Twelve days to go..

Time for another SA vs Aus series. I've been waiting for this since...well, the last SA vs Aus series. Nothing and I mean NOTHING, makes me happier.

Dale Steyn and Mitchell Johnson will snarl and swear.

Ricky will want to repeat what was apparently his proudest moment as captain- a series victory in South Africa with his new, young, moderately talented team. 

Morne will seek revenge. He took a LOT of heat from the Aussies last time. Deservedly so. He was a bitter disappointment.

ALLAN DONALD and GARY KIRSTEN are back, in a different capacity. They haven't tasted a victory against the Aussies as Proteas in AGES. 

AB is injured and out.

The Proteas haven't played since the last ice age.

The Aussies have only beaten Sri Lanka in recent times. I don't even know if we should call Sri Lanka a team anymore. They have so many players, it's like an exchange student focus group. People come, share their stories and leave. No one stays long enough to form a solid foundation.

But that's not my problem right now. This series has all the makings of a true thriller.

All I want from this series is for Dale to knock someone out, Mitchell to have many different hairstyles, a comeback by Mark Boucher, Twatto's tears, Ricky spitting on Pup and a South African victory.

But really, I'll just settle for some good cricket. Talent vs talent, attitude vs attitude, brilliant strategies from Graeme Smith and Michael Clarke.

Okay, I'll take two out of three. It's not like I have a choice.

What's in your belly?

Sometimes, Stuart Broad inspires me. It's purely accidental of course, but it happens. This time he has inspired me to spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering what is in each cricketer's belly.

Apparently, Barbie has fire in his (link via GreyBlazer). Models all over the world are wondering if this is the new way to shed a few pounds before a big show.

That got me thinking. If Barbie has fire in his belly then what about those real fast bowlers? What do they have in their bellies that drives them to be the fantastic bowlers they are?

Dale Steyn, I would say, has a set of eyes that commands his deliveries. The eyes are that of a woman's, don't ask me whose. All I know is that she is very powerful and can turn Dale into a maniac.

Aamer definitely has a cute, cuddly but rabies infested mouse. I hear the mouse has RP tattooed on it's body. Asif has some mysterious smoke. I think it was once a fire that went on strike the minute Barbie made his claim. Never fear, it will be back. Barbie's is probably a fake plastic one anyway.

Dougie has a razor, which may also explain his hairstyle. Hilfy has fighter jet plane.

Maliga has an axe, a slightly erratic one. Kemar Roach has a thousand beetles that will crawl all over you till you give in to them. Mitchell Johnson has two fat eggs because at least one of them seems to be dysfunctional at some point. Morne has a lollipop and Fidel Edwards has your momma.

And I know this name doesn't belong here but I thought I would let you know that Shane Watson has hair gel in his belly, before he starts crying.

Disclaimer: No fast bowler was cut open surgically or otherwise during the making of this post.

That's it?

I missed the Sri Lanka and India game yesterday because of work. Story of my life lately! But I did log onto Twitter for a bit to see what was going on and I realized that I missed something very interesting. Twitterville was buzzing with opinions on the 'Randiv incident'. I couldn't wait to go back home and look it up.

When I did, it turned out that Randiv had deliberately bowled a no ball, when India needed one run to win so Sehwag would not get his 13th ODI hundred. And I thought to myself, that's it?

By the reactions of those on the internet, one would think that this was Sehwag's last ever ODI match and he was denied a glorious exit. I am sure Sehwag was at his prolific best as he often tends to be but seriously, what a fucking sorry-ass of an incident!

This has less to do with Virender Sehwag and more to do with batsmen and their continuous whining. They whine about everything. Pitches annoy them, audience members distract them, umpires give them unfair decisions, bowlers deny them centuries...hello, that's their fucking job! Just because the match is lost, he is supposed to hand you a century?

