"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Captain Wimp

I have come to the conclusion with a heavy heart that Bangladesh's premium fast bowler is a wimp of epic proportions. Think James Cameron movies, intergalactic wars, a special part of Pamela Anderson's body.

At the mere mention of captaincy, he contracted a fever. On the day of their flight to New Zealand. But before that, evidently, Mashrafe had already opted himself out of the one test they are scheduled to play against the Kiwis.

"Mashrafe Mortaza has told the BCB he doesn't want to captain the team in New Zealand because he is returning home after the one-dayers"- according to Crapinfo.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? How does the friggin' captain get to opt himself out of a test if he is fit? 

It's not like he has much to do. Nod yes to Shakib's field changes, lead the bowling attack like he used to before, tell Crashraful he has been dropped and give Jamie Siddons a massage once in a while. What is so hard about this? Whatever plans he comes up with, the players will take matters in their own hands at some point in the game and fuck up.

I think it's time I captain Bangladesh.

Here they come

Dale borrowed his hands from Arnold Schwarzenegger

Jakes said bye to his love

...and AB interrupted them!

Shamone wouldn't leave Jakes alone

 
And neither would Bouchie

No one came to see Morne off

Wayne is Dale's new grandchild, helping him get through old age

The love-struck, arthritis-struck, lonely, jealous, terminator boys are ready. BRING IT ON INDIA!

Because Newton didn't eat the apple

Think about it. If Newton had just looked at the bloody apple and thought "Oooh food", generations of poor students wouldn't have had to go through the torture of learning about gravity. Including me.

Shahid Afridi bit the bloody ball. Now instead of ruining their brains with big text books, generations of physics students will go on youtube to watch the video and feel better about their small brains.

Microbiology students will write their theses on the number of bacteria, fungi and virus that now reside inside Afridi's mouth in a complex symbiotic relationship that may or may not give rise to a whole new class of microorganisms. Some of them flesh eating.

Most importantly, the next generation of Pakistanti cricket players will be inspired to come up with innovative ideas to tamper with the ball. Afridi merely took the brave fall of the first try. Others will learn from this and succeed. Maybe rub the ball against their stuble or sneez into it to give it shine.

So why make fun of the guy who bit into something red and round in clear sight of the whole world, to give us many happy hours? No, no, no. Mourn that Newton didn't do the same.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

The interim coach

Let's get to know him. We will talk a lot of shit about him pretty soon after all. Or maybe we will praise him to the skies. Probably the latter, since he is determined to turn his interim status into a permanent one.

He was one of the unforunate ones during the apartheid that lost out on international exposure and hence never got to grow. What am I saying? There are many of him. But he is special, because his parents must have foreseen their son never making it big in cricket. Otherwise they would never have given him a name that makes him sound like a D-grade stage performer. If you haven't figured it out yet, I have a problem with parents giving their children crappy names. I don't care what you say, it's borderline child abuse.

He has also successfully coached the Diamond Eagles to six club titles. That team's current captain is Hendrik Human Dipenaar. Who you ask? He is better known as Boeta Dipenaar. Ring a bell now? No? I thought so.

Other than that, he once had very questionable hair.


I had once wondered what Shrek would look like with locks. I don't anymore.

Anyway, back to Corrie. From the little information I could gather these are his characteristics: determined, funny name, good record, unlucky and follicularly cursed.

I think this is Mickey Aurthur in disguise.

Ashy P

Pee on the Ashes was Man-of-the-Match at the MTN40 final for the Warriors. Not by some fluke, he actually scored 128 runs. I would say it's not surprising, considering the only national level bowler I recognize in the opposition is Andrew Hall. But that could just be me and the fact that I don't live in a cricket mad nation. Tragedy of my life, but I'll tell you about that some other time.

This award means he will surely open in India. I am not amused.

He could be back in form or he could just be having a good day. Either way, what does batting for 40 overs in a completely different pitch have anything to do with Tests in India? Saffa interim coach Corrie, who has a very unfortunate name, has pinpointed him as a primary concern. Evidently, he will let Ashy P play where he wants, which means he will probably bat at 5 or 6.

So who will open? Neil McKenzie is no longer available. He has signed with Hampshire as a Kolpak. KP will be very happy that he can speak Afrikaans with someone other than Trotty who probably carries out different rituals before opening his mouth.

So that leaves us with Hash, which is a bad idea. As much I love him, he has a tendency to get out early in difficult conditions. They can't get Alviro Petersen to open in the tests, because that will mean dropping somebody. That somebody will have to be Ashy P, who just scored 128 runs and won the finals for his domestic team. 

My Herschelle will be watching all this on television and shaking his head. I will join him.

Get published!

No seriously. It's Jrod's idea. A fab idea, I must say. Here's the link:

http://cricketsadistsmonthly.wordpress.com/2010/01/28/submissions/

You don't have to be a blogger, you don't even have to be a professional. But I suspect you have to be good. Slightly. And there is not money for your time and efforts. But when you get to write about cricket, who cares about money?

I don't think you will find another magazine where you have nobody restricting your creativity with 'guidelines'. So go ahead. Have fun.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The height of diplomacy

An official statement has been made by the men who matter. Much to eveybody's disappointment, there was no fight and no gang-like threat from the senior members of the team. It was a simply a case of different views and Mickiness felt that he could not continue to be a part of the team.

I would have believed that, but then this picture came up.



Sitting next to each other like amiable friends..LAUGHING about a resignation! C'mon! Who else thinks the Buffalo is holding a gun under the table?

Whether it's true or not, let's just take it and move on. Big tour coming up fellows, no time to waste on who did what to who. It happened, there's no changing it. Focus on India please.

Speaking of India, who gave Michael Vaughan the right to tip Kirsten as the next coach? Fucking mind your own business you old fart!

The plot thickens

Mike Procter and his merry men have been sacked. I want to do a little dance but it's really late here. Maybe tomorrow.

I am happy about the fact that Procter is gone. He is the fucking idiot that dropped Morne in the beginning of the season and kept Makhaya for the second test. Or was it CSA's quota policy that he was following? Something tells me we will never know.

Or maybe we will, if the interim selection panel magically brings Makhaya back in the squad. In which case who do we talk to to fire Gerald Majola? It might not happen, but it's good to keep a back up plan for everything. And a backup-backup plan. Meaning if there is nobody who can fire Majola we will need to kidnap Makhaya and send him off to Brazil. For his own good.

A part of me thinks they were fired for KEEPING Makhaya in the second test. That move had fucking politics written all over it. Then of course the utterly nonsense decisions to exclude Wayne Parnell and Morne Morkel from the ODI's against England, not picking Alviro Petersen or Loots Bosman for the Champions Trophy when Hersch was injured (weren't you surprised when these two came out of nowhere against England and did well?), the injustice done with Friedel de Wet etc.

What I don't understand is why everyone is so upset about this. Have you people not realized the Saffers were becoming so predictable a toddler could crawl all over them? Or are you still thinking about 2008? Hello, this is 2010. There was a year in between where the Saffers were T-E-R-R-I-B-L-E. And their strategy still sucks in the ODIs. Arthur, Procter and the gang had their contracts till the 2011 World Cup. If they hadn't been sacked now, that would have been another disastrous campaign.

They would have lost/drawn in India with or without Mickey and his safe tactics. It's not so bad. Trust me.

Don't dance Tamim



Your team is shit. Just not any type of shit. Absolutely top class shit. Shit that is so rare and so good that you can only buy it in a dark alley from a hooded man with grills.

Seven wickets for twenty two runs on a lifeless pitch. How does Bangladesh do it? Only they know.

Jamie Siddons should just consider shooting them. Not my son though. Note, he remained not out. Not that it matters, but he is my son after all.

Tamim played really well, but when the rest of the team lose their wickets like that who is noticing his 151? No one really.

I feel I deserve some credit. Avid supporter of Bangladesh and South Africa and yet to lose my sanity.That's gotta be worth some trophy. Preferably an ICC one. 

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Mickey-the true story

Once upon a time there was a man name Mickey.



All Mickey wanted to do was find the love of his life. He went from places to places, year after year, looking for him. But he never came. Then one day he got offered a a job that required him to be in the same change room with 11 other men. Mickey was excited. Surely, he will find THE ONE amongst them? Hence, Mickey walked in to the change room the first day nervous and shaky. Upon entering he heard a voice say,

"Aah look, the new coachie is here".

Even before he saw the face, the voice had bowled him over. Mickey was a nervous wreck by now. He knew, he knew that his time has come.



