To my Bdeshi boys

Dear Bangladeshi Cricketers,

I am very upset at the news that Shakib is now the 5th bowler this season to have been injured. With Mortaza, Rubel, Nazmul and Razzak all out/recovering (but still playing!) and the Zimbabweans coming to our land for revenge...this is not good. I have been waiting for the day when I could watch all my awesome yet grievously under-rated boys in the same team, ripping the opposition apart. It seems that day will never come and that makes me very, very sad.

Shakib bowled a dangerous amount of overs and batted for long hours in both the recent Tests and ODI's. He is a wicket-taker and an amazing batsman...but there is no need to cut his career short! It happened to Mortaza, it happened to Rubel and now it's happening to Shakib. Our team is growing as an unit and most (stress on most) current players are of the same level. Yes, Shakib and Mortaza are above you...which is why they have extra responsibilities of being Captain and Vice-Captain. That is enough to keep them busy! Support our leaders so they can play for many years to come and take our team to the heights that they deserve to be in! You lot win games because you are freaking talented. BELIEVE!

Also, stop going to Australia for treatment. Ricky Ponting has instructed them to do further damage to your bodies so that his sorry excuse for a team can win against you at the Twenty20 World Cup next year.

Special shout out to Siddons: hit Ashfarul whenever possible. If he doesn't fulfill his destiny as one of the top-ranked batsman in the world, you can lock him up with Brett Lee. Listening to Lee sing for eternity...that will be his punishment.

AB read my blog!

The proof: he dyed his hair brown.


Taken at the recent launching ceremony of the 2009/10 season. I hope this does not effect his cricket...it doesn't really do much for his looks!

What do you think Graeme is laughing at? Maybe I should turn this one into a competition. The best answer gets the clothes that don't fit Biff anymore...because of the weight gain, not the alleged loss.

England in the news

1) When it rains so much that even a freaking 2 hours match has to be canceled, it's time to take cricket away from that ground forever. Although, that would mean taking cricket away from most grounds in England. Why does that not make me sad?

2) Flintoff aims to finish his career with a World Cup win. Yup, they won the Ashes against the shittiest Australian team ever, so that must mean that in two years they will take over the throne from the reigning Champions. Andrew, you forgot your medicine again. Till you take them, please refrain from giving interviews that has the potential to create the same happy effects as illegal drugs in the readers.

Oh also, give him a few months and you will be watching him bowl at 90mph again. I am delighted to announce that Freddie Flintoff will be out of all forms of the game by next summer due to injuries. He sustained them while trying to show off.

The End

Showing us who they are

I found this video on Mary Jane's blog, about AB De Villiers. It's in Afrikaans so Brandon has to translate it for me. But from what I saw, AB seems to be shooting a video for 'Show them who you are' with Ampie Du Preez. They are both dressed like Siamese twins in white t-shirts and jeans, standing on top of a rooftop and singing. The situation concerns me. I hope this is a phase that AB is going through. He is easily one of the best cricketers of the new generation and smoking hot, on top of being excellent at everything he does. But this is one department where what he touched did not turn into gold. I don't know how the song has been doing in SA or how many people are actually dying to watch the video, but it is HORRENDOUS! AB sounds like a bathroom singer and the lyrics make you cringe. The video looks equally painful. Even AB's dashing looks will not be able to save this one...unless maybe, you put it on mute. Maybe.

I implore you AB, do not follow Brett Lee and become a joke. We are being subjected to his atrocious singing at the World Cup 2011 opening ceremony, which is taking place in Bangladesh. It's been officially marked in our calendars as Dooms Day. We always knew God would punish us for our bad deeds, but we had never imagined that the our last memory on Earth would be of a blond, Australian fast bowler crooning to the Backstreet Boys.

AB's baby pics, shown later on in the video, do look cute though. The guy was a born heart-breaker. I tried to find some pictures online for your aesthetic pleasure but the search was a failure. So you will have to go through the video to see them. Don't pretend like you won't. You too think he is hot and want to know what AB De Villiers has that you don't. Enjoy!

Thanks MJ!

He got to Sanga too! Lee is a contagious disease!