And don't give me all that crap about the 'Spirit of Cricket'. What is the Spirit of Cricket really? You can bend that law/saying/intuition/whatever it is supposed to be to make your own point. Like statistics, it is only there to serve your purpose and nothing else. Like, if this was the century that was going to take Sehwag past Sachin Tendulkar in the record books, I would have used the Spirit of Cricket bullshit to blast Randiv and condemned him for his act. See how easy that was?

And if we are so big on the Spirit of Cricket how about investing in something called the Spirit of Bowling as well? Let's not expect bowlers to pick up the slack of shitty batting performances; let's have harsh punishments for terrible fielders who drop the one fucking ball that comes to them after the bowlers have toiled for hours; let's recognize the bowler's contribution not only when he has taken wickets but also when he bowled brilliantly but remained wicket less. LET FAST BOWLERS BOUNCE THE BATSMEN! Let spinners deceive them. Make pitches...aah fuck it! That's a lost cause.

My point is, had this happened to Shane Watson, we would have all laughed and said he deserved it for being a twat. And Watson is, if you force your brain to think about it for a few seconds, a pretty talented batsman as well. We would have said that Randiv was being competitive, so why support Sehwag's whining?

Me, I am glad he got stranded on 99. Just like I support an opposition team's increased efforts to rattle a batsman when he is in the 90's, irrespective of the situation.

Warding off injuries

I am not entirely surprised that Australia's bowlers are continuously injured. They have tormented so many teams for so long that all the curses, voodoos and black magic have finally caught up with them. Sure, Shane Warne didn't turn into a toad and Witchy didn't croak like a crow, but he did have to sit this series out because of the most ridiculous injury, an elbow infection caused by a tattoo. Second only to the English buttniggle pandemic of 2009. And in place of Shane Warne, Hauritz.. their.. ahem..next best spinner (*cough*traded down*cough*) now has a foot injury.

Normally, I would laugh. Well, I laughed this time too but then England started to win and Broad came on television a few too many times celebrating wickets. It made me violently ill. So for the sake of my health, I am giving the Aussies tips on how to ward off the injuries before they lose the entire series. I did cast most of them after all.

First, take a handful of Glenn's hair and then put them on Bolly's head. Then make sure Josh touches Bolly's tomato face before bowling. Give the little Piglet a.k.a Smith some ciggies to make him spin like Warne. Ask Twatto to give Bon Jovi of the 80's his hair back and as for Ryano, lower his chest for fuck's sakes!

Lastly, before they all go out, make them- and this is important- listen to Brett Lee songs.

Of course it also helps to win the toss and not choose to bat first with a piss weak bowling attack against a line up that bats deep. But I am not about to give you tips on how to get through to your hairy little goblin.

P.S: When I first wrote this I forgot all about Clinkt McKay, which is exactly how he should be kept injury free. Forget about him and keep him off the field.

West Indies Losers XI

I think it's time to infest West Indies with players who are not West Indian. Why? Do you even need to ask that question?

The real question is, where should we import these players from? I say we get perennial losers from any cricket playing country and make them Honourary West Indian citizens like Herschelle Gibbs and Michael Hayden. Then make them play for the team. I can garauntee you that this lot will win more games than the current bunch.

So without further ado, I give you the West Indies Losers XI:

1) Darren Sammy: He's not really a loser. In fact, with that face and that fearless attitude, he is always a winner in my books, but he is also a good leader of losers as proven by his current efforts. Sammy is really the only West Indian trying to win any matches for his stupid maroon team.

2) Dwayne Bravo: See above.

3) Nathan Bracken: Poor guy is a loser by association, with Cricket Australia that is. Any other team in the world would have ignored his Keira Knightley look and put the bugger in their test team. But not Cricket Australia. They would rather keep him hanging till he fades away. They would also rather pay for Brett Lee's numerous injuries. Brave Nathan continues to look for new opportunities and then the doctors tell him he needs another operation on his knee! Loser's luck indeed.

4) Imran Nazir: What high hopes one had for this lovely opener, although the same can be said for most Pakistani cricketers. Regardless, Imran had the agression, the cover drive and the fielding to be a regular in the team. But then he played  a couple of tests...and now he is just a 28 years old with a double chin who is only called for the national side as an afterthought.

