Now that it has finally happened, thank fucking god, I can freely show Makhaya some love. No hard feelings Maky. But keeping you in the team after that performance would have been controversial causing you endless stress and pressure, which you wouldn't have to lived up to. That would have caused you even more misery. So this really is for the better. See, I am always thinking of you.
But fear not, I have found alternative ways for you to contribute to a Saffa win. Ready?
1) Give the Poms food poisoning
I believe that shit is raw and giving it to Strauss would result in lots of salmonella babies multiplying in his intestines. Won't that be something? Seeing as Strauss is desperate to overturn history, he can do it by being the world's largest in vivo bacteria breeding site.
2) Tell them they are going to Hogwarts
And present them all with eco-friendly brooms. Eleven Pommies trying to lift off the ground in robes and pointy hats on some green stick. That's a best seller right there. Of course to put it in the all time best list, Tim Bresnan has to be included. Halfway through the book, his stick will go on strike and demand that Bresnan lose weight. Stick, strike...geddit? I hope J.K. Rowling's reading this.
3) Stroke KP like a cat
Or hold him close to your bosom to convince him Saffers still love him.
"KP come back, we miss you. Jakes is fucking around."
Then when he comes back give him a wedgy, an atomic one.
See, you don't need to be on the field with a ball to help the Saffers. The opportunities are all around you my friend, you just have to grab it.
Ooh, the cricket is about to start.