C'mon Pakistan! You can do it!
Watto your hair is nasty. Go back to the change room and fix that shit.
Preferably when you are on 99.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Oh Bangladesh!
Sixty-five for nothing, they were. In the thirteenth over too. Smashing, hooking, cutting, driving- Tamim and Imrul did it all. Uda was as stunned as we were when we first heard his name.
Then the brain explosions started happening. Shockingly, Shakib was a part of the brain explosion, and Ashraful was not! He is the reason we got to 260 actually, along with Mushfiq's cameo and Mahmudullah's knock. I swear Mushfiq is the tiniest thing to ever hold a bat. Whenever he hits a four, I am always on the edge of my seat because I am sure that he will fly to the boundary with the ball. But he never does, bless his tiny structure.
Right, so 260 wasn't ideal with the start they got, but it was marginally defendable right? Even with Bangladesh.
Wrong. The other team has Dilshan. And with him even 400 is not a defendable total. Add our fast bowlers to that and one over from Ashraful (Shakib, my love...HE CAN'T BOWL) and it's a comfortable victory.
Fucking Dilshan, making my life miserable. Do it against other teams honey, otherwise I may have to injure you.
On second thought, maybe I will injure you...
Then the brain explosions started happening. Shockingly, Shakib was a part of the brain explosion, and Ashraful was not! He is the reason we got to 260 actually, along with Mushfiq's cameo and Mahmudullah's knock. I swear Mushfiq is the tiniest thing to ever hold a bat. Whenever he hits a four, I am always on the edge of my seat because I am sure that he will fly to the boundary with the ball. But he never does, bless his tiny structure.
Right, so 260 wasn't ideal with the start they got, but it was marginally defendable right? Even with Bangladesh.
Wrong. The other team has Dilshan. And with him even 400 is not a defendable total. Add our fast bowlers to that and one over from Ashraful (Shakib, my love...HE CAN'T BOWL) and it's a comfortable victory.
Fucking Dilshan, making my life miserable. Do it against other teams honey, otherwise I may have to injure you.
On second thought, maybe I will injure you...
T3D2: First good day
Not the perfect day but after that start, who would have thought SA would still come out on top in the end? Well again not really quite on top, but smothering England with half their body weight surely. And with Biff and Jakes in the side, the scale's already hit the limit.
Seeing as I love South Africa and love England even more, I have to mention that five out of the seven Pom wickets came because of stupid shots. Strauss, Bell, KP, Trott, Cook all played appallingly to lose their wickets. I fell out of the couch laughing at the Bell shot! Oh Samantha...you were on 48 and you decided to go typically Bell. And KP's wicket was the funniest shit I had every seen. It seems that KP's weaknesses are spinners and his own over confidence. What I didn't realize was that the combination of the two would delude him into think Steyn was a spinner and play him like one. Fucking dumbass! And oh Mascaraman, aren't you the great one who had saved your career? Even after scoring 65 runs, you go out like a wuss. BAHAHAHA!
But let's not take anything away from Morne and Dale. I can finally breathe because the chipmunk seems to be back on form. All that hatred and nasty thoughts paid off! I always knew Morne was going to be fucking awesome. He can thank me later for the door-to-door campaign by picking up a fifer tomorrow. Friedel didn't get a wicket but he was dead accurate most of the time (Polly, we may have found your replacement!). For all the rubbish that Jakes bowled, he still had the lowest economic rate- another testament to Pom batsmen. JP was JP and Paul was...well a South African spinner. Sigh, it was nice while it lasted.
Swannyg66 is there and as much as I would like to think so, this is not over yet. Prior seems in good form and unless the Saffa bowlers bowl like Jimmy did this morning they might still get away. Damn that Jimmy! He was unplayable and I can't even hate him for it! Well he is friends with Swanny, so maybe I can a little bit.
Back to the relevant stuff. It's always a good thing when Morne and Dale are our top wicket takers because they are each others' competition, which means they will try that much harder. Of course, we can't relax even if England are out soon tomorrow because the top/middle/lower Saffa order may collapse on their own.
FML.