5) Monty Panesar: In order to feel bad for Monty, I need to make space in my heart by getting out my real feelings for him...BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I find his situation wonderfully funny. Yet another promising English bowler replaced the minute he hits bad form. He too is 28 with a double chin, but these days with Swann (UGH!) and numerous other young spinners in the horizon, poor ol' Monty isn't even an afterthought. Again, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

6) Dinesh Karthik: Who likes Dinesh Karthik? Do you like Dinesh Karthik? Do I like Dinesh Karthik? Does Dinesh Karthik's mother like Dinesh Karthik? See, I've mentioned his name one too many times and your face is already taking a disapproving shape. He is everywhere: keeping, a batting, fielding, captaining, preventing Sachin from getting a century...but it gets him nowhere. He's just one of those losers that we know is in his rightful place and refuse to let him leave LoserVille. May his lifetime membership continue, in maroon, doing a little bit of everything with the Windies.

7) Ireland: Pick any player, they have all been forced to live in LoserVille, sadly. They do not belong there at all and I for one would like to see them storm the ICC headquarters, confiscate all their adult diapers and threaten to shred them into pieces unless they receive a test status.

8) Martin Guptill: Why the fuck this person got any sort of nomination and recognition is beyond me. He has played in 30 ODI's and has a stunning average of 36.46. He's scored 948 runs so far...122 of them came in the SAME GAME. We will pardon him for his equally woeful test average because he's played in only 11 of them but what's all the hype about? Till I see it Martin darling, you are a loser.

9) Lance Klusener: How this breaks my heart! How it kills me! I feel like dolling up and doing a full Elizabeth Taylor-esque tragic scene when I hear his name. He got shafted by a BUFFALO! Sure, he was in crap form during that period but he was dropped because the young captain, who hadn't even secured a spot in the team, thought Zulu was disruptive and a bad influence. He never returned. He is a loser purely because of circumstances.

10) Mohammad Ashraful: Please don't ask and please don't defend him. If you would like to defend him, your team can have him.

11) Shane Watson: Because no losers team is complete without him.

Well, it's over

I am not completely saddened by the result or the ending of this tournament. It's not because of cricket overkill or because I have suddenly started liking the Poms. It's because the winning moment came off the bat of the Englishman I can tolerate (as a cricketer strictly) and the Aussie bowler I would like to vanquish from this Earth. That was the only part of Michael Clarke's captaincy I was grateful for- making sure that the winning runs came off the petulant brat.

I am also glad it's over because the tournament has strangely been like the La Liga, only two teams dominating all the rest. The quality of cricket, I think we can all agree, has been subpar and this time, it's actually because barring the two finalists, the rest sucked balls. I don't think at any moment, any of us didn't know what the outcome of the game was going to be, unless two horribly out-of-form teams were playing. Okay, maybe the Kiwis were the only exception. I thought they should have made the semis.

For me, only three matches were really interesting to watch - SL vs NZ, NZ vs Pak and the Aus vs Pak semi. The rest put me to sleep and I actually got to watch these matches during the day at decent hours. If you didn't really care who won the finals (I did care, but not so much), it wasn't fun to watch either. But it could also be because I had to drive two hours in traffic and only got to watch England bat. Watching Dirk Nannes not take wickets is painful. Kieswetter's wicket abated my pain slightly though. What a fucking embarrassing way to get out! I loved it!

KP was magnificent but I never enjoy watching him doing well. I did like this ridiculous picture though:

I also enjoyed bloody Nasser saying 'Surely, even England can screw it up from here', when they required 29 runs to win. Oh these Poms! They never believe in themselves!

I can understand why they get along so well with them South Africans.

I didn't know that...

1) I dislike the Poms and the Pakistanis more than I dislike Australia. Otherwise today's win wouldn't have given me so much joy. It could also be that this was by far the best fucking game in the whole tournament though.

2) I want to own Shane Watson and hit him again and again, just to see THAT look on his face. I would invite all of you over as well for some dinner, drinks and then a game of smack the Lollipop Boy.