And thus Mickey happily accepted the job, spending his days looking at Biff. Giggling, laughing, jumping into the waters of Sydney for him...thinking Biff felt the same. Biff certainly pretended to. But there were dark forces around them. Dark forces that were using Biff to get their opinions across as they were not captaining the side, although both came very close. They just never wanted it officially. Takes too much time away from the hot girlfriend and the adoring fans on the official website.


We have him wrapped around our fingers...

Poor Mickey was completely oblivious to the fact that even though he was coach, the national team was run by one Buffalo, one wicket keeper with dreamy eyes and one formerly fat man with a receding hairline. And that they latter two would turn his beloved against him.



What else could Mickey have done? Biff ditched him at the mere hint of power and Jackiepoo and Bouchie are difficult to push over. As big as Mickey is. So before the tabloids found out about his failed love affair, he quit.

He blamed Biff in the process, but that was expected. It's a lover's spat after all.

Ageless Afridi

My mother, who has no interest in cricket whatsoever, suddenly noticed Shahid Afridi on television today and was amazed that he was still playing. She knows Afridi because when I was young, older girls were crazy about him. Don't ask me why. I never saw what they saw, neither did my mother.

But she did know that Afridi should be of an age of partial retirement, if not completely gone from cricket. So I looked up his age, very sure that he was at least 32. But apparently, the man hasn't even hit his 30's yet. Mesmerized, I did a quick calculation.

When I was nine, Shahid Afridi was seventeen.
When I was ten, Afridi was seventeen.
And when I was eleven, Afridi was still seventeen.

This is how the eight years difference between us had been reduced to six. But I have some serious doubts about whether he was in fact seventeen the first time, in which case he should be at least 34.

But his body doesn't show it. Not a big surprise there, as he doesn't play tests. Regardless, it's freaking hilarious and such an 'aging woman with layers of makeup in denial' thing to do. At only seventeen too.

He seems to have celebrated his seventeenth birthday three years in a row in an attempt to appear young and play cricket for as long as he can. But then there is the beard in all its Pantene glory, making him look older. So he keeps the numbers low, but the looks wrinkled? Where is he going with this fucked up logic? Enigma? Honey, believe it or not, the world can do math.
Like they can tell you just by looking at your face that you will be bald by the time you are 36, which is in two years if we are to go by your real age. Then people will just call you a 32 year old baldy. Didn't think this through did you Boom Boom?

Needless to say Imran Khan is not pleased with Afridi's ageist behaviour.

No more Mickiness

BAHAHAHAHA! I am laughing because I am still undecided as to whether this is a good or bad thing. And when I am in doubt, I laugh.

Obviously the fat-headedness of Mickey and Biff has been talked about again and again since the beginning of the season. Turns out the two heads themselves have been clunking together and have "deteriorated irreparably". As if they were in working conditions before.

The real test of team leaders and management come when the team is going through a slump. The Saffers started this slump from the T20 semi-finals and haven't quite come out of it yet. Instead of being smart and getting the team through this, Buffalo and Mickiness have been bickering like an old couple. Happens. When the team is winning no one will question you. But when the team is down, things get tougher and that's when you show your real character. Mickey's real character is that of a tabloid queen. You see the problem?

Now that I think about it, I am partially leaning towards this being a good thing. Sure, the team will have to get used to a new coach while playing an important series but it's always better to have one half brain at the head as opposed to two. Specially if they can't be joined because of hate rays being emitted towards the other.

Rumour has it that Mike Procter might also get the sack. If Gerald Majola can get rid of Mickey, Vincent Barnes and Procter in the same week, I will give him a cookie. A big one. With ice cream on top. And fudge, lot's of fudge.

Sorry, got distracted there. But that's gotta be the world's best incentive. Somebody email Majola and let him know.

Bye Mickey. We won't miss you.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Cooky and Belly take charge

A new article from Alan Tyers. I founded his fanclub remember? You should join.

I love Bell's picture there. Look at him strutting his stuff like he is some brave little leprechaun. Yes, he can turn into a leprechaun from a sensitive flower anytime. He is Samantha the witch after all.

Is Ian Bell really Mascaraman's vice-captain? With this hair?



Something about Bell's hair makes me want to pull them out one by and display it as art on my roof...all the while hoping that crows come and snatch them away. Is it just me or does he make you this violent too?

Shahadat hurts Dravid

I am a vicious woman, as you all no doubt know by now. So I took a lot of pleasure in learning that an Indian batsman had to retire hurt because he was bludgeoned by a Bangladeshi fast bowler. I jumped up and down and tried to remember the last time a Bangladeshi quickie had acheived this feat. I have come to the conclusion that this is the first time. Unless it happened before I was born.

I eagerly sat down to watch the highlights and almost sweated in ancitipation. Was it a 160mph shocker from someone? Who was it? Where did it hit the batsman? Was their blood?

To my utter dismay, the ball was a miserable 128 and came from the man with strange brains, Shahadat Hossain. Dravid thought it would bounce some more and thus ducked too much. Consequently the ball hit him under his ear.

No blood.
No broken jaws.
Just a tired Dravid wanting to go back to the change room under any pretences. Who knows if the Deshis will even pick up his wicket any time soon? He needs a rest and a nice massage if possible.
Yawn.

I thought Shahadat Hossain had guts when I saw him bowl in the first test. But if you can't even fucking hurt a batsman intentionally, what's the point of having guts? Hang them up you loser! And go take some lessons from Kemar Roach!

I don't understand why my BD boys are so nice. Maybe they are trying really hard to balance me out...

Breakfast in Brisbane

What is the best way to make heart diseases acceptable in society? It's simple really. Have local superstars hand it to you for free.



I mean let's face it. If Michael freaking Clarke is handing you freaking hot dogs for breakfast to launch some ODI series, you would take it. Even if he hasn't cooked it himself. Or maybe he did. He does live with Lara Bingle after all.

But that's not all. The national captain is also there, signing autographs along with the crappy Michael. So what if he can't play a pullshot anymore? He can certainly pull the fans to a heart-attack fest. Young ones too.



The idea is to fatten them up and hope they become the next Shane Warne. Just in case Nathan Hauritz breaks down and the original Warne can't see his own feet. Or anything else in the lower region of his body.

But it is not all gloom and doom as they say, because there are balloons. Lots and lots of balloons sprouting out of the bodies of the Captain and Vice-Captain. And balloons, we all know,  has the power to make light of every situation. No matter how much they weigh.



Australia's life-long search for a fat spinner continues. If you were not able to make it to this breakfast but carry the required weight, grab a balloon and make your way to Cricket Australia's office. Even Ozland's PM will welcome you with open arms.

Don't worry about the doosra. That will come as the fingers swell up with pure fat.

AB has a flaw

And it's not his singing! I kid you not!

At the MTN40 semi-finals this year the Titans lost to the Dolphins unexpectedly. AB, who plays for the Titans, made a crucial 50 and then ran himself out.

Where have you seen that before? That's right! Against England. Except AB ran the other batsman out. Twice.

He runs like a maniac is chasing him to chop his hair off and sell it on ebay. It doesn't matter who the other batsman is. AB likes to run, the other man must run as well. Problem is, sometimes the other batsman is Graeme Smith, who runs like a binge-eater about to go regurgitate one of the many the buffalo tails he had for lunch.

Then sometimes the batsman is Faf du Plessis, who inexplicably falls down while trying to turn around for the second run, as was the case in this game. He reached the crease comfortably and then he fell. Just smack on the ground under the weight of his poodle-like name.

AB had his eyes fixated on the ball, like the good fielder he is and calmly jogged down the pitch reminiscent of Super Mario.

"Tootootoo tootootootootoo. Hope GQ is noticing my strutt. My side profile is sexy, specially when I am watching the ball. Tootootoo tootootootootoo. "

Poor Faf was lying flat on the ground. By the time AB saw it, it was too late.

I am very tempted to say that Faf orchestrated this run out to tarnish AB's perfect reputation and the Titans should really sue his parents for not teaching their son how to turn around and stand. But I fear it is a defect in AB's genes and it is in the form of Owhy Shah.

Methinks we need to put AB under some serious radiation, till the run out gene mutants the fuck out of itself and eventually disappears. AB and flaw? They don't even rhyme! Neither does AB's song, but who is listening to that? Not me.

However, we are all watching him run. And it's not at all amusing to watch him run himself or others out at crucial times. It's not in style AB and it will never be. Stop it. Now!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Of numbers

Yesterday, in the wild caves of SCG Twatto went bollocks and scored a breezy 69. I can now digress completely from the cricket and make very obvious jokes about that being the total number of positions in Twatto's favourite game- stylish ways of racing to the change room when you are about to make a hundred.