Seeing as I love South Africa and love England even more, I have to mention that five out of the seven Pom wickets came because of stupid shots. Strauss, Bell, KP, Trott, Cook all played appallingly to lose their wickets. I fell out of the couch laughing at the Bell shot! Oh Samantha...you were on 48 and you decided to go typically Bell. And KP's wicket was the funniest shit I had every seen. It seems that KP's weaknesses are spinners and his own over confidence. What I didn't realize was that the combination of the two would delude him into think Steyn was a spinner and play him like one. Fucking dumbass! And oh Mascaraman, aren't you the great one who had saved your career? Even after scoring 65 runs, you go out like a wuss. BAHAHAHA!
But let's not take anything away from Morne and Dale. I can finally breathe because the chipmunk seems to be back on form. All that hatred and nasty thoughts paid off! I always knew Morne was going to be fucking awesome. He can thank me later for the door-to-door campaign by picking up a fifer tomorrow. Friedel didn't get a wicket but he was dead accurate most of the time (Polly, we may have found your replacement!). For all the rubbish that Jakes bowled, he still had the lowest economic rate- another testament to Pom batsmen. JP was JP and Paul was...well a South African spinner. Sigh, it was nice while it lasted.
Swannyg66 is there and as much as I would like to think so, this is not over yet. Prior seems in good form and unless the Saffa bowlers bowl like Jimmy did this morning they might still get away. Damn that Jimmy! He was unplayable and I can't even hate him for it! Well he is friends with Swanny, so maybe I can a little bit.
Back to the relevant stuff. It's always a good thing when Morne and Dale are our top wicket takers because they are each others' competition, which means they will try that much harder. Of course, we can't relax even if England are out soon tomorrow because the top/middle/lower Saffa order may collapse on their own.
FML.
Pie Chuckers Anonymous
Man 1: Hi my name is Witchy and I am a pie chucker.
Everyone: Hi Witchy.
Witchy: I guess it really started when I got into reading tabloids so I could connect with my vice captain, who is the reigning queen of the Aussie tabloids these days. Anyway, before long my mum was on it saying horrible things about the love of my life. That's when I first started chucking at the home of Cricket. I recovered momentarily, when my captain pointed out that at least my mum didn't say I wasn't an all-rounder. But the whole time I got my line and lenght right I kept thinking 'chuck, chuck, chuck'. It kept calling me. I tried to fight it again and again, but it just grips your brain you know. Asking you to let the batsman score runs, like the ICC. I liked to do it with the new ball most of the time. But thankfully, I ended the year with an award and as the world's top wicket taker. That is really why I am leading the meeting today, to let you all know that even when you are deep in pies...there is a smell of hope somewhere.
Everyone claps. Witchy starts to leave and then comes back.
Witchy: I also scored 500 runs BTW. See, I am an all-rounder after all.
Silence. Witchy walks off uncomfortably. An annoyed man comes to the stage next.
Man 2: Hi my name is Durby and I am a pie chucker.
Everyone: Hi Durby.
Durby: See, I came into cricket to be a pie chucker. I never had any aspirations for anything else. Sure, I pretended to be useful and good once upon a time, but to take advantage of the system you have to be in the system first. So I sealed my position in the team and then started chucking. Witchy resisted it, which is why he fell on and off the wagon. Me, I just let it drip through my nerves to my fingers and fire. Chuck, chuck, chuck. Oh, I love the sound of that. My aim is to be the king of pie chuckers. Sometimes I may get some wickets and beat the batsman, but that's only to ensure that I am never dropped from the team. I am attending this meeting to let you know that there is NOTHING wrong with chucking my friends.Specially when you are overseas where they naturally fear you because you are a spinner from India. I'm telling you folks, when you are deep in pies, it is soft and wonderful.
Some cheer guiltily, others boo half-heartedly. But the meeting is done for this week. Next week we meet some more of our fellow chuckers. Now onto the refreshments table where we are serving...apple pies!
Everyone: Hi Witchy.
Witchy: I guess it really started when I got into reading tabloids so I could connect with my vice captain, who is the reigning queen of the Aussie tabloids these days. Anyway, before long my mum was on it saying horrible things about the love of my life. That's when I first started chucking at the home of Cricket. I recovered momentarily, when my captain pointed out that at least my mum didn't say I wasn't an all-rounder. But the whole time I got my line and lenght right I kept thinking 'chuck, chuck, chuck'. It kept calling me. I tried to fight it again and again, but it just grips your brain you know. Asking you to let the batsman score runs, like the ICC. I liked to do it with the new ball most of the time. But thankfully, I ended the year with an award and as the world's top wicket taker. That is really why I am leading the meeting today, to let you all know that even when you are deep in pies...there is a smell of hope somewhere.