3) I don't like it when Michael Clarke plays T20, let alone captain a side.

4) Highlights could look so ghastly on anybody.

5) I am also one of those that never write Australia off till the game is done. I don't write Pakistan off either...off a loss that is.

6) Captains always don't need to lead from the front for the team to go through to the finals. Puppy and Colly have been in piss poor form, but taking all the credit. Specially Puppy boy. Fuck right off, you didn't do shit for your team!

7) Saffers are actually missing a lot of things from their side: a match-winner, a gutsy player, players that can turn things around for them at the blink of an eye, players that can play Ajmal...okay, I forgive them for the last one.

8) A team losing from a winning situation year after year, could still keep us entertained using the exact same tactics- cumulative brain loss.

Threeway

A man from Room 666 is on the phone.

Man: Hello Front Desk? Can I please get Graeme Smith's room number please? 300? Corresponding to his weight I see...nothing. Thank you.

Dials 300.

Man: Hello Fatty..err Smithy, M.S. here. No, I am not some new Saffa player! I am the captain of the Indian cricket team! Yes, that M.S! Non-South Africans are known by their initials too you know? Like KP...oh wait!

Smith: Aww look, how can I help you M.S?

Dhoni: Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you what excuse you are using for the abysmal performance. We didn't do too well you know. Gary said we can't use the IPL again because we used it last time and Lalit wasn't too happy. Plus Twatto was also in the IPL and he isn't tired at all! Between you and me, I think he's on steriods. But it's not like Twatto had to play till the end! I won the IPL you know! As did Albie. How is Albie?

Smith: Albie's fine. And we aren't using any excuses. Majola started recording our excuses so he pretty much has it all by now. We are just saying that we sucked! Maybe you should say that too. That way, others don't get the satisfaction as much and your female fans adore you again.

Dhoni: But it WASN'T my fault! I was in the FINALS of the IPL! I won the cup! I am TIRED! I don't know what excuses the others are giving, but mine is legitimate. And Durby's. The poor guy, bowling four overs every match!

Smith: Aww look, what about Vijay, Zaheer and Raina?

Dhoni: They are young! Plus Zaheer costs a fortune. You are being of no help mate!

Smith: Maybe we should call Chris, see what excuse he is using.

Dhoni: Oh good idea! Let me call him. What's his room number again?

Smith: 420.

Dhoni: Okay, hang on.

Dials 420. A sleepy man picks up. Even on the phone, you can tell that he has shades on.

Chris: Hello?

Dhoni: Hello Chris? This is M.S. How are you mon? Oh sorry. Yes I know that was terrible. I have Graeme on the other line, let me connect you two. Smith! The fat one? Yes, yes.

Connects the lines.

Chris: Hi Biffy? How was the roast beef tonight?

Smith: I didn't have roast beef tonight.

Chris: Oh, why do they call you Biff then?

Smith: Aww look, let's forget about that. M.S and I want to know what excuse you guys are using for crashing out of the Super 8's.

Chris: No excuse. I am saying Twatto, Witchy and Hads misbehaved with us to get the focus off the loss.

Dhoni: Oooh, very Ricky-like!

Chris: Well, we were there for a while you know. I might as well have picked up something! Their beaches are shit-holes compared to ours. So I had to keep myself occupied elsewhere. But in all honesty, our women's team made the semis, so our people are not that mad. M.S, your women made it too. So take a chill pill. It's Biff who should be worried!

Smith: Worried? I am not worried. There's no one to replace me, no matter what happens.

Dhoni: Same here mate, same here. That's why I put the Aussies to bat first. Wasn't I clever? Anyway, so it seems we are all good. By the way Smithy, I wanted to ask you if you could take some of our boys with you and drop them off to Zimbabwe on the way.

Smith: We aren't going anywhere. We have to play Chris and his boys next, so we are just going to stay put and get nice and tanned. Right Chris?

Chris: You know it mon! Let's see who gets the better tan before the test starts! I am already ahead of you!

