great things happen. No flamboyance and no singing.  

Twelve days to go..

Time for another SA vs Aus series. I've been waiting for this since...well, the last SA vs Aus series. Nothing and I mean NOTHING, makes me happier.

Dale Steyn and Mitchell Johnson will snarl and swear.

Ricky will want to repeat what was apparently his proudest moment as captain- a series victory in South Africa with his new, young, moderately talented team. 

Morne will seek revenge. He took a LOT of heat from the Aussies last time. Deservedly so. He was a bitter disappointment.

ALLAN DONALD and GARY KIRSTEN are back, in a different capacity. They haven't tasted a victory against the Aussies as Proteas in AGES. 

AB is injured and out.

The Proteas haven't played since the last ice age.

The Aussies have only beaten Sri Lanka in recent times. I don't even know if we should call Sri Lanka a team anymore. They have so many players, it's like an exchange student focus group. People come, share their stories and leave. No one stays long enough to form a solid foundation.

But that's not my problem right now. This series has all the makings of a true thriller.

All I want from this series is for Dale to knock someone out, Mitchell to have many different hairstyles, a comeback by Mark Boucher, Twatto's tears, Ricky spitting on Pup and a South African victory.

But really, I'll just settle for some good cricket. Talent vs talent, attitude vs attitude, brilliant strategies from Graeme Smith and Michael Clarke.

Okay, I'll take two out of three. It's not like I have a choice.

The beginning

Right, World Cup time. Meaning time to get off my lazy ass and actually start blogging. Will only last till the semis anyway.

Yes, I did just say that. I have done much soul searching during my absence and have realized that sometimes being negative actually attracts negative results. And when you support Bangladesh and South Africa, even positive thinking, brings negative results. Put the two together and you have two negatives cancelling each other out to bring a big, yellow, positive smiley face. Much like AB's hair (I swear it knows how to smile).

So here we go, a new beginning for the blog with the same old but slightly modified negativity and a big bag of love for Bangladesh and South Africa. It only makes sense that I put a video of Bangladesh's victory against Kenya in the ICC trophy, which allowed them to play their first ever World Cup (where we beat Pakistan...muhahaha). I think I mentioned it somewhere before and as you can see, I got the details quite wrong. The six I recall being hit was earlier in the over and although it WAS our bowler who made the winning runs, it came off a single- the most famous single in the history of Bangladesh cricket. Yes, it is that dramatic. See it for yourself.

P.s- the video quality is shit. What did you expect? This was before Paris Hilton showed us what you can do with a camera.

Happy Holidays!

Just in case the holidays don't bring a lot of laughter and joy in your life, I put a picture that surely will.

What is up with Graeme's face?

And when will AB stop wearing white?

Save me

For I am cricket deprived.

So grave is my situation that just the other day, as I read the headlines on CP 24, I saw that English bowler Graeme Swann had cited the immediate need to rescue a cat in distress as the reason for his drunk driving. Obviously, seeing as this was a Canadian news channel, I thought I was hallucinating. Turns out Swannyg66 is indeed a chivalrious Puss in Boots and THIS is the news that the Canadians thought should go up on their headlines. Not Afridi boom booming all over the place, not Dhoni's sudden wedding, not even AB's CD release.

Cricket will never be taken seriously in this country.

Speaking of seriously, I am also so cricket deprived that I am seriously considering buying AB's album. Apparently, his songs are about cricket, inspiration, positivity, winning, dreams and everything that teenagers will scream and die for. Why AB wastes his time playing cricket, I don't understand. Surely, he should at least consider filling that 5th Backstreet Boy spot that's empty right now? That way, when my cricket deprivation has driven me to a permanent state of mental instability, I will be listening to 'songs' written by the Backstreet Boys on cricket. You know like: 'Quit dropping catches off my bowling', 'Larger than Jakes', 'I want Graeme that way...'.

Seriously, save me.

And while you are saving me, can you save Bangladesh cricket as well? I hear Crashraful is in the squad for the New Zealand tour...

Tweetin' Dale

It's true and although it's not twitterified yet, his girlfriend and AB have already verified that it is him.

