I hope Chris Gayle never comes back

I really do. The Windies are not that badly off without the arrogant bastard, you know. Their batting has been miserable since Lara left...possibly even before Lara left. So you can't really blame the second stringers for that. It's Lara's fault for not teaching the youngsters. Hate me all you want, but Brian Lara was technically the leader of West Indies batting and it was his responsibility to make sure at least some of the batsmen could fill the void. You can't replace Lara with one person, but several would have been good enough. Which he didn't. And now every time the former world champions bat, we want to take the t.v and smash it over our heads.

No Chris Gayle's batting doesn't excite me. He is a prick who doesn't give a shit about his team. All he wants is glory and fame for himself. And I fucking hate glory-hunters. Also, the man wears too many shades. People with shades have something to hide. Like, where they are REALLY looking. It's very dodgy.

I...HATE...YOU

Plus, the Windies seem to be doing alright. Don't pull out their win-loss ratio since the contract controversy, it's not different from what it used to be anyway. Their pace attack has caught everybody's attention. Kemar Roach is delightful to watch! Not to mention Tonge. Yes, I used the word delightful. If you saw them bowl, you would agree. Add these two to Edwards, Powell, Taylor and Bravo and you have one hell of a bowling attack. That might be a wee bit of an exaggeration but hey, they are young and competitive. They have the potential to get there.

The batting may still have some hope with Sammy and Smith but the captaincy needs a radical change. I admire Reifer for having the courage to lead this broken side, but he is no captain. Then again, at least he cares about the game and is grateful for the opportunities, unlike the loathsome Gayle.

So I say keep Gayle the Whale out of cricket. Forever.

Dale's Grandkids

...will never be able to look at him and say he won a Champions Trophy in South Africa, he told Crapinfo.

It's true. Because the words that come out of their mouths will be something along the lines of:
"Grandpa, why did you think that one season and the number one ranking meant you could fucking bowl like a crap bag from then on?"

These are the same grandchildren who will be hearing his crocodile hunting stories.

They don't give a shit about the croc, Dale. They want the trophy.

Bless Dale Steyn's non-existent grandkids.

Rotten Australia

Playing with the emotions of a billion Indian fans like that! Scoundrels! Bastards!

First, Brett's tweety was enough to disturb Boom Boom, so Witchy got his wicket. Then Akmal slammed them all over the place. During the course of which, Hauritz dropped a catch and acted like he was really distraught. I thought he was seriously over-acting, just in case Australia lost the match and he could tell everybody how much he was beating himself up for it. I think you'll be better off apologizing for your spin Ritz. They don't care about your crappy fielding. They don't care about you, period.

To make Ritz look worse, Witchy Mitchy took a most difficult catch.It was so stunning that Crapinfo has a special picture to demonstrate how the catch was completed, in steps.

Step 1: Close your eyes and pray
Step 2: Open your eyes to confirm that you caught the ball and not your knuckles
Step 3: Pretend you knew you were going to catch it all along

Seriously, I know it's difficult to judge when the ball is so high and you have to run back. He did well. But what is so fantastic about this catch? Australia is expected to take such catches, specially with the American making them work so hard. Although, he needs to spend a little more time with Paine. The guy is like a frog without the sticky stuff.

I went to sleep for the rest of Pakistan's innings. They didn't score runs and they didn't lose wickets at regular intervals. So I decided it was a good idea to take my 5am nap.

Then the Aussies came to bat, needing only 206. You would think the would cruise through it, which they nearly were...with Hussey of all people, leading the chase. I think I've solved the Mystery of the Withering Hussey. He had amnesia. Now he doesn't anymore. Convinced? Neither am I.

But as soon as they realized that the Indians were watching, Ricky and his rotten men started their Shakespearean drama. The top order walked back to the change-room together and the middle order practically sprinted past them. They even gave Malik a wicket. Then Brett Lee came, the master of all Australian actors. The situation was stabilizing and it looked like the Aussies were going to win after all, but Binga knows how to entertain the Indians. He starred in a Bollywood movie. So he asked Witchy to go back. All of the sudden the Indians realized that Aus needed 17 runs, and their hopes lied on the shoulders of a fast bowler and a wannabe spinner. So starts the nail biting, the praying and the racing heart-beats.

Will they? Won't they? Will they? Won't they..........Will they?

They will. They were always going to. They just wanted to help your population problem with a few heart attacks.

I better be winning an Oscar for this...

The only downside to this story is that we have to watch a England vs Australia game...again!

D-Day

Australia play Pakistan in four hours in hopes of qualifying for the semis.

India play West Indies in nine hours in hopes of qualifying for the semis.

The Champions Trophy has already given cricket lovers a lot of drama, fun times, surprises and heart breaks. Just when we thought it couldn't give anymore, it comes up with another one:

Indians hoping for a Pakistani win. Not just a win, a demolition of the Aussies.

Screw Heroes and Grey's Anatomy. The Champions Trophy is the next prime time hit. It even comes with a US$4 million ending and a shiny trophy. Oh, and a sleek jacket with Jonty Rhodes' BO on it.

And Polly's dead skin cells

Don't worry, its Rhodes. He takes personal hygiene very seriously.