Smith: Don't worry Chris, the bet is on! See you later then! Was there anything else M.S?

Dhoni: Can you give me Paul Harris' number? Durby wanted it for some spin consultation...don't know why.

Smith: Yeah I have to look for it. Let me call you back, what's your room number?

Dhoni: 666. I don't know why! Something about how mad the people back home are and effigies. What rubbish! Of course not! Do I look like Ganguly to you? I am much better looking! Just call me back! Okay, bye!

It sucks to be Brett Lee

This is not a continuation of the Buffalo post, but I couldn't find a more apt title for the disaster that is Binga's career. No hear me out, it IS a disaster.

First of all, the injuries. Oh so many of them! And even though he looks, dresses, sings like Twatto he is hardly an opener who knows how to bowl. He is a fast bowler and those folks pick up injuries that break them down. One at a time. Binga's elbow and knees have endured so much, the Federal Mutant Detectors are keeping an eye on him.
I lie. There is no such thing, but if there was Binga would be on their list.

Second of all, he has to be the only fast bowler in the world who got sidelined/dropped from the team despite being in good form. He hasn't lost the ability to take wickets, he hasn't lost his pace, he is still fit (minus that apple butt...has anyone noticed that THAT thing never changes shape?)...and yet he is not in the starting XI! It's not his fault really. A tirade of young fast bowlers have emerged for the Aussies in all three formats and it's probably the right way to go. But that's hardly a consolation for Tweety man right?

Third, his IPL stint. This is really based on today's game but very little is going well for him these days. Sure he got chosen for the WC T20 because of the IPL, but is he going to get a game? If Nannes is fit (evidently he is now injured) and Shaun Tait continues to be the speedy bastard that he is, Binga will be the drinks man. Oh wait, Witchy's in the squad. So Binga will probably have to sit in the dressing room with his guitar.

Which brings us to the fourth problem, his music. Yes, he is going to be writing the official song for WC 2011 but that doesn't mean we will like it. And neither does it mean he is a rock star. Cricket Australia needed a gentle way to inform him that he will not be getting a game and ICC wanted to make some budget cuts. So the two brainstormed and came up with this brilliant plan.

Brett Lee will open and close with his official WC song. That way he will get to be around the Aussies boys throughout the tournament AND ICC don't have to spend that much on the ceremonies.

The only good part of it all is that Binga can't produce a customary wide or no-ball while performing. Unless he misses a beat or goes off key.

Business minded

Since none of you have kindly pointed it out, I will say it myself.

I ran two campaigns for two players, Gibbs and Morkel. Eventually, both of them made it back to the team. All because of my tedious work.

I also injured Broad, Yuvraj and Ryder during the Champions Trophy. Because I don't like them. I wanted Dilshan to be injured against the Deshis and he duly obliged after the first ODI. Once, I even did some black magic on Dhoni so he wouldn't score past 10 against Sri Lanka. He scored 5. I can't find the link to that, you will just have to take my word for it. Then of course, I made Watto go out in the 90's countless number of times. Just for fun.

I have come to the conclusion that it is not a coincidence. I can make things happen. So I have decided to use it for the good of mankind. I am going to offer you my services in exchange for love.

I will injure and campaign for anybody from any team. You just name them. But please know that if they are against the Saffers and Deshis, or a Saffa/Deshi that you want injured there will be loop holes. You won't know them of course, till I actually tell you.

But go ahead. Ask away. I am at your service.

WI vs Aus

Again! Weren't Gayle and co. JUST there?

This is apparently the ODI series that they couldn't play after the test because Pakistan needed to come and intervene. I am very interested to know where the Windies were all these days. Ricky's basement, up Twatto ass, Pup's twitter account are some possible options.

Sri Lanka only tour India and Bangladesh, Zimbabwe tour whatever country clears them at security check and Pakistan visits those countries they think they can convince to come over to their land. It never happens, and inevitably Dubai or England "generously" offer their ground.

I am so bored. Haul Sri Lanka's ass over to Ozland. Or take the Aussies to Zimbabwe. Even better will be flying the Saffers to Afghanistan next.

