"How shit you must be if I got you out twice!"
-Paul Harris to Andrew Symonds, Perth 2008

Monday, November 30, 2009

Must read

No, my busy day is not over yet. Which is unfortunate because it is 10 at night. Then again what is the difference between day and night when you are a student? It's all deadlines that run your life, sadly.

Nevertheless, I did pop over at Page 2 to procrastinate and stumbled upon this gem of an article. Have a read. It is delightful. Although, I do suspect it is only delightful to those who do not support the Poms. Or Mascaraman. But I won't give too much away. Here:

Goochie checks in

Alan Tyers is officially one of my top Cricinfo authors.

Videos

As I have a busy day and can't post properly, I leave you with these videos to ponder on. The first one is meant for some inspiration for Dale and to remind him that his first test wicket came against England, off a fabulous yorker. The second one is top ten weird dismissals of cricket. Some of them are quite bizzare. Really!

In case you care, I have calmed down and gone back to loving the Proteas. I am still attempting to practice ABism, so I urge you Saffa fans to be positive and happy. And if it doesn't come naturally, use alcohol. It always helps.



Blame Biff

You knew it was coming, the part where I blame Graeme Smith for a Proteas loss. It's extremely satisfying since the Captain gets blamed for all sorts of things anyway. The bowlers were shit, blame the captain. The batsmen collapsed, blame the captain. The player showed up drunk at the game...oh yes, blame the captain!

So here I am blaming the captain, or rather revealing to you all why the Saffers REALLY lost. I have incriminating evidence against Graeme: he never got picked for soccer as he was such a buffalo, so now he is taking it out on South Africa by making shit calls and playing like crap.



What the hell is he saying at the end? Contact who, regarding what? Speak slowly Biffy. S-L-O-W. You know, like the way your brain runs.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

All Talk

In his post-match interview, Graeme Smith has been feeding the media the same old garbage. This garbage has been provided to him by CSA and is his standard answer after every god damn loss. Which, has been a little too often lately.

"From our perspective, we've got a lot of young guys in key decision making areas, and they need to learn quickly and grow with the responsibility that's been put on their shoulders, to move the team forward."
Smith said there was real quality within the South African squad, and they were working towards the future.


The words of interest are 'learn quickly', 'move forward' and not to forget the over used one: 'future'.

So this learning quickly bit, what kind of a pace are we talking about Graeme? The pace with which you used to chase balls when you were a fat-ass only a few months ago? 'Cause I've got news for you. That won't work. And as for learning ANYTHING at all, if this lot don't know how to keep up consistent performances AFTER the 'Golden Eighteen Months', then why are they even in the fucking team?

Other than McLaren and Peterson, ALL OF THEM, were a part of that South African Campaign. And correct me if I am wrong, but CONSISTENCY had a big part to play in those wins. But apparently, even after remaining consistent for a whole season, the Saffers have not learned the trick to it.And the mindset, conditions, opposition tactics are changing so drastically from venue to venue in a span of two days...that all their knowledge and training have become ineffective.

Then we move on to the future talk. We have been hearing about this future for god knows how long. It's been said so many times by Biff in the past few months that I had to look up the definition to make sure I have not been deceived all these years.

The Oxford Dictionary defines the future as 'time that is still to come'. Of course the Oxford Dictionary is English so one might argue that there is some deliberate sabotage going on there. But I fear it is the correct definition. What I don't understand is, what is this future that they keep on referring to and why isn't it here yet? Are we talking about a time when machines have taken over humans? Oh shit! It has happened already. It's called having a Blackberry. Then WHERE IS THIS FUTURE THAT GRAEME AND HIS BOSSES KEEP ON TALKING ABOUT?

(I know the Blackberry reference is random, but I am just really annoyed with my laptop right now)

I'm tired of excuses. Say it like it is Graeme. Tell them you lot are not fulfilling your potentials. Not 'learning' and 'building towards the future', just plain, fucking FAILING to execute your talents.

Then expect another rant from me on why your failure is just a state of mind that you idiots need to get over and not use as an excuse.

Silence

Because I don't even know if this performance is post-worthy. Where do I start? The toss? The decision to bat first? The actual batting? Not even trying to at least put in a decent bowling performance?

I stopped watching after the 6th Saffa wicket fell. Particularly because I didn't want to break my t.v. at 5am in the morning. Also because I couldn't believe I had stayed up in anticipation to watch this.

The Saffers looked like no one had told them that they had a match today. They showed up to the batting crease somewhat dazed from the early morning start but faking confidence. Then as the wickets tumbled, they tried to pretend it was a bad dream that would pass if they hurried back to the pavilion and just got over with it.

I physically wanted to hurt JP Duminy. Not that I would, because I love him. But I wanted to so bad that I considered being dramatic and putting a hole through my wall. Did he actually play that shot? It was wayy to early in the morning and I was half asleep, so someone please tell me. If you are a psychologist I would also like to know what would drive someone to play that shot. He better be kicking himself. Actually I hope right now, the whole team is having a huge kick-fest. Because that's what they deserve. It was just so fucking embarrassing! Even Bangladesh has never embarrassed me like this. And that's saying something!

Tim Bresnan bowled 8 overs and gave 15 runs. Tim Bresnan! Even the Poms are not sure why he is in the team. And the whole time the Saffers looked dumbfounded with his bowling, as if no one had taught them how to face a bowler in their life!

Do I even want to mention Alviro Peterson's 50? No I don't. Because that would be pretending that he was a positive in this fucked up batting performance. There was not a single positive from this game, NONE. Because they were a fucking disgrace and deserve every bit of the humiliation they are feeling right now. I mean seriously...HOW? How did they even come up with this performance? I have no words.

Yeah, yeah, Jimmy was brilliant. Whatever. I never said he wasn't good.

The worst part is, I am still rooting for the Saffers to win the last ODI and at least draw the series. Fucking loyalty causing me stress!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Sreesanth Test

I wasn't too excited to write about this one, specially because Sri Lanka lost and India, if they win the next one, becomes number one in tests. That is till the Saffers take on England of course. But still, number one for a few days is still number one.

Me supporting Sri Lanka also doesn't mean I wanted them to take the series because then they too would have overthrown the Saffers. So I guess as long as they win the next test and the series is a draw, I am fine with India taking this one.

I am also fine with India taking this one because of Sreesanth. Really, I didn't know he was such a good bowler, with all the drama that usually surrounds him. I watched a little bit of the highlights (as my life is getting in the way of watching cricket at the moment), and I have to say the guy bowled well. He seems to have learnt that sometimes, the best way to get on the news is actually play cricket. Even then, a quick look at some of the blogs will tell you that people are patiently waiting for him to open his mouth and say something so incredibly obnoxious that they can go back to making fun of him.

The price of being a bad celebrity.

Anyway, till then he was brilliant and he deserves a round of applause. As does India...and me for resisting the temptation to say something about how Sri Lanka performed. See, I didn't even use a negative term in that sentence. *clap clap*

Ponting has changed!


That's a picture of the Aussies celebrating one of the many wickets that lead the Aussies to victory.
Yet, look at Ricky. He is certainly not mourning the wicket, as that could only be the result of a severe case of brain disorder. But he is also not celebrating like the evil monkey he tends to be when wickets tumble. He is just...walking. Without even a smile on his face. This is so perplexing that even Chris Gayle took his shades off to let us know that he is worried about Ponting's health.

"Talk to us Ricky, we are here for you"

Pakistan- the T20 specialists

I've been waiting to say that for a while now and even though it's unfair because the Kiwis played brilliantly, this is my chance and I refuse to let it go.

Pakistan can't play anything other than T20.