He has helpers to clean him

Just in case you are interested, I am hoping Australia win or have a good enough net run rate and India crash out. The logic is simple. If Australia win, they top the group and play England in the semis. The Aussies are still pissed about the Ashes so they will clobber England. If Australia is second place, then the Poms play Pakistan. That way if Pakistan have a brain freeze all of a sudden and lose, the Aussies will still meet the Poms in the final (the Kiwis have fulfilled their quota...sigh!) and clobber England. Australia better hold it together because England CANNOT win two trophies in the same year. It makes cricket look bad. Which might happen if India pull through.

The real question is however, who will Tifosi Guy support? His team or his country? Oh the things life throw at you!

Black Caps in the semis?

It's a possibility. Remember I told you that the Kiwis have a habit of sneaking into the semis? They did it in the Champions Trophy in 2000 and 2006 and in the World Cup in 1992,1999 and 2007. They actually won the CT in 2000.

And now they have a chance to do it again. The Kiwis did what Sri Lanka or South Africa couldn't do. Murder England. The Pommies made 146, and the Kiwis have to make 139 to qualify for the semis. Don't you love it when you wish for something and it finally comes true? Well, I shouldn't be too happy yet. The Kiwis still have to bat and its a tough pitch apparently.

This next bit might shock you, so sit down. Dan bowled only 1.1 overs, conceded 2 runs and got 1 wicket. I know what you are thinking and it is correct. Elliot, 007, Butler and Mills got the rest of the wickets. That's four out of five Kiwi bowlers, minus Dan. Did you hurt yourself from the fall? I told you to sit down for this. Even Dan did.

My lovelies can bowl!

So what is the Kiwi secret? They are always the Underdogs. Even when they are playing fantabulously nobody takes them seriously. While everybody's involved in an over-the-top, highly dramatic struggle, the Black Caps just quietly slip out, take the spot and run! Till they reach the semis. Then they crash out.

Interestingly, it's been nine years since the Kiwis won an ICC tournament, despite having reached the final four a number of times. Sounds like a certain team in green...see? They are so clever that nobody even realized that they consistently fail at the same stage as the Saffers. I like. I like a lot.

Are you kidding me?

Mostafa Kamal has been appointed as the President of the Bangladesh Cricket Board. I don't know who he is, so there is a fat chance you lot will know who he is. But according to research, he is a freaking senior member of the Parliament and the current Government of Bangladesh.

But don't worry, even if the Government has the power to elect the President, the rest of the 24 members is selected by the board.
Because that makes a difference right? When the President, the final decision maker, has the backing of freaking dirty politicians, the rest of the board's opinions obviously count just as much!

In case you are wondering what I am talking about, all Bangladeshi politicians want to do is gain power and have a say in everything irrespective of expertise, because they fucking sit in Office. We've worked so hard to give equal opportunities to players from all over Bangladesh! Something tells me the BCB is about to undo all the good work.

Another setback for Bangladeshi cricket. The team might not grow, but this list sure does!

Saffer Rain Gods mourn

The home team's exit from the tournament obviously. They realized that with SA's departure, the locals might lose interest in the series altogether. So they decided to help the ICC, because they are nice and good hosts. Plus, after all the drama in Group B, somebody needed to make Group A interesting!

The Australia-India match was washed out. They each get one point, but Aus has already won a game so currently, they are in second position. To get to the semis, India now HAS to win against West Indies. But even then, they only go through if Australia is beaten by Pakistan AND they have a better run rate then Australia. This points system is a bitch eh?

India has now been trampled by their greatest competitors, Pakistan, Australia and South Africa. Okay, so it was technically the SA weather...but they are still Saffers!

I am hoping for a Windies win on Wednesday. Or an Australian loss with a run rate still good enough to get them through. Just for some cruel fun.

Code Blue

Mike Hussey's batting has been going up and down since...umm...last winter? Or was it even before that? (Note: summer in Australia is winter in Canada...it is always winter in Canada). Somebody refresh my memory. When was 'Mr. Cricket' last in form?

He codes, Merv calls, some opponent team gather together to resuscitate him and he lives to make it to yet another series. This time it was India. Actually it was Ishant Sharma and Harbajan Singh. Ishant was also one of the most expensive bowlers against Sri Lanka in that Compaq Cup game, you know, the one where Sanath made 98 all of a sudden? Ishant should consider a career in the Emergency room. All dying cricketers please come this way. Dr. Ishant is in the house.

Interestingly, Hussey's scores haven't been that disgraceful in the past few months. In the second and third tests of the Ashes, his scores were either zero or half centuries. He managed ten in the fourth and surprised everyone with a century plus twenty-one runs in the last! Then he flat-lined again, till the 6th ODI against the Poms. The Champions Trophy doesn't count, because Aus has played in only two games.

But the question is, how many times will Hussey fail before Merve actually drops him? Australia don't get rid of their players that easily because their selection in the first place, had come after they had endured some sort of 'Save the Princess from the fire-breathing Dragon' test. I'm all for the standing by my decision crap, but you dropped Justin Langer when he was out of form...hell you even dropped Steve Waugh in the 91 Ashes! If you are trying to tell us that Hussey is a greater cricketer than Langer or Waugh Merv, you are as fake as your moustache.

