"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

T2D3: Practicing ABism

My brain is in so much grief over yesterday's game that I have now crossed over to the other extreme. Instead of bashing the Saffa bowlers to my heart's content I am practicing ABism i.e. I am being positive about every fucking thing.

So no Dale Steyn, I won't poke and pry into your mouth to try and figure out what sort of bacteria is residing in your brain. You have become fucking useless in a very short period of time, but I won't make a fuss about that. Instead I will dwell over the lovely capabilities that you are hiding in some unreachable part of your body and will it back outside with my positivity.

No Paul Harris, I won't talk about your diligent impression of Dale Steyn despite being more than okay even a few days ago. Instead I will pine for the days when you did not spin the ball but managed to fool the batsmen enough to get their wickets. Or maybe you dazzled them with your hair. No matter how you did it, you did it and it will happen again my friend. Yes it will.

Makhaya I won't say anything about you at all because even ABism cannot sugar-coat your mortifying bowling.

I will dwell on poor Morne instead who had to do the work of three other bowlers and did very well. Unfortunately for us we cannot clone him. We also cannot bowl him for eight continuous hours because then he will break down which means a bowling attack consisting of Dale, Jakes, Makhaya, Paul and JP. Which, as per ABism will be so wonderful that I will have to stuff my face with holiday sweets till I choke and die.

Even with positivity overload I cannot bring myself to acknowledge that Mascaraman now has a century and Ian Bell a half century. That will require a lot of alcohol and drugs and I am already maxed out on foreign objects in my body i.e. positive thoughts. And if I do overdose who will tell you that this a clever plan by the Saffers to keep the two jokers in the team, so real players never get a chance and they continue to disappoint for another forty innings?

'Tis true folks. I may not be ranting today but I would never lie to you.


Reisa said...

I'm thinking of you watching the current shambles and hearing a 'Fuck ABism!!' somewhere in there. He is clearly a fraud! Hope you have removed those positive thoughts and loaded up on lots of alcohol and drugs, my friend. :(

Purna said...

Yes, he is. FUCK ABISM!
The alcohol and drugs are next.