Best Question Ever

Q. Are you and Jacques closet lovers?
A: Ha Ha very funny. Just mates thank you very much!!!!

Obtained from Mark Boucher's website. Isn't he awesome? Isn't he just the guy you want to hang out and have silly conversations with for hours and hours? Mark is the funniest cricketer to have ever lived. Some of the questions posted to him are stupid and not cricket related at all, and the guy still answers them. My good friend Brandon posted this one:

Q: Megan Fox or Adriana Lima?
A: Ouch! Can't I have both?

Ok, so he is a little horny. But give the guy a break. He just broke up with his long time girlfriend. He is allowed to do a little shopping. Although, if he's shopping in the juniors department for too long, we might have to call upon Michael Jackson's defense team.

But even then, Mark is much better than other cricketers. He patiently tolerated giggly teenagers asking about AB's relationship status till he had his own site..and even after because AB apparently won't answer their questions. Have a sense of humour, AB! You don't have to just talk about techniques and cricketing dreams all the time! Although, seeing as he has been trained to be the perfect poster boy, I can see why that will be a problem.

Q: Are you single AB?
A: Hi, thanks a lot for your support. I take singles as often as I can because it's important to get settled in before hitting the big shots. It also keeps the score board ticking and helps the team and I always put the team first. Stay sharp!

Q: That is not what I asked...
A: Hi, thanks a lot for your support. I always stay positive and believe in myself. That is how I achieve my goals. Stay sharp!

Q: The colour of your hair is blond for good reason eh?
A: Oh...can you please post your questions on Mark's website? Stay sharp!

Mark wants to open a dating agency and charge the single Saffa boys every time a girl inquires about them. If he had done this, Biffy would have been hitched a long time back and Morne would not have been sick of being single. AB doesn't need help in the dating department. He can woo them with his singing.

My only problem is, Mark didn't answer my latest question. It was regarding who gets more girls between him and Hersch. But, maybe he hasn't been able to get to mine yet because he has answered my questions in the past. I will wait patiently till he updates his Ask Mark section. Then, ff my question fails to pop up there...well, I'll decide later. At the moment I am too bowled over by his coolness.

Btw, don't even think about posting hilarious questions to Mark. Brandon and I are on a mission to take over his website and you will never be as funny as us. So just don't try.

Numero Uno

Ok, so I had a moment there in the last post. But now I am back because SOUTH AFRICA IS THE NUMBER ONE TEST AND ODI TEAM IN THE WORLD!!!! I am delirious with excitement. It is irrelevant that it happened at the cost of an English win. England didn't win, Australia lost. That is what my Cricinfo tells me and I believe it.

I have been waiting for this day for ages. Frankly, I would have been much more happier if it had actually happened under Hansie's reign with Polly, Jonty, Zulu and Allan all in the team. That was the greatest South African team ever! BUT, I love this new team just as much and they deserve every bit of this title.

I wonder how this will change SA cricket. The Windies and Aussies were both indomitable during their years and feared widely because of their meanness. The Saffers are comparatively nicer. They also haven't won any big ICC trophies...yet. But I'm sure all that is about to change. Maybe not the niceness. I would hate it if they all became unnecessarily verbal...except for Bouch. He is hilarious!

I think the era of SA will be marked by calm and cool temperament, ferocious fights, great sportsmanship and of course many, many, many wins. Let the reigning begin!

Who are the chokers now, bitch!

The New Captain Courageous

You may brand me a traitor after this one, but these are rare times when my cricket sensibilities trump my biased love for Bangladesh and South Africa. I've disliked many a cricketer because they weren't Bangladeshi or Saffa (I know it's unreasonable. That is the definition for bias :P) and dismissed them as rubbish cricketers. I have now been proven wrong. What humbles me is the fact that I have been proven wrong by an Australian, which is a big pill to swallow for any Saffa fan. But I will do it. I will do it because people from down under have shown Biffy a lot of love after his heroic efforts. It's only fair that I reciprocate. Also, I don't like Graeme that much and think that Botha should be captain.

Punter and Biffy have similar stories. Both were touted as wrong choices for captaincy and both hated for their cockiness and insecure behaviour. Both grew up and emerged as leaders under the intense scrutiny of the media. But ultimately, both became heroes. We all know Biffy's story. Jeered at by Aussies, limbs broken by Mitchell Johnson, but still coming out to bat to save the last test match. Biffy was given a standing ovation, which he deserved. However, Ricky has upstaged him in this Ashes series. Because not only did Ricky Ponting take a lot of stick from the English and have his lips split wide open, he became the second captain in the history of Australia to lose the Ashes twice.

