Of cycles

Life is a cycle. Hence upon coming back to life I quickly died for a second time, because people thought a very good welcome back news would be that of Bhajji scoring a test century. It was instant death. No time for goodbyes. Hell not even time for the last gasp. Shame on you!

Australia is also in a cycle. It's called the shit cycle. Sometimes the cycle breaks because really shit is not circular. Shit just piles on and makes things shittier. I don't mean excretory materials, I mean shit that happens. But when you yourself are the shit that happens to...yourself, what can you really do? Think about that sentence long and hard. It's not that complicated. It basically means Australia had a fabulous third Ashes test series again and Mitchell Johnson was the main reason behind it. He swore at the press, Australia became all cocky again and England crumbled. Sounds familiar? No children, your life is not in repeat. Australia is. The only factor that's different here is that the next test is a Boxing Day test, and Australia have never lost those. I say never because I am too lazy to do research. But I am sure it borders on never. But does that really change anything? England is still the better team. Please do not ask me to explain that sentence. I've already ripped my heart into pieces typing that.

Not everybody is going around in cycles. Kallis just broke his cycle of getting close to the 200 mark and jumped right through it. I didn't know if it (what else did you expect?) till I went to Cricinfo and saw a picture of Kallis' hair. By now the picture has become legendary, so I won't bother putting it on here. But I will tell you that I actually started reading the caption because I thought Kallis had batted for so long that he had actually started growing hair. I mean it's Christmas time and he is 36. One of these days Santa had to give the boy what he really wanted right? It was only then that I realized that he had actually batted to 200 runs, not 200 days. I celebrated his achievement by brushing my own hair.

He has inspired me to break this cycle of absence that I have been stuck in lately. We will take it one day at a time. Don't get your hopes up, but know that I am trying.

In case I am gone for a long time, I will leave you with this very thought-provoking question: Am I Mitchell Johnson?

Joke's on you, India

Mumbai Indians are a strange team. People who follow them consist of those that think that they are the best team in the world and those who viciously try to prove that they are over-rated. One suspects that people's reasoning for thinking that Mumbai are the best team in the world because they have Sachin. Of course all logic fails afterwards, so we will not elaborate.

One also suspects that haters hate Mumbai because of their fans. This by all means is a gross generalization. My research sample is completely biased and most of it is just good old fashioned intuition. But that is what makes the joke funnier.

Amongst all these: the lovers and the haters, the fanatics and the sworn enemies, one factor continues to remain overlooked. It is this factor that makes me laugh out loud because it actually affects both parties. I dislike Mumbai immensely (despite the on and off presence of Shaun Pollock in the team) because of this factor.The factor is Harbhajan Singh.

Durby plays for Mumbai and India. Durby is often considered an important weapon for both his teams. Durby consistently gives a 'meh' if not disgustingly inadequate performance for both the teams. Mumbai Indian fuels this inadequacy, as Durby is rarely replaced but always cherished...just like in team India. All this limited overs exposure means Durbhajan Singh Durby, is sure to be in World Cup squad.

Mumbai Indians recently lost a match they had already won because Durby thinks his bowling is acceptable.
Most haters and lovers of Mumbai Indians are Indians themselves.
India are one of the hosts of the 2011 World Cup.

You see why I am laughing at them?

Grow some balls Gary

I was really happy when I realized Durby wasn't in the third test. I thought someone had stood up to the injustice that is Harbhajan Singh and axed him. Maybe Gary Kirsten had the balls to go up to the selectors and threatened to quit if he was included again. But to be honest, it doesn't look like he does. Because the only reason the bastard is not in the team is because he is injured.

Then again, it looks like no one has the balls to drop Durby. Either that or he is the selection board's secret keeper and will open his mouth the minute they let him go. There is literally no other way of explaining this.

But I do think that there are plenty of ways to drop him and most of them has to start with Gary Kirsten. He is the fucking coach! Why doesn't he get to drop those who harm the effort the rest of the team puts in? If Durby doesn't perform, he probably needs to spend extra time with him, when he could very well have used that extra time on someone who isn't a lost cause. And yes, Durby is a lost cause. Otherwise, don't you think he would have at least been ashamed of his pie chucking by now and attempted to be a little bit more effective?

