"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Definition of an all-rounder

It is imperative that I tell you, because people seem to be suffering from bouts of dementia when they come across this word. It's very, very simple.

Picture a sale, where you find the perfect pair of shoes. You have been looking for them all your life. You can't believe you have been walking all these years without them. The price is also perfect. And then you see it. "Buy one get one free".

But the shoe that you get free is of lesser quality. You will wear it once, wince in pain and put it away. Some months later you will try it again, pain still there but a little abated. You try it again and again because really, who wants to keep free stuff tucked away? Eventually it will stop hurting and then it's like the shoes were a part of your feet.

Now look at this picture:

With these men, you get a lot of things free. Sanex products, differently styled glasses and children's novels to name some. Oh, I know what you will say. You get similar things free with the new 'all-rounders' as well.

Broady offers his bad manners and bottled up puberty to anyone who gives a shit about him.
Witchy Mitchy has his horrifying bowling action and his mother to give away as fast as a Karate chop.
Durbhajan Singh has a Hummer that he will throw at your face with great fervor anytime, as long as the Hummer is to be driven on a flat track.
Even Paul Harris has smiles to give for free. He has to. Nobody wants his bowling, even when it is free.
So that makes them all-rounders.

But friends, you forgot to note one critical point. These things must come free, ALL THE TIME. Broad sometimes grows a beard, Witchy loves his mum, Durbhajan takes the Hummer back and Harris frowns. Jakes will give you a Sanex deodrant anytime. Even if you don't stink.

Showing hints of free products at one sale and not in the next three also disqualifies you from being an all-rounder. Unless you are injured, also all the time. Then we don't really know but we pretend to agree with you because you might sit on us and crush us.

So to recap, we like free stuff and it must be given to us consistently. We also like the perfect shoe and at no point are willing to sacrifice it for the free things. If you have just started to give us both we will take it, but we will not be convinced of your abilities till you have done it for at least a few years.

In conclusion, everybody wants to be an all-rounder. Doesn't fucking mean you are one. Get over it.


Anonymous said...

Ian Botham actually said on Sky 'and after Matt Prior come the all-rounders.' His definition is so hazy that I think he considers James Anderson an all-rounder now. Everybody who doesn't get out first ball qualifies. FFS.

Purna said...

Which is sad because Botham was actually an all-rounder!!

Onions the all rounder. How lovely does that sound?

Wes playforcountrynotforself said...

The original of that F***off pic made me stab my eyes out. Thanks for editing it.
and Onions IS an allrounder, obviously. I haven't seen any usefulness by Broad lately.

Purna said...

Didn't you see his time wasting tactics at the last day Wes? He needed to get out of his Barbie dress to put on his test whites. Honestly, you people are so mean to him! He is very, very useful okay? You lot just don't see it.