Everyone claps. Witchy starts to leave and then comes back.
Witchy: I also scored 500 runs BTW. See, I am an all-rounder after all.
Silence. Witchy walks off uncomfortably. An annoyed man comes to the stage next.
Man 2: Hi my name is Durby and I am a pie chucker.
Everyone: Hi Durby.
Durby: See, I came into cricket to be a pie chucker. I never had any aspirations for anything else. Sure, I pretended to be useful and good once upon a time, but to take advantage of the system you have to be in the system first. So I sealed my position in the team and then started chucking. Witchy resisted it, which is why he fell on and off the wagon. Me, I just let it drip through my nerves to my fingers and fire. Chuck, chuck, chuck. Oh, I love the sound of that. My aim is to be the king of pie chuckers. Sometimes I may get some wickets and beat the batsman, but that's only to ensure that I am never dropped from the team. I am attending this meeting to let you know that there is NOTHING wrong with chucking my friends.Specially when you are overseas where they naturally fear you because you are a spinner from India. I'm telling you folks, when you are deep in pies, it is soft and wonderful.
Some cheer guiltily, others boo half-heartedly. But the meeting is done for this week. Next week we meet some more of our fellow chuckers. Now onto the refreshments table where we are serving...apple pies!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Beware Sri Lanka
You are taking on the most successful Bdesh team tomorrow, after all. According to this article on Crapinfo, the BD boys won 14 of their 19 ODI's this year. Mostly against crappy Windies and Zimbabwe teams yes, but the Lankans were full strength.
I am not going to be too excited because with my countrymen it doesn't mean much. They are brain explosion specialists and has yet to carry their success on from series to series. But hey, at least we didn't lost 6-1, crash out of a semi final or lose against a depleted bowling attack.
Let's not upset that record tomorrow children.
(Thanks for sending the article in Adi)
I am not going to be too excited because with my countrymen it doesn't mean much. They are brain explosion specialists and has yet to carry their success on from series to series. But hey, at least we didn't lost 6-1, crash out of a semi final or lose against a depleted bowling attack.
Let's not upset that record tomorrow children.
(Thanks for sending the article in Adi)
T3D1: Dictionary of Saffa batsmen
Graeme Smith: Extremely lucky till he goes to lunch and inhales everybody's share of the food. Today, he ate Jimmy's dessert. Jimmy stuffed his locker with bitter lemon ice cream and sent him back to stuff his face some more. (Graeme didn't eat it as it was fat-free).
Ashwell Prince: Epic cockhead who likes to sit in the dressing room and watch the game for the first two days. Likes to act shocked upon losing his wicket. He's only fooling Procter, no one else.
Hashim Amla: Tries to get in a couple of fours and good shots before inevitably falling leg before to the same bowler he smashed. Hash is a kind and loving individual who can't bear to watch other people in misery. Needs to be sent to boot camp to learn how to translate his skills into utter destruction of bowling attacks that have Barbie.
Jacques Kallis: (Needs a couple of volumes to be described accurately) Targetted to be Jimmy's bunny. Jimmy even bought a pink rabbit suit for him, but Jakes prefers to reply with centuries. Just don't be wooed by Jimmy tomorrow okay Jaksey?
AB de Villiers: Biff's understudy. Might be secretly in love with Biff's shockingly bad shots. Needs to get over himself and not make mistakes that cost him his wicket at crucial times. That's thrice in three tests now shithead.
JP Duminy: Gave Swannyg66 two wickets in two balls. Got my hopes up in the beginning of the season and then went on to become South Africa's Ian Bell. If he had hair, I would have shaved it off. What the hell, I'll shave his head anyway.
Mark Boucher: Thankfully, Jakes' understudy. Saving Saffers with his best friend since the beginning of time. Is shockingly still single, even after hitting Swann for three consecutive fours. Girls in Saffaland have bad taste I tell you.
Dale Steyn: Has found his new calling. Will open the batting for South Africa by the end of the year surely.