So c'mon Gary! Walk into that selection meeting room and break some chairs. Light Durby's Hummer on fire if he doesn't quit himself. Kidnap the rest of the team and negotiate for a Indian cricket team without Durby. Tie Durby to a chair and force him to watch his own bowling till he realizes it's shit.

Or better yet INJURE HIM FOR LIFE!

Oh...

Fat isn't the new fit

Hello India,

I flew across weights and cardio machines to bring you important news. It is imperative that you listen. Put down that bowl of lipids stuffed in cholestrol and drenched in soluble carbs and listen to me:

FAT ISN'T THE NEW FIT

It wasn't the new fit when Ranatunga sported and it wasn't the new fit when Shane Warne sported it. It won't be the new fit today, nor tomorrow. Deal with it.

What is the definition of fat you ask? Well, it's simple really.

If you  ripped your pants while taking a catch, you are fat.
If you took your shirt off to dance and the camera had to move away, or people watching television had to blindfold themselves, you are fat.
If you are wearing baggy, sportswear and people can make you that your belly is related to Yokozuna, you are fat.
If your coach is 42 and able to beat you at 'who can reach the other end of the pitch faster', you are fat.
If your name is Yuvraj, Zaheer, Suresh or Rohit, you are fat.

And if you are fat, you ain't fit.

So my friends in blue, hit the gym, do those lunges, lift a tonne, run like the wind...just leave Harbhajan behind. Muscles aren't his thing. Neither is bowling but what the hell!

And when all this is over, kindly upload pictures on Twitter. The world needs proof. Social networking and Iphones will help you get the evidence to them.

 This ain't no joke son

Okay, maybe it is a joke. Give me a hug, Gary will let us play irrespective of waist sizes

For more inspirational pictures, go here.

Threeway

A man from Room 666 is on the phone.

Man: Hello Front Desk? Can I please get Graeme Smith's room number please? 300? Corresponding to his weight I see...nothing. Thank you.

Dials 300.

Man: Hello Fatty..err Smithy, M.S. here. No, I am not some new Saffa player! I am the captain of the Indian cricket team! Yes, that M.S! Non-South Africans are known by their initials too you know? Like KP...oh wait!

Smith: Aww look, how can I help you M.S?

Dhoni: Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you what excuse you are using for the abysmal performance. We didn't do too well you know. Gary said we can't use the IPL again because we used it last time and Lalit wasn't too happy. Plus Twatto was also in the IPL and he isn't tired at all! Between you and me, I think he's on steriods. But it's not like Twatto had to play till the end! I won the IPL you know! As did Albie. How is Albie?

Smith: Albie's fine. And we aren't using any excuses. Majola started recording our excuses so he pretty much has it all by now. We are just saying that we sucked! Maybe you should say that too. That way, others don't get the satisfaction as much and your female fans adore you again.

Dhoni: But it WASN'T my fault! I was in the FINALS of the IPL! I won the cup! I am TIRED! I don't know what excuses the others are giving, but mine is legitimate. And Durby's. The poor guy, bowling four overs every match!

Smith: Aww look, what about Vijay, Zaheer and Raina?

Dhoni: They are young! Plus Zaheer costs a fortune. You are being of no help mate!

Smith: Maybe we should call Chris, see what excuse he is using.

Dhoni: Oh good idea! Let me call him. What's his room number again?

Smith: 420.

Dhoni: Okay, hang on.

Dials 420. A sleepy man picks up. Even on the phone, you can tell that he has shades on.

Chris: Hello?

Dhoni: Hello Chris? This is M.S. How are you mon? Oh sorry. Yes I know that was terrible. I have Graeme on the other line, let me connect you two. Smith! The fat one? Yes, yes.

Connects the lines.

Chris: Hi Biffy? How was the roast beef tonight?

Smith: I didn't have roast beef tonight.

Chris: Oh, why do they call you Biff then?

Smith: Aww look, let's forget about that. M.S and I want to know what excuse you guys are using for crashing out of the Super 8's.

Chris: No excuse. I am saying Twatto, Witchy and Hads misbehaved with us to get the focus off the loss.

Dhoni: Oooh, very Ricky-like!

Chris: Well, we were there for a while you know. I might as well have picked up something! Their beaches are shit-holes compared to ours. So I had to keep myself occupied elsewhere. But in all honesty, our women's team made the semis, so our people are not that mad. M.S, your women made it too. So take a chill pill. It's Biff who should be worried!

