"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Monday, January 4, 2010

Pie Chuckers Anonymous

Man 1: Hi my name is Witchy and I am a pie chucker.

Everyone: Hi Witchy.

Witchy: I guess it really started when I got into reading tabloids so I could connect with my vice captain, who is the reigning queen of the Aussie tabloids these days. Anyway, before long my mum was on it saying horrible things about the love of my life. That's when I first started chucking at the home of Cricket. I recovered momentarily, when my captain pointed out that at least my mum didn't say I wasn't an all-rounder. But the whole time I got my line and lenght right I kept thinking 'chuck, chuck, chuck'. It kept calling me. I tried to fight it again and again, but it just grips your brain you know. Asking you to let the batsman score runs, like the ICC. I liked to do it with the new ball most of the time. But thankfully, I ended the year with an award and as the world's top wicket taker. That is really why I am leading the meeting today, to let you all know that even when you are deep in pies...there is a smell of hope somewhere.

Everyone claps. Witchy starts to leave and then comes back.

Witchy: I also scored 500 runs BTW. See, I am an all-rounder after all.

Silence. Witchy walks off uncomfortably. An annoyed man comes to the stage next.

Man 2: Hi my name is Durby and I am a pie chucker.

Everyone: Hi Durby.

Durby: See, I came into cricket to be a pie chucker. I never had any aspirations for anything else. Sure, I pretended to be useful and good once upon a time, but to take advantage of the system you have to be in the system first. So I sealed my position in the team and then started chucking. Witchy resisted it, which is why he fell on and off the wagon. Me, I just let it drip through my nerves to my fingers and fire. Chuck, chuck, chuck. Oh, I love the sound of that. My aim is to be the king of pie chuckers. Sometimes I may get some wickets and beat the batsman, but that's only to ensure that I am never dropped from the team. I am attending this meeting to let you know that there is NOTHING wrong with chucking my friends.Specially when you are overseas where they naturally fear you because you are a spinner from India. I'm telling you folks, when you are deep in pies, it is soft and wonderful.

Some cheer guiltily, others boo half-heartedly. But the meeting is done for this week. Next week we meet some more of our fellow chuckers. Now onto the refreshments table where we are serving...apple pies!


Vim said...

Even weirder than his usual pie-chucking is how little of it Witchy has done in the last two matches. He'll burst in the third and pepper the sight screen on the full, I am sure.

raj said...

Top stuff Purna. I love the fact that 'Durby' is becoming popular now.

achettup said...

I'm glad someone said it! Johnson has to have one of the weirdest actions in fast bowling, and his stock seems to be this wide rubbish away from the right handers. The less said about Durby and his 3/4ths the better.

straight point said...

'chuck' de phatte purna!!

i 'chuck'led reading it...

jhonson's bowling crap and still in the team tells more of oz drought of bowling talent then his coz he was always like this...

while the case with durby (thanks raj) is different... he is mate (and now partner) with our captain who just don't wanna look beyond him...

raj said...

achettup, I have been really wondering about Johnson's success. I see his bowling on Television, and I am convinced he bowls crap mostly yet he returns with a good bag of wickets all the time. I just go back convinced that wee bit that this chap must have some talent. Yet, next time I see him bowling, the same doubts crop up again. Is he some sort of an improved version of Ajit Agarkar?

Vim said...

Don't try and work it out, as an Aus fan, I mainly get confused when he bowls well as he so rarely does.

For entire games he doesn't look international class, but he always seems to take wickets no matter how he bowls.

Wes playforcountrynotforself said...

"Specially when you are overseas where they naturally fear you because you are a spinner from India."

Ahahah mea culpa. I'm trying to quit.

Leela said...


Purna said...

Vim, he actually did chuck yesterday. That's when I thought of the post.

Raj, I will not rest till Durby becomes his international identity. With credits to you of course.

Ach, Aussies say it all the time.

SP, haha. well done, again.

Wes & Leela, :)