I think it's time Hussey signed a DNR. Do Not Resuscitate Hussey's career. It's costing some other Oz player who is standing by the sidelines and hoping the defibrillator fails...for once.

Alternative options

The Proteas have to wait till November to launch their revenge campaign against the Poms. Breaks are clearly very bad for them. Although, some of them will be playing in the Champions League...but that's T20 so technically a vacation. I would suggest for them to engage in other competitive sports in the meantime so that they don't have to be subjected to this sort of embarrassment again. Here are the options:

Graeme Smith: Swimming


Wayne Parnell: Sprinting


Mark Boucher & Johan Botha: High jump


Albie Morkel: Lunges


That's right boys. No breaks for you!

New Zealand heard us

They tried guys. They won against Sri Lanka to give the Saffers a chance. We messed it up big time.

Somebody scored 74 runs off 58 balls and gave Ryder the credit. The real Jesse was sitting down and chilling under the sun.

See?

Dan was impressive with both the ball and the bat. As is customary of him in this current Kiwi side. I wonder how many M-O-M awards Dan has. Hopefully enough to buy a new team :P.

Although some of the bowlers showed up today as well. Other than 007. More like 00 fullstop. The Kiwis need to find a new fast bowler. Seriously. It's high time.

Dilshan nearly killed their chances, as he is the lone Lankan assassin. Jayawardene wanted in on the action but couldn't save the match. Koolboy Kula also contributed. I was saddened by Kandambi's failure however. He should always score big. Just as a birth-right kind of thing.

I am really sorry I didn't wake up at 3am to watch this match. I haven't watched a brilliant NZ performance in a long time. I just hope they do the same on Tuesday to avenge South Africa. If they do, I'll write something nice about Ryder. I promise!

Resurrection

I did die. Then I thought, if I died who would stand by South Africa? So I came back. Yes, I still stand by them. What did you think? Just because I left NZ and SL when they started losing I'd do the same to my Saffa boys? I've been standing by them for 16 years now....such scenarios are nothing new to Saffa fans. They lose, we cuss, we move on. Another tournament comes by and we get behind them again. Even if I am 100 by the time SA actually win an ICC trophy, I'll fucking blog to rub it all over your faces. Proteas fans have grit and nothing you come up with will faze us.

They lost because the bowling was even more horrendous than any nation's fourth stringers. Dale needs to be boxed till he is black and blue. One good season, one trophy and the fucker forgets how to bowl. Allan Donald is ashamed of you Dale. He told me so.

Let's not even mention Albertus. He should just run straight towards the boundary with the ball in his hands from now on. That's where it's going to end up anyway. I wasn't impressed with his batting either because once again, the ass got run out at a crucial moment. Although, in retrospect it did look like he was trying to get Smith off the strike because he was cramping and couldn't run. CRAMPING AND COULDN'T RUN, STRAUSS. He is the biggest motherfucker on Earth. He knew if Smith had a runner SA would have at least edged SL out of the tournament. He is such a coward that he even blamed the Umps for it. I saw the incident live. The umpires asked him several times and Strauss nodded his head 'no' every time. You don't even have the guts to admit it was you, you wanker. But I don't wish him ill. I don't wish him ill at all. I'll just wait for karma to hit. Then I'll kick him.

Cricinfo: Graeme Smith asked for a runner and Strauss didn't allow him one

The batting was equally miserable, other than Smith. Don't be shocked. I have nothing against Smith the batsman. We always knew he was brilliant and we expect nothing less than what he displayed at the game. Smith the captain is another story. The story being defensive field settings in the middle overs when the bowlers are already bowling atrociously, allowing the opponents to pile on runs.

My Herschelle failed.
My Kallis failed.
My Boucher failed.
Even my ROFL failed.

I don't understand how the burdens of past failures don't motivate Gibbs, Kallis and Bouch to fight like hell in ICC tournaments. And what the fuck happened to Jakes? He had bowling figures of 3-0-14-1. Then he decided he couldn't bowl anymore. Gibbs and Bouch looked like they weren't even trying. I'm reaching SA tomorrow to give Gibbs a hair transplant, fill the gap in Kallis' front teeth and tell Boucher his website sucks. Maybe that will hurt them enough to fucking react!

I am incapable of hating on ROFL as I am hoping to be his adoptive mother. But I'll tell you about that another day.

That Morgan guy can bat. It physically hurts me to say anything good about England. But I still made an effort. And that is all you are going to get from me.

Mathematics

8.54: South Africa's required run rate

510: My heart beat

1: The number of hours I will live when this match is over

Awkward

Too much love or just pure excitement? I'm going with too much love.

Btw, they beat Graeme and his many victims by a mile.

South Africa should skip the middle overs

This is the third time a row SA's bowlers have been disgusting in the middle overs. They start off brilliantly and get those 2 wickets every time. Then things come to a stand still.

It's the 38th over and England are currently 220-2. Owhy is about to score a century. He hit 6 sixes...two of them off ROFL. ROFL's mothership is sleeping today. Why oh why!

BUT BOTHA THE MAN GETS HIS WICKET! SOMEBODY GIVE HIM THE CAPTAINCY NOW!

It's not surprising, they are getting closer to the last 10 overs. The wickets will come again. If ROFL and Albie will just stop bowling.