Smith: Worried? I am not worried. There's no one to replace me, no matter what happens.

Dhoni: Same here mate, same here. That's why I put the Aussies to bat first. Wasn't I clever? Anyway, so it seems we are all good. By the way Smithy, I wanted to ask you if you could take some of our boys with you and drop them off to Zimbabwe on the way.

Smith: We aren't going anywhere. We have to play Chris and his boys next, so we are just going to stay put and get nice and tanned. Right Chris?

Chris: You know it mon! Let's see who gets the better tan before the test starts! I am already ahead of you!

Smith: Don't worry Chris, the bet is on! See you later then! Was there anything else M.S?

Dhoni: Can you give me Paul Harris' number? Durby wanted it for some spin consultation...don't know why.

Smith: Yeah I have to look for it. Let me call you back, what's your room number?

Dhoni: 666. I don't know why! Something about how mad the people back home are and effigies. What rubbish! Of course not! Do I look like Ganguly to you? I am much better looking! Just call me back! Okay, bye!

Question of the day

Why is Harbhajan Singh still India's first choice spinner in T20's?

1) The Indian players are sadists and like being verbally abused often. Nehra's foul mouth alone doesn't cut it anymore.

2) They miss Navjot Singh Sidhu

3) He is sleeping with Geeta Basra.

4) If he is not on the field, he is on the streets of India, which is worse.

10 ways to avoid getting dumped

1) Orange screws up all brains, avoid orange at all costs.

2) When she makes a move and comes flying towards you, catch her. Dropping her on the ground will just, I don't know...piss her off and kill her.

3) When the hot mistress is on the bench and your world is spinning, don't go for the idiot (albeit a slightly adorable one) who doesn't do spin. Let the hot mistress in when the time is right.

4) Just because you paid the Australian to screw up and make you look good, doesn't mean that he won't come back and grab your girl.

5) Never trust a girl you stole from your bitter rival.

6) If you must throw her like a dart, at least pretend to be good at dart-throwing.

7) Don't send a dart-throwing gigolo to do a lover's job.

8) When picking your strategy, remember that hard and fast doesn't always work.

9) Having only one asset is an error because once the asset is gone, it is the end.

10) Just because you are in top form most of the time, does not mean she will not ditch you when you screw up. So try not to make a mistake till you have her hundred percent, and even after.

Injustice magnified

1) Environmental Injustice: Yuvraj Singh dancing i.e. moving his hands, legs, head, fingers, belly all at the same time (a rare occurence), to aggravate those who live in the centre of the earth. And we wonder why there are so many earthquakes these days.

2) Artistic Injustice: Allowing Durby to enter a cricket field where people make history is bad enough. Allowing him to be on a stage (any stage) where artists create magic is not far behind. Especially if Shahrukh Khan and him are re-enacting some sort of a mating dance by bulls.

3) Vertical Injustic: Making other people feel bad about not being as tall as Ishtant Sharma. Guys, if you have seen him bowl, you will know that he is short in places where it matters.

4) National Injustice: Adam Gilchrist and Shahrukh Khan grinding. Both wearing belly dancer's belts. Australians and Indians watching in horror as the two nations come closer than they would have liked.

Seriously?

Those of you who watched Gilly and Gibbs bat will be saying the same thing.

Seriously?

There was once a 80 something year old woman crossing the street with groceries, shuffling quickly so she could reach the other end  before the sign changed. She moved faster than Deccan's scoreboard in the whole match.

Seriously.

Ideally, these two players would not have played in the semis. But they did because Gilly is the captain and you can't drop the captain for bad form (But honestly, you should be allowed to in important matches!) and Gibbsy got a game purely because of his big-match kaboom reputation. It was a stinky, big-match kapoop performance.

Chennai bowled exceptionally well, but Deccan batted like cripples who have been further hindered by the neighbour's dogs latching onto their backside. Behind every unsuccessful Deccan batsman, there is a giant fucking labrador.

Seriously.

Now, Chennai are in the finals facing Mumbai and I am miserable. I dislike both teams and want neither to win. But if I HAD to pick (because of the same ass-grabbing labradors), I would go for Chennai. It was simply a case of who I hate more, Durby or teams that dress like Australians. Turns out Durby takes the cake. A big one. Smack on his face.