Yet, he refuses to question his leadership abilities. That is not arrogance. That is a firm belief in himself because guess what? The dude has a fabulous record captaining Australia. Yes, even my grandmother could have captained the team that had Warne, McGrath, Langer, Gilchrist and Hayden in it. But if that was the case, how did Australia lose the Ashes in 2005? And, how did Australia destroy South Africa in their backyard last season? We love to hate him because it's the easy thing to do...most people dislike Punter. But let's face it. He is an amazing leader and an even more amazing batsman. I honestly have never watched Punter play before last summer because I couldn't be bothered. But shit, that tiny, hairy bastard can bat! The fact that he could break Allan Border's record despite being under the continuous pressure of captaining the former number one team in the world, speaks volumes about his ability.

The main reason behind my empathy for Ricky is the fact that he was the only Aussie player in both the Ashes and the home series against South Africa that fought till death. I remember watching SA thrash the Aussies despite great scores from Punter and Punter only, and then Ricky having to come up to the podium to say how his team fought hard. No they didn't. The only people who fought hard were you and Mitch. But it's great that you don't hate them for their stupidity and continue to lead their sorry asses. It's even more awesome that you can do it twice in a span of 6 months. These are true leadership qualities.

The amount of respect that Ricky Ponting commands is astonishing. He has a FB fan page where English supporters have showed up to apologize to him for their embarrassingly bad behaviour during the series. I glanced through some of the 122 comments in the latest post and I think I came across the word 'respect' about 50 times. Apparently, even the English papers could not help but admire his grit and dignity at the face of defeat. Then again, the English are cunning like that. It could only be because they won.

So here's to Ricky Ponting. I admire your courage and bestow upon you the tag of Captain Courageous. Call me whatever you want but I firmly believe in giving respect where respect is due. Biffy at least had a trophy to cuddle with after all the pain. Ponting...well he doesn't even have the number one position anymore.

Two sides of the same coin?

Ricky with his daughter Emmy

Campaign for Morne

Can't be bothered to even have random thoughts about the Ashes anymore. Specially when one of my favourite new era South African bowler has been left out of the squad for the upcoming Champions Trophy. I am launching a campaign to bring Morne back to the sqaud. I have nothing against Peterson and I know its difficult when there are this many awesome players in a team. But, Morne is damn talented and needs to play more to grow as a bowler. He will then take over the world. Why would you not want to campaign for a man who will take over the world? Join in, I'm telling you. He might give you a country or two.

If Morne comes back to the squad not only will he take wickets and trouble the opposition regularly with his immaculate line and length, he will also entertain us otherwise. The boy is multi-talented. Here are his many qualifications apart from being one of South Africa's best discovery in the fast bowling department:

He can cook. Home cooked meals will be good for certain members of the team who clearly have weight issues

He can sing and will subsequently keep the mic away from AB. This will give our ears time to heal after listening to AB's single.

He will use his rock star like looks to distract the fans so that his team mates can focus solely on the game.

He will give his mates lessons in fashion. We all know cricketers these days need to be able to do more than just play.

He fits in comfortably in a bench with the top three pumpkins of the current South African squad. That takes special talent, worthy of a mention in his campaign. Incidentally, these are the same players that he will save with his cooking.

He must come back. This is meant to be Morne's season people. Let him play!

The Ashes: Random thoughts 3

-Any team that gives Broad 5 wickets and Swann 2 wicket maidens should go flush themselves down the toilet

-Then again, Broad's bowling coach was once Allan Donald and he is brilliant

-There are far too many wrong umpiring decisions in this series. The umpires really need to take their job more seriously.

-One of these days, Ricky will bite his fingers off, which will end his career. Clarke will then take over and plummet Australia to 10th position. Moral of the story: Ricky, stop biting your germ-infested nails.

-Zulu is coming back to CSA!!! Oh, is this not Ashes related? It's still far more interesting than this lackluster game being stretched by lucky tail-enders and mediocre bowling.

The Ashes: Random thoughts 2

-Australia didn't have a good day. The only reason they got wickets is because England played shit and Siddle bowled well. So unless they pick up, England might win this.