Even their people know it. They were outraged when Pakistan was excluded from the Champions League. But when they crashed out from the Champions Trophy, rather than focusing on the team they accused their captain of match-fixing. A match-fixing allegation for this one might still surface, I am watching the news closely. Maybe Younis Khan paid his team-mates to lose so the PCB can go crying to him again.

Their fast bowlers have been more than impressive, as is customary. Their batting, other than the Akmal brothers, was hideous. I say hideous because 9 of the wickets were on catches, 2 by the bowler and 3 by the wicket-keeper.

So what is it? Inexperience? But only 5 Kiwis in this team have played 20 or more test matches. That's one more than this Pakistani team. Even their man-of-the-match Bond, have played less than 20. And as for the conditions, well their bowlers didn't have any problems with it. And they are young AND inexperienced.

I say it's attention span. Any match more than four hours troubles the Pakistanis. Five days probably wants to make them tear their hair out. Or Shahid Afridi's. Whatever brings more joy.

Think I am full of shit? Go ahead, prove me wrong Pakistan. There are two more tests. Win the series and I will be the first one to say, 'Well what do you know? Pakistan can play tests after all!'. I am more likely to say "The Kiwis were shit and deserved to lose", but if you win, I'll make an attempt. There, now that it's written here, I can't even take it back.

Not that I would because once upon a time, nobody would have doubted a Pakistan win. But the Kiwis won and they were the bomb and Daniel Vettori should have a city named after him! After the series is won, we'll erect a school in that city titled:

'Dan's school for kids who want to Bat,Bowl,Coach,Captain and be a Selector without a magic wand'.

Needless to say I am going to be his first and most beloved student. You should enroll too.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Missing Links

Wayne Parnell and Morne Morkel. I am ecstatic with their performance. Yes, the batting was excellent as well, but we'll get to the batting later. Because, remember how England started? Dale was concentrating very hard on keeping his disgusting form and Parnie was rusty. Then Morne replaced the chipmunk to show them how it's done, Parnie got a wicket and there was no turning back. Bringing Morne back in the team is the best fucking decision Mickey has made since September. Even Dale realized it, because after consistently throwing bricks he went to the dressing room to sulk, where Albie the other shithead gave him a back massage. At least the two out-of-form morons are united in their shittiness.

Regarding the batting, it's about fucking time the middle order added to the good work the Saffa openers have been doing lately. Speaking of Saffa openers, Hashim Amla continues to surprise me. A lot is being said about other players but no one has mentioned that the man who is known more for his patience than his aggressive style, has done very well to make full use of the first 15 overs. He did take Hersch's spot, but in case you missed the part where the cameras zoomed in and the commentators doted on him shamelessly, Hersch is a happy man. As long as Hersch is happy, I am happy. But it helps that Hash is doing such a fantastic job.

AB de Villiers must be thanked profusely for finally getting a big score when the team needed him to. See, it helps when you are telepathically sending negative thoughts to someone. He wanted to shut the voices up (mostly mine), so he freaking assaulted the bowlers to his heart's content. His batting was so good, I feel like buying his CD. Oh, did I just say that out loud? Okay...but I'm a little busy today. So, maybe I'll just watch the replay on repeat for now.

I found this win extra special because my 'favourite' English bowlers Broad and Swann are back and according to Strauss "did well". Apparently, well in his world is 19 overs, 120 runs and 4 wickets. What an overachiever that Strauss is!

I hope that Graeme Swann continues to be wicketless. That is the lovely thought I am leaving you all with for today.

Confused

Luke Wright to James Tredwell:

"Where is AB going to hit his next boundary?"

This way!

Oh you are right, this way!

Both scratch their heads in confusion.

"What about Hash, Biff and Peterson? Are they at least going to tell us where they will hit the ball?"

"Let's just wait for the innings to end..."

Please give generously


KP needs clothes that fit him. For a prelude to this picture, click here and check out Sarah's fantastic photo for further proof that KP needs your generosity.

If you are a Saffa fan, let him know. He will give up his wicket early to repay your kindness. And maybe open the bowling. If you are REALLY generous, he will force Eoin Morgan to play some warm-up footie. We all know what happens to the Poms when they play warm up footie right?

So donate to the 'KP needs new clothes Foundation'. And help save millions of eye sight.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Are we there yet?

This gap between the second and third ODI is so god damn long that I have once again forgotten what the Saffers look like. Honestly, who designed this series? If the rationale between this gap is that every game is either on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday so people can attend...umm..it's not working very well is it? How can a series prolonged by no games for infinite number of days hold any body's interest?

And what the hell are the Saffers doing during these days? I see no pictures of them practicing! Maybe it's because they are too busy elsewhere.

AB: Getting the whole team to buy his new CD. At least that's 16 copies sold, plus Mummy, Daddy and Brother.

Morne: Following Mickey around singing 'Gimme, gimme' in his ears 24/7.

Hersch: Staring into space and visualizing my happy face when he gets that century that's due.

Dale: Reading bedtime stories to his grand kids, so they don't kick him in the nuts for his woeful bowling.

Graeme: Trying to dehydrate Strauss to induce his leg cramp.

Parnie: Telling everybody what a hero he is for coming back from his ankle sprain as fast as he did.

Albie: Following Morne and Mickey around to make sure one Morkel doesn't get traded for another.

Mickey: Making up new shit to tell the press just to keep them interested.

I'm filing a complain with the CSA for letting my mind sit idle for five fucking days, during which it has gathered shit. As you can clearly see.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

It's raining tests

Sri Lanka vs India
New Zealand vs Pakistan
Australia vs West Indies

None of them are going to be rained off, at least it seems like that till now. And all of them will possibly reach the fifth day.

Sri Lanka vs India had an awful, batsman-dominated first day. But then somebody did some hocus pocus on the pitch...and SREESANTH of all people started picking up wickets. Regardless it's worth watching now. Specially if Sri Lanka can stage a fightback.

Pakistan vs New Zealand was always interesting. And now that Shane Bond has been reborn as a test bowler and Dan can actually breathe even when he is not getting wickets, it's getting better. Not to mention some brother act from the two Akmals. And a Kiwi win? I hope.

You would think Australia vs West Indies would be a one-sided affair, with batting records being broken left and right when the Aussies came to bat. But the West Indies bowlers are doing well...and as I write this Mussey is gone, after tricking us into believing that his test career has been successfully resuscitated. Plus that match has Kemar Roach, who is my new obsession.

So which one are you watching? Or are you one of those who have convinced yourself that test cricket is dead?

Me, I'm waiting for the Saffers to play their first match as the number one test team in the world. But while I wait, I am switching between channels and keeping an eye on Cricinfo to indulge in my favourite form of the game.

This is the part where I announce that it is officially Cricket season.

Warning

Following in his musical Guru, Brett Lee's footsteps, AB has used his back injury to finish recording his album.

http://www.abdevilliers.com/videos.asp?id=7947

He hopes we find the CD very "interesting and good".

AB, we find your batting very interesting and good.We also find your looks 'good'. But your singing...not so much.

Your singing we find...how shall I put it? So torturous that we would rather engage in a conversation with Tony Greig, voluntarily stand in the way of Binga's 160km/h balls and pay to watch Tim Bresnan play T20. And I am being very kind here.

Where can we find AB a girl friend so he spends his spare time outside the studio?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Declare

Dravid got his century and Tendulkar is out. They have 464 runs on the board.

Now can India declare? Or are they waiting for Modi's orders?

In comes VVS Laxman.

*switches t.v. off*

Some time later...

527/4.

zzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Wake up! Dan has started batting again!

*dances around in joy*

Umar Gul better sleep with one eye open tonight...NZ is but a mere 18 hours away...