C'mon ICC! Shake it up a notch. Take some risks. Give Ireland a test status! And some free alcohol to cricket lovers everywhere. Just because.

Of numbers

Yesterday, in the wild caves of SCG Twatto went bollocks and scored a breezy 69. I can now digress completely from the cricket and make very obvious jokes about that being the total number of positions in Twatto's favourite game- stylish ways of racing to the change room when you are about to make a hundred.

But I am not. I am instead going to draw your attention to what Twatto did when he realized that someone else in the waters of Mirpur had the exact opposite numbers. Mahmudullah was on 96 against the Indians in Bangladesh and had just dragged his team from another artistic 106/6 to 233/9.

I must tell you that Twatson's radar is like a minx, always turned on but seriously up and running at the mere hint of the 90's. He also listens to the Backstreet Boys. Don't ask me how I know that. I just do and I now I must bathe in holy water. If it will take me.

Anyway, so obviously Twatto's radar twitched and let him know that a young Bangladeshi promising all-rounder was about to make his maiden century, and he wasn't even nervous, or standing wide eyed at the crease as if he had just finished counting the number of hair on Ricky Ponting's hands. Worse, the 23 year old Deshi was playing a test.

"Fuck no"! Said Twatto. "Get him out. C'mon my Indian brothers. I will elbow you know more".

It didn't work, because nobody likes Shane Watson. He is neither Hayden or Gilchrist. And they are already suffering from massive strokes having welcomed those two in their bosoms.

So Twatto signalled another to hater, Durbhajan Singh.

Durby entered, Durby bowled and Durby got the other batsman out. Yes, evidently Twatto is smart enough to realize that there was another batsman on the pitch with Mahmudullah. Maybe he has enrolled himself in the Simon Katich school of fucking Twatto look at the other end.

And so Mahmudullah was left stranged on 96. Just because Twatto go out on 69. India were also inspired by Twatto and finished the day on 69/0.

You would think those are the only numbers in the world.

Love Pasta?

You might want to rethink that because Shane Watson looks like one. An angry one. Or maybe the pasta is angry because he has just realized that Twatto looks like him. Regardless, the pasta is golden as is Shane Watson. His hair puts the sun to shame, his batting techniques are pure class and his bowling tends to be threatening. How exactly we don't know, or care. But just like we love our pasta cooked, we love it when Shane Watson has put himself in hot water. Man of the series? No siree! Get the fuck out in the 90's and piss off a big West Indian man. That's they wat we like our golden boy. Why exactly? Again, we don't know. Or care.

-Sent in by Wes

Think a cricketer looks like something edible? Send in the photos at cricketminded@gmail.com and tell us why!

Watson is on 78

C'mon Pakistan! You can do it!

Watto your hair is nasty. Go back to the change room and fix that shit.

Preferably when you are on 99.

Mohammad Aamer

Is on his way to becoming a full-fledged Pakistani fast bowler. He burst into the cricket scene at an age when some boys are still trying to grow proper facial hair and sliced through the likes of Michael Huss...err..Ricky Ponting.

People got excited, as they tend to when a new Pakistani fast bowler is on the rise. They are amazing to watch, just like Windies fast bowlers. But somehow Pakistan makes them younger and faster. Aamer's face looks like he should be in a crib, googooing and gagaing. Instead he bowls balls that crack ribs.

But just when people tune in specifically to watch them play, something happens. With the last exciting Pakistani fast bowler it was drugs. With Aamer it's an injury. A groin injury.

*Insert over-used Shoaib joke here*

Next Aamer will hit a team mate, sustain some more injuries, talk shit about the PCB and then sue them. In between, if he has some time for drugs, he will do that too.

Of course I am hoping for none of the above because I quite like Aamer and want him to be up there with Kemar Roach one day. But the groin injury has got me all worried. Because Pakistani fast bowlers also seem to be lacking guidance or common sense. Maybe both, if they are really special.