So far, he has told us that he had to hold his pee while Hashim Amla picked up his numerous awards, called AB a spider, used the word 'fuck' under disguise (please!) and informed us that somebody called Panjo is in his bathroom. I can only hope Panjo is his dog, otherwise this can go under one those articles titled 'Twitter fail: how I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me'.

He is slightly demented and funny, as I had pictured him to be, and may just give Mark Boucher and Herschelle Gibbs good competition on Twitterville. So far, Mark B is clearly leading, as he responds to people and has epic 'fights' with Mrs. Neil McKenzie. He also puts up pictures of people vomiting. It's gross but it sure beats the generic, boring, feel good one liners that the other Saffers come up with.

I hope together, Dale and Mark break the pattern. I also hope that Dale doesn't take his Blackberry to the bathroom every time he uses it, so we can get a complete taste of Dale Steyn: exposed. No pun intended.

And now, as this post is becoming infamous for its series of bad titles, and because this other news is not really worthy of a separate post, from today onwards Wayne Parnell will be legally allowed to buy alcohol all over the world. While I do wish him many happy returns of the day I really just want him to return to cricket ASAP.

The same goes for his team mates.

T3D4: Roach problem

Okay, bad title, but honestly I couldn't be bothered to put so much thought into this. The Windies sure didn't. I thought Sulieman Benn was just being annoying. But turns out there are more than one West Indian who think it is uber cool to be all in your face and vocal when the series has already been lost. Sure the Saffers stupidly lost three wickets (what was THAT all about?), but seriously, whatever could Kemar Roach have said to Jakes in such a situation?

Roach: You stupid fatty, you think you've won the series?
Kallis: Actually we have, so why don't you just go and pretend to bowl well?
Roach: You think you are cool hammering us around and having a successful tour? Well let me tell you, there's no dignity in beating us. We suck!

Of course once again, I like both the parties involved. Kemar HAS the bowling talent to accompany his gangster attitude, he just needs to learn when to use it. And let's not get into Jacques Kallis or this post will never end.

But I still am curious as to why the Windies were behaving this way? What did they get out of it other than some hugs from AB de Villiers? (that boy will use any excuse to touch somebody)
Kallis, being the bigger man that he is (literally and figuratively, he could smash Kemar's face into flat bread anytime) sought him out to shake hands with him after...and the Roach continued to sledge him! It was kind of like trying to tell someone who dumped you that you don't think you should see each other any more i.e. pathetic.

Sulieman Benn continued to be in the picture, slyly walked passed Dale Steyn so as to not shake hands with him. Dale Steyn then received the honour of being the Man-of-the-Series and had his entire match fee taken away.

As expected everyone involved tried to downplay the situation.

Men are even more stupid than I thought.

T3D2: I think oh dear isn't too dramatic

No, it's not too dramatic at all. They recovered, lost wickets, recovered and lost wickets again. Benn is being friggin' awesome and in case you haven't realized this yet, the Saffers WILL be batting last.

Why Hashim Amla is feeling the urge to be generous to spinners is beyond me. And fuck, if Paul Harris comes down as nightwatchman one more time, I am going to scream! Sure he survives the night, but then he gives his wicket promptly away the next day, like his bloody job is done. How about batting a little Paul? And if you can't, how about NOT sending him out for like half an hour the night before so he can leave on time for his ritualistic nap after breakfast. I mean what the fuck! Jacques Kallis and AB de Villiers are good enough to survive the night and bat for longer the next day. And If you absolutely HAVE to sacrifice somebody send Ashy P! Even though he is a Saffa and not Graeme Smith, I strangely have very little affection for him.

He did do well today though, him and his pal AB. The Saffers are still 6 down, with a lead of only 54. They need to make about 350 more methinks which means Bouchy and Ashy will both have to get hundreds. Or Dale will have to muster up another 86 if Ashy P decides that yet again, a fifty is all he needs to prove his worth as a batsman. With Benn determined to have his claws dug into the Saffers and the pitch turning and bouncing, I don't think that will be happening.