Starving lions in my basement

Have been let loose and sent on a voyage to South Africa with a mission. I must say that they are doing quite well so far. Here are some pictures to keep you updated:

1. Prior with Mama Lion. She knows he is the wicketkeeper, hence she is going for the hand. If I may so, I have trained them well.


2. KP with Papa Lion. They have met before. He didn't like him then, he doesn't like him now.


3. Luke Wright with Baby Lion. Simba meets the Hobbit- a new Walt Disney classic.


4. Stuart Broad with...


Sorry, that's just Barbie's long lost sister. Barbie is South African after all.

Guess who's back?

After running an intense campaign for three months, we have finally been able to get Morne back on the squad. By we I mean me, but if you are a Morne lover and have been secretly sending mental hate messages to Procter, we thank you too.

It has also been reported that Parnell has finally realized that a sprained ankle is not a legitimate injury, specially when you have been caught dancing on that ankle. Shame on you Parnie for not declaring yourself fit earlier. But you can make up for it by taking 10 wickets. Okay 9, we'll give one to Morne.

The question is who will Morne and Parnie replace? Ryan McLaren is possibly going to be shown the door which is fine because he hasn't been mindblowing. Morne will either replace Charl or Dale. That almost sounded like the two chipmunks. Except I bet the chipmunks won't be such a big embarrassment with a cricket ball.

There's also a chance that Morne has been brought back to scare Dale into being good again. Which means Morne might be spending most of his time warming the benches while Dale finally wakes up and uproots every single batsman's wickets. Not a dream comeback, but Morne is a team man. He will do anything to help the Proteas win. Plus, he already has Allan's love and blessings. What more does he need?

Now that the right choices have been finally made, I will celebrate the return of my Herschelle in the team and remind you all that I was initially devastated when he was dropped. The post on him not being needed in the team was a momentary lapse of sanity.

My Hersch has been given another chance to save his international career.
My Hersch is going to make Tim Bresnan sorry he ever picked up a ball.
My Hersch is going to show Albertus how to fucking clear the boundary.
My Hersch will beat the crap out of AB de Villiers for not scoring when it matters.

Let the games begin.

Boo Dale

Where is the Barmy Army? I thought they travelled far and wide to support their team and I am sure a few of them have reached Saffaland. I saw them waving their flags. Unless they were relatives of Trott, KP, Strauss, Prior...oh fuck it! Need we go over the list again and again? Relatives of the Poms. There, that covers it.

I want them there, I need them there. To boo Dale. Boo him till his shittiness is drilled into his head. Why? Because of Mitchell Johnson at the Ashes that's why.

He got written about, booed at, made fun of, abused at Lords. After which he was fanfuckingtastic in the fourth test. He wanted to shut the world up and the Barmy Army instigated that. They were there in SA's tour of England last year, where Dale ripped through the Poms batting. It may have also been because he was in form then, but I firmly believe the Army helped.

I want the Barmy Army to call Dale a chipmunk with peanut brains.
I want them to tell Dale his grand kids have disowned him.
I want them to dress up as Dave Warner in a bunny costume and imply that the only reason Dale takes his wicket is because he has an amorous relationship with him.
Then I want to watch Dale do this:


So come on Barmy Army! Put your thinking caps on and boo Dale! Chop chop!

Ideal Test Day

As Sri Lanka and India pile on runs after runs, I can't help but be more interested in the Kiwi vs Pak game. Note, the Indians scoring in abundance today has more to do with the Lankans and their ineffective bowling, but nevertheless, there is nothing great about teams reaching three-four hundred on Day 1. It is expected, i.e. boring. Specially when the first test made zombies wish they had never come alive.

So I prefer to focus on the other game. Reasons:

1. The match started with a yorker from a seventeen year old that resulted in a wicket. That seventeen year old is becoming my favourite player to watch. Considering his country has produced Wasim Akram, his talent is not surprising. But it is worrying that his country has also produced Shoaib Akhtar, whose sole focus since god knows when has been to entertain off the field rather than on it. I honestly don't want Aamer to waste his talent on acquiring gential warts but if Shoaib decides to mend his ways, it may have to happen...to carry on Shoaib's legacy.

2. After two wickets, there was a Kiwi fightback. Ross Taylor did extremely well to get his team back on track and then fell six runs short of his century. Talk about prime time drama.

3. Pakistan picked up six wickets. None of them went to Umar Gul. MUHAHAHAHAHA!

4. The day ended with yet another Kiwi fightback. This could become a Spartan war. Unfortunately without 300 abs.

5. Daniel Vettori is at the crease and should be getting a 50. Baz is also there, but I am blissfully ignoring him.

Let's take a picture of this day and fax it to India.

Monday, November 23, 2009

What to blame it on

“It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.”




Andrew Strauss got too excited and broke out in sweat at the sight of Biff adjusting his pants. Not wishing to get distracted, he channelled all his excitement in the field which radiated and infected the rest of his team. Particularly Colly. Moral of the story is, blame Biff for everything.



AB is not blond anymore. I had once wondered whether the dye was going to drip into his brain and fuck up his batting. It seems to have done just that. Interestingly, it also seems to have changed AB's eye colour and affected his vision.

L'Oreal, it's not worth it.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Thoughtless

Apparently my 200th post was about KP and my 100th one about Champions trophy prizes i.e. mainly Australia. Considering I support the Proteas and England is my least favourite team, this is a bit ironic. Actually it's downright fucked and I really should put more thought into posting. Or I can just laugh at myself and move on...because really, thinking takes too much time.

What I can be bothered to think about is Hersch returning to the team. Any other time I would have said, 'FUCKING YES! Proctor you brainless ass!'. But not this time. I feel like a traitor as I type this, but seriously, I think the selectors are just praying for a miraculous turn around of his form and letting desparation get the better of their rationality.

Yes, Hersch is unpredictable and can blast off anytime...usually the right time. But the Saffer batsmen are more or less in form. They managed a final total of 250 from 155/5. It's their fucking bowlers that have lost their way. And Hersch is not a bowler (he might have some natural ability tucked away somewhere though). If the bowlers keep going like they are now, SA can make 300 and STILL lose. Wickets win matches and evidently, the Saffers don't remember how to take wickets. As usual, Proctor is thinking out of his ass.

So let me do you a favour and think for you Proctor. The names you are looking for are either Makhaya Ntini or Morne Morkel. Not my Hersch.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. But if the Proteas win because the selectors actually called one of the bowlers over Hersch, I'll gladly take that spot in hell. Not that it's already not reserved for me.

Adjectives

Disgusting: Dale Steyn losing his ability to pick up wickets so early in his career.

Shameful: Soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL (seriously reconsidering the adoption now) bowling worse than part-time spinner JP.

Fucktard: Whoever sent Albie ahead of Bouch, when they were five down in the 33rd over. When has Albie EVER played the role of an innings consolidator?

Illegal: Hash getting to a half century and then getting out to a Ashraful-like shot.

Impressive: Ryan McLaren at least trying to mess with the batsmen (not really but I'm drowning in a sea of negativity here!)

Moronic: Biff and his sideburns.

Useless: AB de Villiers, who can't fucking get a decent score when it matters i.e. should NOT be batting 2 down.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Uh oh

Jakes is injured...this is not good. This is not good at all! He won't be playing a single ODI. Out of the last three times that Jakes didn't play, SA lost one game (damn you rain!) and barely won the other two. They might have even lost another one, I can't remember.

SA's batting line up unfortunately changes drastically without Jakes. Unless Hash has found his form again or Loots Bosman is called up to fill Jakes' opening spot, things are looking a little bit scary. I would have loved to say Hersch should be the one getting the call, but he won't. With good reason of course, but that doesn't mean I am going to stop sulking.

