Australia try to intimidate the Proteas

Australians are well known for their mind games. Seeing as their trash talks haven't worked in a while and their team is currently a subject of 'snickering secretly while pretending to intelligently analyze what went wrong', they are trying new tactics. For example, they sent a T20 captain who is...well a visual monstrosity. As in he is ugly. He is so ugly that he makes Ricky Ponting look pretty.

Oh dear...

Such level of ugliness can only be meant to scare the crap out of our Protea boys. Talent and strategies, they can deal with. But how the hell do you deal with an ugly gentleman looking at you for eight hours? How do you battle bad looks?

However, Australia's other captain is campaigning for a bigger intimidation scheme. He is the Pup and he has a gigantic bat and ball. Err..that's no euphemism. 

Courtesy of funny man MartyD

" I may have a teeny-tiny brain but my big bat and my big ball will sweep the Proteas out of the stadium".

Please note that your ball is damaged. Pun intended.

Why should I fucking run mate?

There was a wonderful incident at the game yesterday. KP had become temporarily Saffa, taking a stunning catch (Yes, I am claiming that as a result of his Saffa genes. The English don't turn 360 degrees in mid-air like that) and of course molesting Jakes like no tomorrow. But KP was actually over-excited yesterday. He was involved in most field changes, moving around like he was on battery. So, when he came out at number three (after his lover Jakes had failed), and started thwarting the bowlers around people were sort of expecting it. At this point he may have been feeling like a Saffer or English. We never know when he takes on what identity. And the fact that the Poms call him a Saffa the minute he starts sucking doesn't help our dilemma either.

Anyway, the already confused lad, now has to assume a third identity. That of a RCBian (Evidently, that's the official term. Don't ask!). And there is no shortage of criticism there for him either. He fucked up one game and they dropped him and called him a useless git. I happily listened to them, I am not very fond of KP. But if you really think about it, he didn't deserve it. Just like Kallis didn't deserve those harsh words from Kumble. But that's another post where I fry Kumble for thinking Kallis is going to fucking babysit the team that think Cameron White is more valuable than Mark Boucher.

Back to the incident. It was very English, or rather Saffa-English as Michael Lumb had demonstrated earlier in the match. Both of them charged down the pitch like bulls with thyroid problems and refused to acknowledge the fact that their partners had signalled 'no'. KP has done this before, so we were not surprised. But we were delighted about was the fact that once given out, KP turned around to say "Fucking run mate" and then "Fuck man" to his team-mate Kohli, while lovely pig Shane Warne stood by laughing at them.

We loved it. As did we love the strong arm that KP put around Kohli afterwards, pretending to show him some love but actually strangling him so he smiled for the camera. It was comedy all around. Including Dravid trying to console KP right after. And we all know Dravid had to frequently run with Saurav Ganguly. That couldn't have been fun.

What this incident is going to lead to is something that I'm sure the IPL has brought up before: the question of whether IPL teams can actually evoke the same sentimentality and pride that cricketers feel when representing their national teams, enough for them to overcome the fact that their team-mates are actually their competitors  the rest of the 10 months (unless some of them play county as well). Could Kohli really have cared enough to sacrifice himself for the man that was clearly much more settled than he was, seeing as the man was not a fellow Indian cricketer? Should Kohli have cared? The obvious answer is yes. They are a fucking team and they get paid gazillions of dollars (and free alcohol when you are a RCBian) to be a team. But it does not necessarily mean that the players are emotionally that much charged up to give their everything. Kohli might have ran down the pitch for say, M.S or Yuvraj, but for KP...not so much. And you can't really blame him. This is the guy he is going to fight in another slogfest in about two weeks.

At this point, we obviously have the age-old argument of how a sportsman should always uphold team spirit no matter what team they are representing. To which I say, bull fucking shit. This is not football, where your club team comes first. In cricket the national team is and will always be top priority. Meaning subconsciously, KP will always be Kohli's opposition and KP will probably not think twice before swearing at him, like he would have even if Owais Shah had been at the other end.

Plus, poor KP is already lost. Don't burden him with any more issues of identity crisis. But know this: whether he is Saffa, English or RCBian, he will always run himself out like an idiot at some point. It's called KP cricket. Get used to it.

Mystery

There is something I need your help with. I need you to identify a body. It's not dead. It's very much alive and strutting its stuff on the dance floor like Beyonce on drugs.