*Insert another over-used Shoaib joke here*

Good news is, this is will be over soon and in that period of time, we will get to watch mini cyborg Philly bat at least once. I am hoping Twatto goes for a duck, while the little one gets a hundred. Just to rub it in Twatto's face.

If only it would stop raining.

Kallis vs Ponting

I do love good news on the very first day of the year. It's even better when it's bound to piss more than a few people off. The news is that in the last ten years, Jakes has a higher test average than Ponting. The difference is marginal (Jakes: 58.70, Ricky: 58.38) and Jakes actually has about 800 runs less than Ricky. Regardless, I could spend my whole day picturing Jakes detractors banging their head against the wall. Because you know, Jakes' specialty lies in occupying the crease for eternity, rather than scoring runs. Yet the bastard managed to top the averages. *bang bang bang bang bang*

So is Jakes a better batsman than Ricky? It's hard to say. Statistics put the two neck to neck. And these two would be the first to tell you that they are not 'stats men' (*eyes rolled to the back of the head*). Stats themselves can be debated in many ways. So we could sit here and analyze the numbers or start an alternative test of our own to decide who rules, once and for all. I opt for the latter.

Category: Style
Evidence:

Ricky Ponting wears makeup, while Jakes wears girly colours. Jakes may be slightly more creative with his jacket but Ricky seems to be the one on fire. So this one goes to Ricky Ponting, for having nailed the 'Paine is our idol' look at the wrong age. Jakes' version of Mary Poppins is just not on.

Category: Character
Evidence:

Ricky has many faces. For a comprehensive list, you can go here and here but Jakes frequently looks like that, with our without sunglasses. Although Ricky and his wide range of expressions are highly entertaining Jakes has the ability to spring an emotion when least expected.

Note, that is Jakes subtly copying Ricky. So this one goes to Jakes, for always managing to surprise us, pleasantly or unpleasantly. The score is now 1-1.

Catergory: Patience
Evidence: Contrary to what you may be thinking, this is not about crease occupation and therefore the test is not designed to ensure that Jakes win. This is about how patient each of them are based on the people they have to interact with.

Jakes has to wake up in the morning to see Biff's fat face and listen to Ntini be cheerful despite having woeful figures. Of course there's AB singing a few notes of his own songs here and there and Neil McKenzie shows up to put up the toilet seat while Jakes is on it, because he has to go out to bat.

The first face Ricky gets to see in the morning is his own. He then has to spend the rest of the day with Shane Watson's bare chest and girly shrieks, report to Mitchy's mom over the phone, say good things about Tim and Moises and last but not least, approve Pup's Bond undies. Sometimes, he even has to sit at the same dinner table with Lara Bingle.

I think we can safely say that this one goes to Ricky. They were going even, till I realized Pup likes to catch things with his undies. I applaud your patience Ricky.

Oh, so is Ricky the better batsman? Fine. Jakes will take the higher average. For now anyway.

Cricket is ruined

WHY GOD WHY?

You allowed the rain gods to grant the Poms a victory. I sulked, but accepted it.

You gave Graeme Swann wickets. I avoided it with great pain, but I accepted it.

Then you gave Swann runs. I narrowly escaped life-long coma trying to avoid that, but somehow I managed.

England drew the first test, I sighed. But accepted it.

Alastair Cook got a century, I was asleep so didn't have to see the atrocious occurence. Then he got out, so again, I accepted it.

Ian Bell is 55 not out and they have a 43 run lead. My new watch is resting in peace but I still accepted it.

Now Watson has a test century...you have snatched everything away from me! I AM RUINED! Left with no more humour in my life. Only painful tears like those in Sarah Palin's eyes. I am shattered, distressed, crooning to Barry Manilow songs. My days are dark and dreary. Which cricketer will I make fun of now?

Can Mascarenhas replace Jimmy please?

Give it up

If Watto is a joke, clap your hands
*clap clap*

If Watto made 93, clap your hands
*clap clap*

If Watto isn't injured
But he won't get a century
Never in a test match, clap your hands
*clap clap*

If Kato loves Watto, clap your hands
*clap clap*

If Kato made an error, clap your hands
*clap clap*

If Kato made 98
Then he felt the pressure
Despite being experienced, clap your hands
*clap clap*

P.S: Who is this guy wearing a head band and where is the real Aamer?