Not to mention the bowling. FUCK! With Jakes not around Biff will have to give a few overs to Albie, whose run giving shop I suspect, is still in business. Or SA will bring Botha back. Who also has been a bit shitty lately, but ANYTHING is better than Albie getting more than 2 overs. I'll even take Biff bowling. Actually I won't. Don't even think about it you Buffalo!

UGH! The man was perfectly fine carrying all those lipids around for 18 months but the minute he loses weight he picks up an injury! Yes, I am being grumpy. Because if England wins this, I will die. And since this is the third time I have used that sentence, it must be true!

Can Jakes just not get new ribs? Or did he finish every available ones in Saffaland during his 'how to expand horizontally' demonstrations?

Sledgefest: Kevin Pietersen

"Why weren't you at the toss KP?"

"So Kev, you captaining BRC at IPL 3?"

"Kev, where's your crown? After all, you are 100% English."

"KP is the newest member of Liberty X. Congrats! You will fit right in with that voice of yours"

"Can you take the single? Or do you have to call your wife for permission?"

"Apparently Just a Little was written about you...because you needed instructions..."

Sledgefest: Joe Denly...for Sarah

Sarah Canterbury has informed me that Joe Denly coined his nickname 'No Pants' himself. Why? Possibly because he likes the image of himself in no pants. No, I am not making any jokes about that. I refuse to go there. It's too obvious anyway.

The reason these images are being fed to your brain is because Sarah assures me that I have to come up with something better to rile him. I accepted the challenge. So here we go, trial number two.

"Joe's batting average is now a brand name. It's called Forever 30"

" I hear the golden duck feels right at home with you Joe"

"How do you intidimate Joe Denly?"
"Just show him a football and his knees will start shaking automatically"

You like Sarah?

Friday, November 20, 2009

Washout

Today's post has been washed out by heavy rain without a letter typed.

At 7:00 am EST, there would have been a post but for the fact that the mind was fast alseep.

At 7:50 am EST, the mind woke up and resulted in the cessation of rain in South Africa, as the mind has a deal with the Rain Gods of the land. The deal being "Stop peeing or I shoot".

At 8:10 am EST, the mind went to make breakfast.

At 8:20 am EST, the mind was in the middle of making breakfast when the Rain Gods saw their chance and started peeing again. Apparently they had a secret deal with the Food Gods, who managed to distract the mind long enough.

At 9:28 am EST, the mind came back to find that the damage has been done already. She would like to shoot the Food Gods but has an emotional attachment to them.

At 11:00 am EST, the incessant peeing washed out the entire match and the post with its toxicity. So the mind went to sleep, but not before leaving you with these words:

Somewhere, between the sacred silence and sleep,
Disorder, disorder, disorder

It means the mind is dreaming of an English massacre while she sleeps.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Head-to-head

At long last the England tour of SA has started. The T20 games were just a tease. THIS is the real deal. The reason I won't feel bad for not studying for exams and then tearing my hair out. It's all worth it. Especially if the Saffas win.

I don't make predictions when it comes to my own team...because they usually go badly (remember the Champions Trophy/Champions League? sigh!). But I will tell you who I am looking forward to watching in the upcoming series.

1) Jimmy vs Dale: One has a kid, one has imaginary grand kids. Both can swing the ball but both have been erratic as of late. Jimmy a little less than Dale, but he has the knee to blame...and tiring wars with Swann on twitter. I am going to say something traitorous right now that you all will read and promptly forget: I like Jimmy as a bowler. He is the only Pom that I can tolerate. Shocked, dazed, forgotten? Good. Moving on...

2) Strauss vs Buffalo: As much as Graeme looks like a buffalo, Strauss is the one with cow brains. And I reject the hypothesis that cows are intelligent animals. They are inferior to buffaloes anyway. Strauss is one of those players I dislike, despite knowing that he is a good cricketer. His captaincy, I feel, is yet to be proven. He didn't do anything revolutionary in the Ashes. There was no need with the Aussies being determined to beat themselves. But he does seem to be able to bring out the best in his players unlike his deputy. Graeme's team is great to begin with, so he has very little to do with them being awesome. But he is contributing regularly as a batsman these days which helps. Plus, I am really hoping Strauss gets a cramp and Graeme decides to break ICC rules and give him a runner...on the condition that the runner is Owais Shah!

3) Swann vs ROFL: This is the only reason I want Swann to recover fast from his injury. Just to prove that ROFL is far more interesting than him and a better spinner. I get this feeling ROFL is the only individual that can convince Swann to give up twittering with his psycho-like expressions. If that doesn't work, we can always depend on the alien living inside ROFL to show Swann the finger and tell him that he sucks.

4) Albie vs Eoin: I also like Eoin Morgan, but only because of his background. I am incapable of hating on anybody with any relation to Ireland. It's Bono. He has clouded my judgement. All I want to see is who can hit the ball further. The one that hits a six all the way to Canada is going to have a glacier named after them. Albertus Glacier. Sounds like a nice peace offering from the Canadians to the Romans.

5) KP vs Trott: Who will make a better effort to secure a place in Vaughan's next book? Who will stand up to the booing crowds better? In fact, who still holds the interest of the Saffers enough to be made fun of, which Flower is sure they are waiting to do? Something tells me no one is winning this one.

When Trotty met Steynkie

There was 'Hello Trotty' and 'How are you, Trotty?'. I saw one of our quick bowlers having lunch with him a couple of days before a game.
-Mickey Aurthur





"Put an end to matey relations! " says Mickey.

"Stop talking to the press Mickey" said I.

Then it was game time...thankfully.

History loves Shakib

Another day, another piece of history created by Shakib. He became the first Bangladeshi player to be signed by an English county side, Worcestershire. I am hopelessly ignorant about county cricket, so I have no clue how they are as a team. But who cares? County, good exposure, upcoming series in England. You see where I am going with this.

Sometimes I wonder which Bangladesh loving cricket god made Shakib. And why he has stopped making more. What will it take to produce more Shakibs in Bangladesh? Strauss deciding to come to Bangladesh after all? Richie Benaud advocating another petition to retract BD's test status? Prodigal child Cricket Minded's return to Bangladesh?

Whatever it is, I am willing to make it happen. More Shakibs is directly proportional to more critics being silenced. Bangladesh still have many detractors, but a good number have stapled their mouth shut just in case the ICC does decide to listen to them. That means they will not get to ogle at Shakib anymore. And that's what they really want to do. Perv on the little beast while shit-talking his team.

My real concern at the moment however, is if Worcestershire have moats and dragons to protect my beloved assassin from his Modiness. Does Worcestershire have the balls to say, "Fuck off Modi! This Deshi is ours"?

No? No problem. The BCB's got him tied up with international commitments for the first half of IPL 3. I'll take care of the rest.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Equations

TMD century= Harbajan slaps everywhere...eq i

DPMD+HAPW= Fatigued bowlers...eq ii

DPMD +HAPW+TMD century=Fatigued bowlers+Bawling Indians...eq iii
_______________________________________________

Subtracting eq iii from eq ii:

-TMD century= -Bawling Indians

or TMD century= Bawling Indians

but from eq i, TMD century= Harbajan slaps everywhere

therefore, Harbajan slaps everywhere = Bawling Indians


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Sledgefest: Joe Denly

I'm preparing. Stacking up on ammo. Getting ready to watch the games on my television...

It's quite pathetic I know. But this is how I watch my teams. From the land of the Igloos, in the wee hours of the morning, sipping coffee and fighting to stay awake! I don't get to wear fancy colours, wave banners or sledge the opposition. At least not on the field. So I am going to sledge them on my blog. They won't hear it, but I'll ignore that part. There's no need to get technical here right?