The individual has been identified on photo captions as Cameron Leon White. If it sounds familiar, you are probably not wrong. That is the name of Australia's polar bear-like ODI sensation. Maybe even future captain. But further investigation shows that Cameron Leon White does not look like this:

He looks like this:

So the question remains, who is this red haired person impersonating Cam White and why didn't the IPL security people check his ID before allowing him to slander White's good name all over the dance floor? I mean look at that booty! Even the girl in the red dress has nothing on him!

I also like how Brett Lee looks away, while keeping a straight face.

What's in a name?

Plenty, for Moises Henriques. It's the reason he didn't get the man of the match award at today's match, despite making a swift comeback from the clutches of Pollard. His economic rate was the second lowest amongst the NSW bowlers and he took the highest number of wickets...3/11 off 3 overs. Yet Dave Warner snatched the award away from him with his whopping 48 from 25 balls...which was the highest score in this miserable match.

Now you are going to say, it was a difficult pitch to bat on you stupid imbecile, which is exactly why Warner got it! And I am going to say, why don't you say that to the bowlers from Victoria? They gave 169 runs in 20 overs, none of which came from extras and got only 7 wickets between them. Looks like the NSW batsmen don't know a hard batting pitch when they see one.

Since I am in a mood to win, I am also going to point out that two of Moises's wickets were Dussey and White. Dussey is regarded one of Australia's best T20 batsman. Which is not much of an achievement since the Aussies are shit at T20, but we will give it to him. Having a brother whose dead cricket career is still being put on display regularly, cannot be easy. And White, well White is the brand new Michael Clarke of Oz T20. Moises got both of them, yet Moises failed to land an award.

The woes of being a bowler? Nope. The woes of having a name like Moises which no one can utter without rupturing their lungs. Or whichever part of our anatomy bursts first with laughter.

Backing up my claims

I never lie.

Ravi, the Bollywood Clown.. how did the casting people of Bend it Like Beckham miss you?

Why didn't Ryan get the cool green hair?

Spot the real Nathan Bracken

Cameron White, The Albino Convict

A cure for depression

The ODI's between Australia and England. If you are not watching it, you should. It will bring a lot of joy in your life.

The Pommies were actually offered a contract with a traveling circus called the English Clown Board. We got a great demonstration of how good they are at their job today. Strauss, the head clown, lead they way by making sure that the first over of a One Day International match was a maiden. He then got a little serious with the batting so Bopara, the Bollywood clown, tried to run himself out. But they had underestimated the comedic power of the Yellow Convicts (YC). Goldilocks, a prominent joke machine, fulfilled his duties and duly missed the stumps while Bopara dived heard-first. The YC's did well to continue the entertainment when the Clowns got too serious again (after making sure that they had lost two wickets of course), with three players running after one ball that still made it to the boundary.

Look mommy, I am funny!

The highlight of the act came with Wato, the buttery-limbed convict, yelling out 'YEAH SEXYYY' when Goldilocks actually managed to keep the ball in his two hands to dismiss Colly, the sad clown. The YC's haven't been allowed to be with their women for a long time as punishment for losing the Ashes. Hence, they have forgotten what sexy really means. Or maybe they have been seeing too much of Bingle lately.

Many amusing wickets and one miserably funny power play later, it was the YC's turn to chase. Just when we thought it couldn't get more hilarious, they proved us wrong. YC's batting began at such a slow pace that even the turtle gave up his trophy. There were many moments in between the painful trudging though. Sidebottom, brother of the legendary Krusty, worked very hard on his inadequate bowling and got rewarded when one of his useless balls hit White, the Albino convict, in the nuts. White took revenge by scoring a strapping 105 from 124 balls. It went down in history as the most boring 124 balls every played.

'Spinner' Swann, simply titled the Clown, trumped YC's disgusting fielding all by himself when he dived for a ball and nudged it towards the boundary with his head. He then laughed at the replays to show how confident he was while making fun of himself. The Clown scouts had come to see the game you see.

The YC's won...but not before making sure they needed a run a ball to overtake the Clowns' daunting 228.
Ex-convicts Hayden and Gilly's thrashing, thumping approach to cricket was successfully flushed down the toilet today. You can find it in your sewage system.

The Clowns dropped two catches, missed three run outs and will continue to do so...oh the tears of joy!