I don't understand why Cricinfo thinks the Saffers have edged ahead. Somebody please explain.

T2D5: Planned assassination

During the course of this final day several people died. Some may have chosen to end their life, others died of natural boredom, but most died while trying out some dangerous sports to see if they could still feel excitement.

The Saffers and Windies would be held responsible for this mass murders except the people mentioned above didn't actually watch the game, they died just hearing about it.

Sulieman Benn let us know through twitter that he was glad that it was over. AB de Villiers ignored it completely and talked about Bafana Bafana. He may have mentioned that it was a long day somewhere but I wasn't interested. It was a long day for me too, as I caught a full five minutes of the game. My favourite part was the first three minutes of those five when it was lunch time and I stared at a footage of the pitch with people walking around.

Secretly, I commend these two teams' ability to focus and concentrate through such a day. But secrets must be kept to oneself, so I won't.

Just in case you were holding your breath, it was an exciting draw. I know, what a shocker!

T2D2: Attack of the toilet paper

I thought that the highest level of boredom had been reached during Trott's 200 against Bangladesh. I was wrong. Boredom had such a strong hold on every minute of this test, that even the players got bored.

Smithy set his eyes on 200 and then realized that even a double wasn't worth the torture. Kallis did the same. Most will say that it was the 200 that evaded him, but we say that he evaded the 200. Because he is Jacques Kallis and he can.

Then AB took control of the situation. Not only the cricket, the entertainment part too. AB is a born entertainer, he can play the guitar and everything. It was his time to shine, his time to provide the highlight of the day. He brought up his hundred with a beautiful four and a even more stunning six. But that wasn't enough to make people happy. So AB went to the toilet.

Everybody watched him run away. Some thought Graeme had declared, others thought AB was going to celebrate his hundred by sliding near the ropes, in true football style. Chris Gayle took a seat in the grasses, Mark Boucher stood next to the umpire with his helmet off- for clear view. The cameras focused on the green door through which AB had just disappeared.

Unable to control his curiosity any longer, Paul Harris walked in through the green doors. Perhaps AB needed help, perhaps AB was planning his next album and would give Harro a single; perhaps, AB was going to reveal to him the secrets of using the toilet.

As everybody found out just how much time AB de Villiers spends in the toilet, AB came striding out, a relieved man. The drama didn't end there my friends. Out of nowhere a toilet paper roll came and hit AB on the shoulder. To further add to our joy, it got stuck in AB spikes and he had to stop from his skip to the crease to take it out and toss it to the nearest Saffa. I hear the toilet paper roll will be sold on ebay.

This roll of white, soft toilet paper was touched by AB the entertainer. We thank thee for relieving yourself and us of the cricket.

Winning plans

1) West Indies: Plan to challenge the Saffers at football instead and infiltrate their team with girls.

P.S: Sid, did Ricky and gang shave Biffy's hair?

2) AB de Villiers: Plan to stand and watch Mark Boucher work his abs off and still take his spot in the squad...possibly because of that winning smile.

3) Me: I plan to laugh at the Windies when they still lose to the Saffers and hold AB down so Bouch can continue to keep wicketsfor South Africa. Just in tests and ODI's. AB can have his T20 spot, we don't care about that.

We do care about Bouch's missing tooth though. We want it back AB, we want it back now!

T1D4: Sunday is a day of emotions

It started with Jakes getting mad when his LBW decision stood because no shot was offered and hit an imaginary umpire out of the park with his bat. It didn't stop there. Later on he threw the ball at Sulie Benn's stumps and sang a song to him in his own little way. It was more than we have seen from Jakes throughout his whole career. Methinks he was just feeling the heat on his head as his coverage of keratin have moved closer to the back of his neck. They are on a journey, a great mission to discover whether Jakes has a neck. It would make anybody emotional.

Gayle then hit AB on his ankles and smiled. One would figure that only violence would bring a smile on that man's face. But it wasn't a case of battery. It was more a case of 'your room-mate likes me too much and that makes me uncomfortable'. Unfortunately for Gayle, the threat didn't work and Morne still got his wicket. AB de Villiers was more in pain after that wicket because there are still two more tests to go. Gayle rushed from the crease in case Morne decided to actually give him a hug.