Jacques is apparently injured and can't bowl anymore.

Is this some sort of a cruel joke that Shaun Pollock is the commentator right now? Hi Shaun, stop talking and go down to the field.

I just spotted my Herschelle. Judging by the way England is going, a lot will depend on him today.

I'm going to go watch. By the time I am back, the Saffers better have won this.

ODI's come alive

Courtesy of India and Pakistan. I don't support either team, so I watched the game purely for the cricket. It didn't disappoint. It did not disappoint at all.

Pakistan's innings was sane. What a shocker! They've always had immensely talented players but would always do something impulsive and lose wickets. Bless Shoaib Malik for realizing that bang, wham is not the only way to play ODI's. But kudos to him for entertaining us later on as well. And Muhammad Yusuf is a champion batsman! He really needs to get himself on the map more.

Although, I must admit that I enjoyed watching the Indian bowlers getting beaten to a pulp. Strangely, Ashish Nehra has become a good bowler! I haven't been following India for about eons now but when I used to watch them regularly Nehra was new and crap. The occasional promising balls here and there yes, but overall crap. The penguin has come a long way. Harbajan on the other hand needs to be dropped. This is not debatable. As Bored and SP are all yelling at the top of their lungs...INDIA HAVE BETTER SPINNERS. This is becoming like the dark era of Bangladeshi cricket when overweight players like Akram Khan were kept in the squad simply because they were 'seniors' and had 'experience' that could not compete with International cricketers. Seriously BCC, we did it! You can too!

Not that Pakistani bowlers didn't take a hammering. Umar Gul went for 16 off his first over. Every god damn free hit went over the boundary while Gambhir was there. Then he forgot to dive. I remembered a very funny ad a long time ago which showed an Indian fan's frustration at the team's lack of diving. It had something to do with a detergent called Surf Excel. Get it? Diving will make their clothes dirty so they don't dive. But they have Surf Excel to make it shiny again, so why not dive? Must find that commercial somewhere. It was awesome.

Dravid's run out was pitiful. I must admit that I actually like Rahul Dravid. No one realized that he had sneakily made 76 runs (albeit using 103 balls) till he walked back to the pavilion. Considering India fell only 54 runs short despite losing their top order with 169 runs still required, I'm going to say that 76 was valuable. Dravid is valuable. He and Kallis are a rare breed of batsmen. Always criticized and unappreciated, but irreplaceable.

The whole match was a thumping, racing heart beat. Never a dull moment, just like ODI's should be. To put icing on the cake, there was a pitch invasion at the end of the match! When was the last time you've seen a pitch invasion? Watching the players scrambling for cover and people running around with flags...it is excellent to watch. I hope I am involved in one, at least once in my life!


This is not T20 folks, it's much better than T20.

Australia survive West Indies scare

That's the headline that Crapinfo used to sum up the game that none of us watched today. Except for maybe the first ball. Here's what happened in a nutshell:

1) Michael Clarke did not play the game because of a sore back. In the pre-match interview, Ricky put it as 'Yeah, Clarke has a sore back from the flight or whatever'. With a name like Pup, I guess we are not surprised that sitting for a long time would be enough to fuck up his twig like body.

2) Hussey scored less than 10. Again. What does he have to do to let Merv know that he can't play cricket anymore?

3) Witchy Mitchy did some hocus pocus on the Windies bowlers, so they allowed him to reach his half-century. He is re-launching his campaign as an all-rounder. You will need some pretty dark magic to make us believe, Mitchy. Voldemort's hotline is 1-800-You-are-a-bad-boy-for-abandoning-your-mother.

4) Brett Lee did not bowl a single no ball. But he got only 8 overs. I am confident that two more and we would have seen at least 5.

5) Even without Chris Gayle and Dwayne Bravo, WI managed to get past 200. What does Australia have to do to prove to the world that they are not good at cricket anymore?

Priceless

Watto's expression as Roach crawled upto him and knocked his stumps senseless.

His jaws actually dropped

"I thought the first ball was a trial! Boohoo"

There is no take two Watto. This ain't a calendar photoshoot.

FML

Today the English cricket team won their first match against Sri Lanka and made it to the head of the group. I had predicted that they would lose all their matches and crash out. FML

Today the M's failed to live up to their name. They didn't kill the English with their pace or swing, not even with their unplayable spin. One of the M's is the highest wicket-taker in both Tests and ODIs...ever. FML

Today Paul Collingwood was named Man-of-the-Match. Colly was dropped against Australia in the recent series due to poor form. FML

Today South Africa dropped to number three in the group because of their disgusting loss against the same Lankan team. Now they have to win against England AND England has to lose against the Kiwis, which most likely won't happen. This mean South Africa will crash out of the tournament in the first round.

FUCK MY LIFE!

Colours and commentary

This Bright Blue vs Navy Blue game is making me feel very, very RED!

Dilshan...scored...2. Worst, he gave his wicket to man who wets himself. That made my heart explode and we had black everywhere. Yes, my heart is black. As if you already didn't know.

I am locking Sri Lanka's top order up in the Chamber of Violence, where unspeakable things happen. I can't repeat them and neither can they. But you can expect them to look like this after.