-If England wins this, it will be the biggest tragedy in the history of test cricket. Why? Because The Poms are shit.

-Swann and Anderson are at war on Twitter. Anderson posted a pic of Swanny stating he has a side profile of a witch to which Swanny replied that Jimmy wet himself today. Here's hoping the Pommies are too distracted by their war to concentrate on..wait..what is it that they are doing right now? Oh yes, playing for the freaking Ashes. Now do you agree that this prestigious cup should not go to these circus clowns?

-Andrew Flintoff is a glory hunter therefore I am very pleased that he got only 7 runs. Kato and Wato must spoil his grand finale further by scoring tons. Not that Wato is capable.

-Cook and Hussey either have suicidal tendencies or are really good entertainers in the change room. Why are they still playing?

-Does nobody realize while shaking hands with Ricky that they have been spit on a million times that day? When he retires, he can consider a career in germ spreading.

The Ashes: Random thoughts

I won't do a full post on the Ashes because England is a joke and Australia is South Africa's arch nemesis. But I will share my random thoughts as I watch the game:

-I am excited about the 5th test...been waiting to watch a good test match since SA vs Aus last summer

-Australia seems to get wickets the minute I watch. Collingwood and Bell both fell soon after I sat in front of the television. Must remember this when Oz plays the Saffas and Bdesh.

-Ian Bell's 50 made me throw up first thing in the morning. Ricky Ponting is responsible for my loss of body fluid so early in the day. Must sue.

-I like Siddle. That dude can bowl. Too bad he is Australian.

-Strauss, Prior, Pietersen and Trott were all born in South Africa. They must be renamed as the South Africa B team. Might earn them more respect.

-Lilly Allen is at the game but Onions has been dropped. The cameraman kept the camera poised on her till she waved upon Warnie and Hussain's incessant begging. Warnie really needs to learn how to keep it in his pants.

-Swann...is...still...in...the...team. This time I died from laughter. Strauss and Flower will be compensating my family for the early loss of their beloved daughter.

Problems with commenting

My friend Stani (never thought I'd say this but you just helped me so you are my friend for TODAY and today only) just informed me that there was something wrong with the comments setting on my blog so some people may have tried to comment without any success. Well I fixed it. I hope all of you who tried (if there are any of you... ) come back and leave your feedback again.

Thanks!

Why Graeme Smith won't lose weight

This one is important. I need to quickly figure out what it is that Biff is storing in his body before the Champions League. His run scoring abilities seems to have been affected by his widening girth. As much as I dislike the guy, he is an excellent opening batsman and South Africa need him to score some freaking runs! So vote and solve the mystery with me. The one with the highest vote will go to CSA so they can help Biffy.

1) He broke his hand, so obviously things like running on a treadmill is impossible!

2) South Africa's been winning too many games so Biff's bonuses have skyrocketed...all of which he is putting towards his stomach.

3) He asked his mirror and the mirror replied 'You, my Captain, are the thinnest of all'.

4) He isn't over his breakup with Minki yet. It's Stage Four: Depression

5) He is friends with Shane Warne. ''He never lost weight...why should I?!''

6) Mark Boucher is feeding him and Jacques Kallis all sorts of junk food to make himself look good. (A question has been posted on Mark's website regarding this. We are waiting for an answer...)

7) He is a hero now anyway. Why should he care about his weight?

8) He thinks gaining weight will get him a girl like Shamone who is dating Jacques .

Go on, vote. And yes, I deliberately didn't mention anything about him being gay. Graeme Smith may be a lot of things, but a homo he is not. Deal with it.

Graeme Swann on Twitter

This really does deserve it's own post. There are oh so many things wrong with this scenario. To begin with Graeme Swann(Swannyg66) has 11,712 followers and giving Jimmy some good competition. Graeme Swann, the most ineffective spin bowler in the history of the game has fans who actually give a shit about what he does on an hour to hour basis. How this nation managed to colonize half of the world I'll never know. And please don't say that the followers can be from other countries as well. I refuse to believe that we live in a world where anyone else, other than the English know/care about Graeme Swann.

