"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Monday, August 17, 2009

Graeme Swann on Twitter

This really does deserve it's own post. There are oh so many things wrong with this scenario. To begin with Graeme Swann(Swannyg66) has 11,712 followers and giving Jimmy some good competition. Graeme Swann, the most ineffective spin bowler in the history of the game has fans who actually give a shit about what he does on an hour to hour basis. How this nation managed to colonize half of the world I'll never know. And please don't say that the followers can be from other countries as well. I refuse to believe that we live in a world where anyone else, other than the English know/care about Graeme Swann.

Onto his posts. Swann likes to talk about food a lot. His mom cooks him eggs and soldiers when he is sick. Can someone please tell me what soldiers are? Does his mom grab the guards from Buckingham Palace and fry them for her dear Swanny? Maybe that's the secret behind his useless spin bowling. But when mommy isn't there, he eats jelly to kill the bugs. So, Graeme is not just a spin bowler but a medical genius as well. Throw out your antibiotics folks, the jelly soldiers are well equipped to fight your viruses!

Of course if you want to listen to Graeme you also have to cook a pigeon that the cat just brought in. He did wonder whether eating it will be unhealthy...which just may show that he isn't completely insane. But he didn't mention it again, so we will never know what happened next.

A lot of his recent tweets have been about this mysterious illness that he has been suffering from. What will we ever do without knowing that the supposed 24 hours bug lasted three whole days in Swanny's body? It was diagnosed by an INTERNET doctor as Ebola. But just as we are shattered by the news and asking God to cure Swanny he reveals that he ticked the wrong box and it's only athlete's foot. He then wonders where this doctor qualified. Clearly on the heads of imbeciles like you who are fat-headed enough to use his online services. Is this how the English selectors picked Swanny for the Ashes team? They ticked the wrong box on the internet?

Once the mystery has been solved, there is more food talk. Tomato soup followed by strawberry angel delight is the tea of champions. Sounds about right, since no player in the England team actually knows the meaning of the word. But guess what they do know? That breakfast in Transylvanian is vreakfast. I just feel smarter and smarter as I go through his tweets.

The only tweet that interested me was the fact that Andrew Hall, his Northamptonshire team-mate, likes braai a lot. But that was only because Hall is South African and therefore awesome. But if he is friends with Swann I might have to re-think that statement. Andrew if you miss calling someone Graeme that much just give Biff a call. The Proteas are currently in fitness training which means that he is always free. Fitness and Biff don't go together.

Graeme Swann's nickname is apparently Chin because of his big...well chin. Graeme Smith's lower half of the face is also huge. So in conclusion, men named Graeme have big chins. How is that for a random end to a post?


Stani Army said...

Swanny's got H1N1....or maybe he's got PH408?

One thing I know he has is one of those faces that you just wanna punch everytime you see it.

Purna said...

I'm glad we found one thing that we agree on. I also want to put him through a wall after the punching.
Maybe little Philly gave him some of his banana germs!

Sorry about the comment moderating, that was a mistake. I fixed it. And I thought it would be easier to read if it was big...but I might change my mind later. Still not satisfied with the final look.

And don't hate on Conventry. I admit our bowling was rubbish but the guy did well. Don't care anyway. Tamim shut his ass up :P.

You won't disappear. You love me too much. FACT.

Stani Army said...

If you have to put him through a wall after punching him, then your punch is not strong enough. Where's that stuff you used to subject me to?

Mistake? Getting pregnant at 60 is a mistake, comment moderation was sly and deliberate.

I won't disappear? You play a risky game. You think you're stubborn? I'm gone now, what me disappear like a Bangladeshi ball off the bat of Charles Coventry.

See how long it takes you to 'apologise' now.

The Cricket Corollary said...

braai = BBQ (Yeah its supercool, but not hamburgers & hotdogs like the Yanks)

ROFL is on Facebook, BTW


Purna said...

It was not sly and deliberate Stani! I didn't know what it exactly did, just wanted to check it out. Stop being a drama queen and re-read the comment. I used the word sorry :P.

Bon, of course it's super cool..Andrew eats it after all. But can you please tell him not to be friends with Swann? It's a disgrace!
That is such a cute picture of ROFL on Facebook. I want to adopt him. What do I have to do to qualify?

The Cricket Corollary said...

Ha ha, adopt you say? I wonder what his wife will say... ;)

I think we should send ROFL millions of messages on FB requesting him to start his own website.


Purna said...

He has a WIFE?? But he's just a kid! I had such high hopes of raising him as my own son...sniff sniff.

We are SUCH STALKERS BON! But it's all for a good cause. We need to let these Saffers know how much we love them. They might not be able to play otherwise :D.

The Cricket Corollary said...

We are creepy, I know ;)

I have never send any questions to AB, only Mark because I know he will answer my silly Q's. I have never asked any cricketers to be FB-palls, I think that's going a bit too far.

I haven't been on twitter in ages, I find it a bit messy. I should probably close my account.


The Cricket Corollary said...

Punter on twitter?????

Chris Gayle?