Okay, maybe I won't put Dilscoop there. But he should consider becoming Bangladeshi. That is the only thing that can save him from the Chamber.

But the 'BOMB' title must now be given to Kandambi, whose name is spelled wrong on Crapinfo. And who had a brain explosion the minute I wrote this. Or was it the all white Angelo that refused to move? Not so angelic after all are we...bastard!

Harsha Bhogle just said that Swann is not bowling well today because the pitch is not suited to off-spin. Harsha is actually English and thinks that Onions and Broad are legitimate surnames. Very grey.

England bowled 20 wides. Know what colour I'm feeling now? Purple. Because Barnie is purple and hilarious, but so fucking annoying that you want to buy a stuffed toy of the dino just to rip his head out. England is Barnie.

Strauss tries to play in the 'spirit of cricket'. Now he's getting the Cricketer of the Year award for sure. Cunning bastard.

Murali scores 11 awesome runs off of Broad...one of which went for a 6. I'm making Murali a Fairy Killer.
Murali gives his wicket to Broad. I am making Murali a Fairy Godmother.

Broad on a hattrick..I'm feeling blue...no oxygen due to intense rage kind of blue.

Sri Lanka reaches 200...golden is the colour of jubilation! Shut up, they were 5 for 81 at one stage.

Kula is Kool. I don't care if it's Korny.
Not out! Kula continues to torment England. HAHA.

Bah, it's over. The Lankans really are good entertainers. Even if it's utterly disgusting at times.

England to bat next. Yellow is the colour of revenge. Because revenge makes me come alive.

Champions Trophy injury list continued...

Aditya reminded me of some that I had forgotten and some new additions.

India: Zaheer Khan
What: Shoulders as well
How: Sympathy pains for Virender Sehwag (or vice versa...whoever sustained the injury first)
Prognosis: Well he had his surgery in South Africa, where India is currently playing in the Champions Trophy against South Africa...so I'm going to say don't be too hopeful :).

India: Gautam Gambhir
What: Groin strain
How: When Gary Kirsten mentioned going solo at the absence of a partner in his dossier, the Indians were confused. So Gambhir volunteered to demonstrate...during which Jesse Ryder saw him and decided to help.
Prognosis: If you really want to know, it doesn't seem to be functioning very well...

Australia: Nathan Bracken (Goldilocks)
What: Knee injury
How: Papa Bear found him eating his porridge and snapped his twiggy limbs into half.
Prognosis: Mama Bear has adopted him for the time-being as the girl they never had. So whenever she is ready to let go.

Happy Birthday Hansie!

This one's emotional. I can't help it. He was my hero and I was shattered when he admitted to the match-fixing allegations. But his death was even more painful. Sometimes, I still can't believe that one of the greatest South African captains ever, is no more.

You might hate him and accuse him of bringing cricket down to a low from which it still hasn't recovered. But you can't deny his captaincy skills. Hansie was a leader. A leader that played a huge part in pulling a nation out of a great tragedy. The apartheid was fresh in their minds when SA re-entered international cricket. Hansie and his men were partly responsible for re-kindling their love for South Africa again. It remains one of cricket's greatest achievements.

Hansie Cronje was also a solid support system for players like Pollock, Gibbs and Kallis...all of whom went on to become South African cricket greats. The South African line up of Cronje, Rhodes, Kirsten, Cullinan, Donald, Pollock, Kallis, Gibbs, Symcox, Boucher, Klusener etc. still sends chills down my spine. What a team! Despite their failures and their 'choking', they always remained the team to beat.

I miss him immensely. Graeme Smith may be a good captain at times, but I doubt he will ever be able to ignite the passion that Hansie could in his men. He had fire and courage, even in his worst days.

I don't know how current South African players look at his contribution to cricket. But I hope he is not forgotten and I really hope that amidst all the match-fixing talk, Saffers take out a few minutes on his birthday to remember their fallen hero.

Cricket Minded salutes Hansie Cronje. Happy Birthday Captain.

Parnie read my blog too

I called his bowling rubbish didn't I? I ordered him to find his form. So like a good boy, Parnie obeyed. Although not quite. He still conceded the most runs out of all the bowlers, but his 5 wickets saved him. For now.

The highlight of the match was anytime ROFL came on screen. For example his brilliant catch. If you watch it in slow motion, you will see tiny alien ships holding him up long enough to catch the ball. They are his brothers and sisters. They weren't there during his bowling spell though, because ROFL is just naturally brilliant at that. He don't need no help with his spin. The Kiwis on the other hand...I don't understand it in the slightest. They do have a very effective spinner in their side. If you knew you had to play spinners and have one in the team, wouldn't you practice batting with him? How is it that Dan's team were beaten again and again by ROFL's balls?

Albertus wasn't shockingly bad at bowling today so, he survives one more day. Even if he's back to being terrible on Sunday, my Herschelle will be there to pick up the slack. I can't help but mention my Herschelle. It's a way of life for me.

I have to mention AB's batting and two catches. Yes, he is so perfect that he makes you want to put your fingers through your ears and mess up your brain. But us Saffa fans were seriously worried that he has lost his mojo. But the mojo is intact, the fielding is back on top and the batting is excellent as always. We can all breathe now.