Unfortunately, I am cursed so this means Mumbai will win and I will frown ever so slightly because really, the best part of this IPL final is the fact that the T20 WC starts in seven days. IPL is O-V-E-R.

Seriously.

Figuring out Sreesanth

You might conclude from my obsession with the bald man that I like bad boys in general. That is not the case. Honestly, I only like bad boys by the name of Herschelle Gibbs because of what he can do on the field. Which basically means Sreesanth is not somebody I am fond of.

He has the potential, but he wastes it all on clapping and crying. Sometimes even dancing.I doubted he did much else off the field and I was right. When I googled Sree I found all these videos of him dancing and that's when everything fell into place.

The guy is in the wrong profession. And to prove it, here's a video where he is dragged on stage by Sharukh Khan to dance. He says he isn't ready, but will try his best. Then he just busts out all these moves with the twenty dancers copying him to perfection. Just like a Bollywood movie.



Next, he shows up in some reality show in costume and all and hops and jumps everywhere. He even rolls on the ground. But his biggest achievement is inspiring Wasim Akram to come on stage with him. Wasim dances with a girl, not so reluctantly.



Notice, Durby is not so amused through most of it.

I doubt he is able to inspire any amateur bowler the way he inspired one of cricket's greatest players. Surely that is a clear cut sign that he belongs on stage and not on a cricket field? Somebody go and tell him. Let's not allow another person to perish in a job which isn't for them.

BTW, I forgot to mention. Don't watch the videos till the end. You might die.

Who is Harbhajan Singh?

There seems to be a lot of confusion in Durby's mind as to who he actually is. In the beginning, he was an exciting prospect with lots of ideas underneath that turban, but young.

Then the prospect became a bowler that got wickets, had a doosra. Almost a feared one. Almost because his place in the side wasn't garaunteed. So he searched his soul, we think, and decided to listen to the Kiwi one, John Wright. His sense of identity might have been muddled then, as he being an Indian spinner took tips from a Kiwi opener. It helped his bowling, but the question is whether the semi-Kiwi transformation left a mark in his heart in the manner of an Indian pitch. Because he never learnt how to bowl anywhere else.

They kept on dropping him and picking him according to the availability of Anil Kumble or when Punjabi beats became so popular, you could hear them everywhere you went. His identity then was that of an entertainer.

So he stopped giving a shit about this bowling. Yet, somehow, he remained India's first choice spinner once Anil Kumble left. He was good, but only on the days that he wanted to. During that time, he was the face of pie-chucking on his bad days and the advocate of the word 'mother fucker' on his good days. Every batsman who gave their wicket to him was a mother fucker. Even if he had scored a duck. "Mother fucker, how dare you pad up and come to face me?".

Well maybe because on neither days, his identity said bowler.

Then at some point, he decided to bat. I'm not too sure when. Regardless, I doubt he takes the batting seriously as he had to borrow Sachin's bat yesterday. So I will not suggest that he thinks he is an all-rounder. Althought judging from his batting for Mumbai, I think his turban told him that he is. As did the man-of-the-match award.

You might conclude from this that Durby is a man that wears many hats, which usually means that he is talented and an asset to the team. But Durby defies the norm. He is unusual, always has been. Hence he is a man that is buried underneath his hats, trying to find his true identity. And not bowling in the process.

Although, I'm afraid that when he does find his true self, it might turn out that he is a mother-fucking monkey with anger management issues. Then we will have to venture on another journey to figure out whether monkeys can bowl.

Operation: Durby must go

I have ventured out to fulfill your many requests. First up, Durbhajan Singh. It was chosen in random order don't worry. There is no favouritism here. Otherwise all Saffa request would have gone first.

(Although I am hoping AB and JP find their forms without me and my hocus pocus...positive things are a lot of work guys! Find your form!)

Anyway, back to Durby. Durbhajan Singh was injured on March 13th, 2010 by an agent named Shaun Tait. Yes, I know you didn't know he worked for me. He didn't either. Still doesn't.

Let me tell you that the Tait ball that merely scraped Durby's left knee, (he over-reacted...wanted to go home for his own wedding this time) was actually meant to put him out for months. Tait, after bowling his one miracle 160K, has lost it. Specially since CA don't have a central contract for him anyway...or they do..then they don't again. It's really confusing.