Kevin Pietersen: Rejected, hated and ridiculed but still has his heart set in Saffaland. Misfielded duly to let Bouch have his fifty and picked up the ball to bowl short and allow his lover to get a hundred. Looked away from the camera to hide his glee while clapping for Jakes. Still rejected, hated and ridiculed.
Ashwell Prince: Epic cockhead who likes to sit in the dressing room and watch the game for the first two days. Likes to act shocked upon losing his wicket. He's only fooling Procter, no one else.
Hashim Amla: Tries to get in a couple of fours and good shots before inevitably falling leg before to the same bowler he smashed. Hash is a kind and loving individual who can't bear to watch other people in misery. Needs to be sent to boot camp to learn how to translate his skills into utter destruction of bowling attacks that have Barbie.
Jacques Kallis: (Needs a couple of volumes to be described accurately) Targetted to be Jimmy's bunny. Jimmy even bought a pink rabbit suit for him, but Jakes prefers to reply with centuries. Just don't be wooed by Jimmy tomorrow okay Jaksey?
AB de Villiers: Biff's understudy. Might be secretly in love with Biff's shockingly bad shots. Needs to get over himself and not make mistakes that cost him his wicket at crucial times. That's thrice in three tests now shithead.
JP Duminy: Gave Swannyg66 two wickets in two balls. Got my hopes up in the beginning of the season and then went on to become South Africa's Ian Bell. If he had hair, I would have shaved it off. What the hell, I'll shave his head anyway.
Mark Boucher: Thankfully, Jakes' understudy. Saving Saffers with his best friend since the beginning of time. Is shockingly still single, even after hitting Swann for three consecutive fours. Girls in Saffaland have bad taste I tell you.
Dale Steyn: Has found his new calling. Will open the batting for South Africa by the end of the year surely.
Kevin Pietersen: Rejected, hated and ridiculed but still has his heart set in Saffaland. Misfielded duly to let Bouch have his fifty and picked up the ball to bowl short and allow his lover to get a hundred. Looked away from the camera to hide his glee while clapping for Jakes. Still rejected, hated and ridiculed.
Surprise, surprise
Ashy P is the first wicket to fall. Fourth ball. The Saffers are 1-1.
Surely, Hersch would have done better. But of course now that Makhaya has been dropped, they dare not drop another coloured player lest the politicians go all loco on their asses.
Hi politicians, Hersch is also a player of colour. And a better batsman. Let them pick Herschelle for fuck's sakes! And get your fucking nose out of sports!
Sensing my anger, Swannyg66 has just dropped his namesake. He tries so hard to get in my good books, the poor dear.
Surely, Hersch would have done better. But of course now that Makhaya has been dropped, they dare not drop another coloured player lest the politicians go all loco on their asses.
Hi politicians, Hersch is also a player of colour. And a better batsman. Let them pick Herschelle for fuck's sakes! And get your fucking nose out of sports!
Sensing my anger, Swannyg66 has just dropped his namesake. He tries so hard to get in my good books, the poor dear.
Don't be sad Makhaya
Now that it has finally happened, thank fucking god, I can freely show Makhaya some love. No hard feelings Maky. But keeping you in the team after that performance would have been controversial causing you endless stress and pressure, which you wouldn't have to lived up to. That would have caused you even more misery. So this really is for the better. See, I am always thinking of you.
But fear not, I have found alternative ways for you to contribute to a Saffa win. Ready?
1) Give the Poms food poisoning
I believe that shit is raw and giving it to Strauss would result in lots of salmonella babies multiplying in his intestines. Won't that be something? Seeing as Strauss is desperate to overturn history, he can do it by being the world's largest in vivo bacteria breeding site.
2) Tell them they are going to Hogwarts
And present them all with eco-friendly brooms. Eleven Pommies trying to lift off the ground in robes and pointy hats on some green stick. That's a best seller right there. Of course to put it in the all time best list, Tim Bresnan has to be included. Halfway through the book, his stick will go on strike and demand that Bresnan lose weight. Stick, strike...geddit? I hope J.K. Rowling's reading this.
3) Stroke KP like a cat
Or hold him close to your bosom to convince him Saffers still love him.
"KP come back, we miss you. Jakes is fucking around."
Then when he comes back give him a wedgy, an atomic one.
