Graeme Swann on Twitter

This really does deserve it's own post. There are oh so many things wrong with this scenario. To begin with Graeme Swann(Swannyg66) has 11,712 followers and giving Jimmy some good competition. Graeme Swann, the most ineffective spin bowler in the history of the game has fans who actually give a shit about what he does on an hour to hour basis. How this nation managed to colonize half of the world I'll never know. And please don't say that the followers can be from other countries as well. I refuse to believe that we live in a world where anyone else, other than the English know/care about Graeme Swann.

Onto his posts. Swann likes to talk about food a lot. His mom cooks him eggs and soldiers when he is sick. Can someone please tell me what soldiers are? Does his mom grab the guards from Buckingham Palace and fry them for her dear Swanny? Maybe that's the secret behind his useless spin bowling. But when mommy isn't there, he eats jelly to kill the bugs. So, Graeme is not just a spin bowler but a medical genius as well. Throw out your antibiotics folks, the jelly soldiers are well equipped to fight your viruses!

Of course if you want to listen to Graeme you also have to cook a pigeon that the cat just brought in. He did wonder whether eating it will be unhealthy...which just may show that he isn't completely insane. But he didn't mention it again, so we will never know what happened next.

A lot of his recent tweets have been about this mysterious illness that he has been suffering from. What will we ever do without knowing that the supposed 24 hours bug lasted three whole days in Swanny's body? It was diagnosed by an INTERNET doctor as Ebola. But just as we are shattered by the news and asking God to cure Swanny he reveals that he ticked the wrong box and it's only athlete's foot. He then wonders where this doctor qualified. Clearly on the heads of imbeciles like you who are fat-headed enough to use his online services. Is this how the English selectors picked Swanny for the Ashes team? They ticked the wrong box on the internet?

Once the mystery has been solved, there is more food talk. Tomato soup followed by strawberry angel delight is the tea of champions. Sounds about right, since no player in the England team actually knows the meaning of the word. But guess what they do know? That breakfast in Transylvanian is vreakfast. I just feel smarter and smarter as I go through his tweets.

The only tweet that interested me was the fact that Andrew Hall, his Northamptonshire team-mate, likes braai a lot. But that was only because Hall is South African and therefore awesome. But if he is friends with Swann I might have to re-think that statement. Andrew if you miss calling someone Graeme that much just give Biff a call. The Proteas are currently in fitness training which means that he is always free. Fitness and Biff don't go together.

Graeme Swann's nickname is apparently Chin because of his big...well chin. Graeme Smith's lower half of the face is also huge. So in conclusion, men named Graeme have big chins. How is that for a random end to a post?