Till Duminy comes to bat. Shithead.

Aah well. For now we will celebrate and wait for Sunday. It's going to be a family affair.

Thanks Martyd!

The picture is from my Kiwi friend M, who has awesome cricket spirit. He is also a brilliant artist as you can see.

For Esra

Umm, your lover boy needs to get rid of the thorns on his head.



I have suggestions.

Brett's Tweety Bird

Tim's skunk

Ryan's tribute to Julia Roberts

RP's horns

Watto's umbrella

Yes dear, these are your only choices. I made a careful selection from what is out there. My screening process is very good, trust me.

Champions Trophy injury list

South Africa: Herschelle Gibbs
What: Strained rib muscle
How: Once upon a time a Buffalo was born. Twenty-eight years later he hit my bald man with his 200 pound tail.
Prognosis: Batting a little, should be back to kick some English ass on Sunday.

India: Virender Sehwag
What: Shoulder injury
How: Carrying a trillion dollar shawl on his shoulders at a fashion show.
Prognosis: Will not be available for the Champions Trophy.

India: Yuvraj Singh
What: Fractured finger
How: Eating too many hamburgers.
Prognosis: Out for 6 weeks by the grace of everything good and pure.

New Zealand: Jacob Oram
What: Damaged hamstring
How: He thought he was a real life Kiwi and tried to 'fly' from a window. He also thought Kiwis could fly.
Prognosis: Still to be assessed. We are breathlessly waiting for some news.

New Zealand: Ian Butler
What: Umm..stomach bug
How: Ravi Bopara thought he was Ian Bell and sneezed on his food to stop him from taking his spot in the team.
Prognosis: Hasn't trained with the team yet. Not that it makes a difference.

Pakistan: Younis Khan
What: Hairline fracture on his little finger
How: For touching Afridi's hair with that finger
Prognosis: Hopes to be fit for India on Saturday. Something tells me he will be.

England: Kevin Pietersen
What: Achilles tendon surgery that didn't heal according to plan
How: The initial injury happened when his wife kicked him for not coming to watch her dance. It didn't heal properly because he kicked it again to make sure he stayed back in England to work on his accent.
Prognosis: Hopefully out till the end of time.

Australia: Shane Watson
What: The smallest bone in his ear
How: He realized he has been fit for more than a fortnight. So he played the guitar till his ear bone broke.
Prognosis: Won't know till the next injury comes around. Which will be soon.

Lunch break

The Pak v WI game is not that interesting anyway, mostly because the Windies are crap. But I was enjoying the two quick Pak wickets when all of a sudden the stomachs rumbled, the tongues salivated and the teams left the field...for a lunch break.

WHAT THE FUCK!

Why couldn't they have lunch before they came to bat? They've only been on the field for about 10 overs! I'm guessing lunch half an hour earlier would have thrown off the ICC 'organization'. What? Lunch before noon? Preposterous!

Unfortunately the online streaming video I have is from SkySports. Now I have to sit and listen to Nasser Hussain talk about why England will do well on this pitch. I'll make sure the Saffers get this chat. They could use some humour right now.

Although, they could also get a kick out of the fact that Graeme Swann sings and his band is called Dr Comfort and the Lurid Revelations (Thanks Brandon, that really cheered me up!). This is where AB hangs his head in shame and gives up singing...forever. He can't be in the same league as Swann. It's dishonourable. It could also be the reason why AB is single. Speaking of which, why is AB single?


Is it because of Jesus? Graeme? Paul? Can someone tell me?

See what lunch breaks do. They make you ramble about stupid things that don't matter. If you feel this post has ruined your life, take it up with the ICC.

I blame Graeme Smith

It's all his fault. Who wins the toss and chooses to bowl first when the pitch is expected to turn later and you have 7 bowlers in the side? The pigeon-brained individual also set a field that consistently allowed the the Sri Lankans to get runs during the middle overs. When they were already at 10000000 runs for the loss of 1 wicket! They didn't put pressure on the SL batsmen at all by stopping the singles and forcing them to play big shots. Ever heard of an attacking field setting Biff? Botes has!

Not that Parnell's rubbish balls wouldn't have gone for sixes anyway...seeing as he was bowling to DILSHAN. As pissed as I am that SL won, Dilshan was the bomb. Something that South Africa should have known and planned for! Bet Graeme had a hand there as well.

Find your form...NOW!

If Albie bowls one more over I am going to scream. 39 runs in 4 fucking overs! I think it's time we realized that Albie is the batsman and MORNE is the bowler. Remember Morne? The guy who didn't get picked for this squad? Well look how all the other bowlers have done now. 319 freaking runs and only 8 wickets. Brilliant! Specially when Sri Lanka has the three M's, one of whom has ears that distract the batsmen long enough to get their wickets.

And what the fuck was up with all the misfields!
AB: misfield
JP: misfield
Boucher: misfield
Misfield, misfield, misfield! WHY! I'll tell you why. Because my Herschelle wasn't there. And why was my Herschelle not there? Because a certain fat-face 'captain' injured him.

If my Hersch was there the 319 would have been chased down in a flash. Even with Ajantha Mendis.