Onto the sledgefest. First up Joe Denly. Let me warn you I am not Australian, so some of these might not be good. Neverthelss, I'll start with his nickname, which appears to be No Pants.

"No Pants, No Balls"
"It gets drafty in the middle with No Pants"
"His mommy didn't make him no pants"
"Why are you so shitty? Is it because your name is no pants?"

This will do for now. It's just the beginning after all.

Now we are talking!

England won their 50 over warm up match against South Africa A. Obviously, I am not too happy because my Herschelle was in that team and he is setting a new trend of getting into the 20's-30's range and then getting out. It's not a trend I like. Unless the Poms fancy it and want to replicate in their own batting.

Right, so even thought I am not happy about this win I was dreading having to watch 3 months of one-sided cricket. The mentality that the Poms showed at the T20's and the constant excuses they are coming up with (How the fuck are they all injured and burnt out? Didn't they just come off a break?), I was pretty sure the Saffas were going to ravage them. Obviously that was going to be excellent, but one-sided affairs are just disgusting to watch, let alone blog about! So I'm glad the Poms showed some fight. Now we can really look forward to a contest. Not as good as SA vs Aus, but a fight nevertheless. Although, it should not involve any Proteas losses please. Shit like that will not be tolerated.

I am going to point out, because I love Mascaraman, that the Poms seem to have found their lost skills under the captaincy of Andrew Strauss. Also, Mascaraman did not play in this game. Possibly because his mascara turned out to be not water proof, specially when its under attack by buckets of tears.

It sucks to be Graeme Smith

I've been sitting on this one for a while now, because the topic was blown out of proportion in another website but everywhere I go, every Graeme Smith related post seems to have some comment about his current girlfriend Brigitte Sarembock. But I finally decided to say something because, I wouldn't be me if I didn't share my opinion.

The most common words associated with Sarembock are 'plain' and 'ugly'. It bothers me every time not because I consider myself to be a moral police (not qualified, not pretending to be), but because I found it puzzling that so many people have the same line of thought regarding this person. Johan Botha's wife is not a model but no one calls her plain. So I was thinking and I realized that the problem is not the girlfriend, but rather the boy they are dating. Let's face it. Graeme Smith has a more aesthetic appeal to most girls than Johan Botha does. On top of that Brigitte Sarembock is not some super-model, she is an everyday person with an everyday job.

Brigitte is you, she is me, she is the girl next door. That means she is not in some out of touch fantasy league that celebrities are usually thought to be. And she is dating the national captain of South Africa. When people hear that they think, it could have been me. She hits too close to home and we don't like that. We like our celebrities to remain in some world which is not a part of our lives. This I think, is the problem that most people have with her. I wouldn't call it jealousy. Just the exposure of a hidden yearning to be known in this media-centric world.

But back to the subject, when Graeme Smith was dating Minki she was called too slinky and not worthy of the national captain. When Graeme Smith dates Brigitte, he is accused of having bad taste. When Graeme Smith is single, he is labelled gay. Then of course there are those of us who criticise him for being an unimaginative captain. Mostly justified, but a lot of times it's just plain bias. Man, it really sucks to be Graeme Smith.

I didn't write this to teach anybody anything. I wrote this to share my thoughts. This post by no means warrants any sort of derogatory comments on Brigitte or a brooding World War III. But yes, if you want to take a stab at Graeme Smith the cricketer, please go ahead. After all, criticism can only make him a better captain...one day!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Scandalous Part II

KP with Jonty

KP with ROFL

ROFL and Jonty

Now this is really getting out of hand.

Mascaraman should be captain FOREVER

"I'm not sure if anyone has chased 240, we had the belief but we didn't have the skills today".

What a fine example of honesty. He is quite the role model that Alastair Cook. Announcing to the whole world as captain that his team lost because of lack of skills. Notice, the skills seemed to have magically disappeared specifically in the second game against South Africa. As opposed to all the other times when England have boggled us with their ability to play thumping T20 cricket.

England's line up had KP, Trott, Morgan and just for the heck of it, I'll throw Cook in there. Colly, their best T20 batsman (after Morgan these days) was missing, but why do I get the feeling that KP is more than qualified to replace Colly? Oh wait, that's because he is!
Their bowling line up, with the exception of Swann, who I doubt would have been of much use at Centurion, was the same. Yet, when England won the first T20 because of the Saffers' stupidity and Sirs Duckworth and Lewis, follicle-less Nasser said that the Poms deserved to win because of the brand of cricket they had played. So please explain to me how the team that deserves to have their ass saved by rain one day, loses their skills the next. At what point in the game, did the Poms look even remotely interested to chase down the 240? But they must have wanted to because they had the BELIEF!

Cooky, the Saffers are really fantastic hosts. If you ask them nicely, they will scour the borders of Africa to find your team's 'lost' skills for you. But methinks the real skill that is lacking is caring about anything that is not the Ashes. So the hosts will keep on looking, but where will they find something that does not exist to begin with?

Unless you have BELIEF that it can be found. Then it should turn up.

Uda Walawwe Mahim Bandaralage Chanaka Asanga Welegedara

Just call him Uda for short. And make sure you know the name because the boy crippled India by picking up the wickets of Gambhir, Sehwag and Tendulkar. India had managed to put only 31 runs on the board. Excellent.

I am always excited when a new fast bowler is on the rise. They are bloody fantastic to watch. Couple that with the fact that this is actually a test and we have a post-worthy situation. I was blinded by the test whites when I turned on the television and actually thought my channel was showing some old black and white game. But no! This was a live Test game. Oh you good old, five days long, couch potatoes producing, unemployment rate raising format! How I have missed you!

Put THAT with the fact that Uda has a name as long as the Titanic and we have a Cricket Minded favourite. Because I like strange names. Not because I have a fetish for unsinkable wood that got chopped in half by a glacier. Rather, us Igloo people should have a thing for that glacier. But I digress.

No amount of research has been able to tell me why Uda is named after the entire Sri Lankan population. Which is upsetting because I'm sure it is a fascinating story. Oh well, I'll keep looking. And in the meantime I'll watch him bowl. What the...is that Muttiah? I swear even Dale's grand kids will get to watch him play.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Scandalous

Cricket Minded to Michael Vaughan
Cricket Minded to Michael Vaughan

Jonathan Trott has been caught mingling with *GASP* SA's Captain and Vice-captain at a party! It was the England Welcome party, so it's not like Trott put on his fancy white shirt and black pants in the dark and sneaked out of his hotel room to meet them in secret. But that's even worse! He literally waved his South Africanness right at their faces. That traitor! This picture is a clear message of where Trott's loyalties really lie.

He is happy too!

I demand Michael Vaughan write a book about this.

Captain Mascaraman

Distressingly, I did not get to watch Mascaraman as captain while England was fielding and the highlights are not up yet. But I did get to watch the post-match presentation and he was too busy blushing, smiling and batting his eyelashes at Kass Naidoo to give a coherent answer. If you don't know what she looks like, click on that link. She's hot. Taken, but hot.

So Mascaraman as captain got properly fucked today. Loots Bosman and thankfully Graeme Smith (I say thankfully because he seems to be becoming consistent with the bat again..about time!) smashed the Poms till they begged for 'no more'. Adil Rashid and Kevin Pietersen, unable to let their Mascaraman go through this torture alone, volunteered to take a bit of the hammering.Even Joe Denly got to make his bowling debut. He broke the record tumbling partnership between Bosman and Smith but god damn, this is like the wicket-keeper giving his gloves to someone else to come bowl. Hmm, where have I seen that before?