P.P.S: I will back with the SA post late at night...the joys of Boxing Day shopping!

Dear Santa, from the Aussies

Dear Santa,

I recently tried to impress a talent scout at a game by shrieking my lungs out. I had heard that they were looking for the next Mariah Carey. But he still hasn't approached me. Can you please give him my address for Christmas? If he really wants, I can also get Benn to do a 'don't be fucking looking at me' rap with the shrieking, just to jazz it up a little. It will just be like Akon meeting K-fed. SO COOL! But don't tell Brett. He will give the idea to Bollywood. Give him a new body instead. Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is for Ricky's hyperbaric chamber to fail. It's not fair. He has the captaincy, the wife, the kid, the batting records. Why can't I get my chance? I am tiny and so is he. If we tiny people don't look out for each other how are we going to leave our mark in cricket? Please do something about this. I have been such a good boy! I didn't even tweet. Give me my chance and I will get Ozland a batting average of 100. I promise! Merry Christmas!


Dear Santa,

I just want the whole world to love me as much as Sid does. I know her love is enough to keep me happy for the rest of my life, but why can't the others love me just as much. I don't have a mystery ball but I do have looks. I also was wrongly dropped in a certain match where I may or may not have taken wickets. But they were wrong and for that I deserve their love. Even Gayle's. Tell him to love me, otherwise I will hit him on the head with a bat when he is not looking. Or maybe the waist, because that is how high I reach. Thank you Santa and Merry Christmas!

Watto's gone twatto

And Barbie has an attitude problem. And MSD has been banned as has Sulieman Benn for pleading not guilty. All highly dramatic in the manner of a twenty year old over-stretched, over done soap opera. But slightly more funny and definitely more important because it seems to be raising questions about racism.

The exact reasoning behind why Benn was handed the ban is unclear since Haddin and Johnson was equally involved. Benn talks A LOT and he has been verbally after the Aussies for a while now, but honestly it was just an accident stretched like chewing gum by some passionate men. And chirping is allowed.

In the other end, MSD got banned for two games for not dissent, but having slow over rates. It took India friggin' long to get through their overs because of too much discussion (and it didn't help that Sri Lanka needed a runner) so the general consensus is that it is justified.

Then we have Barbie and Watto. Broad showed dissent to the umpires and Watto celebrated excessively. Watto went up to Gayle's face when he got his wicket and did this:

It was deliberately telling Gayle to 'Fuck off' and he got warned for it. So did Barbie. Now you see the problem.

The two coloured players got banned while the five not-coloured people got warnings. But MSD's had nothing to do with bad behavior and although two ODI's might be too harsh a sentence it shouldn't raise any such issues. But it might, because of all the other things that are going on right now.You can read a good debate about Sulieman Benn's sentence here but what I want to ask is, did Watto, Broad, Haddin and Johnson get lenient treatment because of the colour of their skin?

I'm going to go with no. Not because I am in denial of the existence of racism but because there is nothing extraordinary about any of the events here. All of this has happened in cricket before and have been dealt with differently. Australia is a prime example of a non-coloured team being fined for bad behaviour. The wrong that has happened here is Benn's extreme sentence, probably because he naively denied his guilt. He was right of course, he wasn't guilty of anything other than losing his temper and who the fuck gets banned for that in sports? Unless they have killed or punched somebody. But Haddin and Johnson, the clever bastards that they are, pleaded guilty and it's probably something they just said because they were aware of the consequences. Benn didn't. He is simple like that. He just wants to play cricket.

Even after the ban he is trying his best to bowl the Aussies out and fighting hard. I like the fact that he is treating the ban as an occupational hazard. Chris Broad could learn a thing or two from him. But he is probably too busy trying to exercise his powers over the umpires in South Africa for not accomodating his little boy's temper tantrums.