To add insult to injury the freaking RAIN ended the game. With Albie and ROFL still at the crease. Albie's mind-boggling upper body strength and ROFL's alien tactics would also have won this game. Unfortunately, the English team arrived in SA today and obviously brought the rain clouds with them.

Don't fret too much. SA still has two more games to go. One of them involve a showdown with their cousins from the island. We are just sad the reject won't be there.

CA TV Videos

Cricket Australia TV is cool. They follow the team around and give us insights into the team, video analysis of their games, interviews and behind the scenes stuff. The behind the scenes videos used to be the best ones, till Nathan Bracken's blog came around. That man has the personality of a hair band. Which he wears.

Anyway, sometimes they run out of ideas for the videos and make up fictitious stories. Like this one, where an American man is telling us why Ricky Ponting is the best fielder in the world.



First of all, Ricky's two run outs in the 6th ODI were stunning. Second of all, this is the first time he has hit the stumps in a long time. To be the best in the world you kind of have to do that consistently. Punter doesn't really make the batsmen think twice before taking a run the way Rhodes, Duminy, De Villiers and Gibbs does. I mean he is better than most, but the best he is not. Stop giving him titles. He will lose them in a few days anyway.

BTW, CA TV, if you are going to make a case about cricket don't use a man with an American accent who keeps on calling your skipper 'Rick'. Which brings me to, why is there an American in your camp? Have they actually discovered cricket before unearthing the weapons of mass destruction? What a shocker!

There's another video. Before you get to it, I must apologize because the video shows Binga and Watto playing some pop-sickle version of 'Sweet Child O' Mine' on their guitars. As a huge fan of the song and the band, I was curious to know what could posses them to act in a way that could lead to a bloody revolution. Turns out, they know that they annoy people with their 'singing' and do it in their rooms nowadays. At least that's a start. Mankind may be saved after all.

The infinite stupidity of humans

Krishna has a poll going on his site regarding who will win the Champions Trophy. I voted for South Africa, as I am a firm believer of online polls that will magically bring about the results I want. As it stands right now, the votes are 30% for Pakistan (Stani, how many times did you vote?), 25% for South Africa and India, 15% for Australia and 5% for...England.

Let me repeat that for you: 5% believe England can win the Champions Trophy. You can see where the logic flows from. Since March 2009, England has played 15 ODI's and won in 7 of them. Which works out perfectly because to win the Champions Trophy they have to play 3 Group stage matches, 1 semi-final and 1 final. Which adds up to 5 matches. 5 is less than 7 and England has already proved that they can win 7 ODIs.

Yes, I believe we are a superior race. Superior to a dying breed of donkeys known as Wild Ass. (I'm not making this up. My best friend google told me about them.)

In the same poll over at Supersport, 1% of the votes went to West Indies. I decided to change my mind and vote for Bangladesh. 8 teams, 15 matches, 1 Champion- Bangladesh.

More Champions Trophy build-up

Ten non-cricketing reasons you should watch the Champions Trophy:

1. Some of the other options of staying connected to cricket involve following Graeme Swann on Twitter and being subjected to this:

"my god i've scrubbed up well today. shower, shave, sh*t and a sausage sandwich. i feel like james bond"

Ian Fleming's zombie is in town. If you see him, please tell him how to get to Swann. Thanks.

2. Makhaya has a new hairstyle.


3. The performers. How cool are they?


4. You can finally sit on your couch all day long watching t.v. and being unproductive.

5. The infinite amount of time you can spend after already being unproductive for the day, engaging in debates, arguments and predictions.

6. Sanath Jayasuriya, even when he is not batting. Because his head is either too small or too big compared to his body. I can't decide which. It's really rather mysterious.


7. To figure out whose beard is more magnificent. Amla's or Yusuf's?

They have secrets hidden in there you know...

8. To see Ryder's reaction when he realizes that there is a new contender in the 'Who is the fattest cricketer' competition .

The Punajb XI might lose but Yuvi doesn't!

9. Ricky Ponting will keep us updated through his Facebook fan page. How will you know what Ricky's great thoughts are in reference to if you don't watch?

10. Obama will be playing for the West Indies!

T20s vs ODIs

It's becoming like the epic debate of Men vs Women. Let's draw some parallels shall we?

ODIs=Women, T20=Men

Note: The following opinions are meant to make ODIs and consequently women superior. It's just the way it is. Deal with it.

The level of excitement in T20s are higher, but once its over you don't want anymore of it.
The excitement in ODIs are longer...because they last longer.

T20 results are so inconsistent they frustrate you.
ODI results are not...yet they have the ability to be pleasantly unpredictable.

T20s require extra help (from cheerleaders, Bollywood stars, obscene amount of marketing) to attract the crowds.
ODIs just give the fans a fleeting glimpse. They will follow anyway.

T20s gave birth to the scum Lalit Modi.
ODIs have vowed to kick him the nuts whenever possible.

T20s are incapable of satisfying most cricket lovers.
Tours are incomplete without ODIs.

I could go on and on, but I won't. ODIs are not dead. If they were, the cricket blogging world would not have been waiting so keenly for the Champions Trophy. FYI, we rule the world.

Well done India!

I thought the Indians were FANTASTIC! I mean, a Sumo wrestler scored 57 runs against them despite having all that fat to weigh him down. There had to be help from the bowlers. And that beautiful collapse! From 58 for 0 to 135 for 7. That ladies and gentlemen is skills. Real skills.