But I am not. I am instead going to draw your attention to what Twatto did when he realized that someone else in the waters of Mirpur had the exact opposite numbers. Mahmudullah was on 96 against the Indians in Bangladesh and had just dragged his team from another artistic 106/6 to 233/9.

I must tell you that Twatson's radar is like a minx, always turned on but seriously up and running at the mere hint of the 90's. He also listens to the Backstreet Boys. Don't ask me how I know that. I just do and I now I must bathe in holy water. If it will take me.

Anyway, so obviously Twatto's radar twitched and let him know that a young Bangladeshi promising all-rounder was about to make his maiden century, and he wasn't even nervous, or standing wide eyed at the crease as if he had just finished counting the number of hair on Ricky Ponting's hands. Worse, the 23 year old Deshi was playing a test.

"Fuck no"! Said Twatto. "Get him out. C'mon my Indian brothers. I will elbow you know more".

It didn't work, because nobody likes Shane Watson. He is neither Hayden or Gilchrist. And they are already suffering from massive strokes having welcomed those two in their bosoms.

So Twatto signalled another to hater, Durbhajan Singh.

Durby entered, Durby bowled and Durby got the other batsman out. Yes, evidently Twatto is smart enough to realize that there was another batsman on the pitch with Mahmudullah. Maybe he has enrolled himself in the Simon Katich school of fucking Twatto look at the other end.

And so Mahmudullah was left stranged on 96. Just because Twatto go out on 69. India were also inspired by Twatto and finished the day on 69/0.

You would think those are the only numbers in the world.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Parnell 610

If somebody asked me, how much are you worth, in true mastercard style I would have said priceless. But really, I am worth a few decimal points short of five hundred dollars. It's why the IPL would never buy me. They can't afford anything that is this cheap.

But that's just the price I put on myself. Other people will probably set a lower one for me. But not for Wayne Parnie Parnell. His base price was set at $100,000. Imagine, you are 20 and people believe your limbs and brain put together to produce a skill, is worth $100,000. And it doesn't end there. You are actually fought over and bought for $610,000. That's actually about 10,000 more than what Jennifer Lopez' butt is insured for. True story.

I have mixed feelings about auctions. The concept of watching people whore you out...and being excited about it. How every strange. But shit 20 and 610K! Those are numbers that make people go FUCK! And then silence. What else will you say to that?

So what now? Parnie is in both the national teams and worth a staggering amount. Girls want to throw themselves at him and men want to hang out with him. Both to spend his money of course but who cares? He has it. He has them in a vault the size of your house. And he is not even some record breaking fast bowler yet.

Maybe Parnie should buy a country. How much is a country worth? An island then? Or every fucking fast bowling legend, so he can learn all the tricks of the trade.

How much do you think he will be worth then?

Saffers go to India

To take on the team who took the numero uno status from them. The Incessant Crack Consumers give these titles out, so who really cares? Except we all do and so do they. Nobody's buying this "they are just stats" bullshit, so stop selling.

I already see problems with the squad. Paul Harris and Johan Botha are in the test team as specialist spinners.But if not them, who else you ask? Well...nobody. That's how sad the situation is. I had once written about how ROFL and Botes had finally become spinners and it wasn't a seasonal thing etc.etc. Turns out I should learn to shut my pie hole. And Botha should find a way to be effective without the doosra.

But you got to make do with what you have right? So here's the way to deal with Paul Harris. Send him off on a tour of India on foot. Tell him he should be back in time for the first test. Except he won't. And you will at least have put in a decent performance. Well, as decent as you can with a man who hasn't played tests since 2008. And JP Duminy.

MY HERSCHELLE IS BACK! Who doubted him again? Show your face so I can smash it into pieces!
(He will play right Mickey...?)

Anyway, here are the squads:
Test squad Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Johan Botha, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Paul Harris, Jacques Kallis, Ryan McLaren, Morne Morkel, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Ashwell Prince, Dale Steyn, Lonwabo Tsotsobe.

ODI squad Graeme Smith (capt), Loots Bosman, Johan Botha, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, JP Duminy, Herschelle Gibbs, Jacques Kallis, Albie Morkel, Morne Morkel, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Dale Steyn, Lonwabo Tsotsobe, Roelof van der Merwe.

Of course, despite all odds being against them I am hoping the Saffers win and Harro has a good tour. If Hauritz can do it Harro so can you. YES YOU CAN!

But in all honesty, I am really hoping AB de Villiers releases a chart-topping single with Asha Bhonsle. AB, you can also do it.

House warming

The reason behind Crashraful's hair tearing form is now clear. He has been planning the biggest career move of his life.

He bought a house. But that's not it. He was planning the perfect house warming, an event where batting legend Sachin Tendulkar and slapmaster Durbhajan Singh were to attend.



Clearly preparing this feast has been the main focus of his mind for the past years. What do you feed Sachin Tendulkar after all? How do you even decorate the house for him?

I would say put lots of pictures of fast bowlers crying. He would like that. And feed him everything in the country of course. I see fish, rice, chicken, beef, water, pepsi...good going Crashraful. You even got the Mumbai Indians to sponsor this dinner.

Look at how upset Durby is about not getting the fish from Crashraful. Chill dude. He probably has Sreesanth as entertainment later. Sreesanth will give you a lap dance.

Hey Sachin, teach him how to use his brain in return okay? The guy went through so much trouble for you, planning this shit for years. Stuff you till you blow up all over the place. What's for dessert Raful? Surely cake in the form of cricket balls.

Raful just enrages me, but if you look at it from a slightly sane perspective that is not such a shabby dinner party. I mean, how cool would it be to have Sachin Tendulkar at your house warming? Even if you are not a fan.

Raful has finally inspired me to do something. When I buy my first house I'm getting Jacques Kallis to cut the ribbon. Think I should have some extra food in the fridge?

Friday, January 22, 2010

Love Pasta?



You might want to rethink that because Shane Watson looks like one. An angry one. Or maybe the pasta is angry because he has just realized that Twatto looks like him. Regardless, the pasta is golden as is Shane Watson. His hair puts the sun to shame, his batting techniques are pure class and his bowling tends to be threatening. How exactly we don't know, or care. But just like we love our pasta cooked, we love it when Shane Watson has put himself in hot water. Man of the series? No siree! Get the fuck out in the 90's and piss off a big West Indian man. That's they wat we like our golden boy. Why exactly? Again, we don't know. Or care.
-Sent in by Wes

Think a cricketer looks like something edible? Send in the photos at cricketminded@gmail.com and tell us why!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My son

My child Mushfiq-ur Rahim is so chirpy on the field, he makes the Aussies look like a quiet bunch.

His size is miniature, kind of like what an ant would look like under a microscope. That's how tiny he is.

That dude, who may or may not be legal (As a mother, it is my duty to remember his average over his age), attempted to save Bangladesh from major embarassment. With a century.

We have embarassed ourselves so many times, we are practically immune to it. But after a first day that nearly drove the Deshis themselves to life-long coma, we had hoped that we would at least lose this with our heads held high. We collapsed in the first innings and tried too many things in the second. At one point, Shahadat Hossain bowled a yorker so slow, I thought I was in a twilight zone where time had stopped. The ball was promptly sent to the boundary by the Indian batsman.

Fifth day, turning wicket, Amit Mishra and chasing 414. What could we have done? Oh I know! Support Mushfiq in both the innings while he batted his heart out to save the game. It was not to be.

After the first day I had wondered whether it was too early to be proud of Bangladesh. It was. But not too early to be proud of my child. Oh yes, that "Fuck you all, I want to bat" attitude, he gets that from me.

Not his tiny frame though. That he gets from his Daddy.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

It has happened

Mascaraman is officially leading England against Bangladesh. If I was a kind person I would have said that ECB have finally shoved their heads up their asses. But I am not. So my opinion on this is that England tried to walk after shoving their heads up their asses. During the walk, they rolled down a hill, hit a car and permanently damaged their brains.

Then they decided Alastair Cook should be captain.



Oh I laughed so hard! Mascaraman can't even decide which shots to play to which ball but evidently he knows the game well enough to decide on field placings for five days.

Hello, England. He was captain in a four hours match remember? If I may be so bold to say so, it did not go very well. Or so we thought. You seem to have watched a different match.