Onto his posts. Swann likes to talk about food a lot. His mom cooks him eggs and soldiers when he is sick. Can someone please tell me what soldiers are? Does his mom grab the guards from Buckingham Palace and fry them for her dear Swanny? Maybe that's the secret behind his useless spin bowling. But when mommy isn't there, he eats jelly to kill the bugs. So, Graeme is not just a spin bowler but a medical genius as well. Throw out your antibiotics folks, the jelly soldiers are well equipped to fight your viruses!

Of course if you want to listen to Graeme you also have to cook a pigeon that the cat just brought in. He did wonder whether eating it will be unhealthy...which just may show that he isn't completely insane. But he didn't mention it again, so we will never know what happened next.

A lot of his recent tweets have been about this mysterious illness that he has been suffering from. What will we ever do without knowing that the supposed 24 hours bug lasted three whole days in Swanny's body? It was diagnosed by an INTERNET doctor as Ebola. But just as we are shattered by the news and asking God to cure Swanny he reveals that he ticked the wrong box and it's only athlete's foot. He then wonders where this doctor qualified. Clearly on the heads of imbeciles like you who are fat-headed enough to use his online services. Is this how the English selectors picked Swanny for the Ashes team? They ticked the wrong box on the internet?

Once the mystery has been solved, there is more food talk. Tomato soup followed by strawberry angel delight is the tea of champions. Sounds about right, since no player in the England team actually knows the meaning of the word. But guess what they do know? That breakfast in Transylvanian is vreakfast. I just feel smarter and smarter as I go through his tweets.

The only tweet that interested me was the fact that Andrew Hall, his Northamptonshire team-mate, likes braai a lot. But that was only because Hall is South African and therefore awesome. But if he is friends with Swann I might have to re-think that statement. Andrew if you miss calling someone Graeme that much just give Biff a call. The Proteas are currently in fitness training which means that he is always free. Fitness and Biff don't go together.

Graeme Swann's nickname is apparently Chin because of his big...well chin. Graeme Smith's lower half of the face is also huge. So in conclusion, men named Graeme have big chins. How is that for a random end to a post?

Twittering Cricketers

Is possibly the funniest thing on the web since sliced bread. They have also surprisingly revealed the personalities of certain cricketers exactly as I pictured them. Here are my deductions and conclusions:

Phil Hughes (PH408): is just a little kid after all! He famously outed his exclusion from the third test on Twitter. But he wasn't punished because apparently the timing of the tweet proved that he wrote it after the selectors had already made the final eleven public. Me thinks he showed up with a lollipop in his mouth, said he is 'thorry' and batted his long lashes at Merv Hughes. Of course the fact that they have the same last name had nothing to do with Phil getting away with it. Since the incident, Phil's only had one mundane tweet about the weather being lovely for cricket. Somebody tell him that the saying 'When in Rome' should not be practiced in England. Otherwise we might all become tea sipping, stuffy shirts with bad teeth while visiting the lovely Kingdom.

Chris Gayle (henrygale): is an arrogant twat. I came across him on Twitter during the war between WIPA and WICB. Gayle's tweets were all about how the bosses were playing hardball and of course once the series was lost, he could not help being smug about it. But wait, it gets worse. He then went on to write about his gym sessions where he called his chest 'super duper'! Chris Gayle doesn't need cricket, his super duper chest earns him money.

Which he spends at the Reggae Sumfest and parties at Negril. Fans on twitter (and twitter only) have been asked to join him at the Negril party next year. I suspect if you do, you will get a first hand view of his super duper chest and abs. He will then offer you different kinds of shades all of which will make you look worse than him, since you know, Chris Gayle is the coolest man alive.

Proven by the fact that he has better football skill than Brian Lara. And as we all know, Lara is the best footballer in the history of West Indies Cricket. It's how he scored his many double, triple, quadruple hundreds...with his feet. But despite all of that, the huge crowd at Oval was there to see the big striker-CHRIS GAYLE! He rewarded his fans by scoring 1 goal out of 6 chances. The performance was as epic as the sinking of the Titanic.