See, you don't need to be on the field with a ball to help the Saffers. The opportunities are all around you my friend, you just have to grab it.
Ooh, the cricket is about to start.
But fear not, I have found alternative ways for you to contribute to a Saffa win. Ready?
1) Give the Poms food poisoning
I believe that shit is raw and giving it to Strauss would result in lots of salmonella babies multiplying in his intestines. Won't that be something? Seeing as Strauss is desperate to overturn history, he can do it by being the world's largest in vivo bacteria breeding site.
2) Tell them they are going to Hogwarts
And present them all with eco-friendly brooms. Eleven Pommies trying to lift off the ground in robes and pointy hats on some green stick. That's a best seller right there. Of course to put it in the all time best list, Tim Bresnan has to be included. Halfway through the book, his stick will go on strike and demand that Bresnan lose weight. Stick, strike...geddit? I hope J.K. Rowling's reading this.
3) Stroke KP like a cat
Or hold him close to your bosom to convince him Saffers still love him.
"KP come back, we miss you. Jakes is fucking around."
Then when he comes back give him a wedgy, an atomic one.
See, you don't need to be on the field with a ball to help the Saffers. The opportunities are all around you my friend, you just have to grab it.
Ooh, the cricket is about to start.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Mohammad Aamer
Is on his way to becoming a full-fledged Pakistani fast bowler. He burst into the cricket scene at an age when some boys are still trying to grow proper facial hair and sliced through the likes of Michael Huss...err..Ricky Ponting.
People got excited, as they tend to when a new Pakistani fast bowler is on the rise. They are amazing to watch, just like Windies fast bowlers. But somehow Pakistan makes them younger and faster. Aamer's face looks like he should be in a crib, googooing and gagaing. Instead he bowls balls that crack ribs.
But just when people tune in specifically to watch them play, something happens. With the last exciting Pakistani fast bowler it was drugs. With Aamer it's an injury. A groin injury.
*Insert over-used Shoaib joke here*
Next Aamer will hit a team mate, sustain some more injuries, talk shit about the PCB and then sue them. In between, if he has some time for drugs, he will do that too.
Of course I am hoping for none of the above because I quite like Aamer and want him to be up there with Kemar Roach one day. But the groin injury has got me all worried. Because Pakistani fast bowlers also seem to be lacking guidance or common sense. Maybe both, if they are really special.
*Insert another over-used Shoaib joke here*
Good news is, this is will be over soon and in that period of time, we will get to watch mini cyborg Philly bat at least once. I am hoping Twatto goes for a duck, while the little one gets a hundred. Just to rub it in Twatto's face.
If only it would stop raining.
People got excited, as they tend to when a new Pakistani fast bowler is on the rise. They are amazing to watch, just like Windies fast bowlers. But somehow Pakistan makes them younger and faster. Aamer's face looks like he should be in a crib, googooing and gagaing. Instead he bowls balls that crack ribs.
But just when people tune in specifically to watch them play, something happens. With the last exciting Pakistani fast bowler it was drugs. With Aamer it's an injury. A groin injury.
*Insert over-used Shoaib joke here*
Next Aamer will hit a team mate, sustain some more injuries, talk shit about the PCB and then sue them. In between, if he has some time for drugs, he will do that too.
Of course I am hoping for none of the above because I quite like Aamer and want him to be up there with Kemar Roach one day. But the groin injury has got me all worried. Because Pakistani fast bowlers also seem to be lacking guidance or common sense. Maybe both, if they are really special.
*Insert another over-used Shoaib joke here*
Good news is, this is will be over soon and in that period of time, we will get to watch mini cyborg Philly bat at least once. I am hoping Twatto goes for a duck, while the little one gets a hundred. Just to rub it in Twatto's face.
If only it would stop raining.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Kallis vs Ponting
I do love good news on the very first day of the year. It's even better when it's bound to piss more than a few people off. The news is that in the last ten years, Jakes has a higher test average than Ponting. The difference is marginal (Jakes: 58.70, Ricky: 58.38) and Jakes actually has about 800 runs less than Ricky. Regardless, I could spend my whole day picturing Jakes detractors banging their head against the wall. Because you know, Jakes' specialty lies in occupying the crease for eternity, rather than scoring runs. Yet the bastard managed to top the averages. *bang bang bang bang bang*
So is Jakes a better batsman than Ricky? It's hard to say. Statistics put the two neck to neck. And these two would be the first to tell you that they are not 'stats men' (*eyes rolled to the back of the head*). Stats themselves can be debated in many ways. So we could sit here and analyze the numbers or start an alternative test of our own to decide who rules, once and for all. I opt for the latter.