Resting Strauss seems to give the impression that Bangladesh is not an important tour. I have written about it before and I was freaking angry...obviously. But never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagined that the ECB would actually fuck up as badly as making Mascaraman captain. Darlings, Shakib may be new, but he is far more intelligent than that Rimmel loving she-man. And we are not making Crashraful captain again. Because...umm..we have players with leadership qualities!

Whatever. They can use us as their lab if they want. We are not going to sit here and bring the house down with our words. England can send their F team for all we care. Just remember that we don't have pitches that will help Stuart Broad and our strength is our spinners.

Bangladesh may not win this, but if England think this is going to be easy, insects have been eating on their brain. The same insects then produced sticky webs to prevent the brain from functioning properly. And of course, their heads are still shoved up their backsides.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

IPL3

Let me remind you again that Kemar Roach is my new obsession.

Before him it was Fidel Edwards but he has been missing for a while now. I have put ads on every milk bottle available in West Indies. Hopefully the gap in his teeth will seek it out and return. 

Kemar Roach was bought by the Deccan Chargers at IPL3. I started watching IPL from the second season where I got bored half-way through. So I am no IPL expert and I only half care about BRC and Deccan Chargers because of the Saffers. Sometimes when I remember Albie's one hit wonder, literally, I watch Chennai too. But not for long because M.S. Dhoni leads to nightblindess in Canada.

I desprately want Ashraful and Mortaza out of Mumbai and KKR. Thankfully, Shakib has not been added to this list as he went unsold again, probably because of his international commitments. I think he would have been available for only like four games. But this is just a theory as again, I don't know much about the IPL.

But I do know about Kemar Roach.
Kemar Roach likes to hurt hairy goblins.
Kemar Roach likes to bowl fast in the hopes that the ball will actually kill somebody.
Kemar Roach then smiles, like a sweet little assassin.
Kemar Roach is a direct descendant of Walsh and Ambrose.
Kemar Roach is only 21.

I have said Kemar Roach about eight times in this article. It is intentional.

Definition of an all-rounder

It is imperative that I tell you, because people seem to be suffering from bouts of dementia when they come across this word. It's very, very simple.

Picture a sale, where you find the perfect pair of shoes. You have been looking for them all your life. You can't believe you have been walking all these years without them. The price is also perfect. And then you see it. "Buy one get one free".

But the shoe that you get free is of lesser quality. You will wear it once, wince in pain and put it away. Some months later you will try it again, pain still there but a little abated. You try it again and again because really, who wants to keep free stuff tucked away? Eventually it will stop hurting and then it's like the shoes were a part of your feet.

Now look at this picture:



With these men, you get a lot of things free. Sanex products, differently styled glasses and children's novels to name some. Oh, I know what you will say. You get similar things free with the new 'all-rounders' as well.

Broady offers his bad manners and bottled up puberty to anyone who gives a shit about him.
Witchy Mitchy has his horrifying bowling action and his mother to give away as fast as a Karate chop.
Durbhajan Singh has a Hummer that he will throw at your face with great fervor anytime, as long as the Hummer is to be driven on a flat track.
Even Paul Harris has smiles to give for free. He has to. Nobody wants his bowling, even when it is free.
So that makes them all-rounders.

But friends, you forgot to note one critical point. These things must come free, ALL THE TIME. Broad sometimes grows a beard, Witchy loves his mum, Durbhajan takes the Hummer back and Harris frowns. Jakes will give you a Sanex deodrant anytime. Even if you don't stink.

Showing hints of free products at one sale and not in the next three also disqualifies you from being an all-rounder. Unless you are injured, also all the time. Then we don't really know but we pretend to agree with you because you might sit on us and crush us.



So to recap, we like free stuff and it must be given to us consistently. We also like the perfect shoe and at no point are willing to sacrifice it for the free things. If you have just started to give us both we will take it, but we will not be convinced of your abilities till you have done it for at least a few years.

In conclusion, everybody wants to be an all-rounder. Doesn't fucking mean you are one. Get over it.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

T4D4: Morne, draw and some more fridge

I have an important question: what is the exact definition of infidelity? If I have Morne's babies and keep on thinking about Dale the whole time, does it make me an infidel? Because I need to have Morne's babies now. It's not even a wish, a dire need, not for me but for South African cricket. If I have 4 kids with Dale and 4 with Morne, that's four generations of dangerous opening bowlers for the Saffers. One or two of them might even blog badly. Regardless, We don't have to cry for the Donald-Pollock days, EVER. So is infidelity really bad when it's for the greater good?

Other than the fact that the Morne-Steyn combo has finally arrived after a long, long wait for Saffa fans (since Allan's retirement to be exact) another piece of history has been made in this fourth test. It rained...AND THE SAFFERS STILL WON! Bet you didn't realize that eh? 

I am slightly sad that this series is over but so god damn relieved that the Saffers levelled! However, I don't think they should be all that happy. They drew. Against England. At home. They should have fucked up the Pommies so bad they would never ever have wanted to return to Saffaland. Instead fucking England proved to be a resilient side. I think it's the South African tea. I'll say it. England... played... well... FUCKERS!

Of course some very dodgy selection decisions and Paul Harris helped. Paul, as much as I like you...fuck you! Just a little. You are South African after all.

Ryan can bat and JP can spin. So what happens to Paul now? Actually what happens to JP? He can get wickets yes, but tiny man...you...ARE A BATSMAN! At least that's what we thought! There's some talk about him being an all-rounder. Umm...NO. Failing with one and doing well with another in a test does not make him an all-rounder. Jakes seriously needs to put that definition on a t-shirt and wear it.

All-rounder: JACQUES FUCKING KALLIS. Dumbasses.

Graeme Swann and Bouchie-the man won man of the series. I thought Paul Collingwood deserved it more than Swannyg66. This is not spurred by my dislike for Swann. Think about it. Had Colly's innings not moved at the pace of a turtle at Centurion and Cape Town, there would have been ample time to get that fucker Onions. Even with Makhaya bowling.

Speaking of Makhaya, his fridge seems to have given birth to three more. CSA didn't want to pay for their food and electricity, so gave them to Jakes, Ashy P and Bouch. Ashy P is going to use it to freeze his brain some more.

Lastly, Andrew Strauss got booed for talking about the frustration with the review system. Ricky Ponting is buying the Wanderers crowd beer. Cheers guys!

Look Michael!



Trotty is celebrating with the Saffers again. Write him off with your pen! Traitorous Saffa!

I know I have made a lot of jokes about KP and Trotty being to chummy with their former countrymen but has anybody realized that they both were very, very subdued through the whole series? Specially KP, who made no runs AND misfielded horrendously throughout.

He misfielded thrice when a Protea batsman was about to reach some milestone. One of them was Jacques Kallis and the other two times it was Mark Boucher.

Those two are also KP's closest friends in the Saffa team. I know I sound like Michael Vaughan right now, but I have no book coming out and neither do I have any hair products to sell. Something is very wrong with KP. He did not look very interested in the cricket. Instead he made the same rueful face everytime he walked off cheaply. I've seen this face so many times I am beginning to think it's an act.



Not that I give a shit. The reject can go screw himself for all I care. But I'm just saying. The Queen might want to look into this.

Ha, ha, ha.

Ordinary Bangladesh

The Bangladeshi cricket team in Virender Sehwag's dictionary comes under 'O'. There's a picture of some Bangladeshi batsman getting out to yet another short ball. Probably Ashraful. The definition says,

Ordinary: The Bangladeshi cricket team, Viru. Score your triple hundred.

With these words in his heart, Virender Sehwag went out to bat. Brisk fifty. No time to waste. Must make the triple century this tour.

Bangladesh gave away 63 runs in the first 13 overs. Then they went to lunch and found their own dictionary lying around. It read,

Ordinary: What you put in the opposition's food during lunch. Warning: May have laxative-like effects. Batsmen may run back to the change room frequently.

That, I have to tell you was the correct definition. At least for yesterday. Here's some more:

Shahadat Hossain: Full-tosser no more.

Middle Stump: What Rahul Dravid lost to Shahadat. Very violently.

Mushfiq-ur-Rahim: The tiny thing that VVS failed to notice.

Session Two: Where Bangladesh were 'Ordinary' as per the Bangladeshi dictionary.

Bangladesh: In your face...BITCH.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

T4D3: Somebody propose to Bouchie!

Why won't you people marry Mark? He is cute, he is the best wicket keeper in the world and...HE'S FUCKING SAVED SAFFA ASSES FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!

