"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Sunday, January 3, 2010

T3D1: Dictionary of Saffa batsmen

Graeme Smith: Extremely lucky till he goes to lunch and inhales everybody's share of the food. Today, he ate Jimmy's dessert. Jimmy stuffed his locker with bitter lemon ice cream and sent him back to stuff his face some more. (Graeme didn't eat it as it was fat-free).

Ashwell Prince: Epic cockhead who likes to sit in the dressing room and watch the game for the first two days. Likes to act shocked upon losing his wicket. He's only fooling Procter, no one else.

Hashim Amla: Tries to get in a couple of fours and good shots before inevitably falling leg before to the same bowler he smashed. Hash is a kind and loving individual who can't bear to watch other people in misery. Needs to be sent to boot camp to learn how to translate his skills into utter destruction of bowling attacks that have Barbie.

Jacques Kallis: (Needs a couple of volumes to be described accurately) Targetted to be Jimmy's bunny. Jimmy even bought a pink rabbit suit for him, but Jakes prefers to reply with centuries. Just don't be wooed by Jimmy tomorrow okay Jaksey?

AB de Villiers: Biff's understudy. Might be secretly in love with Biff's shockingly bad shots. Needs to get over himself and not make mistakes that cost him his wicket at crucial times. That's thrice in three tests now shithead.

JP Duminy: Gave Swannyg66 two wickets in two balls. Got my hopes up in the beginning of the season and then went on to become South Africa's Ian Bell. If he had hair, I would have shaved it off. What the hell, I'll shave his head anyway. 

Mark Boucher: Thankfully, Jakes' understudy. Saving Saffers with his best friend since the beginning of time. Is shockingly still single, even after hitting Swann for three consecutive fours. Girls in Saffaland have bad taste I tell you.

Dale Steyn: Has found his new calling. Will open the batting for South Africa by the end of the year surely.

Kevin Pietersen: Rejected, hated and ridiculed but still has his heart set in Saffaland. Misfielded duly to let Bouch have his fifty and picked up the ball to bowl short and allow his lover to get a hundred. Looked away from the camera to hide his glee while clapping for Jakes. Still rejected, hated and ridiculed.


Wes playforcountrynotforself said...

Strauss 2
Pietersen duck
Trott 20
Coll 19
What else do you want. That's the maximum we can expect from SA. Enjoy it. Even Fatboy took a wicket. Tomorrow is Friedel day.

Leela said...

Top post.

Purna said...

Wes, more than that I hope tomorrow is Hashim day, AB day, Jakes day...Biff day even. Wickets mean nothing if they can't set up a 2nd innings total.

Thanks Leela.

Anonymous said...

I think you're a bit harsh on Ashy. He's played as a middle order batsman for 14 years, then the selectors suddenly decide to kick him 4 placed up the order to open! Give the man a break!

(Also Ashy P is seriously sexy. So there.)

die Fraulein

Purna said...

Frau, it's not like he sets the world alight with his middle order batting. Plus, he took my Hersch's spot. Who is sexier. So there.

Wes playforcountrynotforself said...

"die Fraulein"

*lol* very close to well done ;)

Purna you were right about Hash and Biff day. Oops I mean Schmidti.

Purna said...

What is Schmidti? You gotta teach me some German.

Anonymous said...

Schmit is just the German spelling of Smith.

Other Protea names in German would be Eschewell Prinz and Tal Stein.

Incidentally, Biff means "peice of meat" or "steak" in Norwegian. (No, not making this up)

Also "morkel" is a mushroom and "mornay" is a fancy French sauce. Add some onions and we have a full meal...

die Fraulein

Purna said...

Right. I finally know why I love the Saffers. I have a special place in my heart for food.