Category: Style
Evidence:
Ricky Ponting wears makeup, while Jakes wears girly colours. Jakes may be slightly more creative with his jacket but Ricky seems to be the one on fire. So this one goes to Ricky Ponting, for having nailed the 'Paine is our idol' look at the wrong age. Jakes' version of Mary Poppins is just not on.
Category: Character
Evidence:
Ricky has many faces. For a comprehensive list, you can go here and here but Jakes frequently looks like that, with our without sunglasses. Although Ricky and his wide range of expressions are highly entertaining Jakes has the ability to spring an emotion when least expected.
Note, that is Jakes subtly copying Ricky. So this one goes to Jakes, for always managing to surprise us, pleasantly or unpleasantly. The score is now 1-1.
Catergory: Patience
Evidence: Contrary to what you may be thinking, this is not about crease occupation and therefore the test is not designed to ensure that Jakes win. This is about how patient each of them are based on the people they have to interact with.
Jakes has to wake up in the morning to see Biff's fat face and listen to Ntini be cheerful despite having woeful figures. Of course there's AB singing a few notes of his own songs here and there and Neil McKenzie shows up to put up the toilet seat while Jakes is on it, because he has to go out to bat.
The first face Ricky gets to see in the morning is his own. He then has to spend the rest of the day with Shane Watson's bare chest and girly shrieks, report to Mitchy's mom over the phone, say good things about Tim and Moises and last but not least, approve Pup's Bond undies. Sometimes, he even has to sit at the same dinner table with Lara Bingle.
I think we can safely say that this one goes to Ricky. They were going even, till I realized Pup likes to catch things with his undies. I applaud your patience Ricky.
Oh, so is Ricky the better batsman? Fine. Jakes will take the higher average. For now anyway.
So is Jakes a better batsman than Ricky? It's hard to say. Statistics put the two neck to neck. And these two would be the first to tell you that they are not 'stats men' (*eyes rolled to the back of the head*). Stats themselves can be debated in many ways. So we could sit here and analyze the numbers or start an alternative test of our own to decide who rules, once and for all. I opt for the latter.
Category: Style
Evidence:
Ricky Ponting wears makeup, while Jakes wears girly colours. Jakes may be slightly more creative with his jacket but Ricky seems to be the one on fire. So this one goes to Ricky Ponting, for having nailed the 'Paine is our idol' look at the wrong age. Jakes' version of Mary Poppins is just not on.
Category: Character
Evidence:
Ricky has many faces. For a comprehensive list, you can go here and here but Jakes frequently looks like that, with our without sunglasses. Although Ricky and his wide range of expressions are highly entertaining Jakes has the ability to spring an emotion when least expected.
Note, that is Jakes subtly copying Ricky. So this one goes to Jakes, for always managing to surprise us, pleasantly or unpleasantly. The score is now 1-1.
Catergory: Patience
Evidence: Contrary to what you may be thinking, this is not about crease occupation and therefore the test is not designed to ensure that Jakes win. This is about how patient each of them are based on the people they have to interact with.
Jakes has to wake up in the morning to see Biff's fat face and listen to Ntini be cheerful despite having woeful figures. Of course there's AB singing a few notes of his own songs here and there and Neil McKenzie shows up to put up the toilet seat while Jakes is on it, because he has to go out to bat.
The first face Ricky gets to see in the morning is his own. He then has to spend the rest of the day with Shane Watson's bare chest and girly shrieks, report to Mitchy's mom over the phone, say good things about Tim and Moises and last but not least, approve Pup's Bond undies. Sometimes, he even has to sit at the same dinner table with Lara Bingle.
I think we can safely say that this one goes to Ricky. They were going even, till I realized Pup likes to catch things with his undies. I applaud your patience Ricky.
Oh, so is Ricky the better batsman? Fine. Jakes will take the higher average. For now anyway.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)