Hash got a good delivery so can't really blame him for that. Jakes made the worse attempt at a pull shot I've ever seen. And I watched Ricky bat during his 209 the other day. Maybe Jakes thinks that if he pulls as badly as Ricky, he too will be given the Player of the Decade Award. Take note Cricinfo.

JP wants to be dropped from the team. He can't carry his secruity blanket around anymore, because people make fun of him but neither can he leave it behind. So, he wants it dropped. It's the only explanation. He also wants to give Swannyg66 a lot of glory. For this, I have disowned him. No more love for you tiny man!

Let's go back to building the case for Mark. He is not getting any younger okay ladies?  This man, spends the whole day in a crouching position and dives more than anybody else in the team. Then he has to run like a mofo because AB the rabbit wants to hop all over the pitch. The important points for you to take note here are crouch, dive and good cardio. For fuck's sakes marry him!

But also know that all of your applications will be reviewed by AB de Villiers. Daryl Harper may or may not be involved, but AB does tend to get his decisions right so don't fret.

I didn't watch the bowling, needed to sleep. But Wayne got his first test wicket (thanks to SarahCanterbury) and Mascaraman has lost his form again. Just in time for Bangladesh. Also, KP and Colly are still there and it WILL rain in the next two days. So don't get too excited. Till all seven are gone at least.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Bad news

Graeme Smith is thin children. Look, he even drinks diet coke.



I had kept on making jokes about his weight till now because I was unsure. But with the diet coke so aptly placed next to his...I'll say it, flat stomach (*boohoo*), who can deny his weight loss?

What now? How will I go through life without his sausage fingers? Jesse Ryder's injured and Kandambi, I like. Yuvi is too easy a target.

Another bad news is that Barbie's shorts are too short and you will now have to behold this horrendous sight.



I apologise. But think of all those people who had to see it up close and personal and bear it for them. Do it for the English player that has to sleep in the same hotel room as Barbie. Do it for mankind.

Again, very sorry.

T4D2: Walking is work

Can you imagine Biff taking off his helmet and gloves and putting one leg in front of the other all the way from the pitch to the pavilion? So many hours before lunch? No thanks, he would rather stay at the crease and smash the ball everywhere.

It's cheeky I know. Personally, I am of the opinion that batsmen should always walk if they know they knicked it. Except, Biff unluckily got out to a no-ball during his 180 in the third test. This time, luck was on his side. So it kind of balances out. And wouldn't we all haved grabbed this opportunity had it been us? Yes, we would have. Don't pretend otherwise.

Also, putting the spotlight on Biff only takes away from the REAL problem in this series...the atrocious umpiring. There have been one disastersous calls after another, sometimes favouring Saffers, sometimes going the English way. So really, it's the Umpires that need to be hurled through a wall, with Daryl Harper opening the ceremony. Maybe we should let Julia Sidebottom go first, he is very good with the throwing.

Why has Julia replaced Onions? He certainly doesn't bowl better than him, as mediocre as Onions is. I am pretty sure his defense isn't as good as Onions' either, with all that hair crying to be freed from underneath the helmet. Sometimes, I forget that there men who are more stupid than Mickey and Procter when making selections. These are the little things that bring a lot of joy in my life.

Anyway, Hash is at it again. I am liking the fact that he is quietly answering his critics. Now all they have to do is post about 250 runs tomorrow...QUICKLY. Then take wickets. And you, Rain or whoever you are, take some sleeping pills and have a rest. Your bladder must have shrunk to a peanut by now.

Good new is Ashy P surpassed his previous best of 16 in this series by a whooping 3 runs. Oh, what do we have here? A 45 in the first test? Damn! His career is saved. Lucky bastard!

Gangsta Yousuf

You have to give it to Pakistan. They never fuck up their performance. The arrive, they slam the ball all over the place, show some promise of patience and then duly collapse. It's like the perfect circus act, only better because each time the batting order finds new ways to entertain the audience.

You know the collapse is coming, but what keeps you interested is how the collapse is coming. Will it be match-fixing? Will it be a rebellion against their captain? Or will it be a simple case of stupidity? They can do it all and more.

Like today, Salman decided to signal 'no run' to Yousuf who had his back to him, instead of screaming it out. I am very tempted to make a butt-to-butt connection joke here, but I am afraid that is just too lame. Even for me. Yousuf got run out and gave Salman a look. A look that inspired the title of this post.

If I had been a commentator on this match I would have done that thing where you go inside a player's head without a magic wand and say what they are thinking. It would have gone like this:

Yousuf: Imma fuck up your life boi. You just watch, your opening days are over.

Salman: How much money will I make if I sell his beard on Ebay? Maybe I should sell it by pound. (Makes a face that looks sheepish but is actually calculating in his mind) If 1 pound is marked for 100PKR...how many pounds does that beard weigh? 5? 10? Where is Yousuf going?

Yousuf: You fucking piece of shit. Imma burn your house down, Imma give you a wedgy...Imma flush your face down the toilet.

Then Salman does the same to Umar. Umar doesn't have a gangsta look, so it's not worth going inside his head. But honestly, why do the Pakistanis have to make the same mistake multiple times before learning their lesson?

Of course Australia is not far behind. Michael Clarke's 'let's leave the ball that will hit the wicket' style outs never fail to amuse me. 166 great runs and then this? Pup, Pup, Pup!

Then of course there is Mitchell Johnson, who continues to bowl pies. Keep it up son. We'll just use them to feed hungry people.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

T4D1: Dale, have my babies

I had a dream before tuning into the game today. I dreamt that South Africa won the toss and the Biff-headed individual decided to bat first, leading to a massacre of Saffa batsmen and a flurry of wickets. Little did I know that my subconscious was already watching the game and feeding me all sorts of wrong information. I think my subconscious may be English...BLASMEPHY!

Anyway, so if you don't want to have Dale's babies after that performance, you are demented...or think Stuart Broad is a bowler. The wicket I enjoyed the most was that of Andrew fucking Strauss. I also briefly contemplated having Amla's children after that catch, but the guy is married. So I will let him be.

Heartbreaker Morne got three, two of which were leg-before. Although one of them was probably a no ball. Barbie was 'astonished' and I think KP called the umpire an asshole. Daryl Harper's family better start saying a prayer for him, he might not be returning home from this tour.

Ryan McLaren replaced Paul Harris. Not a bad idea, but can Ryan McLaren bat? 'Cause Harro can you know...in his own awkward, "I always have a strange smile on my face" way.

Wayne also made his debut and was crap. Had he and Ryan not bowled, the Poms would have been out much sooner. But I grudgingly forgive them because they are debutants after all. However, here is a little something for them to 'grow' in the second innings: "Stick to the basics fuckers, the rest will happen on its own. Have you not watched the Poms bat?"

Prior, KP and Barbie have inspired many shitty kids who now believe they can be selected for the national team despite batting like a bunch of Under12s. Wait, I'm missing one. Oh yes! Fighter Colly Buttniggle. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA.

At this point, I must share with you a line I read somewhere (can't remember where) after the first test. "England only collapse once in every series. This was it and South Africa have failed to capitilize on it". So evidently, what we saw today and in the third test was not a collapse. It's just the English batsmen politely thanking the Saffers for their hospitability over the past few months. How very proper of them!

I am seriously happy with this day. No, the world is not ending. Dale Steyn on top form always gets that reaction from me. I want to share with you my happiness, hence this special picture:


His smile is as horrifying as my happy face...

Of course Ashy P and his high score of 15 are still at the crease and this is a bowling pitch. So tomorrow all this may change. Unless Pee on the Ashes survives Jimmy like he did today.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Drop 'em

Michael Hussey needed to be dropped four times before Pakistan paid for it. How many times do you think Ricky Ponting needs to be dropped for the same thing to happen?

I am guessing one. Which has already happened.



Why? Why should Pakistan take any of the catches when they can look like Jennifer Lopez with a reduced ass? The breeze, the hair over the face, the drops...that's the way to make it big folks. That's how people notice you.

FUCK AAMER! Wear your headband! Screw JLo and bring your inner Richard Simmons out! Or maybe just get a haircut? If it isn't against your moral principles.

While you are at it Pakistan, it would also be nice if you didn't act out parts of 'Three Blind Mice' when you are on the field.



That one at the back is even equipped with sunglasses. They are very dedicated to their drops, these Pakistanis.

Funny Tuffers

I got sent this gem of a video from a Graeme Swann fan. Don't know what he was trying to say, but Phil Tufnell is a funny man.

Maybe, he was just trying to cheer me up in advance in case South Africa lose this. If that's what it is, may the wrath of Allan Donald strike you down my friend!