Oh, did you know the last three wickets fell for two runs? That's it boys. Keep it cheap. We are in the middle of a recession after all!

Anybody who finds me a video of this beautiful game will get money. Loads and loads of money. Money that you will be able to make a mattress out of.

(Too cool to give a rats ass about a warm-up match are we? So cool that even a humiliating defeat can't faze us.)

India lost by 103 runs. Can we give them a standing ovation?

Warm up: India vs New Zealand

I have a busy day but I had to post this.

New Zealand made 301 against India.

The same New Zealand that lost to the Warriors, a team that hasn't won anything in the last 6 years.

It's irrelevant that Ryder and Guptill both made 50's while Dan made 17.

My love for the Kiwis has begun to rekindle. They better not bowl horrendously and let India win this.

I can already see the Indian team making excuses about this being just a warm-up and Sachin, Gambhir etc. not playing.

India lost to NZ in the T20 WC warm-up match and crashed out.

Yes it's not the same thing. But we can still hope can't we?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA India.

Which captain has the best smile?

By best I mean who is bearing all their teeth now because they know that once the tournament starts they won't get an opportunity to do so.

That's a smile...his wife told me so

Sabotage!

Graeme the Buffalo, has very conveniently injured my Herschelle. During a warm-up match against WI, where Hersch was cruising mind you, the fat-ass hit a straight-drive straight at Hersch. Bald-man took action to avoid getting hit and ended up injuring his ribs. Tell me if I am wrong, but if you are hitting a straight-drive isn't it supposed to go past the other batsman, who is standing a little to the right anyway? Which can only mean on thing. Graeme Bastard Smith hit Hersch intentionally.

Either that or his elbow is still screwed and he must be rested permanently, making way for Botha to Captain SA.

Graeme Bastard Smith now has the following options:

1) Become Hersch's personal nurse and attend to his every demand! Don't worry, Hersch doesn't swing that way.

2) Pray to God that Hersch is not out for the whole series

3) Await the arrival of a Canadian Mafioso

If the Buffalo goes missing, you know where to look. Maybe.

Scream all you want, no one can hear you

Cricinfo subheadings

Pak v SL scorecard | SA v WI scorecard | NZ suffer defeat

Conclusion: don't even bother checking NZ's scorecard. They were abysmal and suffered the defeat rightly. I'm telling you ICC, you still have a chance to call up Bangladesh and apologize. Then fly them over to SA pronto.

Flintoff to help coach UAE

Conclusion: UAE is doomed. The progress of cricket halted by yet another Englishman.

Questionable Graeme photo

He just seems to get caught in one awkward position after the other. This time it's not even with one of the new boys. That's Jakes he is bending over, who is older than him. Jakes is possibly Biffy's sugar daddy.

Notice the smile. Ridiculous, too happy, what a fantastic spot to be at smile. Directly at the camera too.But I know the reason behind that smile.


Jakes got hit in the groin region. Which is why he is in that position and Biffy is helping him. He is smiling because it's always funny when balls connect with balls.

You thought otherwise didn't you? You perverts!

The return of the Saffa spinners

That's right. They are Saffers and they are spinners. GOOD spinners. Impossible you say? Well check out the evidence:

20.6 Botha to Sammy, no run

20.5 Botha to Sammy, no run

20.4 Botha to Sammy, no run

20.3 Botha to Reifer, OUT

FL Reifer lbw b Botha 1 (5b 0x4 0x6) SR: 20.00

20.2 Botha to Reifer, no run

20.1 Botha to Reifer, no run


19.6 Van der Merwe to Bernard, no run

19.5 Van der Merwe to Dowlin, OUT

TM Dowlin b van der Merwe 5 (8b 0x4 0x6) SR: 62.50

19.4 Van der Merwe to Dowlin, no run

19.3 Van der Merwe to Reifer, 1 run, driven to mid on

19.2 Van der Merwe to Reifer, no run

19.1 Van der Merwe to Smith, OUT

DS Smith lbw b van der Merwe 17 (27b 2x4 0x6) SR: 62.96

They may not be able to bowl a doosra or have straight elbows but they are fast becoming a spinning duo to reckon with. I was worried that it was a seasonal thing...but it clearly is not. And with effective spinners being such a rarity these days (*cough*Australia*cough*) it makes me very happy that the Saffers have found their very own.

Of course, it also makes me happy that my BD boys Mahmudullah, Shakib and Enamul have formed their own spin mob. I call them the Sweet-faced Gangsters. They look so innocent that even when they are taking your wicket it's like they are giving you a gift. 'Here, you look tired. Please go have a rest in the dressing rooms'. LOVE IT!

Also, excellent news for both my teams with regards to WC2011. Speaking of which, how many ways do you think Australia, England and West Indies will embarrass themselves in the World Cup?

Champions trophy build up

Because we have waited too long...

Gul the fool in South Africa...revenge will be ours!

All Shoaibs must come with a warning...and a VD tag.

Chris Gayle without his shades

Don't look so surprised, you are indeed still a buffalo

Looking like a true Kiwi...

Only one more stupid ODI to go!