Scandalous Part IV

KP is making this too easy.


Doesn't Jakes look completely out of it? How many of more minutes before he falls asleep?

More importantly, how many of these do you think there will be so I can get away with not writing a proper post?

Sulieman Benn Chucking

As the players went to tea, I decided to check my site statistics. Somebody from South Australia landed in my site while googling for 'Sulieman Benn chucking'.

Adelaide is the capital of South Australia.

Is it some coincidence that the search coincided with the players' tea break? Methinks somebody in the Australian camp may be searching for evidence so they can accuse him of chucking during the tea break. That way, if Australia lose this because Benn has hit all the right cracks in the pitch, they can call him a chucker and get away with it.

This is too funny. And now Hussey goes.

C'mon Australia! Hide your inability to play spin under chucking allegations. You can do it!

KP Claus

Dear Santa,

Since I am home for Christmas this year, I would like to give special gifts to those who have adopted me into their hearts. I would like them to know that even though I am loving every bit of my home-coming, I am always 100% English. So please make sure you give these to them from me.

For Barbie: A very pissed off Yuvraj Singh. Trotty told me that's how Broady likes him, not sure why.

For Straussy: The handbook I wrote when I was captain of England. I really feel he could learn from me.

For Swanny: A new chin. He is rather envious of my looks (Between you and me, he really wishes he looked South African)

For Bresy: A book of Afrikaans slang so the ECB can't chastise him anymore. He really needs it, that dom fokker.

For Ravi: The Ashes Dvd. Oh wait, is he even in it? Can you photo shop him in please?

For Cooky: A video of his last few innings so he can learn from his mistakes. What's that? He has it already? Oh...let's get him a brain then.

For Colly: Also a handbook I wrote on captaincy. But this is when I was captain of BRC.

That will be all this Christmas. I do have to spend the rest of my money on my lovely wife and Anil might not let me play next season. Which reminds me, please send Anil my love. I better start sucking up to him from now.

Scandalous Part III

KP speaking to Biff in the dark.


Judging by the look on Biff's face, he must be giving away team secrets.

But why must KP meet Biff in the dark?

Benn & Watto sitting in a tree

The Proposal and the Rejection

The Desperate Plea

The attempt to make Watto jealous

The Anger Management Phase

Watto's Kato Protection Program

Benn's Ultimate Rejection

Moral of the story is: never say no to a man who looks like Walsh. Even if he bowls spin.

South Africa is still number one

India is currently ranked number one in tests.

India's coach is Gary Kirsten.

Gary Kirsten is South African.

Therefore, South Africa(n) is still number one in tests.

Yes? Yes.

Some would call me a bitch, but I prefer 'loyal fan'.

Khekz.

Thank you Australian Press

"Have the West Indies really sent their full-strength team to Australia? Surely the real team must be still on strike, because if this is the best the combined might of the Caribbean can muster, then Test cricket is in terminal decline"
- The Australian

"The series should be cancelled and all tickets refunded"
-Brisbane Courier-Mail

Today showed test match cricket is alive and well. There's also a lot of life left in the West Indies why so many people were writing off as a test playing nation. We weren't able to get on top of them today and they deserve their lead going into day four tomorrow. This test will go right down to the line.
-Ricky Ponting, after day three

Don't know if that statement from Ricky was PR work or he actually meant it. Regardless, the negativity of the Australian Press is fucking annoying. When Australia lose, they obsess over the demise of their team. I get it. Australia used to be in a different stratosphere once upon a time and now they look very much beatable. It's a hard pill to swallow for sports-loving Australians. But fuck, at least obsess over their wins when it does happen!

We all know West Indies is in a sorry state and they have a douche bag for a captain. But going as far as "series should be cancelled and all tickets refunded" over one test? Who the fuck do you think you are? India (another cricket loving nation) also won their second test against Sri Lanka by an innings. And the first test was a pathetic to watch. Did you see anyone talking about cancelling that? Instead they celebrated the win. How very strange of them!

Anyway, now that Benn has orchestrated a brilliant Australian collapse and the Windies are 39 runs ahead, I'm guessing they have gone back to talking about the 'end of Australian cricket'. What a waste of paper!

Go here to read Tony Cozier's thoughts on the issue.

My Feelings Exactly

Oh New Zealand, what did you do? I mean, yes the series is levelled and we can't wait for a good contest, but that was still sad to watch.

Has anyone realized that two out of the three bowlers who got a five wicket haul in these recent tests were from the winning side? Won't it be great if Sulieman Benn made it three out of three?

P.S: I am slightly upset that Aamer wasn't the one with the five. Hmph! Oh well, at least it wasn't Umar Gul!

Shane Warne has a blog!

And it's about poker. His 'about' section calls him a cricketer but the whole website is on how to put a 'spin on things' and make money.

He even took part (hosted? I don't have the patience to go through this) in something called the Poker Ashes. God, some people are obsessive.

What is even more interesting than this blog is how I came across it. A friend bet me that Warnie had a sex tape. Not believing him, I googled it and I found the blog.

Before you get all excited and click on the link, listen to this. There is a picture of him in Las Vegas with Shannon Elizabeth. That's THE girl from American Pie.

Does Shannon Elizabeth know who Shane Warne is? Does she know what cricket is? Actually, does she even know where Australia is? Looks like Warnie was the one who went up to her for the picture.

A google search titled 'Shane Warne sex tape' that lead to a blog with a picture of Shane Warne and Shannon Elizabeth.

Now you can click on the link.

Test Squad

South Africa squad: Graeme Smith (capt), Hashim Amla, Mark Boucher (wk), AB de Villiers, Friedel de Wet, JP Duminy, Paul Harris, Jacques Kallis, Ryan McLaren, Morne Morkel, Makhaya Ntini, Wayne Parnell, Alviro Petersen, Ashwell Prince, Dale Steyn.

-They are hoping that Jakes is fit for the first test. I am not wasting time on hope. They need Jakes. Everybody needs Jakes, but that's a separate issue. I am ordering someone to donate their ribs to him. For the Proteas. No, not you KP. Settle down.

"But I wuv him!"

Note, that picture also qualifies for the Scandalous posts.

-They have five fast bowlers in the squad now. Dale is pretending to be injured while he comes to terms with his addiction to crap and Mak hasn't played since the last ice age. So these are the backups. The problem is, the backups are kind of inexperienced. *puts one toe down in panic mode*

-No Albie Morkel, but Morne instead. There is a God after all.

-No adopted son ROFL. Didn't really expect him to be there. But still. My life is strangely incomplete without aliens.

-Alviro Peterson is in after making an impression in the ODI's. Very nice. Although I am pretty certain he is just there so Ashwell Prince does not get a chance. Ashy P is the official King of players that get sidelined just for the heck of it.

Prediction: Am not making any. I am not Glenn McGrath. Although I do talk to pigeons.