Check out the video though.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Ritzy muffin



Not in a 'honey bunny' way. Nathan Hauritz resembles an actual muffin. A carrot muffin to be exact. Reason? There is nothing ginger about the carrot muffin and there is nothing 'spinnerish' about Nathan Hauritz. Yet, just like the carrot muffin who has managed to hold its own against the chocolate chips and the blueberries, Ritzy retained his spot in the Aussie test team and managed to even take wickets...when Chris Gayle was not playing. But with new flavours every day, the carrot muffin's woes are never-ending, as are Ritzy's. He continues to be undermined by the opposition...smile, muffin face. At least they still want to bite into you.

Think a cricketer looks like something edible? Send in the photos at cricketminded@gmail.com and tell us why!

Cheer up Kev!



Now you are not the only player in the camp to disappoint England. Monty has arrived. Ravi would have been better, but you will make use of what is given to you.

Why is Monty there? Is Graeme Swann injured? Is he quitting cricket? Am I the next Queen of England?

At least one of those is achievable yes?

Bangladesh bowling

Bangladesh is probably the only international team in cricket right now that can't bowl their fast bowlers a full ten overs. And not just because they lose the game way before the 50 overs are done, but because Shakib and sometimes another spinner bowls 10.

Fine and dandy. The quickies get whacked, Shakib goes to slow shit down. The difference? The other team wins with a minimum 15 balls remaining instead of the average 507.

To be fair, they won the toss only once and elected to bat first like idiots. So we can't really say if the bowling is just that horrible or it's the dew that's deciding the game.

Again, fine and dandy. Doesn't change the fact that we don't have a wicket-taking bowler.

Shakib can't do it all.
The batsmen can't keep on scoring well and then watch their hard work go down the drain.
Then of course there are the days when both Shakib and the batsmen sleep through the whole game.

In all three types of matches, we don't have a single wicket taking bowler. I miss Mortaza so much I wish I could watch him bowl during the death overs.

And my posts on Bangladesh are getting as repetitive as their result.

Also, India is playing Sri Lanka. Again.

I think these two teams are caught in a bizarre cycle formed by the combined efforts of Yuvraj and Kandambi's bellies. Not a very nice place to be in, is it boys?

Get out already. Before you kill us all.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Morne's girlfriend

Morne's girlfriend is one hot babe.

You will like her. She is very much like the perfect models that cricketers tend to date. Except, not really.

She is slim, without really looking it.
She is blond, but most like to describe her as lusty gold.
She makes men weep and laugh in jubilation at the same time. Normally, that woman would have been labelled as a vixen. But it's Morne's girlfriend and people love her.



Since his declaration that he is in a relationship, heartbreaker Morne, as he is supposedly known, has been hitting it off with his girlfriend quite remarkably...about twelve times in three matches to be exact. Once, he went at her for five times, albeit with a night's rest in between.

So we can conclude that this is a successful relationship, one that will survive the test of time, the media, the other WAGS and definitely the gruelling schedule that cricketers have to follow.

But before that happens, a crucial factor needs to be solved. Morne can't seem to connect with her directly and knock her right off her feet. Because that will be like saying the dreaded three words. So far, the connections have happened through an ambiguous route...sometimes even through other men.

However, we need Morne to go all the way. We need Morne to shed his shy nature, his phobia of commitment, his inability to bravely go where many men have gone before.

C'mon Morne, say it. Say 'I love you' and uproot that offstump like you have never uprooted it before. Aim for it. Be brave. Be the perfect lover.

You can do it. You can do it all day.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Andy is upset

Andrew Strauss is reportedly upset about South Africa going to the press with the ball tampering allegations, rather than filing an official complaint.

Broady and Jimmy are also upset and actually said that they were lazy, rather than being 'naughty'.

If they were oh so innocent, wouldn't they have just brushed it off? Why would they admit to being lazy on the day that nearly lost them the test? It was hot you say? So why not stop the ball with the side of his feet, rather than stepping on it?

Barbie honey, your boots have spikes. Do you understand what they do? Maybe if I demonstrate by wearing them and step on your balls, you will have some idea.

And Jimmy was just shining the ball. Lovely Jimmy likes his things neat and clean. And picking at something with your nails shines it brighter than the sun.

Of course I wouldn't have paid attention to any of these had Michael Vaughan not said anything. But he did and I never doubt Michael Vaughan. He speaks the ultimate truth. Like, totally.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Chin and the Pear



Ever wondered why Swann  makes you want to cut him into pieces and eat him alive? It's simple really. He has all the markings of a pear on his face. The same thin top and the disproportionately wide bottom. Swanny has generated much excitement with his bowling lately, much like the pear, which fascinates most with it's odd shape and spotted green exterior. Then as soon as you dissect it, it reveals it's bland, plain interior. Something that is about to happen to Swanny soon when every team dissect his bowling. I wait patiently for that day. For now, fuck you Graeme Swann for making me miserable!

Think a cricketer looks like something edible? Send in the photos at cricketminded@gmail.com and tell us why!

This series will always be grateful to Bolly and his tomato face.

A Canadian in the IPL

Sadly, it's not me.

Evidently, a man from my country of residence has made it to the short list of IPL3. As I am shamelessly oblivious to Canadian Cricket, I had no idea of his existence. But he is a big hitter and holds a record for hitting ten sixes in a T20 tournament. In short, IPL lovers will adore him.

What you guys don't know is that Lalit Modi has drafted him to show the ICC that the IPL can do more for non-test playing nations than regular cricket. It is his continued quest to get T20 to take over the cricket world. Right now, everyone is too overwhelmed by tests and loving every second of it. Lalit can't handle it, it's too much for the ATM machine he calls his heart. So he brings in fresh blood, even if it is frozen.

That Lalit is one clever bastard. And the bastard has also got his hands around Shakib. FUCKING HELL! I have failed to keep my Shakib protected. My only consolation now, will be if he is bought by the Deccan Chargers so my Hersch can keep him safe.

But, even after all this, I am happy for Cheema because he is a Torontonian. I hope he sets Lalit's money-making ass on fire with his big-hitting. With the Toronto Raptors, Toronto Maple Leafs and Toronto Blue Jays around, god knows we need someone to be doing well in sports.

For your information those are our Basketball, Hockey and Baseball teams and they all suck. Big time.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Bowling changes?

Friedel de Wet is injured, so Parney has been called up. AGAIN. Why? I mean, I am thrilled for you kiddo but this is five days cricket. And a very, very important one. Not exactly the best time to see whether Parney has it in him.

But if Friedel absolutely needs to be replaced, Parnie might be the only way to go. Or Tsotsobe. At this point, there is no difference between the two when it comes to Test cricket.

Imran Tahir has also been called up. He is a leggie. Not a Saffa one, a Pakistani one. I have never seen him play but he has got to be better than a Saffa 'spinner' right? More attacking for sure.

But Harro gets wickets. And it is a bit panicky to drop a wicket-taking bowler for an untried one when it's a question of only one wicket, isn't it? At least that's what I think.

Then again, I also thought this was JP's year. So maybe, my thoughts mean shit all.

I think.

Bangladesh continue their losing streak

You know how this is going to go. Bangladesh win/lose the toss. They bat. They start off brilliantly, then collapse.

The opposition team starts off brilliantly as well, but they don't collapse.

Bangladesh bowls 7-8 bowlers. Nothing changes. Sometimes one may get a wicket, but that's about it. The bowling massacre continues.

Supporters get frustrated with the team. Jamie Siddons asks them to have patience as the team is still growing. Fair point, but are they aiming to be Yao Ming? Because that's kind of steep.

Teams cancel their tours saying players need to rest. Or they send Alastair Cook as captain to try and convince the world that he can do it.

He succeeds. England cries.

The team morale is down so BCB calls Zimbabwe. Zimbabwe takes the next plane to Bangladesh. Then they convince some other teams to come. They duly arrive because some big series is coming up. And it's time they overtake their previous best performance.

The cycle repeats itself.

You don't have to win, just put up a better performance. Batting collapses are our forte, but can we maybe keep this one wrapped in a box and buried six-feet under for ONE match?

All I am asking is for them to fire as a unit. In both departments. Surely they only need to grow to be Allen Iverson for that to happen?

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Paul Harris and doorknobs

Can Paul Harris turn a doorknob?

An important question, asked by a spectator at Newlands. Harris answered by taking Andrew Strauss out in the over.

"Yes fucker, I can turn a doorknob".