Ashy P, fresh from his fifty and cementing his spot in the test team yet again (I know, I know, he was only ever going to be dropped in my head but the bastard better keep making runs because I have been known to make things in my head come true) did a jig. It got the commentators so excited that they kept on talking about it till the t.v. guys were forced to show the whole jig. I am most certain that the real emotion amongst all this was boredom as West Indies headed to an inevitable loss.

All in all, a highly unusual day. Okay, not really. There was nothing unpredictable about it and this is exactly how the rest of the series will go as well.

Let's just hope Alviro gets five wickets in the same over and Smith bowls more often just to draw some emotions from us.

T1D3: Finally on the playground

Today there was no footy to follow, well at least there were no interesting games. So today the Saffers were going to actually play.

Only, Morne being the naughty kid dominated the playground in the morning. He didn't want to let anyone else play, specially the West Indies. Sometimes Boucher got to hold the ball for placing himself directly behind the stumps and sometimes Smith got the honour, because the ball just could not escape his fat hands. I am like every parent who refuse to acknowledge their kids as adults. Just replace kid with Buffalo and adult with thin.

Dale, being the jealous little boy that he is, refused to be shoved out of the limelight. He gave up wrestling wild animals in the jungles for this for fuck's sakes! So he forced himself in the game and very nicely forced Chanderpaul to play as well. Mind you, it's one of the rare times any West Indian played.

Morne grimaced. Dwayne Bravo was the casualty of that grimace.

After, Dale had two choices:
a) grab the rest of the wickets with the specific intention of denying Morne his fifer
b) grab the rest of the wickets for fun with the indirect intention of denying Morne his fifer

He went with (b) because he doesn't have enough fifers in the bag. It's really quite frustrating for a bowler of Dale's calibre. He also went with (b) because Morne is lovely shed of red when taunted, makes for a nice Valentines Day cake. But we didn't care, West Indies was the real loser in this catfight.

However, the joke was on us just as we were preparing for a sequel to the catfight and Fatty and Alviro came down the stairs instead of enforcing the follow on. Apparently AB picked Dale up in celebration a few too many times and in return Dale picked up some niggles. Morne was also slapped hard in the ass by the Buffalo at some point, so you can imagine that the boys were in no condition to bowl.

I was pissed and blamed it on Biff, like most of you I am sure. I am a believer of democracy.

West Indies decided not to come to the playground at all.

T1D2: Behind the scenes

'Why do we have to play!" said AB de Villiers. "Bafana Bafana is about to take on Mexico, our country is making history! I am not playing!"

'What the fuck you whining about? Jakes and I are batting. You can sit and watch the fucking game!", barked Paul Harris.

Subtitutes Ryan McLaren and Johan Botha smirked in their Bafana Bafana jerseys. They didn't have to play at all.

The footy started and everybody was glued to their blackberries, Iphones, smart phones...all hiding underneath their chairs. After all, there was a huge sign outside the dressing room that prohibited the usage of any sort of cellular device. Thus, it took Paul some time to find them when he had returned from the field.

"AB, AB, I am out. You gotta go out there. AB! Get your ass out there!"

AB left in a huff, all the while planning to get out soon so he can go back to the game. But Shillingford hit Jacques in the pad first.

"Appeal it! I am sure it was not out. Stay Jakes stay! You can get a hundred against these bowlers", AB tried to convince Jacques.

"Nah, I wanna see the first goal of the World Cup. Bye!" Jakes ran off.

Reassuringly, Prince informed AB that it was still 0-0.

"Don't worry, you didn't miss anything. But hey, can you please, please stay with me out here? I need to let the selectors know that the only reason I sucked against the Poms was because I was made to open. So be my support while I make a fifty. Everybody will know how good I am then!"

Only when Ashy P hit his fifty, Bafana Bafana had just scored. So no one really saw it. Ashy P didn't know this because the dressing room was jumping up and down with joy. Poor guy thought the celebration was for him.