England lied, they lied big time. Before today's match the headlines were all about how the Poms were going for their first trophy of the series. You are telling me they REALLY thought that the way to go about that was to make Mascaraman captain and send KP instead of Morgan when Cook fell and the run rate was like 15? Nope. They never wanted to win. They lied. What are they teaching their kids?

Speaking of Cook batting, is it just me or does he never look settled even after hitting a couple of boundaries? What a funny fucker! Kepler Wessels said it best. Mascaraman was on fire, hitting fours every delivery and Wessels goes like "He's not considered very good at the shorter form of the game, Alastair Cook". I know one person who clapped in glee at this comment-Jimmy Anderson, who was also trying to show his captaincy skills as per photographic evidence:

Mascaraman is a little bitch! I am the next captain of England!

I will introduce you to Kate Moss, don't listen to Jimmy

But I want to be captain too!

How wildly entertaining the Poms are. But KP and his switch hit was the funniest shit ever. KP jumping like some 1930's bad action hero and watching the ball hit the stumps. I couldn't find a picture of the exact moment, but this will do nicely.


In case you didn't know, his wicket was picked up by my soon-to-be-adopted son ROFL. I am still working on the adoption papers.

I love an English humiliation. Specially when the Saffa boys are all brilliant. I am so relieved that Dale and Albie (yes ALBIE!) picked up wickets. Although they continue to look disinterested in getting wickets during the middle overs. And I seem to have jinxed Duminy with my 'year of JP' talk. Feck!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Dopplegangers

It really cracks me up. While some of the pictures are a total mismatch, this one is just too awesome to be passed over. According to many, the non-cricketing personality that Punter looks like is George W. Bush!


The same brows, the ears, the droopy eyes and the stupid look. Bush can't help it, his face looks like that. But Ricky I believe, is a clever man who puts on the dud expression to hide his cunning bastard self. But the resemblance is a brilliant discovery, along with the awesome caption:

Australia's 42nd captain and America's 43rd President. It's more than just formidably furrowed brows that link them, you know. The former leader of the free world and the current leader of the former most swaggering team in cricket. One was involved in a brawl in a pub, the other was involved in a spat in Asia. One speaks faster than a speeding train, the other's a train wreck when he speaks. Ever seen them in the same place at the same time? Thought not.(Submitted by: far too many people to name)

Submitted by far too many people to name! Gold, absolute gold. Being a Canadian, I am always on board to take a stab at the Paris Hilton of American politics-George W. Bush: President for no reason! But even as a Proteas supporter, I am appalled for Ricky Ponting. I am laughing hysterically, but I am also apalled. He might be a bad leader at times, but damn, nobody deserves to be compared to George Bush. That's like the ultimate insult!

I saved this picture as Ricky Bush and again guffawed at the thought of Ricky Bush, George's son and President of the United States of America one day. Punter with a Southern accent and Shane Watson as his Secretary of Defence. I wonder how long terrorists can be held back with full tosses...

Parnell still injured

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? On the one hand, he has been unable to control his run giving urges. On the other hand, he does pick up wickets regularly. And with the current SA bowling line up's wonderful ability to do everything but, Parnie might be the crucial missing link. Ryan McLaren is doing fine so far, but picking up the slack of Dale, Albie and Botha is difficult on your own. Also, I have no idea how McLaren will fare in the ODI's. Two games against Zimbabwe doesn't count for anything.

So Parnie needs to recover fast. I don't even know where his injury is...he sure doesn't look injured in these pictures.

Parnie can't dance which is why he needs to return on the field...NOW!

Gently! The boy needs his arm!

I just realized that I always complain when the boys are having fun. If I was a team manager, I would make a scary one wouldn't I? Make them march to the field, training in absolute silence, eating on my command, then chaining them up to their beds at night so that they can't escape. Not that they'd ever hire me! But what if this is exactly what the Saffers need? Something to think about.

In case I did get hired, I would wear this hard hat and headbutt anyone that opposes me. Cricket South Africa has a fabulous marketing team I must say.


I would also give one to Kevin Pietersen, just because of that 100% South African line.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Rain is my arch nemesis

Although I've spent the last few hours calming myself down, I am still pretty furious which means this post will be full of profanities. If you are under aged, congratulations your vocabulary has grown today!

So, the rain. Why does the rain not like South Africa? They are a green team, they do most of their fielding up in the air so as not to hurt the grass, they even have a Buffalo as their captain, an animal that contributes to mother nature's beloved earth in a stinky but effective manure..sorry manner. So WHY DOES RAIN HAVE SUCH A BUG UP ITS ASS?

Next, the D/L method. When will South Africa ever look at the sheet and be all 'Right, I've got it'. AND ACTUALLY GET IT? AB kept on looking at the dugout/screen/Colly's butt...anywhere but at the fucking sheet. He pretended to get it, but he didn't. Albie just peaked over his shoulders. I'm having major issues with Albie. These days, he's not only bowling like a bloody chucker, he is also refusing to run. Albie, AB is good at running between the wickets and he knows what he is talking about. So when AB says run, FUCKING RUN YOU TOOL! He easily cost SA 3 runs by refusing to move from his crease. And what happened? England won by 2 runs.

But now the happy thoughts. Yes, there will be happy thoughts because my heart might just burst if I am angry any longer. Then there will be one less person in this world to dislike the Poms. That cannot be. So the happy thoughts:

1) The first ball of the game. Charl always makes me smile, it is no coincidence that he too is bald.

2) Loots Bosman's assaulting the English bowlers. Bald men seem to be naturally good at this.

3) Tim Bresnan bowling. Whoever thought he was a bowler is a regular coke snorter.

4) Swann's first over: 6 1 6 1 1 0=15. Including Bosman's 50. This one was specially for Vim and Sid.

5) Swann turning red in the face trying to place his field with sign language and no one understanding him. Umm...it's called use your words you fucking 100 years old perverted toddler.

6) England continuing to win because of some non-English player. What's that you say? Colly who? I don't know any Lolly Molly. Stop bringing up names of creepy dolls.

Anyway, England can have this win. That's right. We are gifting it to them. Because the rest of the series the Saffers are going to whoop their asses so hard that their fake butt injuries are going to become a reality. And as for the weather gods..fucking go find some other continent to shower over! Or else...

Message from the beyond

Dear Grandpapa,

While we proudly bear the surname of Steyn, your utter shittiness in recent times have forced us into hiding. Since the break, you have bowled 38.5 overs, given 178 runs and picked up only 7 wickets. That is just fucking embarrassing. Them Onions boys are giving us stick and their grandfather does not even have a solid spot in his team.

Grandpa, we love you, we really do, but what the fuck was up with that spell today? SA was doing fine till you took the ball and then it started raining runs. We don't mind you getting hit by the Irishman, as alcohol binging, six producing monsters are loved by all, but Colly Buttniggle? He should have been choking because of captaincy woes. He probably was, till you gifted him those rubbish short balls.

All we are saying is you better shape up otherwise we won't be talking to you from our Land of the Unborn anymore. What will you tell your interviewers then? You are hardly interesting to talk to without your grand kids stories. Unless the topic at hand is the IPL.

Btw, can you make sure to mention in your next interview that your grand kids are suspicious of Mickey and Snapes having some deep discussion right next to Broad? Mickey better not be giving away team weaknesses again.

As always, Papa and Mama send their love. And Papa wants to know his birth date.

Don't be such a fucking disgrace okay? Love you!

Friday the 13th

It'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shere
It'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shere
It'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shere
It'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shere
It'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shereIt'shere

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Movember gone wrong

Barbie with facial hair-order now

Men's health didn't brief him properly

The face is wrong to begin with...

Hair, hair everywhere...just not on me!

