You have to give it to Pakistan. They never fuck up their performance. The arrive, they slam the ball all over the place, show some promise of patience and then duly collapse. It's like the perfect circus act, only better because each time the batting order finds new ways to entertain the audience.
You know the collapse is coming, but what keeps you interested is how the collapse is coming. Will it be match-fixing? Will it be a rebellion against their captain? Or will it be a simple case of stupidity? They can do it all and more.
Like today, Salman decided to signal 'no run' to Yousuf who had his back to him, instead of screaming it out. I am very tempted to make a butt-to-butt connection joke here, but I am afraid that is just too lame. Even for me. Yousuf got run out and gave Salman a look. A look that inspired the title of this post.
If I had been a commentator on this match I would have done that thing where you go inside a player's head without a magic wand and say what they are thinking. It would have gone like this:
Yousuf: Imma fuck up your life boi. You just watch, your opening days are over.
Salman: How much money will I make if I sell his beard on Ebay? Maybe I should sell it by pound. (Makes a face that looks sheepish but is actually calculating in his mind) If 1 pound is marked for 100PKR...how many pounds does that beard weigh? 5? 10? Where is Yousuf going?
Yousuf: You fucking piece of shit. Imma burn your house down, Imma give you a wedgy...Imma flush your face down the toilet.
Then Salman does the same to Umar. Umar doesn't have a gangsta look, so it's not worth going inside his head. But honestly, why do the Pakistanis have to make the same mistake multiple times before learning their lesson?
Of course Australia is not far behind. Michael Clarke's 'let's leave the ball that will hit the wicket' style outs never fail to amuse me. 166 great runs and then this? Pup, Pup, Pup!
Then of course there is Mitchell Johnson, who continues to bowl pies. Keep it up son. We'll just use them to feed hungry people.