Because of Tait's own personal drama Durby returned soon after. Thankfully reliable Cricket Minded agent Jacques Kallis belted the shit out of him. Tomorrow the massacre continues. Unfortunately, he is playing Kolkata so I can't garauntee a full demolition. Not with bloody Ishant Sharma's buffet bowling.

However, we will continue to try. If we can't injure him, we will ruin him. If we can't ruin him, we will finish him. But we can't give you details of that.

To answer your questions...

1) I am back

2) I am supporting the Deccan Chargers

3) I am happy Smith is injured and Kallis is kicking ass

4) I want KKR to start losing again

5) I also want Punjab to lose

6) I am really watching Bangladesh vs England on television

7) I am re-launching my hate campaign for Graeme Swann

8) I am stunned by Justin Kemp's inclusion in the T20 World Cup squad

9) I injured Durby. More on that later.

In retrospect

South Africa's record in the past two series now reads 2 draws and 1 loss. If you really think about it, it should have been three wins.

Really, they should have won 3-1 against England and 1-0 against India. They messed up twice in the second test. Once in the first innings after tea and the second time on the last day, right after Hash and Ashy P had settled down. Parnie and Morne should never have been in that situation. And Kallis should not have played that shot.

They should also have won the first ODI, meaning they would have won this 2-1 as well.

"If only" is a phrase too often used by a Protea fan. It's always if this, if that, if only we had been the first to bat.

Consolation wins mean ziltch after sometime. Because during the dead-rubber matches, the Saffers are so mind-blowingly brilliant that you actually wish your mind was an atomic bomb that could burst on command. Their inconsistency makes Pakistan look rock steady.

Everybody was brilliant today. I was particularly proud of my soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL. Did you see that ball that turned away, peeked at Sreesanth and decided to go straight for his legs? That one was fun! AB was fun to watch too. As was Tsotsobe. I really love that guy, but I don't know if he can replace Parnie. Unless he is injured of course.

But the reality is, this was an inexperienced Indian team. They didn't have their frontline bowling attack...if you can call Durby a frontline bowler. The Saffers knew this and they bullied them to death.

Honestly, I did not expect the Saffers to even achieve this. But then I thought, why shouldn't I? They are a friggin' brilliant team, as the first test demonstrated. They conquered Sachin, Sehwag, Gambhir, Dhoni and Zaheer there. But these bursts and fizzles are getting very,very hard to handle. Next up is the IPL, meaning another long-ass break for the team. Just when they were beginning to get their groove back.

And Dale just said in an interview that he thought this was a good series. If only he was right!

Losing at home is the new thing

Just not losing, losing by an innings and some runs. England's only loss in the Ashes was an innings defeat. The Saffers pulled off the same show of ultimate crap at home and now India has dramatized it to the max.

Note, in between there were series such as Pakistan in Sri Lanka, the Kiwis in Sri Lanka, Sri Lanka in India, Windies and Pakistanis in Aussieland and Pakistan vs New Zealand in Oil land. But the hosts won there (or the Sheikhs won by making money), so they are banned from taking part in this new trend. The Kiwis and the Deshis committed additional crimes by losing at home, but not by an innings. Disgraceful!

However, I must admit India did it with style. The Poms and the Saffers carefully made sure someone attempted to stand out, but doesn't really follow through. Not with India. In India, there are always heroes.

Sehwag entertains the crowd, gets out, says sorry. Sachin keeps hopes alive, gets unlucky, walks back. Durby slashes his bat around like some cheap imitation of Superman and fails inevitably. That turban causes too much friction during his flight through the air. That's why Superman put it as a cape on his back, Bhajji.
This time, their fast bowler puts up a fight too. If Witchy, Aamer and Dale are doing it, why not Zaheer?

Even after all the heroics, they cannot be saved from an innings defeat. It may be because the enormous tasks themselves are tired of being done by the same heroes. They are on strike. "Make new Indian players write history", they scream. But who is listening?

Or maybe it was the hypnotic effect of the newest number one trend in the world. If aspiring number one England and stuttering number one South Africa can do it, why not the actual number one themselves? And do it one notch above them too. With flair and style, falling merely 6 runs short. Making sure that their fans are much more disappointed than the Poms and the Saffers.