James Anderson (JimmyAnderson9): is English. Plain and simply DULL. If you want to know what Jimmy's daughter does at 6am, what he had for dinner and how his wife sounds, by all means follow his Twitter page. The only tweet that deserves some attention is the one where he announces to the world how his irresponsible wife managed to lock their 7 months old daughter and the car keys in the car for an hour and consequently traumatized the kid. Excellent Jimmy. Way to alert social services. Of course if he keeps these kinds of tweets up his wife will eventually leave him and he will be portrayed as yet another cricketer who was a victim of a gold-digger. That will traumatize the daughter further. Note to all future psychiatrists: if you are treating Miss Anderson for various psychological disorders the root of her problems lie in the facts that her father is a horrendously daft twitterer and her mother thinks that a 7 months old can unlock the car and let her in, on the occasion that she leaves her keys inside.

The most fascinating part of Jimmy's twitter page is the fact that he has 12,477 followers. This right here is the reason why England won't come out of the recession. They are too busy learning that Jimmy Anderson is currently watching the last two episodes of season 7 of 24. Without this knowledge, the English would regularly cry themselves to sleep.

The Modi Cometh

The super-star in the making mentioned in my first post is none other than the prolific Shakib-Al Hasan. When Shakib took over the captaincy from the injured Mortaza, lead Bangladesh to a series win in both Tests and ODI's against the West Indies AND clinched all the man-of-the series awards (at last count, the dude has four Blackberry Storms), the first question that came to everyone's mind was how the soul-sucking, money-grabbing Lalit Modi could have overlooked this gem.

The thought of Shakib in the evil Modi's clutches scares the daylights out of me. If Shakib is available for IPL 3, rest assured Modi will do at least one of the following to our wonder boy, if not all:

1) Monopolize his bidding so he becomes the first player in the IPL to be bought for 100,000 thereby prostituting his talents (Sorry JP)

2) Make him appear in ridiculous IPL ads where he will run faster than a Royal Bengal Tiger, leap up in the air to smash bouncers over the rope and produce a stunning delivery that will knock all three wickets out...individually!

3) Promise the next Ms. Bollywood that Shakib will keep her entertained by singing and dancing on the movie sets till the cast and crew arrived.

4) Threaten to check out his ass in front of the cameras if he chose to play for Bangladesh during IPL season.

All this will lead to Shakib being too exhausted to perform for the REAL tournaments. And don't say it won't. The Indians said it happened to them, so it must be true. Ultimately, Shakib's international career will be shortened and Bangladesh will end up as the biggest losers, while Modi launches his new 10/10 version of the game where each team will have to have a minimum of 5 Bollywood stars in their starting line up.

The Modi is coming to get you Shakib, run for the hills!

Run Shakib run!

Herschelle Gibbs is my hero

I've been thinking a lot about what my first post should be on. I thought it should make a statement, then I thought it should be a work of fiction regarding cricket players and their secret lives (I might still do that later) but I finally decided to succumb to my undying love for South African cricketers. I'm not even South African and my country has it's very own super star producing, giant killing, never to be written off team. But I pledged my heart to them when I was eleven and there is no returning it. Hence, my first post is about one of my most favourite South African.

I can already hear your murmurs of alcoholic, match-fixer, weed smoker etc. But these are exactly the reasons why I love Herschelle Gibbs. He is messed up, which makes him interesting. I would love to have a chat with Hersch over a few drinks and play pranks on his saintly team-mates while high. I reckon we would have gifted Jacques with a hairband, left a real croc on Dale's bed and dressed up like Megan Fox for Mark!
He should also be given some sort of award for coming back as many times as he has. He makes mistakes, learns from them, fights for his place and smacks his critics in their faces with his bat. He is a survivor and that makes him a hero in my books. I would say that Hersch's only weakness is that he's not very good at covering his tracks...and has poor taste in women! Honestly Hersch, of all the girls in the world, you had to marry the gold-digger!

I can't for the life of me figure out why anybody would have a hero who has no flaws and had a life that is only possible in Pleasant ville! It doesn't show character at all. No offense to all those well behaved, peachy, momma's boys in cricket (God knows there are enough of them!), but unless you have had a taste of the dark side, you ain't making my Heroes list. My blog, my rules.

Of course no post about Gibbs would be complete without mentioning the six sixes and the epic 175 against Australia in the 438 game. Sure the six sixes was against the Netherlands, but hey aren't they the same team that beat England in the recent 20/20 World Cup? And what can I say about the 175? I too stood up with the 50,000 Saffers at the Wanderers to salute him. And yes, there were tears involved. After all, my hero had just played the innings of a lifetime.

Take a bow, Herschelle Gibbs