Mascaraman

The Poms are in dire straits as every new batsmen falls victim to Saffa bowlers. But one man, who was there from the beginning stands around, not giving up his wicket yet but struggling to even make contact with the ball. What you don't know is that this man is England's super hero Vice-captain. His inner super hero just needs to be called upon to a Phil Collins song. So the five ring bearers Andy, Colly, Jimmy, Swanny and Broady come together to call Mascaraman to save them. They form a circle and unleash the powers of their rings...

Andy: Ash!
Jimmy: Swing!
Swanny: Chin!
Colly: Butt!
Broady: Pixie!

GO RIMMEL!

Mascaraman: With your powers combined, I am Mascaraman!

[Sing Along]

Mascaraman, he is our hero
Gonna take England down to zero
He's our losses magnified
And he's fighting for the other side

Mascaraman, he is our hero
Gonna take England down to zero
Gonna help him take us under
We relied on him, oh, what a blunder!

Guest appearance by Biffy: "You need more makeup, Mascaraman!"

(chanting)
We suck at fielding,
You can suck too!
'Cause dropping catches is the thing to do,
Winning cricket matches, is not the way,
Hear what Mascaraman has to say:

THE POWER IS THEIRS!

Mrs. Shakibs everywhere

Shakib-Al-Hasan is Bangladesh's most eligible bachelor. Since his discovery and his fantastic rise to fame, girls have been pleading and begging their parents to get them married to the boy.

"There are a good number of marriage offers. I've lost count of the number", Shakib told Crapinfo.


The guy is just 22, and if he had not been a cricketer he would probably have been spending his day checking out girls, writing love letters and possibly stalking them (it happens!). Now that he is famous, females all over the country are vying to be Mrs. Shakib-Al-Hasan.


And he hasn't even received an IPL contract yet. How many offers do you think will come when Modi the pimp prostitutes Shakib to one of the corporate whores? Probably over a million. And considering our population is 160 million and 50% of it should be female, that number has some suspect characters in it. Characters that I'm sure don't interest the eligible Shakib.


I wonder if I can lure him with my Canadian passport...

Younis quits

Please let this be the last time! At least this time he quit for the right reasons and not because someone stole his pacifier. He says he lost command over the team and there's no point in being a leader when your men won't listen to you.

Agreed. Good call. But the stress has apparently also hurt his batting. Blaming his team-mates for his atrocious performance is not very smart. It shows weak mentality more than anything else. But the interview gets better. Younis felt that Pakistani players played stupid shots at times to deliberately undermine his authority. What the fuck! They hate their captain so much that they are willing to lose the game? Isn't that a whole new level of malice? I knew Pakistani cricket was crazy but damn this beats Gossip Girl!

It could also be a case of Younis deciding that if he goes down, he will take the others with him. Which is just sad because I actually thought Younis was the good guy being bullied by the whole world. Or he is really trying to make it to prime time television. A reality show on an ex-captain and his haunting memories of the team showing him the finger as he goes out to bat. Now, that's never been done before.

Either way, Younis' cricket career might just be over. Don't know if new captain Mohammad Yunus is one of the players that hate him, but I suspect Younis as just a batsman in the team will be getting wedgies and wet willies every day.

Will Pakistan EVER go back to just focusing on their cricket?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Another Broad interview

I came across another Stuart Broad interview. I have great respect for interviewers that chat with Broad. It must take a lot of will power to sit there, stare at his puberty-plagued face and ask him serious questions. Then stop themselves from laughing out loud at his answers.

I realized from this interview that poor little Broady knows that he is continuously emasculated by everybody. Why else would he open the interview with this?

My life changed forever the first time I went to the southern hemisphere. It was one of those 'I went there a boy and came back a man' experiences. I was 17 and I headed off on my own to Melbourne to play district cricket and I ended up also working as a landscape gardener. It was an overblown job title because I was basically a labourer. I just mixed cement but I loved it. I turned out to be a very good cement-mixer."

If you got a picture of Broad pouting like Ben Stiller in Zoolander and coughing effeminately because of all the dust from cement-mixing, you have the correct reaction. I am just wondering how the Aussies will feel when they find out that Stuey thinks they turned him into a man. I personally find it distressing that such a young man has fallen into the evil clutches of drugs.

The interview also reveals that Broad thinks he is more like Shaun Pollock than Andrew Flintoff. I am not making this up. If I was, I would never offend Polly like this.

We handled the whole 'new Flintoff' thing by pointing out that we're such different players at different stages of our career. Shaun Pollock is actually the best role model for me as a very good attritional bowler. I might be six foot six but that doesn't mean I can play a Steve Harmison role and bounce people out. And I'm very different to Fred. I'm much more in Pollock's mould and as a batsman, at No 8, he always made useful contributions and scored the odd Test hundred.

Even when they are not born in South Africa, the Poms want to be like the Saffers. How sad for the Queen. And while I am delighted that Freddie is being snubbed by his own players, I find the Pollock parallel to be downright insulting. "More in Pollock's mould"...fuck you! Pollock started his international career at 23. You've had about a five years head start and you are still basking in crap. I don't know how that makes sense, but it sure sounds funny. Stuey is crappy. Those words were meant to be.

Why are people getting excited about Broad's one hit wonder in the Ashes at HOME?
Even MC Hammer didn't evoke this much hype. And he had girls shaking booty to his epic song.

Beautiful morning

I woke up today to the pleasant and light touch of the fall sun and golden leaves everywhere. Needless to say the serene view outside my window made me very happy, so it took me some time to log onto my computer and click on Crapinfo. Little did I know that what the Internet world had to offer me this morning, would make me happier.


England lost their opening match to South Africa A. It was T20 and just a warm up, so we can't really conclude that the Poms are bringing back their losing fashion this fall. But what is better than watching England lose? Absolutely nothing.


Not only did they lose, their performance was miles below par. Even by English standards. To give you an idea how bad it was, Alastair Cook was the highest scorer with 22. You know England is fucked when they have to rely on Mascaraman to put in a good performance. "MASCARAMAN TO SAVE THE DAY! Feck, he can only count to 89."


Oh England, you make my day more joyous with your attempt to play cricket. More please, more.

Thin Graeme?

Is it possible? Has Graeme Smith actually lost weight?


Other options are camera angle, slimming background or sucking it in for the girlfriend. Anything but actually admitting that the Buffalo is not longer a buffalo. No, I do not like the prospects of a world with no 'Graeme Smith is fat' jokes. Somebody take him to McDonald's RIGHT NOW!

Life can be so unfair at times.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The year of JP

It's only just begun. I know he had a fantastic debut and all but this is his year. I can feel it, meaning you can look forward to lots of obsessed posts about JP. It is indeed the case of one bald man making way for another. As long as the original hairless, batting beast is out of the picture at least.

Superstar JP rocked the Champions League. Now Superstar JP is getting ready to thrash the Poms. On his way to glory and super stardom, JP has also knocked some Zimbabweans over. 111 is the magic number and not out is the status. This is what you call breaking the doors down on people's heads to announce your arrival. I like. I like a lot.

Just in case you have forgotten, JP is also a fantabolous fielder. Which doesn't surprise anybody as he was also born in Cape Town, like the preceding bald man. Legend has it that Cape Town boys dive into the doctors' hands in a fantastic manner during delivery. The legend was of course formed in my head, but you have to admit it is an interesting theory.

The most important part of JP's maiden century is the fact that it has made it possible for me to overlook AB's score of 5, Albie failing with the bat and then having fantastic bowling figures of 6-20-3 (I don't think he is an all-rounder anymore...) and that SA seems to have won comprehensively because a certain Dale wasn't in the team. Interesting. But I'll give Dale the benefit of the doubt... because I don't want spooky croc loving grand kids after me.