Go back to Durban. The doorknob swung Paul around and flung him to a corner, where he weeped like a little baby.

But also go back a little further to Centurion. He banged open the door without turning the doorknob. Again and again. Just went straight through it, till it broke.

This match, sometimes he banged and sometimes he turned. Neither got him the win. He was overplayed by at least two overs, when JP had been turning the doorknob much more smoother than him.

Yet, it is hard to criticize a man that continues to take wickets for the Saffers in the disguise of a spinner. I mean, he is a Saffa 'spinner' for fuck's sakes! What more did you expect from him?

Will he last? Probably not. Will he continue to mysteriously get wickets at the Wanderers? Maybe. Maybe not. It doesn't matter, because whether he gets wickets or not, he probably won't fucking learn how to spin the ball at the age of 31.

Does he need some love despite all of this?

Andre Nel seems to think so.


Ricky's ghost

First, Ricky's ghost convinces Mortaza that he is Nathan Bracken and should never consider himself fit after a knee injury. Even 80% is not good enough.

Second, Ricky's ghost climbs into bed with Shakib.

Third, Ricky's ghost stays with Shakib till the toss, wins the toss (that part has more to do with Shakib's ghost than Ricky's) and forces Shakib to say 'We will bat first. Dew? What dew? Our own dew won't go against us. We will show 'em how it's done'.

Fourth, Ricky's ghost bats for Shakib and goes out to an unexpected direct hit from afar during a comfortable couple.

Fifth, Ricky forces Shakib to turn to Ashraful during desperate times, just the way he turns to Shane Watson. Problem: Ashraful is not an all-rounder. Not a twat, but not an all-rounder either.

Sixth, Ricky gives Shakib's post match interview:
"We are getting runs consistently, that's a plus for us. When we got early wickets, we thought we had a chance, but they got a good partnership, all credit to them." 

Seventh, Ricky goes home with Shakib. Tomorrow they have to play Sri Lanka and Ricky must do it all over again.

T3D5: FML.com

Today, I perved on Dale Steyn publicly on National T.V. Steyn has a girlfriend. FML.
-Submitted by Geoffrey Boycott

Today, I intentionally got caught by Ashy P but had to pretend to be sad in front of my fucktard captain who makes me do it all. FML.
-Submitted by Jimmy Anderson

Today, Bumble called me a good captain for putting Ashy P in a wicket-taking position. The idea had come from Boucher. FML.
-Submitted my Graeme Smith

Today, my good mate knocked me up. He uprooted my off stump. FML.
-Submitted by Jonathan Trott

Today, I scored a match saving 78 then got out at a most crucial time. Most people will remember how I got out. FML.
-Submitted by Ian Bell

Today, I defended 22 deliveries without scoring a run and then lost my wicket to the man who can't turn the ball. I was sure I was not out, then again in my mind I am never out. The umpire didn't think so. FML.
-Submitted by Stuart Broad

Today, I had to run from the toilet straight down the pitch. My captain wanted me to get a breakthrough. I took some magical drink for the second last over. I still didn't get a breakthrough. FML.
-Submitted by Dale Steyn

Today, I wanted Onions for dinner. The bastard didn't want to come home with me.FML.
-Submitted by Morne Morkel

Today, I had to defend my ass off to get my team a draw. I was successful but I am actually a bowler and my role is to pick up wickets. FML.
-Submitted by Graham Onions

Today, I won Man-of-the-Match. My team couldn't get the final wicket for the win.FML.
-Submitted by Graeme Smith

Today, I feel blue. Both my teams lost crucial matches. FML.
-Submitted by Cricket Minded

Daddy is a comedian again

I bring to you some more hilarious comments from my Dad. According to him,

-Umar Akmal ruined cricket by playing the shot that got him out when there was 1.5 days left.

-Mohammad Sami tried Umar's tactics to show Umar that what he did was stupid and wouldn't have worked in any way.

-Doug Bollinger looks like a tomato and is a disgrace to the handsome McGrath. He may be right.


T3D4: Newlands, come get me

I slept through SA's batting days so highlights are all I have. But I really wish I was in Cape Town. Not only to watch the cricket live, but also to nap with those men who doze off during the most exciting sessions. That way, I would still have slept through SA's batting, but at least I would have been sleeping right next to the ball that Bouch hit for six. Or the one that JP hit.

Yep, JP hit a six. His starting was shaky but he realized that being a sensitive flower like Ian Bell is a bad career move. Having said that, I am refraining from commenting further on the sensitivity of Samantha because he is yet to bat and the Poms have been wonderfully adept at making me eat my words. Bastards!

With England three down, most people seem to think that the Saffers have won this. Even though I am hoping that they are right, the eternal pessimist in me is asking me not to celebrate yet. Trott's still there along with a very tired looking Jimmy. The Poms are determined to break Jimmy down in the manner of Flintoff, so he can play the next Ashes amidst numerous injections. He just looks like he wants to go home, soak himself in a hot bubble bath and hit the sack. Instead he has to stand in the middle with the boring Trott, trying to comprehend his Saffa accent as he speaks nonsense and wastes time. Poor guy!

Regardless, I demand Biff bat for England tomorrow till he gets his 200. What the fuck is the umpire doing not noticing the no ball? Evidently, Jakes should have been watching Onions' feet. So now both the UDRS and the batsmen's gotta do the on field umpires job. They just pretend to be there when actually, they are busy drooling over the sun-tanned girls around them. DO YOUR JOB!

If I was in Saffaland, in between the naps, I would have thrown banana peels at the umpires, just for fun. I would also have hit Jakes for getting out the way he did. And I would definitely have begged Cullinan to stop being a commentator. He is not good at it. He is not good at it at all.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Smile Kamran

Kamran Akmal is a grouchy individual. He never smiles when he scores big. He didn't even smile on his wedding day.



Today, he dropped four catches for Pakistan. Needless to say his grouchy face became even grouchier. It was almost computerized. The face fell with each drop, little by little.

The question is how much can it really drop? It is a big ball of sulk to begin with. Can it drop till his neck? Maybe till his waist.

He just lost his wicket.

Maybe till his knees.

If Pakistan lose this PCB will investigate him and Younis Khan will say that it's Kamran's way of telling Yousuf that he shouldn't captain Pakistan. Then he will never smile for sure.

Maybe it will drop till his ankles.

That's four drops from the top. Oops!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

T3D3: National Buffalo Day

The bufflaloes of the world are mooing in concert to acknowledge their Grand Master's impressive performance. Or maybe they are snorting. I don't know what noise buffaloes make.
Whatever it is, I can assure you it is loud and at par with the sounds I made when I checked the score in the morning. It's something like 'WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO'.

A bit premature of course. Even a few days ago I would have said that the Saffers WILL win this, but England are draw specialists. And really fucking annoying. But we will worry about that later because poor Biff deserves some recognition.

I must admit I didn't watch their batting after the first 30 runs. I saw Morne thank me by taking the fifer. He not only thanked me, he tried to give me the gift of a hattrick as well. I refused. Greed is a sin people.

But castrating the Pom bowling opens up all sorts of doors and at least one of them leads to heaven. Or so AB tells me. So Biff will certainly go to heaven as he has fucked up the Poms in more than one ways. I have yet to watch in how many ways (the highlights aren't up yet), but maybe I'll get to watch Part II today. Yes Fatboy, I am backing you to get a 200 today. But what I am not doing is proposing to you, as per my friend's suggestion. We would make a very violent couple anyway. Me with the hands, you with the mouth.

Illegal Hash went out on 95. How come no one makes fun of him?

Overall it was a really good day. You know how I know? Even Ashy P made fifteen runs. Btw, what the fuck was up with Daryl Harper? SA had to waste a review on an utterly nonsensical decision. That pissed me off so bad! Wake the fuck up bastard! Not that it would help, because you are just a piece of shit!

That was my only angry moment in the post. Sad no? Just like Barbie's pathetic attempts to 'tamper' with the ball.

Over at Bangladesh...

Sri Lanka finally got to play the last ODI at Kotla that they had to abandon because Sanga is a whiny baby. They won. The same result that they would have achieved in India had the grand design of BCCI, DDCA and the groundsmen not made the pitch so difficult on their soft, fully gaurded bodies.

Strangely, this Lankan team did not have Dilshan the Destroyer or Sanath the Aged. It had Samaraweera instead, who decided to go all Dilshan on Indian bowlers. It also had the dear Kandambi who is the only fat cricketer I like, after Arjuna Ranatunga. But dear Kandambi continues to pursue his dreams to be the lowest run scorer in all matches.