Once he had proven his point, he too got sick of missing the game and left to join the guys in the dressing room. AB soon followed. Mark was thinking of doing the same, but Dale informed him that Mexico had tied.

The dressing room assumed that Mark Boucher was being Mark Boucher and saving their asses and Dale was winging it like crazy. Nobody looked up, till the cleaning guy came by and found sixteen Saffas underneath sixteen chairs, being appalled by France's defence.

"You guys can go home now, the match is over. I mean your match", he said.

"Oh!", said Graeme. "Aww look, just to be safe, let me tweet about us watching the highlights later at night so no one knows okay boys?"

As they walked off, the cleaning guy muttered, "Mon, some people did see your top order batting.."

Give the win to West Indies

The Saffers batte(d) brilli(a)ntly, the(r)e is no doubt about that. The top o(r)d(e)r is fi(n)ally making me smile again.

Although, Ha(s)h's brilli(a)nt batting (m)akes (m)e want to punch the selectors in the face, I am going to put a restraining order on m(y)self. I am just happy that they are winning.

(D)(a)ve Mille(r) (r)(e)mi(n)d(s) me of (a) young AB, although let's not ju(m)p on that bandwagon yet. It's only his first series. I a(m) slightl(y) concerne(d) however, (a)bout what this means for Albie. If Alvi(r)o and Dave a(r)(e) firi(n)g it up, I fear Albie is going to be left out of the squad. Yet, I still have high hopes for that man.

JP ha(s) fin(a)lly been dropped, (m)uch to (m)(y) joy. Shut up, he needs it.

I am mo(d)er(a)tely satisfied with the bowling. They a(r)e bowling innume(r)ous wid(e)s. Maybe the heat is making them halluci(n)ate, maybe I am ju(s)t missing the bigger picture, m(a)ybe I a(m) being too picky. Actually fuck that. Fro(m) two matches, the(y) have 18 wi(d)es comp(a)(r)ed to West Indies' 12. That's an a(r)(e)a of concer(n). Lop(s)y is (a)lso an area of concern. Honey, when you are co(m)peting with Wayne Parnell and Ryan McLaren, I would say what you are doing in this series is (m)aking sure (y)ou never get picke(d), ever (a)gain. Thankfully, Johan Botha in the othe(r) end is b(r)inging a lot of joy in my life. Saff(e)rs may have a spi(n)ner...I can hardly believe it! No, I won't believe it till you come smack me. Easy now, you will have to fly to Canada first.

I can happily overlook the fielding mishap(s) bec(a)use (m)ost of the(m) were made by m(y) favourite Buffalo. Who cares about misfiel(d)s when you c(a)n happily make jokes and stick it into his big chin. I have also just (r)ealized that he can loose as much weight as he wants, his head will (r)(e)mai(n) gigantic. Meaning, more ammo for me. Life is indeed very good and shallow.

But ye(s), despite (a)ll this, let West Indies have this win. Not because that will (m)ake this series interesting and not because SA played a(m)azingly well and then nearl(y) lost it. But because of the man who hit (D)(a)le Steyn fo(r) two consecutive sixes and became a beacon of hope in this so(r)ry ass W(e)st India(n) team. The only man in maroon to believe.

I found it only fitting to put his name all over this post. 

Sex sells

It has come to my attention, due to twitter being so quiet and of course the empty grounds, that nobody...and I mean nobody, is watching the SA vs WI series. As a Saffa fan, I find it my moral duty to promote their matches and I am going to use the oldest trick in the book: sex.

I admit that these matches don't have the excitement of an unknown lover like a Virender Sehwag innings, neither do they have Daniel Vettori. But this is what they do have:

-Dale Steyn's yorkers. I have certified it as the sexiest thing in cricket right now. Standard Bank Cricket agreed.

-AB de Villiers crouching. Let's just leave it at that.

-Dale Steyn and Kieron Pollard, two very angry powerful men, pushed and shoved a little bit during the T20's. The fight may continue. Now, this may not become a catfight, nor will they suddenly engage in amorous activities while fighting, but that can only be a good thing right?

