"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Friday, June 25, 2010

Warding off injuries

I am not entirely surprised that Australia's bowlers are continuously injured. They have tormented so many teams for so long that all the curses, voodoos and black magic have finally caught up with them. Sure, Shane Warne didn't turn into a toad and Witchy didn't croak like a crow, but he did have to sit this series out because of the most ridiculous injury, an elbow infection caused by a tattoo. Second only to the English buttniggle pandemic of 2009. And in place of Shane Warne, Hauritz.. their.. ahem..next best spinner (*cough*traded down*cough*) now has a foot injury.

Normally, I would laugh. Well, I laughed this time too but then England started to win and Broad came on television a few too many times celebrating wickets. It made me violently ill. So for the sake of my health, I am giving the Aussies tips on how to ward off the injuries before they lose the entire series. I did cast most of them after all.

First, take a handful of Glenn's hair and then put them on Bolly's head. Then make sure Josh touches Bolly's tomato face before bowling. Give the little Piglet a.k.a Smith some ciggies to make him spin like Warne. Ask Twatto to give Bon Jovi of the 80's his hair back and as for Ryano, lower his chest for fuck's sakes!

Lastly, before they all go out, make them- and this is important- listen to Brett Lee songs.

Of course it also helps to win the toss and not choose to bat first with a piss weak bowling attack against a line up that bats deep. But I am not about to give you tips on how to get through to your hairy little goblin.

P.S: When I first wrote this I forgot all about Clinkt McKay, which is exactly how he should be kept injury free. Forget about him and keep him off the field.

4 comments:

Wes ~ PFCNFS ~ said...

Haha making Punter field hahaha. Hahahahaha.

We might indeed see the Legsmith in the Tests, i.e. tests. I am wondering how the bowling will look by then... Smithy, Joshonator, Klint, Boycott's grandmother with a potato... :/

bettiwettiwoo said...

First, take a handful of Glenn's hair and then put them on Bolly's head.

Ah, so that's where we went wrong: we used Glenn's old bathroom rug.

Lastly, before they all go out, make them- and this is important- listen to Brett Lee songs.

Ummm, to make them mad and nauseated? Is that really advisable?

Purna said...

Wes, there are creams that can heal infection from nasty needles. Tell Mitchy to stop being cheap and buy some :P.

Betti, welcome. Well if they become mad and nauseated, maybe they will take it out on the Poms.

Not that it matters anymore.

Sidthegnomenator said...

Purna you've been watching cricket long enough to know that Punter ALWAYS bats first. He knows nothing else.

I suspect his plan may have been to attempt to emulate the India tour - last time we were injured to high hell - by batting huge so the shit bowlers have plenty to defend. Problem is, he forgot the batsmen are even shitter than the bowlers at the moment.

They did their darndest to save our backsides, did Bolly and Tait, but didn't quite manage it. Of course, ask any Englishman and they kicked our arses.