That way, they are number one in defeat as well. This commitment to the top most rank has impressed me immensely. Clearly, all doubts about which team in the world is currently number one, have been dispelled.

Clearly.

Pure trash

That is what I will be for the next one month. Not the kind of rubbish where I am posting regularly and stinking up the blog world. The kind where I am not posting regularly. Sorry, there are things going on right now that I need to focus on and do. Things that will keep me away till about mid-March. But this level of rubbishness will have some sophistication.

I won't be as horrible as Durby's bowling in the first two days. That was just on a different level. Went too straight, too far, too full, too short. Too much of everything. Not surprising, as there is too much of Durbhajan in the Indian team these days. And too much of something is never good. But I don't mind his flat-track ass, as long as he is serving the Saffers.

But I definitely won't be as good as Jakes in the first session of Day 1 where he had a strike rate of about 70 at one point, with two sixes. He was so delicious that I contemplated making a big 200 sign and hanging it from the highest glacier around. But then he decided today was not the day. I don't know when it will be the day. Maybe after he retires, in some friendly match.

The level of rubbishness on this blog will be marginally better than India's fielding. At one point the only thing I heard the commentators say was "If it had hit the wicket, it would have been out". Well, if the Indians had learnt the meaning of direct hit a lot of things would have happened. Like the apocalypse.

But the blog will not be the beauty that is Hashim Amla. Hashim's wrist will one day fetch some auction house millions of dollars. Although I would have been happiest if both he and Jakes had got to the double, I am excited that Hash has gotten his shit together. His power of concentration clearly comes from the vein in his forehead that pops out every now and then to calm him down. It was on the  very edge when he was in 199, as was his wife. Now that's what you call made for each other.

The level of rubbishness will fluctuate between South African openers that are not Graeme Smith and what comes out of the mouths of Ravi Shastri and Sunny Gavaskar. According to that pair, Hashim Amla is a foil for Jakes and WAGS who have no interest in cricket have nothing to do if their boyfriends/husbands are out early. Honey, they are on vacation, they are not here for their men.

Sometimes the blog will do a Paul Harris. But not too much. I couldn't do that you guys. Then sometimes it might do a Dale Steyn, who I have decided is to be referred to as my Dale from now on. But more on that later.

Of numbers

Yesterday, in the wild caves of SCG Twatto went bollocks and scored a breezy 69. I can now digress completely from the cricket and make very obvious jokes about that being the total number of positions in Twatto's favourite game- stylish ways of racing to the change room when you are about to make a hundred.

But I am not. I am instead going to draw your attention to what Twatto did when he realized that someone else in the waters of Mirpur had the exact opposite numbers. Mahmudullah was on 96 against the Indians in Bangladesh and had just dragged his team from another artistic 106/6 to 233/9.

I must tell you that Twatson's radar is like a minx, always turned on but seriously up and running at the mere hint of the 90's. He also listens to the Backstreet Boys. Don't ask me how I know that. I just do and I now I must bathe in holy water. If it will take me.

Anyway, so obviously Twatto's radar twitched and let him know that a young Bangladeshi promising all-rounder was about to make his maiden century, and he wasn't even nervous, or standing wide eyed at the crease as if he had just finished counting the number of hair on Ricky Ponting's hands. Worse, the 23 year old Deshi was playing a test.

"Fuck no"! Said Twatto. "Get him out. C'mon my Indian brothers. I will elbow you know more".

It didn't work, because nobody likes Shane Watson. He is neither Hayden or Gilchrist. And they are already suffering from massive strokes having welcomed those two in their bosoms.

So Twatto signalled another to hater, Durbhajan Singh.

Durby entered, Durby bowled and Durby got the other batsman out. Yes, evidently Twatto is smart enough to realize that there was another batsman on the pitch with Mahmudullah. Maybe he has enrolled himself in the Simon Katich school of fucking Twatto look at the other end.

And so Mahmudullah was left stranged on 96. Just because Twatto go out on 69. India were also inspired by Twatto and finished the day on 69/0.

You would think those are the only numbers in the world.

House warming

The reason behind Crashraful's hair tearing form is now clear. He has been planning the biggest career move of his life.