-Darren Sammy and Jerome Taylor...bowling fast, deadly blows that have the capacity to flatten little men like JP. You know, just in case you are into these things, this series has it.

Admittedly, this is not a very long list but maybe you guys can add to this by...you guessed it, watching the matches! Don't be cricketed out when SA are finally winning!

Also, if you like my marketing call the WICB and ask them to give me a job.

Sequels always disappoint anyway

Last year, the match between Pakistan and South Africa was one that people were looking forward to. Everybody wanted to know if the Saffers were going to choke or finally make it to the finals of an ICC tournament. If they were going to choke it was going to be good comedy, if not then it was going to be good comedy as well...considering the other team was Pakistan and the events that usually unfold after almost all their tournament exits. Either way, it was a game we were going to enjoy and we knew it.

Saffers lost, people laughed and eventually Pakistan went to win the World Cup. High drama, tension, crazy Afridi moments, unpredictability and even a heroic attempt from Jacques Kallis. All the characteristics of the perfect summer blockbuster.

This year when the sequel inevitably came out, people were at two-minds about it. Neither the Saffers nor the Pakistanis were in form. Both teams were missing the point (the point being winning helps), both teams were being captained by unimaginative, hairy people but both teams were in a do or die situation. Saffers were slightly on top, as winning the match would at least give them a fighting chance regardless of who won the next one. Pakistanis needed to win AND have England win theirs.

Too many ifs, buts and whatevers. Too many players acting like they were auditioning for matches, rather than playing it. Too much green.

But people still hoped for a good match. Some were sure Pakistan was going to own SA again, others thought even a stuttering SA was too good for them. Yet others thought, why try to beat Pakistan when Pakistan can beat themselves?

Pakistan won the toss and batted first, like last time. They even started terribly. Then they consolidated and eventually reached a respectable score. The match was different, yet there was some familiar bits and pieces. Only, Botha didn't bowl like a dodo bird (ROFL replaced him) and Charl played Parnie's role, but better. Overall, the Saffers did more than okay with the ball, despite Umar Akmal trying to fluoroscent his way through the attack.

Then the chasing began and here was the difference between last summer's blockbuster and the sequel. Within the year Saffers had forgotten how to bat, specially their top three. AB replaced Jakes as this summer's hero; he even swore. But then, like every Saffa batsman these days, he got out the minute he started to clear the boundary. To the 'shitscoop' too. At least that's what Dilshan seems to have taught him.

JP got out before someone could blame him for slowing down his team again and the Saffers fell to yet another spinner, only it was Saeed Ajmal. Ultimately they lost and people happily called them chokers despite the fact that they have been doing the exact same thing in limited overs for about seven months now.

Yes, the differences had a familiar tone in this sequel. Hence, the changes didn't work, nobody was super excited and the match was not a blockbuster. Specially if you are a Saffa fan. But then the Kiwi-England match happened and people could happily forget the disappointing sequel.

Now the unpredictable Pakistanis are in the semis and still have a chance to retain their cup. If that happens, then there is sure to be a third part to this story, which will be even worse.

Remember the Matrix Revolutions?

A typical England-SA limited overs game

South Africa fucked up big time in a run chase. It's not the tournament, their chasing skills are on a hiatus.

Kevin Pietersen killed. Rainbow colours make him angry.

Buffalo played a part in KP's dismissal.

The Poms stole the magic potion that gives Saffers their fielding power and shoved the empty bottles down their throats.

Morne got a wicket off a no ball. Morne then proceeded to produce some more no-balls.

Barbie misbehaved with the umpire (I never get tired of this).

A Saffa took a fabulous catch and the commentators couldn't stop talking about him.

A Saffa dropped an easy catch.

Eoin Morgan made the Saffers suffer.

South Africa humuliated themselves and made a few non-bowlers look like bowlers in the process.

A Pom took extra pleasure in calling Buffalo a losing captain twice and Colly the winning captain.

South Africa's fate now partially depends on some other team.

English fans are scared that the team is doing too well and Saffa fans are pissed that their team is on the brink of yet another exit from a ICC tournament.