It has to be pointed out that my still-to-be-adopted son ROFL took three wickets and at the mere mention of a dating service Bouch scored 31...not out. I may have just solved his problem. But I won't take any of the credit. Bouch is paying me in cash.

I need to end with this: two days till they take on the Brits. I am going to sit by my clock and do a countdown.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Rare sight

I don't mean it in a sarcastic way. I mean it in a should be seen more often way. A picture of the Kiwis with a trophy.


Look at them. The trophy fits in so well with their awesome uniforms. It also looks fitting in Dan's hands, but we already knew that. Why is Dan sitting in front of the others though? While he is easily the best Kiwi in the world by all standards, I find it kind of fucked that he is hogging the limelight. Specially when Baz was the Man of the Series. It's becoming a trend with cricketers. Take away their positions or drop them from the team and all of a sudden they start performing. You know I'm just grumbling because I never liked Baz in the first place and now he is making me eat my words. Hmph!

I am also grumbling because I wanted to write a long post about Pakistan not being able to play anything other than T20 again, but stupid Aamer's fightback was brilliant and now I can't make jokes about it.

No, I can still take a jab at Afridi. Afridi is a big blob of beautiful hair. That's all he is. Instead of brains, he has shampoo and conditioner bottles stuffed in his skull. The days he performs, science puts it down as an inexplicable mystery and classifies it under the X-files. The file is not that thick either. Mostly, it has complex mathematics trying to decipher how Afridi defied the concept of age by remaining seventeen for years.

I feel better now.

Just a thought

How do you feel about fast bowlers scoring half centuries? Mohammad Aamer is currently trying to save Pakistan from losing the series against New Zealand. Actually he might have already guided them towards victory. Pakistan needs 38 off 36 balls and the Kiwis need only one wicket. It's extremely stupid on New Zealand's part considering they had the Pakistanis nine down about 80 odd runs ago. But Aamer the fast bowler came out of nowhere and hit Dan for consecutive sixes. It makes my heart bleed, but this post is about fast bowlers. And I am the master of avoiding topics I don't like discussing.

Praveen Kumar of India is also a hard-hitting, game winning batsman. Or has been in the recent past. Makhaya Ntini played a heroic innings in the last test match again Oz in Ozland, that nearly won the game for South Africa. He didn't score a 50, but it was a decent knock. Mitchell Johnson almost got a century against the Saffers, Stuart Broad ... *cough, gag, cough*

Sorry, I nearly choked and died. But yes, the individual whose name I do not wish to utter did put in a decent knock to try and save the 4th Ashes test. Although, he used to be a batsman apparently. Anyway, I'm sure there are loads of other names that I am missing but that is a pretty impressive list of pacers who can bat.

It's tough being a fast bowler. Cricket is a game that favour batsmen most of the time. Plus, they don't last as longer, pick up more injuries and don't always get the recognition they deserve when a match is won. On top of that, they have to pick up the slack of their batsmen too? I mean it's great that fast bowlers these days can bat, but really, do they need the pressure? Why can't the batsmen do their job properly? Do you see batsmen bowling fast and short when the bowlers are down? No. Because they can't. When bowlers play like crap, the team usually loses and they become liable.

Oh yay! New Zealand just won. But Mohammad Aamer remains unbeaten at 73. Way to go kid. Just don't be surprised if all your batsmen go to sleep from now on.

Win a date with Mark Verdon Boucher

Once upon a time South Africa's starting line up was incomplete without the little man with gorgeous eyes. But I admit with a heavy heart that that was the Boucher of yesterday. Something is wrong with him, something is seriously wrong with him. Lately, I just close my eyes shut when he comes to bat because it is so painful to watch...and because I know I don't have to keep them shut for long. Bouch will be on his merry way and sure enough, he usually is. On top of that, his wicket-keeping is lacking the aggression and energy that it used to have. Maybe it's because of his batting form or maybe because he is turning 33 soon. Maybe it's the girlfriend that he broke up with after infinite years.

Either way it is a sad thing. I love Bouch, he is the coolest cricketer alive. I can't picture South Africa without him. Also Jakes, Hersch and him are the last three surviving players from Hansie's era, the era I love so much. But despite all this love, Bouch needs to pick up his game since the selectors seem to be so short in patience these days.

I have decided that I am going to help him get his mojo back in the only way I know. Bouch has been generously running a dating agency on his site for the single boys in his team for some time now. It's time we do something for him. Therefore I am starting a dating agency of my own, exclusively for Mark Boucher. Trust me he is a catch. If you are interested please send the following information my way:

Name
Age (not really a deciding factor, Bouch likes 22 year old kids)
Location (also not a crucial factor with CSA's bank balance around)
Occupation
Special Skills
Favourite Food (there is only one correct answer and it is crucial)
Rate your interest in Cricket on a scale of 1-10
Rate your love for the Proteas on a scale of 1-10
Are you willing to cook for Mark's best mate Jacques (who in turn will mow your lawn)?
Your feelings on Shamone Jardim, Jacques' Girlfriend
How you plan to break-up the friendship between Mark and Biff?
How do you feel about this picture?


Note, none of the applications will go through Mark because I know what's best for him. Good luck ladies!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Hmm

South Africa won their first game against Zimbabwe. All fine and dandy but I don't know what to make of this win. I didn't get to see it. From Crapinfo stats, South Africa's bowling seems to have gone horribly and as MJ tells me, their fielding was also crap.

South Africa's main strength is their fielding. FML? Indeed.

Hash opened and made a fabulous score in all his illegal drug glory. This might mean that he will be replacing Hersch in the future (did you really think there will be no mention of my Herschelle in this post?), which is....still questionable. Seeing as Hash was originally thought to be Jacques' replacement in the number three spot. Either way I love Hash and am pretty sure he is the next captain of South Africa. After Biff has been overthrown by 50 hunch men, Botha has reigned for a bit and AB is all cried out.

Boucher had the lowest score amongst the Saffas...again! What the fuck is going on with him? I didn't know bad form could transcend over seasons and breaks. Actually I did but still, what the fuck Bouch? That's all I got for you.

Is Albie Morkel back? I'm not going to get too excited. It's only Zimbabwe after all. But 50 from 39. How can I not get excited? Oh yes, just check his bowling figures.

Bowling, bowling, bowling...8 extras. Not epic, but it's there. Only 6 wickets...letting Zim get to 236 for 6 from 48 for 5...FUCKIN' HELL! Biff had to be behind this! I don't know why. When I see the highlights, I'll tell you why but I just have a gut feeling that the Buffalo is the reason this shit happened. The Buffalo is the reason any shit happens. That's right. Global poverty is Graeme Smith's fault.

I'm going to call upon Dale's grandkids from wherever the hell they speak to him. Maybe they can convince him to shed his crapiness.

Australia is a mystery

Actually India is crap, but what the hell? Let's give the broken china dolls some credit eh? Just for a few minutes.

I won't go over the earth-shattering list of injury again. I'm sure most have it memorized by now. But let me point out that some of those names were involved in an obscure series this year which didn't really go Australia's way. If it's not buried under the pile of cricket matches that you have been tuning in on since then, you'll know which one I'm talking about.

After that series, they went on to thrash the Poms 6-1, won the Champions trophy and the Champions Leage. Then they came to India and those involved in the aforementioned wins started crowding up the nurse's office like students do during exam week. For the first time in eons, Australia became the underdogs.

In came the replacements. Some questionable, some unknown and some with hair colour that make all the bulls of Spain charge towards him in fury. Australia won.

I feel like saying Australia wants to be unpredictable, 'giant' killers like Bangladesh, but I don't want to be full of myself. I will say this though. There were a lot of polls going on before the series and I voted for 5-2 to Australia.

I'm just saying.