"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Cricket is ruined

WHY GOD WHY?

You allowed the rain gods to grant the Poms a victory. I sulked, but accepted it.

You gave Graeme Swann wickets. I avoided it with great pain, but I accepted it.

Then you gave Swann runs. I narrowly escaped life-long coma trying to avoid that, but somehow I managed.

England drew the first test, I sighed. But accepted it.

Alastair Cook got a century, I was asleep so didn't have to see the atrocious occurence. Then he got out, so again, I accepted it.

Ian Bell is 55 not out and they have a 43 run lead. My new watch is resting in peace but I still accepted it.

Now Watson has a test century...you have snatched everything away from me! I AM RUINED! Left with no more humour in my life. Only painful tears like those in Sarah Palin's eyes. I am shattered, distressed, crooning to Barry Manilow songs. My days are dark and dreary. Which cricketer will I make fun of now?

Can Mascarenhas replace Jimmy please?

14 comments:

Sidthegnomenator said...

I'm so happy Watto finally did it ... not so happy about Bell and Mascara Man though.

I think maybe you need to add some rabid tigers to the pen in your basement of lions.

Vim said...

Watto tried his hardest not to. How to go from sprinting to using a zimmer frame in about 30 seconds. He hit the 90's and shut up shop. MJ decided that if Watto wasn't going to play, neither was he. Watching Pakistan bowling very wide and two mainly aggressive and not very bright batsmen twisting their minds in two over trying not to chase the bowling was pretty funny really. MJ broke ranks first.

What is going on with the Saffers? Did beating Oz in Oz really take so much out of them they are still recovering?

Gabrielle said...

I'm actually happy for Watto I somehow kind of like him (dunno why, can't explain),but seriously Ian Bell?!...come on Saffers, what are we doing? He usually piles on the runs exclusively against the minnows...what's happening to our bowling? As sad as it may be I really think it's the end of the rod for Ntini, maybe it's time to give Friedel a chance

Vim said...

That was a poor attempt by Amla just before tea, why play a shot at all? He was looking quite loose out there, bat away from body and all that. Swann isn't as good as they are making him look!

Reisa said...

Purna, I simply cannot have this! Mascaraman making a century? Ian Be...*sputter and stammer* Bell getting past 50? And swannyg looking and thinking he can bowl... this is all very disturbing. Clearly your victims are taking a stand against you.

I second the rabid tigers as a solution.

I'm strangely pleased for the muppethead. He brought a new dimension to the nervous 90s. Was quite entertaining to watch.

missjane said...

Don't worry too much, P: the cricket gods (to whom Hauritz may or may not belong, depending who you ask) are about to re-assert themselves, because the natural order of things has been challenged for way too long:

- Watson will injure himself (possibly during warm up tomorrow) as it is *clearly* wrong for him to be both uninjured AND actually get a century (Sorry, Watson, I do love you, really, it's just the way it is...)

- One of the 18 other English #3's will do something awesome and Bell will be dropped (English selectors... need I say more?)

- Not sure about Cook, it's possible his disaster will have to wait til the Bangladesh series... I'm not sure yet whether 1. he won't be captain despite being annointed FEC since the age of two, upon which he will suffer complete disintegration 2. he will be captain and they'll lose the series OR 3. they won't lose but the stress of captaincy will destroy his batting. Of course, all of the above is a possibility...

OK, I have to admit some ambivalence on Cooky. I saw him get his first Test century and have always had a soft spot... it might actually be best if they stop all the FEC crap and he could just get on with his batting, which can be rather nice. *ahem* Except against the saffers, of course!

Soulberry said...

And now South Africa is on the verge of losing this match!

Aditya said...

A real bad end of the year for you!

Hopefully the start of 2010 will be better with Watto being injured(finally!) and bell and cook failing in the next two tests and them being dropped! and SA winning the series 2-1 ! :)

The would be the best start to 2010 wouldn't it?

Purna said...

Sid, good thinking. I will shop for rabid tigers soon.

Vim, bahahaha. That was funny.
The Saffers, they are being infected by Mickey and Biff's acid mouths. You know, as an Aussie, you really should make more fun of them. That's they only way they seem to win!

Gabi, maybe it's his non-stop joy spreading.Bell got to his century sooo comfortably. It was PATHETIC.

Reisa, yes the muppet should get his last wish before being slammed by Whayle no?

Missjane, is this why the Saffers are losing? Because Hauritz is a cricket god and he is taking revenge. Tell him to stop Missjane pleeeeaaseeee :(.
And Cook will be captain and his batting will suck. Plus Shakib will get his wicket all the time.

Soulberry, on the verge? They have already lost.
Welcome btw.

Purna said...

Adi, sorry I posted that before replying to you. Yes it would be much, much, MUCH better. Can you make it happen?

Aditya said...

Well it would need not only my powers but also your's and loads of others to join in as well. We are asking for too many things at a time !

Vim said...

I could make fun of them, but I really resent that Swann is suddenly being seen as Murali and Warne's equal, so my sense of humour about the current SA v Engl series has been erased from the USB key of my brain.

He's a fucking off-spinner and the ftardish Oz and Saffer batsmen .
are/have making/made him look like he is a leggie or a Lankan with a mystery ball.

Purna said...

I am just asking for a Saffa win. They cannot lose a home series to the Poms. The Aussies, I can take. We killed them at home and they came back to bite us in the ass. But not the Poms.

Vim, I think the Oz and Saffa batsmen should be punished severely for committing this heinous crime.

missjane said...

Just to clarify, Purna, Sid is the one that worships Hauritz; praps if you ask nicely she'll say some prayers for him to withhold his vengeance. :)