Or maybe his fatness prevents him from scoring anymore. Either way, his belly has somewhat of a likeability factor. I can't put my finger on it...or around it for that matter. But when I do, I will tell you what it is.

India's seven bowlers picked up an astonishing five wickets. Three of them went to Durbhajan Singh (copyright Raj).

If Durby's getting wickets, the dew must be fucking with this game right?

Over at Saffaland, something awesome has happened. Will post about it at night. Must look up every synonym for "gloat".

Monday, January 4, 2010

Watson is on 78

C'mon Pakistan! You can do it!

Watto your hair is nasty. Go back to the change room and fix that shit.

Preferably when you are on 99.

Oh Bangladesh!

Sixty-five for nothing, they were. In the thirteenth over too. Smashing, hooking, cutting, driving- Tamim and Imrul did it all. Uda was as stunned as we were when we first heard his name.

Then the brain explosions started happening. Shockingly, Shakib was a part of the brain explosion, and Ashraful was not! He is the reason we got to 260 actually, along with Mushfiq's cameo and Mahmudullah's knock. I swear Mushfiq is the tiniest thing to ever hold a bat. Whenever he hits a four, I am always on the edge of my seat because I am sure that he will fly to the boundary with the ball. But he never does, bless his tiny structure.

Right, so 260 wasn't ideal with the start they got, but it was marginally defendable right? Even with Bangladesh.

Wrong. The other team has Dilshan. And with him even 400 is not a defendable total. Add our fast bowlers to that and one over from Ashraful (Shakib, my love...HE CAN'T BOWL) and it's a comfortable victory.

Fucking Dilshan, making my life miserable. Do it against other teams honey, otherwise I may have to injure you.

On second thought, maybe I will injure you...

T3D2: First good day

Not the perfect day but after that start, who would have thought SA would still come out on top in the end? Well again not really quite on top, but smothering England with half their body weight surely. And with Biff and Jakes in the side, the scale's already hit the limit.

Seeing as I love South Africa and love England even more, I have to mention that five out of the seven Pom wickets came because of stupid shots. Strauss, Bell, KP, Trott, Cook all played appallingly to lose their wickets. I fell out of the couch laughing at the Bell shot! Oh Samantha...you were on 48 and you decided to go typically Bell. And KP's wicket was the funniest shit I had every seen. It seems that KP's weaknesses are spinners and his own over confidence. What I didn't realize was that the combination of the two would delude him into think Steyn was a spinner and play him like one. Fucking dumbass! And oh Mascaraman, aren't you the great one who had saved your career? Even after scoring 65 runs, you go out like a wuss. BAHAHAHA!

But let's not take anything away from Morne and Dale. I can finally breathe because the chipmunk seems to be back on form. All that hatred and nasty thoughts paid off! I always knew Morne was going to be fucking awesome. He can thank me later for the door-to-door campaign by picking up a fifer tomorrow. Friedel didn't get a wicket but he was dead accurate most of the time (Polly, we may have found your replacement!). For all the rubbish that Jakes bowled, he still had the lowest economic rate- another testament to Pom batsmen. JP was JP and Paul was...well a South African spinner. Sigh, it was nice while it lasted.

Swannyg66 is there and as much as I would like to think so, this is not over yet. Prior seems in good form and unless the Saffa bowlers bowl like Jimmy did this morning they might still get away. Damn that Jimmy! He was unplayable and I can't even hate him for it! Well he is friends with Swanny, so maybe I can a little bit.

Back to the relevant stuff. It's always a good thing when Morne and Dale are our top wicket takers because they are each others' competition, which means they will try that much harder. Of course, we can't relax even if England are out soon tomorrow because the top/middle/lower Saffa order may collapse on their own.

FML.

Pie Chuckers Anonymous

Man 1: Hi my name is Witchy and I am a pie chucker.

Everyone: Hi Witchy.

Witchy: I guess it really started when I got into reading tabloids so I could connect with my vice captain, who is the reigning queen of the Aussie tabloids these days. Anyway, before long my mum was on it saying horrible things about the love of my life. That's when I first started chucking at the home of Cricket. I recovered momentarily, when my captain pointed out that at least my mum didn't say I wasn't an all-rounder. But the whole time I got my line and lenght right I kept thinking 'chuck, chuck, chuck'. It kept calling me. I tried to fight it again and again, but it just grips your brain you know. Asking you to let the batsman score runs, like the ICC. I liked to do it with the new ball most of the time. But thankfully, I ended the year with an award and as the world's top wicket taker. That is really why I am leading the meeting today, to let you all know that even when you are deep in pies...there is a smell of hope somewhere.

Everyone claps. Witchy starts to leave and then comes back.

Witchy: I also scored 500 runs BTW. See, I am an all-rounder after all.

Silence. Witchy walks off uncomfortably. An annoyed man comes to the stage next.

Man 2: Hi my name is Durby and I am a pie chucker.

Everyone: Hi Durby.

Durby: See, I came into cricket to be a pie chucker. I never had any aspirations for anything else. Sure, I pretended to be useful and good once upon a time, but to take advantage of the system you have to be in the system first. So I sealed my position in the team and then started chucking. Witchy resisted it, which is why he fell on and off the wagon. Me, I just let it drip through my nerves to my fingers and fire. Chuck, chuck, chuck. Oh, I love the sound of that. My aim is to be the king of pie chuckers. Sometimes I may get some wickets and beat the batsman, but that's only to ensure that I am never dropped from the team. I am attending this meeting to let you know that there is NOTHING wrong with chucking my friends.Specially when you are overseas where they naturally fear you because you are a spinner from India. I'm telling you folks, when you are deep in pies, it is soft and wonderful.

Some cheer guiltily, others boo half-heartedly. But the meeting is done for this week. Next week we meet some more of our fellow chuckers. Now onto the refreshments table where we are serving...apple pies!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Beware Sri Lanka

You are taking on the most successful Bdesh team tomorrow, after all. According to this article on Crapinfo, the BD boys won 14 of their 19 ODI's this year. Mostly against crappy Windies and Zimbabwe teams yes, but the Lankans were full strength.

I am not going to be too excited because with my countrymen it doesn't mean much. They are brain explosion specialists and has yet to carry their success on from series to series. But hey, at least we didn't lost 6-1, crash out of a semi final or lose against a depleted bowling attack.

Let's not upset that record tomorrow children.

(Thanks for sending the article in Adi)

T3D1: Dictionary of Saffa batsmen

Graeme Smith: Extremely lucky till he goes to lunch and inhales everybody's share of the food. Today, he ate Jimmy's dessert. Jimmy stuffed his locker with bitter lemon ice cream and sent him back to stuff his face some more. (Graeme didn't eat it as it was fat-free).

Ashwell Prince: Epic cockhead who likes to sit in the dressing room and watch the game for the first two days. Likes to act shocked upon losing his wicket. He's only fooling Procter, no one else.


Hashim Amla: Tries to get in a couple of fours and good shots before inevitably falling leg before to the same bowler he smashed. Hash is a kind and loving individual who can't bear to watch other people in misery. Needs to be sent to boot camp to learn how to translate his skills into utter destruction of bowling attacks that have Barbie.

Jacques Kallis: (Needs a couple of volumes to be described accurately) Targetted to be Jimmy's bunny. Jimmy even bought a pink rabbit suit for him, but Jakes prefers to reply with centuries. Just don't be wooed by Jimmy tomorrow okay Jaksey?

AB de Villiers: Biff's understudy. Might be secretly in love with Biff's shockingly bad shots. Needs to get over himself and not make mistakes that cost him his wicket at crucial times. That's thrice in three tests now shithead.

JP Duminy: Gave Swannyg66 two wickets in two balls. Got my hopes up in the beginning of the season and then went on to become South Africa's Ian Bell. If he had hair, I would have shaved it off. What the hell, I'll shave his head anyway. 

Mark Boucher: Thankfully, Jakes' understudy. Saving Saffers with his best friend since the beginning of time. Is shockingly still single, even after hitting Swann for three consecutive fours. Girls in Saffaland have bad taste I tell you.

Dale Steyn: Has found his new calling. Will open the batting for South Africa by the end of the year surely.

Kevin Pietersen: Rejected, hated and ridiculed but still has his heart set in Saffaland. Misfielded duly to let Bouch have his fifty and picked up the ball to bowl short and allow his lover to get a hundred. Looked away from the camera to hide his glee while clapping for Jakes. Still rejected, hated and ridiculed.