He bought a house. But that's not it. He was planning the perfect house warming, an event where batting legend Sachin Tendulkar and slapmaster Durbhajan Singh were to attend.

Clearly preparing this feast has been the main focus of his mind for the past years. What do you feed Sachin Tendulkar after all? How do you even decorate the house for him?

I would say put lots of pictures of fast bowlers crying. He would like that. And feed him everything in the country of course. I see fish, rice, chicken, beef, water, pepsi...good going Crashraful. You even got the Mumbai Indians to sponsor this dinner.

Look at how upset Durby is about not getting the fish from Crashraful. Chill dude. He probably has Sreesanth as entertainment later. Sreesanth will give you a lap dance.

Hey Sachin, teach him how to use his brain in return okay? The guy went through so much trouble for you, planning this shit for years. Stuff you till you blow up all over the place. What's for dessert Raful? Surely cake in the form of cricket balls.

Raful just enrages me, but if you look at it from a slightly sane perspective that is not such a shabby dinner party. I mean, how cool would it be to have Sachin Tendulkar at your house warming? Even if you are not a fan.

Raful has finally inspired me to do something. When I buy my first house I'm getting Jacques Kallis to cut the ribbon. Think I should have some extra food in the fridge?

Definition of an all-rounder

It is imperative that I tell you, because people seem to be suffering from bouts of dementia when they come across this word. It's very, very simple.

Picture a sale, where you find the perfect pair of shoes. You have been looking for them all your life. You can't believe you have been walking all these years without them. The price is also perfect. And then you see it. "Buy one get one free".

But the shoe that you get free is of lesser quality. You will wear it once, wince in pain and put it away. Some months later you will try it again, pain still there but a little abated. You try it again and again because really, who wants to keep free stuff tucked away? Eventually it will stop hurting and then it's like the shoes were a part of your feet.

Now look at this picture:

With these men, you get a lot of things free. Sanex products, differently styled glasses and children's novels to name some. Oh, I know what you will say. You get similar things free with the new 'all-rounders' as well.

Broady offers his bad manners and bottled up puberty to anyone who gives a shit about him.
Witchy Mitchy has his horrifying bowling action and his mother to give away as fast as a Karate chop.
Durbhajan Singh has a Hummer that he will throw at your face with great fervor anytime, as long as the Hummer is to be driven on a flat track.
Even Paul Harris has smiles to give for free. He has to. Nobody wants his bowling, even when it is free.
So that makes them all-rounders.

But friends, you forgot to note one critical point. These things must come free, ALL THE TIME. Broad sometimes grows a beard, Witchy loves his mum, Durbhajan takes the Hummer back and Harris frowns. Jakes will give you a Sanex deodrant anytime. Even if you don't stink.

Showing hints of free products at one sale and not in the next three also disqualifies you from being an all-rounder. Unless you are injured, also all the time. Then we don't really know but we pretend to agree with you because you might sit on us and crush us.

So to recap, we like free stuff and it must be given to us consistently. We also like the perfect shoe and at no point are willing to sacrifice it for the free things. If you have just started to give us both we will take it, but we will not be convinced of your abilities till you have done it for at least a few years.

In conclusion, everybody wants to be an all-rounder. Doesn't fucking mean you are one. Get over it.

Over at Bangladesh...

Sri Lanka finally got to play the last ODI at Kotla that they had to abandon because Sanga is a whiny baby. They won. The same result that they would have achieved in India had the grand design of BCCI, DDCA and the groundsmen not made the pitch so difficult on their soft, fully gaurded bodies.

Strangely, this Lankan team did not have Dilshan the Destroyer or Sanath the Aged. It had Samaraweera instead, who decided to go all Dilshan on Indian bowlers. It also had the dear Kandambi who is the only fat cricketer I like, after Arjuna Ranatunga. But dear Kandambi continues to pursue his dreams to be the lowest run scorer in all matches.

Or maybe his fatness prevents him from scoring anymore. Either way, his belly has somewhat of a likeability factor. I can't put my finger on it...or around it for that matter. But when I do, I will tell you what it is.

India's seven bowlers picked up an astonishing five wickets. Three of them went to Durbhajan Singh (copyright Raj).

If Durby's getting wickets, the dew must be fucking with this game right?

Over at Saffaland, something awesome has happened. Will post about it at night. Must look up every synonym for "gloat".